Fear and Desire - Part 2: Now or Never
#2 of Fear and Desire
Part two of my story 'Fear and Desire'. Once again,...
Part two of my story 'Fear and Desire'. Once again, it is marked clean, but contains strong language in places.
_ Fear and Desire _
_ Part 2: Now or Never _
"Number sixty-eight, this is the place lads," Ryan stated, motioning over to the line of houses the group were strolling past. He walked towards a rusty iron gate in the garden wall of a small, terraced two-storey home. "Bloody 'ell," he grumbled, struggling to release the stiff latch holding the gateway closed. "This thing won't budge!" "Oh let me have a go, ya girl!" Nick joked. "No, no. Stay there big'un," Ryan replied. "Wouldn't want ya rippin' the damn thing off it's hinges with those overgrown paws of yours now, would we?" After a moment of straining, the gate yielded and swung open, allowing the group through. "There!" the Shep huffed. "Got it in the end." Heavy bass thudded from inside the house as they moved their way up the garden path towards the front door. "Sounds like things have already kicked off." Jim grinned, rubbing his black and tan paws together gleefully. The foursome reached the end of the short pathway and trotted their way up a set of steps onto a raised porch area. "Hope they hear us over that damn stereo!" Ryan snickered as he rang the front doorbell.
A short wait later, the wooded door opened, revealing the stocky frame of a badger in the doorway. "Ah! 'ello lads, we all good?" The striped fur smiled as he acknowledged each of the three football players warmly. Once finished, he cast a curious glance over to Sam. "So who's this then?" Nick proceeded to introduce the pair. "Tony, this is Sam. Sam, Tony. Sam's a mate of mine." The fox extended his arm, anticipating a friendly paw-shake. "Hey, nice to meet you." Tony didn't return the gesture. He narrowed his eyes, trying to place the vulpine face he was looking down upon. "Ah right, yeah I think I remember now. You came along to the Oakfield United game a few weeks back, right?" "Uh, I did, yes." "Right, okay, well yeah you don't look like much of a footballer," the badger sneered, looking up and down the slightly-built fox discerningly. "I guess watching us lot play is something at least." 'Did he actually just say that to me!?' Sam thought to himself, taken aback by the audacity of the comment. Before he could respond with a quip about some of the best wingers in the sport being of a similar build to him, the rest of the group had been ushered inside. Jim and Ryan walked off down the hallway, chatting away with their host. Nick on the other hand had stopped off inside the front door to remove and hang his jacket.
The fox scowled with rage as he moved inside. "So what's that about then Nick?" "What you mean?" "I mean the fucking insult? I've just met the bloke and the first thing he does is talk shit about me, what is it with these guys!?" "Mate, chill out!" the wolf replied, his paws extended towards Sam as if to try and calm him. "He was only joking." "Joking!? Don't talk wet mate, it's the same with all your bloody team!" "Eh? What you on about now?" Nick frowned as he answered, clearly annoyed. "I'm on about the fact that they've systematically scared off all your friends. Robbie, Cal and the rest." "Scared off? W-what? No they ain't." "Really? Why you think none of 'em wanted to come tonight then!?" Sam snarled, his anger getting the better of him. "Come on mate, I know you're not the sharpest knife in the drawer, but even you should be able to figure this one out!" The black wolf stood there with a look of genuine hurt, the remark appeared to cut deeply. "Fuck, what's your problem?" "My problem!? I don't have a problem, it's your fucking team with the problem. If you ain't part of the squad, they don't want to know you. If you don't even like football, hell, they'll do their level best run you out of town. Arrogant pricks!"
Nick snapped back with his next response, motioning towards the front door. "Look, these guys are my friends. If you don't want to be here Sam then you know where to go, don't ya!?" The large lupine had a reputation as a 'gentle giant' amongst those close to him. Despite his size, he was never one for confrontation and very slow to anger. On this occasion however, the fox seemed to be pushing him a long way towards the end of his considerable tether. "Oh what, so me and the others ain't your friends then!?" "I never said that you daft twat!" the wolf stormed, his hackles rising along with the intensity of his rage. "That's what it sounded like to me," Sam barked, stepping in towards the wolf as if to emphasise his point. "Tell you what, how about you just piss off with these lot for good, yeah? Leave the rest of us to it." "Get fucked Sam!" Nick let out a deep, unsettling growl as he took a heavy stride forward. "Jesus, what's wrong with you!? You've been so far off with me lately and I want to know why!" He loomed over the diminutive red fox menacingly with steely yellow eyes, his paws clenched into angry fists as they hung down by his sides. Sam jumped back in response, pinning himself up against the wall. He looked away from the snarling lupine maw that hung overhead, shocked by the torrent of fury that had just smashed into him. Never before had he witnessed such aggression from his friend, at least, not directed his way. Instinctively, the vulpine raised his arms up to form a shield in front of his face, fearful of what was to come next. "Come on!" Nick roared, still towering above the much smaller fox. "Answer me! Why you acting like such a fucking dick towards me lately!?" Sam was scared stiff, not only of the irate wall of fur standing mere inches from him, but also from the knowledge that deep down, it wasn't just the football team causing his own anger and frustration. With a squeal, he tried to answer back. "W-well... I..."
The exchange was brought to an abrupt halt as a voice called from down the hallway. "Lads, you alright? What's all the shoutin' about?" Ryan's head was visible as it poked out from the next room where the rest of the party-goers were gathered. "Come on, stop with all the rabbitin' and get yer tails in 'ere!" "Uh, yeah," the wolf yelled back, his anger barely disguised behind his gruff voice. "Gonna be there in a sec mate." "Okay... yeah, safe bruv, don't be too long though!" the brown canine replied with an awkward smile, quickly disappearing back to the party. A long, drawn-out sigh left Nick's lungs as he turned back to the cowering fox. His fists opened back into paws, shaking slightly from the heated argument. "Sam, you're still my friend." A calm tone had returned to the lupine's voice, his rage subsiding. "The other guys too, but this means a lot to me. Football, this team, y'know? You gotta respect that." "Y-yeah, I know and I do!" Sam spoke apologetically as he looked up into his friend's now softened eyes. "Mate, you're class and you're so gonna go pro someday! None of us wanna do anythin' to mess that up. But at the same time, we don't want you to forget about us either." A grin emerged upon his face as he searched for his next words. "At the end of the day... we're all proud of you, ya know?" "Oh wow," Nick beamed, letting out a small chuckle. "That sounded so gay Sammy, but thanks mate." The short vulpine laughed uneasily at the suggestion and looked down to the ground. "Yeah well... I guess I can't help that can I?" he said in mock sarcasm, masking the statement as a joke. Inside of course, he knew the truth behind it. "Don't be daft though mate, I'm not lookin' to make a choice between football and my friends. I won't ever ditch you guys, I swear down. We've all known each other for too damn long for that!" The wolf motioned down the hall with a paw. "Come on mate, lets stop all this soppy shite and go have a good time, okay?" "That sounds good to me Nicky." With that, the pair walked off down the passageway to join the others.
The air pulsed as the stereo continued to pump out loud indie rock tracks. "Almost eleven-thirty. Damn, feels later than that." Sam muttered to himself as he glared down into the glow of his mobile phone's screen. A little over two hours had passed since he'd arrived at the party, although to him it felt like an eternity. The fox was sat by himself upon a padded, wooden chair at the far end of the dining room that adjoined the living area, bottle of lager in one paw and his phone in the other. Other party guests were also milling around nearby, talking amongst themselves or trying their luck with a potential partner for the evening. The party had started off well enough for Sam, barring the argument. He'd mostly stuck with Nick and Ryan for the evening while Jim headed off on his own, no doubt to try his luck with pretty much anything in a skirt. The red fox had also managed to meet up with a couple of other friendly furs attending the party, friendly in the sense that they actually gave him the time of day and were willing to socialise. This initial enjoyment didn't last however and things soon began to take a turn for the worse. Other, less pleasant individuals from the football team also began to mingle with Sam's group. These other players seemed to go out of their way to exclude him from their subsequent conversations, responding to his comments with snide remarks or just ignoring them completely. Nick meanwhile appeared oblivious to the whole thing. Either that, or he just didn't care enough to react, which the vulpine began to fear. Feeling upset and rejected, Sam decided to leave the wolf and his friends to do their own thing, resigning himself to spending the rest of the party alone. It wasn't all bad though. The alcohol was free and in ample supply, plus he could sample the variety of music on offer. For all the team's failings, they did have good taste in both beer and tunes.
The dejected fox took a large swig of his drink as he sat, scanning the room for any familiar faces, curious to see what they were up to. Through the heavy crowd of dancing furs, he spied Jim sitting upon a two-seater couch in the living room. Sat beside him was an attractive looking vixen whom he was clearly flirting with. "Hah, I guess he doesn't hate us foxes completely, must just be me he's got an issue with." Sam smirked to himself as he watched the sleek, black canine attempt to work his self-professed 'alpha-charm'. Jim whispered what appeared to be a long line of sweet nothings into the amber-furred vixen's ear. His attempts to get on her good side seemed to be working as she giggled softly, her white-tipped brush flicking with contentment. The Doberman took this as a sign to move on a stage further, setting his right paw down on the ginger vulpine's left knee as he continued to lay on the flattery. Sam watched on intently as the flirting continued. "Bloody hell, hes not had his nuts smashed to pieces yet, he's doing well!" he muttered to himself, past form dictating that the dog would eventually say or do something to derail his chances. Jim's black and tan handpaw moved steadily up the vixen's thigh as he leaned in closer, nuzzling her gently behind the ear. With no opposition still, his next utterance came with a firm squeeze of her leg. This was when mood between the pair suddenly flipped. The orange fox's expression turned from one of contentment to that of disgust. She launched a stiff slap to the Doberman's cheek, jolting his head sharply to the side. With that, the irate female stood up and stormed off, out of the room and out of sight. "Frigid bitch!" The canine's shocked outburst coincided with a momentary dip in the volume of the music system, making it audible to pretty much everyone inside the house. His long, pointed ears lowered to his head as he jumped up from the sofa, angry and embarrassed. Without another word, he marched off away from the scene of his rejection. "Crash and burn yet again." Sam smiled slyly. "Alpha-charm my bushy red tail, prick."
With the mid-party entertainment at an end, the fox turned his attention back to his phone. He began to thumb his way through the contact list. "I wonder if anyone else is about that I can ditch this shite off for." No sooner had he started, a voice spoke softly into his ear. "Oh 'ello cutie, what you over 'ere by yourself for?" Sam looked up from the screen with surprise and looked to his left. A girl, clearly worse for wear and stinking of alcohol had set herself down on the chair beside the vulpine. The grey wolf's words were heavily slurred as she battled to push them past her lips. "W-what's yer name then foxy?" "Uh, Sam. My name is Sam," he muttered, his words also slightly garbled from the drinks he'd partaken that evening, but nowhere near to the same extent. "Hi Sam, I'm Keri," she replied, swaying back and forth upon her seat, make-up smudged into a multi-coloured mess across her face. "You, you don't look so good y'know, a bit too much to drink me thinks. Want me to call you a taxi?" "Naa, don't be daft. I don't want a taxi." Keri grinned. "What you want then?" The fox answered, as if he hadn't already realised. The wolfess leaned over and slowly placed her paw onto Sam's crotch. She found his package within his jeans and proceeded to give it a soft squeeze. "I want you, stupid!" The vulpine's eyes widened as he juddered in his seat, almost spilling his bottle of lager all over the carpet. His reaction to the gesture was one of surprise as opposed to pleasure. "Damn, you're keen ain't ya!" "You like that?" "W-well..." "Come on, just relax and go with it." Sam gently removed Keri's handpaw from his lap. "Look, I'm sorry, I just ain't interested," he stated firmly, all the while thinking 'why in the hell couldn't this have been a guy!?' "Oh what's up, don't be nervous. I won't bite... unless you ask." "No, It's... It's not that." Sam looked away nervously. This wasn't the first time a drunken girl had made advances on him, but it was no less uncomfortable. "Well what then, don't you like how I look?" the wolf huffed indignantly. The vulpine looked back to her face, caked in a splatter of beauty products. "Well." He bit down on his bottom lip, sniggering ever so slightly. "You're absolutely lovely, really. It's just that I'm g--" Sam stopped himself suddenly. 'Christ, what are you playing at!?' he thought to himself, realising just how close he'd come to revealing his sexuality to a complete stranger. "You're what?" Keri's voice was tinged with a growl as the fox sat there silently, staring past her into the distance. "Uh, I-I'm g-g," Sam stuttered as his eyes darted around the room, desperately trying to think of a decent excuse. "Girlfriend!" he blurted, "I've got a girlfriend and she wouldn't like me carrying on behind her back." "So?" The grey wolfess leaned over and tried to grab at vulpine's nether-regions once more. "She don't have to know. I won't tell if you don't!" "No, look I'm sorry," he replied, shuffling away in his seat and putting a paw up in front of Keri's face. "I'm just not up for it."
The wolf wobbled her way onto her feet, twice almost losing balance. "Fine then, be a boring little bastard. The bitch probably ain't got nuffin' on me anyways!" With that, she strode off in a not so straight line towards the living area of the house, leaving the vermilion vulpine by himself once again. Sam let out a deep sigh as he rested his head on his paw, jaded at what he saw as having to hide his true self yet again. 'Why couldn't I be straight,' he thought to himself despairingly. 'Things would be so much better, so much bloody simpler.' "To hell with this!" the fox groaned as he sprung up from his seat, quickly making his way off through the crowd of furs and into the hallway. Once there, he carried on towards to the front door and outside onto the front porch.
The summer night was cool as Sam set himself down upon the top step of the raised stone deck at the front of the house. A gentle breeze swept through his fur as he glared thoughtfully up into the clear, starry sky above. The vulpine began to contemplate the fears and desires that had come together to form a violent whirlwind of emotion within his head, an occurrence that was becoming all too frequent and increasingly distressing for him. "Maybe things would be simpler if I just told everyone." Sam muffled to himself as he played with the top button of his plaid shirt. "Still, don't think it would do much to help fit in with this bunch." He sat upon the porch for a good quarter of an hour, considering his thoughts, his surroundings and his life in general. From this spot, the little fox was able to watch the world as it passed on by, unknowing and uncaring to his problems. The odd car would roll down the street while groups of youths in high spirits would occasionally stagger by, feeling the effects of their own respective evenings so far. At that moment, Sam wished that he could trade places with any one of these strangers, certain that their lives couldn't possibly be as messed up and as complicated as his. The despondent fox took a small sip of his drink, but it did little to comfort him. "Fuck my life," he whimpered quietly as a single tear rolled down his cheek.
Despite the relative warmth of the evening, sitting outside for this length of time meant that Sam had begun to get cold. "I can't stay here all night feeling sorry for myself, I'm goin' home." With that, he picked himself up from the step and turned around to go back inside. He figured that he should at least tell Nick he was heading off early. The small, red vulpine took a couple of steps towards the front door and reached out for the handle, only to have it pulled away with his paw mere inches from it. A tall figure hurried out from the now open doorway and bundled into the fox, causing his muzzle to crumple slightly as it met the stranger's chest. "Oh damn, sorry, I didn't see you there!" a familiar voice spoke. Sam looked up, dazed slightly from the collision. He was greeted by Nick's tall, lupine frame standing before him, a wide grin on his muzzle. "Sammy! Oh hey mate, I didn't know it was you. Sorry, but it's your fault kinda, being so small and everything!" The wolf laughed as he finished, clearly a little drunk. "Oh hey Nick! I was coming to find you actu--" "So what's up you moody twat! You're usually up and dancing about like a mental at this point of an evening!" Nick slurred as he threw his arm around his friend, still smiling away. "Well you'd used to anyway, why you out here!?" "Well, I was just... I'm, I'm..." Sam stuttered, unable to find a suitable excuse to give to his friend. "You're, you're what? Being a boring bastard? I know! Shock, horror!" The fox's ears lowered as his eyes began to tear up. His tail tucked itself firmly between his legs, a position it seemed to be taking up regularly that evening. The lupine picked up on his friend's body language, even through his intoxicated state. "Sam? Sam what's wrong mate?" he spoke softly, his grin now turning to a frown. "Oh, nothing," came the reply as he wiped his sleeve along his watery, bloodshot eyes. "Just tired." "Bollocks," Nick answered sternly. "Tell me what's up, please! Don't gimme any crap about work, or the team, okay? What's really wrong?"
'Well, I guess it's now or never,' Sam thought to himself as he turned and sat back down upon the top step of the porch. He looked up to his friend with a gentle sigh. "Nick, I'm so tired, I can't do this anymore. I've had something I've needed to tell you for a long while now." The wolf's ears pricked up as he listened to his friend intently. "I knew something major was up, I bloody knew it." He walked over and joined the emotional little fox on the step. "Okay, I'm all ears mate. Tell me what's up." Sam picked up his bottle of lager and took a big gulp, finishing it off, Dutch courage. He then turned back to Nick. "I...Well." The fox's words came out as an incoherent mumble. The fear, the anxiety, they were all just too much. He looked away again, no longer able to maintain eye-contact. "Oh fuck's sake." Sam whimpered as he buried his head into his paws, his tail curled around him in a subconscious attempt to comfort himself. He just couldn't bring himself to do it, to let his secret out. "Come on, it's okay. Mate, I want to help you out." The wolf wrapped a single arm around his friend and pulled him in to a comforting hug. "You can tell me anything." Sam's words were slightly muffled through his paws as he spoke once again. "Look, you need to promise me something. You can't tell anyone else about what I have to tell you, okay?" "Yeah, alright Sammy, no worries," Nick muttered calmly. "This... this isn't easy for me mate. Just..." "Come on mate, it can't be that bad, right?" "Dunno mate, depends how you take it," the vulpine scoffed as he uncovered his face. "If you kick off at me for it, it'll be pretty fucking bad!" "Well tell me and we'll find out, won't we?" Nick replied with a warm smile.
Sam didn't respond as he stared off into the distance, a glazed over look in his eyes. The lupine gently rocked his friend with his arm, trying to force a response "Sam? Sam, you can tell me, please?" Met with a continued silence, Nick decided to try and lighten up the mood with some friendly banter, perhaps not fully gauging the intensity of the torment swirling within the fox. "Right okay then, since you're gonna be such a bloody drama queen, I'm gonna guess at it instead." He scratched his chin in mock thoughtfulness. "You've got Jim's sister pregnant." The statement juddered Sam back to life. "W-what!?" "You've got my sister pregnant?" "The fuck? Nick, no!" The wolf chuckled as he ruffled Sam's headfur. "Thank Christ for that, I'd have had to murder you." He continued on with his 'guesses', until he made one that touched a little closer to home than he'd have expected. "Well okay, lets go the other way then shall we? You're... you're a raving queer who loves the cock?" Sam didn't bark out a denial this time. Instead, he slowly brought his paws up to meet his face, covering it with a heavy groan. The silence that followed spoke more than words possibly could.
Nick's face turned gradually from a cheeky grin to that of shock. The tension was tangible as the friends sat there, upon the stoop. What must have been mere seconds felt more like hours, months, years to the pair. "Yeah, okay mate. No jokes, what's the problem really?" the lupine joked, almost in denial that his best friend could possibly be 'that way'. Sam whined despairingly, his face still masked behind the makeshift black barrier of his handpaws. He dreaded what was to follow as he remained sat perfectly still in complete silence. Nick's intoxication seemed to be fading fast, the news a sobering proposition to him. "No fucking way, there's just no way you're gay Sam!?" The wolf stood up and moved down the porch steps and into the small garden area below, proceeding to pace aimlessly around it. "I mean, jeez, I've known you since kiddie school, we grew up together. You don't mince or... mate, y-you can't be gay!? Fuck man!" "Nick..." Sam revealed his slender muzzle and looked up to his friend. His response to the protestations were little more than a faint, tearful utterance that crept timidly from behind his lips. "Nick... I-I really am."