A Road Less Traveled: Remissions of Guilt
#10 of The Love they Shared
Hey guys, Its been awhile, but I have been working on some all new material to upload. This chapter is the introduction of a story called A Road less Traveled. It is part of The Love They Shared, and shares the same plot line. It runs parallel to Frank and Aaron's story, but it follows CJ and his new life that he wishes to start. I will be writing both at the same time, following Frank and Aaron's story along with CJ's. There will be a few chapters of this along with more chapters of TLTS. They will alternate according to the story line. This was planned from the beginning, everything was. How will it work out in the end? You'll see soon enough...
-MI
A Road Less Traveled: Remissions Of Guilt
This was not at all where I imagined I would be in my life right now. Muzzle laying against a cool piece of glass on a bumpy train car, looking out the window heading for the airport. Not exactly how I wanted to spend my graduation night. The long train ride to the airport is giving me time to reflect on what happened, to think back to where I went wrong. I let out a stifled sign, my breath creating a small, instantaneous patch of fog on the window. It disappeared with the cool summer night's air. I sit there wiggling my fingers together with my ipod in my ears. The peaceful melody of Turn My Head by Live fills my head, allowing me relax a into a day dream.
What am I doing? What have I truly done? I mean, right now I'm fleeing the state, my parents, my friends... Damn I really wish I still had some of those. The only really person I cared for was my sister... and now... she's gone too. Tears began to well up in my eyes as the image of her face as I left began to flood my memory.
June 1st, 2012
"Jessie please..." I was desperate.
The much shorter German Shepard had a worried frown on her face. I had pleading eyes myself, trying to express to her how important this favor was to me. She let an uneasy sigh.
"Are you saying that you want me to help you steal from our parent's savings and leave?! Just run away to another state?! How can you ask me to do that? Why would you want to do that?" She quickly bit her bottom lip as she muttered that last sentence. She knew what I had been going though and she knew I had plenty of reasons to leave. I had to remind her of just a few.
"Did you forget that mom and dad hate me?! That most of my school hates me?! That I hate myself?!" I was trying hard not to raise my voice. Lately I have been slipping in and out of depression. Most would not feel any pity for me after what I've done, I know I don't, but it's become impossible to move past it. It's like a boulder pressing on my chest. Crushing me painfully.
"CJ Im sorry I didn't..." I stopped her.
"No...I'm sorry, it's just what I did...I hurt a lot of people around here...I betrayed their trust. I betrayed them, hurt them. I have to leave. I NEED to leave." She placed a paw on my shoulder.
"Do you HAVE to leave?"
I thought hard for a minute on her words. Did I need to leave? Well, my life went downhill since the day I put those damn pictures on the internet. When I found out how much I hurt Frank I...I removed the internet post, but the damage was done. I cried myself to sleep a few nights because I was only driving my life away from the direction I wanted to take it. I fucked up in anger, but it was major. After he confronted me and I got my ass kicked at Jeff's, I barely escaped the cops. I crawled down the basement and snuck out the window, leaping fences to get home undetected. The problem was word travels fast and before I knew it, my parents knew about everything. They knew I was at the party that got raided...and they knew I was gay. That was a death sentence. My mom practically abandoned me as her son and my dad, well...he hits hard for someone at his age. My sister was and has been my one true friend for a long time. I would text her and call her crying my eyes out about what I did, and how regret was killing me. She was always there for me, she told me what I did was wrong, but she also knew the genuineness of my grief. I had no friends left; they would all rather see me getting beaten then talk to me. After all, half of them got Under Age Drinking charges because of the fight between Frank and me, not to mention that I caused the whole internet fight that broke up a lot of people's friendships. My parents are disgusted with me, not even speaking to me anymore. They will probably throw me out as soon as I'm 18. I don't want to leave here to but...I don't think I can live here anymore. The majority of people I have tried to talk to around here have answered me by punching me in the face or swearing at me. Did I really have to leave?
"I...I really do..." I swallowed hard. I could see the look in her eyes; it was something I hated seeing in her large hazel eyes. Sorrow.
I watched as her eyes began to fill up slightly, as she tried to keep her composure.
"Jessie? Are you ok?" She gave me that mournful look before pulling me into a tight hug.
I understood her reason she was getting upset now. My 21 year old twin sister was going to miss me. I tensed up slightly.
"CJ...I'll do it... after your graduation I'll take you to the train station like you asked. Don't worry about the signatures for the money, just leave that to me, I have my ways. Just make sure you know where you're going and that you have a place to go to." I began to tear up a bit.
"Jessie...If you ever need someone to talk to...I know how Mom and Dad are and I just don't want you to feel alone. They will probably cancel my phone plan but I'll get a new one and I promise I'll send you the number first. I won't forget about you."
By now we were both crying softly and hugging it out. We held each other close, for a few minutes before I broke off the hug. She sniffled and gave her eyes a quick swipe.
"Ok baby brother... just get through this last week and... your free." She stood up and left my room. As I lay in bed, Something in the Way by Nirvana came on the radio with Kurt's low gravely voice filling my ears. I began to give a chuckle through the tears that streamed down my face wetting my fur. There WAS always something in the way, keeping you back. This time, it was two things, my sister's love and five more days...
June 6th 2012 Graduation Day
I remember that morning...the morning my parents decided to "go out" and "miss" my graduation. The day I left everything behind. The day I finally laid my troubled past to rest and prepared to begin again.
*Thump Thump*
I spun around from my mirror and stared at my door. The knob turned and clicked open as my sister stepped in. She gave me a glance over followed by a chuckle.
"You have the collar all crooked here... that should do it." I scoffed as she fixed my gown collar. I don't even give a shit about how I look today. I just want to get my diploma and leave. I need that diploma so I can get into this college and that's the only reason I'm going.
"Thanks Jess...is everything set?" I saw her eyes shift to the floor and her smile go flat. She had such a beautiful smile that illuminated her long wave brown hair with a glow.
"Yeah, everything is all set. As soon as you're done walking, we can head straight for the bank." She gave the two suit cases on the bed a glance with a raised eyebrow.
"Is that all your bringing?"
"Yeah, just them and my key board. Other than that, I don't need anything else from here." She let out an almost un-auditable sigh and nodded.
"Ok, well while Mom and Dad are out being assholes, I'll pack the car and take you to the school. The train will leave at 9:00pm. Do you have your plane and train tickets?"
I gave her silent nod.
"Ok...well, you look very handsome CJ. I think we should start heading over to the school before traffic gets bad." I nod again in agreement, grabbing my large suit cases and my key board case. As I begin to exit, I stop and take and look at my room. This is going to be my last time in here huh? All those childhood memories were formed here in this place. I gently pat the walls next to the light switch and mutter my last thoughts to my once favorite place in the world.
"I'm sorry..."
8: 35pm at Graduation
Ever since the fight between me and Frank on New Years Eve, most of the school hates my presence. The only people who didn't hate me were those who didn't know, or didn't like gays. That left me with no friends at all, so walking into the large musty smelling auditorium and getting in line with those people only made me feel more uncomfortable than normal.
Ok let's make this quick...
As soon as my name was called I was ready to go. I just went straight up to the stage grabbed the folded booklet diploma and got off. I think I got a few dirty looks from people, but I decided to cut this whole event short. I looked at the wall clock,
"8:45 shit." I muttered under my breath. I made a quick left and bolted out the side exit of the school. My sister must have seen me because she was not too far behind me by the time I went around and reached her car.
"Most of the school spun heads when you bolted like that out the emergency exit." She huffed out between breaths.
"We could have waited a minute, the train is leaving soon, but we still have time. Is there something wrong?"
She read the look on my face.
"Can you swing me by Frank's house I...I have something to drop off." I felt me ears press against me head. She just stared at me for a minute giving me a look over. I'm not sure what she was looking at, but she just broke off the gaze and nodded.
"Ok, but we have to be quick." I gave her a warm smile, the best I could.
"Thanks Jessie." I pulled out a small envelope out of the glove compartment of the car and climbed in.
8:55pm The local train Station
"So CJ do you have everything you need?" I gave her a simple nod, but then stopped my self.
"Wait! What about the money?!" My heart began to race. Did she get the money? Does she have it with her?
She let out a small chuckle and ruffled my hair with her paw.
"Don't worry little bro, I got it right here."
She pulled a small silver card out of her bag and gave it to me. It was a credit card...or maybe a debit card.
"What is it?" I was clearly confused. She just chuckled.
"You honestly didn't think that they would give me a couple thousand dollars in cash did you? I had the money transferred into a new checking account. From there I had the money transferred into an account in Arizona with one of their banks. One you get there, just move it to a different bank again to be safe. Mom and Dad won't know where you went and they won't be able to access the money because it was legally transferred, not stolen." She winked at that last part.
I was pretty damn impressed with my sister at the moment. She just helped me rob our own parents, and she got me all set up to help pay for college in Arizona.
"Wow Jess...this is amazing. How much did you get, did you get the amount I needed?"
She laughed again and responded with one word.
"Plenty."
The whistle of the metal SEPTA train in the distance was the grim reminder that it was getting time for me to depart. Both our ears perked up at the sound and both drooped to the sides of our heads almost simultaneously.
"I...I guess its time for me to go..." I looked up to see tears forming in her eyes. I couldn't help but cry in return.
My sister had always been there for me. Sure we had our fights, but we were always close. Were a family. She knows how my parents are, and...she was the only and first person I told that I was gay. She is more than my sister, she is my best friend. We embraced.
"I'm going to miss you so much baby bro..." She was well composed, compared to me.
"Y-yeah, me too." I sniffled.
"I promise, I will call and write to you. I will keep in contact and maybe...maybe you can visit or maybe I can."
The train had now pulled into the dusty old station. For an outside station, it was rarely used. Only people going towards the airport...and out of town used it. It was a lonesome road...and road traveled by few.
"Yeah...maybe."
The train door shot open with a loud hiss, created by the pistons in the doors.
"Come on; let's get your stuff aboard..."
The last images of my sister still burn in my head, like a candid photo. She just stood there with tears in her eyes. I could tell she was reflecting on all the good times we had together. All the fun we shared. I think...I think you she knew this day was coming. The day I was finally grown up. She mouthed two words to me, and I put her voice to the pantomiming.
"Take care."
Full circle. We are now back to the present of my story. I wrote this out on a piece of paper to kill time waiting at the airport. I don't know where my life is going to take me, but I hope it's to a better life. I wish I could bring my sister, my belongings, and a friend. I left that all behind now. I'm sitting here listening to The Scientist by Coldplay, bawling my eyes out in public like a child. And I couldn't care less. I wrote this as a remission of guilt. To remind myself just how far I had to fall, and how I'm going to put the pieces back together. My life has been a broken road, caused by my own self destructive ways. I feel ashamed for what I've done. And...for who I hurt. I will always...always love Frank, but I need to just...let go. My flights here. I'm taking the little things I packed and I'm going to Arizona. It's time to let go...and begin again.
I put my finished letter in my back and scramble up my carry on luggage. I give the ticket attendant my ticket and never look back as I board the plane to my new home.