Fear and Desire - Part 1: Inner Turmoil
#1 of Fear and Desire
The first part of my latest story, 'Fear and Desire'. I've marked it as clean, but just to give a heads up for anyone who may care, this does contain some strong language in places.
I did originally plan on posting the whole story once i'd completed it, but have changed my mind in that regard. It's almost done, but for one reason or another, it might be a while before I manage to get my head down and finish it.
Anyway, I hope you enjoy reading it if you happen to do so. I'll put up parts 2 & 3 in the coming days once I get the chance to properly re-read and edit them.
Comments and constructive criticism are welcome as ever.
_ Fear and Desire _
_ Part 1: Inner Turmoil _
--- Three months ago ---
'C'mon, you can do this!' Sam thought to himself as he walked through the front door. His entire commute home from work had been spent psyching himself up for this moment. He was desperate not to lose his confidence, like he had done so many times in the past. The red-furred fox set his rucksack down on the ground and shuffled meekly into the living room, tail tucked firmly between his legs. Both of his parents were sat upon the couch as they watched the evening news on television. "Hello Sam love, good day at work?" his mother asked, before noticing her son's demeanour. "Sam, What's the matter?" The young vulpine's breathing was erratic as he slowly lowered himself down into the armchair facing them, ears flat to the top of his head. "Mum, Dad... I need to tell you both something." "If you've crashed your car, I'm going to kick your bloody arse." his father grumbled, eyes still fixed upon the TV screen. Sam groaned with annoyance. "Dad, my car's absolutely fine, Christ! It's not... it's about me. There's something you need to know and you might..." His eyes began to tear up slightly as he rubbed the back of his neck. "You might not like it." His mother leaned forward and picked up the television remote from the coffee table. "Marie, I was watching that!?" the father growled as the screen flashed and turned to black. "Alan, your son is trying to tell you something here, the bloody news can wait!" "Fine, fine." With that, the pair both turned their full attention to Sam. He was visibly distressed as he fidgeted anxiously in his seat. "I need to tell you that I'm..." The young fox bit down on his tongue, he couldn't finish. "Whatever you have to tell us, you're still our son." his mother said with a compassionate tone. Sam took a deep breath, closing his eyes as he exhaled. "Mum, Dad I need to... I want to tell you that I'm gay."
There was a brief moment of silence in the room. Sam picked up on this and panicked, fearful of the reaction to come. He began to attempt to justify and defend himself. "I'm sorry. Look I didn't choose this. I'm..." "Sam..." His mother tried to stop him, but the young vulpine carried on relentlessly. "I'm sorry that I won't be giving you grand-pups..." "Sam stop..." Tears started to roll down his face. "I'm... I'm sorry, please don't hate me for this!" Marie stood up from the couch and marched over to her son. "Come here." she whispered as she leant forward and threw her arms around her son. "That's absolutely fine okay? You've got nothing to apologise for. We still love you." Sam opened his eyes and looked to his mother's face with a slight sense of shock. "R-really?" "Of course! As long as you're happy, we're happy." The fox's face went from a picture of agony and despair to one of joy and relief almost instantly. "Besides which, I already knew," the vixen added with a sly smile. "W-what!? How? I never..." "A mother always knows these things Sam." "But... why didn't you say anything to me!?" "Because if you weren't ready to tell us, you'd have denied it to us and yourself even longer." "I guess," Sam nodded in agreement. "Thanks Mum."
The young, vermilion fox was delighted that his mother had been so casual about the whole thing. He really hadn't expected her to take the news that her eldest child was gay as well as she had done. Sam had come to terms with his sexuality about six months previous, but had never worked up the courage to tell anyone about it, until now. He turned to his father, who had remained completely silent since he made his revelation. "What about you Dad?" The older, red fox was still sat on the sofa, a dumbstruck expression cast upon his face. "Well... erm..." "Dad?" There was a pause before the reply came. "Really? You're really gay!?" The surprise was loud and clear in Alan's voice. A tone of fear crept back onto Sam's face, he was beginning to worry whether his father would be as understanding and accepting as his mother had been. The older fox picked up on this and quickly explained himself. "No, Sam it's fine, really! It's just that... you don't really seem... that way? I mean you like sports, cars and all that." "Dad, you know that not all gay blokes talk with a camp lisp while wearin' frilly shirts and the like, right? Not that there's anything wrong with that, but it ain't me." "Of course, but..." The grey-muzzled fox let out a sigh, "well, look. I shouldn't be surprised I guess. You're twenty next month and you've never even spoken about any girls you like, let alone brought them home with you." Alan stood up from his seat and began to walk over to the armchair Sam was in. "I don't care though, you're my eldest boy and nothing will ever change that." He put his paw on Sam's shoulder reassuringly as he finished. "Thanks Dad."
--- Present day ---
'Damn it, how the hell do I do this?' Sam battled with the voices floating around his head as he strode purposefully along the pavement. The dim twilight of a summer's evening coated the city in an amber mood-light. The fox thought to himself as he glanced over to the tall, black-furred wolf he was walking with. 'He's never gonna understand, not in a million years!' 'Should have stayed home tonight, I can't do--' Sam's train of thought was interrupted suddenly by a sharp nudge in the arm. "Damn Sammy, look at the talent over there!" muttered the lupine beside him. "Huh!? Wa'sup Nick?" "At the bus stop over the road, mate she's freakin' lovely!" he replied with a subtle nod in that direction.
The illuminated glow of a bus shelter shone like a beacon from the opposite side of the street. Sat at the bench there was a female border collie with long, bleached-blonde head-fur It was clear she was seeking a certain kind of attention from the suggestive low-cut top and miniskirt she was sporting. "Oh, yeah. Pretty nice." Sam muttered in an unsure tone. "Pretty nice!? Dude, those are some damn high standards you got there. She's a stunner!" The vulpine didn't respond. His black-furred ears were lowered and a glum expression adorned his face. "You okay Sammy? You seem a bit down lately." "Yeah I'm sound, just got a lot on my mind is all. Work and stuff, y'know." Nick cocked his head slightly. "Okay fair enough mate, but you always seem to miss the hotties. It's like yer blind or something!" "Just... just not very observant I guess." Sam sighed as he rubbed the back of his neck nervously. "Understatement of the year right there!" the wolf joked as he playfully shoved the fox in the shoulder. Sam jolted to the side slightly but didn't reply. He'd seemed to have already drifted back into his own world. Nick looked down into his friend's glazed-over eyes, awaiting a reaction that never came. "Hey, Earth to Sam! Hello? Mate, you sure you okay?" The question seemed to shock the fox back to the waking world and caused him to snap back with his reply. "Yeah! I'm okay Nick, really. Fuck!" "Okay, okay, sorry! No need to go off on one at me, I was just checkin' is all. Damn!"
The truth of the matter was that Sam wasn't okay, far from it in fact. Nick's playful jibes had hurt his friend more than he could have possibly realised. Despite the acceptance of his parents when he came out to them a few months ago, the red-furred vulpine was still hiding his sexuality from his friends. To Sam, telling his family was one thing, but outing himself publicly was quite another. The fear of rejection was simply far too strong for him to overcome. In recent weeks, the anguish at having to hide his true self had begun to take its toll on the small fox. His general demeanour had grown progressively more melancholy, his attitude increasingly insular and short-tempered.
Sam's internal monologue kicked in once more as he continued down the road. 'This ain't no good, I'm livin' a damn lie here. I can't keep this from him anymore.' He looked up to the black wolf's face. 'He's my best friend, he needs to know. I need to tell him, tonight!' The fox took a deep breath before working up the courage to speak. "Mate, I--" Nick cut him off almost as soon as he had started. "We need to go left here at the junction, gonna cut across to the main road." Sam groaned under his breath, the interruption had thrown his confidence. He returned to wrestling with his inner turmoil once more. 'Damn it, again! Maybe it's for the best, I don't know if I should do this. What if--'
--- One month ago ---
"What if they don't understand? What if they hate me for it?" Sam called out in a anxious tone. He was sat in the same chair he'd been in when he came out to his parents two months prior. His father called back from the kitchen. "If they don't like you for who you are, then they're not your friends, are they?" "I guess so." "There's no guess so about it. They need to take you as you are, or not at all," the older fox stated as he walked back into the living room, two bottles of lager in his paws. "Drink?" "Yeah, cheers." Sam accepted one and proceeded to take a large sip from it. His father sat down on the couch opposite. "What about Nick?" "What about him?" "Well, he's been your best friend since you were pups at school. I can't see him turning on you, he's a good lad." "I hope you're right Dad," the younger vulpine responded, not entirely convinced by his father's logic.
Alan took a sip of lager and then set the bottle down on the coffee table. "How's he doing these days anyway? I haven't seen him around for a while." "He's alright. Been mostly hanging around with team-mates from his new football team lately though. Hasn't really had too much time for me or the other guys, if I'm honest." "What and he hasn't invited you along with him?" "Well yeah he has, but to be honest most of his squad-mates are..." Sam paused for thought before continuing, "well lets not mess about, they're complete pricks. They don't seem to have time for anyone who isn't like them. Me and the other guys all started going along to their squad nights out and stuff, but they all got tired of the bullshit attitudes flying about and stopped. I can't say that I blame them." "You've not stopped as well then?" "Well, I don't go all the time and the rest of us usually just arrange our own thing instead, leave Nick to do what he wants. I mean he's my friend, so I don't really wanna just ditch him, none of us do, but the way things are, it's like we're slowly losing touch with each other." His father nodded understandingly as Sam finished. "Right, but he must get on with his team though? So they can't be that bad, else he'd not want to hang about with 'em either surely?" "I guess, but he's in the team, it's different. He's accepted and we're not. Plus most of 'em are a bit older than us, mid-twenties, so I think he likes hangin' with an an older crowd." "I see." "Honestly though, I reckon it's more to do with him wanting to fit in with the team and do well." Alan rubbed his greying muzzle thoughtfully as he replied. "Well it must be a pretty decent team for him to go through so much, to risk losing his mates over." "They're a division one county-league team, a bloody good one too. If he performs for these lot, there's a decent chance he'll get spotted by a scout from a semi-pro team, or maybe even a full-on pro team! Damn Dad imagine that, Nick Birchall, the wolf from down the street, professional footballer!"
His father chuckled. "Wow, well, that would be something if it came about." He stared off into the distance before continuing. "I still remember you and your mates kicking a ball about in the park as pups. Sam began to reminisce himself. "Yeah, yeah. Good times, good stuff." "The rest of you were just plain God awful though, always thought you were just making him look good when he danced around you all!" "Oh nice, real nice, yeah cheers Dad," Sam groaned sarcastically. "I get my two left feet from you by the way!" Alan let out a whole-hearted laugh. "But in all seriousness, it does seem a bit of a dilemma, for both you guys." "Tell me about it!" "Look," Sam's father slapped his thigh with a sense of finality as he stood up from the couch and walked over towards his son. "Things always work out for the best Sam. If these guys are how you say they are, Nick will figure it out sooner or later. There are plenty of other teams out there after all. If he's as good as you say, he'd have no trouble finding another one." "Maybe," the younger red fox sighed. Alan ran his paw through his son's messy, short brown head-fur reassuringly. "As for telling him about you being gay, if you decide to that is, I'm sure he'll fine about it. You've been friends for too long for him not to be." "I really do hope so Dad." "He will, trust me."
--- Present day ---
"So who's gonna be at this thing then?" Sam inquired, turning his focus to the house party he and Nick were on their way to. "Well, it's being held by a team-mate of mine, so most of the squad will be there." "I see," he replied. "How about Robbie or Cal?" "Neither of 'em could make it tonight, well that's what they told me anyway." "Oh right, okay," the fox answered with a tinge of disappointment. Sam wasn't surprised at this news. Robbie and Callum were old high-school friends of the pair, but were also two of the furs who had long since grown wary of Nick's new team-mates. The team, for the most part, seemed unable to act even the slightest bit cordial to anybody who wasn't like their athletic, football-mad selves. The absent pair weren't particularly sporty and only had what could be described as a passing interest in the game. As a result, they had borne the brunt of many taunts and thinly-veiled insults in the past. Sam was fortunate in that he didn't have this problem, at least not to the extent his friends did. While he certainly wasn't the most gifted of football players, he had a keen enough interest in the sport to talk the talk and so managed to find a place on the far edge of the team's social circle. Nick chuckled. "Those guys probably decided to go to the pub together instead as usual, a right couple of gayers those two sometimes!" The vulpine forced an awkward smile at the joke. "Err, yeah... a massive pair of gays, totally." His friend's comment made Sam think on about his secret. 'Man, was that a joke? It must have been. Or not? Christ, I dunno, maybe I shouldn't tell him?'
"Oh yeah Sammy, forgot to say. We're meeting up with Ryan at the underpass, since he knows the exact address we're off to," the wolf announced. Upon hearing this, Sam's ears perked up. "Oh, cool, cool." Ryan was Nick's closest friend in the team, so he knew him quite well from past nights out. On top of this, the German Shepherd was one of the few members of the squad who didn't treat him like he was a complete outsider. "Uh, yeah. Jim too," Nick added with slight hesitation. The fox's ears lowered back down and his heart sank as his smile turned to a pained grimace. "Okay, magic." Jim was a loud, brash Doberman and captain of the the football team. He had a reputation for having a quick temper and even quicker fists. Sam had seen plenty of things to back this up in the past, so to say he didn't really care for the canine would be an understatement. "He's not that bad Sammy!" "Naa, not that bad. If you're a fan of complete dick-heads with an anger problem that is." "Hey, I get on with him, does that make me a dick-head too?" "Yes," the fox quipped. "But you're a nice dick-head, which is why we get on so well!" "Oh thanks, I guess!" Nick smirked.
It was only a short walk before the pair reached the underpass walkway that led beneath the busy dual carriageway road. They travelled down the the railed, concrete steps and entered into the graffiti-covered tunnel, partly illuminated by the few lights that hadn't burnt out or been smashed by the local youths. Ryan was waiting at the opposite end of the walkway. "Christ, I hate this damn place of an evenin'," Nick commented as they made their way through the tunnel, speed slightly faster than their usual walking pace. "Tell you something, Ryan's a braver fur than me, waiting around down 'ere!" "Got that right!" Sam scoffed "Shit, wouldn't catch me doing that. Getting jumped by some blade-wielding hoodie isn't something I fancy experiencing!" "Alright fellas?" The Shep called through the underpass as the wolf and fox headed towards him. The trio all exchanged pleasantries and began to chat amongst themselves as they waited for the fourth, Jim, to arrive. Ryan turned to Sam and smiled. "So you up for this tonight fella?" "Yeah, guess so." "Guess so? It's gonna be well tasty mate. Proper naughty!" Sam chuckled, the shaggy haired canine always spoke as if he'd seen a few too many of those London gangster films and the fox couldn't help but be entertained by it.
Nick poked Ryan in the shoulder to get his attention. "Ry, where's Jim at then?" The brown Shep looked down at his phone. "He said he'd be along at about nine, so should be here in a little bit." Not a moment after Ryan had finished, a familiar voice called out from the top of the steps that led up to street-level. "Lads, hope you're up for this party, it's gonna be crawling with bitches!" The group turned their collective gaze up to see Jim looking back down towards them, a wide grin across his muzzle. The Doberman's team-mates hurried up the steps to greet him, while Sam made his way with notably less enthusiasm. For all of his character faults, Jim had a swagger and confidence about him that drew in a lot of furs. His friends and team-mates would hang on his every word when he spoke and so had the ability to motivate and inspire people to do things when he needed them to. It was this skill that made him a great captain. Sam knew this from this from the times he'd watched the team play and it was for this reason that the fox begrudgingly respected the canine as a leader, even if he thoroughly disliked him as an individual.
The red vulpine reached the top of the stairway just as the others had finished exchanging their greetings. He almost froze as he noticed Jim turn his attention over to him and approach. The Doberman had a glint in his eyes and an mischievous grin upon his muzzle. The glow from the street-light behind the toned black and tan hound emphasised the chunk missing from the tip of his right ear, a scar from a previous fight he'd been involved in. Sam could feel his bushy tail through his jeans as it tucked itself between his legs. "'Ello Sammy, how you doin' then?" Jim said in a low, husky voice as he threw his arm around the vulpine's shoulder. "Erm, yeah fine, cheers," the fox replied, only half disguising his discomfort. "Me and the lads were discussing what sort of talent we'd be looking for this evening." "Oh right, that's nice." "Yeah, was just thinkin', there might be some fat, ugly sort lurkin' about, beggin' for attention. They'd have no probs getting at it with a scrawny little runt like you." At five-foot-six, Sam was by far the shortest of the group, the two canines hovered around the six-foot mark, while Nick was a couple of inches taller still. The vulpine also possessed a slight, wiry build, the combination of which meant that many of his friends often teased him playfully about his small size. Jim's quips however, intentionally or not, often seemed rude and almost spiteful in their delivery. Usually Sam would hide his emotions and just roll with the taunts, as to not cause aggravation. This evening however, he wasn't in the mood for diplomacy.
The fox let out a small growl as his agitation turned swiftly to anger. He forced himself out of the canine's embrace with a stiff shrug of the shoulder. "Yeah right, whatever mate." "Oh come on it was a joke, lighten the fuck up you moody little twat!" Jim hollered. The vulpine didn't answer as he walked off towards the others. "Aww, come on, leave little man alone." Ryan smirked. "Hey, what? I'm kidding! It's not my fault the ball of fuzz is so damn precious." Nick ruffled his friend's head-fur playfully. "Come on cheer up, he's just messing you about, seriously." "No, he's being a prick. What's new?" Sam mumbled back, not wishing to let anyone else but the wolf hear him. "Okay sod it!" Jim stormed over to join the rest of the group. "Sammy might not want any, but the rest of us are gonna be knee-deep in it tonight. Let's go do this!"
The group proceeded to move off down the street, their captain leading the way as per usual. They exchanged friendly banter and jibes as they walked. "I'll leave some for the rest of you lads, don't worry I ain't greedy!" Jim declared mockingly as he walked along the pavement with his familiar, confident swagger. "Yeah mate, 'cos no-one can resist the charms of your alpha-self," Ryan replied sarcastically. "That's right my friend." "Yeah, Not even that cheeky little number down at the Red Paw Club last month? Unless you consider a kick in the balls and a Vodka and Coke to the face a success?" "Ryan, she don't count. Think she was a bloody lesbian anyways!" Nick chimed in with a comeback. "Oh that's right, every girl that turns you down is a lezzer, I forgot about that!" Jim looked to the wolf with an icy glare. "Don't you start either, you overgrown bastard!" The black-furred canine reached up to grab the hood of the taller lupine's jacket and proceeded to pull it hard over his head, all the way down to his muzzle. "Ooh sorry, did I touch a nerve there?" Nick chuckled as he uncovered his face, as well as his blonde-highlighted head-fur. "You're lucky you're our star striker, else I'd have to kick your head in mate!"
Sam would usually have joined in with the banter, to a certain extent at least. On this occasion however, his mindset was pulling him elsewhere. 'Two minutes in and the dick is already on my case. Why the hell did I say yes to this? Should have stayed home or pissed off to the pub with the others. I'm not up for this tonight.' The fox rubbed his head in despair as he glanced over to Nick. 'Maybe I should wait to tell him, too many furs about tonight that don't need to know. I want to though... dammit, this party is going to be a bitch to get through, who'd be me!?'