Preliminary Disclaimer: The following story contains some questionable, and potentially offensive material. If you can't take a joke, meaningless opinionated banter or a random drop of the N-bomb... well then... go fuck off and ruin someone else's day, wouldya?

It's all jokes, dude.

This story is intended to be pointless.

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"When in doubt, never overlook the option of taking off and nuking the entire site from orbit. It is, after all, the only way to be absolutely sure."

Why hello there, kid! How are you doing today? What's that? Oh, well would you look at that! You've made contact with an alien race! Congratulations, son! You have taken one step closer to the engagement with creatures not of your world, and will be better enlightened for it in the years to come!

But don't be too hasty there, sport. There are three very important things to remember when making contact with an alien species... what's that, kid? You don't know these three important things!? Well never fear, my boy. That is what I'm here for. Carl Goodrich, expert in all fields of everything!

First, do not be alarmed. If these aliens have bothered to make contact they are most likely not hostile. Do they seem hostile to you, son?

No? Well take another look there, kid! These aliens seem to be clad in armour and sporting vicious looking weapons. In all likelihood, your new alien friends are not here to make friends, so you might as well put that ball away, sport. Good man!

Second, keep your guard up. While you don't want to seem threatening, you still have to assume your visitors from another world are hostile.

Thirdly, and finally. Your alien foe, should they be hostile will always be more advanced than you. why is this? Well, lets think about it, son.

The aliens travelled billions of lightyears across space to find you! To achieve this, they are obviously very intelligent. They obviously have space ships, and standard common sense indicates they are going to be more advanced than the local population of the planets they invade.

Whoa there! It looks like your new friends from another world are pretty riled up. Let's first take a look at analysing your opponent. If they are all sorts of different aliens marching under the one banner, these aliens were probably enslaved and are now fighting for their overlord masters who are, while not present, intending to pillage your world and spill your guts. But never fear, son! You're in America. And we are Ameri-CAN! And when the darkest point of the night comes, we Ameri-WILL beat back our alien invaders!

Unfortunately, when the initial attack begins, you'll likely be caught unprepared and on unawares. Chances are they won't even make contact first. These alien scum-buckets might just launch an all out attack without warning. The bad news is you're going to have to take cover and hide for this battle, sport.

The good news is that when the initial attack is over, the battle may be lost, but the war will be far from over. Now you have the chance to rally all of the world against a common foe. You'll be able to hit them back with everything you have. And when you do get back in the fight...

Make sure you bring a friend.

A breath life wafted softly in the crumbling city. No more than a sigh. A whimper lost in the lifeless urban sprawl as it softly moved closer to a dead plant.

High on the rooftops, among long concrete planters home to scorched earth and dishevelled vegetable plots stood a maze of wooden shutters, fences and shacks made up out of panes of glass. Piping ran out of watering units forming a bent and leaky spiderweb network over the rooftop gardens. All around these seventeen acres of garden about a hundred feet above the streets of the city were other buildings of varying heights. This used to be a bustling residential district.

Now it was a crumbling monument to the invasion.

There were no people here anymore. Only drones. One such 'drone' was standing by one of the broken planters in a greenhouse. The creature was bipedal, tall and lanky, about seven feet high with sinewy limbs and a rounded, featureless head. There were no eyes, no antennae, no distinguishing features of any kind on the soft dirt-brown skin. Hap-hazardly grafted to the drone's shoulders, hips and chest were curved armoured plates. The left arm ended in a three digit hand, while the right ended in a mass of wiring, piping and a device with a wide barrel. A charge pack hung humming and idle from the side of the grafted assault rifle.

The drone very slowly leaned closer to the plant-life it was inspecting. A small sapling with but a single leaf at the end of a delicate lime-coloured stalk. Seemingly fascinated the alien drone moved it's 'face' closer to inspect the new life lost in the mass of death that surrounded it.

And then it was crushed. The drone slammed a fist down, burying the sapling in a single merciless blow. Shaking as it let out a high pitched laugh, the drone straightened up...

Before it was crushed itself like a defenceless sapling...

Glass shattered. Shards and chunks of the stuff rained down all around the drone as it glanced up startled. Daggers of glass slammed into the ground at its feet, followed by a pair of black army-boots landing heavily in the drone's face. The weight of the figure bearing down on the drone nearly snapped the extra-terrestrial creature in half, smashing it headfirst into the ground. The cranial vault caved in with a sickening squelch, crushing what little basic brain-matter there was to be found inside. Regardless of having its cognitive organs smashed, the drone's body still shuddered and twitched violently against the floor.

He would see to that soon enough.

Slowly the figure who had delivered the crushing straightened up with his fists clenched. He was an Earthling, human, clad in a pair of scuffed black army boots. His jeans used to be dark grey, but were now faded and worn almost entirely through. The bottoms were tucked into the top of his boots, and he had black duct tape wrapped around the right knee in some sort of make-shift patch job. In overall, the human was quite short and squad, but built incredibly broad with rippling muscles only hardly contained within a tight fitting bright red vest. Wrapped around his right forearm was a black bracer with broad scale-like armour running along the back of his arm, and on his meaty hands were a pair of leather, fingerless gloves. His neck was about as wide as his head, and his torso and thick muscular arms made him seem like some sort of disproportionate body-building cartoon character. Over his torso he wore a set of suspenders, with various pouches fitted around his waist, and bright red shotgun shells set into loops on the shoulder-straps. He had a sturdy, square jaw with chiselled features, his eyes hidden behind a pair of dark sunglasses, and his dirty-blonde hair was cropped into a flat-top. Hanging from a sling across the man's torso was an AA12 automatic shotgun fitted with a bulky, rounded drum magazine. Against all odds, the weapon which usually looked incredibly bulky in the arms of any old soldier, looked like an off-scale toy in the arms of this human.

His name was displayed on a patch slapped proudly across his chest in bold black letters. R3d.

R3d didn't waste another second wondering what to do with the alien under the heel of his boot. He raised his right arm and flicked his wrist. A long, pointed blade popped out of the knuckle place, and he slammed it down, just right of where the heart should be. There was a wet squelch and the sound of squirting water... and the drone died.

Pulling his blade free, R3d looked up and saw another drone framed in the greenhouse's entrance. The knuckle blade retracted with a sharp click and R3d reached back. His hands caught his AA12 and brought the bulky weapon up. There was no need to aim, not at this range. So just holding the shotgun at waist height he pulled the trigger and walked the shots into the drone.

The first blast tore a chunk out of the doorframe, showering the drone with glass and splinters. The second ripped off the drone's arm, splashing the ground with chunks of brownish flesh and clear fluid. The third and final shot kicked into R3d's arms as his mouth went agape in a silent roar. The incendiary buckshot hit home on the drone's chest, ripping into flesh and organ, setting fire to whatever flammables they touched. The foul odour of scorched flesh filled the air as a chunk of burning hamburger meat was viciously torn from the alien's chest.

As it fell, R3d stepped over the corpse and let two more shots fly while he let out a roaring whoop. "Whoooooooooh! Two in a rooooooooow!"

Shifting the weight of the AA12, R3d pointed the muzzle at the floor and rested the butt against his shoulder. Supporting the shotgun more comfortably, he ran forward, eyes darting from left to right for any more contacts on his level.

There weren't any more at the moment. However, there was one on the higher ground.

Up ahead from where R3d was moving was a low pre-fab building that used to serve as some sort of canteen atop these apartment buildings. Standing on the roof of the pre-fab was another drone. It had its rifle levelled and trained on R3d as he moved closer.

The muzzle flashed bright red and glowing tracers slashed down on the human. White hot round cratered into the rooftop beside R3d causing him to look up in time to see another barrage follow the first. The man darted to his right and dropped to one knee, sliding swiftly into cover behind a heavy concrete planter. More hot rounds slammed into the dirt above his head, spraying earth into the air. Bullets skimmed through the concrete, breaking off chunks and cratering beside R3d's leg.

"Life isn't fair!" the man yelled keeping his AA12 held tight against his chest.

Unaware to either the drone or even R3d, the air behind the alien attempting to take out the human from the high ground shimmered.

The very reality behind the drone seemed to shift and warp until a black gauntlet hung in the air. Blocks of sharp light slid across an arm, over a shoulder, covered a torso and started appearing across a head, a pair of legs and another arm. Not there one moment, there another, a human materialised out of thin air as his gauntlet's stealth-mode disabled seconds before strike.

This figure was tall, taller than R3d but much, much skinnier. He was incredibly lanky, a complete opposite to R3d. Clad in a pair of brown hiking boots, the tall and thin human was wearing a pair of khaki cargo trousers with a knee pad over his right knee. His hoodie was dark, almost midnight black, and over his torso he wore a sky-blue tactical vest rigged with various ammo pouches and a pistol holstered to his chest. On his back was a khaki rucksack with a watering tube stuck to the right shoulder-strap. Covering his cropped black hair was a sky-blue baseball cap twisted into reverse, and covering his face was some sort of black paintball mask. The only bit of his face visible was the region around his dark eyes through the transparent visor.

Painted across the faceplate of his mask was his name, 'B1ue.'

The second human darted forward, flicking his right wrist and causing a blade to pop from the knuckle plate like on R3d's gauntlet. His left hand grabbed the drone from behind and pulled as B1ue's boot swept forward. He kicked the legs out from under the drone and flattened its back against the deck with a loud 'clang!' he then crouched and jammed his gauntlet-blade home. The wet sack to the right of where the heart would be squelched, the drone twitched, and then stopped moving altogether.

Straightening up, B1ue shook clear fluid from his gauntlet and looked down to where his buddy, R3d rose to his feet. "Well then, go cry about it in the corner, emo!"

"It's my lifestyle choice!" R3d said in a mock-whine, then levelled his AA12 and vaulted over the planter he'd taken cover behind. His boots landed heavily on the far side as he spotted more drones moving out of cover on the far end of the rooftop gardens. Smirking, the man let his finger play over the trigger.

Deafening gunshots ripped through the air. Drones were toppled like bowling pins as R3d marched into their midst. He snapped left and right, sweeping the area with as much foul language as there was buckshot. While his finger never left the trigger, his tongue didn't stop rolling.

Halting for a moment, R3d lowered his shotgun and stepped towards a tall watering unit in the midst of the maze of planters. The unit was a tall cylinder with a network of hoses and piping attached at the very top. He rose his knee to his chest and focused all his strength into one kick...

R3d's gauntlet glowed red. Veins of glowing crimson energy emanated from the gauntlet, slithered over his skin, slipped under his vest and started pulsing along the leg raised to his chest. Nothing happened for a moment...

And then he kicked. The unit tore free as his boot dented into the metal side of the cylinder. The rigging tore loose, a bracket went with it taking a chunk of rooftop with it. The watering unit smashed through a lattice fence and bowled clean through four drones, flattening the creatures and breaking everything in their fragile bodies.

"Enjoy being dead!" R3d called.

As he took his mind off killing for just a split second, a drone on R3d's blind side levelled its hand-cannon. The muzzle flashed with energy...

A deafening crack rang out. A tracer scythed through the air and connected the muzzle of a Barrett XM500 anti-materiel rifle. The .50 calibre round slammed home in the drone's chest, punching clean through armour and flesh before passing through the other side. The vacuum in the bullet's wake quite literally sucked the alien's chest cavity out its back, causing it to double over and drop to the floor dead.

R3d watched the creature hit the deck, and then let his eyes dart up along the fading white line the anti-materiel round had left in the air. He followed it all the way back to the pre-fab where B1ue sat on one knee, shouldering the bulky bulpup sniper rifle.

The muzzle of his rifle flashed again and a tracer scythed past R3d's face, and slammed home in the chest of a drone sneaking up behind the muscular human. The drone was tossed head over heels in an almost comic fashion, letting out a warbled squeal.

"Double save!" B1ue called out. "You owe me a soda!"

R3d gave a nod, which B1ue quickly returned as they both straightened up and charged into the remaining drones. Everything directly in R3d's line of sight was blown away as he closed the distance and dropped each drone with a fistful of explosive buckshot. Anything on the man's flanks spied through B1ue's scope took a ridiculously oversized bullet rated to punch holes in tanks to the mid-section, each deafening crack nearly tearing the drones in two.

Soon enough the drone numbers had dwindled to one...

"Eat shit and die!" R3d yelled as he fired. The buckshot hit the last drone in the chest and sent it careening over the edge of the rooftop, falling out of sight.

A thud caught R3d's attention and he turned to see B1ue land beside him. The taller human slid his rifle under one arm, letting it hang from its sling as he walked up to R3d.

"That's how we do it!" B1ue cried, holding out a hand.

"Booyeah!" R3d complimented, completing the high five with a hard, open handed strike against B1ue's.

Standing side by side, the duo looked down over the edge just in time to hear a loud 'clang' echo out, followed by the squishy explosion of the drone hitting a dumpster below. "Haha!" B1ue laughed at the sight. "Watch out below!"

R3d chuckled. "Oh, c'mon! I just blasted that sucker off the God-damn roof! And you recycle that tired old line?"

"Don't fix it if it ain't broke." B1ue stated simply.

Their celebration did not last long however. A rumble, much like violent, distant thunder rang out, vibrating in their chest cavities. The duo turned and looked to the sky. It was overcast, heavy grey clouds bearing down on them and casting a grim glow over the already grim city. In the soft, howling breeze a distant apartment building shuddered and collapsed in on itself, belching thick plumes of greyish smoke into the air. Somewhere below them a steel support girder groaned. The city moaning was all they heard for a few seconds.

And there it was again. The thunder. Only now it was followed by the source.

Ships of untold mass and covered in layers of near impenetrable armour descended upon the Earthling city. Ships neither R3d nor B1ue had seen since the initial alien invasion two years ago. They were colossal, ten miles in diameter at least. Saucer shaped with ribbed gunmetal grey armour covering the sleek hulls underneath. At each quarter was a massive swivelling plasma cannon. In the heart of each of the five ship descending upon the city were glowing green disks forming the main entrance and exit for alien troops.

Five ships on this city, and untold hundreds all over the continent. R3d and B1ue didn't want to even imagine how many were descending all over the rest of the world.

"Well that can't be good." R3d announced, as if it hadn't been obvious enough.

"Understatement of the century, dude." B1ue agreed slowly in a defeated tone. "We're gonna need a bigger boat."

Invaders Must Die!

The Comprehensive Alien Invader Survival / Strategy Guide

By Carl Goodrich

Okay, so you're thinking to yourself 'Who the hell is Carl Goodrich!?'

Well, newsflash, bub! You're reading this in his voice! That's right, I'm in your head!

And you're taking in every word like it's the mother-friggin' gospel. My assistant asked me why I'm writing a book on alien invaders. I told her straight up, what the hell else am I going to write about!? I could write pages and pages of stuff about how undoubtedly awesome I am, but that would get us all no closer to learning what to do in the case of a major alien invasion upon our home planet, Earth!

So you've retreated from initial defeat which was inevitable. No hard feelings. Hopefully this defeat has seeded a greater hate for your alien foe. And don't beat yourself up about the initial defeat thing. It was, as I just said, inevitable. And now I'm just damn-well repeating myself! So let's get on with it!

The next step is to form a resistance. Chances are, you've already figured this step out for yourself. You're a clever guy, I can see that. I like your grit. I don't know you, but you keep coming back for more alien ass-kicking, which tells me you have grit, and I like grit. Grit is what made me the man I am today, and it's making you into a man like me. So I like you, sport!

Nationality, colour of the skin, language, it means nothing. Just make sure everyone speaks American goodly so communication won't be a problem! The goodlier you speak, the easilier it will be for everyone to get along and take their anger out on those aliens that are messing up everyone's day.

So, put together your resistance. Find a base of operations and start building up your stockpile. There's no point having an army and no weapons. And if you can, salvage some of that alien technology. It'll be helpful.

Oh, and for Pete's sake, try to keep that headquarters clean and make sure everyone showers regularly. I know the gritty look is 'in' for resistances now and days, but bacterial rashes in the crotch areas ain't fun... trust me on that one! *cough*

Lambda Base was immaculate. Odd, since it was the resistance headquarters erected in an old subway service depot. The chamber was high and cavernous, with piping and ducts sprawled over the rooves of the numerous rusty carriages littered over the gravely floor. Each pipe supplied water and power to the individual carriages which served as shared quarters for the members of the Earthling Resistance.

In the very centre of the depot claimed as Lambda Base was a marquee with rolled down sides, the tent serving as the central command from where the resistance leader, July organised operations against the alien invaders. The resistance had a pretty sweet set up down there, and best of all, it was a clean space, neatly organised with running water. July had made double sure of that. She was a neat-freak... which more often than not got on everyone's nerves.

One of the carriages at the edge of the base was home to R3d and B1ue. Their door remained shut at all times so July wouldn't see the shameful mess inside.

The carriage was divided in two with a cubicle opposite the sliding door at the centre of the 'room.' One half was painted sky-blue, home to B1ue and his things. The other half was painted red, and housed the objects belonging to R3d. the contrast was like something out of a Saturday morning cartoon.

B1ue was organised. He had several weapons hanging from a rack mounted to the wall. His bed was made. A small shelf above his cot housed some piles of neatly folded clothes. He had an old HAM radio sitting on his bedside table, and his trusted XM500 anti-materiel rifle sat propped against the wall beside his half of the door.

B1ue himself was sitting on the edge of his bed, writing quietly in a diary, his eyes shifting from left to right behind his visor as he scribbled.

R3d the lanky human's opposite. R3d's side of the carriage was slob-town. Clothes lay strewn over the bed and floor. His shelf hung half torn off the wall, and his armoury lay scattered over the foot of his bed. His AA12 was laying on the floor where he had simply discarded it, and there was a trail of clothes leading from where the shotgun lay, right across the floor to the shower cubicle.

The water pump in their ceiling hummed as a spray of hot water gushed down into the shower cubicle, dousing R3d where he scrubbed himself down. Steam billowed up and was sucked out a fan right above the cubicle while the waste gurgled away into the drain in the floor. B1ue ignored the silhouette of his 'roomie' and kept writing as the towel hanging over the shower-door was pulled in and R3d let out what could only be described as a grunt of pure masculinity.

A few moments later the door swung open and R3d stepped out of the shower, a dark red towel wrapped around his waist in a makeshift kilt. Straightening his sunglasses and sipping from a can of beer, he looked around and spotted B1ue exactly where he'd left him.

"Your turn." R3d announced before moving towards his bed, kicking his clothes along as he went.

"I'm done already." came B1ue's reply as he continued to scribble into his diary.

R3d frowned and turned, walking back to the division line. He boldly crossed it and stood in front of his friend.

"Done? Dude, you can't be done!" no matter how R3d thought about it, he couldn't get his head around it. How could B1ue be done showering if R3d had been the first one in?

"I borrowed next door's shower." B1ue explained, continuing to keep his eyes glued on the pages of his diary while he wrote.

"But you were still showering after me! How could you be done so quick?" R3d cried.

B1ue chuckled. "Not everyone spends two hours in the shower dude. Normal people only need fifteen minutes to half an hour."

"But how do you know you're clean after only fifteen minutes?" again, R3d couldn't get his head around it.

"Like I said, that's the average time for a normal person. I wouldn't expect you to understand, dude." B1ue joked in a deadpan tone. "Now, do you mind? I'm busy."

"Aw, gay, dude. You're writing your girly feelings in that bitch-book of yours?" R3d mocked. "What are you, a fifteen year old bulimic cheerleader?"

"Dude, not cool. Don't make fun of bulimia. I don't want angsty teenagers who think they suck bitching at me all day." B1ue said in a level tone. "Bulimia is a pretty serious disease, and just leave the argument at that."

Angered, that didn't sit right with R3d at all. He couldn't drop the argument. Not on that note labelling bulimia as a disease. "It's not a fucking disease! It's a paranoid delusion about one's own weight, causing the individual to make the conscious decision to deep-throat their own finger!"

"Whoa... touchy." B1ue looked up to his friend's hidden eyes. "And... oddly descriptive." He slowly returned to his diary. "Dude, can we just drop it? I can already hear the masses forming an angry mob rallying against our author."

R3d frowned. "What?"

"Huh?" B1ue replied glancing up for a moment, disregarding knowledge of what he'd just said.

"Ah, whatever, man." R3d shrugged tipping back another swig of beer. "You think anyone is going to read that shit you write?"

"It's my diary." B1ue sighed. "The point is that nobody else reads it."

There was a long pause in which R3d just stared at the writing human. Finally he let out at the top of his lungs: "THAT IS THE GAYEST FUCKING THING I'VE EVER HEARD! What is the point of writing then? Check it! Isaac Asimov, Arthur C. Clarke, Douglas Adams. Hell, even J.K. fucking Rowling are people who write stuff. They then have the stuff they wrote read. And those who read the shit they write give them money. That's the only fucking thing writing is good for. Getting famous and making money for sitting on your lazy ass all damn day!"

B1ue maintained his calm composure and shrugged. "Or maybe it's just for fun."

"Writing is not fun! You gotta be trying to become famous when you write!" R3d said impatiently. "Name one person who achieved fame by writing a pussy-ass diary! One! Name one!"

"Anne Frank." B1ue said simply.

"Oh, you're going to pull the hide seek champion out your ass?" R3d growled in a menacing tone before he downed the last dregs of his beer, crushed the can and tossed it over his shoulder. "Well there's just one thing you forgot, man!"

Sighing, B1ue lifted his gaze. "What's that?"

"MY COCK!" R3d laughed as B1ue looked up. Only after he lifted his gaze, the taller human realised R3d was holding his towel in one hand, giving B1ue an eye full of R3d-cock.

"Aw, fuck you!" B1ue exclaimed, squeezing his eyes shut and looking away. At the same time he tucked the small diary and pen into his sky-blue tac-vest. Even after R3d retreated laughing to his side of the room, B1ue couldn't get the image out of his head. It was burned into his retinas, like an annoyingly catchy song you can't stop yourself from humming. "There is just a wrong-ness about you, dude." B1ue added as he rose to his feet.

Still laughing, R3d managed to pull on some pants. "I know. It's a gift."

"And it's my curse."

A woman's voice suddenly cut across the duo. It echoed through Lambda Base and filled their diggs. "Romeo-Three-Delta and Bravo-One-Uniform-Echo, report to the command centre. I repeat, R3d and B1ue report to command."

R3d finished dressing and watched B1ue slide open the door of their carriage. "Duty calls in such a horny tone."

B1ue snorted at the comment, hopping from the threshold and landing outside with a light crunch. R3d followed as the taller human said: "Whenever July is wet like that, it's usually because she's come up for a particularly difficult operation for yours truly."

"I think she's just hot for me." R3d stated.

"Yeah, I'm sure it's that too." B1ue lied, rolling his eyes. "Whoa, wait a sec, dude." B1ue quickly added looking down at R3d's hands. He then held up his right hand and flexed the fingers of his gauntlet. "Where's your thing?"

R3d snorted and grabbed a hand-full of his junk. "Right here."

"Gauntlet, dude. The powerful alien technology without which we'd be useless dumbasses, dude. You can't just leave it lying around the place!" B1ue hissed, suspiciously looking around to make sure no one was eaves dropping. Their gauntlets were what made them so proficient at alien-killing. No one else in the resistance knew the gauntlets were special. It was their little secret.

"Chill out. It's safe." R3d smirked. "I'm sure of it."

The shorter human walked off, leaving B1ue a little nervously defeated. "That is what worries me."

The duo crossed Lambda Base, passing between the carriages littering the main floor. Above them were a few gantries on which armed guards were standing watch by the numerous surface access ladders and tunnels. Outside were a number of early warning systems, and all living quarters were always ready to be moved on tracks through the city's subway stations. On a whim, the whole of Lambda Base was always ready to move to any of the dozen emergency rendezvous points hidden in the underground labyrinth that used to be the subways.

The marquee that made up the command centre in the very centre of the base was brown drab, three sides rolled down. The one side rolled up revealed the inside of the spacious tent. The outer walls were lined with tables and computers behind which several figures were sitting. There was a square table in the very centre littered with charts and maps of the city above their heads. In the corner a server and several backup batteries sat humming away with blinking lights across the face.

July was standing by the table with some of her fellow resistance commanders. But among them, July was probably the sexiest. Clad in hiking boots and faded jeans with a white t-shirt that hugged her slender hourglass bodess and a short leather jacket. The woman had short red hair tied back in a bun with a few stray strands falling down the side of her slim face.

Today, however, the duo spotted something new.

Laying on the table among the charts and maps was a television set. It looked worse for wear, with a pair kinked aerials sticking out of the top. The image flickered and buzzed to static every so often, but it held a steady enough picture.

On the screen, flickering between colour and mono-tone was a bust. It wasn't human, but that of some sort of anthropomorphic wolf. She had midnight black fur covering her vulpine face and bare shoulders, her cleavage revealed by the low V-shaped cut of the corset she was wearing. There was golden blonde hair on her scalp wrought into back-swept dreadlocks. Perched atop her head was a golden tiara, studded with a single crimson ruby.

As they entered the command tent, the first words out of R3d's mouth had to be: "Hey, what's with the fuzzy skank?"

"The fuzzy skank can hear everything you are saying, Earthling." The wolf on the screen suddenly snapped, causing both R3d and B1ue's hearts to skip a beat.

"... I think I just shit myself." B1ue finally admitted after a short silence.

July had her eyes narrowed, and was glaring at the duo. "You two are idiots." She growled in a coarse tone. Her voice didn't suit her, attributed to the Cuban cigars she smoked. Kind of odd to witness at first, but there was something strangely sexy about seeing a thick brown cancer-branch hanging from the corner of her mouth.

The wolfess on the screen frowned for a moment, scrutinising the humans gathered around the television set she transmitted to before she introduced herself. "I am Empress Nadia Longue, empress of the Harlot Empire. You are already familiar with my empire, the drones you have been so heartily combating for the past two solar-cycles were my recon drones. A reasonably small invasion force compared with the onslaught of warriors and war-machines yet to come. So I stand before you, Earthling Resistance, who have fought so valiantly in vain, with an offer. Surrender yourselves to my will, as those who attempted to fight the Harlot Empire have before you, and you will be spared a painful death. What say you?" she finished on an eloquently casual tone.

B1ue and R3d opened their mouths, but froze. Likely they would say something snide and revolting. Diplomacy wasn't really their thing. So both kept their frozen expressions and turned to July. Best leave diplomacy to the diplomats.

Hell, even the other resistance leaders were silent, looking at July, waiting for her permission to speak.

"Ugh, if you want something done..." July rolled her eyes and stood before the empress's image. "You. Take a quick step back and quite literally GO FUCK YOURSELF!" she suddenly screamed. "YOU THINK YOU CAN JUST INVADE OUR PLANET... MY PLANET AND START MAKING DEMANDS LIKE THAT? NEWSFLASH, BITCH! YOU JUST TREADED ON JULY TERRITORY! YOU WANT SOME OF THIS? THEN BRING IT! BRING ANYTHING YOU GOT, WE'LL SEND YOUR PUSSY-ASS ARMIES CRYING TO MOMMY! BEFORE ALL THIS IS OVER I'M GOING TO RIP OFF THOSE DOUBLE-D'S AND PISS IN YOUR LUNGS!"

Shock, was probably not strong enough a word to describe the feelings that had tightened around everyone witnessing July's exquisite display of diplomacy.

"Damn, Joules." B1ue muttered with surprise.

"I have such a boner right now." R3d admitted, his eyes behind his sunglasses growing abnormally wide.

For the final kick in Empress Longue's face, July literally kicked her in the face. Her boot connected with the television set and launched it across the tent. When it crashed into the floor, there was a deafening crack and the image turned to black.

"July, what have you done!?" one of the other resistance leaders exclaimed. "We could have negotiated! This was our... ticket... to the... survival... of..."

He trailed off and fell silent as July turned around breathing heavily. Her delicate brow was furrowed and heavy forming a rigid glare. It was an odd, but common sight. R3d and B1ue knew damn well July's temper was as fiery as the colour of her hair.

"We don't give those extra-terrestrial fuck-heads a God-damn thing. Fuck these aliens!" July snarled, pounding her fist on one of the surface maps.

"Yeah! Fuck 'em!" R3d cried, but he slowly retreated as all eyes snapped in his direction. "Uh... with bullets. Fuck 'em with bullets."

"You two!" July pointed out R3d and B1ue. "I have a job for you two. We're going to hit that bitch where it hurts before she can even get her affairs in order. Show her exactly who she's fucking with. You up for it?"

R3d and B1ue smirked, looking at each other. Asking the duo that was like asking if the Pope was catholic... which he probably wasn't, but we're not going to go into insane conspiracy theories about religion right now...

So I'm gonna assume that if you're reading this, you're a resident of the planet Earth. If you're not, then it's obvious my book has been broadcast across the galactic internet, and I'm going to have to have a sit-down with my copyright lawyers.

But in all likelihood, the aliens aren't invading your home simply for the heck of it. That would be stupid, and if the aliens are that stupid and you still fell victim to their idiocy, well then you damn well deserve to be invaded.

So say you're on Earth, the aliens will likely be after one of three things.

One, Earth is mostly covered in water, and is the only planet in the known galaxy to have it in easily accessible supply. Carbon based lifeforms need water to live, and assuming your newfound alien friends are carbon based, your planet is an open buffet!

Two, Earth has oil. That's right, it's not just the rich guys in cowboy hats who want oil. The aliens might be after the natural resources to fuel their ever expanding war-machine.

Three, breeders. Yup, you heard me right. There is always a chance the aliens are in need of breeding stock, in which case you will be abducted, probed, bound and raped for the rest of your fragile life. There are better ways to go down, but there are worse ways too... depending on the alien.

If you're really unlucky, the aliens will be invading for all of the above reasons. So how do we stop it? And by 'we,' I mean 'you!' C'mon, I Carl Goodrich! I don't have time to fix all your damn problems! I'm a busy man, and how are you going to learn how to stave off alien invaders next time if I do all the work for you?

So, the key to eliminating your alien invaders is to find their weakness. And every creature in the known universe has one guaranteed weakness. Reproduction. Find out how those suckers reproduce and put a stop to it! When their numbers dwindle, yours increase and you can strike!

'But mister Carl Goodrich, sir. How do we find out how they reproduce?' What am I? The dali-friggin'-lama!? This is an alien invasion 'guide.' Not a mother-friggin' manual! I'm not holding your hand here, sport! Figure it out. And when you do get back to me. I wanna know details. I'm gonna have to be honest, I'm not even sure if the above reasons for invasion are legit. This is theoretical science, kids. We're just throwing stuff at the wall to see what sticks.

The last thing Nadia saw before the image went black was a boot connect with the image on her view screen, and everything turned to jagged static. A similar response to the other resistance groups spread out across planet Earth. With a sigh, the Harlot empress rose from her throne, waving off the assistant holding the monitor before her.

It mattered very little. These humans seemed fleshy and frail. No doubt the empire's armies would make short work of this resistance, and then enslave whatever was next. They would make good grunt infantry, or perhaps hardy workers on the factory ships.

Silent in contemplation for what was to come, Nadia retreated to her chambers. Still, a smile remained plastered. She remembered what new toy was waiting for her there. The Mimosen from before, the defiant one who had openly spoke out against the empress. That girl would need to be taught a lesson.

The doors to the empress' chambers slid open as if sensing the Harlot's presence. Inside, the bed was the dominant feature, a semi-circle laid against the far wall, partially covered in a drape canopy fixed to a single point on the low vaulted ceiling. The room itself was elegantly curved with doors to various walk-in wardrobes on one end with various dressers and drawers on the opposite end.

And there she sat in silence at the foot of the bed, one hand nervously fidgeting at the silken sheets covering the luscious matrass. The Mimosen was staring at the floor and didn't glance up as Nadia's entrance was preluded by the sharp click of her heels on the floor. Standing idle by the girl's side was one Lantian royal guard. The Lantian's rifle hung from her back as she bowed deeply for her empress.

"What is your name?" Nadia asked in a false kind tone, slowly approaching the girl.

"Lana." The Mimosen answered feebly, feeling the matrass beneath her bounce as the empress sat down.

Slowly Nadia reached out and touched the girl's back. Lana recoiled, but had nowhere to go under the Lantian's watchful eye.

"Lana." The empress repeated. "That's a very nice name." slowly, Nadia slid backwards, pulling her legs up onto the bed and positioned herself behind Lana. Gently she reached out and tenderly touched the girl's shoulders. Her fingers started kneading and massaging the younger girl's shoulders, causing her to squirm lightly. "You seem nervous, Lana. Do I make you nervous?" she added, moving her muzzle close to the Mimosen's ear and whispering sweetly.

Lana shook her head quickly. It was then Nadia noticed something.

The empress' hand slid down over the girl's shoulder and touched the gauntlet on her right forearm. She recognised it! It was the same... the same as the one that earthling wore! The one standing in the background before!

Nadia's claws suddenly dug through Lana's fur and she pulled the girl down, pinning the Mimosen on her back. The Lantian guard quickly slithered closer, towering over the girl in case she tried to break free.

"The gauntlet!" Nadia snapped. "It is the same one that earthling was wearing. What does that mean? You have contacted the humans before?"

Innocently, Lana shook her head. As she did, her gauntlet started to glow. A little at first. Little slivers of light glowing across the surface. Golden light emenating from the veins that pulsed and grew across the surface of the gauntlet. The Lantian guard was mesmerised, unsure what to even go. Nadia glared at it, then hung her head over Lana's and snarled, bearing her brilliant white pointed teeth.

"What does that mean?!" she nearly screamed at the Mimosen girl.

As she did, the he deck rumbled. The Lantian looked up with a start, backing off slowly. Another rumble shook the ship around them, and Lana smiled feeling a warmth consume her right arm. Empress Longue's claws were no longer hurting her. She felt safe. Protected.

"They add balance to the galaxy you have thrown off balance." Lana whispered, clenching her gauntleted hand. The piece of armour was glowing like a sun now, slivers of the golden light stretching up over the fur on her arm and shoulder.

An explosion was audible now, and as it rumbled outward, so did the deck. The whole ship seemed to sway for a moment as Nadia slipped off of the bed. She looked around, feeling her flag-ship shudder in pain as more explosions racked the decks not far away. Slowly, the empress looked at her Mimosen prisoner.

Lana was smiling broadly as she sat up. "It means the scales are about to be tipped..." she said before the golden light consumed the room...

Okay, so my publisher informs me maybe I shouldn't have mentioned the fact this is all theoretical science. Now I'm informing all of you, who the hell does he think he is? I know who I am! I'm Carl Goodrich! I'm the author! What does my publisher do, anyway? That's right. Not a damn thing! He signs the cheques and goes off to play golf for the rest of the week. I'm the damn writer, I can talk about theoretical science all damn day if I want.

Alright, simmering down, on with business. You've managed to discover the alien weakness. Good work, sport. Now we expose that weakness for our own ends. And by our own ends, I mean my own ends. You're going to have to go in and do your thing, kid. Don't worry about dying horribly however. Your memory will live on...

For about three to five weeks...

It was almost impossible to believe. In fact, neither R3d nor B1ue would have believed it... if they weren't living it.

The humans were on board the alien mothership doing what they did best. Kicking ass and offending the masses under a hail fo lead and bigotry.

R3d was the first to break up the chatter of their gunfire, sweeping into a hall and letting his AA-12 rip along with his mouth. They weren't fighting drones anymore. These aliens on board the mothership were new. Tall snake-people, both had agreed to call 'Nagas.'

"You know what I hate?" R3d asked loudly, ducking sideways. One of the nagas managed to get a shot off with the laser rifle it held. Ignoring the ringing the impact left in his ears when the round hit the wall beside his head, R3d let loose a three-shell burst and ripped the alien in two.

"Dare I ask?" B1ue stated plainly, marching backwards as the duo progressed back through the mothership. It had been thirty minutes since they first boarded through the hangar bay. The two had been tasked with planting explosives in the ship's main drive core, without which it would be sent plummeting into the ground, ensuring the destruction of the alien armada's flagship.

"When they make that sucking noise through their teeth, like they're trying to cool their tongue after eating something spicy." R3d suddenly said as he paused to reload. An empty drum slammed into the ground as a fresh one slid into place under the bulky weapon.

B1ue frowned behind his mask, lowering his own rifle. "... dude, what the fuck are you talking about?"

"Porn actors, man. Even the chicks do it!" R3d suddenly exclaimed in a pissed-off tone. "They make that generic, throaty 'ooooh' and 'aaawww' noise, then whenever they muster the brain capacity to actually pause and take a breath, they suck it all in through their teeth making that really fucking irritating hissing noise. It's like listening to a pair of snakes have at it."

"... and this is relevant how?" B1ue asked letting loose a round. The Barrett kicked a large empty brass shell out over his shoulder as the .50 caliber round tore through a naga's chest. The creature had attempted to dodge, but instead clumsily writhed into the path of the bullet, causing green goo to splash the wall behind it.

"And another thing." R3d cried, not giving it a rest. "What the fuck is it with the camera cutting up to the guy as he orgasms!? I'm sitting here, jacking off to a girl having a good time, then at the point of release the camera spins to a guy who looks like he's sucking vinegar through his fucking eyeballs! I don't wanna see that! Show me the girl! Why do I need to hear or see the guy? Ninety-nine percent of the porn audience is male! Why do porn directors feel I have a need to have an eye-full of hairy man while I'm jacking off!?"

"Dude... we just infiltrated the alien mother-ship, planted a big fuck-off bomb in the drive-core and are trying to make it out of this hellish labyrinth with our asses halfway intact! And you want to talk about jacking off to porn now!?" B1ue fired another shot as they progressed with enemies on all sides. The weapon clicked and he dumped the empty magazine, fishing on his belt for another.

"Yeah, dude. Why not?"

B1ue gave his friend a hard stare, before defeatedly cradling his rifle across his chest and turning his head away while he reloaded. "... Tera Patrick."

"Tera Patrick?"

B1ue gave a sharp nod, gazing off into the distance. "Tera Patrick." He repeated simply.

R3d gave it a long hard think, until a smile suddenly lit up his face as he remembered a certain porn actress' certain point-of-view scene. "Aw, dude. Tera Patrick."

R3d turned again to see a naga slither closer in a bayonet charge. It let out a loud hiss, towering over R3d... before the human let fly a dozen shots. The creature flinched with every impact of burning hot buck-shot. On the last shot it crumbled to the ground with a loud feminine cry.

"Forgive your enemies, bitch! But never forget their names!" the broader human cried. "And the names you should remember are Reid and... eh... dude, what's your first name?"

"Lee, dude." B1ue added.

"Yeah, Lee. I... wait, are you Asian, dude?"

"Does it matter?" the skinny human shrugged.

"Well... no, of course not. I just figure it something I would have picked up on after all this time we've been friends."

"Well here's something you maybe should have picked up on, buddy. How about my fucking name!?" B1ue snapped, pushing his way past R3d.

Up ahead was a dead end, ending in a sealed door. When it came to brute force, leave it all to R3d. When it came to subtly bypassing a door, that was B1ue's area of expertise. Slinging his rifle, B1ue took a knee and held up his gauntlet. A series of small probes and tools popped out of the knuckle plate and he started working at the panel. As he hunched over his work, the human didn't notice a shadow slide up from behind.

The naga shot around the nearby corner and launched herself at B1ue's back. Her claws were outstretched, hair flaring up like a head of hissing snakes. The maw was open wide with fangs bared and glinting in the light.

R3d threw himself against the naga's side, crushing her against the wall. Gasping the alien collapsed at R3d's feet before he planted a boot on her neck. A deafening gunshot ripped at B1ue's eardrums, followed by the sound of the inside of the naga's skull splashing all over the deck.

"Take that, you special piece of shit." R3d barked.

B1ue gave a short chuckle, then realised something. "Did you just call that alien 'special?' What for?"

"What? I can't call it a 'retard.' The special needs folks will get all riled up." R3d shrugged standing over his friend. As he tried to see what B1ue was doing, the skinny human hunched over more to hide his delicate hacking process from prying eyes.

"But... dude, that doesn't apply if you're actually trying to use the word 'retard' as offensive."

"So you're saying I should just call them all retarded?" R3d rested his hands on his hips and gave his fellow a judgemental stare.

B1ue didn't see, and merely nodded. "Yeah, dude."

"Oh, so now who's being a racist asshole? You might as well just drop the N-bomb right now."

"Prejudice against retards has nothing do with niggers!" B1ue froze suddenly went pale behind his mask, realising what he'd just blurted out. After a short pause, he quickly set back to working on the door panel. "Oh my fucking God, dude. I fucking hate you."

"Don't worry, Jesse Jackson didn't hear." R3d chuckled knowing very well what he'd lured his friend into saying. "You know what? I'm bringing 'retard' back. I mean, c'mon. If special people were so fucking special, why were they the first to die during the opening invasion?" he paused for dramatic effect before answering himself. "Exactly. Retards!" he added in a sing-song tone.

"This conversation is spiralling rapidly out of control." B1ue said in a deadpan tone, choosing not to further fuel the fire.

"So how about this gay marriage thing?"

"No! no-no, nononono." The door slid open. B1ue stood up and marched through the bulkhead. The conversation, as far as the taller human was concerned, was very much over.

"Homophobe."

The duo stepped out onto the new deck. This chamber was huge, with various alien aircraft hanging in racks on the high ceiling, and crates lined away to the far left. To their right, a hundred or so metres away was a massive doorway with rounded corners dominating the wall. Through the opening in the hangar deck they saw a vicious dog-fight raging outside. Bombs shook the hull as they impacted the alien mothership. Alien fighters screamed this way. Human helicopters and gunships floated that way. Tracers and explosives filled the air, choking everything with soot and debris.

"Looks like they're going at it." R3d stated. "We ought to detonate now!"

B1ue nodded in agreement. If they detonated the bombs they had placed now, they'd go down with the ship. But they would sacrifice themselves for countless others.

There was no argument as B1ue pulled the detonator. When it all came down to it, you couldn't argue about self-sacrifice the same way you argued about porn, or political correctness. Self-sacrifice always ended in tragedy, but in the end, for the greater good, it was always the best option.

B1ue held up the detonator and looked at R3d. the shorter human slowly nodded. B1ue closed his eyes and tightened his finger around the trigger...

They came out of nowhere and piled onto the humans. One grabbed B1ue from behind and slammed him face down into the ground. The detonator skidded away, his rifle clattering the floor in the opposite direction. He felt the naga's claws dig into his neck as she screeched.

B1ue cried out, feeling a surge of power tense his muscles. His gauntlet glowed red, sending slivers of crimson light streaking across his skin as he slapped his hands against the ground. In one smooth motion, the human twisted around and swung his left fist around. As he twisted he saw the naga towering over him, her mouth wide with fangs nearly completely pointed outward.

His fist connected with her cheek and completely dislocated her jaw, causing the alien creature to tumble to the ground. Her coils tightened around B1ue's waist, dragging him on top of her as she rolled over. The powerful constricting muscles blocked the human's ribs, forcing him to take shallow breaths, before he couldn't breath at all. As he landed on top, B1ue's hand clamped around her throat as his gauntlet raised high.

Over a commotion filling the air with noise, B1ue listened intently to a metallic 'shling' emanate from his gauntlet. A small pointed dagger flipped around, extending from the knuckle plate as the human held the weapon high for a moment.

Time seemed to freeze. A thought flashed through B1ue's mind. What if these nagas were like slaves? Soldiers forced into Empress Longue's empire?

And as quickly as it came, the thought faded away. Quickly it was replaced with 'fuck 'em.' If a species as feeble and as flawed as humanity could stand up to the fuzzy skank and her armies, why the hell couldn't an armada of power naga-things?

"Welcome to Earth!" B1ue forced out before his gauntlet-blade slammed home in the naga's throat.

The creature gurgled. Her eyes rolled and her muscles went slack in a short moment. Her snake-like body uncoiled from B1ue's waist and let him drop to the deck catching his breath.

He couldn't rest for long though.

"DUUUUUUUDE!!!" came R3d's voice.

B1ue looked up and saw his friend was being overwhelmed by three of the nagas. The muscular human managed to stab one in the neck with his gauntlet-blade but was in turn held down by another to let her partner claw at the man's chest.

B1ue jumped to his feet, tugged his pistol from its holster and held it at arm's length. His left finger pulled the trigger of the detonator. His right pulled the trigger of his side-arm. The gunshot was drowned out by the explosion that caused the deck to rattle beneath his shoes.

Bullets slammed into the side of the naga's holding R3d down. The one clawing at his chest died, thrown sideways with a volley of lead.

B1ue twisted around, dropping the detonator and catching the pistol in a steady two-handed grip. That was when the secondary explosions rattled the deck. The ground started tilting as the hull groaned painfully all around them. The hangar was filled with a loud screech of metal, and the howl of air rushing past the mother-ship's hull. B1ue suddenly stumbled back a step and wind-milled his arms for balance. Looking down he saw the corpse of the naga that had jumped him slide past, slowly making its way to the gaping hangar bay doors. Looking out through them he could see green, the ground of a park rushing closer with each passing moment.

The whole damn ship was going down exactly as planned.

B1ue looked up and saw a crate on one of the wall racks come loose. It careened across the tilting hangar, slammed into the deck with a crash and bounced. The box shaped chunk of alien steel span through the air and slipped right over R3d where the last naga was pinning him down. The crate smashed into the naga, wiping her out in a pink splash.

As the creature was literally torn off him, R3d sat bolt-upright crying out.

"Holy shit, dude!" B1ue screamed. "Did you see that?"

"See it?" R3d yelled back over the near deafening groan of the warping hull now filling the air of the hangar. "I was sitting right fucking under it!"

As R3d grabbed hold of the deck, B1ue noticed his rifle laying not far away. Slotting his pistol into its holster, he darted towards it. His boots slipped under the steep angle the deck was hanging at now as he stooped to grab the weapon. That was when he heard a crash.

The lanky human looked up and his eyes widened behind his visor at the sight of another crate that had shaken loose from the rack now nearly directly above his head. The box slammed into the deck and was careening towards him.

"Oh, shit!" he cursed, diving out of the way. As he soared through the air, hands stretching out to a nearby seam between deck plates, the crate bounced past his heels and audibly smashed his rifle.

B1ue's fingers slipped into the seam and he jerked to a halt, hanging against the deck that was now perpendicular with the ground below. He looked down and saw grass. The park floor was just metres away... and rushing closer.

The ship crashed into the ground. Clods of earth shot into the air, filling the hangar bay. The explosion of dirt rose around R3d and B1ue as they cried out, carried downward at first with the sudden halt of the alien mother-ship, then torn back upwards with the wave of rock and earth shooting up. The ship buckled and tore all around them. More explosions filled the remaining air inside the ship with deafening noise. B1ue couldn't even hear his own cries anymore. Invisible fists punched him from all sides. His limbs twisted awkwardly stretching every muscle and tendon and straining every joint and bone in his body.

Through the swirling darkness he managed to look down. His arm... it was glowing. Not blue, like when he stealthed. Not red, like when the device inexplicably boosted his strength... it was glowing yellow. And for some reason, he felt safe as the golden light started travelling over his skin and wrapping him in warmth...

The comfort of unconsciousness took over and everything went black.

So we come to the end of our alien invasion survival guide. And it is at this point we learn our most valuable lesson. When in doubt, nuke everything.

Of course, you may find the future of the human race is living in a nuclear apocalypse. But, hey. When life gives you lemons...

... you take those lemons and turn them into hand-grenades. What was life thinking, giving me lemons? I'm Carl Goodrich. I'll turn those lemons into lemon-grenades and burn the God-damn alien armada down... well, actually I'll have people like you do that for me. But lemon-grenades, man!

That's right. Lemon-Grenades.

Think about it...

The city was on fire. Alien ships were slowly pulling away, letting the sun break through and shine it's warm rays upon the wreckage. What used to be the armada's mother-ship now lay as a jagged carped over a park district. One edge of the colossal ship had clipped a building on her descent and levelled the structure, toppling it into the next apartment building. All across the park the trees and shrubs and statues had been crushed, and jagged plates and rubble lay exposed like a rotting wound on the face of the city.

A few clusters were on fire, flickering bright orange with purple bursts. A slanted armour plate groaned noisily in the silence and collapsed with an echoing crash. There were seemingly no survivors...

Until some thing moved. Some rubble, a tangle of panels and wires shifted and rose slowly. Underneath was a large sheet of alien metal. It folded up, revealing a crimson glow emanating from the tomb beneath. A hand slammed against the plate, glowing bright red slivers across the gauntlet encasing the muscular forearm.

Crying out, his strength augmented by his gauntlet, R3d pushed harder and shifted the wreckage to one side. Unevenly he rose from the rubble, a skinny arm wrapped around his neck. As R3d rose, B1ue followed, carried by his friend.

R3d's vest was torn, one of the suspenders hand slipped over his shoulder and hung along his leg and his sun-glasses were missing to reveal his pale blue eyes.

B1ue was missing his XM500. Instead, the hand wrapped around R3d's neck was clutching his pistol, and his right held on to his mask. His face was revealed, for the first time in a long while. B1ue was the same age as R3d, but had skinnier features and stubble covering the bottom half of his face.

The human duo struggled out of the hole, then collapsed along the edge in the debris, coughing and catching their breath from the smoke that choked parts of the crash site.

"We have come dangerously close to acquainting our own mortality." B1ue rasped between coughs. The duo managed to twist around and sit against a hull-plate sticking out of the ground at an angle.

R3d slowly shook his head, shifting his AA12 from his side into his lap. "I don't know what 'morality' means, but I vote we go get some cake." He said, disregarding a distinct difference between 'mortality' and 'morality.'

They'd done it. The mother-ship was scrap. The clear blue sky was... well... it was clear. Alien ships were moving away from the area where their flagship had fallen. They weren't breaking for orbit, but at least the duo had dealt a crippling blow to the alien morale. It was almost over...

Or so they thought...

"YOU!!!" A woman's voice screeched. Both humans visibly jolted before their heads turned to see some rubble shift not far away. Atop a hill of junk, some plates tilted, and started sliding down one side of the slope. Soon, standing atop the hill of junk was the empress herself.

They recognised her from the TV back at Lambda Base. "Hey, it's the fuzzy skank."

"Ugh." B1ue groaned tiredly at R3d's outburst. Mainly because the wolfess was pointing a weapon at them.

Empress Nadia Longue had certainly seen better days. Her elegant gown was ripped and hung from her form only just about maintaining what little dignity she had left. There were some visible scratches and bumps, blood caking some of her fur. And then there were patches of fur that were just clean singed off down to the pinkish skin underneath. She looked partially like those ugly-ass bald cats that sit on grandma's couch and creep the hell out of you with an unmoving stare...

The wolfess was holding a rifle of sorts at hip height, pointed directly at the humans. There was nothing they could do. Raising their weapons would only shorten their life expectancy further. "You think the Harlot Empire is undone!?" Nadia screamed at the top of her lungs, causing her voice to break. "We have endured thousands of years, conquered millions of planets! This pathetic little planet of water and dirt will not be the end of us!"

"I think she fails to notice some serious side-boob there." R3d said in a low tone, leaning closer to his friend and pointing at the empress' chest area.

B1ue just sighed. "I will drop kick you into next week, dude."

"You still think this is funny!?" the fallen empress screamed, shaking the rifle she held. The action caused the final shred of her gown to fall loose and drape over the top of the weapon, revealing her partially singed bust to the humans.

"Well, at least we get to die happy." R3d joked with a broad grin.

In response, B1ue groaned, burying his face in one hand. "Just do the merciful thing and kill me first."

Empress Longue screamed with frustration, feebly trying to cover herself. After a short moment, she had a very human though run through her head. It went along the lines of 'fuck it,' before she lifted her weapon and squeezed the trigger.

R3d and B1ue braced themselves... well, B1ue was bracing himself. R3d was still staring and grinning like an idiot, trying his best to cover the bulge in his trousers with his shotgun.

'click.'

The trigger pulled all the way back, but nothing happened...

B1ue and R3d looked at each other. Nadia looked at her weapon with confusion. The human duo gave a shrug. The empress' eyes widened.

"Wha-"

B1ue snapped up his pistol in two hands. R3d followed. Both were ready to fire, fingers pulling back on the triggers... but they didn't fire.

Blood exploded from the wolf's chest. Her spine arched back as her rifle went clattering to the ground. Her hands clawed at the pointed blade that had erupted from the empress' sternum. Slowly she looked down, watching the blood flow out over her front, before the blade pulled back, disappearing back under her skin. As the weapon retracted the wolfess doubled over, then slumped over the side of the slope and fell out of sight, and out of mind.

Standing in her place was another alien, unlike what the duo had seen so far.

An anthropomorphic squirrel, she had light grey fur covering her thin frame. She was clad in what could only be described as a naughty-schoolgirl outfit, a short plait skirt, blouse fallen open at the front and hastily tied up to cover her breasts, with knee high socks and black shoes. On her right arm was a gauntlet. An identical gauntlet to those R3d and B1ue were wearing, a blade on the knuckle plate smeared with the empress' blood.

B1ue focused on it, then looked at his own.

R3d's eyes were fixed on the exposed mid-riff, legs, and what he could see of the squirrel-girl's cleavage. "Whoa, aliens suck so bad." He said a little absent mindedly.

The girl seemed to frown, then cocked her head and gave a half-grin. "Not all aliens are so bad you know." She said clearly, nobody having questioned the fact why all the aliens were speaking a language the humans could understand yet.

"Word." the human duo replied at the same time.

As they did, the squirrel's gauntlet flickered blue. Little blocks of white light slid up over her arm, covered her torso and slid over every inch of her body. Parts of her body turned transparent, and shimmered in the air. Before long the mysterious alien schoolgirl was completely stealthed and disappeared completely.

The human duo fell back with a combined sigh, gazing at the clear blue sky. B1ue was the first to lift up his right arm and inspect the black gauntlet fixed to his forearm.

"Dude, that alien chick totally had the same gauntlet as us. What do you think that means?" the taller human asked.

R3d shrugged. "I dunno, man. Don't really think I care either. These things make us badass. Enough information for me."

"Where did you say you got them again?" B1ue furthered.

"Ebay."

B1ue's eyes widened slightly before he turned his head to look at his friend lying in the rubble beside him. R3d had a dead-serious expression on his face as he stared at the fluffy clouds above. "Dude, no fucking way!"

R3d simply grinned and simply added: "Whatever you want, wherever you are."

Their moment of rest was once again interrupted by the sound of swooping helicopter blades. A harsh gust of wind blew over them, causing them to squint and raise their hands to shade their faces from the lighter rubble that was displaced. A black silhouette slid through their line of vision, and slowly the duo sat up to see a helicopter gently touch down on a flat section of rubble not far away. The side door popped out and slid aside to reveal July sitting in the rear compartment. She was, as per usual after a victory, holding a thick Cuban cigar screwed in the corner of her mouth, the tip glowing as she gave the tobacco-rod a hard blowjob.

She waved them over, bellowing at the top of her lungs, one hand clutching her cigar firmly: "YOU RETARDS ACTUALLY PULLED IT OFF! BUT THIS IS ONLY THE BEGINNING! WE'RE MASSING FOR ONE LAST OFFENCIVE! YOU THINK YOU'RE UP FOR IT!?"

'Think you're up for it?'

B1ue and R3d slowly rose to their feet and looked at each other. Grinning cockily, R3d flicked out the arms of his sunglasses and placed them over his eyes. B1ue maintained his usual deadpan expression as he pulled the elastic strap of his headgear over the back of his head and slid the mask over his face. Giving each other a nod, they turned to the helicopter and marched towards the vehicle. Be it fate, or just dumb luck, as the duo were walking towards July, something in the background exploded. Fire and smoke plumed outwards, framing the duo's slow-mo walk towards their ride.

Asking these two if they were 'up for it' was like asking if the pope was catholic...

... wait... that sounded kinda dirty...

Final Disclaimer: This has been a work of fiction purely intended for entertainment and is in no way at all realistic. SniperSpartan-977 and Carl Goodrich claim no responsibility over any kind of loss (personal/corporate/physical/financial/etc) after reading the above. Mainly because if you actually used this work of fiction as a handbook in the case of an alien invasion you are an (idiot/moron/gullible asshole), and should go (cry in the corner/kill yourself and save the human race a lot of future grief).