FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

A true story...

The afternoon breeze freshens off the Pacific Coast, gusting over the eucalyptus trees and cutting through my coat and sweater, with chilling effect. Leaden clouds cut off the sun scudding across the gloomy gray sky. Ah, another beautiful summer day in San Francisco. Will Rogers once said, "The coldest winter I ever spent was a summer in San Francisco." Days like this renew my appreciation for his wry humor.

I can't believe I've been stuck in this old gray city over a year already. I've rarely stayed anywhere more than six months at a time--and never in such an urban wasteland. A peripatetic musician

and esoteric student, I've spent my adult years scouring the whole world for spiritual truth. I've been five times around the world, in over 30 countries, and never managed to settle down. Until now I guess. But why not get stuck in a tropical paradise like Ponape?

Sure, my existence is comfortable enough. I have everything I need in a material sense. Still, something is missing: after all my travels and study, I have the knowledge I sought, but have not yet reached the final realization. I'm content, but still not fully happy with my spiritual attainments. I know there is another level I have not quite been able to penetrate.

As usual, the streetcar stand is overrun with undergraduates escaping from the SFU campus to their barrios. There is little shelter from the cutting wind on the open platform. Finally the car arrives. Miraculously, a young Chinese girl offers me a window seat. Seniority does have its privileges.

As the crowded car trundles off, I settle into the world within. I mentally focus on an ancient Sanskrit mantra; the outside world dissolves and I am inside, waiting. For what or whom, I don't exactly know.

The purpose of the mantra is to reveal a special form of God: my personal Deity. It is the ultimate fruit of a quest that has taken me around the world over thirty years, and to so many cities, towns, islands and villages I've lost count. I found my Master Teacher before the age of thirty; it took me another twenty years to understand his teaching properly. Now I'm getting old and tired, but instinctively, I feel the end is at last within reach. The mature fruit of many years of study, service and meditation is about to manifest.

My trance deepens as I chant the secret mantra in my mind. Then into my mental world comes my old Friend, the Lion. We Vaisnava devotees all know and love Lord Nrsimhadeva, the fierce protector pastime form of Visnu. "Hello My friend," He says in His lovable growly voice, cocking His head as if listening. "You called Me?" "Hello, dear Lion. I am chanting the kama-gayatri mantra to find my istha-devata, my personal form of God. Can You help me find Him?"

Two years before, when I retired from the business world, I had camped out alone in the beautiful jungles of Kaua'i near a pristine beach. I kept to myself, just chanting the Hare Krsna maha-mantra more than ten hours a day. Finally, early one morning after six months of day-and-night chanting, Lord Krsna Himself appeared against the lovely background of the forest of the transcendental planet of Braja. He said simply, "You will attain Me very soon," and disappeared.

I was gratified, but His strange pronouncement and sudden disappearance left me confused. I thought I just had attained Him. In the Vedas, Krsna is considered the highest form of God. To see Him face-to-face is the most elevated goal of esoteric spiritual life. But when He appeared to me, it seemed that He indicated my final attainment was still to come. Apparently there was more sadhana to go, another stage of deeper meditation before I reached my goal of complete self-realization. The problem was, I was out of moves. I had no idea what to do next.

There followed an interval of several months of confusion, in which I floundered around, asking advice from people who were actually far below me in realization. Needless to say, that produced only more frustration. Finally, I approached my old friend, a senior monk from India who gave me some confidential advice. He told me that the sadhus of Vrndavana chant the kama-gayatri mantra to find the specific form of the Lord that is their eternal Master and spiritual Lover. So I began chanting this confidential prayer at every opportunity.

But like most Vedic devotees, my conception was that my personal Lord would be a form of Krsna. Or maybe if I was really fortunate, I would become a personal servant of Srimati Radharani, Krsna's female counterpart. Lord Nrsimhadeva, the transcendental Lion, was certainly welcome, but not who I expected this particular mantra to call.

Narasimha Lion just looks at me compassionately and smiles. His beautiful form is eternally youthful. Half-human and half-Lion, His handsome features defeat the beauty of the most beautiful earthly man or woman. Slim yet muscular, strong yet soft and furry, He is very affectionate to His devotees. His loyalty and fierce protection of His devotees is legendary in the Vedic culture.

The Lion Lord was a familiar part of my inner life. For decades He had appeared in my mind, seemingly at random. Most of the time He would just appear, smile, crack a joke and disappear. This time, He remains silent, regarding me with an expression I cannot decipher. Behind Him the gorgeous scenery of Braja gradually appears. Braja is the home of Lord Krsna and the highest planet in the spiritual world. The Lion looks completely at home in the opulence of that natural beauty. Behind Him great trees and snow-covered peaks rise in the background.

"This is My home," He says, smiling. "I am born here and live here eternally. My whole family is here too. We guard the beautiful planet of Braja and protect Her from unauthorized intruders." This is astonishing news. The scriptures tell us very little about Lord Nrsimha's origin and background, and nothing about His home planet. Could it be He is also a denizen of the transcendental planet of Braja? This is big news, a new revelation.

"Do not be surprised. I am your old Friend. You are My eternal lover. Do you want to come and play with Me?" He tilts His furry head and smiles at me, revealing His entire golden transcendental Lion form. He is simply gorgeous. Words fail to describe His astonishingly beautiful body. Like the jungle creature He is, He is naked. His long, curly golden mane alone is enough to make me lose my mind. Let's not even attempt to describe the effect of His charming smile, broad shoulders, muscular chest, slim sculpted waist and... everything else. I feel myself strongly attracted to His beautiful body. I want to embrace Him, make love to Him, have Him tie me up and...

But wait a minute; I'm not gay. I mean, I've been married three times. And I'm kinky, sure, but I've never made love with a man, let alone an animal--even one that is astonishingly human... I can't...

Resistance is futile. I feel something soft in my heart go snap. I am falling helplessly in love. Suddenly I want desperately to spend all of eternity with Him. It all fits, somehow. I can't explain it to myself, and won't be able to for a long time. But I have found my eternal home with this divine Beast. My lifelong search for God is over. I fall at His soft, padded lotus feet and bathe them with my tears. I roll on that sacred ground in ecstasy. He picks me up and embraces me, and I almost lose consciousness from an overload of pure happiness.

He tenderly places me on a downy bed of ferns, in the shade of a desire tree in the transcendental forest of Braja. Purring with pleasure, He lays down beside me and wipes the copious tears of love from my eyes with His furry paw. He looks deep into my eyes...

"Sir, wake up. We're at the terminal." I struggle back into external consciousness to find I have missed my stop. The streetcar is at the end of the line. What a fitting metaphor for the end of my search for God. Blinking in the cool purifying wind, I walk out into the beginning of my real life.