Friendly Direction: Chapter 4
#5 of Friendly Direction
Chapter 4
Indigo was rubbing his thighs again and trying to keep warm when Janet came back outside. She had her mobile phone to her ear and was making short affirmative responses to the other party. She did not look at him until she finished her call. Then she came back to their table, hung her purse on the back of her chair and sat down. He watched her the whole time like he was looking for a telltale action to give him evidence of a conspiracy. Janet, now seated, stared back. "What?" She said in a voice that asked and demanded in equal measure.
"I can't help but wonder if I was the subject of that call."
"Maybe you were 'a' subject in that call." Janet smirked. "Why are you nervous?" Indigo looked away and sighed. "To tell you the truth," Janet continued in a voice that was once again fully in control of the situation, "I'm a little surprised you stuck around. It usually takes a few days to get you to listen to my dating advice."
Indigo hugged his folded arms a little tighter to body. Everything seemed uncomfortable at that moment. "Can you just get on with the friendly direction?"
"Wow, are we really horny this week?" Janet's sarcasm carried contempt. Indigo knew she disapproved of his extra-marital liaisons. All of her advice to him centered on keeping relationships for the long term, which was exactly why he stayed at this cold table waiting for his best friend's return. His last four girlfriends were little better than one-night stands. He knew Janet was his best hope for finding someone worthwhile.
"I already told you," Indigo said defensively, "I don't find fulfillment in those anymore. I need you to..." he paused, hating himself for his desperate state. All of his past playboy behavior now mocked his ambitions to find a meaningful relationship with a woman he considered his equal. He began to feel the rising despair he was keeping submerged in his soul. He searched her neutral business face for traces of the contempt he heard earlier. Finding none, he pleaded "I need your help, Janet." He said, hating his voice for admitting his weak and hopeless state but, found his admission was also empowering. It loosed the restraints he placed on himself about matters of his heart but, he felt more exposed to her now than if he was naked. "I've been trying to find that 'long term girlfriend', my soulmate, or whatever else you want to say but, my reputation is getting in the way. Those last four were stupid acts on my part. I knew I had no future with them but," Indigo stopped and just looked at his friend sitting across from him like he had run out of words. Janet's face was an impassive mask, but her eyes were round, field green rimmed windows to the sympathetic emotions stirring behind them.
"But, the holidays are a miserable time to be alone." Janet finished his sentence.
"Yes." Indigo agreed in a husky whisper.
"I was wrong, earlier. It was the breakup that had you hiding."
"Probably, I don't know."
"Oh, and there they go again." Janet's cheek pulled into a lopsided grin.
"Huh?" Indigo perplexed, looked behind him "Who?" He turned back when he heard Janet's closed-lip ironic chuckle. She had her head down and eyes closed as she subtly laughed. The heel of her fist pressed into her left eyebrow and the slow shaking of her head made it seem like it was tottering and ready to fall from its support. Her fist slid to her left temple as she opened her eyes and raised her head.
"I'm taking about your defenses, Indigo. Your walls went up again."
"Huh?"
"It's okay," Janet said with a soft, honest smile growing on her. "Don't worry about it." Indigo stared at her. The way she was sitting, smiling, and regarding him, was reminding him of their many High School conversations and all those times she spent listening to his stories about football, Spain, and his frequent break-ups. She had that same blissful expression. He wished he had a picture, or better yet, some way to capture her look, this moment, and this peaceful feeling growing in his chest. Her face went from blissful contentment, to quizzical. He had stared to long. "What?" She asked with enough of an insisting tone to end the moment he was enjoying.
"I was just thinking you may want to go into psychology. You certainly have me pegged."
A heavy sigh answered him. "Let's get down to business, shall we?" Janet sat up straight and folded her hands. The 'interrogator' had taken over again. "So, tell me again what your main problem was with your last girlfriends?"
"Um, well," Indigo hesitated, unsure of how to express his dissatisfaction.
"Spit. It. Out." Janet demanded with unashamed impatience. "Your girlfriends aren't here. You won't hurt their feelings. Tell me what you feel."
"I hated that I couldn't hold a conversation with them without dumbing it down or spending a bunch of time trying to explain something." Indigo answered her like a recruit to a drill instructor.
"So you want a girlfriend who matches your intelligence." Janet stated. "What else?"
"Um, I hated that the only active thing they wanted to do was dance at a club."
"You are looking for an intelligent athlete," Janet surmised, "and what else?"
"I hated that they drank so much."
"An intelligent, athletic..." Janet thought a moment, "woman with principles?"
Indigo considered her summery in the light of his recent experiences. "Yeah, I think that's right."
"Have you thought of dating a redhead?" Janet suggested as she twirled her own fiery locks around a finger. "They tend to be smarter." Her slight smile with that remark relieved him. He wanted a break from the interrogation.
"Who do you have in mind?"
"Who I am thinking of is not important." Janet asserted. "Just like with your career choice, you need to decide for yourself."
"And I'm clueless." Indigo sighed. "So what do you suggest?"
Janet studied him intently. He felt her turning him around in her head like a brain teasing puzzle, searching for that new angle to get her desired result. "I want you to close your eyes and think about all the girls you dated." Indigo obediently leaned back in his chair, closed his eyes, and relaxed. "Take your time. Do not rush this." She said like a hypnotist entrancing a subject. "College, High School, Middle School, No one is off-limits. Think about them all. If you had the opportunity to date someone again, who would it be?"
Indigo stirred up all his memories, aided by Janet's gentle, soothing voice. All of his girlfriends, his crushes, and his conquests, he tried to remember something about them all. One face, one name, kept surfacing in his mind. He felt his face twitch as though he could physically remove the image. It refused to be buried or budged however, and shared experiences and pleasant thoughts attached to that person's image like anchors in his mind. He could think of no one else. He opened his eyes.
"Have you thought of someone?" Janet asked in the same gentle manner she used to start him on this path.
"Yes." Indigo said, incredulous at his conclusion. His eyes darted about like he was looking for something to refute his thoughts. There was nothing. Fighting his own conclusion, he now looked for an escape. He felt like the prey of a desert spider, struggling against sliding down the sandy slope of its trap, only to be inevitably captured at the bottom. There was no way out. He was caught, and he had to face his predator.
"Well?" Janet sounded annoyed. He was sure it was because he wasn't sharing his epiphany. "Who is it?"
Indigo looked her in the eye, and dry-mouthed he swallowed. "It's you."