New Feelings: Chapter 7: Are you in, or are you OUT?
New Feelings: Chapter 7: Are you in, or are you OUT?
So, journal......let me first apologize for the excruciatingly long absence of writing. I'm not gonna lie, life has just been crazy! And not crazy in a good way, crazy as in "Oh my gods, I can't take it anymore, I'm just gonna end it all!!!" You know, even though you're an inanimate object I feel that I can, and do, talk to you like you're a person like me. So, you get to be my ranting board as well, just like a person like me! Here it goes:
Life has SUCKED!!!! It's caused by many different things; mostly school, grades, finals, etc. Also, there's summer to think about: I need to try to make some money for college, gas, and car payments (Yes, I got my license), and also how much time I can spend with Elliott. Who, may I add is an amazing Wolf and I'm unexplainably luck to have him. But there is a problem too; you see Elliott is somewhat out, and I'm well...To put it straight, I'm not...And he was sounding--I don't know--disappointed. So, I really have to make a decision...Do I come out? Or do I risk losing my beloved. And trust me, after all the work I did to get him and after the..."special" moments we shared, I don't want to lose him...*sigh* Decisions, decisions....
"Hey there, faggot. What're you up ta'?" The tall, muscular equine towered over me. His nostrils flared and his tail swished savagely from side to side like a whip. I flinched each time his tail changed directions, cracking through the cold and crisp morning chill. He completed a circle around me and spoke again: "What's the matter, tail-raiser? Afraid that your little faggot boyfriend won't show up to save you?" He shoved me, causing me to stumble a few feet towards an empty wall. He just laughed a bit when he saw me stumble. I didn't know what to do. My mind was racing, trying to think of something to do, something to get me out of this situation. Then I see it. The tormentor reaches into his pocket and pulls out a knife. I freeze.
"Whoa" I say, my eyes wide. "Y-you don't need t-to use that thing. I mean there's no reason." He just smiles at me and comes closer. Before I know it he's up against me, I can feel the heat coming off of his body, and I can see his breath as it escapes his nostrils. He brings his head in close to mine and smiles, revealing his brown and worn teeth. He lifts his knife slowly until it is in front of my eyes. He looks at it--then back at me--and smiling he says,
"Oh, but I do. You see, this is a faggot-killing knife. It works in a very interesting way: If you die, you're a fag, if not, you're straight."
"I'm not a--" I stutter a bit. "--A fucking tail-raiser you stupid idiot." I stare him in his cold and unforgiving black eyes. They're like voids that you can't escape. They take your very soul and leave you just a limp and lifeless puppet. He lowers his knife slowly, laughing. I did it! Yes! I think. Unfortunately, I think wrong. I glance around and see that a crowd of people has assembled around us and are watching intently. In my moment of distraction I fail to notice the position of the equine's knife. He seems to flinch, his shoulder mainly, and at first I don't feel anything. Then, I hear a scream, several actually, that all belong to female voices and look down. My body goes cold. There is a big brown hand on my side, lightly glazed with what I now realize to be my blood. Pain shoots through me, blood fills my mouth. My assailant takes his hand off the knife which is handle-deep in my side. Life seems to be going in slow motion as I fall to the ground with a thud and everything fades. My last thought is, My gods, he actually did it...
My eyes open as fast as lightning bolts and I lurch up in the bed, arms barely able to support me, hyperventilating and heart pounding. Everything is dark, although I can pick out certain items in my environment which lead me to believe that I'm in a bedroom. My headfur is soaked with sweat and I examine my body as to make sure that I have no knife wounds and that I haven't accidentally wet the bed. Luckily, neither of those things seemed to be apparent. The strange thing is--as I become to be able to rationalize and think--that I don't appear to be in my own room. My hypothesis is only strengthened when I feel an arm wrap around me and nearly pass out. It was Elliott's arm wrapped around me, making me realize that I'm not dead, but very much alive and somehow in his room, sharing a bed, and missing my underwear. I let out a ling sigh as I try to calm myself, lower my heart rate, and try to seed out which was reality and which was nightmare. Elliott stirred under the sheets and opened his eyes. He propped himself up on an elbow, using his other arm to wipe his eyes and cover a yawn and gave me a concerned look:
"Caylen, are you okay? Is something wrong?" His eyes glowed in the darkness of his room, his hand now holding mine. I let my head hang back with my ears down and clench my eyes shut.
"No, I don't think so" I say, taking a deep breath. "Just a nightmare, that's all."
"Well it's over now, your safe. I've got you here and nothing can hurt you, I won't allow it." I look over at him and try to smile, but I'm not sure what actually comes out.
"Thanks. I feel much better just knowing that I'm here with you and that you'll protect me. I love you." He scoots over in the bed, repositioning himself on top of me. I can feel his heartbeat; smooth, caring, loving. I feel the warmth of his body on me, oh how I love that feeling; two lovers, to bodies in their purest forms, touching, letting sparks caused by the sensation fly wild. He kisses me softly.
"I love you too, Caylen. Now, let's try to get back to bed, Hm?" I let myself relax a bit and lay back on the bed, my wolf on top of me, smiling.
"Yeah" I say. "And sorry for waking you up, let's just pretend it never happened."
Not long after our brief conversation he's asleep and breathing deeply and steadily. I try to focus on him and on our future together but I just can't do it--I can't stop thinking about my nightmare--about what life will be like once, or if I come out at school, or anywhere for that matter. It was just too real, too frightening. I mean, I know that there's gonna be people who disagree with my life, and I know some of them may want to kill me, but they won't because of laws and other things. I sigh softly and think to myself Well, it's only Saturday night so I can talk to him tomorrow. And, I mean it's not like I have to come out on Monday anyways. I need time to think about this. I turn my head towards Elliott's alarm clock which reads 4:14a.m., and look back up at the ceiling. You know what, it was just a dream, they almost never come true I tell myself.Finally, lost deep in thought, I was able to get some sleep and drift off into what I hope to be a pleasant dreamland when I heard something outside...