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Warning: ** This isn't a journal, it's not a story, and it's not poetry. Consider this a paper, but the thesis is me. Because of this I break one of the rules of research writing, using the words "I" and "me". I hope you find this interesting, if you should choose to read it. This also contains some details of a sexual nature involving me as a child. But these facts are not used in a pornographic manner. **Reader discretion is advised.

What defines who a person is? Is it their family, their personality, their upbringing, their education, or their career? What kinds of things influence what kind of person we all become? I plan to try and make things a little clearer, through this observation of my life. I believe that all things, whether you remember them fully or not, have an influence on how you grow into who you will be, or are today.

When I was born, my mother was 17, and her only company was her brother, Scot, and her mother, Ethel. My father had left her, after abusing and impregnating her, leaving her with a child she couldn't abort, because she didn't have the heart to. She got through college, getting a social work diploma, and eventually found work a year or so later. After college she met a man named Richard, he was funny, and nice at the time, I was told. They got together and he quickly became a part of our lives. I was only 4 when we all started living together, and I finally had a dad. Two year later, after moving around the small town, never too far, just to better and better apartments, they had a child.

They named him Alek, a cute kid, and my brother. I was so proud to be a big brother, and I spent lot of time with him growing up. But as we grew up, he got more annoying, and I got less patient. We fought as all brothers do, and it was okay usually. My school life, though, is an entirely different story. Growing up as a kid with red hair, it was tough. It started in preschool, and from there got worse. I was an over sensitive kid, which led to all sorts of things happening in kindergarten and elementary school.

Sparing the gory details, I was made fun of by bus-loads of students, literally. On the bus they would all chant insults, calling me a girl, and calling me carrot-top. The adults never took it upon themselves to stop it, they just said I was being too sensetive for a boy. I grew up afraid and spiteful, ad never once had a real friend. That is, of course, until grade 4. In grade 4 I met Dominic, he was a lot like me, bullied, nerdy, and reserved. We became close friends very soon, and we had a lot of fun sleeping over at each other's houses and playing games.

One fateful day in grade 5, I snapped. It happened when at least 15 other kids started following me around and pushing me, calling me names and the whole lot. I screamed and flailed away from them, and I ran. I ran home so fast nobody even knew how to react. I decided to switch schools, because I had been invited to attend the french immersion program at the other public school in the area. I was excited, happy to finally be gone from that awful place and maybe have a chance. But I was oh-so wrong.

The bullying didn't stop, it came with me. You'd think the smarter kids would be nicer, but they were only more spiteful, and my reputation spread like a cold through a coat-room. Eventually grade 8 came, the last bit of shit I had to deal with before highschool, the mythical place that all the adults said would change my life, and I guess they were right. Nothing interesting happened in grade 8, it was the same as ever, maybe not as bad at grade 7. But after that, I was off to highschool, and boy, was I confident, and so full of hope.

My hope was not unfounded after all, it seemed. Sure I still got bullied, but it diminished over time, and I finally had friends other than Dominic. I even had senior friends, Allen, Seb, Matt and Brett. I had friends my own age, too. They were Cody, Alex 1 and Alex 2 as we called them, and Devon. It was so nice to have people I could talk to about games, and things we find on the internet. Speaking of the internet, grade 9 was the time my mom finally bought a computer.

It caused tension between me and my parents, as they found several undesirable sites there later, but it was also a haven, where I could talk about myself without worrying about people judging me, because they weren't where I was. I told people I never told any therapist, and I even discovered my sexuality through the internet. At the middle of grade 9, tensions with my family reached a high, and I moved out to live with my grandma, hereby referred to as "nan".

Nan was happy to take me in, and she liked having the extra help around the house. She kept firm on discipline and made sure I was on the straight and narrow. However it was around this age that I started to experience the signs on my personality disorders I have today. I began to lie, about everything online, and plenty of stuff in real life. I hurt quite a few people in online relationships, and two people in person. Those two people are a big part of my life now, but that's besides the point.

I became somebody I hated, but somehow I knew it wasn't my fault. Somehow I had put up a false me, and projected it outwards to the point that it took hold of me, and lived my life for me. One day in grade 10, the second semester, I broke out of that shell that was keeping me back, and became a more honest person, but the only thing I was honest about was that I was a liar. You see, I have HPD and BPD. Long story short, I'm almost a psychopath. The only difference is I go through phases of humanity and inhumanity. I only stop feeling when I think I need to.

My love life is far too complicated to explain, but as of now, I'm single, and I have no relationship plans for a very long time, unless that person likes an over-controlling cheater. I'm addicted to masturbation I think, but there are plenty of times when I can resist. I've been a very sexual person since the age of 12, when I started rubbing my cock in the shower, and in bed. When I came for the first time I was hooked instantly, and from there started to explore what excited me online.

I quickly grew attached to furries, hentai and various real life fetishes. Even today those interests have grown and branched out, and I'm a very sexual person even now. It has interfered with my school life as well, as I neglected my homework for not just masturbation, but the internet, and my friends as well. I failed several classes, but for some reason I didn't really care. I just cared about my feeling good, and surrounding myself with as much love as possible.

Eventually, after several suicide threats I was sent to a mental institution, where they diagnosed me with Borderline Personality Disorder and ADD. I was told to read up on BPD, and while doing that I found HPD, a condition which causes the sufferer to become what is essentially a walking libido, and incredibly manipulative. It all clicked at that moment, and I realized that all these things, they really weren't my fault. But even knowing this I could never really forgive myself.

My life then took the worst turn it had ever taken. I moved across the country to be with a girl I had met online a year ago. I did so for 2 reasons. My school life was shit, because I was being bullied more than ever, and even followed on the streets when school was out by people in trucks yelling "faggot" at me. It turned out that Gabby was an extremely emotionally abusive and controlling person, who made me do things often, because she knew the threat of homelessness loomed over my head.

It all came to a head when I had finally had enough and hit Gabby back after she pushed me. This all happened after several suicide attempts, but in the end I was homeless. A week later my parents flew me back home, where I lived with my mother for about a month. Now we get to where I am today. I'm living on my own, single, with hardly any money. However, I'm actually happier than I've been in a long time, if you can wrap your head around that.

I know this hasn't made things any clearer as to what makes a person who they are, because it's all up to interpretation. Each person will read this differently, developing different opinions of this, and me. In conclusion, I just wanna say that my name is Kory, I'm not gonna pretend to be different, I'm not gonna change, but I'm whoever you see me as... And I'm okay with that.

If you have an questions, please don't hesitate to ask, I'll explain anything I left out.