It's Always Sunny in Liberty City- The Gang Goes PETA
3:39 P.M.
Broker, Liberty City
At an animal shelter
On a Thursday
AW- How 'bout this one?
Sylvr- No, there's not enough meat on his bones. Yuki, you finding anything?
Yuki- No! I told you guys, I'm not helping you look for dogs.
AW- Dude, just pretend we didn't tell you about Mr. Lee's restaurant using them to make cheap chop suey. Now c'mon, we need to get enough dogs to render 50 pounds of meat.
Yuki- This is so wrong on so many levels.
Sylvr- Oh shut up dude. You're the one who always leaves porn up on the computer. Serially, your parents are gonna find out you're a furry if you keep doing that.
Yuki- They already know.
AW- Do they know you're also a hermaphrodite dragoness who likes it hard?
Yuki- Nooooo....but's that's just one of my RP characters.
AW- I don't think that'll make much a difference with them.
Sylvr- What I don't get is why it's taking Jon and Reuben so long to find a parking space.
AW- It's rush hour, it's not easy man.
Meanwhile-
NW- NO! DO NOT CUT IN FRONT OF ME MOTHERFUCKER! Lays on horn
P59- Sunava bitch! He's still coming over!
Crash!
NW- Shit! That bastard clipped me! And now he's speeding off. Well, not for long. Floors it
P59- What are you doing man?!?
NW- I'm taking his ass to court if it's the last thing I do.
P59- Can't we just find a dark alley and beat the shit out of him?
NW- Right! What did I say?
P59- OLD LADY IN THE CROSSWALK!
NW- No, no, I'm pretty sure I didn't say that...
THUD!
Dead woman bounces onto the windshield and off to the side
NW- Oh...so that's what you meant.
P59- >.<
AW- Okay, how many we got picked out?
Sylvr- Well there was that bloodhound-terrier mix that looked uglier than Al Sharpton's butt...and probably tastes as good.
AW- It's cool, the Chinese know how to slather just about anything in sauce to cover up its original taste. It's why they're beating us in the labor market.
Yuki- How does that make any sense...AT ALL?!?!
AW- Yuki, shut the fuck up, I'm talking.
Yuki- >.< Eff you, I'm gonna be over here texting Kayla.
AW- You do that. And...oh look! They have a husky in here.
Yuki- O.O WHERE!?!?
AW- Right...
Yuki- OH MY GOD! SO ADORABLE! runs over to cage and starts petting him through the bars OH GOD HE'S SO SOFT.
AW- Yuki...you know we're gonna kill him out back and turn him into a plate of Mongolian Beef right?
Yuki- NO! You're not killing this one! We're taking him to be my pet, and there's nothing you can do about it!
AW- Shhhh! Dude, ix nay on the turning it into food food...ay...
Sylvr- Arctic...bro... you can't speak Pig Latin for crap.
AW- ...shut up.
Takoda- Wait a minute...you're rescuing us so you can EAT US? O.o
Yuki- Holy crap! He can talk! =DDDDD
Takoda- No shit Sherlock, now get me out of here!
AW- Wait a minute...Koda? What the hell are you doing in there?
TK- Arctic? What the hell are you doing harvesting dogs for Chinese food?
AW- ....I asked you first.
TK- I got arrested for jay walking and they didn't want to put me in jail cause I'm not human.
AW- xD So they thought it was a better idea to stuff you into a 20 cubic foot cage? You're a fucking six foot tall anthro husky!
TK- Evidently...this is why I hate New York and liberal bureaucrats in general.
AW- Alright, where's that shelter manager? Hey yo, buddy! We're ready to cash out some dogs now.
Manager- Very good sir, which ones will you take?
AW- Uhh, Sylvr let me have the list real quick. Okay, we'll take that pair of beagles, the border collie, the Australian Shepherd, that bloodhound-terrier monstrosity...and this anthropomorphic husky/wolf mix here.
Manager- Umm, are you sure you'll be able to properly care for all of them sir? This seems like a lot of animals for one group of young men like yourselves to handle.
AW- Trust me, they will be well cared for in the most sacred ways of Chinese tradition.
Manager- ......what?
Yuki- HE'S GONNA COOK THEM YOU FOOL!
Sylvr- slaps Yuki in the back of the head Dude! Shut up!
Manager- You're what?! Get the hell out of here!
AW- Draws Glock Alright, we'll do it the hard way. Give us ALL the dogs and promise to never speak of this again and maybe we won't shoot your tits off!
Manager- I lost mine to skin cancer you insensitive fuck!
AW, Sylvr, TK, Yuki - O.o
AW- Uhhh...TMI dude...TMI.
Suddenly a group of PETA protesters bursts in waving and flailing signs
Protester- Alright man, way to stick it to this goon!
AW- Huh, who the hell are you?
Protester- We're PETA man! We're here to help you liberate these poor creatures being held against their will! FREEEEEEEEDOOOOOOOM!
BLAM
AW- God, I can't stand those people...
Every dog in the place starts barking
Manager- Aggh! Shut up you friggin' mutts! You're giving me another migraine!
Other Protester- They killed Eddie man! Get 'em!
AW- You do realize I have a gun...with like...16 more bullets in it right?
Other Protester- Our love for these beautiful creatures will overcome your puny bullets!
AW- BLAM x16
Dogs shut up
Manager- Oh thank Christ, I was getting ready to throw up from that noise. Here, you can take these mutts, I don't care anymore.
AW- Sweet! Thanks bro.
Manager- No, thank you. I was sick and damned tired of having those dickhead protesters paint balling me every time I get out of work.
AW- Alright then, lets load'em up and get the hell out of here before the cops show up.
Sylvr- Hey dude, where's Jon and Reuben? Shouldn't they have parked the car by now?
P59- OOOOHHHHH MYYYY GAAAWWWWWD!
NW- Shut up Reuben! I'm in hyper focus driving mode here!
P59- WE'RE GOING DOWN A ONE WAY STREET...THE WRONG WAY!!!!
NW- It's okay...I'm from Australia.
P59- How's that going to help us catch...
Jon suddenly turns down an alleyway and back onto another street to be put right behind the hit and run driver
NW- I have you now asshole! pulls pit maneuver and forces their car to spin out of control...into a school bus full of children
CRASH...followed by secondary explosion from the gas tank
NW-....oh....crap. Didn't mean to do that.
P59- At least none of those kids got hurt...I hope.
Bus pulls away seemingly unharmed...save for a piece of fender sticking out the side
P59- Oh right! I forgot that they armor plate the school busses here to compensate for the fact that no one here can drive.
NW- 'cept for me, cause I'm actually a little inebriated right now.
P59- ????
NW- What? It helps my concentration. You should see me when I try to play video games sober, it's like watching a locker room gang rape.
P59- Uhhh....huh.
NW- Wait...weren't we supposed to be parking the car to go help Kyle pick out dogs and stuff?
P59- No, we were supposed to engage in a high speed chase to get someone's insurance info only to kill them in a fiery crash.
NW- Huh, 'cause I could've sworn we needed to go pick Kyle and them up.
P59- facepalm
AW- Ugh, where's Jon with the damn car? And why won't he answer his phone?
Yuki- Maybe because he doesn't want to kill a bunch of innocent dogs for food you sick bastard!
AW- Hey, I don't want to do this either! But if we don't get Mr. Lee his meat, he'll kill us instead! And I know you don't want that because you fear death like......death.
Yuki- Don't remind me.
Manager- Alright so are you gonna take these dogs or what?
Yuki- NO!....well...except for Koda, we'll take him.
Manager- Great, that'll be fifty bucks.
Yuki- Serially? That much?
Manager- What? It's a good price for a dog his size.
Yuki- sighs. Opens wallet to realize all his money was blown on Bad Dragon toys Uhh...hold on. Hey Arctic...can I borrow your cough credit card. cough cough
AW- Balls no! And get Ricola, you're coughing like a chain smoker.
Yuki- No stupid, you're credit card.
AW- Oh...right. Here yah go. hands over switch blade.
Yuki- Turns back to Manager Alright I think this'll cover it. KA-STAB
Manager- Ouch! You little fucker that was my arm!
Yuki- Arctic it didn't work!!!
AW- Just do it again till he quits squirming.
Yuki- Stabs Manager repeatedly Okay...I think that did it. Now...takes master key for the cages BE FREE MY FURRY FRIENDS! RUN LIKE THE WIND! Opens all the cages
Suddenly all the dogs bolt out and run through the door into the street
AW- Oh shit!
Sylvr- Yuki don't let them get outside...oh god this is gonna be bad.
Cacophony of car horns and tire screeching as multiple cars break to avoid the dogs...only to swerve onto the sidewalk and into other lanes to crash into one another, as well as newspaper stands and pedestrians as the dogs all escape unscathed down an alleyway
Yuki- Yay! They made it! Wooooooohoooo!
AW- Uh...dude...I think you just killed a bunch of people by doing that.
Yuki- O/////O ....well...maybe but...it was worth it right?
AW- Uhh, well let's see. Is Mr. Lee gonna kill us now that we didn't bring him his meat as requested?
Yuki- ears flatten ...uhh...probably.
AW- Then put on this lipstick.
Yuki- What? Why?
AW- Cause I like to be kissed, BEFORE I GET FUCKED! THANKS FOR SCREWING US OVER YUKI.
Yuki- How was I supposed to know they'd all just run away like that!?!
Sylvr- Uhh...does the fact that they're all stuck in cages 24 hours a day not scream that the first thing they'll do when presented with freedom is...oh I don't know...run like hell?!?!
AW- It's okay...it's okay. At least we're not going to hell for killing a bunch of dogs now.
Yuki- Hell doesn't exist you moron.
AW- Try living with a woman who hates your girlfriend's family and you'll change your mind.
Yuki- xD
Sylvr- Hey wait...did we ever get Koda out of his cage?
AW- Aw crap! Hang on Koda! Dash's back into animal shelter
Koda- HEY! I'M STILL IN HERE! GUYS? HELLLOOOOOO?
AW- Don't worry dude, just grab my paws and I'll pull you out.
Koda- grabs paws
AW- Alright now...PULLLLLUUURRRGGHHH....gah! Hahh...fuck...Yuke...Yuki give me a paw pulling his tubby butt outta this thing.
Koda- Hey!
Yuki- Grabs onto Koda's left paw and tugs URRRGGHHH! Fffuhh...paghhhh...I don't think he's comin' out of that thing.
Sylvr- Hold on hold on, I'll just tip the cage over and get gravity on our side.
Koda- Wait...what?!!
Sylvr- Pulls shelf down onto the floor Annnnnd....TIMBER.
CRASH
Koda- Ack! Fuckin' bitch my face!
AW- Nice one dude, now he's stuck ass up, face down with two hundred pounds of Home Depot fencing on top of him.
Koda- crunch OH SWEET BABY MOHAMED...I think I just chopped off part of my ring finger...
Sylvr- It's okay, that one's useless unless you need to get married or something.
Koda- >.<
NW- Oh c'mon Reuben, why can't I drive us back?
P59- Because I still need to marry a rich coed with a trust fund and low moral fiber who'll let me use her money to open up a chain of my own restaurants so I can retire at 50, dump her ass after she provides me with enough sons to take over my empire, then use a shyster lawyer to get out of paying alimony so I can spend my money on loose women who'll become my harem of trophy wives.
NW- And how does me driving affect that?
P59- slams brakes
NW- Face dashboard! OW! Krikey I think you chipped my nose bone...
Suddenly two guys get in the back of the car
Harley Morenstein: Ah finally! Does every cab in America just ignore you during rush hour?
P59- Hey buddy, this isn't a cab and...WHOA! You're the guy from Epic Meal Time! And...OH SWEET JESUS IT'S MUSCLES GLASSES! :D
Muscles Glasses: 'sup.
HM- So I take it you two hairy chimps watch the show huh?
P59- Fuck yeah man! I got every episode downloaded from iTunes.
HM- Then maybe you'd like to help me and Muscles here with the next episode.
NW- NO WAI! REALLY? :D
MG- Yeah man, me and Harley here are the only ones on the crew who didn't get sick from last week's Jack Daniels Syrup Beer Battered Bacon Shrimp Waffles episode.
P59- What? I thought you guys never got sick from eating your own food!
MG- It turns out we can still get salmonella from contaminated Chinese shrimp.
P59- Oh lawdies.
HM- So if you guys have some extra friends to help us cook and eat our next concoction we'd be able to get a new episode out by next week instead of next month.
P59- Oh yeah...I know some guys.
Sylvr- Okay...now just tip the cage over one more time and...there!
Koda finally plops out of cage
Koda- I hate you all...so much right now...but I can barely move for some reason.
AW- That's because you've been stuffed into that crate for the last three days.
Koda- Four.
AW- Whatever. Let's just get him out to the street so we can load him up in the trunk.
Koda- Wait what? Why do I have to ride in the trunk?
AW- Because my car only seats five, and we have to idiots driving it around the city at the moment.
Koda- >.<
Yuki- Hey, looks like Jon and Reuben are back...and they picked up a couple of guys it looks like.
AW- What?!!?
P59- KYLE! Put the dogs back in the cages, I got us an even better plan to make Mr. Lee his money!
Sylvr- Whoa...are those the guys from Epic Meal Time?
Koda- OH. EM. GEE.
AW- Don't hate us anymore do yah now Koda?
Koda- ..........nooooooo. :3
(Batman Transition!)
HM- I'm here with some furs! They all like meat, and they all owe the Chinese mob a sh-(quack!)-ton of money! So to help them out, we're taking a little trip to a faraway paradise island...made of MEAT!
(Gong!)
Meat Volcano
(Paradise in inferior animal form)
HM- We all know how Pacific islands start: with lots of meat! 25 pound Butterball turkey, that's fu-(quack!)-in' smart!
takes roasted turkey and places it ass up on plate, tied down by twine
That's the turkey base player. camera pans to Muscles Glasses cooking flank steaks
Muscles sautéing steak. Mountains of delicious steak. Wraps turkey in flank steaks Next level mountain sides, now with 100% more colon cancer causing goodness.
Yuki- Psst, Kyle...we don't actually have to eat all this do we?
AW- Shh! Dude, shut up!
Yuki- He's know I'm a vegetarian right?
AW- punches Yuki
HM- Guys, wtf?
AW- It's nothing! Yuki just wants to do the meatballs, right dude?
Yuki- Heh...umm...yeah.
HM- directs cameraman to point at Yuki slicing meatballs Yuki Kurosaki rockin' his Asian knife skills making bacon wrapped meatball boulders!
Secures meatballs with toothpicks to the side of the flank steak
Boulders 2.0, now with more meat!
Camera pans to Arctic chopping up sausages and securing the pieces together with toothpicks to make stick figures
What's this? Original Bangers villagers? Now that's just wrong...as in it's fu-(quack!)-in' beautiful.
Places sausage villages at base of meat volcano
Aloha you little bastards, it means both "hello" and "goodbye!"
Camera pans to Sylvr ripping open packages of Oscar Meyer bacon
Jim rockin' his pork, 'cause that's haow foxes roll, playah! And that's how we raise meat VOL-CANE-NOES!
Harley spreads open the turkey's orifice at the top of the volcano and starts laying bacon strips around the rim
Pork volcano. With bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips (inhales) and bacon strips and bacon strips and bacon strips.
Camera pans to P59 grating cheese
HM- Product59's too busy to grind his meat, cause he's grindin' cheese! Loads of cheese...
Product places a row of steak fries around the base of the volcano, then drizzles cheese over them and then into the turkey's orifice..es.
Cheese fries beach, cause sand just keeps finding its way into our hater's panties.
Camera pans over to NightWolfz pouring Jack Daniels into a saucepan making the Jack Daniels BBQ sauce from the Ben Roethlisburger episode
Night WOLFZ rockin' that Jacky D like a mofo, mixin' up a mean Jack Daniels ah-saowace!
NW- Fu-(quack!) yeah! takes magnum of Jack Daniels and swigs down the remaining half of the bottle...then throws it down as hard as possible onto the floor
SMASH
NW- (Lion rawrs while trying to burp)
(Slaps paws over mouth and blushes)
O///O
//<
>///>
Uhh...cut back to the meat!
HM- Takes saucepan of Jack D BBQ sauce and starts to drizzle it over the volcano Ah drippin' dat barb-bee-que, ah-saowace! BBQ sauce lava, hater this sh-(quack!)-t's too damn hot for you to even think 'bout trollin'!
Koda- Sniffs It's so beautiful, it's almost a shame we have to eat it.
AW- Damn right.
Calorie Counter: 45,635 calories
Fat Counter: 3500 g of fat
Camera pans to everyone sitting in front of a table with the Meat Volcano proudly displayed in the center
HM- Tonight, Epic Meal unveils paradise incarnate...and then devours it before the haters can book airline tickets.
Yuki- Umm, excuse me? Mr. Morenstein?
HM- Gives cold stare of death
Yuki- Uhh, just so you know, I can't eat any of this. I'm a vegetarian soooooo, yeah. This kinda grosses me and...
HM- Draws Glock HATER WHAT DO YOU KNOW ABOUT BACON?!??!?
Yuki- Flattens ears Oh god...
AW- Dude just shut your trap and eat!
Everyone proceeds to devour the meat volcano while this song plays. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=4p4h3pTnG-w&feature=related
AW- Knaws on turkey leg while double dipping in the BBQ sauce
Sylvr- Stuffs a load of bacon strips in his mouth while also ripping off a piece of steak
Koda- Noms on several meatballs while trying to wash them down with some Jack D
NW- Rips piece of steak off and wolfs it down while stuffing cheese fries into his mouth
Yuki- Hesitantly eats a bacon strip, then notices Harley looking at him so he grabs a meatball and stuffs it in his maw
P59- Chugging some Jack D, then ripping off the other turkey leg and biting a big hunk out of it
After everyone's finished, Harley looks at the camera
HM- Next time, we eat Hawaii.
Yuki- Throws up uncontrollably all over the floor just as the camera cuts off RRRAAAARRRGGHHH! ...oooohhh, gods.....I don't think I've felt this sick since that time I had....I've never been this sick....passes out
AW- Picks Yuki up and hoists him over his shoulder Alright, well we'll just get out of your hair real quick. Thanks for lettin' us be on here man.
HM- Hey no prob Arctic, you guys did good. Also, Reuben told me about your little predicament with Mr. Lee, so to help you guys out, we're gonna give you 50 pounds of bacon.
AW- =D
(Back at the Penthouse)
Knock knock knock
AW- I got it! opens door Ah, hi Mr. Lee.
Lee- Alright Mr. Worf, where my meat? You have my fitty pound o' dog rike I asked?
AW- I did yah one better. We didn't get you any el cheapo dog meat...
Lee- WHAT?!? I ask fol dog specificry! That's how my guys make our Cantonese styre chow mein!
AW- Well we would've gotten it for you, but instead we got you something else. HEY KODA! Bring out the meat!
Koda- walks in carrying a box filled with 50lbs of Oscar Meyer bacon Here you go Mr. Lee, fifty all American pounds of pork. This stuff costs seven bucks a pound too, and we got it for free, so...
Lee- YOO IDIOTS! I can't use bacon in Chinese fewd!
AW- Well....what can you use it for?
NW- If I may, Mr. Lee, where does it say you can't use bacon in Chinese food? Perhaps it is time that the wonders of the East, like General Tso's Chicken and eggroll came together with the wonders of the West, aka bacon. =3
Lee- .......that not bad idear, I try that. Okay, you guys are off hook for today. I be back tomorrow and you do more job. Ciao! closes door and takes bacon with him
AW- Whoa, nice save Jon, I thought he was gonna kill us for sure.
NW- No probs. Now, tomorrow's my B-day. What'd yah get me? =D
AW- .....oh shit...forgot again.
NW- -.- You dick.
AW- Don't worry man, I know just how to make this right.
NW- ???
(The next day in the building's indoor pool)
AW- Voila dude, check it out.
NW- NO WAY! You filled the pool with cherry Jell-O!!!!!
AW- Actually I just poured like 30 pounds of the instant stuff into the pool pump and let the magic happen.
Sylvr- Whoa nice, cannon ball! jumps into jello only to sink to the bottom and hit his tail bone on the concrete GAH! Fuck that hurt....
P59- That's cause you're in the shallow end you moron.
AW- Also, one last thing. Becca come in here!
NW- Becca?
Jon's wife walks in wearing bikni
NW- Becca! =D
Becca- ^,...,^
AW- Yup, I flew her out here to make up for forgetting your b-day for like two years in a row. So, guys, I'm sorry but we can't use the pool since these two are gonna be yiffin' like rabbits in it.
collective AWWWWW C'mon!
AW- Out! Let's give'em some privacy, a'ight?
Everyone but Becca and Jon leaves.....to the security camera room
P59- Alright I brought the 12 packs of Dr. Pepper and Mug root beer.
Sylvr- And I got the pork rinds. Arctic, those cameras working?
AW- Ho hoooooo yeah! Now, lets focus a little and...there.
Yuki- o.o Whoa! Look'em go!
AW- Yup, Jon must've guzzled a can of Noss before we left this morning.
Koda- Hey, just to clarify.....this isn't creepy is it?
AW, Yuki, Sylvr, P59- .........>.>......nawwwwwww.
Continues watching the yiffs
Mr. Lee walks in on Jon and Becca
Lee- ACK! HORRY SHIT WHAT THE FOOK YOU TWO DO?
Becca- AAIIIEH! :O Covers herself up
NW- Oh...shit, Mr. Lee I can explain....Arctic....
Lee- WHAT YOU DO TO MY POOR! ROOK AT THIS THING! The whore pump ish ruined! This cost me fifty thousand doorah to repail!
NW- O.O Oh fuck....ummm....should I get out so you can get on that?
Lee- No! You two get back to fooking rike rabbits!
Becca- Excuse me? What did you just...
NW- Ahem...uhh...I think that's a little inappropriate don't you?
Lee- No, since someone turned on that security camera and it's been recording yoo two for rast fifteen minute.
NW- O_o notices camera Oh shit....
Lee- Now get back to work, I go make copy of tape and sell on internet to pay for new filter pump.
NW- >.<
God, I am really sorry Becca, but I think we're about to become internet porn stars.
Becca- That's okay, just as long as your friend Kyle didn't see us I'm okay with that.
AW- Over PA system to Jon Hey dude, back with yiffing, we're already gonna have to cut this whole scene in edit.
Becca- ......that was him wasn't it.
NW- XO
KYYYLLLE!
AW- over PA again JOONNNN! =D whispers Cooter...
NW- x3 snickers Hehehehe, cooter.
Becca- Just promise me you'll kick his ass for this after we're done and I won't be mad.
NW- Kay. =3
AW- I can still hear you guys you know...
NW- Hey....shut up.
AW- I'll shut you up.
NW- Oooohh....UHH! ....haaahhhhhh.
Becca- ?????
NW- It's a thing we do on Xbox, you'd have to be there to understand.