Alive
"Alive"
By Aureus Jackal
It was the grin that got to him the most. It was a reminder of better times now gone, forever frozen in time. As Aiden gazed at the picture from his spot on the couch where he lay, curled against an arm rest as if trying to make himself as small as possible, it was the charming, good natured grin worn by the blue wolf it featured that made it so hard to look at. He once loved that grin, and he knew he still should cherish it as a reminder of the sort of guy his mate was. But all he could think of was how he would never get to see that smile again - and it was his fault.
He knew others disagreed with that assessment. 'Blame the guy who pulled the trigger', they would tell him. But what did they know? They weren't there when it happened. They weren't there when he convinced Karu to take him to a bookstore he had heard about from a friend. They weren't there when he ended up lingering, despite his mate's misgivings about staying in that part of town so late. They certainly weren't there when he and Karu were attacked and the blue wolf shielded him when he froze in fear. It was true that he did not actually kill Karu, but had none of those things happened it was hard to argue with the fact he'd still be alive. He would not have bled out in the middle of the sidewalk from a gunshot wound while Aiden frantically called 911 on his cellphone - left behind after their attacker fled empty handed. It was really a waste for everyone in the end; a pointless act of violence that didn't benefit anyone, not even the one who perpetrated it.
They never caught the guy, of course. Aiden had been too paralyzed by fear at first and then too panic stricken to get a good look at their attacker. It was just another way he failed Karu. He was certain if it had happened the other way around, his mate would have given the police a clear description and justice would have been done; he was always better at dealing with pressure and stress.
Aiden whimpered and flattened his ears as he continued his vigil on the couch. It was only 3 days after the funeral and it still seemed so unreal. One moment he had a happy life and a mate that loved him and the next that mate was taken away and his life broken. Now, all he had left of Karu were his belongings and what used to be his favorite picture of him. Everything in the apartment was exactly as it was before that night, sometimes he half expected the blue wolf to walk in the door at any moment; maybe revealing it was all some kind of elaborate prank. Karu wouldn't do something like that to him, though. He wouldn't be that cruel, even if Aiden desperately wished that, just this once, he had decided to give it a try. The worst part was when he caught Karu's scent on something; it always made him start crying again. It drove the reality of what he lost straight through his heart like a knife.
Aiden knew he was not dealing with things very well. He was literally surrounded on all sides with reminders of his lost mate, and if there was a single moment of peace since the night he died, it evaded memory. Taking the picture down may have helped him grieve a bit, he knew. At least he wouldn't have to look Karu in the face while trying to live with the reality of how he failed him; but that would be too much like killing him a second time.
Aiden brushed a paw though his headfur and winced. He was certain his appearance was a perfect representation of how he felt inside. Not that he cared how he looked right now. It was difficult to stay presentable when even looking at himself in the mirror brought pangs of grief. Like Karu, he was a wolf - but where his mate had bright, icy blue fur where most wolves would have sported greys and blacks Aiden's fur was almost entirely snow white and accented with striking black markings across his body. Karu liked to tease him about how the ones on his muzzle and his black tail-tip made him look like a fox. They both stood out on their own, which may have been part of what drew them together in the first place, Aiden realized. The thought made him feel all the more alone.
A parcel, carefully wrapped in black fabric, caught his eye as it sat on the coffee table where he had placed it 3 days ago and ignored it since. He turned his attention towards the cloth-bound object, partially relieved to have found something new to focus on for the moment. As he considered what lay inside, an idea began to once again take root. It was a book - a very old and strange one.
The book came into his possession on the day of Karu's funeral. After everything was said and done and everyone else had gone, he stubbornly stayed behind at the freshly covered grave. Looking back on that day, he couldn't even remember what his thoughts were at the time, even though it was only a few days ago. He couldn't even remember what eventually made him get up and leave; but he did remember how he wandered aimlessly once he did. Somehow, despite the lack of direction to his wanderings, he came across a bookstore that specialized in rare and old books. It was so much like the place he dragged Karu to he almost turned and ran away in tears. Instead, he managed to keep his composure and went inside. Like so much about that day, he could not recall why he did that; but once inside he found the book - or rather, it found him. It literally fell in his lap as he sat on the floor near one of the book cases looking through an antique field guide on plants. He almost simply placed it back on the shelf, but as his curiosity got the better of him he decided to look through its pages.
From what he could tell, it was a volume filled with various kinds of occult nonsense, but as he came to one section in particular he felt his body go numb with shock and disbelief. He told himself it couldn't be real; it would never work - and yet, it had his full attention. If there was even the slightest chance...
The jackal that ran the bookstore seemed strangely reluctant to part with the book. It didn't seem to matter to him that Aiden explicitly stated he didn't care what the price was. The wolf thought it an odd sales tactic to play hard to get when the customer was already willing to pay any price. His insistence seemed to pay off though, as the jackal finally agreed to sell it to him.
As he recalled his desire to buy the book at the time, Aiden found it strange he had just left it on the coffee table, not even bothering to remove to black cloth the bookstore owner had wrapped it in. Maybe it was the odd look the jackal gave him as he handed over the book; Aiden almost thought it looked like pity.
The wolf slowly uncurled himself and leaned over and grabbed the parcel from the coffee table and sat it on his lap. After pausing for a few moments to work up the nerve to continue, he finally unwrapped the book from the black cloth and stared at the cover. It featured a skeletal paw with strange symbols drawn around it and what looked like a title: 'Aeterna Nocte Ianua'. It looked like Latin, but he wasn't sure what it said. He supposed he should have asked the owner of the bookstore if he knew, but it was a little late for that now. Not that it mattered much; it was what was inside that mattered.
Aiden slowly opened the cover and started flipping through the pages and was immediately struck by several odd things about the tome. It was much older than he remembered it being in the bookstore. Some of the pages even seemed to be hand written, and even the ones that weren't tended to have meticulously hand drawn diagrams on them. On top of that, he recalled the book being in English, but just about every page was filled with what appeared to be a mix of Latin and some other languages he didn't recognize. As he came to the page that caught his attention in the bookstore, however, he felt his body go cold. Unlike every other page in the book, it was written in perfect - if somewhat antiquated - English. He stared at the heading it bore for several minutes, barely moving a muscle. The same way most normal books would announce a recipe for baking a cake or some other mundane task, the page bore the heading 'Resurrection of The Dead'.
Aiden knew the idea was crazy. If it were possible to raise the dead then surely it would have gotten around, it would have been used before, and it most surely would not have just fallen in his lap to find while in some obscure bookstore; and yet, here it was. The book laid out the process so casually it actually seemed easy. All he would have to do is brew some sort of mixture, go to the grave site at midnight and drink it and say a few words - easy. The concoction it prescribed didn't even seem that difficult to make. The only thing that seemed difficult was the timing the actual ritual required - it had to be done at midnight on the night of Samhain. Aiden puzzled at this date, its name sounded oddly familiar. Once the answer dawned on him, it was all he could do to keep a mad grin from spreading across his muzzle. That would make the date and time it had to be done midnight, November 1st. Making that deadline would mean spending Halloween night preparing things; that was just 4 days away.
Aiden looked up from the book and once again turned his attention to the picture on the wall. Karu had always loved Halloween; not so much the dark connotations it carried, but he enjoyed how it gave him an excuse to dress up and perform pranks. He recalled how last Halloween Karu's costume idea was for them to dress up as each other - complete with full body fur-dye jobs to swap markings. It was an easy enough thing for Aiden, since white was his main fur color and was fairly easy to recolor, but not so much for Karu. Yet he still went through the trouble to completely bleach the color from his fur so the proper black markings could be applied. It was months before their fur colors returned to normal, which occasionally led to some confusion with their friends. Karu, however, took it all in stride, even joking once that his real motive for the idea was that he always wanted to find out what it would be like to have sex with himself.
For the first time since before the terrible night that took Karu away from him, Aiden felt a small smile cross his muzzle as he thought about his mate. He knew it was farfetched, and would probably come to nothing; but if there was even the slightest chance, he had to try it. He wanted the happier times back, and this seemed like the only thing that offered the chance; and if he didn't at least try he would always wonder if it might have worked. Besides, after the ways he had failed Karu, he owed him to try - no matter how stupid he felt afterwards if it didn't work.
Aiden felt the resolve inside of him grow, and finally nodded to the picture on the wall as he made up his mind. Karu had taken care of him on so many occasions, even at the very end; now it was his chance to do it for him. Aiden climbed off the couch and carried the book as he searched for a notepad and paper; he had preparations to make.
* * * * * * * * * *
The days leading up to Halloween passed surprisingly quickly as Aiden scrambled to acquire the diverse mixture of herbs and mushrooms the potion required. Most of the ingredients were fairly easy to come by, but others, particularly the mushrooms and a few of the herbs were more difficult. It took hours of searching small shops that specialized in herbal remedies to find those, and while their proprietors didn't ask questions, Aiden could tell they were more than a little curious why he wanted them in the quantities he did. If they had any idea he was going to try and raise the dead with them, they never let on.
It was a cold October night, and Aiden could see his breath as he quietly stalked through the cemetery. Normal hours for grave visitation were definitely long past, and it being Halloween made it even more imperative that he be as quiet as possible. It wouldn't do to be caught by security due to their extra vigilance against Halloween grave desecration and general mischief; that was technically what he was coming there for, after all. It would be a bit difficult to convince them, with the shovel he brought with him, that he had come on a simple late night graveside vigil; and he didn't even know how he would explain the inky black substance he had in the small vial contained in his jacket pocket.
Aiden had spent the better part of two hours chopping, boiling, mixing and straining the mixture outlined in the book, and the result was a thick, foul smelling liquid that reminded him of some sort of ink or paint rather than something he should be drinking; it was almost bad enough to make him reconsider his plan, but eventually decided the potential gain was worth having to drink the stuff, no matter how horrible it was.
The path to the grave site he was looking for was burned into his memory despite having been there only once. It was one of the few details about that day he did remember clearly. Even in the dark he was able to find Karu's grave out of the countless others that surrounded his. Aiden checked his watch and was relieved to find he still had time left to prepare; aside from outright failure, his next worst fear was missing the appointed hour and not being able to try at all. While the book didn't give any sort of limit to how old a body could be in order for it to be resurrectable, the idea was farfetched enough without having the recipient of the ritual being in the ground for a year being added to the scenario.
As he stood over the grave in quiet reflection, Aiden was surprised to realize he really did believe the ritual could work. He desperately wanted Karu back, and it dawned on him that he probably would not have gone through the trouble to get this far if he honestly felt it was going to be a waste of time; on top of that he gave no real consideration to what he would do if it didn't work. Aiden sighed softly as he checked his watch again, the time was getting close and there was no turning back now. He let Karu down the night he died, and he could not let himself do it again.
Aiden took the small vial from his pocket and examined the dark liquid it contained. It was not particularly appealing to look at, and if it tasted as bad as it smelled it would not be going down easy; still, it had to be done. As his watch ticked to midnight, Aiden opened the top of the vial and downed its contents in one gulp, nearly throwing it back up in the process. It was worse than he imagined; not only did it taste terrible but it burned as it went down like the strongest liquor, but unlike a shot of vodka the burning lingered for a few moments and gradually settled into a strange buzzing sensation that started to slowly migrate through his body from his mouth and stomach. It was enough to make him feel unsteady on his feet.
Not to be deterred from his task by a little dizziness, Aiden closed his eyes and concentrated on the rest of the instructions from the book. They were surprisingly simple for what they were meant to do. All he had to do was concentrate on his lost love and call out to them. The book had a side note that explained the reasons this was supposed to work, but most of it seemed unimportant. He didn't care so much how it worked, as long as it did.
Taking a deep breath he did his best to picture Karu as he remembered him before the tragic events that took him away: happy, loving, and always smiling. It was enough to make him have to fight back tears. Soon they would be reunited, so why the sorrow? Tears would only prevent him from doing what needs to be done.
"Karu... come back..." He started, having to pause to dry his eyes. "Come back... I need you. Please..." As he finished he felt the unsteadiness in him become more pronounced.
The instructions didn't say exactly how much he needed to say to make this work, but he had said what was in his heart and if there was a sign that was enough perhaps the increasingly odd way his body felt was it. Without even realizing it, at some point after finishing his tearful plea he had started digging into the earth with the shovel he had been propping himself up with. Each shovel full of dirt he tossed aside, the feeling in his body became more pronounced and his mind became harder to focus. A fear bloomed in the corner of his mind that perhaps the substance in the book wasn't for allowing him to raise the dead after all, but was a poison to allow him to join them. The thought was quickly pushed aside with what remained of his willpower; it was a little late to be worried about something like that, and even if it was the case, he knew he couldn't go on with how things were anyway. The way he saw it, he had nothing to lose as it was. As his thoughts and perceptions of the world around him slowly dissolved into a soft haze, Aiden realized all he could do was hope for the best.
* * * * * * * *
Aiden opened his eyes and looked around his dimly lit bedroom. His head still buzzed like it was filled with angry bees and he found it hard to remember how he got home. The last thing he remembered was drinking the vile tasting concoction from the book and digging into Karu's grave and - Karu! Aiden felt his body go cold as he realized he had no memory of how the ritual turned out or what happened to his mate. It was enough to make him feel like crying. After everything he did, the ritual clearly didn't work; and what was worse, he had no memory of how it turned out or if he even bothered to replace the dirt before somehow making his way home.
He was so focused on his apparent failure Aiden almost didn't notice the figure laying across his stomach as if resting. The wolf caught his breath as the dim light shone on fur of a distinctive bright blue hue on the figure's back. There was no mistaking it; there was only one fur Aiden knew of with that color in his coat.
"K-Karu...?" He whispered in disbelief.
The other fur remained silent and Aiden felt a sinking feeling in his stomach as he thought he must be mistaken. But who else could it be, if not Karu? Certainly no one would break in just to lay their head on his belly; and there was the distinct fur color. It had to be him.
Aiden reached down slowly, "Karu, let me see your face... it's okay."
As his paw reached the muzzle of the other fur, Aiden let out a sigh of relief as he found it was solid; it was no dream. He carefully used his paw to coax his companion to raise their head and gasped as Karu gifted him with one of his grins. It was as if nothing happened and the recent events were all a terrible nightmare; if it wasn't for the fact he could still remember it all so clearly he would have easily been able to convince himself that was the case.
Aiden could feel his throat begin to tighten as tears threatened to overwhelm him as he found himself once again reunited with his lost mate. "Karu... i-it really is you..." He whimpered softly. "I missed you so much... I'm so sorry. I should have listened to you. I shouldn't have froze like that. It... it should have been me." The white wolf whimpered, finally losing his battle against his tears. Aiden spent several minutes just shaking and whimpering as they streamed down his face; all the while, Karu remained silent but continued to smile.
Everyone had always assured Aiden that Karu didn't blame him for what happened, and if given the chance he'd have said the same thing. While Karu seemed content to remain silent now that he had that opportunity, it was that grin of his that he seemed content to use to reassure his mate this was the case. It was enough to gradually soothe Aiden's heart and stop the tears, though just barely.
Aiden gently ran a paw over his mate's white and blue fur, realizing just how much he had missed doing that. It broke his heart to feel how matted and dirty it had become in some spots; but then, Karu had spent about a week underground. He looked forward to helping the blue wolf restore his coat to its former icy luster.
Karu had been so proud of this coat's stunning coloring that he specifically had put it in his will that he be buried with it uncovered. He was never one for a suit and tie and somehow that suited him better. Aiden was just glad Karu had made the request himself; Aiden dreaded the reaction of Karu's family to the decision enough as it was without them thinking he thought it up. As it was, everyone was so nice to him - even though they were clearly grieving too. Aiden felt a manic grin slowly cross his muzzle as he imagined all of their reactions to having Karu back again. Finally, he had done something right and made up for how badly he let his mate down.
Aiden was drawn out of his reverie as he felt Karu start to nose at his belly, making the white wolf blush. He had greatly missed his mate's touch and feeling it again made his head swim from intense desire. Would someone who just recovered from being dead feel that way so quickly? It was a question he never thought he'd ever ask himself, but from the way Karu continued to intently nose at him, it seemed the answer was a definite yes.
Aiden pulled his shirt up and off and murred as Karu rested his head on his newly exposed belly fur. The white wolf smiled softly and petted his mate, prompting him to resume his nosing. Each moment this went on, Aiden became more aware of how badly his body yearned for relief from the despair and stress that had been plaguing him. Almost as if reading his thoughts, Karu nosed at the waist of his pants making the wolf quiver. "Karu..." He moaned softly.
Aiden slowly undid his pants and bit his lip as he felt the other wolf's muzzle travel downward, towards his already hardened cock. He blushed as he told himself that at this rate Karu would think he resurrected him for one thing in mind. The blue wolf didn't seem to mind, however, and as Aiden pulled his pants down and kicked them away he could already feel his mate's muzzle resting on his crotch. He murred happily to signal his approval to his frisky companion and pet him on the head gently and suddenly had to bite his lip at the intensity of the sensation as Karu seemed to take this as a good signal to engulf his mate's waiting member with his muzzle.
After having convinced himself he would never feel it again, Aiden found the sensation of his Karu's muzzle on him intoxicating; and the blue wolf seemed to find his part of things equally so, as the bobbing motions of his muzzle quickly picked up their pace. It seemed possible to Aiden that perhaps he too had convinced himself this was something he would never have again.
It wasn't long before Aiden had to stifle a whimper as Karu's enthusiastic bobbing on his cock quickly caused his pleasure to build. He couldn't recall one of their past times together having such intensity, but then none of those required one rescue the other from the very jaws of death, he reminded himself. Aiden desperately wanted this new first time they were sharing together to last as long as possible, but the passionate, relentless bobs of the blue wolf's muzzle quickly won out and he let out a quiet yelp as he felt the muzzle thrust down hard until it engulfed his member, knot and all. It was all too much and his body quivered as a torrent of his pent up cum gushed into his mate's waiting muzzle. The sheer volume of it shocked Aiden, and Karu too it seemed as some of it managed to escape his enveloping muzzle, leaking out the corners of his mouth and back down the white wolf's shaft.
Aiden panted heavily as he felt his body finally relax. He pet his mate affectionately as the other wolf continued to keep his member engulfed. Despite having cummed harder than he recalled doing in recent memory, he was still surprisingly turned on, and it after resting in that position for a few minutes Aiden was already fully hard a second time. The white wolf grinned and pet his mate as he realized this might have been the plan all along behind keeping his muzzle in place the whole time.
Karu finally lifted his muzzle from his mate's cock and flopped onto his back on the bed. Aiden blushed as he saw the other wolf's grin and realized the invitation. In the past he and Karu tended to trade roles when sharing their bed together, but at the moment it seemed the blue wolf was intent to let Aiden get his fill. Gifting his mate with a happy murr, Aiden sat up and positioned himself between the blue wolf's legs. Karu's muzzle had left his cock extremely slick and he doubted he even needed to reach for lube; which was good because as he glanced around the room he realized it was too dark to have found any easily.
Aiden murred softly as he grabbed the other wolf's hips with his paws and pressed the tip of his aching member against the entrance of his mate's waiting tailhole, pausing to savor yet another moment he thought he would never have again before thrusting forward with his hips and plunging himself into his mate. The sudden shock of sensation was just as pronounced as with Karu's muzzle and Aiden almost howled with pleasure; managing to hold it down to a quiet whimper at the last moment. Although he could never have honestly been accused of it before, Aiden promised himself he would never take a moment with Karu for granted again; and from the way his mate grinned up at him, it was clear he was thinking the same thing.
Not wishing to waste any more precious time with his mate, Aiden began to hump his hips and thrust his aching member into Karu. With each hump, the white wolf picked up his pace and worked himself deeper and the intensity of the sensation that enveloped him increased. Aiden quickly felt as though he could cum again at any moment but found it a bit easier to fight it this second time around. He was determined to savor this reunion with his mate he thought lost forever, and he wanted Karu to be able to enjoy the moment as well. His part in the whole ordeal had been worse than his had been; Aiden was lost and depressed but Karu had died and then rescued from death itself.
As Aiden picked up the pace of his humps - bringing himself to levels of passion and enthusiasm he hadn't thought possible of himself before knowing what it was like to lose what he held most dear - he could feel his body begin to tremble for release. Unable to hold back any longer, Aiden gripped his mate tightly and moaned loudly as his second torrent of cum of the night gushed into Karu, equally as surprising in volume as the first. All he could do was hold on and shake as his climax ran its course. As the flow from his cock finally stopped, Aiden felt himself suddenly very tired and gently pulled himself from his mate before lying down next to him. Karu still gave him the same good natured grin he always did when he was about to give some silly compliment, but none came forth this time.
Aiden hugged his mate tightly and gave him a kiss on the muzzle, feeling too tired to wonder what he was thinking at the moment; he would certainly need to ask him later though. As the moonlight illuminated the pair, Aiden hoped the morning would finally see the end of the strange nightmare that had consumed his life recently. With Karu back, he couldn't see any way that wouldn't happen. The blue wolf always did know how to make everything better. Aiden finally managed to drift off to sleep next to Karu, the comfort of the other wolf's presence so strong that he did not wonder at the brightness of the moon's illumination upon them.
* * * * * * * *
Aiden awoke with a start. Something was clearly wrong, but he his senses were assaulted by so many strange inputs, his waking mind barely knew where to start; and it wasn't helped by the fact his head hurt like he was experiencing the most terrible hangover he could imagine. The first thing that sank into his rousing consciousness was an intense smell that threatened to overwhelm his keen wolfen nose. It was oddly familiar, though something he could not recall having ever actually smelled. It spoke to him on a primal level and his instincts told him it was bad, very bad.
As his mind slowly recovered the memories of the past night, Aiden felt his heart race with worry as he struggled to recover his senses and fully wake up. He desperately wanted to check on Karu.
Aiden slowly opened his eyes and was dismayed to find his vision strangely blurry and hard to focus; but was relieved as he spotted the familiar blue form next to him. As long as Karu was alright, he could deal with whatever wrongness had invaded his morning. Nothing could bother him.
As his vision began to clear, Aiden stared in shock as he tried to comprehend what he was seeing. It was definitely Karu that was next to him, but not the Karu he remembered. The blue wolf's face was puffy and missing large patches of flesh and fur and his muzzle was frozen into a grotesque parody of the grin Aiden had always found so charming. Along with dark stains that trailed away from his empty eye sockets like tears - hinting at the ultimate fate of the eyes that once resided there - the effect was something out of Aiden's worst nightmare. The white wolf stifled a scream as he finally realized what it was he was seeing; the ritual had failed, horribly failed. The rest of the Karu's body was just as bad off as his face, if not worse in some parts, and it seemed that being pulled from the cold ground had managed to speed up the decomposition his airless resting place has staved off. As much as Aiden wanted to believe the ritual had worked, even for a moment, the dried cum and body damage prevented him from thinking any such happily reassuring thoughts.
"It was the potion, it didn't allow me to bring Karu back... it made me... made... me...." He whimpered to himself.
Aiden started to gag and scrambled back from the corpse of his beloved mate, only to have to stop as he nearly fell back in the freshly disturbed grave nearby. His shock built as he realized he had never even been home that night. His attention was suddenly drawn to his fur, once snow white and meticulously clean, it was now stained with dried fluids and old gore, and the scent - that terrible scent that woke him and he now understood the source of all too well - coiled around him tightly as if the embrace of a twisted lover. There was no escape. No escape from the scent, the reality of what happened or the realization he had perhaps let Karu down a second, more terrible time. Karu had died to protect him; and not only did Aiden's his plan to resurrect him fail, he had disturbed Karu's resting place and defiled his corpse because of it - his beloved mate who deserved so much better than him. There was only thing left for him to do in this situation, really. Aiden screamed as loudly as he could, and continued to do so even after curious onlookers appeared on the scene. Aiden also failed to stop when police and an ambulance crew were summoned on the scene. It was not until his voice finally left him and his throat left raw when the silence returned to his muzzle; even then a rasping gasp continued until the doctor finished administering the sedative injection.
* * * * * * * *
You'll never know how hard I cried
When under the ground you went to hide
But when I beckoned you did come
And again we were together as one
Though despite how very hard I tried
I was the only one alive
-- Found on a scrap of paper in the room of Aiden Reid, Tranquil View Mental Hospital
Alive by Aureus Jackal is licensed under a Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-NoDerivs 3.0 Unported License.