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'So I take it that you had a really good time then...' 'Yeah, it was so awesome...' 'You know, you've been seeing him for a while now but you haven't even described him to me yet. The only thing I know about him is that he's a husky.' 'Well, he's black with a white chest-fluff and white toes... And uh... He's muscled. Terry has light blue eyes and short spiky black hair... I'm just slightly taller than him... And he's so sweet! He bought me an ice-cream at the mall today and he's such a great guy and-!' 'Yeah, I know he's a great guy, you mentioned that a hundred times now.' 'Wow, someone's a little snappy...' 'I'm sorry, I didn't mean it like that. It's just... I mean, I'm happy for you that you finally found someone... But... I haven't seen you in well over a year and... I just really miss you...' 'I miss you too, babe...' 'I want to come over, Ceylan, I really do... But if I'm not studying, I'm either working or sleeping... And I really need to keep up to pay for my studies...' 'I can come over too, you know...' 'Yeah, but I'm constantly working my ass off so I wouldn't have much time... You'll need a place to stay... And truth is, there isn't any if you don't belong on the campus...' 'I see... What about the holidays...?' 'My dad comes over during the holidays and we visit relatives...' 'Oh... I understand... Family always comes first...' 'Yeah... One day, I'll be back in Ravello, Ceylan, and everything would be the way things were... Either together or...' 'Or with our lovers...' 'Exactly... The point is that you and I will see each other again... That's the most important, right...?' 'Yeah...' 'Are you in love with him...?' Sam asked me quietly... 'In love? No... No, I'm not in love with him... Being around him just makes me happy...' 'Do you think that you and Terry would ever be together...?' 'I don't really like to think about it... I like him, I really do... But at this point, I really don't know...' 'It's obvious that he really likes you too from everything you've told me...' 'Heh... I'll just see what happens...' 'But... What about me...?'

Now there was a question I haven't thought of before... What would become of Samantha and me if I had a relationship with Terry...? Did that mean I had to leave Samantha in order to be with Terry...? That Samantha was just another competitor...? And what if Terry found out that I'm bi-sexual...? That one question that Sam asked me changed everything for me... It felt as if I had to make choices so all of a sudden... Either her or him... I would've chosen to be with Samantha... But then again, I knew her feelings for me weren't real... And besides, she wasn't around back then... So how was I able to make it work when the distance between us was so long...? 'Sam... We talked about this before...' 'Yeah, I know...' 'Heh...' 'Maybe it's time to consider letting each other go...' 'Perhaps...' 'Nothing would change, right...? I mean, between the two of us...?' 'Did anything ever really changed when we were together...?' 'No, not really...' 'Then I don't think things will change when you're back... You always told me to go out and meet new people... I think you should do the same...' 'Heh... You still need to buy a webcam so that we can see each other...' 'I'll add it on my shopping list...' 'Sweet...' 'Oh! By the way! Did I tell you?!' 'Told me what?' 'I'm getting those piercings tomorrow!' 'You are!? You're talking about those piercings in your ear?' 'Yeah! It took a while for me to think this through. I got the money now and now that I'm nineteen years old, I don't need consent from my parents anymore.' 'Do your parents know that you want those piercings?' 'Nope. Well, Simon does but Catherine can't stop me even if she already knew.' 'You cheeky lil' rebel...' 'Haha, hmm, yes, I'm quite the rebel, aren't I?' 'I wanna see it once you've managed to get them!' 'Sure thing, babe... Oh and uh... Guess what?' 'What?' 'I finally passed my drivers license test...' 'Ooh, nice!' 'Yeah! I failed the first time because I passed an orange stoplight but only because there was a truck driving behind me and it couldn't stop in time if I hit the brakes...' 'You failed because of that?' 'Yeah... If I did stop, the truck would've hit me in the rear and apparently, my examiner seemed to miss that bit...' 'Talking to your instructor about it didn't help?' 'Nope, so I had to do it again...' 'It's a good thing you passed now.' 'Fuck yeah... I'm getting my license next week...'

Four months have passed by ever since Terry and I went out on our first "date". And in those four months, Terry and I were hanging out a lot together... In those four months, I changed a lot because of him and it was there for everyone to see... Being the sourpuss that I was and looked at things so negatively all the time made me think, really... Why Terry always had that "happy go lucky" kinda attitude, not worrying about a thing... Managing to have fun wherever he goes... He's the kind of guy who could bring a cemetery to life... Figure of speaking, that is... And Terry was right... Being with him was good for me... Being with him changed the way I saw things... And for the first time in my life, I felt truly happy with someone... Terry and I did things together after school and during the weekend and the more I was spending time with him, the more I liked him... He's sweet, he's funny... Not to mention good looking... Terry and I went to the park today and we were just enjoying the weather on the grass underneath a large tree when all of a sudden, Terry received a football on the back of his head... A few kids were playing just ahead and one of them kicked the ball a little too hard... They apologized to him because well... Terry looks a little intimidating with his posture and everything so they didn't want to get in a fight with him. He looked at me and smiled, got up, tossed the ball on the ground and did all sorts of tricks to get by these kids and eventually scored... Those kids were gawping at him and his tricks while he walked back to me with a smile and about fifteen minutes later, one of them finally had the guts to ask if he could teach them. So he taught those kids a thing or two and at some point, he dragged me along to play football... Needless to say, I sucked so bad at it but I really enjoyed watching him with those kids... Every once in a while, he just looked at me and smiled...

The next day, I was all set to get those piercings while Terry went along. Once we reached the tattoo parlour, I felt kind of nervous before I stepped in... But then I saw that photograph of that lioness girl with the three piercings in her right ear in the window display... I could imagine myself wearing those... So after several deep breathes, I stepped in the parlour, being all confident and everything and let the dude behind the counter know what I wanted... After he checked my ID, I had to sign an informed consent to let you know about the dangers when you don't take good care of your piercings... So after reading it carefully, I signed it and once I gave it back to him, I knew that I had reached a point of no return...

'Three of those silver ones in my right ear.' 'Alright. You can hold them in front of the mirror to see how it fits you.' 'Wow...' I held one of the rings against my ear with my fingertips to see how it would look. I looked so different so all of a sudden... It's strange that something so small and insignificant can make you look so much different... After I saw that, I just knew I had to get them... 'Sweet... Alright, I'll do it.' 'Sure thing, have a seat over there and I'll be right back.'

Terry was watching my every move and somehow, he KNEW that I was actually scared shitless... He saw through that whole "tough and confident" attitude and all he did was snickering quietly as I took my seat, trying to keep up appearances... 'You're nervous, aren't you?' 'Does it show?' 'Oh yes... Haha...' 'Mind you, I'm the one getting piercings. I don't see you sitting in this chair...' 'You brave woman, you.' 'Hehehe...'

Several moments later, the dude from the tattoo parlour came back with a tray of equipment... He puts rubber gloves on and got out a bottle of stuff... Watching the stuff on the tray made me think he was about to perform a surgery on me or something... He carefully unwrapped a sterile bandage and used fluid from that bottle to disinfect my ear... And well, several moments later, he got hold of something that looked like a combination of a scissor and a tweezer and clipped my ear with that thing... And then, he got hold of a sharp needle like thing to make the hole in my ear... 'W-Whoa...! U-Uh...' 'All set. You ready?' 'Just gimme a sec... Pffff... Okay, I'm ready.' And I swear, I saw that long sharp needle thing getting closer to my right ear from the corners of my eyes and felt as if I could shit my pants any minute... 'Whoa, whoa, whoa! Wait!' 'Are you sure you want this?' 'Yes, definitely, I just need to relax... Okay, okay, I'm good...' 'Alright...' 'N-No, no, no, wait!' 'Oh, for crying out loud...' The dude from the tattoo parlour seemed to have infinite patience... Terry on the other hand... Haha, he had so much trouble to keep his laughter in... I walked in the tattoo-parlour with an attitude and being quite confident about myself but now that I was sitting in the chair, I was shitting bricks because of a fucking needle... Still... Terry noticed that I was scared... He walked up to me and placed his hand on my hand... And when I looked up to him, I saw that sweet smile on his face... His light blue eyes were staring in mine... The gentle strokes with the tips of his fingers over the back of my hand... And then he held on to my hand while his eyes were still fixated on mine... He's just so, so sweet... And then all of a sudden, something just changed, just like that... Feeling something in my stomach I haven't felt in quite a long time... I just drowned in his eyes and felt as if I was in some kind of trance or anything that I didn't notice Terry looked up to the dude from the tattoo-parlour and gave a quick nod... I felt a sting in my right ear and gasped when I felt that but wasn't really paying attention to it... All I could do was to look in Terry's eyes... 'That's the first one.' 'That's it?' 'See, it wasn't so bad.' 'No, not really...' 'Ready for the second one?' 'Sure thing, bring it.' 'Okay, here it goes...' 'Ow!! I felt that one!' 'Just try to keep still, okay? It's almost done.' 'Pffff... Damn...' 'Alright, second one is in. Now for the third one.' 'Okay...'

The third one...? It still fucking hurt but not as bad as the second one... But after he cleaned everything and held a mirror in front of me, I was looking at the new me... Those three piercings in my ear looked amazing... I never took them off ever since... After I paid for the piercings, I thanked him for putting up with me. He started to laugh and I received several folders on how to take care of my piercings. Great personal hygiene is a must seeing as its basically just an open wound and could infect easily if you don't take good care of it. As Terry and I walked back, I saw so many windows and each and every time I looked at it, I saw myself with those piercings...

Earlier that day, Terry said that he was supposed to go out but something came up so that two of his friends weren't going. He didn't feel like going anyway because he would go to a party of a friend of a friend of his and he doesn't really know anyone besides his two friends that weren't going. So after it got cancelled on such short notice, Terry asked me out... To go to a club or anything... But as you might know, that's not really my kind of thing... I tried it once with Sam but I hated it... Way too crowded, way too loud and the kind of music they're playing make my ears bleed... So he suggested something he hasn't had in a while... A movie night, just the two of, at his place. His parents weren't home because they were on vacation. So I accepted it, even though I had no idea what to expect once we were at his place... Alone...

While we were at the mall, we went to the supermarket to buy crisps and drinks for the night... Things to fry like eggrolls, but also these little meatballs with a very crunchy crust, filled with meat sauce, somewhat similar to ragout, only much, much better. They're called "bitter balls" and I absolutely love them... I don't know why they're called "bitter" because they're not bitter at all... Still, you'll have to be careful when you eat them. On the outside, it might not feel so hot but on the inside... I've burned my tongue countless of times because of it... And while Terry was throwing lots of stuff in the basket, I just looked around at the huge amount of groceries they had on display... 'You know, Ceylan, we know each other for a while now but it feels as if I hardly know you.' 'Well, what would you like to know about me?' 'What's your favourite dish?' 'Hm... I'd say kofte with rice.' 'Kofte?' 'Yeah, spicy grilled meat. I'm very fond of that... Hihi...' 'Ah, I see.' 'Anything else?' 'When's your birthday?' 'August thirty first.' 'What year?' 'Nineteen eighty-seven.' 'So that makes you...' 'Nineteen years old.' 'Hehehe...' 'You've got a lot of stuff in the basket by the way.' 'Well, if you're gonna have a movie night, you'll have to do it right.' 'True... We sure get to know each other a lot better judging by the things you place in the basket.' 'We ain't there yet. Hehehe... Oh, here's a good one. Terry fact number thirty six: I love Pringles Hot & Spicy.' 'Oh, me too! 'I'll just toss that in the basket then' 'Ceylan fact number twenty-six: I have a serious ice-tea addiction but only lemon ice-tea without bubbles. I don't like the bubbles in ice-tea.' 'Hmm... What if there isn't any ice-tea?' 'I'd probably die a thousand deaths.' 'Toss it in the basket then. Hehehehe... So uh, question of the day. Coca-Cola or Pepsi?' 'Definitely Coca-Cola... Pepsi is like, brown sugar water...' 'I think I love you.' 'Pepsi Max isn't really that bad though, but I'd still prefer Coca-Cola...' 'Sweet... I think that's everything we need.'

On our way to his house, I was very quiet... After I got in Terry's car and buckled up, holding the groceries, I wasn't saying anything... "What will happen once I get there...? Getting lured to his room...?" Terry was talking along the way but I hardly responded to anything he was saying... All I could think of was how I was gonna pull it off... To find an excuse not to go to his house... But my mind stayed blank... And at some point, he managed to get my attention... 'This is my place...' I looked up and saw we were making our way on a driveway of a rather humble villa compared to all of the other houses in the neighbourhood... A white, modern villa with red rooftiles... Once he parked the car in front of their two door garage, we got out... Their garden was so beautiful to see with so many colourful flowers and roses... It reminded me of the rose garden my mother had a long time ago... The scent of those flowers was wonderful... The whole garden seemed like a peaceful sanctuary... The sun was shining through the trees where birds were singing their song... And as I was walking on the gravel, I looked at Terry who stood patiently waiting at the door, smiling at me... And just like that, an eerie feeling crawled up my stomach... I looked down and firmly clenched the groceries I was holding in my hands... Slowly, I made my way inside and followed him...

Once I got in the hallway, I saw myself in the mirror on the wall... "Don't let him get to you... Watch his every move, keep your distance and you'll be fine... Kick his ass if you have to..." I took a deep breath and anxiously walked into the living-room... Two large, white comfortable looking leather couches were in the corner and near the window, a huge flat-screen TV with a Nintendo Wii and an X-Box 360... In the cabinet next to it was a fairly large amount of games for those consoles and even more DVD's... When I looked ahead, there was a large open kitchen with a cooking island and all sorts appliances... The kitchen counters were made out of shiny white marble... But what caught my attention was the view... In the back, near the kitchen, there was a large kitchen table with six seats that was next to a two story window, looking out over the ocean... Their back-garden had a large swimming-pool with a diving board and a separate jacuzzi... A flower garden with all sorts of beautiful and exotic flowers... And a large open grass field with two sun-beds... Near that, was a little shed and a gate, leading to a staircase that lead to a path to the beach... 'If you think this is amazing, you should see the sunsets here.' 'Wow...' 'Come on, lemme get that for ya.'

He got hold of the bag of groceries and placed that on the kitchen counter where he unpacked everything... The carton of ice-tea with no bubbles, the Pringles, everything... He offered me a drink afterwards but I declined... And after there was a moment of an awkward silence, he offered me to give a tour around the house... It had me on my toes to go upstairs with him but went with him nevertheless... I took my boots off and followed him upstairs, where he showed me his room... I look around and saw he had a large display case with miniature sports cars... A wooden desk with a computer on it... And a rather large bed, more like a one and a half person bed... "How many times did he get laid on that...? Would I be next...? He got me here for a reason, didn't he...?" I sat down on his bed and just stared into blank space... And I figured its best to just tell him... 'Dude...? What's wrong...?' 'Terry, there's something I need to get off my chest...' 'You do?' 'Yeah...' 'Well, what is it...?'

He sat down next to me and I moved a little over to create some space... All he did was looking at me, which made me very nervous... 'I like you... I-I really do... But I don't think I want this... I'm not like that...' 'What are you talking about...?' 'Isn't that why you brought me here in the first place...?' 'Whoa, whoa, whoa, hey, dude, back up a little. Just what are you referring to? Are we on the same level on this?' 'I don't think so, no...' 'I'm not like that...' 'I-I know you're not b-but...' 'Then what makes you say that...?' 'I don't know... I-I, uh...'

With that, he moved a little closer to me while he placed an arm around my shoulder... I turned away when he did while I didn't look at him... 'Ceylan, what's wrong...? I've never seen you like this...' 'I, uh... I-I've always had mixed feelings about you...' 'What do you mean...?' 'I really like you... Being with you makes me happy... And maybe... Maybe I really do have feelings for you... But that's what scares me the most...' 'I'm not following...' 'I just don't know what to do with these feelings...' 'Giving in to them is an option...' 'Is it...?' 'Heh... Look... I really like you too, Ceylan... You're so beautiful and so much fun to hang out with... I only wish I could see you smile more often... It makes you look so much more beautiful than you already are...'

My cheeks felt so warm the moment he said that... Him having feelings for me made me want to stay with him forever... Because he doesn't make me feel worthless... He makes me happy with the simplest of things... I wanted to be with him, even though I already knew it wasn't meant to be... 'You shouldn't waste your time on someone like me... You're a really sweet guy... But I would only hurt your feelings... And you'd be better off without me...' 'Dude, what makes you say all of these things? I really don't get it.' 'I'm a difficult person to be around with, Terry... That's why you, Samantha and Blain are the only friends I have...' 'Samantha's that girl who went off to college...?' 'Yes... You'll have to understand me... I'm not making it easy for someone to get so close to me because of things that happened in the past...' 'You've been hurt a lot before, haven't you?' 'Yes, you can say that... Samantha once told me that I had to open myself up to others if I ever wanted to be happy. I like you, Terry, I really do... And I'm glad to have you as my friend... I appreciate everything you do for me... But you shouldn't waste your time on me... I would only hurt your feelings... Because I don't know what I want, I don't know what I need...'

'Then what do you know for certain?' 'That I just need someone who stays with me and accepts me for who I am... That's all... I know I'm not perfect... I know I can be a little weird sometimes... I know I can be a difficult person to be around with... But I guess that's just the way I am...' 'Do you have feelings for me, Ceylan...?' 'Yes... I do... That's why it's so difficult... And... I wish there was a way for me to explain it but it's just that-'

And right that very second, he placed his lips against mine to shut me up... Right that very second, all those confusing feelings disappeared... Right that very second, I forgot what I was going to say to him... That eerie feeling that I felt in my stomach just seeped away like that... It made me realize that Terry wasn't any different than Samantha or Blain... And that I just shouldn't think about it... So I just closed my eyes and felt myself drifting away by those wonderful feelings I felt... "Just go with it..." I hesitated at first but I placed my arms around his shoulders nonetheless... I opened my mouth just a little so that the tip of my tongue touched his lips... When his mouth opened and our tongues touched each other, I felt all those tingles rushing through my stomach... My mind told me that it was wrong but my feelings said otherwise... All the insecurities I felt about him just vanished into thin air like that... I kissed Terry like I never kissed anyone in my life before... And even though that kiss didn't last long, I felt that it would change everything for me... I looked at him rather nervously... But all he did was to smile at me again...

Terry and I never really made it "official"... And we didn't need to... That kiss we shared made that decision for us... He gave me a big firm hug afterwards while I rested my head on his strong shoulder and closed my eyes as I felt another huge burden coming off of my shoulders... I felt so light... So peaceful... So... Happy... We sat on his bed in his room for a long time to talk while we were just holding each other... To be able to finally talk about my insecurities was so great... I guess it's something we all feel and Terry didn't had much trouble to understand that I had... I told him that I never really had a boyfriend before because of that... But of course, I didn't tell him the cause of all those insecurities... Why I kept myself at a distance with males... Even now, years later, I still have that... But to think to know that you finally found someone that makes everything feels right is so great...

Terry took me home at around ten o'clock... And just before I got out of his car, I kissed him once more... I tried to stay cool but on the inside, I was giggling like a little school-girl and once I got out, Catherine saw that I kissed him... The moment she opened the door, she smiled at me but that quickly got wiped off once she saw what I had in my right ear... 'Good God, what is that!?' 'Helix piercings! You like it?' 'No!' 'Hm... Too bad I guess because I do.' 'What's all the fuss about?' 'Simon, look what she did!' 'Oh wow! Didn't think you went through with that! That looks great!' 'You knew?!' 'Uh, nooooooo....?' 'Oh for the love of...' 'Why don't you like it? I mean, it's not any different than your earrings...' 'Ceylan has a point, you know...' 'It certainly is something to get used to...' 'Don't worry, you'll get used to it soon enough...'

I gave Catherine a hug and her mood changed when I did... Simon did his own things upstairs while Catherine and I sat in the living-room and she made us a nice cup of tea... Catherine had a huge smile on her face once I told her everything... And even though I went to bed with a good feeling, I couldn't help but to think at night... "Does that mean I need to have sex with him as well...?" It's a stupid question to ask yourself, I know... Everyone else might say that you should only do it if you feel comfortable about it... But the thing is, the thought of me having sex with a male didn't sound comfortable at all after what happened in the past... Even though I had my fantasies, I couldn't imagine me doing it with Terry... Having sex with Blain didn't count because I trusted him with my life and he's always been a part of it... I wanted to be with Terry the most but I just didn't want to have sex with him... Being with him felt so great and he made me so happy but I had the feeling that everything would change if we had sex... I once told Samantha that sex isn't mandatory in a relationship but now that I had one of my own, I wasn't so sure of it anymore... I felt as if I had to because that's the only way to show your affection and love to someone... I didn't want to think about it... But I knew he expected that I had to have sex with him sooner or later... And so, one burden fell off while a larger one came on my shoulders... And with that, many, many more insecurities than I had before...