Dear Diary...
Dear Diary...
What would you have done if you were in love? What would you do in order to obtain the person that you really wanted? How could you actually do it? Through force or subtlety? What can be done? So many questions would pop up one by one into your head but yet, you do not have an answer for every single one of these conundrum.
I do not know myself. Who am I? To another person...? How can a one sided love turn into something so different and yet, so similar?
Again I ask, who am I to him?
Once or a few times, we meet up together and have fun. Talk about stuff, see things eye to eye and even laugh at something that's out of the ordinary and yet, we do not have anything in common. You have interest in subjects that I'm not well verse about and I have interest that you're not knowledgeable but every single fucking time we spent together... it as if we were meant to be. However, I know more than to believe in some fuck shit fantasy. It's just all in my head.
You are mated with somebody else that I know off. I do not deny that. Sure, I'm jealous in one way or the other and probably thought what a lucky bastard the other guy is but he's not here. James, as I would love to call you by name, your mate, is far off on the other side of the world. True in some ways that you're both interconnected with each other but does he know about the problems that you're facing? Does he know why you're angry at somebody? Does he even fucking know that your heart aches and anger burns within whenever you see this troublemaker?
No, he does not.
The person that constantly hurt you is your enemy and yet, in order to keep peace between you and him, you do not let your anger out. That's one thing that I honestly like about you, James. You're patient and soft, too soft for your own good and honestly, somebody needs to take a stand for you so you do not hurt yourself. I am more than willing to take this stand... a stand for you... even though it might ruin something beautiful.
"He doesn't know about it." Gray told me. "You know about his problem behind his back and I'm just telling you about it. If anything were to happen, at least, you could help James back up."
Those were the words of my dear friend Gray. Gray... my dear friend... or could I possibly say, a friend with much more benefits than just any normal friend. You showed me stuff that I didn't know from before and it was an eye opener to hear your stories. And most of your stories would revolve around him, the person that I wanted to express my love to.
As I walked into the market alone, patrons were busy purchasing necessity items for their daily livelihood. I was on duty to get some groceries for mum and that was when I got a phone call. Despite the vibrant crowd with mixed shouts and chants from everywhere, I was able to get into a conversation.
"Hey, how are you?" It was Gray.
"Hey! Yeah, I'm fine here." I walked upright to the corner of the shops, leaning against the wall to escape from the crowd. My fluffy tail swished back and forth with ease and I actually tried to act cool in public. "What's up?"
"Yeah, hey. It's nothing much. Just wanted to call and asked how things are."
Wow, mindless chats. I like that. Don't get me wrong but talking about nothing is actually fun. You could call me a geek or some sort but that's how things are in my life. I'm a weird person to understand but is there any way to describe what I am? Again I ask... who am I? The easiest answer to that would be a snow leopard of a geek. I wore glasses that are squarely shaped and garments that were probably bought from the dollar store.
Eventually, our talks started to churn into something more solid, material, something that would change my life and perspective forever.
"I have a secret and I think that I should tell you. You're one of my most trusted friends out there and I feel... that it would be safe to tell you about it."
That got my attention. "Um... yeah, sure. What's up?"
"See... the thing is..." There was a moment of silence and I swear to god, for a moment there, I thought my phone just died. "I... James and I are together."
Whoa! Wait... what? James? And him? How could that be! I mean... James! The guy that I would love to have him in my arms personally, the person that made me happy and sad, both at the same time. That same particular fella? You're joking, right? Please tell me that you're joking...
"You're kidding, right?"
"Chris, I'm not kidding. James asked if I wanted to be with him... and I said yes."
At the point on, my whole world shattered into a million pieces of memories. My personal memories and joy about the time spent between both of these people came flooding back to me like a tidal wave crushing anything that's within its path. I couldn't find my voice at all. I stared absentmindedly into space but had a good grip on to my phone. His voice was calling out to me but I ignored it for a moment.
"Chris? You there?"
In the end, I was back to reality. "Y-Yeah... I'm here. You're sure about this?"
"Yes I am."
"But what about James boyfriend? Isn't he supposed to be his?"
"Yeah... actually. They still are together but you have to know something. James hasn't seen him for about two years or so and he's never around. He's off to work in another country and what more would you want from him? Honestly, I sympathize with the situation that's he's in. Every single day, he's mentally tortured by his roommate."
Yes, the troublemaker would be his roommate. I won't go into details as per the situation since that would take another long while and at the moment, my heart isn't in it anyways. I clenched on to my phone as hard I could while the other balled up, anger welled from within. We talked a bit more, a whole lot more about other stuff and finally, I did confess my feelings for James as well.
Great, a stupid love triangle that I've landed myself in. Life is just horrible, period. Why would life be such a bitch to me and not to the guy that's just beside me?
"Oh... I see... I'm sorry..." Gray apologize.
I inhaled slowly. "It's alright. I may love him but he loves you more than me. We may see each other a whole lot but know this, he wants you more."
"...you sound disappointed..." Gray had to continue.
"W-ell... I'll be lying if I said that I'm not jealous or disappointed but yes, I am. I am of both but hey, I can't do anything about it, right? Sure, it's going to be heartbreaking but what more could I do about it? It's his choice. I just hope that you treat him well enough."
"Chris, please, don't take this the wrong way but - "
"Gray! Stop. It's alright," by now, I had to break a weak smile, for no one, "I'm happy as long as he's happy. Believe you me, when he's happy, I am too."
After that phone conversation, my perspective on how the three of us would hang out has changed completely. Whenever we went out, I felt like I'm going to be the insignificant person here. Both of you guys talked and wondered happily and from behind, I was pathetically jealous about it. Sure, on occasions, I was left behind the trail but I managed to get into ear shots. Every single conversation that they made, I would want in. No matter how trivial they are, I just want to be in.
Sometimes, I hold on to your paw and gripped, smiling at you and you did the same. We still joke around as usual but you just don't know what's happening in my heart. You're completely oblivious to it and I do not blame you. For example, just a few days ago, I was driving both of us back to your place and I made a funny about something. You laughed and called me silly and yet... you actually claimed that I was cute.
"That seriously doesn't look like what it was last time!" I claimed.
"How can you think of such thing?" He chuckled back at me. "That's just silly and cute."
Whoa wait, did he just call me cute? I looked at him and he continued to chuckle and smile back at me. Yeah, he called me cute. Gods... when those words came out of your mouth, you have no idea how much I've wanted to hear them. You actually called me cute! I couldn't show my joy and pride at that comment but know this; my heart nearly skipped a beat and had to turn to a façade of happy inside, expressionless outside. James... you just don't know how much that meant to me.
That was the happiest moment and memories of both you and me, I'll cherish and hold on to those forever. Your smile and patience is just what I needed in my life. That's the sweet part about being with you and yet, there's the bitter part. I hated bitter; never really took a fancy with that. Have you guys ever eaten bitter gourd before? It's horrible and taste just the same as its name. Literally bitter.
On that night, when the three of us were together again, hanging out at your place, watching some videos about... something... don't ask me, I just don't know, you snuggled closely to Gray. I saw what both of you guys did, I'm not stupid and each occasional glance that I stole made my heart shatter into even smaller pieces. Fuck... both of you were actually snuggling together while holding paws and I was in the very same room, watching the very same show!
At first, I wouldn't want to believe reality but this is the truth. I cannot live in a fantasy world any longer. I cannot have you to be with me and instead, you chose somebody else. You chose Gray and not me. What does he have that I don't, huh? Please, tell me, I would do my level best to change the way or look of what I am. But just... looking down as both of your paws tickled and dwindled together like cute little lovers, it made my heart quell. Each curve and movement from those paws enticed me even further to just shout out loudly to him, 'I love you!' but I just can't.
As I want to say the very same thing again. Who... am... I...? Who am I to you, James. Turning back to reality once more, I am just merely a friend for you, a great and loyal friend who would do anything to gain your love, respect and gratitude. Gods... you have no idea how hard it was to stay in the same room as both of you are. I just had to leave the room immediately to let both of you to share your passionate intimacy. Two is a couple while three is a crowd and I'm definitely a crowd.
Fuck.... Why him... why not me...
I was left alone later on. I cried... I looked back at the times that we spent, the night that I was about to cuddle up to you but just didn't have the courage to, I wasted my opportunity but please... could I do that with you? To spend one night of passion and snuggles, to have you all to myself for a day and night. I know that it's only a night and one night don't really mean anything but this, to me, is something precious that I would want to hold on to. I want a simple kiss, I want hug, I want your companionship but most of all, I want you.
Again... the word must sink into my mind: reality. This is reality. You do not love me as much as I wanted to love you. A one sided love isn't healthy for anyone and I do agree. However, I shall love you from afar and in secret. I may be a nobody but you are a somebody, to me.
A/N: Personal thoughts.