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WARNING

The stunts in this episode were performed by professionals, so for your safety and the protection of those around you, do not attempt any of the stunts you're about to read about.

"Hi, I'm Sergeant Sawyer, and you're reading Halo: FUBAR!"

[As the Jackass theme song plays, Sergeant Seth Sawyer proceeds to run across a flowery meadow, stark-bollock naked, lathered in honey while a group of Covenant drones crudely spray-painted with yellow and black stripes chase after him.]

"And now for something completely different."

Seriously though:

Seth manages to get to Locks, only to find him surrounded by Covenant warriors from a recon team.

"Okay, hear me out, I can explain this!"

Seth deals with the problem and eliminates the alien threat before he links up with Boone who extracts Locks, but not before promoting Seth to sergeant and giving him a new mission directive. Retrieve the UNSC Cuddles' AI before it along with the location of Earth falls into Covenant hands. For this mission, Seth is re-united with Sergeant Major Token and his marines.

"I know what the ladies like."

---***---

Halo: FUBAR

Chapter 07

[Objects in mirror]

> 2552, Olduvai, The Inner Colonies, Mission Time: 21 Hours.

The ride to the objective was nice. I had tanks all around me, more marines than I had credits in my savings account, and I could take off my helmet to munch down protein bars and energy drinks without the fear of a sniper - or friendly fire - taking off the ol' noggin'.

So on the ride, we sang.

"Oh, yeah!" the marines chanted altogether on board the Chick Magnet, our voices carrying over the raging motorcade formed around us. Token had his hands cupped over his mouth mixing up a beat to sing along to. As he drove, the driver patted the steering wheel, and we all nodded our heads with the tune. "Oh, my-my! I don't give a fuck about a D.U.I! You can take away my licence, but you can't take away my pride! I'm singin', oh, yeah! Oh, my-my! I'ma keep drinkin' 'till the day I die! 'Wart-hogs' are the way, I RIDE! Paba-daba-dum!"

We just looped our modified chorus over and over again, each progressive loop a little louder to see if we could drown out more of the convoy with our song. We didn't care for anything other than the chorus at the time, mostly because we couldn't remember the rest of the song.

Finishing my meal of carbs and sugar, I washed it down with a bottle of water then pulled my headgear on again and looked up through the 'hog' windshield. Good things always came to an end.

The UNSC Cuddles loomed into our sight. Our current path took us right to her, a convoy of over a dozen tanks and warthogs loaded with badass marines. The air was filled with the sound of roaring engines. Motorbike shows didn't have shit on us.

The Cuddles' tail end was sticking up into the air, and the whole ship slanted down into the ground nose first at a thirty degree angle. The sides were torn open, gaping wounds in the hull revealing the interior of the ship. I could see Covenant fighters circle the air above it. No doubt Covenant would be crawling all over the place.

"Lock and load!" Token roared. "Let's show those mutha's not to mess with the corps, God's very own anti-sons-of-a-bitches-machines! We're gonna rip out their insides, choke 'em with their own entrails, shit down their neck and fuck them up the ass with a rake! Ooh-rah!"

"Don't you ever get tired?" I asked.

"Dude, I'm working." Token chuckled.

I looked up again to see the fleet of banshees change course as we rolled closer. They formed a wedge formation, and soon enough I could hear the all too familiar scream of their anti-grav engines. Plasma guns flickered and blue bolts of energy flash fried the road around us. I ducked down, shielding my faceplate with my arm as a bolt hit the bonnet, causing the windshield to crack and spit splinters of glass into the air. A warthog in front of ours exploding, toppling over and spiralling through the air.

The driver swerved around the wreckage as it bounced, and I watched the dead 'hog smash into the tank behind us. Machine guns chattered, Scorpion main cannons boomed. The air was alive with death dealing weaponry aimed at the aliens.

"Sawyer!" a voice shouted.

I turned in my seat and had a weapon presented to me by one of the marines, stock first. A bullpup M392 DMR, the UNSC Army version of the BR55 battle rifle. I grabbed it and yanked back the action with a satisfying 'clack' before aiming up at the banshees. With the rest of the marines I fired the semi-automatic weapon. Cracks echoed out, the gunshots causing my ears to ring as the weapon kicked into my shoulder. Rounds sparked against the banshees' hulls and punched through. Several of the aircraft exploded and dropped to the ground as the UNSC ground fire turned them to swiss cheese. Others soared out of range.

It was then I realised that was only wave one.

Covenant ground troops loomed over the horizon, tearing closer as we rushed them. The main body consisted of grunts and elites, with jackals taking the front with their shields presented. Plasma screamed through the air around us, splashing against warthog and scorpion armour. I saw a marine mounted on a scorpion passenger seat take a round to the face and drop away without a sound. This was insane!

"Bull through!" I cried, planting one foot against the dashboard and holding my weapon steady. "Ram those ladyboy-magnets!"

"GTA, motherfucker!" One of the marines in the back yelled as our warthog crashed through a line of Covenant infantry.

The large all-terrain wheels crunched through the feeble barriers they had erected using rubble and rubbish. A cluster of aliens were thrown up and scattered everywhere, splashing the bonnet of the Chick Magnet a mix shades of blue.

"I hope that buffs out!"

I couldn't help smile, flipping by DMR over, holding it by the barrel and swinging it around like a crude baseball bat. Carried with the momentum of our moving 'hog, the butt of my rifle slammed into an elite's face. The creature let out a manly roar, but his face caved in and his head whipped right around like he'd been ripped out of a gory cartoon world.

"Wham, in the kisser!" I yelled looking over my shoulder to see the elite I'd twacked in the face crumple to the ground.

Looking forward again I saw the next line of Covenant defences rush us.

"Whoa, now!" Token yelled, pulling in his assault rifle and ducking down. "INCOMING!"

If my face were visibly through my silver visor, the others would have seen my eyes the size of saucers. The sun itself was blotted out by the incoming contacts. Fluttering green wall... no. Wave. A fluttering green wave looming over us and the convoy. There were thousands of them coming at us with equal speed we were approaching them with.

God-damn it I hated drones so much...

Buggers. They were buggers, in full flight chirping and chittering, plasma bolts flying from their pistols as they rushed the convoy.

The driver and I looked at each other for a long time, then looked out the front again. A split second we both cried out with terror. "WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!" Or something to that effect.

Our 'war-cries...' yeah, we'll call 'em that. War-cries.

Our war-cries were drowned out by the buzz of a thousand angry drones. They swarmed all over and slammed headlong into the warthog. Warthogs to our left and right were tossed over, pulled clean off the ground, and some weaved into each other causing explosions to spit out chunks of marine and drone. But apparently Chick Magnet had been modified with a bit more than a militaristic-pimping. We tore straight through, dragging about a dozen drones clutching our ride along with us, the engine of the Chick Magnet roaring like a beast tearing free from the bonds that bound it to the deepest darkest pits of hell. It must have looked ridiculous to see this vehicle emerge mid-jump from a mass of drones, random buggers scattering in our wake and a carpet of the bastards clutching to the front, sides and top of the warthog.

The warthog weaved for a moment, tires screeching before a fist smashed up and through the carpet of buggers hanging on. My fist.

I managed to kick off my seat and break through the mass of drones hanging on to us, tossing two off the free ride. They hit the deck and were nearly turned inside out with the force of the impact with the ground. Behind me Token and the marines did the same, punching their way up through the aliens hanging on. Token snatched one by the antennae and continuously bopped it in the face with its own fist.

"Stop hitting yourself! Stop hitting yourself!" the sergeant cried every time.

I managed to whip around and pushed the two drones off the driver who kept his foot rammed down on the gas pedal, then snapped my arm back and elbowed another in the face. Its head snapped back with a spray of spongy material and it tumbled away with a broken face. As the creature fell off my back I saw the other marines shove off our other unwanted passengers before we sat down again.

The driver was jerking at the wheel, weaving between covenant vehicles and smashing infantry into the pavement. Plasma turrets swivelled our way, but the bolts couldn't track us at the speed we careened through their lines.

"This will only end in tears!" the driver yelled visibly sweating. If I said I wasn't sweating at the time I'd be a dirty liar.

Suddenly the warthog bumped and something smashed into the windscreen. The glass cracked forming a spiderweb under the splash of fluorescent blood covering the screen. The grunt had bounced up the bonnet and now hung there like a bug crushed on the windscreen. Still alive, the alien screamed, staring me right in the face.

"Shit, shit, shit, I can't see!" the driver cried, trying to lean out the side of the vehicle so he could see what they were running into.

I panicked. I wasn't sure what to do... so I hit the windscreen wipers.

Jets of water shot up the grunts ass as the electronic scrapers shot up, slapping the semi-squished grunt in the face. The wipers retracted, then twacked him again. It went on for a while, three slaps in fact, before the grunt slid loose and flopped down the side of the speeding warthog. A bump in the rear tire told us exactly where he'd landed.

Water splashed the windscreen and the wipers scraped away the gore. And what we saw made us cry out again.

Directly ahead of us was a section of road, buckled and torn up forming a smooth ramp. And we sped right onto it.

"Aaaaaaargh!" the driver cried out, trying to stop the brake, but his foot miss and slammed down on the accelerator.

Everybody was sucked back with the sudden burst of speed as he curled into the ramp and angled upward. The lip of the ramp sped closer as my heart stopped. Everything seemed to slow down as all four wheels left the ground. Mid-flight, I heard Token shout something behind me, but it sounded wrong, deep and slow. Like he was being played back on a broken radio.

"Oooooooh... sssshhhhhiiiiiiiiittt..."

The nose of Chick Magnet angled downward as the side of the UNSC Cuddles rushed closer. All I saw was a gaping hole torn in the hull... and then nothing as we slammed into the side of the downed starship.

...

It was dark. I was laying in darkness, blackness stretched out in every direction. My memories lay all around me like shattered glass... or was that actually shattered glass? Reaching out I brushed it aside, then heard a groan. In the darkness I felt my hand smack against the side of a marine's head.

"Hey, no handsies on." The private groaned as he sat up.

I did the same, blinking away black spots and forcing my eyes to focus. The warthog lay crumpled in the corner. We were on board the Cuddles, the floor angling severely where the nose lay embedded in the earth. The wind whipped in through the breached hull where we had entered, forming a jagged-framed window down upon the UNSC forces clashing with the Covenant outside.

"Oh shit, Token!" I suddenly cried seeing the state of Chick Magnet.

She was totalled, the windscreen torn out, the roll cage bent out of shape and the entire forward section crumpled like a beer-can. The other marines were laying strewn but alive around it. But Token was nowhere to be seen. We scrambled to our feet and started tearing off bits of the wreckage, digging deeper into the warthog.

I threw aside part of the roll-cage and tore out a plate of armour searching for Token in the grim metal carnage.

That was when something sprang out at us. A figure leapt out of the wreckage like a jack-in-the-box. Debris scattered outward as we stumbled back and landed on our asses. Looking up and shaking my head, I saw Token land beside the gutted warthog... unharmed and very much alive.

"Holy shit, dude." I manged to sigh with relief, before I suddenly found my sanity... well, whatever was left of it. "Wait a fuckin' minute! Why should I be concerned for your safety? Nothing can fucking keep you dead!"

Token shrugged, dusting debris from his uniform. "Dunno what you're talking about, man." He suddenly realised something and turned on the spot to see the state of Chick Magnet. "Oh, baby no!" The marine sergeant ran over and hugged the buckled frame of the warthog, gently caressing it like he would a daughter who had just scraped her knee. It was depressing to look at.

"I'm sorry, man." I managed to say, resting one hand on his shoulder. "But it wouldn't have worked out between you two anyway. I mean, you're a marine. And she's a... well... a military assault vehicle."

A ripple of constrained laughter shook the marines as they climbed back to their feet.

"You're all assholes." Token stated in a deadpan tone. It was lucky I had a visor on my helmet, because it was impossible not to grin.

As we collected ourselves and located a floor-marking pointing us to the on-board transit station, I heard Boone speak in my ear.

"How are you doing, son? You get that AI yet?" the sergeant asked in a strangely demanding tone.

"You come out of the closet yet?" I answered with a question causing Token to chuckle.

"How about less of the bullshit, more of the 'complete the mission'?" Boone suddenly snapped, causing me to freeze mid-step.

Did that just happen? Did Boone actually react to something I had said? Was sanity finally returning to Olduvai? Though, after everything that had happened over the past twenty hours, I wasn't going to hold my breath.

"Yeah, we're moving, sir." I replied none the less, hoping for the best. Looking at Token, I saw the sergeant nod. I nodded back and we delved deeper into the belly of the beast... err... I mean, the Cuddles.