Stalemate
#13 of Alternatives
"Yeah, and you refused to tell me what happened until a few days later," Jo says, "You can be pretty stubborn at times, you know."
"And it seems like I failed rather miserably, huh I mean, I AM the cause for your next scar. I have no right to want you at all," Jo finishes with a small pout.
I sigh, knowing that given Jo's personality, he is not going to snap out of it for a while. That grey wolf may be tough on the outside, with all those muscle and fur, but I know that Jo is a giant softie. He won't want to hurt anything unless it's necessary, which can be a disadvantage at certain situations, because his innocent self don't exactly know what is meant by necessary... then again, he has his dad's wittiness and smartness.
I lay back down on the grass, squirming a little with my tail swaying lazily. I don't which part of my words he didn't understand before; I guess I'll have to drill it in his head that it is not solely his fault. I don't want him to lose his happy-go-lucky trait like I did before.
"Nope, stop pinning all the faults to yourself," I say, turning to face him, "If there's really a need to blame, it's a little of you, a little of me and a little of Gerrald. It all happened because I told you I fell for him and we both panicked. Relax."
"Maybe, but I'm still part of it."
"And I wasn't lying about wimpy guys, Jo."
"Okay, okay," Jo says before lying down beside me, stretching out, "So what do you intend to do now?"
"What do you mean?" I ask.
"You know, about Gerrald, you and me?"
Sighing, I turn away from him and stare at the glittering stars instead, "I don't know. I can't deny that I've never felt for you before. But whether is it love or lust, I'm not certain."
"Lust?" Jo asks, "But you told me you didn't check me-"
"I know, I kinda lied... I was just saying so that you won't be disgusted or something. It's different that time, you were assumed to be straight..." I say as I continue to stare at the sky, avoiding eye contact with him.
"Does it mean I'm gay now?" Jo asks.
"Must there really be an answer though?" I reply, "I don't think there's actually a need to label; to others, if you like a guy, you're gay. If you like a girl, you're not. That's all. I don't know about you, Jo. That question you will have to find the answer by yourself, it isn't something that I can just tell you. So long as you know you can be happy in the long run, it doesn't matter what you are... or that's what I tell myself."
Oh the irony. Jo tells me that he likes me, and here I am not already jumping all over him. I actually have someone who wants to be with me... although I seriously have no idea why Jo would pick a loser like me, but I should be happy, right?
A small corner of my heart wants me to tell Jo that I'm not worthy of him as a lover. I mean, just look at me! Ugly, stupid, useless, poor, unwanted...
Then there is Gerrald. I... I seriously don't know. I mean, it's been there for so long, eight months! I've always have this small hope that a miracle will happen. Hope can be a terrible thing... perhaps there's absolute zero chance between me and Gerrald, but hope just stops you from letting go, it just doesn't stop. Or maybe I'm just refusing to see the truth...
Silly me; getting caught in a crazy thing called love. Having a crush kinda considered as a form of love isn't it? That unexplainable attraction which I just won't let go. And if I try to forget him, it just backfires and pops out more.
To be honest, I'm tired of clinging on to someone that doesn't care about me; someone who don't even know me. It's really stupid, but what can I do? My heart just doesn't know when to stop. No doubt this heart is mine, we're both really dumb.
Gerrald... Vice-captain of a school team, well built for a bear and scoring silver, knows how to speak wolf's native language (which I initially thought he had wolf's blood), has cute looks, outgoing and sort of well-known in school, has this brown coat with white fur at his chest shaped of a 'V', not that tall but his size is definitely awesome and huggable which makes up for his height, wears spectacles only when reading is required, behaves like a typical guy, eager to practice his favourite sport and is supposedly single.
Downside of him will probably be his species of being a bear, and thus has a religion; not so bright in terms of academics, absolutely dim in terms of catching me staring at him, and his choice of friends.
And a whole lot of other rubbish like having no opportunity or no guts for me to approach him.
Then there's Jo who claims to like me all of a sudden. I don't really mind, but then he is my best friend, and I already had someone else in mind. Even if I want to be with Jo, I have to clear Gerrald off my head first, don't I? My boyfriend deserves my whole hearted love, in that sense. As for falling in love with your best friend... it sounds so cliché and almost incestuous, though it sounds pretty darn hot in that way.
Still, forgetting Gerrald won't be easy or fast. It has been eight months! It isn't something that can be forgotten like right away. What if I can't let go? If Jo's feelings are real, won't I be letting him wait for nothing? If I decide to be with Jo, will it be my true feelings or just an act of pity?
Lust is one thing, love is another. They may have intersecting areas, but are never the same. Jo is a big guy, I don't know about down there, but he is kinda hot, with all the muscle and pecs.
"Jo," I call for him to gain his attention, looking at his body glowing slightly under the moonlight, "Honestly, I don't feel that I deserve someone like you. I still have Gerrald plaguing my mind... I don't know when it will go away, when my heart will be fully yours. And I don't want you to waste your time waiting on me."
Jo looks at me as though I've just said swear words in all different kind of languages.
"Don't be crazy," Jo says, "All's fair in love and war. If I choose to wait, it will be voluntary. There's no need to apologise. The one being loved never needs to feel sorry. Don't worry about me; at least we can still stay as best friends."
"But I still want you to keep your options available, if you like someone else just go ahead, yes?"
"That will be for me to decide actually, don't worry, I'll keep you updated for any changes. Why, trying to control me like a wife now?" Jo says with that stupid grin on his face.
I toss my bag at him which he almost fails to catch it due to surprise. "I'm being concerned okay; I want my best friend to be happy too."
Jo leers at me, "Oh? That's so thoughtful of you. My, aren't you sweet?"
I run out of things to throw at him though. Instead, I turn my body away from him, feeling a slight blush rising.
I hear the grass rustle a little and feel Jo's presence behind me. He isn't touching me; perhaps he is afraid of me feeling uncomfortable staying too close to him.
"I know you aren't angry," Jo says. It's so annoying that he is almost always right, since being my best friend he knows almost everything.
I remain silent and he didn't continue as well. For how long I'm not really sure. But the great thing about us as best friends is that there is never an awkward silence. Both of us can don't talk and still be comfortable, making it seems as though each other's presence is enough.
"Apple?"
Huh?
I turn to Jo only to see his head supported by the right arm, chewing on a red apple.
"Where on earth did you get that???"
"I don't know. I found it in my bag. Perhaps from today's lunch? Want a bite?"
"Your bag?? That can't be clean..."
Click.
With a sound from somewhere up there, a torchlight shines glaringly at us. I use my hands to shield the light while my eyes adjust to the brightness. Jo is doing the same, but still chewing on that apple with a soft crunch.
"You two again... What are you guys doing here? It's almost one in the morning," a voice speaks out.
I recognise the voice immediately. It's the local sheriff that patrols around the neighbourhood. That German shepherd dog is always the one to catch us. We used to flee away from him in our younger days where we hang out with others outside a little too long.
"Just relaxing out, come on, it's Friday night or Saturday morning. And we're over sixteen!" I say. Jo probably can't speak with the apple in his mouth.
I hear a sigh, "Fine. It's for your safety, you know? And make sure you don't litter, the grey one."
Jo nods his head and the lights are turned off.
"Wow, it's that guy again," Jo says, finally after downing an apple, "Are we really staying here all the way till morning?"
"I don't mind, here's comfy anyway, just remember to throw your leftovers of that apple away," I say, stifling a yawn.
Within moments, Jo stands up and disappears, probably finding a bin to throw his trash; while I continue to relax on the slope, staring at the clear sky, listening to the occasional wind blowing over me, along with the soft rustle of the dry grass. Slowly, my drowsiness envelopes me back into dreamland.
--
I didn't really know what I dream of that night. I know there is something about hiking with Jo and Gerrald up in a mountain, high enough such that it was misty all over, dampening our fur. My legs were so heavy and slow, I don't know why. I couldn't catch up with Gerrald; he just walked on and on, slowly disappearing into the mist. Then Jo tackled me from nowhere and we both fell...
That's when I open my eyes and slowly wake up, while the details of the dream vanishes a little by little every passing second. No matter how hard I try to recall, it won't come back. Dreams can be a nasty thing... like causing an unwanted panic.
My mind slowly catches up with my vision as I stare at the link bridge, realising that whatever happen was nothing but a dream. I flick my tail lazily, finding it heavier than before, and bumping into something alive.
That's when I realise something is poking me. I suspect that's Jo, what else? But why is he so close beside me?
I slowly turn around to confirm my suspicion and I am right. That grey wolfy had his forehead digging into the back of my neck. Perhaps he felt cold and snuggled on next to me, who knows? Any protest I had died off instantly when I see his snoozing face which had a bit of a frown, and his rhythmic soft snores makes him look so vulnerable and innocent. That, and the other noticeable part down there which is simply due to his youth. I blush just at the thought of it and was about to get curious enough to estimate certain lengths before I immediately shake off those thoughts.
I stretch my footpaws a little to find my socks damp. In fact, my tail seems damp too. I sit up to find myself drenched. I groan at the yucky wet-but-not-wet feeling. Thanks to my idea of sleeping in the wild, our fur collected morning dew along with the grass. Perhaps I shouldn't have notice the dampness in my fur. Now I'm feeling irritated all over; the urge to just shake off all the water crawls into my senses. I try to control that urge, but I couldn't resist, it's like an itch running all over. Without any more hesitation, I wriggle madly, flinging all the dew collected around and about.
That wakes Jo up as he grumbles something about lawn sprinklers and cramps. He blinks a little before asking, "What...? Why... wet?"
I already stand up and walk a distance away, taking a first step before him as I predicted his actions. Jo didn't bother to resist the innate canine urge. He just shakes the water out of his fur right away. Not that shaking our fur makes us dry immediately, it's just an instinct.
After he is done, I walk up back to him with a "Morning."
That's when both of us burst into laughter as we see each other's fur puff up thanks to the shaking.
--
The next two days clears in a flash. Weekends always seem to pass faster than normal weekdays. And weekends are hell boring because it's always schoolwork or studying for tests. Nationals are coming soon, or so the school always tells us.
Monday's morning lesson has gym class which I hate most. But there's Gerrald. Trainings are useless because I never seem to improve anyway, nothing more than a waste of time and energy.
"We're doing volleyball today," Jin says, "I asked coach. Jo's bringing them over now."
That's a relief. Physical games I can cope, it's more fun than useless trainings anyway. As for Jin, well, I think that it's worth the try to be friends with him, rather than ignoring him completely. I decide to test the waters for a start. I watch as Gerrald pick a ball from the bunch Jo brought over, while Jo seems to stare at him all the way as Gerrald walks back.
"You know that guy?" I ask, pointing Gerrald out.
"Hmm?" Jin replies, "Him? Sure. Gerrald, Vice-captain of Judo team; pretty skilled in that sport. He does voluntary work too... why?"
"Nothing much, just keeps seeing him about and got curious... because Jo don't know him very well either," I say, "Oh, by the way, can I borrow your phone? I can't find mine; I need to call to see where it is."
Jin hands his phone over without any complains, "Be quick, lesson's about to start. I'll go get a ball first!"
Actually my phone is right in my backpack, left pocket. I feel a little guilty snooping at Jin's phone, but I've come too far for that. I scroll down the contacts, and as I suspected, 'Gerrald Ursarog' was there. Bingo.
I go back to my bag and press the numbers into my phone, saving as '?'. Then I add a call history to my phone in Jin's phone to avoid suspicion.
I call for Jin and return his phone, showing him that I found my phone and a thanks for helping.
Coach arrives just at that time and we hurry back to class, joining Jo.
Then it is the usual gym class, about the rules of the game, and the different strokes. After fifteen minutes, he concludes by allowing us to practice our surf, catch and sets, adding that he had put up nets for us.
I shouldn't partner up with Jo, but he insists. I mean, our difference in strength is kinda clear that I can't spar with him for many sports. With a stroke, Jo sends the ball waaaaaay over the net and out of the court with a small 'Oops' from him.
Gym class can't get any better. I think I spend more time chasing Jo's balls (no pun there) than actually practising.
About a quarter of an hour before the end of gym class, like finally, the boys in both classes decides to have a game of volleyball.
I didn't really know or care what's going on... but somehow I got pulled in to join the game; which I don't know why when there are clearly other candidates like Jin more fit to play than I am, probably making the game fair to others or something. After all the shuffling and everything, we split into two teams of six. Gerrald and I are actually on the same team, while Jo is in the other.
I'm positioned at the back in the middle while Gerrald is at the top left. Everyone seems to crouch down in preparation of the game probably except for me. I can't help but be distracted by Gerrald in front of me. With my somewhat awkward feelings for him and him crouching in front of me, that butt and his brown stub tail are almost screaming 'Look here!' My eyes just can't help but slowly move towards that, even if I keep my head completely still.
There's this small yearning to reach out and grab that firm ass, I can't help it. After all, I'm a guy and is hormonally driven, such thoughts happen so often. I think about Jo instead, trying to keep my mind off Gerrald, only to end up wondering if he had an ass like that. GAH. What's with all this thoughts in the morning now?!!
WHAM.
Pain erupts on the back of my head as I turn to the source, feeling slightly dizzy. The cheetah that's supposed to surf the ball over somehow managed to hit it sideway towards me. And since I was distracted by rumps, I didn't hear any warnings.
Players on the court begin to crowd around to see if I am alright. I feel my face flush red as the point of attention is brought on me. The cheetah that hit me apologises profusely; I don't blame him at all; he is a nice guy and the hit was unintentional. I try to tell everyone I'm okay, especially the cheetah, but no one seems to get the message or something.
"Are you alright?"
I feel my ear twitch at the source of the voice. Fuck me. Gerrald actually said something to me?! I look up and can swear that Gerrald is actually moving towards me with one of his paws extended towards me, almost like reaching out for me to help.
"I'm fine, really, at least I'm not bleeding-" I say, directing the words at Gerrald, only to have it cut away as Jo runs past Gerrald and blocks my view of that bear. Jin appears behind me to check on the bump on the back of my head, while Jo shakes my shoulders with another 'You alright, bro?'
"There's going to be a small swell though," Jin says.
The coach calls for class dismissal when he is convinced that I'm fine. As I take my bag to change clothes, Jo is joking about how I'm gonna get smarter after that hit, while Jin tells me to rub the swell for blood circulation. Both of them are yapping away at the same time, I didn't know who to reply. I just listen and smile, before giving a sigh and decide to start the school day... although I know Gerrald's not going to away especially after just now.