Confusion
#5 of Alternatives
Yep, it is that stupid transition - from happiness to sadness then annoyance within a period of two minutes - which I am feeling now. I really have no idea if such paradoxical love is actually healthy for me. I can't pin down whether to forget or to continue, to like or to dislike. I wonder what advice one will give me.
And I think I just decided to forget him?
But I can't think now, can I? Not when all the blood has just rushed down there, which is again thanks to Gerrald.
Gerrald, Gerrald, Gerrald.
What am I supposed to do?! I mean, unknowingly I will just talk about him, and this obsession is killing me.
GAH. Forget it.
Looking at the same alarm that had just pulled me back from my dirty fantasy, I decided to just not think about him and prepare for school. He is not worth to miss the school bus for anyway. Pulling off the blankets I turn to auto-pilot mode and begin to start the day. Fold sheets, brush teeth...
Not that the raging hard-on helps.
It can be pretty annoying to use the toilet with that; you need more precision in aiming into the bowl.
I decided against pawing off, I'm so not in the mood. What am I going to fantasize about? Gerrald?
Stepping into the bathroom, I snarled at my reflection, muzzle snapping away as though to threaten the reflection. One may think I'm crazy, but I really hate looking at myself in the mirror.
Another weird habit of mine, huh?
I believe that I am ugly. Whenever I say that, people just go "Yeah, whatever." Or "Oh please, you are not that bad, you are not ugly, at least you have proper features on your muzzle, yada yada."
I don't understand why people cannot see the ugliness. Ok, maybe I'm not ugly as they said, but no one ever told me I look good without being sarcastic. So where do I stand?
And when I say about my ugliness, I meant my looks, posture, behaviour, shape and voice. Not just the looks on the muzzle. There was once I saw this video of myself, and I felt that I was absolutely loathsome. The looks, the way I move, the voice I spoke. Gosh. I wanted to dig a hole and bury myself alive.
But on the exact video, some said I was ok, some said not bad, but no matter what they say, I will still cringe every time I watch the video. Call me nuts, call me paranoid, whatever.
This is why I'm also not confident in snagging Gerrald in any way. Ok, that's based on the assumption that he desired males too. But the first step is to know him, then see if he is interested, no? With this confidence with myself, how can I? And I did mention that we had nothing in common too. So it's like a double whammy to begin with.
Sigh. If only I were as good looking as Gerrald himself... Seriously, if he ever wanted someone, judging from his cuteness and talents, I don't think he will face many rejections. If not, why would a picky me actually crush on him? This ugly wolf has some taste too, you know.
Or maybe I'm just biased towards him. Still...
Here I go again, drifting off back to Gerrald.
Ok, here's a plan. I will attempt to forget Gerrald by disliking him for manipulating my feelings (which he had done nothing at all). You know, sometimes I think the main reason for my obsession and annoyance is because Gerrald has done nothing to me. I might just feel better if he had done something, anything, punch me, trip me, hate me, talk to me... just anything!
Oh, can't someone just tell me what to do?
Luckily, all the time that my mind wandered off, my body still remain on its auto-pilot mode. By the time I snapped back to reality, I was already in the fur dryer, assaulted by strong warm winds that attempt to blast every droplet of water out of my fur.
The fur dryer always fluffed up my fur that takes quite a while to settle down. I walked into the kitchen and begin to pour myself a cup of coffee. And as usual, my mum saw my fluffy self and begins to attack me with a comb and start her usual nagging. I'm glad that my auto-pilot mode has a build in function that ignore my mum's nagging, and another which is to grab the comb out of her paws and comb myself, because she isn't exactly gentle at times.
Checking the clock again, I finished my coffee, check for all my stuff required, and was out the house.
One thing about my auto-pilot mode is that it can be extremely clumsy, forgetful and of course, non- responsive. Now that I mentioned it, I think my mum just said something before I go...
Well anyway, this is my typical daily morning. Pretty boring, huh? Then again, School life can be quite standard - Work, play, sleep, and repeat.
Hmm... maybe not today, because tomorrow is the weekends! So the schedule should be work, plaaaaaaaaaaaay, before sleep. Heh heh. It's time for me to do some mass training tonight. My online character has been pretty much neglected thanks to schoolwork. Yep, my buff; built warrior character. I always have the tendency to choose warriors because they have awesome body shape and bravery, rather than scrawny nerds that teleport around. Bonus points for characters with morphs or feral summons.
But anyway, there is still school to go before playing.
And I did catch up the bus this time (hah!). Bus rides are generally uneventful, because usually the bus is filled with sulking muzzles dreading to attend classes, and I am no exception. Any form of life in the bus will actually show up before the weekends like today. Furs and humans chatting away, recalling their plans for the weekends, while I just sit down, thinking about stuff in my mind, hopefully get some form of peace and ma-
"Hey!!"
A sudden pat on my back came and is strong enough to oomph some air out of me. I turn to see the familiar muzzles grinning away at me.
Now that IS something surprising. Jo and Jin are actually smiling at me? Did they both strike a lottery or something? Or did they both get some free membership to some gym? Definitely fishy.
Usually the whole bus sulked... but then again, I did say today might be an exception, no?
"What's the occasion?" I questioned, "It is kinda odd seeing both of you not being grumpy in the morning."
"What? Who's grumpy in the morning? It's the day before weekends!" Jo said excitedly.
Of course. In my auto-pilot mode, I forgot that it is that day of the week.
"Oh, okay, so we're not hanging out today?" I said.
"Huh?" Jin the real (not dreaming) white tiger spoke, "No, not that. The gym is closed today to upgrade their facilities. About time, too."
Then?
"We just heard news that we, graduating students, are going to have their dinner and dance session after the graduating ceremony."
Oh. That. Dinner & Dance is as good as saying prom.
"And so?" I replied, "If it isn't compulsory, I'm not going."
Why would I? Hell, my money would be wasted if I ever went for one. First, I have no date. Second, I don't know how to dance. Third, I am hideous.
And, such events are for popular people that can actually qualify to go.
Maybe if Gerrald -
NO. Stop thinking about that, Typh Wolfie Connor. You promised.
"Why? I thought it would be kind of fun... I mean, we never had this experience before, so..." Jo drifted off, probably hoping that I'll reconsider.
"Nah, it is just not the thing for me. And I'm not asking my parents for any money to go to some expensive hotel to dine and dance." I said, picking up my bag as we approached the school.
"Come on, it will be fun!" Jin insisted, giving me a supposed gentle shove that nearly caused me to fall off my seat.
"Ok, relax, I'll think about it alright?" I said, trying to appease them.
Apparently they took the bait because they beamed back at me after I showed some compliance.
After we alighted from the bus, both of them were chatting away happily, exchanging greetings with their other friends.
Just then, a familiar brown ball of fur catches my eye.
As usual.
Who else?
It's Gerrald again.
Just when I wanted to forget him? Such coincidence. Usually, finding him can be quite tedious despite his size, and now he appears in front of me?
Seeing him again reminded me of the feelings after that dream. Yes, I will use this feeling to...
Sigh... I have to admit. As much I wanted to, it is evident that I can't forget him. My eyes were glued to his moving figure all the time till he was gone. His presence gives such a huge blow to my willpower. I can faintly hear my wall of willpower going 'crack' upon seeing him.
I jumped as Jo used his furry grey finger and poked my side. "Whatcha staring at?"
"Er..."
Stuck again. What am I supposed to say? Staring at...
"I saw our home class teacher walking to our classroom already, she might just send me for detention if I'm late again," I lied.
And luckily as though on cue, the school bell rang.
Jo had a bit of frown on his face before he turn away, resuming his conversation, and grabbing me on my shoulder with his arms for me to join into their discussion.
As we walked down the corridors, I realised that actually, I can easily forget about Gerrald when I'm hanging out with Jo.
Under the sunlight, Jo's coat shone brilliantly, like some sort of silver. Actually, Jo is good-looking, and he cares for me as well...
I feel bad having to keep secrets from him. Jo trusted me as a best friend too...
I wonder if I have been like that all this while. I mean, I seem to be pretty obvious drifting off about Gerrald and everything, but...
If only someone could help me out here...
Note : Ah, I know I should have asked, but I've tried and I've increased the chapter length by 25% compared to the previous one. I still don't know how long is enough... and too long can be too much to digest.
So, what advice would you give to Typh?