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The bell rang, announcing the end of class. Everyone was glad they were finally off and free to do whatever they wanted. Everyone except me. I've struggled all my life to keep it a secret, to bury my feelings under piles and piles of lies. My skin became impenetrable to all emotions. The outside of me became the social one, the one everyone expects me to, while the inside had rotten all those years, trapped in an endless cycle of self-hatred and sorrow. I became dead the day I realized I was different; no matter how much I said to myself I was the same as before, so many things have changed within me, including my personality, as I slowly accepted what fate had put upon me. What else could I have done? I'm finally at peace now but I still wish life would have played a little differently. If only the world could be a gentler place, a caring one...

I don't know how I had built up the courage to do it, but I don't consider myself as brave. I simply couldn't live my life like this any longer. If I had I'd probably have gone crazy.

"Hey, Tanashi. Do you have a minute?"

The fox slowly turned his head around and nodded for him to continue.

"Could I see you...after school? I have something I want to talk about."

"Um...I'm kind of busy tonight. How long will it take?"

"Depends." He considered the question, and by what he guessed of his friend, he was able to wrap his head over the scene already. "Few minutes, I guess."

"Okay...where?"

"Meet me in front of those stairs at the park; you know... The ones where we first met, all those years ago. 7 PM"

"Fine. Jeez, what is all this about?" The small husky made no move to answer, and Tanashi was soon gone out the door, trying to catch his bus in time.

Tanashi has been my best friend for years; as long as I can remember, we were almost always together. He was a fox, all beige and white. A fennec, from the desert. It made him kind of unique because there wasn't many around the small town we lived in. It was a pretty rare species considering we lived pretty far out north. Far enough to get the most uncomfortable cold temperatures for half a year.

Elliot was in no hurry to catch his bus today since he decided to take the long way around. He made sure he buckled up well his jacket and his coat as the mid-fall season already started to bring some cold to the land. He had to figure out how to tell him properly; he had no expectations, but maybe, with a little tact, he could get through his friend and make him understand.

The wind was blowing in the leaves of trees, slowly falling off to the ground, covering de last pieces of green grass with yellow, orange and brown leaves, leaving the surroundings incredibly glowing considering the sun was about to set. He shivered a little, but appreciated how calm nature was: he was at peace now, there was no turning back. He already felt kinda free, finally taking a decision for himself since all those years of suffering and struggling.

"Damn it, just tell him and leave, like you planned to! I don't know why I'm even trying!" He rounded the corner of his neighbourhood and slowly made his way inside, getting a little warmer in his comfy home.

"Hi sweetie, how's it going", she asked out of nowhere.

"I'm good", he lied for maybe one of the last times. "Nothing new, really..."

"That's good to hear", she said. "Now sit down, dinner's almost ready." They ate in silence, just like the two of them use to do on week days. His father was a hard working man who provided for the family, while his mother stayed at home to take care of the house. He could help but hate his father for his outmoded manners, thinking "the man" had to take care of the economic problem and carelessly raise his child. Because he didn't participate much in his education, his mother was very strict with him; she felt she had to "control" her kid alone. It's only when talk would come into fists that his father would magically reappear to take properly care of my behaviour. 'By looking at it now, I think it explains why I acted so arrogantly.'

He soon finished his plate, and seeing it was almost time, he quickly shoved it in the dishwasher and told his mom he'd go for a walk. "Just don't come back late hon!", she shouted before he was gone. His breath became heavier as he slowly made his way to the park near his old elementary school. He found him sitting on top of all those stairs and it brought the husky back some memories.

[...]

"Hey, you over there, want to play with us? We're missing one person."

"Me?", I'd say. "Why would you want to play with me?"

"Stop asking stupid questions and come join us! You'll have fun, I promise."

I had lifted up my eyes at him, trying to figure out if he was serious. I was glad he included me, and soon, we were playing with each other almost every day. It was no secret then that he was my best and only friend I had. I made other friends soon after, but once high school started, they were all separated into different schools. Luckily, I still was with my pal, but he...changed, slowly, overtime. Girls were soon wrapped around his neck and our friendship started fading out, separated by our growing differences.

Can't say I didn't change either; at that time that I was already recluding myself over something I've never wanted in my life. But I can't change it anyway. "Live with it!", I said to myself a million times. Here I am now, a sixteen year old student who has been engulfed by high school's way of life. I'm putting an end to it now!

[...]

He saw me arrived, or heard I guess, as he lifted his face upon my gaze. His eyes though, were different from then; it was a colder, more independent look. Almost like an annoyed one. Despite my already settled decision, I was still really, really nervous. My ears were folded backward and my pace was slow. My tail was hanging between my legs, like a little pup that has been grounded by his parents. I took one last breath before deciding that it was time.

"Hey", he said. "Something's wrong?" I made no way to answer right now. "I just remembered; it was our secret code then that we had for telling each other we had something on our minds. We would always come to this place to talk about it, like it was the only safe place to do so." His face looked nostalgic for a moment, reminiscing the old time. Then his usual self came back. "So, cut to the chase, will you?"

"Tanashi, I know you won't like it, but...I just can't take it anymore." He closed his eyes in pain, taking the last pause he could use to gather up his strength. "You've become such a jerk now! Ever since you entered that soccer team, you've been acting...out of place. You've change! I'll never forgive you for what you did! How could you?"

His friend was dumbstruck by his revelation, hardly considering the husky was against him all along. "You're referring to what happened two days ago?", he inquired with his now cold and empty voice. "Dude, he has deserved it, you know? Didn't you hear all the rumours?"

"That's exactly what I'm talking about! How dare you say that? How dare you make him pay for what he had no control over? He was my friend; I pleaded you to leave him alone, to do everything in your power to avoid that! But what did you do? You had to corner him with all your jocks' buddy and beat the crap out of him! I hate you, and I won't close my eyes anymore!"

The husky was crying now, to the point where it became incontrollable. His eyes, despite the tears, were filled with anger against who he had always considered as his friend. How much of a fool he felt now.

Now, it was Tanashi's time to get angry. "Then he shouldn't be your friend! You shouldn't hang out with people like him! It could be dangerous for you..."

"What the hell! What the hell are you even talking about? Do you have the slightest idea of the foolish misconception you're using to judge me?!"

"I won't stand being called a fool by you! YOU are wrong! How long have you known? How long have you just stood by his side like it was nothing when you knew that-"

"What difference does it make? How the hell does that make him different to you? Why does it bother you so much? Tell me!"

"No, tell me why YOU are defending him? What reason could you possibly have to try and help him? What makes you stand up for him?"

The husky closed his eyes, finally digging into it. He took his cold and monotone voice. "If you think like that, Tanashi, then I think we shouldn't hang out anymore..." Everything got silent, he noticed. He could still hear the wind blow through the leaves, but no more shouting, no more fighting, no more movements. The silence became unbearable, but he was too scared to open his eyes. After a long moment, he heard talking again, but not what he'd wanted to hear.

"So that's it then? You're a sinner, too. You're a faggot, a sluty cocksucker!" The husky opened his eyes to face whatever was coming. Tanashi shook his head, eyes closed to the realization that all this time, his best friend was gay and he didn't have a clue about it. He lifted his eyes again to the husky, pulling the coldest look he could on his once best friend. "That's it, I'm outta here", he said after a moment.

He slowly got down the stairs, making his way towards the still standing husky before passing besides him by the shoulder. The husky panicked, seeing that it was really the end, or the beginning of the end.

"Tanashi, wait! You can't leave like that!" Seeing his friend was no longer paying attention to him, he grabbed his arm in hope that he'd listen to him some more. 'Maybe; just maybe, I can get through him...'

He swung around his arm in the air, making the husky loose his grip. "Don't. You. Ever. Touch me!", he snarled angrily at him. The husky saw in his friend something he had never seen: eyes full of pure hate and disgust. But he didn't want to stop now. The husky couldn't leave it like this.

"Tanashi, you're acting like an idiot, I tell you! Just listen!", he said surrounding his waist with both his arms.

"THAT'S IT!", he said before pushing his friend to the ground, making him fall off on his tail on the solid pavement of the courtyard. The husky cried out as an electrical shock of pain coursed through his body. He was just regaining awareness of the surroundings as the contact made him lose his balance and disoriented him when he threw him a kick in the ribs, making a loud cracking noise. Elliot did the only thing he could in this situation: he curled himself up in a ball and used his arms to protect any harm done to his face. He endured the beating for several minutes, blocking random kicks and punches from his friend, but some still made contact with his fragile body as he could feel bruises form on the surface of his skin.

He cried out in pain each time he received a blow, crying under his closed eyes. His mind was empty as all he could think of now was the desire of surviving that coursed by his pained and bleeding body. He could feel the rush of adrenaline making his muscles tense up and the pain easing up to give him a higher chance to escape, but the mechanical reaction from his body couldn't save him in this situation. He was pinned down by the constant blows, keeping him from making a move.

When the beating finally stopped, the husky was shivering like a leaf, still curled onto his self like he expected more blows. He slowly opened his eyes to see a blurry vision of his ex best friend looking down at him. Tanashi was panting silently, but at least he stopped kicking. It was over...

"I was gonna let you go because you once were my friend, but you HAD to push me and make me mad." He stopped, like he expected the husky to say something. "If you ever see me after today, the last thing you want to do is approach me. It's over. I'm no friend of queers!"

He spat on my head and turned around, slowly walking off, letting me bleeding and beaten up on the ground in the cold temperature. I cried; I cried like I have never cried in my life. The tears were running down my cheek like torrents of rain. I was shaken up by the beating and pained by the loss of my friend. I couldn't stop... All sorts of memories played back in my head: memories I thought I had forgotten.

[...]

• "Hey, you're good at this game! It's decided then: from now on, you play with us!"

• "What's wrong? Does it hurt somewhere? I can make it better!"

• "You should have just told me, silly, even if it's hard to tell me sometimes. I know! We'll make this spot our usual spot if we want to talk about things. Rule number one: all what's said here will stay between you and me. Rule number two: we are never allowed to judge the other person on what's said on these stairs. And rule number three: we have to do everything in our power to help each other out if the other is in a difficult situation. How does that sound?"

• "If you're still not convinced, then we should promise. Promise each other that no matter how many people try to separate us, no matter how many girls standing between us, no matter how we change during our high school years, we'll always be friends! No matter what I tell you: long live our friendship!"

[...]

All kinds of voices echoed in the back of my head, making my suffering more unbearable. I couldn't believe it was all over in just five minutes. Just like that: ten years of friendship ended because of such a stupid statement. Because I was different; because I was awkward to him...

I don't know how long I've stayed there, silently suffering, but once I got up, it was dark. I limbed on one leg, realizing the other one had so many bruises it was difficult just to walk on it. One of my eyes was swollen, so I left it shut. I tasted blood in my mouth, but I prodded my teeth with my tongue to realize in relief that none were broken. I brought my bleeding paw to my face to check out my nose, but nothing was out of place. My tail was sore, but I could still move it like before, despite the pain at the base of it. Two of my ribs hurt like hell, but I didn't want to think about it.

I made my way through the streets under the light of street lamps, leading the way to my one opened eye. Two passersby asked me if I was alright but I simply said yes and got on to my way home. I couldn't see a doctor: they'd ask questions and there was no way I would let them tell my parents about it. Anyway, the fact that I could walk properly was indicating me that I wouldn't need any serious injury treatments like a pad for broken bones.

It took me some time, but I finally arrived home, getting the proper heat for my body to stop shivering out of cold. I still was a little, though, but it was because of the shock my body had today. Thank god, my parents weren't waiting for me to come back before heading out to sleep. They must've assumed I was back already because my bedroom door was closed.

He made his way to the bathroom, and began to strip from all of his clothes. He noticed some parts were shredded and there were lots of blood stains on it. He took a new cloth to wipe all his bruises and opened wounds. The warm water eased the pain a little, but he was feeling the stirring of his skin to the contact of water, making him yelp out in pain. He tried to hide it as much as he could when it came to washing his other paw, seeing the wound was really deep.

He then reached for some bandages to put on his bleeding parts, the pressure of the material helping him move around more. He then went for the freezer, taking the cup of ice and emptying it all in two Ziplocs. He added some water in and closed them. He applied one of them on his eye, making him shiver to the sudden change of temperature. The other was for his ribs, which seemed to have gotten worse because of all his moving around.

He made sure to bring back his stained clothes in his room, to hide the evidence, and then went straight to bed, making sure he laid on his "good" side while on the other was wrapped up in ice. He covered himself with his bed sheets and tried to forget everything; the pain kept him awake some time, but he finally drifted away.

[...]

The next day, I was feeling like crap. My tail was still sore, my skin was burning and my ribs were still injured. I could tell from the way it hurt once I turned over in bed. I decided to play dead in my room, having no intention to stand up. After a while, my mother came.

"What are you doing still in bed?", she asked. "It's a school day, come on, wake up."

"Mom...I don't really...feel well today. I think I caught a cold yesterday..."

"Oh, poor baby, your voice is shaking! It's okay, you can stay in for today. Let me just make some calls at work so I can take care of-"

"Don't, mom, really. It's just a cold, I can take care of myself, I'm sixteen now. Just go, I'll be alright..."

"You sure?"

He nodded in his bed, his head half-hidden under the covers to mask his still swollen eye. "Yes, I'm sure, now just go! Please..."

"Okay then, but make sure you stay in bed. I don't want you running around when you're sick."

'Right, like I could', I thought.

"Take care of yourself", she said before leaving out.

Finally, she's gone. I sighed in relief, staying on the same position I was yesterday before sleeping off again.

[...]

Two days of "getting better" had passed and now I had to face school again. My ribs still hurt, but I don't limb anymore. All scratches on my skin have healed, except for my paw. Fortunately, it's the left one so I can still write.

I noticed while passing in the corridors that some furs were already looking at me with a strange look. Figures. I wouldn't have expected something else after what happened. It didn't seem to have travelled to all the students yet because some guys I could clearly identify as homophobe treated me no differently.

It was still my most silent day of school as all my so-called-friends knew about it and kept their distances. I could see the pattern of students entering class: each time, they'd see me and try to sit away as far as possible. At least, I didn't run into any troubles. Of course, that was only the first day.

On the second one though, I was cornered outside at lunch by some of the jocks Tanashi frequented on his soccer team. I was scared, but I couldn't do a thing to escape, nothing. They were already all around me.

"Hey fag, how's it going?", one of them would say.

"Yeah, why are you in such a rush. You want to smooch with your boyfriend?"

"Ahahah, so disgusting! I think he want something bigger in his mouth than just a tongue!"

My arms were grabbed from behind, restraining me from moving around while I desperately tried to free myself. One of the jerks fetched out from his schoolbag a dildo, turning it on as he approached him with a smirk on his face.

"You can't", I exclaimed loudly. "I told everything to the director: If something happens to me this time around, you'll all be held responsible for any bruises you brutes will do to me, so I suggest you just put me down right now!"

"Oh, so now you want to scare us so we could let you go... Yeah, that won't happen", he said with his arrogant tone.

"I'm not trying to scare you off; I really did, and if you really want to beat me, than just go ahead and do what you think you have to do: you'll face the consequences afterward!"

"Oh, is that kind of you to give us permission. I'll take your words for it, but just so you know, we saw that one coming."

The husky lifted up his eyes at the wolf's face in front of him, incredulity flowing through his eyes. He was so confused... 'They're really gonna beat me even though they could end up in jail', he inquired to himself.

"That's right. You think we would have let you go yesterday if it wasn't that we weren't prepared for it..."

"Prepared for it... What are you talking about!"

"Well, we had to switch tactics when we saw you enter the principal's office yesterday..."

"Also", another one chopped in, "we already informed him of the 'little different' we had the other day."

"What different?"

"Oh, don't you remember, now? You threatened us with a pocket knife the first day you skipped school and said we were gonna pay for what we did."

"Poor foxy: he really believed we were behind the attack, didn't he", said a voice from behind.

"Thank god two of our friends spotted you with the weapon and snapped it from your paw before you could do anything rash... Right Rick, Steve?"

"Yeah! I heard he went home soon after to prepare his evil plan and even skipped the other one."

"It never even happened! Are you retarded, did you really think he would believe you?"

"Well, if you're not sure, just ask around. I'm sure some people could say otherwise; at least that's what they did to the director..."

"You liars! You won't get away with it! I promise!"

"And anyway, after what we did to poor Jimmy the past Friday, we expected you to do something like that. When your "friend" told us all about the way you tried to come on to him, and then pleaded for forgiveness, we thought you just had a backup plan before doing so!"

"Eh, pathetic", another bully spoke meanwhile.

"Thought you could outsmart us? Ha! Think again!" He continued.

So now 'he' even lied? I can't believe him!

"Hey, Tanashi", one of the jock called. "Arrived just in time! Wanna join in?"

He looked over to me, trapped between biceps, with his cold eyes.

"Not really", he replied. "I have something over dinner."

"Oh, come on! You're not disgusted it was your friend all along?"

"Of course I am, but he already got his beating from me, remember. You guys do what you have to do", he say as he walked off.

"Oh that's right", the guy behind me said. He took my paw to see the marks on it. I winced in pain as he pressed on it. "You mean that: oh, you're too kind, you could have done far better!"

"Ta...na...shi... How could... How can... HOW CAN YOU! HOW CAN YOU BE SO COLD?!" I shouted at his back with all my strength to make sure he heard me, but he only jumped in surprised before walking off again.

I looked in the shaking object with a disgusted look, but even my voice couldn't save me anymore. I pleaded for help, so someone else would hear me and reason with these guys. All it did really was bring more spectators to the "show" that was going on. No one dared interfere on what the jocks were about to do, and that was just pissing me off. 'How could they! What the fuck is going through their heads right now! Why are they so indifferent? Does everyone hate gays to the point of letting a brutal and unpunished crime like this go on?! I could never figure out how they could just stand there and watch...'

One of the jocks slowly approached me with the shiny gray object and with one paw, restraining my maw from closing, as he shove the engine down my throat, making me fight for air as he played inside my mouth. My tongue was trying to push against the sudden intrusion, only to be forced to submit to his will, motioning around it. My teeth were hardly knocked against the metallic object as I was fighting for it to come off. The vibration only made it worst as I felt all my mouth jumping out of place. The jock realized I was trying to resist his attempts to hurt me, and he grinned.

"Calm down, puppy", he said, "you only make it worst if you do that. You see, one of your teeth could suddenly fall off if you bite it, you know? It's as solid as rock! I'm sure we both don't want this to happen, do we?"

I took the opportunity to breathe some more while he stopped to talk, taking as much air as I could before he pushed it further down again. I couldn't do anything against it: I was trying to move my head away, only to find several paws prevent me from doing so, locking me in place. He had an evil smile on his face when he decided it was time to push it all the way down my throat. I was filled with so much that didn't belong there; my primal instincts took over me. I gagged out of control on the metallic dildo and started spilling liquids from my mouth. I was literally vomiting on the floor as he took it off my mouth, watching me spit out in pain all my stomach's content.

I had enough already, but it wasn't over yet. "You see, THIS is what it's like to suck a cock. Do you want to do it again?", he asked like he thought he could change who I was just like that. 'It's not a choice you idiot!', he responded to him in his head. "So, have you learned your lesson yet?"

I knew it was a bluff; it was the fun of jocks like him to make their victims plead for forgiveness, only to continue harassing them just for the heck of it. 'They felt like they had power, or something like that', I thought. I didn't regret one single thing I said to them at that time.

"I'll never regret who I am! I am proud to like guys, and I don't care what you fucks think of me! You can never change one's sexuality preferences over a beating like that! It's all in vain I tell you, you guys are wasting your efforts-"

"There, there", he said while putting me on a gag in my mouth and around my neck to cut me off. "We'll just have to continue then."

He took a swing of his arm before knocking the breath out of me, right in the stomach. I made the loudest sound I could make despite the device that muttered most of it. My eyes were running tears instead to express the pain I was feeling. He got a hold of me by the head fur, forcing my head to turn around as I could feel the pain of some hair coming off to the pulling.

"Last call! You can still change your mind", he whispered in my ear while stretching the elastic of the gag, releasing my muzzle for a brief time.

"F...Fuck you!" I said to him. His face got red in anger as he snapped my mouth shut, releasing his grip on it. My teeth were hardly knocked and I couldn't speak again.

"You're a fucking idiot, you know that! Now you did it!" He seemed to have lost his temper as he moved around out of control. "If you still want to be gay, I'll make sure you'll have no cubs then."

He pulled down my pants, then my underwear. I quickly realized what he was about to do and I started to panic inside. "Don't miss it this time", I heard from behind. He seemed to take his distances before rushing towards me.

He knocked my guts with a strong kick of his muscular soccer leg so hard my whole body jumped, still restrained by two jocks. Everything went black for a while. I made some incredibly strident sounds along with a heavy breathing. My whole body was shaking out of place, still disoriented. At some point they decided to let me go and I fell on the ground like I had no control over my muscles anymore. I was tense from everywhere. They took the gag out and walked away, laughing like idiots. I laid there and cried, bringing my paw softly on my balls to try to ease the pain. I could feel the blood pulsing in my veins, bringing each time another wave of suffering as the pressure was building inside, making it worse.

[...]

The day after, I was in the principal's office again. Somehow I didn't run into any of the bullies from yesterday and I was glad I didn't. Yesterday, I went to see the director right after the nurse's office to explain the situation, but as I feared, he took it only half seriously, insisting on the fact that I had no proof. He told me to come back the day after, which I did.

"Sit down, will you?" He pointed me the chair in front of his desk, waiting for me before telling me what he had to say. He was surfing through his paper, endlessly. I watched him do so, but I soon lost my patience.

"Will you send them in jail or not, tell me!"

He looked at me in surprise, but his voice was still low.

"I'm sorry", he muttered, "but we can't prove the guys you pointed me out yesterday had actually beaten you at lunch. We announced all day in the school interphone that if someone has to have evidence about it, testimony, any kind of useful info, to come to this office. No one did present themselves on their own. As for the group of friends you were talking about, they all responded truthfully and we verified their alibi with some other friends they were with on that day. No one acknowledged that they cornered you yesterday, or seen you for that matter."

"So you are just going to believe them!" I stood up in anger, almost in fury.

"I'm sorry. We could investigate further into it once we find someone who saw it and-"

"It will be too late! They'll only gonna continue and make more victims! How many times have they had complains of harassment like this one in the past! And what about all the victims here and now? How about what happened to Jimmy?! Surely, you can't ignore that, can you?"

"Sir, I'm asking you to calm down. Yes, there were some complains in the past, but it wasn't directed at them specifically. And as for the one you call Jimmy: he doesn't want to talk about what happened that day. Without is testimony from the victim, we can't do a thing-"

"That's not enough! There should be an investigation about it. People just don't end up hurt like he did: you should have seen him that day! It was horrible..."

I cried again, reminiscing his face from that day. My voice was out of control now and I could see it has affected the director. The tall wolf was looking at the ground and shook his head.

"There's always that other story where they saw you-"

"Can't you tell they lied? Don't you find it strange that the only people who could verify supposedly-incident were all from the soccer's team? How blind can you be!"

"Friends or not; testimony is still a large piece we need to actually tell it happened and open an investigation. Maybe if the other day, you'd have gone to the police when you claimed Tanashi beat you up. We could have taken measures... Why didn't you?"

"I...couldn't, damn it. How does it concern you? I...I don't want to see this happen ever again... Schools should have a stronger policy against violence! If this is how you guys handle things, then I'm...I'm getting the fuck outta here! I'm dropping school!"

"Mister, you don't know what you're saying. You don't seem to realize the consequences of giving up education now. I understand you want to forget everything, but it's not the good way to do it. You should just calm-"

"No! You should mind your own fucking business. I've had enough, and I can quit school if I want, I sixteen now. I don't want to hear your stupid speech on morals, you're not me! I hope my sacrifice will make you guys take abuse of violence more seriously in the future. Goodbye!"

I got up and left, clapping the door shut behind me. I've had enough, I really had. All these stories I've heard about beat ups like those ones never got resolved, and the bastards always get away with it. I just can't believe our criminal justice system. It sucks; so many crimes are left unresolved, and too many sinners are released free.

I went straight home, running away from every problem I was forced to face back then. I didn't look back; I don't remember having felt so relieved in my life. It was over; all that pressure, all the hiding, all the fears...gone. I left it all behind me when I took the decision to never come back again. Of course that feeling didn't last long; I was soon again drowned in a world of fear and uncertainty once I got home and heard my mother on the phone.

"What, my poor son got beat up at school! Why? What happened?"

"What, you said? He's going to quit school? Tell me what happened, please!"

"That's...impossible. He can't be... Did he really tell to you that?"

"Wait a sec, I'll call you back; I think he has arrived."

A was struck in the doorway, my ears perked up at the conversation and I heard her coming my way. I was trapped: she knew. Damn! I didn't expect it so soon...what do I do?

"Oh, so I see you've come back!" I jumped at her angry tone that always freaked me out. "You've made quite a commotion at school, as I heard."

"I've made a commotion? You got it all-"

"Shut up, I know everything. You just had to ask for trouble. How could you say something so senseless? You're not a freak, are you? So why have you lied about it? Was it about what happened to that guy a week ago or so..."

"First, this it not 'that guy'. He was my friend, Jimmy; we usually talked to each other."

"Don't worsen up your case. No people like him shall be you friend. I didn't approve."

"You really think this is all about you again! I don't fucking care if you liked him are not; I'm free to choose to hang out with whoever I want!"

"No you're not! I'm your mother. If I feel like someone could put you in danger, I won't hesitate to-"

"In danger!? Do you realize what you're even saying? It doesn't make any sense."

"Yes it does. He could... he could have jumped my poor baby and make him do evil things..."

"For your information, mom, gays aren't people always craving for sex. He never touched me, or made a move on me."

"Shut it", she said. "I don't what to think about it."

"Well you should; maybe it would be a chance for you to know me better! You know what? If he would have, then I might have considered it", I admitted. She said nothing, in shock, waiting for me to explain myself. It was it; the moment I've feared for so long, and yet... It felt so good to say it. Of course, mostly it was because I felt released, but a darker part of me admitted I enjoyed seeing her terrified like that; like she just realized she didn't really had control over me. I must have been pushed by my anger, but even now, when I thought back about it, I've cherished that scene. A wanted to hurt her; I wanted payback, and I admitted it right before I acted. "It wasn't a lie mom, I'm...what you'd call a faggot. I'm gay, and there's nothing you can do to change it!"

She slapped me in the face to shut me up. I looked at her, now on the ground, as if I was looking at a monster that was no longer my mom. She didn't like the idea at all. And there was just no fucking way I was staying here anymore...

"And you're lucky your father isn't here. Just wait 'till HE gets home."

I snapped out of it and went mad. "No I'm not, I've been beaten up enough at school and there's no way I'll stay!"

I ran as fast as I could in my room, locking the door behind me. There were hard knocks on the wood, almost making my walls jump altogether. I took all the packed things I've already prepared in advance and searched through my room for anything left to bring with me. I grabbed my cell phone and thought about bringing the charger. I was running away with the strict minimum with me, thinking I'd have to carry it all on my back. Everything else I left was only childhood memories that I would now lost forever, I thought with sadness.

It couldn't be helped; I had to go now, if I stay I would...I would be... I didn't know what would happen to me and that's what scared me the most. I tried to build up the courage inside me before unlocking the door. My mother was staring at me in confusion, seeing I carried out a transport bag on my shoulder.

"Where do you think you're going?"

"I'm leaving mom. I'm tired of your behaviour and I'm tired of being controlled. I'm gonna live my own life from now on."

"Don't be ridiculous... Where will you go? You think I'll let you go like that!"

"Ah! Like I'd tell you, and yes, I'm going, with or without your permission."

I pushed her off of my way and I walked at the front door. My mind was set, and nothing she could tell me now would change it. She struck me once and the only time of my life in my time of needs -the beating I would usually get it from my father- and she isn't going to land a finger on me ever again. My mother isn't the kind of person who could change overtime. She really thinks gays were evil and by staying, I would only be sermon all the time, punished, and controlled again. My coming out at school sure did influence me into leaving -nothing good came from it- but also, it was an attempt to take control over my life, to live it as I intended to.

As much as I was scared of doing it, there was always a stronger voice that convinced me things were better on the other side, once I've crossed my fears. I've waited for it for practically all my teenage years, so it was normal to find myself a bit emotional right now. 'I can't back down now', I said to myself.

My mother grabbed my arm as I was walking away and started to pull me backward. "I'll make sure you won't go anywhere!" she said to me as she lifted up his arm in the air. Somehow I managed to get free as I turned around and I avoided her attack. I reached for my pocket and grabbed something. I lifted up the cap of my pocket knife and made sure she saw it.

"You'll fucking watch me go because, I swear, if your try to do anything, anything at all to hurt me again, I won't hesitate to defend myself! And...and if I have to use this knife, I will!"

Tears were falling off my eyes now. Of course, I was probably overwhelmed by my emotions at this time, but I felt like I needed to protect myself; that I would have been in real danger if I didn't. I've never seen my mother act this out of rage -for a matter of fact, me neither- and this time I just couldn't stay and be punished. Because I knew it was unfair; because I knew she'll stay that way; because I knew who I was.

I thought I really knew who I was the day I accepted the fact that I was gay: but it wasn't it. To be someone, you have to be true to yourself, but also to others. Now, they'll see the true me; the person I was before was someone who looked just like me, who lived just like I was, but didn't assume anything he believed in.

"What? You never were a violent person? You're bluffing!"

"Oh yeah, just try me!"

"Just...calm down and give me the knife, it's dangerous." Her voice was calmer somehow; I didn't know how she managed it but she sure was a good actress. She slowly walked my way, paws hanging in the air, ready to react to any movement I would make.

"Don't ever come near me!", I said. I swung the knife around to make myself more convincing. I was gone to the point where I got hysterical. "Don't...ever...Ever...EVER!"

I opened up the door and I ran as fast as I could, fearing she'd catch up to me somehow and would drag me inside. I felt like I was lighter somehow. I didn't feel like this for a long time. I kept on running still, assuming the decision I've made. I think I'd never forget this moment, yet I don't remember the temperature outside; the house I've passed by; the passersby I've crossed. I only remembered the feeling I had. 'I did it!', I told myself over and over again.

Boy, was I tired when I arrived to the bus station, with all this running around and emotions. But the night was only beginning. My head stood in my paws, waiting on the cold metallic bench. I calmed down a little and I was able to breathe normally again and I knew eyes were locked on me. I ignored the other furs that were waiting for their rides; I couldn't pretend I was okay...anymore. I promised myself that I would change; that I will stop swallowing what the world threw at me, burying my feeling further still, to finally stand up for myself and turn my life around.

Well, the first part was already done. I dropped school and I had no home anymore. If you look at it this way, I'm sure most people will conclude it was a bad deal after all, as they would only point out what I'd lost. But I in fact gained something in return: freedom; no, more like liberation. I didn't have this pressure on my shoulder; this fear in my mind; the constant repression of my soul. I finally had the chance to make it a new start, to be completely somebody else, someone I intended to be. Well, I wasn't done feeling nostalgic yet. I had to make a last visit; it was part of my plan after all. Also, I really needed to know something.

The bus finally pulled over, letting the frozen furs enter, including myself. The silence was predominant, except for the sound of the engine; some scene you'd see in a movie to emphasize on the lost mind of the poor guy who had to suddenly live on his own. You'd find him crying oceans of tears right about now, or at least regretting all of what happened to him with a sudden burst of anger. But I didn't felt like being angry, and I surely wasn't about to cry. I felt relieved, happy even. The scene felt unreal for a second because I always wished for it, and now it was reality. I began to laugh out loud in front of all the sitting person; really, I couldn't help it. I pinched myself to make sure I was awake; you never know, with all of what happened to me, it felt to me like I was too happy after the nightmare of the past few days.

It was when the driver made a rough turn that I realize my ribs still hurt; it sure didn't help to sprint out of 'home' like that and run for like two miles. There was no need worrying about it now; I acted like a fool and tried to make others accept me. I had to admit now that it was pretty stupid, but I was filled with nostalgic thoughts then, trying to make it works like it once did. All the fucking memories, they are only there to dwell on it! Anyway, I'll give my past away the moment I'll step on that bus again.

My stop came up and I walked back in the cold again. In front on me stood the gigantic building that created a glowing strong light, seen from outside, or seen from my eyes at that moment, I guess. Water began to rise and blur my vision. The simple memory printed in my head that day surfaced again, making me instantly cry against my will, despite the effort to keep myself together. Really, if I was in this state now, how could HE have endured it all without breaking a single tear? I knew it was an act, but he was stubborn; more stubborn that I ever was not so long ago.

"Yes, excuse me", I said wiping my face with one paw, "could you tell me where's the room of Jimmy Macford, please?" She raised her eyebrow at me, so I added "I forgot; sorry", brushing the back of my head.

Of course, I knew where it was; it wasn't my first time coming here. It was a trick to know if anyone else visited him or tried to because all the requests for a room number were written in a registry, with the date and time. Jimmy asked specifically to write down all the names of his aggressors for the receptionist and to turn them away if they asked where he was: It was very unlikely to happen, but I'm sure it made perfect sense to him. He was really traumatized from all this and it wasn't getting better, I could tell.

"Elliot?", she asked because she recognized me from last time; and the last; and the last; and so on.

"Yes", I said to her as I watched her write my name on the notebook and I peeked out to see if there were more. Nope. Only 'Elliot', written over and over again.

[...]

I came to see him every day after school when my mother thought I was late coming back because of the swimming I used to do on school grounds. I stopped going the day he got beaten up; I couldn't help but feel responsible for it. I left him alone, even if I got just the slightest hint of the jocks' intention I heard muttering in class that same day about him; all for that stupid swimming.

Some fucking rumours started spreading a month ago, about him being a 'faggot'. Not that anyone had any proof, or even heard him claim it for that matter. God, I didn't even know if that was even true; every time I asked him how it started, or how could someone think that or misinterpret something, accusing nothing, but he would only tell me he didn't know and started being all angry at me.

Every day, he had to pull up with the sudden change of attitude of the people around him. He always acted like he didn't care, but I know now that he really did. I haven't even heard of that rumour before two weeks ago, when I asked around as I had noticed people were acting strange. He never gave me any details; he never asked for my help; he never bothered being truthful about anything. And I didn't help him. How could I have, anyway?

Once I've returned from my swimming session, two Fridays ago, I found him lying on the ground in the hallway. It took me some time to realize it was him because there was blood all over his face and his shredded clothes. I recognized him by his long shape at first, but didn't want to believe it. He was breathing hard, only half conscious. I felt cold shivers all over my body, my stomach being filled with butterflies and a cold sensation making his way through my body, starting at my spine. It's like I was stabbed in the heart and I breathed harder to keep myself from panicking too much. I let the stress out through my throat, screaming in anger and terror as it was obvious someone had to be responsible.

He must have heard me, even in his physical condition, because he sought for my eyes. I heard him wince in pain when he opened his eyes, slowly rotating his head over his shoulder, back turned at me. God, I didn't know if he struggled to open his eyes because of the spill blood on his eyelid or the fact that he's been badly hurt there. I moved around to face him and the sight of his wounds struck me; I got a pretty good idea of how bad he was hurt, and in no time I called with my cell for an ambulance.

"Please hurry, my friend got hurt badly at Stephen High. This looks really severe."

"Calm down, tell me what happened."

"I don't know, damn it! I just found him there. I think he got beat up..." I looked at him to confirm he was still awake. "He's conscious, but he's losing too much blood. God, the floor's all red!"

"We'll send you help. Where to exactly?"

"Hallway B, near the gym. There's a door that leads right we are. I can see the entrance from here. Just help him..."

"We will. It should take several minutes. I suggest you apply some pressure on the wound with a towel or some clothes if you want to give have a better chance."

"Right", I said, my voice still shaky.

I kneeled down to him, trying to figure out what to do. I tried to move him on his back, but the growl of pain he gave me convinced me otherwise. I really didn't want to hurt him more, or make it worse, but I had to work fast. 'Apply pressure on the wound...' Right, which one? He got many bruises, mostly on his arms and legs. There was blood coming out of his maw and maybe his eyes; I didn't know. He got traces of claws on his shoulders; they were probably trying to hold him still and got carried away. What I didn't understand was the large cut on his belly, hidden under his paw. His foxy white-now-covered-in-red stomach was still bleeding, his paw resting there to reduce the spilling. I couldn't help but wonder how much time he's been lying there, emptying himself on the floor because there was so much. I couldn't figure out how he didn't pass out yet.

'Every seconds counts', I said to myself. I took out the towel I wiped myself with in the locker room from my bag and moved his paw to apply it there. He winced again and shivered a little. It was still wet, I figured, but it probably was for the better. The cold would reduce the blood flowing in his veins. I successfully rounded him with it without hurting him and I attached tightly both ends together so it would hold still until the ambulance arrives.

"Got it. I patched him on his belly and I'm holding one paw on it. What else?", I asked on the phone, with my weak and shaky voice.

"Okay. Now try to move him on his back to reduce the pressure on his cardiovascular system. Try to move him to a comfortable position, and tell him to stop tensing his muscles: it only makes it worst."

"I...I can't move him. Already tried; I think he has something broken!"

My fears eased a little when my ears caught sounds of sirens coming fast towards us. His eyes were still on me, and he tried to speak, but he coughed blood instead. "Don't try to talk, okay? It's not important right now. Everything will be fine. The first-aid workers are coming for you. You hear me? We'll take you to a hospital. Just stay awake until then; can you do this for me, Jimmy?"

I shook him a little to catch his attention. He seemed to understand what I was saying and did everything I asked. I embraced his upper body to try and comfort him, or more like myself for that matter, lightly and carefully, paws laying behind him. Soon after, I heard running in the hallway. People in white were coming for him. I backed out, letting them take care of my friend. They tried to see how he was. I heard things like "low pulse", "still conscious", "artery severed", and others as well. I don't remember much now.

They lifted him up on stretcher and in the back door of the ambulance. I couldn't even ride with them to see if he was okay because I was stopped by two policemen, asking me to follow them in the car.

"What!? No way, I want to see if he's alright!"

"You can't. Only family or close relationships are allowed to do that. Now you'll come with us and tell us what happened here." He didn't seem to have any emotion at that moment. The tiger was six and a half foot long, all dressed in blue and black. I noticed how large his biceps were, convincing me otherwise. Along with him was a badger, less impressive, but still larger than me.

I growled in frustration as I resigned myself to follow them. Before getting in, I glanced again at the ambulance and sighed. The car did start, so I guess it was a good sign. There was still hope for him, but damn I was scared at that moment. I endlessly thought about all the scenarios possible for him to die, from simple lack of blood in the operation room to a car crash before they could get to the hospital, all the time I was restrained in the back seat of the police car like a prisoner.

God, they at least let me use the bathroom when I arrived to clean myself up. I don't know how long I've stared at my red paws, remembering me all too well it wasn't a dream or something I've imagined happening. I washed it clean out of my fur, the water rotating in the drain, but I couldn't get rid of the memories of him lying half-dead on the red floor. I never will...

They locked themselves up with me in a dark room -surely for the purpose of interrogation- and asked me to tell them everything. I did what I was told, trying to put every details I could remember in my story. They let me talk, but the questions came soon after. It went on and on for like two hours; they explained to me it wasn't the first time they were called for something like this but got really frustrated because they concluded it was a joke.

Damn, they even suspected me at first because it was 'strange' I was the one any only one to have found him at such a deserted time. Stupid cops; they only do the investigation to reassure the population, regardless of the way they treat seriously or not their jobs. Protecting society is a job too, and in like any job, everyone does it all for the money.

[...]

After that day, I went to see him every time I could. Seems like he made it. His life was no longer in danger. He had to have a blood transfusion and take lots of rest. He had a twisted ankle and a broken finger. They found afterward that two of his teeth were missing, one of 'em being swallowed up in his stomach. His big scratch on his belly has been patched; doctor says he'll have a scar. As for his eye, it was recovering faster than expected.

Each time I think about it again...it was horrible, I can't describe how I felt. Felt like empathy mixed with guilt and anger. But I let nothing like that through when I visit him though. I was patient, wanting somehow to gain his trust, but it never came. He never told me what happened, neither to the police. He just confirmed I wasn't involved in the attack. Nothing more; not that I was his friend, not that I supported him, not that I saved his life...

It has broken my heart to see him beaten up like that, but what hurt the most was that he pretended it was okay and just accepted it. I thought no one was capable of such thing. That's why I was sure he was hiding something. Now I feel like I am abandoning him all over again, but it isn't after at least attempting something.

I found the room and was glad he was still up. He was looking out the window instead of entertaining himself in front of his room television. How I would kill to know what he's been thinking these past few weeks. I knocked on the door and he greeted me with an empty look as I made my way to his bed, taking a seat besides it. He just looked at me and said nothing. I couldn't read his mind; I didn't even know if he was glad I came or just annoyed. I tried my best to convince me it was the first one. He looked better physically, but not in the heart. How many times have I seen this face without knowing what it was hiding?

"I'm sorry", I said after a moment.

He looked at me with a confused look. He took a long moment of silence before asking "for what?"

"I couldn't...I couldn't avenge you. The jocks are still free, and you're still here in this hospital, spending time hating every one of them."

"Wait...What are you talking about? What did you do... Don't tell me-"

"I tried to lock them up in jail where they belonged. I spread the rumour that I was gay throughout school so they'll come after me. I told everything to the director beforehand so if something happens to me, they'll know where to search first."

"What!? Are you out of your mind?! What did you do that for? There will always be after you now..."

"I see... Is that what they told you? Is that why you refuse to cooperate with the police?"

He stayed silent, trying to calm himself down and take his not-caring composure he had since the incident. I could see though that I was slowly gaining on him.

"I didn't and I still don't care when I decided to do it. It didn't work out as I planned thought; they couldn't find any traces on me that suggested I was bullied. No one bothered opening his mouth, even if it was on school dinner and lots of them has been a witness of the scene. In the end, the director just told me he couldn't do anything-"

"Why? Why did you say something like that? I never asked you to; I never even said it bothered me. How could you act so impulsively? You're a fool!"

"Yes you did! Every time you glanced at nothing, like you were just a few moments ago, every time you discreetly fold your fingers into your paws, every time you blink too much to keep you from breaking in tears. You're angry at them, no matter how hard you try to hide it. And I don't care if you asked me or not; I'm not like you and I'm far from approving how you dealt with it."

"You're wrong... You're... You could have ended up dead, you know that?"

"I WAS dead since the beginning of high school. I just realized I wanted to start living now. That's right, it was true. I did it partly 'cause of you, because you showed me how wrong I was. I felt so much hate buried in me for what they did to you and I realized it applied to me too. I just didn't see it until the incident. I knew I didn't want to live like this; that I hated everything around me. I thought the world was wrong and that I had no choice, but now I realized I was scared, scared of even trying to change it for the better. Here I was, I continued to walk among the livings, alongside the 'happy' people, waiting to be saved. So fragile I am: fuck that. I'm gay, and unlike you, and I'm not scared to shout it to the world anymore. At least not to my friend!"

I took a guess at calling him gay, but I felt I had to provoke him a little so he would spill out something. I couldn't leave without at least knowing that...

"So... you are... Why do you even want people to know then, if it's true? You'll ruin your life. You'll lose everything."

So he didn't deny it, I noticed.

"I've had it with enduring pain over and over again in hope that someday it will be okay. I've decided to stop seeing my life as a whole picture and looking at all the things I thought were wrong in this present time. I won't live in the future anymore; I want it now!" I started to cry, overwhelmed by throwing out my heart that has been hidden for what seemed like forever out to someone. "I want all the joy I could have right now; I want to be myself. So much time I've lost because I was powerless... I can still run away!"

"Run away? What are you talking about? Just how could run away from those beasts; I thought I could too but look what happened!"

"Jimmy, I'm out at school and now my parents know too... I'm...I'm getting the fuck outta here. I'm running away, far away...to the city."

He searched for my eyes only to find me dead serious. 'That's right', I thought, 'it's not a dream anymore. It's become a reality: my reality, and maybe yours too...'

"You don't know what you're doing! What will you do for school, and where will you go?"

"School doesn't matter for now; I'm not going anymore. I could probably afford it once I make some money. You can't do a thing to change my mind; I'm all set now." He looked at the bag I was carrying and understood what I was talking about. "I have an uncle who lives in the city; it's pretty convenient he had a different with my parents for years. He told me one day that if I ever needed a job and a place to stay, I could be his guest. You're the last person I came to see before going on my way, so... I have a proposition for you: will you come with me?"

I could see he was crying from the one eye that wasn't patched. He didn't know what to answer, but he knew he had to say something.

"I can't-"

"Yes you can! I discussed with your doctor yesterday. She said she could keep you a few more days to make sure you'd be alright, but she said it was okay for you to go now if you wanted. And you said no. Why is that?"

He answered by lowering his head, looking at his bed.

"They haven't come, have they?" He raised it back all the way, facing the accusing expression on my face. He looked scared, but hurt too. I could see his eyes were round like balls of golf. "Every day! Every fucking day I was there, and I never saw them anywhere. Not even one single get-better card or flowers: nothing!"

"They came when-", he muttered.

"A lie! Again! I've checked the registry of the people visiting you. There was only my name in that notebook."

He got silent again, but I could see he was thinking. Suddenly, his angry face came back.

"Why are you doing this? I bet you have fun checking every detail I let through to verify it all and call me a liar afterward. Stay out of it. It's my life!"

"Fun? No, I had to do it all because you'd chicken out and hide everything from me! Since I've heard the rumours, I've been worrying sick about you! I want to help you, but all you do is push me away, always. You think it was fun seeing people I've never seen laugh at you for a reason I didn't know? You think it was fun finding you on the floor bleeding out almost to death, so I could say after 'hey, I just saved a life'? You think it was fun making a fool out of myself in front of the officers, trying to make you confirm my side of the story? I'm not going to let someone crawl in the dark, like I used to..."

"I...my parents...my life is here. All the things I know from the day I was born, they're all... I can't follow you, I'll lose everything!"

Damn, he was stubborn!

"And what haven't you lost until now. Your friends? I recall none visited you except me. Your parents? They didn't even come either after what the police told them..."

I hesitated a moment. I was being really mean right now, but it wasn't because I enjoyed it. I wanted him to finally see what I had to conclude by myself. I have learned it the hard way: by being beaten up by my best friend. By slowly realizing everything around me was falling apart. I had to shake him up and put some sense into him. Sorry Jimmy...

"Your pride? Did you keep your pride? I'm sure you've shown these guys how well you could play dead under their threats. Your memories, maybe? Do you really want to keep them all? Don't you want a new start, a new life? We'll be there for each other, facing everyone else together, side by side. So, what's your answer?"

He was sobbing in his paws for a moment, ears folded down, sitting on his bed with his legs hanging in mid-air intertwined together. I've never seen him cry in front of me and seeing him broken apart like that... It just broke my heart as well.

"I'm...s...so...sorry, Elliot. I...can't. I'm not strong like you are. I can't just leave like that... I'm scared..."

I bit my lips in anger, seeing I really had no one now. No one to rely on; no one to protect; no one to share moments with, the better or the worse. I've modeled my face as cold as it would get, hardening my feelings for little while longer.

"Okay then, it's your choice. Before I go I'll ask you one more thing and I expect you to come to your senses and do it: tell the truth to the police. If not for you, then for me, and if not for me, then for all the other kids at school who feel pressured and have to repress it all inside. You know how much it hurts, don't you? I'm counting on you, Jimmy... My last friend..."

"Don't! Don't go! Why can't you stay? Why! You can't leave like this; I'm worried for you too you know! Come back, I say... I'm...I'm sorry, okay? I... We'll make it, you'll see..."

I ignored him and walked away. I couldn't face the pained expression on his face anymore without shedding a tear. If I stayed any longer, it could have been dangerous. Dangerous for me to reconsidered and let myself be trapped in those illusions again, those thoughts that would never be real, even if I wished for it to come true all my life.

I knew he wouldn't follow me now though. He got too used to repress things, to pretend he was alright. I was wrong to think I could convince him just like that; I'm sure it was pretty hard for him to didn't even hear a single news from his parents all the time he spent in that hospital, mostly alone, to wonder over and over again what did it mean and what he'd do to face it. I thought that would be enough to make him see my side, but it wasn't. Have I done it all for nothing? Maybe; I didn't know. I still hoped he'd take my advice and open himself up. He deserves it, probably more than I do.

The bus stopped in front of me again and I stepped in instantly. I didn't hesitate, I wanted to go. I could see him from the window of his room inside the building, watching me. I didn't even smile at him; not a single gesture of goodbye, like in an appropriate farewell. I just...stepped in.

I thought about Jimmy again, no matter how I didn't want to. He'll soon be part of my past that I promised myself to forget. Now I'll be happy; or unhappy, for that matter. It would be pretentious of me to tell without knowing what lay ahead of me would bring me joy. Whatever I was facing, at least I could say I chose it, and not being the victim of the world anymore.

After a while, I could see lights everywhere around me, I noticed, and soon my ride came to an end. The panther who was driving called the last stop, and I got all my things on my back before stepping out. I took one last breath up those stairs before getting out with a smile. Each shinny spot of the populated area I was lightened with was for me a new hope to finally be happy and proud of what I'll do in life...

END OF PART 1