The Seventh Hour
Author's Note: This is not an abandonment of the Cold Blood series, rather, it is a short, hopefully humourous break from it. Enjoy!
Onyx Tao
The Seventh Hour
by
Onyx Tao
**[This story is licensed under the](%5C)
[Creative Commons Attribution-NonCommercial-ShareAlike 3.0 License.](%5C)** © 2007 by Onyx Tao
The AI unit sent a quick pulse to the theater system, even though - and in fact because - its owner wasn't home. There was a faint hum as the LCD display switched on automatically, at 6:00PM exactly, and the soft whirrrr of a hard drive as the recorder switched on, as well. The speakers began blaring to the empty room.
"... Hour! For those viewers just now joining us, we'll take you directly to Moira Green, and Fox Foxly." The display switched views suddenly, from the blue-and-yellow KZED logo to a cheerful, yellow-painted room with a gurney, and a tall human laying on it, dripping with translucent yellow goo. A small well-groomed fox, wearing jeans and a white shirt with a huge clock logo that had only the numerals 7 and 2, smiled into the camera.
"Hello! I'm Fox Foxly ..."
"And I'm Moira Green," a blue-suited raccoon with an equally perfect fur treatment added as the camera panned to her, showing her standing to the right of Fox. "We're on-site at the New Caledonia Penitentiary, where the convicted three-strikes burglar Jason Henries is about to be eaten alive by ..."
"Now, as you know, Moira," Fox interrupted smoothly, "State regulations and the FCC prevent us from identifying tonight's performer, or certain details. We're on a fifteen-second delay to allow the network to comply with all regulations, and we'll certainly be doing our best. We've got cameras all over the room, and we'll be able to bring you every detail that the FCC permits!"
"Only the law against divulging the private information on tonight's performer applies to the DVD of this episode, Fox. We don't have to pixelate the DVD, as our viewers know!"
"They do know Moira, and from Moira and me, we'd like to thank you for making The Seventh Hour the most popular show in both the ratings and DVD sales. We've got an especially fantastic treat for the DVD tonight ..."
"And we'll be interviewing tonight's performer about that_after_ the show, folks, so stick around!"
The raccoon and fox beamed at each other, as the screen dissolved into a commercial for Hantafast Mattresses, and the recorder clicked off. It picked up again just as the 'Yotota' logo faded from the screen.
"Welcome back to The Seventh Hour!" said Fox. "I'd like to remind our viewers that everything they'll see tonight is live..."
"... with a fifteen-second delay for the network ..." said Moira quickly.
"... and of course unrehearsed!" Fox finished with a laugh. "Behind us is Jason Henries, convicted burglar. His lawyers have filed an emergency appeal, but we're pretty confident that the sentence will be carried out. Now, we discussed Jason's life of crime in the last hour ..."
"Three incidents over eight years are not a life of crime, Fox!" interrupted Moira. "And there are a lot of people demonstrating outside tonight, convinced that this is a mistake."
"Yes, Moira, PETH, People for the Ethical Treatment of Humans, is outside tonight. But Jason was convicted under the three-strikes law, and ..."
"I'm a supporter of the death penalty myself," Moira interrupted, "but I have to agree that a reckless driving conviction shouldn't count as a strike."
"We'll just have to disagree, Moira," Fox said jovially. "I think three strikes is two chances too many, myself. I know exactly how many families out there will have their homes broken into by this criminal after tonight! Not one!"
"I'm just not sure about this one myself, Fox," said Moira. "You're probably right, but ..."
"But I am right. And enough of this bantering - the red light has come on, meaning tonight's predator is about to come in." The screen changed to show a door with a red light shining over it, the door and wall painted the same cheerful yellow. Fox's voice continued without a break. "So, Moira, how has Jason been prepared for tonight's performance?"
The view switched back to the raccoon and fox. "Honey, walnuts, and acupuncture, Fox," answered the Moira. "I'll bet you can guess what kind of predator we'll have on tonight!"
"Acupuncture? How's that?" said Fox, turning very slightly to svelte raccoon.
"Instead of the traditional restraints, Jason's been immobilized with silver acupuncture pins, Fox." The screen exploded into a view of the man's terrified face, dripping with honey. A series of red knobs - the handles of the acupuncture needles - dotted the sides of his motionless face. "Supposedly they interrupt the flow of chi, preventing movement. They seem to work pretty well!" The screen pulled back, to show the pins continued down his body on the right and left side, and down the arms as well. A fuzzy pixelation masked the man's crotch, but the needles clearly continued through that area down to the feet.
"Woah, that's a lot of pins, isn't it?" asked Fox's voice.
"One hundred and six, Fox. It took a master acupuncturist forty minutes to place them."
"I don't think we've seen them used like this before, have we, Moira?"
"We have not," Moira's voice-over confirmed. "Usually our predators prefer either more traditional leather restraints ..."
"Make great chews!" Fox interjected.
"If you say so, Fox," Moira chuckled. "or the human is free."
"I remember that crocodile, Moira, didn't he use ..."
"Tree frog venom, yes, Fox, that was another unusual one. Season two, episode five, for anyone looking for that on our DVD release."
The screen continued panning around Jason, picking up a tremor here and there as he tried to move.
"And he was injected with a harmless magnetic solution, too, wasn't he?"
"He sure was, Fox, but ... we'll be talking about that later tonight. In ..."
The screen cut suddenly to the door, which bounced open as a huge brown bear rambled into the room, and waved to the camera. The face was pixeled out, but the bear himself had to be eight feet tall. "Fox!" boomed the bear through an audio distorter. "Moira! It's great to see you guys again!"
The camera quickly cut to Moira as she started speaking. "Thank you, Bruin. For our viewers, Bruin is a brown bear, and of course 'Bruin' is just a stage name. State and Federal law forbid us from identifying 'Bruin' on the air or off. We did a fairly extensive interview with Bruin earlier today ..."
"About the acupuncture pins," boomed the bear, off-camera.
"Yes," agreed the raccoon, "and we'll be showing parts of that later, in the post-performance interview. Fox, do you have any last-minute questions for tonight's predator?"
Fox's face loomed large on the screen. "Two. The first one's from the producers, actually, because the answer seems pretty obvious to me, but Bruin, why did you ask for Jason here to be slathered with honey?"
"I like honey, Fox," Bruin's face nodded on-screen.
"What_kind_ of honey is that, Bruin?" asked Fox, playing the determined investigator.
"Mixed Grade-B," said the Bear. "I'm just looking for sweet, really, and it's a great way to help Jason slip down into my gullet."
"So you'll be going for a bloodless swallow?"
"You already knew that, Fox," laughed the bear. "After all ..."
"That's still a surprise for our viewers," Moira jumped in. "We haven't told them yet!"
"Huh. I'd think you'd want to lead with that ..."
"The network makes the decisions, Bruin, we just talk about it," Fox said with a disarming smile. "But I can say I think it's going to be one of the most exciting episodes of The Seventh Hour we've ever had!"
Bruin scratched his head thoughtfully. "Well, on the DVD maybe, but you're not ..."
"No more, Bruin," said Moira helpfully. "Please."
"Just one more question. You're not going to swallow the needles, are you?" asked Fox Foxly.
The bear just stared at the fox in the camera. He opened his mouth to start talking, but there was just a beeep sound for a moment. "... no, of course not! I'd perforate my innards. You can't eat these things," the bear said disgustedly. "Ya gotta pull 'em out!"
Fox gave a nervous cough. "Yes, well, our viewers want to know these things?"
"Actually, Fox, I have a question," said Moira.
"Well I hope it's a better one than can ya eat the -"beeeep "- needles!" grumbled the bear. "The one about the honey made more sense. Eat the needles!"
"Thanks, Bruin. What made you ask for acupuncture tonight?"
"Well," said the bear, nodding. "I do take it back. That's a fine question, Moira, and I do thank you for the asking! I really want to swallow Jason here alive, ya see, for that thing you won't have to interrupt me again to keep me from talking about now, rather than later. Let him loose, see, and he'd probably get hurt going down, and that would be a shame. And I'd have a terrible time getting those leather straps loose from the buckles - my paws just aren't built for that kind of work, so I was worried. It was my daughter, she suggested acupuncture, and at first I thought it was crazy-talk. But it don't take a second to pull those pins out when you're eating, it do not, and -" the bear gestured to the gurney, and then there was a full-body shot of the motionless Jason. "You can see for yourself how good they work."
"I have to admit I'm kind of surprised myself," Fox spoke up. "So, Bruin - hungry?" The little fox gestured dramatically to the clock behind him, which was just coming up on ten past seven - the same time on his shirt logo. "I think we're ready to start ..."
"The Seventh Hour!" He, Moira, and Bruin all shouted as the show went to commercial, and again, the hacked recorder shut down until the screen flickered back to the show.
The show opened with a shot of red-streaked silver pins, each eight inches long, and dripping honey on the floor. The shot zoomed out, to show that Bruin had pulled the pins from Jason's feet and calves, and was -
The camera caught the image as Jason's toes vanished into Bruin's maw. Tiny jewel-like drops of blood glistened in the thick coating of honey as Bruin lifted the feet, and pulled himself forward onto the gurney.
"You can just see Jason's legs barely twitching as Bruin removes the needles," Moira's voice said intently as the camera focused on the feet just now vanishing from view. "It won't do him any good now, of course," she continued.
"And you have to admire his technique," Fox's voice cut in, as the bear grunted, pushing forward on the honey-coated ankles. "I thought he'd just pull Jason in, but Bruin's going for the more delicate approach."
The screen cut to a pixelated view of Bruin in a different room, as the words 'recorded earlier - not live' scrolled across the bottom of the screen. "It's too easy to tear something if you pull," the bear was explaining. "Humans are pretty tender. Pull just a little too hard, and you can dislocate a leg or arm, heck, even pull 'en off altogether. And we're not after that ..." the voice cut off abruptly as the as the view shifted from the previous interview, returning to the bear, now hovering over the gurney, and slurping honey off Jason's mid-calves as he methodically pulled needles out and dropped them onto the floor.
"This is a difficult part coming up for Bruin," Fox said in a very quiet voice, as the camera zoomed in on the flesh disappearing into the bear. "Jason's waist is 37 inches, quite a challenge for even a predator such as Bruin. Using the honey as a lubricant is just brilliant, I think, but it doesn't matter _how_slippery Jason is if Bruin can't quite get ..."
"Folks, this is just amazing. He's barely fitting, and .. Jason's making it, uh, hard, on Bruin, shall we say? We can't show it to you on the broadcast, but ... this is just amazing, Bruin's pulled the, uh, sticky-out part down so, oh, that's gotta hurt, dragged against the teeth like that, ouch!
"Why do they react like that?" Fox asked rhetorically over the scene - pixelated in broadcast, of course.
"Why are you asking me," Moira's voice replied as the last of the pixelation vanished into Bruin. "Fox Foxly, _you've_been known to overreact in just the same way! Why don't _you_tell us?"
"It's not about me, Moira," Fox said, diverting the question. "And we'd ask the human, but ..."
"Federal regulations forbid it," commented Moira. "We don't think that's fair, and we urge you to write your congressman and senator, asking them to let the condemned tell their side of the story! Why they made their last mistake - how they felt, hearing the sentence, and what they think of being eaten."
Bruin was just nudging his upper lip over Jason's navel. "It's a shame Jason's a little heavy," commented Moira. "You can see his stomach being pushed up against the sternum."
"Yes, and that always makes it more difficult to breath, especially once the ribcage is in the throat. Bruin's going to have to be extra careful if he doesn't want to break any ribs!"
"It would be very easy for him," added Moira, just as Bruin started on the lower ribcage. "A bear's throat can easily exert enough force to pulp Jason at this point, with disastrous consequences for Jason."
"Generally, someone swallowed alive," lectured Fox, "just expires from asphyxiation. But having your lungs crushed - gotta hurt, Moira, gotta hurt!"
"I have to say this for the acupuncture," Moira said, as the camera focused in on the honey-covered flesh, vanishing into the scarcely less honey-covered bear, "it's certainly effective! We haven't heard so much as a squeak out of Jason here."
"Usually the human is either screaming by now or begging not to be eaten, but apparently the vocal apparatus is paralyzed. I imagine we'll hear something when Bruin gets up to the neck, and takes those needles out, but, this has been a very quiet night so far."
"I didn't know if I liked that at first, Fox," Moira said. "The yelling is almost a visceral part of the experience for me, and I know our viewers at home enjoy it too. But all that yelling covers up some unique sounds. You can really hear Bruin's slurping, and the soft shss as Bruin just keeps moving over Jason. It's a lovely sound, and I don't think we've ever had this kind of exposure to it."
"You're right about that, Moira, I have to say," said Fox. "Let's have just a minute, shall we, and go to full pickup on the audio? Cue the count for us, will you, Dave?"
A translucent minute countdown appeared in the upper left hand of the screen, while the sound of breathing, both ursine and human, filled the room. There was indeed a soft, not-quite-scraping sound as the bear inched Jason into him. Even the soft 'p-p!' of the needles coming out, and hitting the floor with a honey-muted 'ting'.
By the time the counter ran out, Bruin was up to Jason's shoulders, and he was just starting to take the needles out of Jason's head when Fox interrupted him.
"Can you hold there, for a moment, big guy?"
Bruin couldn't say anything, not with a mouthful - and throatfull - and stomachfull - of Jason, but he did pause.
"Thank you, Bruin, you're a sport," Fox said. "We're about to take out the last needles, and we traditionally ask for last words just before a swallower hits the neck; if we wait any longer, it's a little hard for him to speak. Just take the last needles out, or give me a thumbs-up, and I'll have Moira do it."
Bruin shook a little, as if he were trying to laugh, and pulled the last ten needles out as the camera focused in his head.
"Last words! We estimate thirty-three million viewers right now, Jason, so give us your last words, and - Make 'em good!" said Fox, in the trademarked 'Make 'em good!' line of The Seventh Hour.
The human just looked up at the camera and started crying, tears trickling through the honey. The closeup showed tiny little red specks where the needles had been removed on his face - and then, Jason opened his mouth to scream - the sheer terror in his eyes was a giveaway. Bruin, now sticky with honey, pushed quickly forward, and sealed his lips around Jason's head, and then nose, and there was just a little muffled howl that vanished quickly.
"Goodbye, Jaaaay-son!" said Moira's voice.
The camera cut immediately to Moira and Fox. "We're Moria Green," said Fox.
"And Fox Foxly," Moira said, "and you've just seen the execution of Jason Henries. Our predator tonight was Bruin."
"We'll be doing the post-interview after this break, since Bruin has almost as much honey on him as Jason did when we started," Fox said.
"And stick around! We promised an amazing surprise, and Bruin will be ready for us - and you - right after these messages!" Moira said smilingly.
Click! went the recorder, shutting down just as the advertisement for Brilt's Body Wash came on, and it stayed off through the Yotota spot, and the MirGraine for Migraine, and turned back on just as the Tad's Diner spot concluded.
Moira was back in a different room, smiling out the audience. In the back, Bruin himself, with his huge bulging belly and wet fur from some hasty sponging to remove the honey, was laying down on a blue plastic table that was being slid into a huge set of what looked like large metal doughnuts.
"Digestion," said Moira solemnly. "That's the next step in predation execution, and, until now, it's one we could never bring you. That changes tonight."
"Predation TV, in conjunction with TriBolus Magnetics and Zyzyyx Graphix are trying a daring experiment tonight. Jason Henries - or meat, as we can call him now - was injected with a series of magnetic markers in the weeks leading up to tonight. Inside this powerful tomagraph, using the science of magnetic resonance imaging, we can actually watch as the meat digests inside Bruin. Bruin himself is starting his hibernation, or it would be difficult for him to remain still enough to get good images."
"We're getting some preliminary images now," said Moira.
The screen cut to a rough computer graphic showing a curled-up human inside a bear.
"These are very rough, obviously," Moira continued. "We expect Bruin to digest his meal over the next four days or so, and it will take almost two hundred hours of computer time to render each minute in full detail. We've taken full scans of the skin, underlying muscle, tissue, bone, and when we're done, we ..."
"...and TriBolus Magnetics, and Zyzyyx Graphix," Fox picked up, "will have a complete record of how Jason digested, and how Bruin here uses that protein. Will it be assimilated into Bruin himself? Metabolized and excreted? We're going to find out!"
"Eventually," said Moira. "Obviously, the full release will be on a special set of DVDs, available for preorder right now. Call the number on your screen, operators are standing by! Because Bruin's going into hibernation, we won't have our usual post-predation interview, so ... let's go to this afternoon's interview. Dave? Could you put on that interview, please?"
The view shifts again, to a room with three chairs, and Bruin is seated between Fox and Moira.
"So when did you get the idea to do this, 'Bruin'? I can call you that, can't I?"
"Yes, it's my stage name," said the pixelated bear. "Well, I've been working on this for some time, after I got onto the predation execution list. I knew some people who were interested in studying the digestive process, and I've got a friend at TriBolus - they make MRI machines, so I figured I could get them to donate the use of machine for a few days if I could get The Seventh Hour to pick up the cost of running the thing."
"And those aren't cheap," Fox said with a smile. "But frankly, we think this is going to be of tremendous interest to our viewers. We're happy to pick up the tab in the name of science! We'll see the meal, up ahead. But what happens afterwards?"
"Crap, mostly," said Bruin.
"Well, before that, I suppose," giggled Moira. "There's almost a magical process whereby a human criminal becomes part of a civilized person."
"Now, I think there are some civilized humans," interjected Bruin. "I know you two are famous for your dislike, but, there are some pretty civil humans out there."
"Far be it for us to argue with a guest predator!" said Fox, looking up from his three-feet-two at the eight-foot-tall Bruin. "Not us! But if you're a PETH sympathizer ..."
"I didn't say that," the bear said, irritated. "Those PETH pelters are just loony at the best, and terrorists at the worse. I wish we could just fill the predation lists from the PETH rosters."
"Yes," said Moira, "but if you do feel that way, why would you apply for a predation execution permit? I mean, they're not cheap."
"Humans are supposed to be delicious," Bruin said. "After all, the stupid primates built us that way. I mean, is that dumb or what? They had no predators at all ..."
"Pretty stupid," agreed Fox.
"And I don't think there's a big predator out there who doesn't secretly dream of eating them. I was just lucky enough to get my application approved."
"In no small part to your research project. A four-day fully rendered human digestion? I mean, that's just brilliant."
Bruin looked abashed. "Well, I needed something for my PhD thesis, and between the rendering graphics, and the actual metabolic processes we'll be examining with this data - both I and my friend - oh, that's right, no names, sorry there, will be getting our doctorates out of this. Once we write the papers, of course, and that'll only take us two or three years!"
"Rendering your film will take quite some time, though, won't it? 200 hours for each minute?" said Fox. "Help me out Moira, that would be ..."
"One million, one hundred and fifty thousand hours," said Moira. "Or, more usefully, forty-eight thousand days, or one hundred eighty-seven years, and one-hundred twenty-eight days."
"You're a wonder, Moira, just amazing. Quite a while, in other words," said Fox, turning back to the bear. "How are you going to get that done?"
"Grid computing," Bruin said confidently. "I know it sounds bonkers, but we chop all that work into units, send 'em out on a grid, and get it all done in probably two, three weeks, maybe less. It's been accepted at the granddaddy of all grid projects,http://www.worldcommunitygrid.org/for distribution. We'll start sending out data tonight, just as soon as it starts coming in, and we'll have it all done lickety-split."
"I'm sure looking forward to it, Bruin, and of course The Seventh Hour has an exclusive distribution agreement for the film. Unfortunately, that's all we have time for right now," said Fox, turning from Bruin back to facing directly out of the screen. "I'd like to thank Bruin, for talking to us, and our viewers. We're scheduled to be back on the air in three days, from Montana, with a cattle rustler. We think you'll like what's in store for this two-bit cattle thief! It's poetic justice with mountain oysters, right here on The Seventh Hour."
"But that's for tomorrow. In the meantime," said Moira, " Make 'em good!"
The recorder clicked off as the station sent the show-terminate signal. The AI wasn't particularly advanced, but its owner hadn't been home for several months now, and it didn't want to miss a single episode of Jason Henries's favorite show.