It's Always Sunny in Liberty City - The Gang Cripples Rags
Disclaimer: This is not an RP in the guise of a story; it's just in script format to make it easier to read what each character is saying. Also, various copyrighted names are used, and blah blah blah, I don't claim ownership of them, all usernames were used with permission, and Liberty City and anything else from the GTA universe belongs to Rockstar Games and whatnot. So enjoy! Or don't. But if you don't, you're probably an aging hippy douche who can't come to terms with his mortality and thus can't find any enjoyment in life and thus feels that everyone else should be as miserable as you. ^^
Mall Parking Lot - Alderney, Liberty City
4:35 P.M. - On a Saturday
ArcticWolf451 - Guys come on, this isn't brain surgery, it's just hotwiring an expensive car in a part of the parking lot that's not covered by security cameras.
Sylvr - Hey I'm going as fast as I can, this shit's hard to do.
Yukigo Kurosaki - (On phone texting Adam) I don't care what we do so long as Mr. Lee doesn't actually cut our balls off.
AW- .....dude...
YK - ????
AW- Quit texting! You're supposed to be the lookout.
YK- I thought that was NightWolfz and Product59's job?
AW- Noooooo, they're supposed to be jacking that Comet over there and....
(Tire screeching and yelling as NightWolfz pulls the car into the center of the lot and does a donut)
NightWolfz - YEEEAHHH! Ron Paul 2012!!!! WOOOOOOO!
(Crashes car into a light pole and gets thrown through the windshield)
NW- WHOOOAAAAA! (THUD) Ack! (bump) Gah! (roll) Kuh-fuck! Oohhhhh, god...
AW- Jon!
NW- Kyyyllle! =D
AW- What the hell are you doing?! We need that car in tact!
NW- Oh...well ain't that nifty.
AW - >,...,<
NW- It's okay, I'll go steal another one.
YK- No time, cops!
Sylvr - Shit! Annnnd...got it! (Starts car) Everyone pile in!
(Everyone hops in the car and Sylvr speeds off with the cops in hot pursuit)
Sylvr- Oh fuck, we're boned.
YK- Wait...where's Reuben?
(Product59 suddenly rounds the corner in a stolen Stallion and accidently rams the cop car)
P59 - YEEEAAH, SUCK IT MICHELLE BACH- (CRASH) - mannnnn....ohhh god I think I just sharted.
(Cops get out of the car and point guns at Reuben)
P59 - (Notices cops) Oh...I'll have you two know that I'm 1/64th black, 1/64th Cherokee Indian, and 31/32nd Jewish...making me the most oppressed of minorities which inspired me to get a law degree to fight injustices to my people...es.
Cop#1 - ...fuck it, Internal Affairs is all over my ass for those botched hooker stings.
Cop#2 - That's because you were killing them and taking their wallets.
Cop#1 - It lowered the crime rate didn't it?
Cop#2 - Good point. (Waves Reuben off) Have a good day sir.
P59 - Haha, never fails. Now.......I think I'm gonna go to the hospital to get my shoulder relocated.
(Back in the car with the rest of us)
Sylvr- Whoa? Dude Reuben just took out the cops for us!
AW - Wow, he actually did something helpful for once? Usually he's the one discharging his weapon into the floor or putting drugs in our beer.
YK - (Moans) Oh nice one Adam.
NW - The fuck?
YK - Nothing, I'm just sexting my boyfriend.
Sylvr- (Slams on the brakes) WHAT? He's got a boyfriend?!
YK - Oh come on guys, I've been bi for like...16 months now. You should be used to it.
NW - ....Fag! =D
YK- x3
NW - I keed, I keed. But didn't he have a girlfriend?
YK - I have that too. It's just I'm not in a vagina mood right now.
NW- O.O
AW- Hey Jon, guess what?
NW- What? =3
AW- COOTER!!!!
NW - COOOOOOOOOOOOOTER! =D
Sylvr- Will you two shut up, I can't drive!
AW- (Grabs Sylvr's tail) Hey Jon, fox-tail fight?
NW- (Grabs Yuki's tail) En garde!
(Arctic and Jon start slapping Yuki and Sylvr's tails together)
Sylvr- Dude, quit it! I can't focus!
YK - Jon! Get your hand off my butt you dick hole!
AW- That's what she said!
NW- Ooohh UUHHHH! ....haahhhh.
YK - (Tries to punch Jon, but ends up dropping cell phone)
Sylvr - (accidently drifts into another lane, horns blare) Shit!!!
AW - (Let's go of his tail)
NW - I win!
YK - Good, now give me back my tail you moron!
NW - (Tail fwaps Yuki with his own tail)
YK - Gyah! (Inhales) Haaaaaahh, (Inhales thru teeth again) Haaaaaaah, (Slight pause, more inhaliness) Haaaaaaaggggh.
Sylvr - Hehehehe, Family Guy reference. That's always made of so much...
(Runs red light and takes out a pedestrian in the crosswalk)
Rags - (Gets hit and rolls onto the hood of the car, then rolls back onto the street as Sylvr slams on the brakes)
Sylvr - OH SHIT!
AW- Dude, did you smash someone's dog?
Rags - (Lies dead in the street)
(Everyone gets out to inspect the corpse)
NW - Oh shit son, that's Rags!
YK - ...am I supposed to know who that is?
AW- (Head slaps Yuki)
YK- Hey!
Rags - (Spits out blood) Pleghf! What the fuck, did I just get laid?
Sylvr - He's alive! :D
NW - (Draws gun) Not for long, we don't have insurance and I'll be damned if we're settling this in court!
YK - You can't just kill him! It's unethical!
NW - So is paying a woman to rent her lady parts to you for the night.
YK - Shut up! It was ONE time. And it was before I met Kelly.
Rags - (Shakes head) Ohh god...where am I? What just...oh...right. Car...bumper equals pain.
Sylvr - Guys I think he's gotta concussion, his pupils are dilated.
Rags - Quit looking in my eyes you faggot!
Sylvr - Although he's as insensitive and abrasive as ever.
AW - Oh thank God, I was afraid Jon was gonna have to put him down.
NW - You mean I can't now?
AW - No.
NW - Awwwwwwww.
AW - Look if you're so eager to shoot someone go kill that crack dealer over there in the alley.
NW- CRACK DEALER? =D (Runs off)
AW - Alright he's gone, now let's get Rags in the car and off to the hospital.
(Sylvr and Arctic lift Rags into the backseat with Yuki)
YK - Hey...is it normal for hyena's to have large bumps protruding from their thighs?
AW - Say wha'? (Looks at Rags' leg) Oh good god, he's got a compound fracture!
Rags - Compound!?!? Wait...what's that mean?
YK - See your femur bone right there?
Rags - Yeah?
YK - Exactly.
Rags - What? Why's that so...OH MY GOD! =O
AW - Dude calm down, it's just your splintered femur poking through your flesh, it's nothing a cast and six months of immobilization can't fix.
Rags - Calm down? You fucking street jockeys ran me over while I was trying to submit my cartoons to the New Yorker!!! Do you know what this is going to do to my career?
Sylvr - Jump start it?
Rags - NO.
AW - I'm pretty sure it's gonna jump start it.
Rags - HOW?
AW- With a cast on, you'll be in too much pain to waste time fapping all day.
Rags - And so what, I'm gonna feel like meticulously drawing instead?
AW - Aren't you?
Rags - Does "Are you serious face"
(Later, at the hospital)
Doctor - Alright Mr. Rags, we've managed to realign your femur and get a cast on, but your health insurance expired three weeks ago so...umm...yeah who's getting billed 20 grand for your operation?
Rags - Points to Kyle That retard right there who hit me while I was in the crosswalk.
Doctor - Umm, okay...this sounds like something that should be dealt with in court.
AW - It's cool, I got the money for it.
Sylvr - No you don't dude, we're flat broke!
AW - Relax, I secretly made like 50 grand auctioning off the scrapped F-15s to Michael Bay's set designers so they could ruin another one of our childhood memories on the big screen.
NW - Nice. But...wait...why didn't we get any of that money?!?
AW - Cause you switched from Xbox 360 to PS3. Serially, how stupid can you get?
NW - x3
Rags - Hey...wait...where'd that blue fox guy go?
AW - Oh, I left him in the lobby.
(In the lobby)
YK - Using a newspaper to hide the fact that he's masturbating in public while sexting Adam
Woman - Excuse me sir, are you done with the stocks page?
YK - cums YEEAHH!
Woman - Oh, ...well cool. Can I trouble you for it? grabs it
YK - Wait..what?
Woman - Shrieks as she uncovers Yuki's schlong and now sticky trousers OH MY GOD! You sicko, what the fuck's wrong with you?
YK - ....uhhhhh....I'm a fox?
(Product59 walks in)
P59 - talking to receptionist Hello, I just dislocated my arm here, and my insurance company is willing to pay top dollar for one of your labcoat jockeys to snap it back in.
Security guards hauling Yuki off to cop car waiting outside
P59 - Notices Yuki Oh hold on guys, I'm that fox's lawyer.
Guard - So?
P59 - His black Jewish Indian lawyer with a law degree from Harvard, the most racially tolerant school in the country.
Guard - Un-cuffs Yuki Sorry to bother you sir.
YK - Wow, thanks Reuben.
P59 - Eh, don't sweat it. Kyle'd get on my case if I didn't do something, and it wouldn't be the same if we couldn't keep making hooker jokes about you.
YK - xO
FUUUHHHHHHH!
END