This is me... and I'll get back to you on who that is.
This is my submission for the Dragons Lair This is Me-Challenge
Ever looked in the mirror and hated who you saw? Well, in this case there is no mirror, forget about the mirror. Point is, ever hated who you were? Well, I hated who I was becoming. I'm not a bad guy, really, I like opening doors for people, I like helping people, usually the satisfaction that I get from helping someone is enough to get me through what usually is a very boring day. Yes, this another one of those "I wear the mask", I do however promise to steer clear of anything that starts to even read like anything from P.L Dunbar.
Then again this is all about me, so I make no promises. Now back on topic, thing is, I hated who I was turning in to. It simply was not me. I was turning into a bitter, mean, just all around unpleasant person to be around. It drove me insane, I wanted to kick my own ass. I guess I had no one to blame for that but myself. I would love to say that it was everyone else's fault (isn't it always great to place the blame on someone else?) but I never had to let myself become what I had. I could have just as easily let it go. I will admit that after years of verbal abuse at the hands of my classmates and at one point even a teacher, the walls that I put up to stop the hurt, got very worn down, and I was running out of mortar.
It got to a point were I decided "why did I have to take that? Why was I the only one that had to hurt? Why, why did I have to hurt. Who had I wronged in this or any previous life time?". I got angry, and I decided that if I was going to hurt then I would make sure to make as many people hurt as I could along the way, and for a while that was the only reason I got up in the mornings. I bottled up my emotions, until they would explode, sometimes hurting the ones who least deserved it. I was constantly on the offensive, I was never going to give someone the chance to hurt me again. The thing was, the hurt, never went away, not even after I hurt quite a few people. The pain only got worse. It got to a point were I hated to wake up, and anything that tore me away from my books was an unwelcome intrusion, no matter who, or what it was. I honestly thought about suicide a few times, as a way of ending the pain and as a way to fulfill my curiosity. Then I would see how relatively well off I was, and I would feel horrible, and the pain would grow worse, it was a vicious cycle.
What really made me see the light, was that even the few friends I did have, genuinely thought I was a heartless bastard. Your friends, who have no reason to like you other than liking who you are as a person, thought I was a horrible human being. I honestly began to want to change. It was and is not an over night occurrence. I am still very jaded and time has yet to sand down my rough edges like the winds or the sea smooth down a particularly rough and stubborn rock. I still feel a pain in my chest, when someone says something especially cruel when all I am trying to be, is me. I am on my way to becoming who I was always meant to be, when I want to be a happy person again, it seems that is when people decide to be their cruelest. All the cruel words, from others and from myself left scares, those scares are slowly healing.
The one thing that keeps me going is the thought that no matter what happens deep down, I am a good person, and that person is slowly coming to the surface.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=eJEE78PUNsQ&feature=fvst This is me.