Ghosts
It's the way the sun shines off the snow that really strikes me. This small lake of p...
It's the way the sun shines off the snow that really strikes me. This small lake of pavement hasn't really changed since then, from the faded yellow lines tracing its surface to the weathered and frozen trees surrounding it. The sun itself is falling toward the horizon, the same way it does every day, all year round. It's that glow of fading white light on the ground, between the distorted shadows of the city, that brings back the moment.
The young people passing by spare me a glance from time to time. I've changed a lot since I lived here, but they certainly haven't. They walk past in their stylishly ragged clothing, most with bags slung over their shoulders headed off toward some college night class. I suppose I look a little out of place to them, a lone coyote staring out toward the busy street from the middle of the parking lot, untouched by obligation or restlessness.
It's hard to believe it's already been four years since I lived that life, nearly seven since the day I find held in the shimmering banks of snow. I've recalled that memory hundreds of times. I suppose in all those recollections the details wore thin, like threads on a beloved set of clothes. The sun and the snow give back those details once again, as though they've been waiting here all this time for me.
With a sigh and a bit of a smile, I stuff a paw into my jacket and pull out my cell phone. I stare at it for a moment, rolling phrases over and over in my head, none of them seeming quite right. The longer I think about it the more foolish it seems, but with the memories fresh in my mind once again, I can't help it. When I raise my eyes up to the sparsely-populated lot, I can still see a smiling Doberman standing there, waiting for me.
I pick Aaron's name out of the list and, one letter at a time, I send him my message.
* * *
When the call finally came, I lunged so hastily for the phone that I actually knocked it off the table. My heart hammered against my ribs as I swiped at the handset, salvaging the situation as quickly as possible. My paws were even shaking just a bit when I held it up to my ear.
"Hello?"
"Hey, I'm here."
"I'll be right down," I said and more carefully returned the handset to its cradle. I snatched my keys from my desk and dashed out of the room without pausing for anything else.
It took twenty flights of stairs just to get down to ground level, but it was faster than waiting for the elevator. I was panting a little by the time I made it to the outside door, though I did my best to hide it. Only a short jog around the corner of my red-brick building and I'd be there. I'd finally see him, for the first time.
I slowed to a quick walk as I rounded the corner, wagging my muzzle to either side as I searched the lot. The glare of the sun reflecting off the soft mounds of snow made it difficult to see. I passed right over him twice before I saw him.
The moment our eyes met was surreal. It wasn't as though I'd never seen him before; we chatted on webcam now and then, he'd sent me pictures. None of that could compare to meeting face-to-face. That contact was the moment he became real to me.
He was wearing a pair of tight blue jeans and a black winter jacket that complimented his fur well. He stood waiting for me, leaning only slightly on his less-than-new silver car. His ears were perked up in my direction, cropped in the traditional Doberman fashion.
"Aaron!" I called to him, and he waved at me. I could see the familiar smile painted on his muzzle from where I was, but his eyes locked with mine like no picture could do. I found myself jogging towards him, tail flagging out behind me. My heart was struggling to keep up with my excitement, pounding at my throat.
"Hey," he called back with a light chuckle.
His voice brought a second shock of reality to me; a familiar sound from the outside brought into my world. He was so close, only a few more moments and I'd be able to touch him, to hold him as I'd promised I would.
The walk seemed to take forever. The silence after our greetings hung awkwardly in the air, waiting for the gap to close enough to continue. My eyes never left him, though his wandered around the scenery. All of this was new to him; only he was new to me.
As I finished my approach, Aaron opened his arms, and I fell into them. My paws clutched at the back of his jacket and his encircled me completely. My head rested snugly under his muzzle. We stayed locked together for a while, rocking slightly side to side, both our tails wagging eagerly.
"Good to see you pup," he murmured into my ear.
I hummed happily in response, and nuzzled his neck a bit.
Eventually we parted, though I could have stayed there for hours longer. We stood, nose to nose, grinning at each other. My paws were still resting just above his hips and his were around my shoulders. I caught the occasional passerby staring in our direction from time to time, but paid them no mind. I'd long since stopped caring who took issue with my sexuality, though I would admit it was a bit different to experience so directly.
Aaron bumped his nose gently against mine. "So, you wanna give me a hand bringing my things inside?"
"Yeah," I answered. "Just..."
Another awkward pause. I couldn't figure out how to say what I wanted to say, and every moment I spent trying flushed more blood to my face.
Aaron was waiting, ears perked, still grinning.
To hell with it, I thought. I closed my eyes and pressed my muzzle forward.
It was my first kiss, and even though I remember it fondly, it was a tremendous disappointment. I mashed my nose against his, my tongue clumsily thrust against his sharp teeth.
Aaron saw it coming. He received my attack gracefully, tilting his muzzle to his left and gently meeting my tongue with his own. He let me linger there for a moment, exploring what little of his pointed muzzle that I could, before he politely pulled away. He gave my nose a playful bump with his and smiled.
"Sorry," I half-mumbled. I had no idea what I'd just done, but I was pretty sure it wasn't a respectable kiss.
"You're adorable," he replied. "Care to invite me inside so I can teach you how it's done?"
I laughed. It wasn't just his voice that made him so familiar and comforting. I swear I could have seen his trademark colon-capitol-P following those words, I could see it in his expression. This was my Aaron, my loving Doberman, in my world at last.
"I can't wait," I told him, and slung a heavy backpack over my shoulder. I set off toward my building, my love walking beside me, through the paved fields of sun and snow.
* * *
I'm standing at the spot where we kissed for the first time.
I stare at the message, glowing on my cell phone's display. I feel downright foolish. Aaron isn't going to remember that day the way I remember it now. I've always been far more nostalgic than he has anyway.
Still, I tap the send key with a claw and snap the phone shut. I had to say it, and that was that.
I slowly follow the path we took back then, a simple stroll around the corner of the building. I'm hardly keeping pace with my former self, though. Where I was once rushed, impassioned, intoxicated by the thrill of young romance, now I simply walk. I let the scenery become familiar to me once more.
Memory is a wonderful thing. Maybe it's just my sentimental mind, but with every scene my eyes take in there are echoes of sounds ringing in my pointed ears. Phantom smells fill my lungs: spring rain and wet fur as I splash through rippling puddles, cheap barbecue in the crisp autumn air, the noxious sting of melting tar and asphalt in the summer heat. Even in the freezing stillness of winter, I still feel the memory of hot sun baking my fur.
I find myself wondering as I round the sharp brick corner just what makes these memories. Some of the things I remember most seemed to be unimportant at the time. Some still do; nothing more than a space in time with a greater will to live than the rest. These are moments that cling to me relentlessly while others are left behind in the past. They follow me of their own accord, bearing their own weight, keeping me company on my journey.
Some memories I've kept with me all this way, though they drag along and pull me backwards in time, longing only to be left behind and forgotten.
Around front, there's a lone maple tree that would look majestic were it not overshadowed by the towering University residence building. I remember many times I took a good book and sat underneath it for hours on a nice cool day. In light of the snow and ice, today I just stand and lean against the trunk.
Through the bare, leafless branches powdered with snow, I can still see that tenth-story window that used to be mine. I let out another sigh, breath smoking in the air, as more memories come back to me from that window.
I remember the day I moved in. The room was clean, and empty. There was a letter sitting on my new standard imitation-wood desk welcoming me to my new home. I read the entire thing, forgetting for a moment that I was only halfway through moving in. When I was done, I turned to my side and set my paws on the windowsill. I watched the mess of people below and the wind bending the trees from ten floors up.
I remember the first time I stayed up until the night gave way to an autumn sunrise, shining in on my tired muzzle through the window. The light forced me to realize I'd been playing Realms of Glory since the sun fell thirteen hours earlier. Before I threw myself with dramatic disgust into my bed, however, I recall pausing to stare out at the sunrise and enjoying a natural wonder I missed almost every day.
I remember the time I bought a coconut on a whim, and spent half an hour trying to crack it open with a hammer. The fraction of the milk I salvaged was gritty and disappointing.
These memories are the ones that come unbidden in a flash of nostalgia while I stare up at my window. The day I've been reliving doesn't come back to me until my musing mind tugs it to the foreground.
I remember...
* * *
I threw myself against Aaron's chest as soon as we got to my room, hugging him as hard as I could manage. We stayed that way for far too long, silent. I simply couldn't find words to express feelings I couldn't even understand, so I just clutched at his jacket and drew in slow, shivering breaths.
Aaron just held me. I still wonder now and then if he felt anything like what I did at that moment.
Eventually we broke apart. I looked into his eyes, and he looked into mine, and we both just smiled a bit. That only lasted for a moment before the silence became unbearable.
"So, you were going to teach me something?" I did my best to sound sexy, and touched my nose to his.
Aaron smirked at me. "Not for free, of course."
"What'll it cost me?" I remember thinking right then would be a good time to sneak in a quick kiss, if I weren't so afraid of screwing it up. Instead I just stood, wagging slowly and doing my best to maintain what I hoped was a seductive expression.
"Find me some food once we're done, and I'll call it even." Aaron nuzzled forwards, brushing just the tip of his square, sleek muzzle against the left side of mine.
I twitched like he'd given me a static shock, and my eyes closed for a moment. "I can do that," I mumbled, and returned the nuzzling motion, brushing my snout against his stubby canine whiskers. The feeling was new to me, and it felt surprisingly intimate.
Aaron didn't offer anything further except more affection. His muzzle rubbed against mine from every side, underneath my jaw and above. I caught the occasional flick of his tongue tickling my jowls now and then.
I did my best to mimic his exact motions. A dip of the nose here and a discrete lick there. "So when do we start?" I asked, being so bold as to punctuate the question with a gentle nip.
"This is it." Aaron took my nip in stride, and raised the bar with a long lick up my chin. He lingered a moment at the end, and I managed to delicately tease his raspy tongue with my own before he moved to a new spot further down my jaw line. "Just start small and do what feels good."
I hummed out something like 'mmf' in response. By that point I was getting quite a bit into our game of nuzzles and had thankfully stopped thinking so much. Aaron licked my ear, so I bit his neck. He raked his teeth over my nose, so I stuck my tongue between them.
At some point, it stopped mattering what we did to each other so long as we kept doing it. Our tails were thumping against the walls we were wagging so hard, our claws were digging into each other and we were pressed together so tightly we were almost losing balance. I tried to maneuver us towards my bed, but just wound up stumbling on one of our jackets and nearly tearing a piece out of one of Aaron's ears.
We broke for just a moment, both of us panting, and made hastily for the bed. I realized then that I'd had my eyes closed since the first brush of fur and whiskers. I only caught a brief glimpse of him sitting down on the edge of my bed, arms held out to welcome me between them. I practically threw myself at him, knocking us both back onto my bed. My eyes closed again as, with a full-muzzle locking of our jaws, the 'lesson' resumed.
With some awkward on-the-fly changes in position, Aaron wound up on top of me, his sharp fangs and rough tongue attacking my neck and muzzle. I slid my paws down his sides to his waist, letting my claws drag through his thin, sleek fur.
An approving growl rumbled from his throat while Aaron moved his assault down towards my shoulders. After another moment of shuffling about, his paws tugged at my jeans and quickly worked them undone.
I pressed myself upwards toward his chest, giving him room to work the constricting denim off my body. I slipped my right paw around to tug the button undone on his and together we shuffled our way out of our last scrap of clothing.
Neither of us spoke a word through all of this, though the room was filled with breathy panting and the occasional grunt or growl. Once we finally pressed our naked bodies together for the first time, some new sounds were added to that symphony.
When I felt Aaron's paw return between my legs, brush softly across my balls, and tease my halfway-exposed shaft from its sheath, I let out a quiet squeaking noise instead of the moan I was aiming for. If a brush of the muzzle felt like static shock, this was like being struck by lightning. I immediately pressed my hips forward against my Doberman's paw, fully hard in seconds.
Aaron seemed to find my noises amusing. He grazed my chin with his teeth and chuckled. "Beats phone sex, hmm?"
I chuckled. We'd attempted 'phone' sex over the internet once before, but eventually broke down laughing and went back to text. That recollection broke the mood a little, but I gave Aaron a few licks on his ears and before long he had me moaning properly.
Even though I was completely awash with pleasure as Aaron's paws worked between my legs, I couldn't help being even more aware than ever of my situation. I found myself in a cycle: the more I tried to silence the thousands of intruding thoughts and worries, the louder they became. I remember wondering if Aaron still found me attractive in person. I worried he wasn't enjoying himself, positioned as he was with his plump sheath just out of my reach. I worried about how I might bring up the subject of protection, if I even had the guts to. All this while those velvety paws stroked up, and down, over my steadily leaking shaft.
Aaron shuffled forwards, and as his thighs slid around my rear, I felt his balls rest against my own. His paws worked quickly for a moment, and I gasped and clutched my sheets. I felt him slide a bit lower, those balls touching the underside of my tail, and his wet tip slipping a bit lower.
I slid upwards, shying away from his probing shaft, and let out a quiet whimper. I didn't want him inside me unprotected. We'd even talked about it beforehand, and he had agreed with me. Still, he chased me forwards, once again pressing towards his target.
"Wait," I breathed, a sting of mental pain hitting me for ruining the moment. "Aren't you gonna..." I panted for a moment longer, my pleading eyes cracking open and meeting his, hoping he wouldn't make me actually say it.
Aaron didn't retreat. His tip slipped upward, resting under my balls for a moment, and he leaned down to nuzzle me some more. "C'mon pup, you know I'm clean. You haven't been sleeping around, have you?"
"No." I squirmed some more, feeling a bit offended. "I just... I dunno."
Aaron's stiff length slipped downwards again. I danced away the tiny bit I could, and he followed. He let out a heavy sigh into my ear. "Let me feel you pup, please, just this once."
I couldn't respond. Images of high-school propaganda fluttered through my mind, hundreds of warnings constructed for this exact moment. Still, I felt Aaron breathing with my paws on his chest, and I felt his need pushing between my legs. I would have given anything right then for another way out, some way to not ruin the experience for us both.
Aaron didn't give me time to think of one. With a quick glance, I caught him slicking down his length with his paw. The next thing I knew, I felt it push into me.
The damage was done, and I felt another tangle of emotions trip over themselves in my mind. I was relieved to have the decision over with. This was what I really wanted, and Aaron saved me from my own resistance from it. Of course, in the tangle was a darker thread of pain and anger. For a brief moment as he entered me, I honestly hated him. Of our entire night together, the memory of that feeling would remain the most vivid for years to come.
Emotion was quickly thrown aside. I clenched my jaws and sucked in a breath as Aaron pushed farther in, and an incredible pain blossomed inside me. I dug my claws through his fur into his skin, and just barely squeaked out, "Wait."
That request, Aaron obeyed. He stopped moving altogether, poised halfway inside me while I squeezed around him again and again, trying desperately to get used to the feeling. I'd played around under my tail before, but not with anything respectably large. It took probably a full minute just for me to get caught up.
Aaron didn't wait for me to speak again; when my jaws unclenched and my breathing started to come easier, I felt his cock push further inside, and to my surprise I felt his hips press right up against me shortly afterward. The pain was pretty much completely gone. I raised my paw up to my own neglected erection and as I started to stroke myself, I pushed my tail end back towards Aaron for the first time.
Everything after that point began to blur together. Once Aaron got started, he only got more and more aggressive. My rear started to feel like it was on fire after a while - not to mention the rest of me too, trapped as I was under a panting Doberman in my warm room. My paws were sweating as I struggled to keep jerking at myself between our tightly pressed bodies. All the while, that long shaft just kept pounding into me faster and faster.
I actually found myself surprised, as time dragged on, how hard it was for me to get off. It usually only took a few minutes on my own. I had a pretty good grip on myself, I was working as hard as I could and Aaron was hitting all the right spots inside me, but still it had to have been at least fifteen minutes and I felt no closer to climax than the first.
Aaron was a different story. Despite his tremendous endurance in lasting so long, I could tell from his growls and short spurts of furious hip-slapping that he was only moments away. I clenched my jaws again and bent myself slightly into a more liberating position, and with renewed vigor, I started to paw at myself so hard I thought I'd sprain something. By the time I was getting close, though, it was already too late for my romantic finish.
Aaron let out a series of sharp breaths, and I felt a vague warmth flood into me, so faint it might have been my imagination. I was whimpering and writhing underneath him, but with his sudden drop in speed, I felt my climax delayed. I whined, forcing my paw even faster and holding my breath.
He must have known I was close. He pulled himself halfway out of me, just enough that he could bend down to take me into his muzzle. As much as I longed to know what that felt like, I was too far gone to stop. I thrust out towards him with my free paw to warn him, but I was too late. With his manly black muzzle poised inches away, I shot my load across his nose and down the side of his snout.
Aaron recoiled at first, a strange expression on his face as he curled his tongue around to try to clean my spunk off. All the while, I lay there painting my thick chest fur with the rest, moaning louder than I ever had before. I was a few seconds past finished before Aaron came down once more, and I just held myself while I slid between his jaws, along his tongue.
The after-the-fact teasing was pleasant, but it didn't last nearly long enough. After a minute or so, Aaron excused himself to go use my bathroom. I mumbled some sort of incoherent assent, still relaxing in the warm tail-pain of a good hump.
Those few moments alone I remember well. I opened my eyes once again, and glanced down at my white-streaked paw, then the rest of my body. I was a pretty incredible mess - fur matted every which way, streaks of cum sprayed across it. I was immersed in a kind of afterglow I'd never experienced before, but at the same time I felt confused. Seeing myself such a mess felt... disturbing.
I took a moment trying to mull over exactly what I'd just let happen to me. It felt good of course, more so than anything I'd ever experienced. Still, the way it all happened left me feeling almost cheated. Violated, even.
* * *
I let out another smoking breath, and watched it dissipate into the darkening, frosty air. Though I can't see it for the towering buildings of the city, I imagine that the sun is setting right about now. I shiver a little, not just from the cold.
The recollection of that night in bed still brings back a thread of anger from that instant of betrayal. Through all the years that have passed, the feeling still refuses to leave me. I want to forget it altogether, but try as I might, it sticks in my mind. I've wondered more than once if things might have been different if it weren't for that.
I stuff my paw back into my jacket and pull out my cell phone once more, flipping it open in some compulsive need to check for a response from Aaron. I would have heard it beep if it had received something, but I check my inbox nevertheless.
Before I close the phone, though, I call up my outbox and open the message I'd sent only a few minutes ago.
I'm standing at the spot where we kissed for the first time.
The words stare out at me, seeming strange and unfamiliar. I imagine for a moment what kind of response I might get, but I stop myself before I get carried away on that line of thought.
With a sigh that stems more out of habit than any particular feeling, I jam the phone back into my jacket pocket and leave my place under my tree.
More memories come streaming back to me in no particular order as I walk. I remember the restaurant we ate at that night. I remember the first time he made me dinner at his house, over a year later. I remember the times he stopped by for just a few hours on his way through my city and how, through all the pleasantries and business, we'd always manage to squeeze some sex in.
I remember fights, too. I don't dwell on those any more than I must, to avoid getting worked up all over again. There were times our disputes got settled to the satisfaction of us both. There were times I remember gritting my teeth, swishing my tail angrily, and resolving to let it go. Those ones I never forget, though I try to put them to rest every time they come up. It's hard to forget saying you're wrong when you're right.
I see my car parked in the lot as I round the corner again, dusted with a bit of snow, looking like it belongs there. I stride towards it slowly, a force from the past holding me back. There's one more memory left that refuses to be ignored.
As I walk, I find myself falling into the steps of a shadow seven years gone.
* * *
I walked in perfect step next to Aaron. My tail hung low and my ears were nearly flat. In just a few minutes, he would be gone once more. It would be months before we met again, at least.
Aaron opened the driver's side door and tossed his backpack onto the passenger's seat. Then he turned to me and our eyes locked for a good long moment. I honestly felt like I might cry.
"One night wasn't long enough," I told him.
"I know, pup, I know," he answered, and pulled me into the longest hug of my life.
I held him tight and we rocked side to side a little. I managed to wag a bit, even though my heart was aching. He held my head underneath his muzzle, wagging slowly with me. I clutched my paws at first around his chest, and then slid them down to grip around the base of his tail.
Aaron growled quietly and wagged harder. "I'll come visit you again soon, I promise."
"I know," I answered. My paws slid a little further and gripped the base of his wagging tail. I smiled a bit. "I'm so glad your parents didn't dock you," I mumbled, mostly for want of something to say.
"Me too." He gave my cheek a lick. "Just wish they'd left my ears alone too."
"Oh come on, I think you look hot with pointy ears." I smiled for real then, reaching only one paw up to trace the outline of one of those points. The other paw I left gripping his rear, of course.
"Well you do too," he said, then he licked one of them. I flicked it reflexively and wagged some more.
That was it. We both came to an unspoken agreement that we were out of words to say. I knew he had to leave. I knew that every second I stole from him then came out of his sleep that night before work. I still would have given anything for another conversation to steal those seconds with.
"I'll see you next time, pup."
I wanted to say something romantic or witty, but just said, "Yeah."
I stepped back while Aaron got in his car. He gave me one last smile before he closed the door, separating us for weeks to come. I waved and he waved back.
The car pulled out of its space and drove off through the lot, on its way to the highway to take my lover away from me. I stood paralyzed, watching that one silver car move as though it carried a part of my soul away with it. In a sense, I still believe it did.
I stood in that parking lot for a long while after Aaron drove away. I stared out in the direction he'd gone, half-hoping to see him come back for something he forgot. The sun was long since set and the wind was bitingly cold even through my brown jacket.
My eyes watered a bit as I waited there, but I didn't allow a single tear to fall.
When I finally couldn't bear to stand there anymore, I turned and headed for my building. While I walked, I spoke to Aaron one last time.
"I will always love you."
* * *
It's hard for me to believe, now, that I even spoke those words. I was so young, so foolish.
I stand next to my car, staring up at the building I used to live in. It's a strange feeling to think that my old room now belongs to someone else. My bed has been host to countless sexual encounters since mine. Nothing about what Aaron and I had that night was unique. Just one of many times we slept together, many times I slept with others.
What made that night so special that I would, seven years later, be drawn to waste my time wandering around remembering it? The memory sticks to me so strongly that I can feel myself surrounded by the ghosts of our former selves. All these points in time, living on now only in my mind.
I wonder to myself for a moment why we are so cursed to remember our lives. Every day I am pained by ancient memories of loss, thrust this way and that by some instinct born of a mistake long forgotten, driven to relive some lost joy. We are slaves to the past, and through us it builds the future.
Without memory, we might be free of that oppression. We could live each day without remembering it isn't the best we've ever had. We could love without the shadows of lovers past guiding our movements, tying down our hearts and tongues. We could see the world for what it is, without longing for what it no longer has.
Memory is a terrible thing.
My phone beeps. I dig it out of my pocket, and flip it open.
Cool.
That's all Aaron sent. I mentally remind myself that I never expected anything more. We've been apart for years now. He was my first, but I was far from his. His memories of our time together have doubtless faded to vague recollections. I doubt he remembers our first kiss.
I snap the phone shut and sigh, this time with feeling. My eyes sting the slightest bit, but I don't shed a tear.
"I still love you, Aaron," I mutter to myself. I open my car door, sit down inside and close it gently behind me.
"I wish I didn't."