This Is Me Challenge. Dreaming of the future.
I decided to do the who am I challenge for dragon's lair.
Who Am I?
I am longing, loneliness, fear and strength traveling in a single body.
This body of mine, is a body that is riddled with impatience and unhappiness created from endless disappointments.
As I mature they rise up on all sides of me, these endless disappointments.
My expectations of others, beliefs surrounding those in my life had become soiled and warped and it is from these soiled views that the dissapointment rises.
One who I believed to be my protector, the purest of the pure, one of the pair who brought me into this world and gave me life, lived a shadowed life that was hidden from my clouded eyes as a child.
While I playfully nurtured what I believe to be the greatest gift I was ever and will ever be given.. .my mind... he destroyed his with poisons.
Alcohol, drugs, careless choices, they began to add the first few drops to the sea of disappointment I floated upon.
As I grew and my gifted mind matured I was endlessly awestruck by what I found within myself.
Entire worlds sprung from my imagination, music, stories, reason and thoughts.
Never had I been more moved by my own self then when I contemplated the strength of my own mind. Beauty was nothing to me, physical strength, talent, other people's judgment melted away within the endless splendor I found in myself, a splendor I could only tap into when I was alone.
But my gift was a curse, this mind of mine that I loved so dearly, because as I left the days of a childhood I believed to be perfect behind I was forced to step out of the only protection I'd ever known. My own naivety.
I was forced to gaze upon the evils of this world. Forced to realize that the color of my skin would forever play a negative role in my life. Forced to accept that things I had no control over would be used as stones to beat me down.
Forced to see evils and realize that the greatest evil of them all , the one that destroyed the beautiful mind, lived right beside me in my untouchable parent. Forced to see his violence, his anger his lack of interest in his daughter and forced to realize that I feared and loathed my own protector.
And it was then that I first became acquainted with the worst weakness of my life.
A poison, a monster, a killer that came from the one place I believed sacred
my own mind, my inner self.
This monster fed by evils, fed by disappointment and helplessness came at random times, wrapping its unforgiving hands around my neck till I lost my breath, making my pulse pound and my stomach churn with a fear I couldn't see. It stole the warmth from my limbs till my hands were ice and drained the light from my spirit till I could barely stand the world. Its stale breath brought sickness and tears, making everyday activities a chore. When it was there I lamented endlessly and when it was gone I feared its return.
The world called it anxiety, nervousness, panic, and for a while I didn't even recognize that it had a name, but to use those empty words in my opinion is almost insulting to the pain it brought, to the tears it brings even now as I acknowledge its existence. Never had I been betrayed by my own mind, the mind that could tell me stories in an instant that I would have to struggle for years to convey on paper. The mind that pulled in one academic honor after the another was breaking down, destroying itself.
I was alwaysa serious, rational, thoughtful type of person but anxiety went against all reason, to stress over things that could not truly hurt me?
My mind that had effortlessly thought ahead of its age, opened doors for me and impressed those around me now tormented me to the point of physical sickness stemming from the stress. My imagination that I loved I grew to hate.
My father, the source of this panic monster in my eyes worsened it and fell terribly ill, hospitalized with stroke. And it was then that the irrational monster was given even more tools to torture me with , smells of antiseptic, sounds of heart monitors, the sound of my father choking because he could no longer sit up or swallow, hug me, talk to me or walk. The sound of my mother's tears of my own tears, the endless car rides to and from the hospital, the guilt of not wanting to go. Anything tied with the horror of illness riddled me with more anxiety and fear than I had ever felt. To me getting sick was worse then physical injury because it could not be seen untill it tore you apart and the anxiet these thoughts brought eventually left exhausted depression in its wake.
I had always been a solitary person, one who enjoyed others but was happiest on her own. Now it was intensified, I told no one of my struggles and simply wished for nothing but to be away from my home. For me to escape this hell would be freedom, the end of my problems. I dreamt of independence , of not having to rely on people who were flawed. I would be able to rely on myself provide for myself, do for myself.
It is why even in my depression, in my anxiety, my disappointment, my inescapable anger and sadness that I never thought of suicide. Because for me it was always others that brought pain, I never brought evil upon myself, I was so good I was almost ignored in my familly as one they need not concenrn themselves with
.And to some resentful extent I was fine with that.
I never misbehaved, never acted out because I didn't wish to deal with painful consequences that those would bring. I was too flawed in my own arrogance to allow a superior to tell me that I had done wrong, in my eyes wrong doing was weakness and more importantly ignorance and I had had more than enough of that to break many people
So to me to wipe away my own future to kill my self because of the eviI people around me was never an option. I would live on, I would leave them to suffer by themselves and I would be happy .
I would find a mate that would not selfishly demand from me what I refused to and was not ready to give. And once I was gone I believed that they would wish for me back and I would never return and then would they see the error of thier ways.
That would be my revenge , to look down on people who had hurt me, from my future place in life and let them know that all the wrongs they put on me were not enough to keep me down.
But there were and still are years that separate my hopeful future from now, the journey of high school...
These evils,
Sickness,
Death,
Anxiety,
and Abuse,
have matured me far beyond my 15 years. I am a girl with many sides, many tails, a kitsune. I dream of traveling onward, of leaving home once I age. Hope for the future fillls me with an indescribable joy that makes me sing even in the darkness.
I dream of running from these mistakes and of the future because it is all I have. This is me.
Wow well it's a hello of a lot harder to look at your self than one might think....theraputic though ^^
Picking one song to describe me was insanely hard, I absolutely LOVE music all the way to my soul, deep in my bones and with so many sides of myself I really beat myself over the head for this choice but I chose Iridescent by Linkin Park
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gSLV49K81MA&feature=BFp&list=FLtVkjxYZjQkk&index=2
(heheh I Know im cheating but it was tied with Misguided Ghosts by Paramore) I love both so much I could scream :3
I encourage you other peoples to give it a try, write it for yourself more than for others because its really enlightening to talk about yourself without fear of judgement, trust me its a good idea Details are here