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(I wrote this story a long time ago, but I never got around to posting it. Well better late than never! It takes place after the Reign of Terror story arc in Shanda the Panda comic series. Issues 39-41 if you go searching for it. I hope you all enjoy this. And, of course, all these characters are from Shanda Fantasy Graphics and are not mine.)

The Hardest Part: A Shanda the Panda FanFic by Loki_Darksong

The thing that young Quinn Sabatier had feared for most, if not all of her young life had finally happened. Even though it was for a good reason. Even though there had been no other choice. Even though it may have been the one thing that saved the life of her family, it still had happened.

Quinn had let her badger out and Wing never knew what hit him.

That had been a few weeks ago and even with all said and done, Quinn was still bothered by it. So was Shanda. They both had been to their therapist, Dr. Rama, before the dust had even settled. Quinn's self identity had always been a sore spot since Trixie had told her that she was really a badger, despite her father being a raccoon.

She found that Quinn, much to her pride, had weathered the crisis admirably well. It bothered Quinn that she had kept what was really on her mind from her. But while she really liked the doctor, her problem was one that only a parent could solve. And the solution was one that Quinn felt Dr. Rama would probably not like too much.

She wasn't too sure that she liked the idea that much herself. And while she considered herself a raccoon, her badger half was strong. Very strong! And she needed that taken care of. And soon!

Quinn had spoken to a couple of kids at school as a kind of research. A question here and there when she overheard the right 'keyword'. After a few talks, Quinn felt ready as she would ever be. All she needed was the right moment.

That moment came on one quiet afternoon, when only she and Shanda were the only ones at home. The two of them were relaxing, just reading books. Well at least Shanda was. Quinn had been on one page for a while, trying to build up her nerve. But there would be no better time to do it. "Mommy", Quinn said, trying not to sound nervous. "Can I ask you something?"

The panda looked up from her book, "Sure, Honey."

Quinn looked over her shoulder, "Just between you and me. No calling Daddy."

Shanda put her book down on the table. This sounded serious. "Quinn? Is anything wrong, Sweetie?" Shanda didn't want to sound worried, but she was. Quinn already had shown that she had a tendency to keep troubles and problems to herself and try to figure them out on her own, unfortunately with near disastrous results. And with all that had recently happened, Shanda now wondered if Quinn just may have, once again, kept too much inside, despite what she had told Dr. Rama.

"No, "Quinn said, quietly. "Nothing's wrong." She thumbed the side of her book, nervously. "It's just that I needed to ask you something. But just between us. No one else."

Shanda looked down at the young raccoon girl. Full raccoon as far as Quinn was concerned! Shanda had become Quinn's mother in all but body. And while she did not like leaving Richard out of things that involved his daughter, she felt that Quinn needed this. That it was very important to her. That was all she needed. "Alright, Quinn," she agreed, "Just between us girls, then."

Quinn nodded, satisfied with Shanda's answer. And now came the hard part. Not sure just how to proceed, Quinn did what any kid would do. She dove right in! "Mommy, are you afraid to spank me?"

Looking back, Shanda realized that she was so glad that she had not been drinking or taking a bite of something when Quinn said her question. Because she knew that if she had at the time she would have been choking right after. "WHAT!!!" She did not mean to sound so shocked, but this was just not the kind of question you get from a child!

It would have been so much easier just to say 'Never mind' and drop it then and there, but Quinn felt that she had past the point of no return. "I was just wondering if you were afraid to give me a spanking." She turned away, back to her book. "You know. If I was being bad or something."

Now this had really caught Shanda off guard. It was not everyday a child up and asks such a question. She really did not know just what to say. "But, Sweetie," she stammered. "You have always been a good girl. How could I spa... How could I do such a thing to you?"

"Not all the time," Quinn quietly countered, still looking at her book. She wasn't sure if it was funny that Shanda could not even say the word 'spank'.

"Not all the time?" Shanda repeated Quinn's words. "I don't understand."

Quinn sighed, looking up from her book. This was really getting hard. "I mean I've not been a good girl all the time."

"But, Quinn!"

"Mommy, do you remember when I was yelling at you because I wanted to see Mama Trixie?"

Shanda nodded. Remember? How could she ever forget! Quinn practically brought the house down! "Yes, I remember, Quinn."

"Well, I wasn't being a 'good girl' that time!"

"But, Sweetie," Shanda knelt down in front of her daughter, "You were just so angry inside. Angry and you didn't know why and you were just lashing out. All of that wasn't your fault!"

Quinn pushed her face up against Shanda's hand. It felt so different from the slaps she would get from her birth mother. "But what happens when it is my fault?" the eight year old asked softly.

Shanda was silent for a moment, and then realized where this may have been coming from. "Come here, Sweetie." She gently picked up Quinn and sat back down on her chair, sitting her on her lap. "This is about what happened with Wing, isn't it."

Quinn nodded. "That's part of it, but not the whole thing." The child fell silent for a moment, looking at her fingers while she gathered her thoughts. "When I did what I did with Wing," she started. "You know, 'Letting my badger out'. I thought I would be scared of that part of me. But that's not what happened."

"Momma, I liked it." Quinn whispered. "I know I shouldn't, but I did. And I still do. And that's what's scaring me. That and something else."

Shanda rubbed Quinn's back to comfort her. "What is it, Sweetie?"

Quinn sighed. "That if I really act bad you'd be too afraid to do anything because of how Mama Trixie treated me." Shanda had to think about that. There was truth I what Quinn said. It was always in the back of Shanda's mind, this worry of what would she do if it really was necessary to punish Quinn. And it looked like Quinn had also been worried about it as well.

"I won't lie to you, Quinn," Shanda sighed. "Every once in a while, I did wonder just what I would do if I had to," she hesitated, "punish you." Shanda could not believe how hard it was just to say the word out loud. She half expected Quinn to jump off her lap and run for it. "I really didn't know what to do, or could do." She let her hands run gently through Quinn's hair. "Trixie had put you through so much. I guess that I didn't want to do anything that made me look like her in your eyes."

Quinn shook her head. "Mommy, you are not Mama Trixie and you never could be." She said, hoping to sound reassuring. "Mommy, sometimes kids are bad. They don't mean to be, but it happens. And then sometimes Mommies and Daddies have to spank them. I talked with some kids at school about it and they said that it's not the end of the world when it happens." Quinn was silent for a few moments and then she looked up into Shanda's eyes. "They still love each other."

Shanda began to understand Quinn's reasoning and where this was going. She was also impressed by the child's 'fact finding' mission. But she still wasn't convinced that Quinn really knew just what it was that she was suggesting. "Sweetie, I think I see what's going on here, and where this is going." She drew the little girl close to her. "I love you, good or bad. Even if I had to punish you, I would still love you. But I am not comfortable with the idea of spanking you. It just reminds me of Trixie and how she treated you."

"She never spanked me," Quinn said softly, her head resting on Shanda's chest. "She'd yell at me. She popped me a few times and yanked my arm." Shanda listened quietly, horrified at this litany of Trixie's abuse. "But she never spanked me. Sometimes I wished she would. Maybe she'd feel better if she did. Anything was better than her yelling at me."

Shanda said nothing. She just quietly held Quinn after the child had finished speaking. Quinn had never opened up this much to her before. It was a mixed feeling. Shanda was both gladdened and saddened by it all. And another part of her would love to go out, find Trixie and punch that bitch of a badger in the nose, for starters! But, right now, Quinn was all that mattered. And she knew that she had to be very careful with whatever she said or did next.

Quinn beat her to it. After saying what she said, Quinn felt a bit lighter, better for telling Shanda, her true mother, what she felt. "Mommy," she said before Shanda could say anything. "I know you love me and would do anything for me. Well...I need you to treat me like any other kid. And if that means that I get a spanking sometimes," She hoped Shanda didn't hear the 'gulp' when she said that! "Then I get a spanking sometimes. I know its going to hurt, but that's ok. Maybe it'll help me keep my badger under control."

A small grin then crept across Quinn's mouth. "Maybe Daddy should have spanked Mama Trixie a few times to keep her from being so mean."

Even during such a serious moment, Shanda couldn't help giggling at the image of a bare bottomed Trixie over her man's knee! "Sweetie, it sounds like you have really been giving this a lot of thought." The little raccoon nodded. "Are you sure you really want this, Quinn? It seems like a mean thing to do to you. Especially after all that you've been through."

"If Mama Trixie spanked me, it would be mean, "Quinn said. "Because she hated me and wanted hurt Daddy through me. But if you did it, it would be right because you don't hate me." A little confused look crossed Quinn's eyes. "Does that make any sense?"

Shanda kissed Quinn on her forehead. The child's ability to be wise beyond her young years never ceased to amaze her. "Yes, Sweetie," she whispered. "It makes perfect sense. And thank you."

"For what," Quinn asked.

"For trusting me with this," Shanda answered. Quinn gave here another questioning look. "It's easy to love someone, Sweetie," Shanda explained. "But even when you do it still takes time, and a lot of effort, to trust them. Especially with something like this."

Quinn hugged her mother. "I do trust you, Mommy," she said. And then asked," Does this mean you are going to spank me now if I am bad?"

"Hmmm. How about we try this first," suggested Shanda. "I could give you a choice between being grounded or getting a spanking."

Quinn gave the suggestion some thought. "If being grounded means being sent to my room," she said, "Then I would rather have the spanking." She caught the odd look on Shanda's face. "Mama Trixie used to keep me in my room a lot, "she explained.

Shanda did an exceptional job of hiding the disgust she felt. Again Trixie, she thought. Was there no end to the horrors she put Quinn through? "Ok Quinn, if this is what you really want, I'll do it. It may be part of a parent's job, but it's a part that I don't like." She touched the bottom of Quinn's chin. "Just please do your best to make sure that it doesn't have to happen."

Quinn smiled. "I will, Mommy."

"And if you ever want to change this, just come and talk to me. Ok."

"Yes, Mommy."

Just then Shanda remembered one important detail in this matter. "Oh, we forgot about your father and Terri."

"Hmmm." Quinn gave that a thought. "Can this be just between us for now, Mommy?"

"To see if this works and is right for you, for us," Shanda added. "That's fair enough."

Quinn reached up and gave her mother a big hug. "Merci, mama!" Quinn chirped, switching to her native Cajun language. Though in the back of both their minds, they both found it funny that they were happy over the whole spanking deal. And while Shanda thought the issue was now settled, Quinn had one more thing that she had to do. "Mommy?"

"Yes Sweetie?"

"Could you do it now?"

"Do what, Sweetie?"

Quinn hesitated a second before answering and then held her nose and dove into the deep end of the pool. "Give me a spanking", she said in a low voice. "Right now?"

For a second time Shanda did a double-take. This day was just full of surprises! Shanda knew that she should have anticipated this. Children always needed some kind of proof of commitment. But she had hoped that she would have had some time to do some kind of research (how does anyone research spanking a child in the first place!) before she would have to do 'that'!

Hoping that Quinn did not notice the deep breath she silently took, Shanda tried to stall. "But, Sweetie, you haven't been a bad girl at all. So you really don't deserve a, a." Come on, girl, Shanda scolded herself. You can say the word. "I don't think you need spanking so soon."

"I know," said Quinn. "But I thought that if we tried it now, neither of us would be scared when I really have to get one."

Shanda had to admit there was some logic to what Quinn was saying. Well they had been told the Quinn's name meant 'wise one' in Irish. Now she really was seeing it. Still though, Shanda realized that now there was no way to avoid doing this one duty that parents dreaded. "Ok, Sweetie, "she relented. "But I haven't the foggiest idea on how to do this. And I really don't want to hurt you."

Quinn smiled, despite the butterflies in her tummy and the strange tingling that was dancing across her tushy all of a sudden. "I trust you, Mommy." She slid down off of Shanda's lap. "This is kinda new to me too." The pair was quiet for a moment. Shanda then understood that Quinn had put her in charge and was waiting for her to take the lead.

Well, here goes everything. Shanda stood up, holding out her hand. "Let's go to your room, Sweetie." The little raccoon nodded, taking her mother's hand. It was a very short, very quiet walk for the pair. Once there, Shanda remembered that Quinn had no adult sized chairs. The child's own were far too small to for Shanda to sit on. The only other option, short of calling the whole thing off, was Quinn's bed.

Sitting herself down, Shanda closed her eyes, steeling herself for what she was about to do. You can do this, Shanda. The Panda tried to encourage herself. This is a part of being a mother. She opened her eyes and saw Quinn fingering the edges of her shorts as if trying to decide whether or not to take them off. Shanda decided that it was now or never.

"No, petite," she said in Cajun, drawing Quinn close to her. "That's for mommy to do." She hugged the raccoon, giving her a kiss on the forehead. "Quinn, I'll make a promise to you. I will NEVER do this to you out of anger. I'll only do this, spank you, only if you are really, really bad. Ok."

Quinn's eyes were starting to water. "Oui, Maman," she said in Cajun. Shanda had learned some from Richard, Quinn, and Pandora to know what that meant; 'Yes, Mommy."

"Then let's get this over and done." Shanda reached down and unbuttoned Quinn's shorts, pushing them down the child's legs. The little girl stepped out of them and gently as she could, Shanda picked her up laying her facedown across her lap. She waited as the raccoon settled herself before reaching for the child's panties.

When she felt her bottom being bared, Quinn buried her face in her arms. "Maman, before you start can I say something?"

"Yes, Sweetie?"

"When you're spanking me, 'She' might show up, and say a lot of bad things, words. I just wanted to say 'I'm Sorry' before that happens.

Shanda knew who the 'She' that Quinn was talking about. Her badger half; the part of her that she was afraid of. She was already proud of the girl for going this far. But this was making it harder not to cry. "I understand, Sweetie." True, Shanda did understand. But she felt that there had to be more. What would a Mom say to something like that in a situation like this, she wondered. She thought of her mother and of other mothers she knew, Rainbow and Pandora. What would they say?

"Just remember, Sweetie. That other Quinn, badger or not, is still you. An angry part, but she is still a part of you. We both know now that you can control her. (Thank God for that!) So you really can't hide behind her if you do anything that's bad." Shanda moved her hand to rest on Quinn's bottom. She noticed that the child flinched slightly at the touch. It made her nervous for a moment, but she kept her resolve firm. "Momma Terri, your Daddy, and I will always be there to help. But it's also up to you." She gave the gold colored bottom a tender pat. "Understand, Sweetie?"

Quinn was trying not to cry. She knew she would sometime during her spanking. But she didn't want to do it so early. She was, sadly, used to the harsh biting words from her birth mother. Words so painful that she wished her mother would just kill her and be done with it. But this! This was different.

There was no harshness in Shanda's words. No anger, no hatred. Quinn could hear the sternness in the panda's voice, but it was not laced with cruelty. Thinking back, Quinn remembered other times when Shanda had spoken to her like that. Now that she was really listening, the raccoon suddenly felt sad. She suddenly really wanted this spanking, to make up for all the grief that she put Shanda through. "Oui, Maman." She said, switching to Cajun once more. It really seemed fitting to speak it in this moment. With that, Quinn put her face down and waited.

A quiet pause filled the room. Shanda knew that the time for words had passed and there were no more delays. She placed her hand down on Quinn's back. Not too hard, but just firm enough to let her know to stay put. Then, after breathing a silent prayer, Shanda lifted her other hand up off of Quinn's bottom and brought it back down with a sharp 'smack', right on the center of the child's rear.

Quinn gasped, her bottom clenched slightly. Shanda gave her a moment and then spanked her left cheek. A second pause and then she laid a spank on the right. She settled into a slow, steady rhythm, spanking from side to side, covering all of here child's rear. Slowly, Shanda felt her confidence with spanking Quinn begin to grow.

Quinn, for the most part, had been quiet, with only little gasps and slight grunts from each spank with a louder yelp when both her cheeks were struck. She was slightly proud of herself for taking this like a big girl. But has the sting began to rise, Quinn found herself getting louder.

The spanking was starting to hurt! Quinn knew it wouldeventually. Her friends had told her it would. She even tried to whack herself a few times with her hand to see what it could be like. But those taps were nothing compared to the mounting sting that was getting more and more painful with each swat!

She was starting to squirm a little. Her toes were digging into the bedspread. And her 'take-it-like-a-big-girl' attitude was starting to give way to the urge to cover her backside. The girl buried her face in her arms, trying to hold on and stifle her moans.

Despite Quinn's effort, Shanda heard every one. Yet while it was hard to hear her little girl yelping under her hand, for some reason deep down she knew she had to keep going. It was strange, but she sensed that there was something more that both she and Quinn needed from this, something that could not be found in words. And they were not there yet. Following this sudden instinct, Shanda pressed down a little firmer on her child's back and spanked her the way she needed to be spanked.

I should be crying by now, thought Quinn. She hated to cry. Most of Quinn's young life had been in tears. First from all the abuse she suffered under Trixie, and then from her hating herself because of her estranged birth mother. She did not know what good were tears anyway. All they ever did for her was to egg Trixie on more to hurt her.

But then she was told that crying wasn't wrong or annoying. Her doctor said so. Her Daddy said so. Mama Terri had said so. And then from the very person who was spanking her at that moment.

Still Quinn had taught herself to not cry. Not if she could help it, which was slowly changing with each smack to her bottom. She could no longer stay still nor keep silent. Each smack caused her to yelp out loud. Her legs twisted in time with her mommy's hand on her rear, kicking the bed and at times wrapping around each other.

Quinn's eyes were tearing up. But she felt...stuck, confused. She wanted to cry. She didn't want to cry. She wanted the spanking to stop. She didn't want the spanking to stop. And through all that, her tears would not fall!

She started to get frustrated. Her emotions began to boil inside of her until finally, BANG! It happened so fast that she could not stop herself. A bubble of anger came out of nowhere and Quinn just exploded. "Stop it!!!" she yelled, falling into a tantrum. "STOP IT!! STOP IT!! STOP IT!! DAMMIT!!! STOP IT!!!"

Shanda's hand stopped in mid-air! "What was that?" Quinn froze, suddenly fearing that she just went too far. Shanda lowered her hand onto the child's bottom. "Carole Quinn Sabatier," she spoke in a firm voice. My full name! Not good, Quinn thought, remembering the stories her friends had told her about what happens when a parent calls out your full name, especially during a spanking! "Did I just hear what I thought I just heard?"

For a second, Quinn hesitated in answering. If this had been Trixie, she would have denied everything. But this was not Trixie. Even spanking her, Shanda had not been mean to her. She could not lie to her. Not her real mommy! Stoking up her courage, Quinn answered. "Yes, Mommy," she said trying not to cringe. Or at least not show it too much. "I'm sorry!"

Shanda rubbed her child's trembling bottom softly. It's very warm, she noted. She wished that this could be over and done with. But she knew that they were not finished just yet. Quinn's outburst could not go unchallenged.

"I know you're sorry, Sweetie," she said with a tenderness that took Quinn completely by surprise. So used to being chewed out, she was expecting more of the same. It felt very good to know she was wrong. "Ok, Sweetie," Shanda continued. "I won't punish you for what you said, this time. But please, even though I know it's hard, try not to do it again." She gave Quinn a little rube on her back. "I would hate for you to find out what soap tastes like, trust me!"

The young raccoon quickly realized just what Shanda was implying. "Ewwww! Yuck!"

Shanda smiled. "Yep. It's something like that." Quinn had turned around and Shanda saw the surprised look on her face. "Yes," she acknowledged the unspoken question. "About around your age, too," she recalled Mama Bruin's remedy for a young foul mouth. But then her face became serious once more. "Ok, Sweetie. It's time for us to finish this."

Quinn put her face back down. "Oui, Maman," she said into the bedspread. Once again Shanda began to spank her daughter, this time a little firmer than before. Quinn gasped, taken by surprise. Her mom's hand stung more than the last time and it was getting worse with each swat. Quicker than before, she found herself squirming across her mother's lap.

Moments later, Quinn could no longer hide her face in her arms. Each swat brought a louder yelp from her lips as she struggled to keep quiet. It was a short struggle. Shanda knew what she needed to do. Her palm sped up. Quinn' eyes went wide! The burn on her rear was too much.

She did not know when it happened, but Quinn found herself crying her eyes out as her legs kicked and struck the bed. Shanda, reluctantly, did not let up. They needed this. Somehow, in some unknown parent knowledge, she knew that they both needed this. And Quinn, for all of her struggles, all of her tears, never once tried to run off of Shanda's lap and not once begged her to stop.

The moment was brief. In a short time, Quinn burned herself out. She lay sobbing across mother's lap, no longer fighting against her spanking. Shanda realized that it was now the right time to end it. With a few more hard swats, she brought Quinn's first (hopefully last, she prayed!)spanking to an end.

For a time the only sound in the room was of Quinn crying. Shanda did not try to move her. She felt a little worried that her daughter did not seem to know that her spanking was over. "Quinn," she whispered softly, gently rubbing the child's shaking shoulders. "Sweetie?"

The little raccoon stirred, looking up. Shanda did not wait another second. Carefully she scooped up her girl, letting her head lay on her chest, cradling her as Quinn wrapped her arms around her as far as she could. There were so many feelings running through both their heads that neither knew where to begin. But for that moment nothing else mattered but the feel of each other, as mother and daughter.

They stayed that way for a time. Quinn softly crying, holding on to Shanda as tightly has she could. Shanda stroking Quinn's hair, tears in her own eyes for having to spank her daughter, practice or not. And while now she knew that she was capable of doing it, she truly hoped that she would never have to.

"It's ok, Sweetie," Shanda cooed to her little girl. "It's all over now. Mommy is not mad at you." To her surprise, Shanda noticed that Quinn seem to snuggle up against even more at those words. She couldn't help but smile. For all that they had been through together, this was the first time that Quinn seemed more relaxed than she had ever been before. The irony that the spanking had something to do with this, that it may have really helped in some way was not lost to her.

"Are you ok, Sweetie?" It was a strange thing to ask, Shanda felt, giving what she had just done. But it was the only thing she could think of asking.

Quinn sighed. "Um hmm." She seemed to be quite comfortable where she was with one exception. "My bottom a little sore," she giggled, remembering that she was still bare bottomed. "But I'm ok."

Shanda let out a silent breath! She had feared the worst. "Well, Sweetie, now that you know what it feels like, do you want to me to keep doing this?"

Quinn thought for a moment, enjoying how comfortable she was feeling right then. "Yes, Mommy." She had opened her, staring at nothing. "It hurts, but it's better than what Mama Trixie used to do." Her eyes felt a bit heavy. "I hope that doesn't make you sad?"

"No," Shanda gave Quinn a hug. "It's alright, Sweetie. I guess its part of what it means to be a mommy." She buried her nose into Quinn's hair. "The hardest part, I think." She reached down to pull up Quinn's underwear." Let's just make sure it's not a regular part. Deal!"

"Deal!" yawned Quinn.

"Sleepy, Sweetie?" Shanda asked. Quinn nodded. She really was getting sleepy. She had been since she had stopped crying and was just lying on her mommy. She then remembered that one of her friends had said that sometimes you do get sleepy after a spanking. I guess she was right, thought Quinn.

"Ok. Well how about you take a nap and we'll talk about this later. Before your dad comes home."

Quinn yawned once more. "That sounds ok." She crawled off of Shanda's lap and stretched herself across her bed. Facedown, Shanda noticed. But Quinn didn't seem bothered by that, so she left it alone. In a few minutes the child fell asleep.

Shanda headed back downstairs. She had her own thoughts to figure out too. She knew that being a mother would be fun and would be hard. She just never imagined that it could this hard!

But, after all, Quinn seemed alright. She even seemed better for having to go through it. Even Shanda herself felt different. Like this was some rite of passage that she just went through. She had been changed, and it did feel like a good change. She felt a little closer to Quinn. And hoped that if this had to happen more times in the future, they would be few and far between.

++++++++

Later that evening, Quinn was on the phone. "Well," she said," I did it.'

"How did it go?" a girl's voice asked.

"It did hurt a bit more than I thought. But it's ok." She admitted. "But I didn't tell Mom. She was already nervous. And if I said something she wouldn't do it again."

The voice laughed! "Not my Mom! I guess she got it from Grandma, cause she did it so easily!"

Now Quinn started to laugh. "More bad for you!"

"You too!" countered the girl. "Especially if I have to babysit you anytime soon."

"Hmmph!" Quinn sounded indignant. "I am not a baby! I am eight years old!"

"Well you'll sound eight months old if I have to give spank you."

Now that sounded like a challenge. "Yeah right! Anyway, I have to go. Thanks for all the help, Penny."

On the other end of the line, Penny Sabatier, Quinn's panda cousin, smiled, rubbing a bottom that had recently been visited by a hairbrush. "Anytime Quinn. Good night!"

The End