Extreme Hoarding!: The Dragon
#1 of RATV
Sorry about the formatting if it's a bit off. This is specific to film script formatting, but may have changed a bit due to the cutting and pasting to this system.
About the story: This is a spoof of a hoarding documentry program (ex. Hoarding: Buried Alive, Hoarders, Animal Hoarders). Some demented part of me enjoys watching these shows, and I thought...how great to have a dragon be shown as the hoarder it is. There's more humor in here than in a standard episode, and I hope to be writing more in the future along this vein. In script terms, this would run about 9 or 10 minutes. If anyone is interested in turning this into an animated film, please let me know. Any questions? Please contact me!
FADE IN:
EXT. ENTRANCE TO A CAVE - DAY
The camera pans in to the entrance of a cave, moving from an angle close to the ground, upward.
CAPTION
ISSELMET
ENGLISH COUNTRY SIDE
13 MAY 2011
INT. INSIDE THE CAVE - DAY
Now inside the cave, ISSELMET THE DRAGON is lounging on top of a pile of junk.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Isselmet is a 933 year old dragon who lives alone. She has been hoarding since the late 800's.
ISSELMET THE DRAGON
(Blows a puff of smoke from nostrils and rubs nose, while coughing asthmatically)
I don't get what the problem is. I'm a dragon. I hoard. It's what we do. All this stuff, it's treasure.
The camera pans around the cavern, which is piled high with various junk. Some of it is valuable treasure, such as gold and jewels. There are also many bones, plant life, both alive and dead, and small imp-like creatures running around in the mess.
COMLIAT THE DRAGON (V.O.)
My name is Comliat. I'm Isselmet's youngest daughter. I can't remember a time when my mother didn't hoard. I mean, yeah, okay...I can't help hold onto a few shiny things myself, but most of what mom keeps is junk.
INT. - PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Comliate is sitting in a plain room with a neutral background.
CAPTION
COMLIAT THE DRAGON
COMLIATE
(Looking sad as she relates her story)
And the smell...it was awful. That smell of decaying flesh and imp *BEEP* stuck in my scales. The other young dragons made fun of me. When I was old enough, I left to find my own cave. I haven't been back to see mom since.
INT. ISSELMET'S CAVE - DAY
ISSELMET
(Moves around the cavern, having difficulty getting over the piles of things. Picks up an old picture showing herself and a couple of younger dragons. Coughs once more and grumbles).
Ungrateful welps. All of them. I had 15 hatchlings, and some of them are still alive. None of them talk to me though. Won't even use their carbuncles to say hello.
(Tosses the picture onto a pile and moves on, having a fit of coughs that allow small belches of fire to escape her mouth.)
Eh, who needs 'em. I've got on fine without them so far.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Isselmet has been virtually alone for hundreds of years. She only leaves her cave to hunt and gather new items. On some days chooses not to leave at all, dining on the many imps that infest her lair.
Various pictures are shown on a black background as a voice talks about Isselmet's past. The pictures show Isselmet with another adult dragon, and some of her offspring (typical family photos of better times).
OSOLODO THE DRAGON (V.O.)
I'm Osolodo, Isselmet's oldest son. Things were great in the beginning, you know. Destroying villages, eating our fill of sheep and cattle. We were happy then; had all the gold and jewels we could ever want. Mom and dad, they dominated the whole land for as far as you could fly.
INT. - PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Osolodo is sitting in a plain room with a neutral background.
CAPTION
OSOLODO THE DRAGON
OSOLODO
(Grins as he relates his part of the story)
Oh, the humans would send knights after us all the time. For years and years they tried. We'd just smash 'em like it wasn't nothing. Ha, ha...good times.
(His demeanor changes and he looks down, shaking his head)
But one of 'em got dad. It's hard to admit that some humans got any kind of brains, but this one did. Mom fell apart after dad died. I feel kind of sorry for her. She just...gave up. And things started to pile up.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Like many dragons during the Medieval Period, Isselmet's mate, Cangulrama was slain by a knight. Isselmet has escaped this fate by keeping away from human populations. With the encroachment of humans, she has spent more time alone in her cavern.
INT. ISSELMET'S CAVERN - DAY
Isselmet is holding an imp, and stroking its head as if it were a pet.
ISSELMET
(Coughs while petting the imp. Her words are occasionally punctuated with coughs)
There were a couple mates after Cangulrama was killed, but they were all jerks. Just wham-bam, then off they went. They're spawn were worthless no-good whelps. I was better off without any of them.
Don't remember when the imps started showing up. Lot of dragons call 'em pests. Say they steal your loot. But I've found them comforting. They don't mind hanging around. They understand me. And they're pretty tasty.
INT. PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Once more Comliate is sitting in the plain room.
COMLIATE
I worry about mom. I mean, I know I haven't been to visit, but when I was there, she wasn't well. How long can someone live in those conditions? All those imps...it's unsanitary.
Again, Osolodo is sitting in the plain room.
OSOLODO
I went by there once, a couple centuries back. You could smell the stench about a mile away. She was sleeping, so I figured it was just better to leave her that way. It's hard to be miserable when you're asleep.
INT. JUST INSIDE ISSELMET'S CAVERN - DAY
Isselmet is moving toward the entrance of the cave.
DR. MOREY BANGLE (Tiger) (V.O.)
I'm Dr. Morey Bangle, a psychologist specializing in hoarding and OCD.
As Isselmet allows Dr. Bangle in, she appears to be apprehensive. She greats Dr. Bangle coolly, and reluctantly lets him into the cave.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Isselmet only agreed to allow Dr. Bangle into her cavern on the condition that he does not touch anything.
Inside the cave, there is junk strewn all over from the entrance into the main area, making movement difficult.
ISSELMET
(Coughs as she leads the way down into the cavern. And imp is riding on her head)
This isn't really necessary. There's no problem here.
DR. MOREY BANGLE (V.O.)
Isselmet is a classic example of hoarding behavior. She's also in heavy denial, which will make recovery very difficult.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
Thank you for letting me, anyway. I know this is an imposition.
Isselmet and Dr. Bangle are looking around the cavern.
DR. MOREY BANGLE (V.O.)
I've been in several terrible situations before, but I found it very difficult to breath once inside, Isselmet's cave.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
(Steps on an imp's tail, making it bite at his foot)
AH!
ISSELMET
(Looks back at Dr. Bangle who is holding his foot. She looks very unconcerned)
See. You shouldn't be here. They know.
(Coughs)
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Dr. Bengal received a medical exam after the incident with the imp. Imps can be very dangerous. They often spread horrible, insanity inducing diseases.
INT. PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Dr. Bangle is sitting in the plain room.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
Isselmet has a serious problem with the imps. They love the piles of hoarded trash, and she has grown attached to them. She even seems to be hoarding them. Unfortunately, if cleaning up the lair doesn't get rid of them, they will need to be exterminated.
(Raises a paw to his mouth as an aside)
I'm glad I'm not the one who has that job. She'll probably eat the exterminators.
EXT. ISSELMET'S CAVERN - DAY
Outside of the cavern, several garbage trucks show up, with an army of volunteers and social workers.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Isselmet eventually agreed to assistance in cleaning up the mess, but the mostly volunteer group has a lot of work ahead of them.
INT. PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Comliate is sitting in the room.
COMLIATE
I felt bad about ambushing mom with this, so I contacted her and let her know I was willing to reestablish a relationship with her if she was able to work on it.
(Pauses for a moment, reaching up to scratch behind one of her horns)
She threatened to eat me if I got anywhere near her.
Osolodo is sitting in the room.
OSOLODO
Some of us kids are still in contact with each other, and when Comliate told me about her conversation, I realized it was best if I showed up to help unannounced. If mom tried to eat me, I could defend myself better than Comliate could. I was always mom's favorite anyway.
EXT. ISSELMET'S CAVERN - DAY
The volunteers are getting organized. Isselmet is watching from the cavern entrance, looking very angry. Dr. Bangle is also there, listening to the cleanup crew.
BOB HOWLER (Wolf)
(Talking to the group of volunteers)
All right, we only have a short time, and this is a big space. I can't stress enough how important it is to listen to Ms. Isselmet's wishes. Nothing will be thrown away without her permission. Also, watch out for imps. You'll all be issued protective clothing to deal with them. Don't talk to them. Don't touch them.
Close up on Bob Howler, and he's leaning against one of the trucks.
BOB HOWLER
I was pretty afraid for my people at first. They had no idea what to expect.
(Glances toward Isselmet who is watching people work very closely, and bossing around several of the workers)
And I'm pretty sure she's going to kill someone before the end of the day.
Montage scene of the crew shoveling out junk, and moving things around. Isselmet regularly grabs things away from volunteers, and yells at them if they touch the wrong things. Progress is slow.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
While Isselmet was uncooperative with the volunteers, she did allow them to primarily do their job. Well into mid-day, no one had been eaten or burned alive. A few volunteers did disappear at one point, and are believed to have been kidnapped by imps. Their next of kin were notified.
A large shadow falls over the working people as Osolodo lands nearby. Isselmet looks over at him, and becomes rather agitated, seeming to forget about the others as she quickly moves toward him.
NARRATOR (V.O.)
The mood quickly changed with the arrival of Isselmet's son, Osolodo.
ISSELMET
(Flailing arms and wings as she rushes toward Osolodo)
WHAT THE *beep* ARE YOU DOING HERE!? I DON'T WANT YOU HERE! GET THE *beep* OUT OF HERE!
OSOLODO
(Snorts and stands up to Isselmet as she gets close)
Who do you think did this for you? Can't you see we still care about you, even if you don't giving a *beep* about us?
Isselmet and Osolodo start to fight, and both take off into the air, battling some distance away from the cave. The cleanup crew takes the opportunity to work fast and start throwing away a lot of the junk they were prevented from tossing before.
INT. PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Comliate is sitting in the room.
COMLIATE
Osolodo told me his plan, and I thought, perfect. He actually intended to pull her away so the cleaners could work. Guys' got *beep*, I'll give him that. I kind of wish I'd been there to see it.
EXT. ISSLEMET'S CAVERN - DAY
NARRATOR (V.O.)
Osolodo kept Isselmet distracted, and the volunteers worked quickly. They decided for the sake of staying alive, to get as much done in one day, and not come back for the second day of cleaning.
As the sun starts to set, the crew finishes up as much as they can, and leave. Dr. Bangle stays behind, waiting for Isslemet to return.
When the trucks pull away, Osolodo leads the angry for tired Isslemet back toward the cave entrance, where Dr. Bangle is waiting.
ISSELMET
(Coughing and panting as she lands just behind Osolodo)
Heh...heh...come back here! *Gulp, cough* Gonna...kill you! Heh...heh...
OSOLODO
(Turns to face Isselmet, grinning)
Yeah, okay. Before you do, why not take a look inside?
Isselmet looks around, her eyes (and ire) falling on Dr. Bangle.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
(Grins like an idiot)
Go on. I think you'll be pleasantly surprised. They did a wonderful job.
Isselmet growls and storms past Osolodo and Dr. Bangle.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
(Starts to follow Isselmet)
Now, please remember, this was done in your best interest. The team were very careful to only get rid of non-valuable items...
The camera follows Isselmet into the cavern. The entrance is completely cleaned out, and cavern walls are basically smooth.
Isselmet runs down through the entrance. At the end of the path, is a large, open cavern area where mounds of gold and jewels are tastefully lumped together, leaving pathways between them.
ISSELMET
(Roars and coughs, puffing up large billows of smoke)
GONE! ALL GONE! ALL MY THINGS! MY TREASURES! MY IMMMMMPPPPPSSSSS!
OSOLODO
(Grabs Dr. Bangle's shoulder)
Uh...you might not want to go in there. In fact, you'd probably better leave.
DR. MOREY BANGLE
(Glances back)
But she needs...
A large belch of fire erupts from the cave, blasting away Dr. Bangle. The fire doesn't seem to bother Osolodo at all.
There's general screaming and panic as the camera crew starts to run from the site. Osolodo quickly flies away from the cave entrance as Isslemet bursts out, spraying flames all over the place.
INT. PLAIN ROOM - DAY
Comliate is sitting in the room.
COMLIATE
(Shrugs and shakes her head)
It's too bad, really. I would have liked to reconnect with mom. There're so few dragons left these days. I guess that's just how it goes sometimes.
Osolodo is sitting in the room.
OSOLODO
(Laughs)
That's my mom. She'll probably outlive us all.
BLACK SCREEN
CAPTION
DR. MOREY BANGLE, FIVE VOLUNTEERS, AND TWO CAMERAMEN WERE KILLED DURING THE FILMING OF THIS EPISODE.
CAPTION
ISSELMET HAS REFUSED ALL FOLLOWUP.
FADE OUT