The End
#6 of a new direction
Soon someone came out from the operating theatre to talk to him, he didn't hear most of what they said but he could tell from his tone of voice, his expression and the odd snatches of conversation he heard.
"Tried everything...too much blood loss...nothing anyone could have done...so sorry".
Ryan was sure he could actually feel on half of his heart leave the other, wither and die.
The funeral was to be held one week later to the day, and Ryan had not been invited. In fact, he had not spoken to Nema's family since what happened; they seemed to have completely cut him off. None of this helped Ryan in his feelings of guilt over Nema's death, he already blamed himself, in his eyes the fact that Nema's family wouldn't talk to him was confirmation of this blame. Even now, 6 days after the incident, all Ryan could see was the expression on Nema's pale face as she lay on the operating table; an expression of complete hollowness, hopelessness, as if Ryan had managed to extract and destroy every last shred of hope and feeling from Nema in but one conversation.
With the exception of Stephen he had not had a real conversation with anyone in the last six days, he couldn't bring himself to face the accusing looks, the pitying stares and worst of all, the smiles of strangers, as the went about their daily business with such ease, such comfort, it wasn't fair! It wasn't fair that all these other people should have such simple, happy lives while he wastes away inside himself, it wasn't fair that people accused him for who he was, most of all, it wasn't fair that Nema left him behind, to face life in a society that blamed him for her death. Ryan was so deeply in self-pity that he didn't catch the first ring of the phone, and when the second came it shocked him so much he almost knocked his bedside lamp to the floor! He got up from his bed where he was sitting and walked to the hallway phone in the same way he had walked since Nema's death, a walk that gave him the appearance of being dead like Nema. He was still suffering the effects of having only half a heart left, and it was evident in all that he did.
After what seemed like an eternity he reached the phone and answered, the voice on the other end was the only one in the world he could bear to hear:
"Ryan?" came Stephen's voice "is that you?"
"Yes!" Ryan answered with relief "Yes it's me! Thank God its you!"
"I was wondering if you wanted to meet, so we could talk, I know its terrible time for you, I want to be there, to help you"
"Yes, please come over, my parents are out, and I really need you now!"
"I'll be right over! Hang on, it'll be alright"
"Bye, and please hurry!"
"I will! I promise! Bye"
The phone returned to its dull monotone until it was returned to its home. Ryan stood there a while, not moving, half expecting Stephen to be there, behind him ready to comfort him, but when he turned, it only proved that he was alone. There was nothing left for him to do but make his way downstairs to wait for Stephen.
Mercifully he did not have to wait long, though to him it seemed he had been waiting all his life. He saw Stephen coming long before he walked up to Ryan's door, and was already waiting with the door open when Stephen arrived, breathless.
"Stephen!" Ryan pulled him inside while closing the door and threw his arms around him. "Thank you so much for coming!"
"I would come to see you whenever you need, day or night; I'm always here for you. I ran all the way here to make sure you didn't have to wait too long."
"Oh, thank you so much! You are far too good for me!"
Ryan clung tightly to Stephen's neck, never wanting to let go, while Stephen held his arms around Ryan's shoulders, as if to protect him.
"That's not true, you deserve every bit of it, what you don't deserve is all this suffering, life has been unjustly cruel, all I want in my life is to relieve as much of your pain as I can, I want you to be happy"
They pulled back from each other slightly, and allowed their lips to meet in a soft yet firm kiss. The familiar sensation of Stephen's tongue exploring his muzzle was like a comforting reminder that he still had Stephen, if nothing else. They moved to the living room to sit down on the sofa, Ryan was grateful for this, as he wasn't sure how much longer he could stand up.
"Ryan, look, it wasn't your fault, ok? There was nothing you could have done..."
"Yeah!" Ryan cut him off "and nothing is exactly what I did!"
"I'm sure you did everything you could"
"I should have done more!" Ryan muttered angrily "if there was nothing more I could have done then I'm not good enough! I failed her! Just like I fail everyone!"
"Don't be so hard on yourself, Ryan, you're a good person, if you couldn't save her no one could, come here"
Stephen reached out and embraced Ryan, who burst into tears, releasing the pressure that had been building up in him. Stephen just sat with him, holding him, silent. They sat there for hours, until Ryan's parents arrived home and sent Stephen away.
"Why did you do that!?" Ryan raged "I was finally finding a bit of peace and then you come in and ruin it all!"
"Ryan," his mother started "you've got the funeral tomorrow, you need some sleep"
"Didn't you hear?" Ryan said bitterly "I'm not invited!"
"You should go, I'm sure Nema would want you there"
"Fine. I'll go"
Ryan stormed to his room without saying another word.
Ryan arrived at the funeral just before it started, to avoid anyone talking to him. He sat quietly through the whole thing, barely able to see through the tears that flowed throughout the service. As the coffin was taken through to the crematorium, he mouthed
"goodbye, I'm sorry".
It was like letting go of any hope of seeing her, somehow before this something in him almost believed he would see her again, that she was just away for a time, and would be back. But she was gone, and she was never coming back, that realisation physically hurt, like a cold, stabbing pain in his chest. He stood to leave, hoping to get away before anyone saw him, unfortunately , he was not fast enough;
"You!" he heard the voice of Nema's mother behind him "you dare come here?"
"Look-" Ryan started
"Shut up!" she cut him off "how dare taint her funeral with your presence! You insult her! If it weren't for you she would still be alive! Murderer!"
"Yes" Ryan sounded resigned "it is my fault".
That was all he said, with that he left, leaving the rest of the mourners stunned. As soon as he was out of the church he began to run, he kept running until he got home. By the time he got there tears were streaming down his face he slammed the door as he came in and raced straight to his room. When he reached his room he threw himself onto hid bed, burying his face in his pillow, trying to suppress his sobs. Not even his parents were home, not that he'd want to talk to them anyway, and they never seem to understand.
Instead he decided it was better to phone Stephen again. He hated feeling so pathetic, always running to Stephen when things got tough, but he had no choice. He went through the familiar painful walk down that corridor, that while short seemed oh so long. Picking up the phone he dialled the number that rushed round his mind, the one comfort, Stephen.
"Hello?" Stephen's voice floated down the phone like a drug, that one word bringing its own comfort "Ryan is that you?"
"Y-yes it's me" Ryan choked out, feeling the tears flow once more down his face "I'm feeling...I'm feeling a bit... I'm..." he couldn't quite get the words out.
"It's ok, love. I'll be right there, try and hold on until I get there, you're strong I know you can do it"
Stephen sounded worried but there was conviction in his voice that brought relief to Ryan's troubled mind.
"Thank you, love, please hurry"
Ryan reluctantly hung up the phone, not wanting to cut off the sweet comfort of his soul-mate, but knowing that he would soon be with Stephen again.
He raced down to the front door, in some insane hope that maybe Stephen would already be there, but knowing that it was impossible. He paced up and down by the door, each second seeming like years. Watching, waiting, wanting. Why wasn't Stephen here yet? What was taking so long? Was he not coming?
Ryan put a hand to his head, as if somehow he could physically still the thoughts in his mind, until finally his mind was set at ease by the only one who could soften it, his beloved Stephen. He had to stop himself sprinting down the road to meet his mate, and in the end he could not contain himself has Stephen walked up the drive, and he ran to his arms, surprising Stephen who found this small fox attached to his chest. Stephen reached down and gently stroked Ryan's back, moving him back inside, closing the door before asking;
"Are you ok, love? Come on, lets sit down and talk things over"
Ryan smiles gratefully and let Stephen lead him to the sofa and sit him down, upon which Ryan immediately threw himself onto Stephen's shoulder and began to soak it with the tears he had tried to contain. Stephen rested his head gently on Ryan's shoulder and stroked his back softly.
"Its ok, my love, its ok."
"She's dead because of me!" Ryan almost shouted, shocking Stephen slightly but not moving him from Ryan's side.
"It wasn't your fault, hun, there wasn't anything you could have done. She was ill, now she faces no illness; if you hadn't been there she would have gone that way long ago, all you did was give her a better chance. Its not your fault that her life didn't seem worth it to her."
Ryan could not reply to that, and just continued to cry into Stephen's shoulder, wondering all the time why everything in his life had to turn this way, and that if it did, what would happen to Stephen? The light if his life was too valuable to risk losing, not on top of everything else. He knew that as long as he had Stephen he would get through.
Stephen sighed softly as he held his mate, thinking silently to himself how unfair it was that such cruel a life was inflicted on so kind a soul. There was sadness in his mind, true enough, but there was also determination, the will not to let Ryan suffer any more, to make his life into something he would be glad to live. He felt Ryan deserved nothing less, and he would give him whatever he could.
"Come on, hun, let's get you to bed, I will stay with you tonight, my parents understand"
Ryan pulled away slightly to smile faintly up at Stephen;
"Th-thank you...You have no idea how much that means to me"
Stephen smiled softly and in one quick motion swept Ryan into his arms and carried him up the stairs. Reaching Ryan's room, he kissed him softly and set him down. He reached out and began to take off Ryan's shirt and jeans, as Ryan did the same to him. Nuzzling softly Stephen led Ryan to the bed and lifted the cover up, the couple snuggling into bed together, Stephen wrapping his arms tightly round Ryan to comfort him.
"Thank you" Ryan whispered softly before his weary mind took him into his dreams, Stephen following shortly after.
Sleep, when deep, can seem almost like a still image. The sleeper caught in a moment of complete relaxation, peace, with no inhibitions they are exactly as you see them. While sleep may be deep, and may be peace, it can also be fragile, broken by the smallest of sounds. In this case, the sound that woke Ryan was the sound of the front door being shaken, as if someone were trying to enter without a key. His ears perked up at hearing the noise again, and he slowly detached himself from Stephen's arms, careful not to wake him. As he approached the staircase he heard the sound of smashing glass downstairs. He knew he should stay put but his mind wouldn't let him, he had to find out who was downstairs. He grabbed a solid, metallic torch from the desktop and crept slowly down the stairs. Meanwhile, in his bedroom, Stephen stirred, perhaps from the smashing glass, perhaps for want of his mate in his arms. Waking to find himself alone, he slowly moved out of the bed, his feet touching the floor as Ryan reached the ground floor. Ryan peered round the edge of the living room door to find the far window shattered. Raising the torch he crept further into the room as Stephen silently moved down the stairs, anxious not to alert whoever was downstairs, or to startle Ryan. Ryan raised the torch higher and leaned moved toward the window, turning in time to see an elbow approaching his face.
The impact spun him round, knocking him to the floor as he looked up in shock to see the face of Phil, Nema's father, glaring down at him. Stephen heard the sound of Ryan hitting the floor and jumped the last few steps, bursting into the room to find Phil raising his fist and striking Ryan hard across the face repeatedly. In a fit of rage Stephen raced across the room and grabbed Phil by the shoulders, throwing him backwards into the living room.
"You bastard! Get the fuck away from him! What the hell do you think you're doing?! Touch him again and I will kill you myself!"
Phil stood and glared at Stephen with eyes that stopped his voice in his throat. Those were not the eyes of someone you could reason with, those were eyes of madness. Stephen knew that he wasn't getting out of this without a fight, and raised his arms in defence, knowing he could take Phil on if he had to. Phil stared coldly at him and reached behind his back, his hand returning drawing out a blade, 7 inches of cold, biting steel that caused Stephen to back off slightly, moving in front of his mate to protect him from the madman. Raising the knife Phil started toward Stephen, slowly and steadily. Stephen braced himself and leaped forward before Phil got there, hoping to gain the element of surprise. To an extent, it worked, he grabbed Phil's arms before the knife could be used. Ryan looked up from the floor to see the two males grappling with the knife, the confusion of fur and steel hard to follow in his state. The battle could all be seen in the eyes of the fighters, in Stephen's eyes fear and anger, in Phil's; only a grim determination, and a deadly conviction. Suddenly Stephen saw an opportunity, Phil's left hand weakened slightly, and Stephen used this point to try and force it behind his back. His eyes widened as he realised he had been tricked, for as Phil's left hand weakened his right pushed more strongly, twisting in Stephen's grasp until he was forced to let go. Phil's had raising free and swinging through the air to force his steel death into Stephens side, the blade sliding in ever so silently. For Ryan everything appeared to go silent as Stephen jerked in the air, then fell hard to the floor as Phil drew the knife back out.
Ryan gaped in horror on the floor, unable even to utter a "no", watching in torment as the love of his life fell to the floor, and the insanity of Nema's father moved once more towards him. The knife, still stained with the blood of Stephen, raised above his head, Phil readied himself for the killing blow as Ryan cowered into himself, staring up in fear. In one instant he saw Phil's hand begin to descend, even as his head jerked back, sending his aim off balance and sending the knife wild. Ryan sat there shaking for a moment, confused as to what had caused Phil's jerking. After this moment Phil fell to the ground, revealing behind him Stephen, holding the remains of a wooden chair he had just used to knock Phil unconscious. Ryan dragged himself to his feet in hope that maybe his mate was not badly injured, rising even as Stephen fell once more to the floor.
Almost tripping over Phil, Ryan rushed to Stephen's side and knelt by him, grabbing the phone from the table and calling the ambulance service for a second time.
"Please! Please, I need an ambulance here right away, he-he's been stabbed, please, come quickly"
He gave his address before dropping the phone to cradle Stephen's head in his arms, Stephen's eyelids flickering rapidly.
"R-Ryan..."
"Yes my love, I'm here! Please! Stay with me, don't leave, don't leave...don't...please"
Stephen sagged in Ryan's arms, his strength leaving him.
"I-I'm sorry, Ryan, I love you..."
Stephen made an effort to smile softly at Ryan as his eyes closed and he laid back in Ryan's arms, the last of his life gently leaving him.
Tears flowed from Ryan's eyes as he felt his world crashing down, and the remaining half of his heart grow cold and dead to him.
That had all happened two days ago, and that is how Ryan came to where he was now, sitting in Stephen's room, as if he could somehow see him here. Stephen's parents had told him that he could take anything of Stephen's he wanted, as Stephen would have wanted it that way. Ryan cast his eyes around the room, seeing into the life that was no more. As his eyes moved to the bed he noticed Stephens phone sitting by the side. On an impulse he took it up and began to look around. He didn't seem to find anything special, a few texts from him, Stephen's mum, his friends. He then went to look in the media album and found a folder named only "Ryan". His curiosity aroused he opened it and gasped. Inside were pictures of him in the showers, from before him and Stephen were together. Although it may seem an odd thing to do, he smiled at this. Realising that Stephen had wanted him for even longer than he had wanted Stephen. He wasn't just the little pathetic fox who needed protecting, Stephen had truly desired him.
Ryan felt an odd sensation in his chest, an unusual feeling, but not unpleasant. Smiling he realised that it was a small spark of his heart reigniting, an ember that slowly spreads to the rest of his heart. His love once more aflame.
There we go, I finally got round to finishing it *giggles*. Sorry about the Emo ending, I planned the story back when I was seeing a councillor *giggles* its just I only got around to finishing it today. The story behind the story is semi-autobiographical. At the time I was myself coming out, and was at the time going out with a manically depressed compulsive self harmer, and I had serious worries that I would lose her. Also, being a chronic depressive myself, I really wanted someone to care for me and to cry on. Thankfully, I did end the relationship with "Nema" and while she still has her problems she isn't going to commit suicide, and is happily in a relationship with my best friend, which makes me happy for both of them^^Also, I got my Stephen: Submissive Wolf (sorry about killing off your character, hun, I swear I hadn't met you when I planned that part *giggles*) and since he came into my life I am regaining some of my stability mentally and emotionally?Sorry about the sad ending, I am in the process of writing one that is almost completely autobiographical emotionally, in which I will attempt to show at least some of what my wonderful wolf has done for me (it wont be completely autobiographical as I'm not actually a fox and I refused to take the drugs they gave me *giggles* but from an emotional point of view it will be me.
Sorry it all took so long, ill try and go quicker with the next one:P as always all comments welcome, even if they are about how much you hate it *giggles* (I giggle a lot don't I?)