Reflection (Story in da Works)
Alright guys so heres something that i found burried under mounds and mounds of things ive been writing over the years. Its some journals that ive found from my senor year which i cant help but think would have made a great story. So thats what ive decided to do, ive been working with a new writing style and translating these old journals into newer and more up to date stories. Now so everyone knows these are modified quite a bit so only the follow some of the general storyline and some pieces of what i was feeling back then, alot of this story is hyperbole and over emphasized to drum up the major 'oh im a teen and my life is so complicated, woe is me' feeling.
Now what i really wanna ask everyone who feels like reading this is if i should keep writing it or not, i dont want criticisms for sentance structure and grammer and spelling because i already know im not to good at that. But i do what your responses to the stories content rather then the way its written. Just tell me what you think and if whether or not this is an interesting story.
The hefty bear sighed as he rolled over on the floor below him. The carpeted floor seeming quite comfy seeing as it had been his bed for the past thirty or so minutes. The large brown panda bear seemed to be in a rather tired state as he hefted himself into a sitting position, his shirt bunching up as it lifted itself yet again over the sizable bulge that served as his stomach. He groaned slightly as he pulled his shirt down covering his slightly overhanging gut. The black fabric covering him snugly. "I need to get some bigger clothes." he murmured to himself as he heaved himself up from his floor bed, the large bear looking around the room as he regained his sense of location. Apparently he was the only one left in the theater, it was only five thirty though which the large bear thought to be rather odd considering that meant that the schools play rehearsal should have still been in progress. Though the bear sighed as he heaved himself the twenty or so feet between where he had been laying and the stage itself, sitting on the edge before pulling himself up onto the dark green painted stage. The deep blue curtains swaying slightly as he brushed passed them. And the bear couldn't help but feel a slight bit happy that he was alone on the stage, it was his stage and he was happy because of it. He smiled as he laid out on the large tan colored sofa that lay directly center stage, pulling his cell phone from his pocket where it had been resting since he'd retrieved it from the floor where he'd been sleeping beforehand. The screen was still open to the romance story he had been reading, it was about a chubby bear who had finally found a mate who was 'better' then him by societies standards.
And quite frankly the bear couldn't help but find himself addicted to the story, it was agonizing reading the text at four lines a page, constantly having to scroll with the adequately undersized touch screen that had been through enough to provide a substantial amount of scratches. It angered him somewhat that society viewed his body type, the overweight and chunky, as a sort of 'badness'. He didn't like it at all, the ideal that society had under put him simply because of what he looked like. It was this train of thinking that made him peer out into the audience of the empty theater again. "No ones here...." he murmured quietly as though he was afraid to break the silence of the large theater. His thoughts leading to the ideal that everyone had left and no one had cared to tell him, they didn't even care to wake him up. Though he had to attribute that to the fact that most people still followed the 'don't rouse a sleeping bear' idealism, which he new was a good thing to follow from a few instances with his father. None the less it still hurt the large bear as he curled himself on the couch. The room was empty and he didn't know where anyone was, that wasn't what he cared about, he cared that no one cared enough to tell him anything. Hell even the teacher had gone and disappeared, the bear thought 'guess that's what I get for being the fat sleepy fag bear...'. The thought only hurt his stomach even more as he curled up on the large comfy couch, seeking comfort in its tan fabric but only finding a longing feeling. It had been like this for a while now in the theater. The previous year the bear had come out knowing he had a large group of close friends here in the theater, but now that group had disappeared, of course there was still a couple of them rolling around campus who had classes with the large bear. But the security that he had relied on when he came out to the school was gone and it was frightening.
The bears thoughts were rocked as he heard the metal doors of the entrance to the theater opening, the bear's eyes darting to behind the audience as he saw someone that he didn't recognize enter into his space. Just as quickly as the figure had entered had he left through a door that led to another part of the large high school, not giving the bear more then a passing glance. This only made the bear feel worse as he returned to his reading, the small text scrolling across the screen quickly, the story was good in the bears opinion, a little depressing but the bear was ok with that. It was when he was getting to the end that he found himself feeling truly sad, the ending was good but made the bear feel horrible. It turned out the main couple got married for just under twenty years and then one of them ends up dying. The other growing old alone. The bear had lost himself in his thoughts again, his paw pads rolling over the edge of the sofa as he uncovered a previously forgotten space on the couch. It was designed to hold a knife and sure enough there was a knife occupying the space. The bear wasn't quite sure why it was there though, he hadn't paid much attention to the play anyway considering he played a very minute part and was only there to fill his requirement for the school. The bear sighed as he pulled the knife from the pocket, rolling it among his paw pads as he breathed, his soft breath and the hum of the ventilation filling the large space.
The knife wasn't sharp luckily or else the bear may have done something that he would have regretted eventually. He wasn't depressed, or at least he had assumed that he wasn't depressed considering he never acted like it, but there was still the things he did which sometimes seemed questionable for someone in a proper state of mind. For instance even now as he was sitting there center stage he was throwing the knife into the air, spinning it as he rolled it between his fingers. It was as though he was making the metal dance between his fingers as he sat up, they were a bit more stubby then other paws but the bear found it rather easy. The knife was tempting him as he rolled the edges along his paw, the handle flying through the air as its deadly edge trailing behind it. The bear was tempting fate, still feeling depressed as he felt the metal slice his paw once, twice, a third cut ceased the bears attention as the knife fell, slamming onto the bears foot with a light force causing a small cut to form on the bears exposed foot paw. The bear simply looked at the knife, the red tinge on the blade was a nice addition to the shiny metal, it was a secret that he new how it got there and no one else did. Though the bear quickly lost sight of his thoughts as he put the knife back, sitting on the side of the sofa now. It had been roughly half an hour since he'd awoken and still there was no one to be found.
He remembered somewhere in the faint memory of right before he went to sleep everyone complaining about being hungry, and as though on queue the bears white and brown stomach let out a small grumble of hunger. The bear suddenly aware of the pain in his stomach that had been there from feeling bad and how it was being intensified by the sudden awareness that he was hungry. The bear put his paw over the grumbling stomach, his ear perking yet again as he heard the metal doors open yet again. The familiar sound of his fellow actors crossing into the threshold of the theater, the smell of food seeming to flood the room as they entered, each holding some form of food or another. They all seemed to take their place at the edge of the stage a good forty feet from the bear, the bear stifled a cry as he saw the teacher who was acting director walk in with a large bucket of chicken in his paws. The bear waited, feigning reading on his phone even though he no longer was as he watched the group of twelve or so students plus teacher sit on the edge of the stage, many sitting with their backs to him and continuing their conversation. But it was the others, they were sitting facing him and not a single person even cared to acknowledge the brown panda bear who's foot had a small deep red line crossing over it. The smell of the food teasing the bears nose as he smelt the air, trying to remain calm and steadfast in his relaxed looking state on the couch at the center of the stage. Ten minutes passed of this, the bear frowning as he lifted himself from the couch. No one mentioned him, he walked across the stage and directly through the crowd of students, limping on account of his foot now annoying him. The bear was going to the smaller drama room now, if the furs that were there weren't even going to acknowledge his existence then he wasn't going to dignify them with his presence. The bear was planning on just taking his stuff and leaving, but as he was exiting the large theater he heard the teacher, a large slender wolf, state that practice was going till seven and that they were starting. The bears heart sank, he groaned as he trudged to a nearby seat, sitting down with a huff into the fold out theater seat. He was in the back half of the theater and preferred that.
The bear became distracted as he began to notice the slight tinge of pain coming from his now cut up paw, his attention coming to his paw as he tried to ignore it. Honestly counter productive in the bears opinion but essential to the bears thinking process for some reason. The bear had become so focused on his paw that he actually jumped when he heard the teachers voice addressing him, simply stating "Ceut your on Script." the first recognition that he'd received since they'd returned from their food run was a command that he was now the actors script jockey. He growled slightly as he fished out a script from between one of the nearby seats, apparently it was the main characters brother. The lovable life living fool who dies at the end of the play and everyone feels sorry for. It perturbed the bear that he had grabbed this script, this was the script that he should have been using, but instead it had gone to his best friend because he looked more like a 'healthy man who lives life to the fullest', the bear was a two bit part in the play and many a time wished he didn't even have to be there. The bear growled as he gripped the script directing his eyes towards the stage, it hadn't occurred to him yet, but there he was. A large lion who was considered to be the bears friend, and yet he had come back with food, he had ignored the bear, he hadn't even cared to notice the bears bleeding. Which curiously enough had now dripped onto the lions paper. The bear gritted his teeth as he looked at the clock, it was twelve past six and they had just started the first scene for the night.
Ceut sighed as he looked at the stage growling down everyone there who he had even the slightest thing against, his friend of a lion for stealing his part and his friends and upstaging him. His Director who had given him a shit role even though he worked harder in the theater then anyone there, the Tigers Blake and Tyler who had swiped best actor out from underneath his feet in the yearbook. The bear gripped the paper in his paws casting it aside as he swallowed hard, gripping his teeth as he darted out through the nearby doors, even then not a glance of acknowledgment being paid to the bear as he rushed out. The bear was the youngest in his family and in his eyes easily the most lacking. His brother a handsome strong brown bear who could be called Adonis like and his sister a beautiful brown bear. They had both been prom king and queen, that was in different years of course. And here it was their brother hadn't even one a single award in the yearbook competitions. The bear growled as he kicked the door to the carpentry shop behind the theater, rushing through as he pushed his way onto the patio out back. His eyes brimming with tears as a red set of lines laid themselves on the door leading outside. The bear collapsing on a set of nearby steps, his stomach turning like a beast. Here he was a senior in high school and he was practically nonexistent. He was nice to everyone, he may have hated many of them but he was never rude to them, he was never mean, if he had food he shared, if he had something they wanted the bear always shared and here he was sitting alone cold and hungry with the sky beginning to darken, his 'friends' inside the theater probably not even aware that the bear was missing. The only thing that they would notice would probably be if the bear missed his cue when it came to his scene which he knew the group would never get around to at the rate they were going.
It only aggravated the bear more as he punched the cement next to him, he liked acting because it meant people had to pay attention to him. It meant he was the center of attention and people cared what he said. The bear was tired now, he pulled his phone out of his pocket, it was about six twenty five now and his throat was dry, he thought he could probably get attention by telling everyone that he was bleeding, that he was hungry, that he was angry, that he was hurt. He could tell them a thousand different things and he wasn't sure they'd listen. But that wasn't the point, the bear wasn't going to tell him because that meant he would be taking their attention and that wasn't what the bear wanted. Ceut didn't want to take peoples attention, he simply wanted them to give him their attention, give him something. The bear growled again as he stood, it was terrifying to him as he felt such rage boil up inside him but he knew that's all that would happen. His life was so fucked up growing up that the bear had long since lost the ability to be angry and mad with other furs, he was never mad with people, he could become annoyed and probably irritated with them. But never in his life had the bear punched someone out of anger, he'd never hurt anyone out of anger, he was a regular gentle giant and here he was sulking in the courtyard behind the theater, the metal fencing providing the sense of a metal cage around the bear. He just wanted someone to pay attention to him, to help him out of this.... This... this hell that he was in. It was all inside of the large bear and it was beginning to break him.
By now the bear was sobbing into his paws, the occasional tear mixing with a leftover bit of blood as it fell from his paws and onto the ground. He hated this, in his life he only cried a couple of times, when his pride was kicked in the balls, when he felt so horrible that he wanted to go crawl in a hole and disappear, and when he was in such pain he was actually on the ground crying. The bear groaned as he looked up at the sky, the dark blue clouds against the golden sunset providing a amazing scene for the rain that was beginning to fall. The bear smiled somewhat among his sobbing, it was true that there had been good times, but the bear could only remember a few of them. And they were overcome with the hundreds of memories of times the bear had gotten the short stick stabbed through him, he was tired again as he wiped the tears from his face fur, fixing it somewhat so no one could see that the normally happy, cheerful, and random bear that livened up everyone's day that he could had been crying. The bear sat there contemplating his life in solitude, the simple noise of cars rushing by on the nearby road providing an accompaniment to the sound of the falling rain. His stomach churned again as it reminded him of the fact that the bear was still rather hungry. Hungry and depressed feeling. The large brown panda sighed as he heaved himself up from the ground and led himself to the door which led to the inside of the carpentry shop for the theater. He returned to find the noise of the others had seemed to disappear entirely.
Curious the large bear moved from the shop to the backstage area of the stage, considering the two were connected this was a very easy task for the heavy bear. They were all gone now, there wasn't a soul to be found, nor was there any of their personal items. The bear looked at the clock as he made his way into the audience, the clock reading a quarter till. The cast was made to stay and the bear was not even given a chance to do his scene. The bear gave a dejected sigh as he rocked in chair about halfway through the theater. He was feeling less and less wanted the more he dwelled on the ideal, it wasn't a happy thought at all and it was the most dominating concept that was filling his head. Now the bear had cried and was feeling a bit more down to earth, everyone was gone meaning he could leave now as well. Practice for the day was obviously over and there was no one there to criticize him for leaving just a couple of minutes early. So that's just what the bear did. He left, making his way to the bike racks and retrieving his bike from its normal spot and peddling away from this school that the bear claimed to love.
But the bear knew he didn't love that place, it wasn't a place were he could be himself anymore. The wind rushed through his brown head fur as he pulled out onto the road in front of the school, cars pulling past the meager bike lane with little effort. The sky was still cloudy as the bear rode, his mind wandering among the darkness that rolled inside his head, he wasn't feeling so depressed anymore, now he was feeling the subtle pangs of hunger as well as the irritating sting of the cuts that adorned his paws, and riding his bike truly wasn't helping the slice that adorned his foot from when he'd dropped the blade. There was another thing the bear thought as he rode, the fact that he wasn't wearing shoes, even that thought irritated him. The bear wasn't very good at maintaining his shoes and because he was of the bigger species they were naturally more expensive as well as a lower quality. The bear had somehow managed to wear his last pair down to nothing more then rags, and now his feet were exposed to the elements because he really couldn't afford a new pair right then. Ceut sighed as he rode, adjusting his feet every hundred or so yards of peddling as the soles began to become sore from the ridges that adorned the plastic pedals. There was another thought that the bear had that made him sulk, his close friends, at least the ones who he hung out with, had asked him why he was not wearing shoes earlier and instead of telling them the real reason, the bear simply made up some bullshit lie about how he was tired of the constricting feeling of shoes and wanted to just feel the earth beneath his feet. What bullshit, the bear hated most everything now a days, he was becoming cynical and mean to stave off the feelings of inadequacy and fear of being hurt by others.
By the time the bear had finished his thoughts about his feet he was just over half way home, the suburbs that surrounded his school providing a pleasant, if not all to mundane, view for the pedaling heavy bear. Though he still disliked the route, mostly because people could see him. The way he had to heave to get himself up large hills and how he would rest at the top for merely a second. But always there would be a professional rider on his bike speeding by and making me look like a fat chump. Ceut frowned as he came to one of the hills he'd just imagined in his mind, pulling himself up as he pushed the twenty or so feet upwards. The bear looking around for anyone as he reached the top before dismounting his bike and sitting on the curve beside him, it was beginning to rain now. There was the slight sound of water hitting the cement around the large bear as he panted on the side of the road, his ears stiff as he strained to hear if any cars or other furs were on their way towards him. He hated being seen like this, in moments of any form of weakness whether it be physical or emotional. The bear smiled for a moment, he really was made of stone, he just wanted people to see the carving he displayed rather then the cracks that ran so much deeper. The bear even let out a little chuckle as he thought how the cracks could be compared to the cuts on his paws. Though as the chuckle subsided the bears expression changed to one of slight panic as he heard the sound of an engine turning the corner down the road. The bear may have been big but he could move fast, and move fast he did. No sooner had he heard the car was he back on his bike riding as though he had never been winded in his entire twenty minute ride. It takes about forty minutes to get from the bears house to the school where his theater was, even though it was only about three and a half miles, it always seemed that you were peddling uphill whichever route you took. The bear found yet another thing he disliked as he made that mental note, now approaching the mile long uphill struggle that marked the beginning of the home stretch to his house.
The bear sighed as he dismounted the bike yet again, praying that no one was around as he began walking, rolling the black bike beside him as the wet cement below his feet rolled away beneath him, today he was lucky. Because of the rain it appeared that no one was outside and that meant he didn't have to worry about being seen walking his bike when he should have been riding, the bear was still cautious of cars though. The only one passing him the bear heard a good forty feet before he entered the drivers line of sight, already on his bike and pedaling hard up the steep incline. He smiled again as he reached the top, looking back over the weeping roads below him as water streamed down the gutters of the large suburban hill. Another ten minutes had passed since he'd last checked at the top of the last hill, but he was at the top of this one now and the bear really didn't care to think about what he'd overcome. He more so cared about what he still had to do. Which, luckily enough was control the bike down the steep hill and not crash until he got to his house. The large brown panda bear always found this to be the easiest task of the day, mostly because he new that if he crashed he would be right back up again because he was to fat to really feel anything. The thought crossed the bears mind as he felt the blow to his self esteem like a kick to his stomach, frowning as he felt the cold air rush by him as he came to the road that his house was on. His bike taking the turn with a formidable amount of speed, water whipping away from the black cement where it had already begun to congeal on the ground. The rain always fell its fastest when the bear was close to home. And the fact that it was soaking his clothes was annoying, but the real issue was the fact that his backpack was beginning to get wet. He new that if it actually soaked through then his books would get wet and then he couldn't use them. The bear peddled harder down the hill, coming to the turn right before his house as he crossed the large bridge that covered the rushing creek below him. Decently sized puddles of water already forming on either side of the bridge where the cement had been worn down.
It was a different day now, a couple of days later from when the bear had last reflected upon is own thoughts and realisms. Today it was tiring to be here at the theater, but the bear was happy which was a pleasant change from his normally depressed and annoyed demeanor. At the moment the bear was perched atop a ladder on the stage, the walls around him now adorned with a series of colors that the bear found pleasantly warm and vibrant. It annoyed him that these colors seemed to contrast the meaning of the play which eventually ends with a great big fuck you to the face. Ceut was currently putting some touched on some of the areas that had been improperly taped and therefore had to go back and be done over. It wasn't a fun job but really there wasn't anything wrong with it so the bear had no problem doing it. All day he'd been working on this set, when he'd come in this morning the set had been one giant set of dull gray which the bear had been directing people to complete for well over a day now. But now that the base coat was down the bear was happy to say that the real fun could begin. First the lines were marked so people knew where to stop painting between colors, and now everyone was painting hot colors all over the walls. It was nice knowing that the edges where the paint didn't quite cover were going to be covered by a thick black line that would separate the different colors that adorned the set. It was simple really, lots of awkward shapes that adorn the set and are different colors with lots of white with black lines. It was based off of a Dutch artist who the bear couldn't quite name but he remembered being told to base the design for the set off that. The brown panda was the set designer basically as he'd been the one to draw up approximately what the set would look like and had been the one directing people all day long.
It was funny because the bear was both acting in the play and working as one of the major technical designers for the rest of the set and yet he wasn't receiving any real recognition for it. Sure actors helped out for set building and painting and things like that but there was so much more that the bear had been doing and yet he was receiving jack shit for it. Though that was far from his mind right now, right now he was just happy to be doing work on the set, which for the most part was his set considering he'd been the one to design it and paint it and build it. It was really annoying to him to be honest though with queen playing in the background the bear was content, matching the sway of both his stubby tail and the paint brush to the beat of the music. He had a mucky smile on his face which seemed to remind him of what a idiot he was acting like right now, but like before he really didn't care, he was enjoying himself here in the theater and that's all that really was passing through the bears mind right then. It would dawn on him later on how he didn't quite belong to this crowd of people either, 'Techies' as they called themselves. It was awkward for the bear, he didn't quite understand where exactly he stood among everyone, he wasn't welcome in the theater, his work in the shop and building in the theater always seemed to come easily, but working with the others who were doing the same always seemed to be tense and arduous. It was like the bear was slipping away from social reality and having a difficult time figuring out where exactly he stood among everyone. The bear had always considered that he'd stood alone from everyone and was just himself in a sea of everyone else, not quite mixing with anyone but still present for everyone to ignore.
The bears brush had stopped moving now as he reflected on the situation, there was rehearsal going on now in a different part of the school because the theater was occupied by the building crew, but he wasn't needed at rehearsal for the play. Was he really needed at all, did anyone really even want him to be there? Should he even really exist? The bear thought on it for a moment before shaking his head quickly and descending the latter he was precariously perched upon, It unnerved him heavily those ideals, that he should cease to exist. Though it seemed undeniable that things would be different if he'd not existed, but in reality just how different would they really be? Would everything be changed or would things be similar if not almost the same. The bears ears drooped as he realized that he was drawing back to another what if situation rather then thinking about what is. The bear couldn't cease to exist anyway, he could kill himself. The bear accepted that fact, but it wouldn't be ceasing to exist, it would simply be the bear affecting the situation even more then he already had. If the bear committed suicide what would really change, he'd get a page in the yearbook and his friends would be sad. But other then that what would really change. Ceut had set his paintbrush down on one of the many paint trays that lay scattered among the tarps at the base of the set and had begun to make his way past the others out of the room to where the drinks were. He was thirsty and had done quite a lot of work and now he felt he deserved a break. Again the bear seemed to drop from reality and into the depths of his own mind as he sat against a nearby wall to the food table. The hallway next to the theater seeming a long way off from the echoing beats of the songs that played on the stage now. He let out a heavy exhale as he looked at his reflecting in the fizzy brown surface of the soda that filled his cup, the face that looked back really didn't seem to be his own. He felt separated from his own mind in a way, it must have been from his thought on ceasing to exist that this feeling had spawned. Though now it really didn't matter to the bear, he was content. He wasn't happy anymore, but he was content and here sitting in the theater, that was more then enough for the bear to think on.