FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Hey all its Eric_S here again with another story for you guys. I know I've been hitting the depressive stuff recently with this but I wanted to get a few ideas down quickly and this is what I thought of. I will have smut for you soon I promise! Merry Christmas everyone and have a happy new year!

---

Song title : How to Save a Life

Artist :The Fray

---

"First of all I want to thank all of you for volunteering at the camp this year. However it won't be a pretty sight for even our most experienced members. I certainly hope that this year you will be able to make a difference to these kids lives,"

I've worked at this camp for a good five years now as a volunteer and in that time I've felt that I have developed more than enough in my ability to talk to the troubled youths that come through these doors every year. I look wearily back at Leah Tivam, the camp co-ordinator and her obviously well rehearsed speech. For all of her work and skill, the husky seemed to be getting more and more disenchanted with every passing year, wondering if her work was having an effect or not.

"It never seems to end, the tide of kids that come through here," I remember her saying to me one day_, "I just wonder what happens in the homes of these kids at times..."_

Looking amongst the other volunteers I would be working with for the next few weeks or so I wasn't surprised to see a number of new faces here. It was the same every year, we'd lose older members and have newer ones join. Only problem was that the new guys typically didn't stay very long. Maybe one year or two at max then they usually quit. Nobody ever chooses to stay on here, not with what we have to do; very few can deal with the stress involved.

"And here come our batch for this year. Please give them a warm welcome,"

I watched and give a half hearted clap as I finally got to see the individuals who would be joining us this year. In the past it's always been the same: drug abuse, alcoholism, domestic violence, they were the easy ones to spot. It was usually the more interesting cases that caught my attention even if I had never dealt with them directly before. Depression was the main one here as well as those who cut themselves or have attempted suicide. There was just something about them that was different to every other commonality that passed through here. It was also the biggest reason why we had to be so careful around them given their extreme volatility at times.

I scan every face that stepped off the bus and I could already tell that none of them was here voluntarily. Every one of them, both male and female, had dark, sullen looks with many of them fidgeting or playing with their phones, unwilling to talk to one another.

"Um... is this normal for them?"

It's Laura Danum. The tigress had only started this year and although Leah had good things to say about her she always seemed a little hesitant before actually going through with any course of action.

"Yeah it's normal. Don't let it get to you, they'll open up in time," I murmur as the usual greetings start. Looking around I notice a wolf, probably no older than fifteen or so all by himself and seemingly refusing to be around anyone else. He's typing something on his mobile but he quickly shoves it into his pocket as I approach. He kicks at a loose stone and turns away from me as I try to strike up some small talk.

"Hey there buddy why aren't you mixing with all of the others?" I ask. He gives me a hostile glance before turning his attention to the ground beneath his feet.

"Why should I? None of them made an effort to greet me and besides isn't it YOUR job to do all the introductions?" he growls.

I'm taken aback by the tone of voice that he's using with me. I have met all sorts of people from my volunteer work so I shouldn't have been so shocked but I guess it's still a reflex reaction.

"Do yourself a favour and leave me the fuck alone... I don't need to put up with this shit here," he continues before grabbing his bags and walking off with the others. I continue to stare dumfounded until one of the other volunteers shakes me.

"Come on let's go already," he says as I follow after him.

That evening as I eat dinner with the other staff members I keep an eye out for the wolf that had growled at me earlier. I finally spot him sitting by himself with a dark scowl on his face and keeping to himself as he did before.

"So what do you think of this year's batch?" Leah asks.

"That wolf over there," I start, pointing him out with my spoon, "Who is he?"

Leah and two other turn around to look at the wolf who is now getting up and handing his plate in without a word. He's not particularly hard to spot given he's the only one that turned up in a long sleeved shirt and trousers which struck me as odd considering how hot the summer was going to be.

"I'll have to look him up in the records. Why?" Leah asked.

"I tried to talk to him earlier but he just blew up at me. I have no idea what happened," I responded.

"He's probably just a little grumpy from the trip up here. Give him a couple of days and he'll warm up,"

"Oh hey here's that record you wanted. It's not a pretty sight from the looks of things; frankly I'm surprised he even made it here in one piece,"

I glance at the clipboard that I've just been handed and scan for anything that could be of use. Not that a lot of it was very useful, mostly it was small things like personal details, age, overall fitness levels, swimming capabilities, interests and the like but there was something new down the bottom which I had never seen before.

"When did we have 'reasons for attendance' on the forms?" I ask.

"I thought it would make our lives easier is all, helps us avoid guessing what the issue is with these kids,"

Looking back at the form in front of me I raise an eyebrow as I read the text again.

"I've noticed that out of everyone he seems to be the least hostile towards you. I was thinking that maybe you could..."

I sigh as I flip the page over and continue reading.

"Depression, attempted suicide... this is some serious stuff right here I'm not sure if I can do this by myself," I respond. Leah shrugs her shoulders.

"It's up to you really but nobody else can seem to talk to him properly without him screaming at them. I don't know what else to do," she continues.

"Alright I'll do it. I'll talk to him,"

I wasn't sure just how to approach him at this point in time as I was more than a little worried that I would encounter the same issues that everyone else was having. It was strange that despite the fact that these sorts of cases are the ones I'd like to deal with, I was not expecting to actually have such a case of my own. Attempted suicide is not something I have had any experience with before.

"Andrew can we talk for a bit?" I ask. He looks at me for a moment before turning away again. He's certainly not in any mood to talk whatsoever.

"Andrew please... I just want to talk nothing else,"

He hesitates for a moment before taking a seat at the table. Taking a seat opposite him he forces a smile as he avoids making any form of eye contact whatsoever.

"So... what did you want?" he asks sullenly.

"I just wanted to talk... about you," I press.

He stares down at the table, fidgeting a little as he tugs at his shirt.

"Why don't you tell me about yourself a little?" I ask.

He remains silent however, not looking up from the table. I wait patiently for a potential response but all I get is a nonchalant answer.

"Why do you care? Why do you want to know me?" he asks.

"Because I want to help you. I've heard about you and I'm worried about you. Perhaps there's something you want to talk about," I respond. He huffs dismissively and turns away.

"I told you before. Leave me the fuck alone! How hard is it for you to understand that?" he snarls, "This talk is over!"

Without another word he gets up and leaves, not turning back as he heads back to the dormitory.

"So how did it go?" Leah asks.

"Not good I'm afraid. He's still hostile to discussion," I respond as we're having out meeting with all the volunteers, "Do you happen to know why he's always wearing a long sleeved shirt?"

"He could be hiding something," one of the other volunteers suggests, "Maybe he cuts himself or something like that,"

I'm more than sceptical at this point but it is more than possible that this could be true.

"Perhaps but what am I supposed to do at this point? He's like an unbreakable rock,"

"Out of all of us you are the most likely one of us to help him. You can do it... I believe in you," Leah reassuringly tells me. I'm still sceptical at this point of my capabilities but I have to try at least.

I spent the next few days or so observing Andrew in the hope that I can find what makes him tick. I've had no success however as he still kept to himself and refused to mix with the others. I didn't blame him for being in a brooding mood but it still bugged me that he was acting in this way. Another thing that I wanted to figure out was why he was always wearing long sleeved shirts and trousers every single day. In addition he almost always went to shower by himself and he never seemed to go swimming under any circumstances. How he kept cool was beyond me as the temperature fluctuated from warm to insanely hot from day to day. He seemed to be getting used to having me around him though and I think I have finally managed to get a few words out of him that weren't hostile from the get go. It's not much but it's better than nothing I suppose.

"Andrew... I wish to have a short discussion with you," I tell him one day during recreation time.

"Can you make it quick? There's a book that I really should be getting back to," he mutters as he places a bookmark in it before hopping off his bed.

"So how have you been?" I ask as I lead him back to one of the rooms where we have one on one talks with the teenagers. He let out a quiet sigh as I gesture for him to sit down. Turning towards the window he takes a few steps in its direction before stopping again.

"I've... had some time to think if that's what you mean," he finally answers.

"There has been something playing on my mind for a while and I would like to know more if that's okay with you,"

He hesitates a little while he continues to stare out of the window. I notice one of his paws twitching slightly, almost as if he was questioning whether or not it would be wise to answer any questions that I could potentially put forth. The slump of resignation follows soon after and as his tail droops he turns around and sits across from me, a somewhat bored look on his face. The tension in the room is incredible and I'm now starting to have second thoughts about why I'm doing this, but I have my orders so I push on despite the niggling feeling at the back of my mind telling me to stop.

"Would you like to tell me why you're here?" I start.

"This thing was mum's idea. She was so scared that she would 'lose her baby boy' after my attempt. Dumb bitch doesn't understand the half of it," he responds, folding his arms across his chest as he leans back in the chair.

"Well what about your father? Surely he had something to say about that right?"

He snorts dismissively at the mention of the word 'father'.

"Dad left us soon after I was born when he found out he wasn't my actual dad. Mum raised me up by herself but essentially smothered me with what she calls 'love'. I've been miserable ever since I was eleven and she couldn't see any of it. I have no other siblings so she poured everything onto me," he huffs. I ­­­­blink a few times as this new information sinks into my brain. Raised by a single parent as an only child? This was not on any form or information that I had seen in the past week or so.

"Oh... okay... um well I mean she must be concerned for you if she thought this would help right? I mean attempting to take your own life is something quite serious," I hesitantly continue. With some luck I hoped to actually get a cause of why he's so unhappy in the first place.

"Do you honestly think that you can simply understand this issue and wish it away? No! I've dealt with this shit for far too long already and I'm sick of it!"

"Yet something is holding you back. You've become happier during your time here so far so there is something which you are not letting on about,"

I notice his muscles tensing slightly before relaxing, his face remaining as stoic as ever. There was internal conflict here and it pained me to have this information kept from me but patience would be the key.

"There... there's nothing to say," he quickly adds, "there's nothing really wrong. Just mum being an insensitive dyke at times,"

He's lying of course; I can see it in his eyes.

"Andrew... this camp isn't about your mum... it's about you. We all have our hard times and believe me my relationship with my parents have been extremely rocky at times as well but we're here to help you. Most of us have gone through some kind of heartache in the past and none of us wants to see anyone else suffer in this way,"

I'm not sure if he's buying my argument but I can hope he is. It works for some but not everyone, I just hope that he is one of the ones where it does work. He balls his paws into fists before releasing them again. He's contemplating, planning, plotting something. A million thoughts rush through my head as I nervously glance at the clock on the wall. We've only been here for twenty minutes but it already feels like an hour and the silence isn't making it any more bearable.

"You're a good person, don't waste what potential you have because of what your parents say," I continue.

"Do you say that to everyone you deal with? Is it a stock answer that they teach you in training?" he asks. I should have been prepared for this but it still surprised me that he could come up with this. Luckily I'm quicker on the draw than in the past.

"Make of that as you will my young wolf but the simple truth is that you're worth something regardless of what your parents or what anyone else says. If there is any trouble you should never hesitate to contact someone,"

"Maybe your right," he mutters, "But maybe you're also wrong. Unless you've seen what I've seen and heard what I've heard, felt what I've felt you'll never understand what I've been through. Well thanks anyway for trying to make me feel better but it really isn't necessary,"

I watch as he gets up and leaves, letting the door close slowly behind him, upon which I heave a sigh of defeat. There's just no cracking this tough nut, not with the approach I'm using. I scribble a few notes down on a piece of paper before folding it up. I feel that it would help me when I write up my report at the end of the camp. I certainly hope that I got my message across. It's hard to do that sometimes when the other person doesn't want to listen.

"So how'd it go this time?"

"He's starting to crack I think but it's still going to take a little bit longer to get through,"

"You'd better make sure you get in through. We're half way through the camp and I don't want to think about the consequences of what may happen if you don't get in there,"

Nodding my understanding I finish up my report and hand it in. At the end of every week each volunteer has to write up a report on what progress they've made and I feel more than embarrassed to find that while everyone else has made some degree of progress I'm still essentially stuck at square one.

"I think I got way in over my head on this one," I mutter to Leah as I hand the clipboard over, "I have no idea if I'm going to get to him,"

"You can do it," Leah responds, "Nobody else can talk to him like you can. Keep going,"

I'm only half listening as I reach the door. I'm losing faith in my abilities by now and I'm not sure if it's even worth continuing with my efforts. I've failed before in the past but it hasn't affected me in the same way that this kid has. I don't know why but there's just something that I have to know and find out about him.

It would take another week or so of coaxing before I managed to get another one on one talk session with Andrew. He was starting to tire of me always talking to him though, giving me the impression that he wanted to be left alone more than ever. I wasn't going to give up when I was this close however so I kept pestering him until I was satisfied with understanding the issue entirely.

"Okay now seriously you are really starting to piss me off! Can't you let this fucking issue rest already?" he demands, "I'm fucking alright now! I'm not some deranged idiot like everyone else here!"

"Andrew look I know that you're not happy here and frankly at times I wish I was doing something else as well but nobody here wants to see you getting hurt," I tell him calmly.

"If you don't want to see me get hurt then how about you leave me alone again? It's bad enough the other kids don't talk to me because hey, who the fuck wants to mix with a depressed lunatic? Oh not weird enough? How about one that fucking cuts themself then?"

He's screaming at me by this point in time but I have to keep a brave face on if I want to get through to him. Weather the storm and reap the ensuing whirlwind.

"Look at it! Look! Four to five years of pain and misery right in front of you!"

I don't want to look at the scars that adorn his left arm but I cannot help but let my eyes slide over to look. It's not a pretty sight. Red lines drawn parallel to each other, spaced a mere centimetre apart caused my arm to twitch slightly. What scared me the most was that some of the lines looked relatively fresh, as if they had been made just hours prior. Was that what he was hiding in that book that he was almost always reading? A razor blade and gauze?

"I've been doing this since I was thirteen!" he screams, "Mum never understood what I was going through, the emotional hell that she was putting me through. She never gave a damn about my opinions! I was an automaton for her failed dreams and aspirations! She never had the chance to do what I've got the potential for and she's making me miserable because she wants to see it by pushing me beyond my limits!"

It's getting harder and harder to keep a straight face and I feel more than sorry for him at this point in time but I just don't know what to do. Digging deep into my reservoirs of knowledge I attempt to pluck whatever I can that could help in defusing this potentially volatile situation.

"She's a fucking nut. I hate her so much at times! She never trusts me with anything, almost always demands to know where I've been, needs to know everyone I mix with... I never get any form of privacy! She fucking owns me and she damn well knows it! I don't buy anything she says about 'loving me'. It's all a big fucking lie she uses to control me!"

From the sound of his voice I can tell he's tearing himself up inside because of this. He's sparing nothing and letting everything it out all at once in one violent outburst. I don't fault him at this point for doing it yet the story seems all too familiar.

"She really does care about you even if you don't agree with the way she is doing it. You can either continue on your self-destructive path or you can admit to yourself that there is something wrong and you want somebody to help. Make a decision now," I calmly tell him

There's no point hanging back anymore; it's either now or never. He hesitates for a moment. I can't tell which path he wants to take but I know which one that I want him to take. I stare stoically at him as he clenches his fists again before rolling down the sleeves on his shirt. "So have you decided what you want to do?" I press. He lets out a quiet sigh before turning towards me.

"There is no shame in death at this point. It would be the honourable thing to do in my situation,"

I give him a blank stare.

"What makes you say that?" I ask him.

"I have failed in my attempt to do well this year... I have sullied the trust that had been put in me and I shall pay for this abhorrent crime,"

"Abhorrent crime? What abhorrent crime is that?" "I have failed to uphold the standard that has been required of me. In terms of academics,"

This is it... the information I've been searching for all of this time.

"What exactly do you mean by that?" I continue

"I failed to obtain my straight 'A' grade requirement... without them I am nothing,"

And there was my reason. I guess I should have expected this given how high teenage suicide rates were, especially after the exam period. It wasn't anything out of the ordinary and if anything his mother could possibly have contributed to this as well.

"There is no shame in not being the perfect student. You can still achieve everything you want even with a B+ in one area," I quietly tell him.

"You don't get it do you? Do you have any idea who I have to compete with? Every single one of my fucking relatives were all straight A students and what are they doing now? Law! Medicine! Commerce! I am an embarrassment to myself and my family!"

I remain silent as he continues on his tirade; there was no point in trying to interrupt his rant while he was in this mood.

"Andrew... look you can achieve anything you set your heart at. Believe in yourself and you can succeed, use your mistakes as stepping stones to learn and become better. Taking your own life because you failed is not the path that would help you the most,"

He's listening now, but only just, his feigned interest obvious enough to justify continuing.

"If you wish to continue along your self-destructive path you will never be able to achieve what you deem 'perfection'. You can only do it if you try and set your heart at it... how will you be able to try again if you off yourself?"

He remains silent throughout this, contemplating my words. This may be it; I think I may have gotten to him.

"Think about it... you've already achieved so much would you honestly want to throw what potential you have all because of one misdemeanour? You can achieve whatever you want but your lack of faith in yourself is holding you back. Forget about your competition for a moment and think,"

He looks down at the table, not wanting to look me in the eye anymore. I pass over a piece of paper and a pen, sliding it in front of him as I continue.

"I want you now to write down who you are trying to get these grades for. Be honest with me and I will show you who I think you should be trying to get these grades for,"

I watch as he starts to scribble down an inevitably long list of names on his sheet. In stark comparison to the list which I was compiling myself which only contained a few words at best.

"This is all I can think of," he eventually says, passing the sheet of paper over to me. As I scan the sheet for every little scrap of writing I see I am not surprised to find several familiar terms. It was like this every time, the same names would be repeated over and over again: mum, dad, brothers, sisters, aunties, uncles, cousins... it was all the same. It didn't surprise me to find all of these names that had been listed amongst others. Folding up his sheet of paper I pass over mine instead.

"You are kidding me right?" he asks, clearly bewildered at my answer.

"The only person you should be aiming for great heights is yourself and yourself only. Who cares what other people think? It's your life and you're the only one who can make something of it,"

He falls silent again, though I think this time it's more of acceptance than anything else.

"So what do you think?" I ask him, "Do you achieve for yourself or do you do it for others? Who will you achieve for now?"

"I shall... achieve for myself and myself only," he finally responds.

I can't tell if he really means it or if he's just saying what I want to hear but I give a reassuring nod out of habit. I like to think that people really do mean the things they say but it can be really hard to tell with some teenagers at times. It's like they actually know how to play somebody.

"That's what I want to hear. We've made a lot of progress here," I tell him before glancing back up at the clock, "Well it's getting later you'd better get back to the dorm,"

As I filed my report for that day, I had a mild feeling of dread run down my spine. I don't know why I felt it but something nagged at me, something didn't felt right. Why had he suddenly changed his mind like that? He had been resisting for so long and now he's just changed his tune without a second thought? Something felt wrong but I still shook off the odd feeling without thinking it over thoroughly. I just felt so damn good after finally getting to him that I didn't want to potentially think anything bad could go wrong.

How naive I was

I received a call from Leah about a week or so after the camp had broken up. Exam results had come out around the country and there were news reports the entire day about the things as well. Every year there is usually a report of at least one suicide given how highly the country views education. Our camp is usually mentioned as well as the suicide hotline but even then we still see hardly any cases. Though I do believe it is because everyone normally associates our camp with those battling drug and alcohol abuse.

"Leah? What a pleasant surprise, I certainly hope that all of the reports are up to your standard," I tell her, cutting her off briefly for a moment.

"I... didn't call about the reports. They're good but seem a little well... short. Um anyway check the news, channel six... there's something you should see," came the reply.

Turning on the television in my apartment, I switch to the appropriate channel and stay on the line, waiting for something to happen

"... but as usual there have been some shocking revelations which have people wondering 'is the stress from exams worth it?' We cross to our reporter Julie Feldon in Lansdale,"

The screen changed to outside a suburban house where a vixen in a well groomed suit stood with a microphone in her paw.

"Thanks Jeff, earlier today the emergency services received a frantic phone call about a student who supposedly had overdosed on paracetamol after receiving their exam results for the year. We have managed to obtain a name of the victim as being Andrew Lim a fifteen year old wolf attending the Lionsfield School of Performing Arts who took his life after receiving one B grade. His mother is distraught and had this to say when we talked her earlier,"

The television then switched to recording that had been made earlier in the day A female wolf probably in her mid forties was visibly sobbing as she tried to burble out a coherent response.

"I... I just wish I had my b... baby boy still with me. I never knew he f... felt this way," she whimpered.

"He attempted suicide before," I muttered, "Shouldn't that have been a big warning sign?"

"The school will hold a vigil tomorrow, this is Julie Feldon, channel six news,"

I was dumbfounded by this. That niggling sensation I've been having all this time was correct, something was wrong. It all seemed so obvious now. He hid everything because he was studying drama and I fell for it.

"You gonna be alright?" Leah asked.

"Yeah... yeah," I eventually respond, "Just gimme some time to think it over,"

"Call me if you need to talk to someone,'

Hanging up I turn the television off and slump in a chair. I cannot believe that I had failed in my duty. The kid was now dead because I couldn't convince him otherwise. What did I do wrong? I send Leah off a quick message saying that I'm not going to be volunteering anymore as I start to think back as to what else I could have done, where I could have been led on without knowing it and most of all... how I could have saved a life...