Friendship (Jo)
#8 of Alternatives
What am I supposed to do when my best friend just came out to me? There weren't any hints, signs or anything. What preparation can I possibly have? But is this really his fault?
Why can't I be totally cool about it?
I've heard stories of people coming out to their parents from some research on gay rights and other gossips. I heard that it can be tough. And sometimes the response they get is really bad. You know, violence and disowning that kind of stuff. At that time when I first heard of the stories, I was so appalled by the reactions of the parents and swore to myself that I'll never do such actions, whether to my friend or my pups. I felt that it was pretty extreme for the parents to be like that. In any case, one shouldn't leave others when others are in need, and is even more so for people who are close to you.
But when it actually happens, like what my best friend did now, coming out to me...
I realise that I actually did not know how to cope with it at all. Yes, I won't be that extreme to bash him up or something, I'm not a hater for this, but I can't say that I'm totally ok with it. Something about his coming out is bugging me. There are so many things that I can't understand.
For one, what is being gay like? I always thought they were those odd people that go around all girly and I don't know, be a drag or something? But Typh here isn't swishy or giggly like that pizza girl yesterday? Neither did he walk with his tail held high, nor attempt to put make up like eyeliners. And I'm pretty sure he is not wearing a bra now. How can this possibly be? Him, gay? I mean like, okay, he has always been single like me, never talk much about boobies and stuff, I always classify him as uninterested in any form of relationship as I do for myself, but seriously, gay?
I can't help but sprout out, "What?"
"What?"
"You, you're..."
He let out a sigh before replying, "Yes, I'm gay; please don't make me say it again."
"But... I... I can't believe..."
I really can't believe it, but this doesn't seem like a joke at all. I can never guess that he is actually gay. What the hell is happening man, seriously? But before I can explain myself further, he snaps in.
"Jo, please understand, it's not easy for me either. I'm still the same Typh you've known so far."
I know, right? But that is the problem isn't it. You're the same and you've always been gay, is that what you mean? I just can't accept the part that 'you have always been gay' now. There was no way I can tell!
I try to focus on the conversation with all these questions and confusion flowing about my mind. I want to explain this confusion within me, but all I could utter was just, "But you didn't look-"
"No, Jo. You have to understand this. I didn't have to look like one to like guys. Who said that anyone who likes guys have to be girly and wear heels or dresses? Please, I think you are more mature than that," Typh cuts me off the second time.
"I didn't mean to say that, it's just that I... I-"
"Jo, just answer me this. Are we cool?"
I don't know what to say. I can't say yes, I can't say no. If I said yes, I will be lying. And if he does find out I'm lying, it will make things worse isn't it? And I'm not much into pretending like everything is okay when it plain isn't, because that is hell stupid.
If I said no, I will be in a risk of losing my best friend. And I am rather okay with it in the first place; after all I'm not going to be like those people who gave up on their pups for being gay.
Now what? It's a freaking stalemate here. Yes or no? I really can't decide. I open my muzzle, but I can only come up with plain babbling.
"Huh? Yeah, no, I... I mean..."
This is so unlike me. I just want an answer as much as he does. But I can't answer him. My lack of knowledge and the suddenness of him coming out obstruct me from forming a 'yes' for him. I realise that I can't do this now. I need time to think.
"I'm sorry," I begin, "I've suddenly remembered that I'm going out with my friends later, and I need some time to think."
What lousy excuse is that? I guess that's what happens when everything in your mind is confused - babbling rubbish and coming up with the dumbest ideas. The look on his face is freaking obvious that he didn't get any of my intended message. He looks like a pup that has lost his favourite blanket and chew toy - exasperated and in a loss. I want to hug him so badly and tell him that everything is fine.
"I... I guess I'll be leaving, Jo," he said, picking up his bag and everything before turning to leave.
What? No! Don't leave me, my best friend!
"Wait! Please, I... Let's hang out together, please?" I beg.
"Stop it, Jo. You are not comfortable with this and you know it. You don't have to pity me... Just let me go... Jo."
But I don't want you to leave my life! After all we have built on our friendship so far?
I can feel the tears forming. I try to control them and blink them back. This is no time to show any signs of weakness. I don't want to let go, let go of my furry blue friend, my best bud.
But I didn't have any telepathic skills. Typh just pulls himself away from me and walks off into the night, walking off away from me.
This really isn't what I wanted. I shouldn't have panicked. Now I may have just lost my best buddy for that. My inability to cope with the situation...
I gave a howl of frustration before attempting to take out my anger by slamming my door shut. It didn't help one bit to soothe my anger. I want to destroy things, anything, to help vent my anger. I took great effort not to leave holes on the walls as my parents will probably nag the hell out of me and cut my pocket money to fill up the hole as a punishment. I can't flip my room over too, not like it isn't messy enough.
How about food? Vent my anger by nibbling on the delightful ice-cream that awaits me in the freezer? But how delightful can it be if one is eating to vent their anger? I don't want to get fat, too.
Argh. This doesn't work, that doesn't work. I snatch up a random jacket and left the house. Hopefully walking outside with the slightly chilling evening air can help cool me down.
I walk and walk until my mind is clearer. I stopped when I realise I had been walking aimlessly about. I scan around the area and recognise this area immediately. This place is where Typh and I usually hang out when we were pups. In front of me is the same old grassy slope that we always lie on after a day in school. If it rains, we will hide underneath the bridge that connects our town to the next major city across the wide but rather shallow river.
I sit down on the grassy slope and reflect upon the recent incident. Perhaps because this place is my childhood area, everything just seems peaceful and clear.
So what should I have done?
Typh coming out... It is just not right in the sense that his behaviour before was not what I expected a gay person would be like. But of course I am so wrong about it.
Not only that, I can't believe that I actually didn't realise something like that was bothering him all along and he didn't say anything until I finally ask. Did he not trust me?
He has to give me more credit than that. I'm his best friend... Or should I now say 'was' instead of 'am'? Have I lost this friendship?
I don't like the fact that I can't be there when Typh has problems, and that I couldn't figure out what was bothering him. All I thought was just something simple and easily overlooked like a misunderstanding. What sort of a best friend am I, when I don't even understand him and he doesn't trust me? Okay, perhaps coming out is difficult for him. I am bigger sized than him anyway, he probably thought that I might send him flying with a punch or something, but I won't do that.
So if he was hiding his sexual orientation in fear of my response, which is understandable, that just makes me worse isn't it? I meant that I don't know him as much as I thought. I wonder what else he could be hiding from me, and now I probably have no chance to ask.
No, I'm not going to give up like that. We have been friends since we were pups, and I'm not letting some as trivial as sexual orientation to break this friendship. It has to be some sort of an affinity to be friends and be the best one that lasted for so long.
I sniffed before sneezing out loud. Damn, it's pretty cold here. My black nose is leaking mucus from the cold. I take up the jacket I brought earlier and wrap it around myself. I curse a little when I couldn't make the two ends meet to pull up the zip. Man, I've grown bigger again?
I have no choice but to huddle closer to myself by drawing my legs closer to me and hugging them.
I take another sniff at the jacket. It is the same red jacket that Typh gave me two years ago. He told me that he liked big guys to wear red jackets because he feels it was damn cool. Was he already..?
The cold wind blows stronger at me as though to urge me to get going to somewhere warm already. I give a sigh before heading home.
On the way back, I thought about the subtle hints that I might have overlooked before. I couldn't really find much. That guy is not very expressive to begin with. Anyway, what's the big idea if he had dropped hints or not.
So being gay isn't just about being a flamboyant twinkle toe or something, which is kind of great, because I don't really want to imagine how odd he would look like if he ever decides to cross-dress.
So he likes guys too. Hmm, I wonder if he does like someone too. He doesn't seem to have any idols or shown any interest in anyone actually. Could it be... me?
Nah. I don't think so. It's just my narcissistic thinking. Now that I think about it, I'm pretty much like him myself too. Being single and everything... Could I be the same as him? But I don't get any boners when I shower with the other guys after gym. Does Typh?
I sneezed again before hurrying back home.
When I arrived home, I felt slightly dizzy and light headed. It was half to midnight. Wow, I really took my time thinking about things. I sniffed again before heading to bed. I just want to sleep so bad now.
I woke up with a pounding headache. I felt hot and weak all over. Damn, I must have caught a cold yesterday. I tried to sit up, but things were pretty much hard to focus on, my room is spinning slightly.
For a moment, I hoped that Typh would just open and come in through the door to help me make this headache go away. But I know that it is impossible. I forced myself to stand up and get a glass of water. I was halfway through the kitchen before I lost my body strength. I didn't fall on the ground though, someone was holding me... Typh?
"Easy there, son, you're heated all over. Here, let me help you," my dad spoke.
Oh, so it was just my dad. I can only remember that I was placed on the couch before I slip into unconsciousness again.
The next few days came and go as a blur. I couldn't remember whatever I did. Dreams or reality, I can't really differentiate. I know there was some visions of my parents feeding me something, some vision about me jumping across flame rings as though in a circus, and some about Typh hugging me close and whisper things in my ears to soothe me, something along 'Relax' while looking at me.
Monday came and I finally feel better. In fact, I don't feel warm at all. The headache was reduced to a small dull throb. I scan the room and found my mum leaving the house for work while my dad sips on a steaming cup of coffee. Apparently I'm still on the couch.
"Hey son, you awake?"
"Yeah."
"How are you feeling?"
"Good enough. At least I can walk, I guess. I don't feel warm or any headache."
"Rest well if you still need to, I've cancelled school for you for today already."
"Heh. Thanks a lot."
"You should get up and about soon; you have been on the couch for the weekend already. And I'm not going to cancel school tomorrow. Well, if you want breakfast, it's in the container in front of you. I wanted to leave a note before going to work, but since you're awake and feeling better, I thought I would just tell you straight away."
"Haha. I'm fine now, thanks to y'all."
"I'll be leaving now, remember to take your medication too, it's just beside your food actually," my dad grins as the elder black wolf reach out to scratch my head between my ears.
"See ya dad, love you."
After my dad left, I sat up and began to stretch. I felt so stinky and rusty from two days of pure lying down. After I bathed, I took my food and medication before I sat back down on my bed, thinking about things again. Typh, and the funny vision about him. I somewhat wish that actually happened, but...
I stare outside my window into the streets outside, wondering what is happening in school right now...
I spent the rest of the time thinking about how to get Typh back. I tried to call him but no one was picking up. He couldn't be that petty to avoid my calls, no?
I've been trying to call for hours already. Now school should be already over, why isn't he listening?
It is then I see the familiar blue figure walking down the street. I rub my eyes to double check that it is Typh and not some funny illusion before I stand up and reach for my house door. But I didn't fully recover from the fever; I am still weak in my movements.
I can only open the door and support myself by leaning against the door (which makes the door slam under my weight), before I yell his name and gestures him to come here.
As he moved closer to me, I watch as his blue and white fur shifts along with his movements, he looks really nice, come and think of it.
When he arrives in front of me, I want to just reach out and hug him, but I know it isn't appropriate now.
I just stare at him and said, "This isn't gonna work. We need to talk, properly."
Note : I decided to try a switch in perspective, so here it is. Please do comment about it, it is deeply appreciated. And I've decided to post something before my national exams which is next week, so if there's any more chapters to come it will have to be a month later..