This Is Me.
I'm not going to talk myself up like many who write about themselves often have.
I am a quiet person, I keep myself to myself almost always. I don't go out partying, drinking, and don't talk to people almost always unless I'm asked a question first, or I have something to say.
I don't smoke, and I don't drive like a maniac on the roads because to me people who do that have death-wishes waiting to be fulfilled. I don't take risks often. I know I would be called very dull in that way, and I would agree.
I wasn't always this way though.
I was the complete opposite in my childhood. I was outgoing, always up for anything, chatty to anyone, any time. I took risks, hopped over walls into gardens, causing some mischief when I was younger. Got into trouble sometimes, fights, arguments. And even though, then, I hadn't many friends, the friends I did have, I enjoyed playing games of football with, chasing one another, tip-the-can, hide and seek even at times.
Once I reached 12 years though that all began to shift, to change. Like many people my school years were ones in which I was bullied frequently. Once into secondary school, or high school I guess is the best comparison with other places, it grew worse. I began to withdraw from the outside world, every single day going by, making it that much more obvious.
I became very quiet, keeping my head down, trying to be out of sight, each day being poked, prodded, picked on, beaten down sometimes. I could count at this moment still, how many good days I had, on two hands.
I became a very angry person, frustrated, felt like I was isolated, even though I knew others were getting the same treatment as myself. Each day would go by I'd get that little bit more so. There was no outlet for me, nothing, I kept bottling it up, more and more, feeling a heavier and heavier weight baring down on me. When I first played on a computer in my teenage years, the first game I played was "Command & Conquer" . Not the newer ones, the very first one. Soon it, in its own way, became an outlet for what was pent up inside, imagining those who poked at me in school were those being either shot, blown up, or crushed by tanks or harvesters.
As time went on and into my late teens, things just kept getting worse. I was failing exams, my confidence in myself was in my boots, practically nothing. I felt always, like crap.
I started writing when I was 17 years of age, ideas and images, memories at times appearing in my mind, I wrote down what I could recall and, it went into the first "book" I ever wrote. At first it was a release from stress after the days, and it worked, I could feel a difference, writing after coming home from school, than playing a game. But even it couldn't have stopped what eventually was to happen.
All that anger erupted one day, a day I can remember like it had only just happened this very day. All the weight, the frustration inside at being picked on so much, so deliberately and very much purposfully, and seeing nothing, nothing, being done about it by the staff in the school, just overwhelmed and came bursting back out, harming someone quite a lot, who had been one of the main "leaders" of those who would pick on me. It almost got me expelled from school yet, to my surprise at the time and now still, I was allowed remain in the school, and the person who had been the recepient of this rage, was suspended for a 2 week period.
I had warned time and again to the staff at the school that if nothing was done about it, I would end up doing something of it myself, and I would not be held responsible for my actions. After that incident, no one came near me, I wasn't picked on any longer, and things began to, very slowly, improve.
I still hadn't very many friends, in fact 2 friends only, through my time in secondary school. Once finished my 6 years, I couldn't have been more relieved to have gotten away from it all. The experiences of those years, left unfortunately, an almost permanent mark on me. I was still very much withdrawn from society, I abandoned going out to disco's and nightclubs and such, instead staying in the house, in my room listening to music and, playing a game or writing. I also began collecting, building and painting miniature models from the Warhammer 40,000 Table Top game.
Up until my discovering the website www.herpy.net , I never really talked with anyone, not even my family, about things that bothered me. I always felt they, didn't want to know and, or they'd not understand. I felt very much alone, isolated still, it took a lot to get me to go out anywhere, and, honestly even now it still takes a bit to get me to go out anywhere.
When I first found herpy's website, it was through the site's gallery when I was looking for some clean pictures of dragons. Before then I didn't really know of and/or look at more, adult, images of things.
After finding the forums of Herpy, I stumbled across an introduction of a member, who to this day I still feel a close friend of. After reading his introduction and, seeing such a warm welcome he received it brought some hope to me, and I joined the site also. After introducing myself I received quite a warm welcome from the other members which, really lifted me a good distance from where I once was.
I got to know many new individuals, made new friends and chatted with many on the IRC system Herpy had set up. To this day I still chat with some of those I met through Herpy.net and others who I met via SoFurry.
This, in a way created a hidden divide in me though. In reality I am still quiet, not very talkative, yet more confident than I've felt for a long time. Even now I have been holding my first job for 5 months, after such a long search, it's an amazing feeling.
But even with this, I don't go out much if at all, I still sit in my room mostly, or help about the house, or drive a family member to the local store to get some things, or drop their kids up to their training sessions for Gaelic Football or Hurling, and to the respective matches.
Online, it is like the younger me is back at times. I am very chatty, talkative, confident more than in reality, outgoing, up for a lot of things. This is the divide I feel. In reality I'm still not where I once was, who I once was. Online I'm much more of what I once was. I try to bring what I am online into reality, more confidence, outgoingness (I know it's not a real word but no other can describe currently) , more chatty. But unfortunately, it doesn't ever really work out for me.
I do my best to see the brighter side of things, I have had experiences which have helped me to do this, but it is difficult at times and on some occasions I have fallen into " the hole " . I am thankful to have had individuals I could talk with in these occasions, as they have helped me to get out of " the hole " , more than a thank you or any word could express appreciation.
I do hold onto some hope that, in the future I will finally escape this dull, shadowed tunnel that my lack of confidence, quietness and non-talkative self, and once more become the outgoing, confident, talkative and optimistic individual I was.
It would be such a bright light to escape this tunnel into that, I can't help but, look forward to seeing it, and one day bask in its light, warmth.
It may even bring to me, the joy of finding a certain someone.
This Is Me.