Shattered Glass Chapter 8: Rampant
Rampant
As Alki jumped into the spring and enjoyed himself, I started to examine my state of mind. I could feel the drugs wearing off and my mindset reasserting itself with a vengeance. I could also feel the pain from my leg and arm also asserting itself in my nervous system.
As I stared at the ground I started probing my mind with the ever so famous "What Ifs" we all have in our life. I wondered about if I decided to be Alki's mate, and how far that would go at last. How would be? Could we make it as adults? What about his career.
What if I decided not to be his mate? Would I hurt him? Would he go back to being closeted? Would he feel so rejected that he would give up? For the first time in my life I was actually thinking about someone besides myself. I was thinking about someone else's well being and... well life. I wonder if this a global change, or if it is only towards Alki. I would have to experiment with that later when I am at school. For now I certainly hope it wasn't towards everyone, I didn't want to become an open year book for everyone to sign.
I looked up from my thoughts for a second towards the water. I was a little taken back to see Alki floating on his back just relaxing with his eyes closed. He looked so calm and surreal, how in the world anyone could be like him is beyond me. Even better was that his body seemed to have perfect bouncy, it was perfectly level in the water with neither end of him sunk lower than the other. It was then the fact that I was staring at him while he was naked in the water finally clicked and I realized that I was "checking him out" while he wasn't looking. The "checking him out" part was the part that irritated me the most as I was trying so hard to ignore those feeling, and the lust that came along with it. The fact he wasn't paying attention made the ping of guilt an additional burden.
All these damn feeling are new to me and I'm not sure how to handle them. Was this the definition of caring in general? Feelings for when you did something bad or something good? Feeling for however you affected a person? I feel like there is two minds inside of my head and both are fighting a war. One is trying to enforce old ways while the other is asserting feelings and care. Even worse is I don't know which one to listen to. All I know at this point is that Alki is the most important person on this earth, and I never want to lose him. All I want to do is hold him, to feel him. I want him.
I could feel tears starting to seep their way into my eyes. It felt so weird to cry considering I haven't done it in at least 8 years. I've tried to on several occasions but failed. No matter how lonely I made myself realize I am or how pathetic my life was, I could never get a single tear. Now I'm practically balling my eyes out trying to hold back my whimpers. The last person I wanted to see me like this would be Alki. I wanted him to stay in the water and feel so safe and calm. I figure he needs it more than I do considering all I have done is make him feel like total shit since day one.
As I put my head down between my legs and my paws over my ears I start to feel dizzy and disoriented. I could feel my being holding pain that's has accumulated for so long, like a computer bogged down from running to many programs. The only difference is the computer gets slow, while I lose myself in my mind fighting for an escape route, an escape route as elusive as a snake in a dense forest.
I can feel myself coming apart are the seams I so carefully sewed together in my life, seams which were never meant to be hemmed or altered. Seams which have protected the thin cloth of me from tearing like a cheap cotton shirt from Flor-Mart.
I'm so scared of what is going to happen to me. I've never been so scared in my life, never felt to alone and useless. What have I done with my life? What was I going to become? Where the hell was I going? All I could answer is I don't know. What used to be not caring is now fear, fear for all the things that I could never become.
I looked up again to see Alki once more and to ask my mind which way it wanted to go. However when I looked at the water I no longer saw him. For a split second I got worried but then as I left my daze I felt heavier. Alki was behind me leaning on me in a tight hug. All this time I didn't even notice he was there watching over me, nor did I know for how long. All I know is at this point it time, it feels comforting, and that's all that mattered. I leaned my head back onto his shoulder and feel asleep, trusting him completely.
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When I awoke, it was nighttime. I was still on the beach, and still with Alki. My head was laying on his chest and he had is body against my back with an arm whapped around me. He was so fluffy and defined. I could hear each breath he took, how long he held it, and then release. I've never been this close to another person in my life, and it felt wonderful. The fact he picked me was beyond what I could understand, but at this point I didn't want to. I have all I want in life now, and I don't need anything else.
As far as I could tell he managed to construct a small shelter with some foliage since I couldn't see the sky and I wasn't lying on sand. I had no idea he knew how to do this, it's like I suffer through my entire life, make other people suffer, and end up with the best person in the world. Life just has a way of being fucked up I guess.
Being the middle of the night it was useless pointless to stay awake any longer, even though I wasn't really tired. I would just get board and end up going to sleep in the middle of the day which normally I wouldn't mind because it would waste time. However being with Alki made me want to stay awake and be with him whenever possible. In fact, I may not know for sure what the feeling feels like, but I think I am starting to fall in love with him.
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As I woke for the second time, it was now early in the morning. If I had to take a random guess, I would say it was around 7 or 8AM. I was still resting with Alki in his little makeshift shelter which kept us covered and off the sand. Apparently he hadn't moved all night because he was still in the same position he was in before. Apparently though I had shifted sometime during the night because I was now facing him.
"It's about time you woke up" he said drearily with one eye open just enough to peak out of it.
"And it's about time you..." (No sarcasm idiot) "helped me wake up" (Umm. That's better???)
"Oh! I can help you wake up Pup" he said followed by licking me generously on my nose.
I didn't say anything else as I got up and stretched. Man I felt sore, sleeping for more than 12 hours doesn't seem to be my thing. As I finished I looked back at Alki who hasn't gotten up, and still had both his eyes mostly closed. He looked like he could sleep all day if I let him. However I had no intention of doing so. I may not have a clue what day it is but I'm not going to sit here any longer than I have to right now.
"Come on we got places to go" I said in a cheering tone that was far too unrealistic for me. And it seemed to catch his full attention as he got up. He didn't say anything as he stretched and put his shirt back on. The only noise that came from him was a yawn after he was done stretching, followed by gesturing me to lead the way