The Three D’s: Distress, Disappointment, and Decisions
#6 of New Kid
Part Six: The Three D's: Distress, Disappointment, and Decisions
Well been a long time since I posted but since not many people read this I don't have much of a reason to post them that fast. The entire story though is done so I'll finish up and post it all here within a few months I guess if I remember to get to it. Any way here's part six for you to enjoy. Please enjoy and comment at the bottom.
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After the fight was over I had gotten Matt up and our bags and made my way back to my home. When we got back to my place I opened the door and helped Matt in. The poor otter was holding his eye and cringing softly as I helped him into the kitchen, letting our bags down by the door along the way. I sat Matt down in a chair and leaned over to look at him.
I moved his paw to see where that bastard of a rhino had hit him and looked at his face, "Doesn't look too serious, let me get you something for it," I went to the freezer and pulled out a frozen bag of peas and held it to his eye. He cringed at the cold feeling on his bruise and held his paw over mine as I held it in place. "How's that feel, Matt?" I smiled sweetly at him and he returned it and looked up at me with admiration in his eyes. "It feels a bit sore... but it'll be ok I think." Matt chuckled softly and then said softly, "Thanks..."
I looked at him in surprise, "Hmm? What are you thanking me for?" I tilted my head in confusion and he just chuckled and looked down at his feet which I noticed he was fidgeting.
"Well... just for you know... helping me out there, and protecting me... and keeping Jarrod and his goons off of me." He took hold of the frozen bag and I let my paw drop to my side as he held it in place himself. I smiled at him and shrugged happily to have protected someone and put my training to the test and told him that it was no problem. I pulled out a chair and sat down in front of him and he just slowly shook his head as he sat there. "No... it was a big deal... you've known me for less than a day and already you're willing to put yourself in harms way for me... not many furs would do that you know."
I smiled inwardly to myself and nodded, I had to agree that that was a truth I didn't like to hear. So few furs would do what I did and fewer still would even think about doing it. It made me feel a little proud that I had done something so great today. It may not have changed the world or been anything extremely major for someone else, but I had fought to protect someone and had won. That, to me, was just about the greatest thing I'd done in a long time.
I chuckled and looked up at his face, he was still a little shaken by the fight but otherwise seemed fine. "You're a really sweet pup, ya know that, Matt?" I stood up next to him and ruffled his hair softly and then leaned down and kissed his forehead in a mocking teasing way. It wasn't any kind of gay lover's kiss or anything, it was just a peck on the head like your mother or father would give you. I could tell though that this through him for a loop he looked up at me with wide eyes like I'd just done something very wrong, which I guess I had. 'Damn it, Zeke! You damned-ass idiot! Think up an excuse before things get bad, moron!' Thankfully I was quick witted and a good actor. I started off laughing and rubbing the back of my head trying to act a little embarrassed, "Hey sorry if I freaked you out, man. My family is really open about showing our emotions and it's not unusual for a guy to give another guy a peck on the head or cheek. Heck my dad still kisses my forehead and cheek from time to time, it's nothing bad. Sorry if I freaked you out, but that's just how I was raised... Forgive me?"
Matt seemed to relax and nodded, "It's ok, nothing to forgive, just caught me off guard I guess. My bad too, bud," I nodded back at him and went to the fridge and got out some milk and poured us both a glass and sat back down. Taking a sip of milk I sighed and looked at the clock, we were already late for first period but I figured it'd be ok. I was still on a rush from the fight to be cooped up anyway. I looked back at Matt and he just gulped down the last of his milk and was holding the ice bag on his eye.
It had been about 10 minutes since I got that on his eye so I thought it was about time to check on it. "Here let me look at your eye now..." I stood up real close as he wiped the milk from his muzzle and slowly removed the ice bag from his eye. I could see that it was starting to swell already and was gonna take a few days to heal. I stared into his eyes and held his head up close to mine, his eyes were so dark and blue, they almost looked like he had sapphires instead of eyes in his head. I then noticed what looked like a little scratch right under his eye and went in closer to examine it squinting softly, but apparently what I was doing while holding his head sent the young otter a different meaning as what happened next.
I had got about an inch from his muzzle squinting to see that it was just some fur that had matted together from a tear when I felt his lips press up against mine. I yelped in surprise and fell back landing hard on my tail. I groaned and reached back to rub at my now sore area and looked up at him. He was panicking and blushing and you could smell the scent of his fear that he was emitting even if you had a bad cold. He was mumbling and looked like he was about to die of embarrassment when he started rambling.
"Oh-my-God! I'm-so-sorry-I-didn't-mean-to-I-mean-it-looked-like-you-were-going-to-kiss-me-and-I-just-kinda-went-in-to-meet-you-but-you-weren't-and-I'm-so-sorry-and-please-don't-hate-me-or-tell-anyone-I'm-sorry-and..." I smiled and leaned up to where he was sitting still and pulled his chin down to my muzzle and gave him a sweet kiss on the lips to silence his banter. He yelped at this but after a few seconds kissed back. We held our lips together for just a few seconds, but it was a wonderful few seconds at that.
I broke the kiss and looked into those wonderfully sparkling eyes again and smiled. "Next time you want a kiss, just ask, ok?" He nodded blankly and I stood up and sat back in my chair smiling at him like the proverbial cat that had swallowed the canary. He was gay, or at least bi, and I felt an electric kind of excitement flow through me. I had finally found a guy who was interested in me. I could actually open up and be myself with this guy and it made me truly happy to say the least. My happiness though was short lived as I looked into his face and saw that he looked at me with a mixed look of shame, fear, embarrassment, pain, and even a look of anger and hatred.
Seeing that made my heart ache, I thought for sure he was interested in me but it seemed like I'd misread him. I frowned and looked away from him as I lowered my ears, "I'm sorry... I just thought that you were interested in me what with you giving me a kiss... please don't hate me... Please..." that last 'please' was barely a whisper and I held onto my shoulder again as images of hate flashed in my mind again.
"Uh...but you... and I... I'm not... I mean... Just... I can't..." I slowly looked up at Matt as he tried to talk and put together an actual sentence together. He still had that look on his face as he gave up on talking and growled some to himself and clenched his paws tightly in fists. I sighed and got up though and turned away from him understanding what was going on. "It's ok..." I talked in a much colder and monotone voice than ever before this time. After seeing that look in his face after that kiss, I just didn't see any more point in trying to be friendly with him again if he just hated me, and to be honest I just couldn't even care. "Really, I don't care if you hate me or anything. You wouldn't be the first and you won't be the last."
I kept my face straight and unmoving as I looked back at him with ice in my heart, "You can stay here as long as you need to. I'm heading to school though; the doors are locked so make sure you have all your junk with you before you leave as you won't be able to get back in." I looked at his face still silent and filled with shame, anger, and fear for a moment waiting for him to say something... to say anything, but he just sat there looking at me. I couldn't stand it anymore so I just turned back around and said in a harsh cold tone, "Whatever... bye." I went back to the door, picked up my bag, and walked out to school growling to myself and hating everything as I all to quickly reached the stony hell that was high school.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
I got to my English class with just 20 minutes left and had just apologized for being so late and told Ms. Rosela that I had had some problems getting here this morning. She seemed to buy that and I just went and sat down in my desk. I saw that Jarrod wasn't there when I looked around for him and I wondered if and when he was going to try to attack me again.
Class ended without anything else happening and I just headed to my next class. When I got there I just took a vacant chair towards the back of the room where no one seemed to sit, instead of sitting where I sat the previous day, and waited for class to start again.
The bell rang and Mrs. Barton came in again and said that she still had some more work to do so we had the period free for homework, but that we should study the chapter we were on for a quiz tomorrow. I wrote down the assignment and looked around, I saw that Matt still wasn't here and I briefly let my mind wonder if he was ok.
' NO! Don't you even waste your time on him! It's obvious you royally F-ed that up you stupid Mi.Bas. Just keep your distance and forget about him! Keep your heart safe and STAY AWAY FROM HIM!!!' I just couldn't help yelling and hating myself. I'd even called myself a Mi.Bas., which was pretty much the worst insult you can give to a hybrid, and that only brought up bad memories that I quickly suppressed. I took a deep breath to calm down and cleared my head for a moment before looking around the room.
The rest of the class was talking, working, and doing other things and I just sighed to myself. I didn't feel like working on anything, and I certainly didn't want to socialize with anyone. I just propped my arms up on the small table and laid my head down. It was still early in the day and already I could use a nap from all the crap that had already happened today.
I closed my eyes as the world moved to black and seemed to doze off easily. I don't know how long I was asleep before I heard someone call my name. "Zeke... Zeke..." the voice sounded distant and soft as I slowly drifted into a light. "Zeke...?" I slowly opened my eyes when I felt a soft paw on my shoulder and not knowing where I was at the moment I was growling softly at being awakened. I growled a bit louder and snapped at the source of this thing that awakened me as light poured into my eyes and the blurry world became clear. I straitened up quickly and rubbed my eyes quickly seeing that it was Chris and Salem standing next to me and that they were a little shocked at my behavior.
I shook my head some and looked up at them wearily, "Haven't you ever heard that old saying: 'Let sleeping dogs lie'? Well the same goes for most other canines," I tried not to sound too mean or angry, but I usually did get that way when I was woken up suddenly so I still sounded angry (not a morning fur if you recall).
Chris rubbed the back of his brown head with his paw and looked at me sheepishly, "Yeah, sorry about that, didn't mean to make ya upset. We were just wonderin' if you'd seen Matt or knew where he was now?" I blinked more and rubbed my eyes leaning my neck from side to side to stretch and pop it when I looked back at them again.
I sighed when I saw that they looked embarrassed and a little concerned that I had snapped at them so suddenly. "No... I'm sorry... I didn't mean to snap, I just get like that when I'm woken from a nap when I'm real tired. And no I don't know where Matt is now; last I saw he was sitting in my kitchen when I left for school again today."
I yawned and stretched out looking at the time when Salem spoke up with a confused tone, "In your kitchen? Left 'again'?" I looked up and he had raised his eyebrows in confusion. I didn't like where this was going so I motioned for them to come closer for me to explain.
I sighed and rubbed my temples a bit, "Ok... here's the thing... just keep quiet and don't let anyone know about this a'ight?" They both nodded and leaned in a bit so I wouldn't have to speak up and be overheard.
"Ok, here's the thing. Matt and I were walkin' ta school this morning and when we were close Jarrod and some of his cronies stopped us and were trying to start something. I beat this big rhino guy, a tough looking hyena, and some big griffin guy before Jarr-head charged at me and I nailed him straight in his smug lil face, but this was all after the rhino had punched Matt in the face. I got him to my place and got him something for his eye and then..." I shook my head about what came next before I went on, "then I just left him there, told him to make sure he had his stuff before he left, and headed here," I stopped and looked at the two of them. Their jaws were slack and their eyes were bulging.
I sat there looking at them for a moment before Chris started to try to talk rather loudly, "You...! You... BEAT... Ja-....!" I reached up quickly and grabbed his muzzle tightly to keep it shut and brought it close to my own growling deeply and saying in a harsh whisper, "Shut it!"
No one seemed to hear his outburst though and I slowly let go of his muzzle which he rubbed a bit, I apologized for that and he just held up his paw giving me the ok. "Yeah I beat him and his goons up like I said. No big deal."
"Dude! Those guys are some of the strongest guys in school! And you beat them up?" I nodded and they looked like they didn't believe me. To be honest though I didn't care if they believed me or not I just wanted to be left alone.
"Hey man... You ok?" I looked up at Salem tiredly and just shook my paw up and down a bit to say 'so-so'.
"I'm just tired... I've had a long day already... and I'm sorry if I sound rude or anything you two but..." I looked up with a weak smile and blood-shot eyes, "If you don't mind... I'd really just like to be left alone for awhile..." Salem looked at me concerned and Chris gave me a questioning look before they left and I put my head back down to rest.
Just before I nodded off again I heard them whisper just loud enough for me to hear, "you think something happened between Matt and Zeke?" "I don't know, man... but it seems like something happened if he's here and Matt's not..." and that was all I heard before I dozed off again.
~ ~ ~ ~ ~
By the end of the second period I was feeling better and had calmed down a bit. My thoughts had settled down and I had returned to the calm, cool, and calculating fur that I tried to put off as being. I walked in to Mr. Walraven's room and took a seat close to the door this time and got out some paper to take notes with.
The class started filling up slowly and just when I was beginning to think that Matt wasn't going to be in this class either today, he walked in the door. He had on a new set of clothes and I knew that he had likely gone home to change before coming back. He looked at me a bit sullenly, but I just turned my head around and started reading over some work. He took his seat on the other side of the room and I didn't look at him through the entire class period.
I wasn't upset with Matthew; it was just that if he hated me for being gay then I had no reason to be friendly with him. I'd still be polite and civil but I wouldn't go out of the way to do something for him like you would for a friend. Call it what you will, I was just making sure that I didn't get hurt again, or more than I had already been to be more precise.
Third period went easily and fourth went a little better. Matt tried passing me a note but I just stuck it into my binder to read later. At the end of class I just had packed up my books and walked out the door, I wasn't walking fast or anything. Heck I wasn't even in a hurry, but for some reason at the rate I was going Matt either choose to stay away from me or was going slower than normal.
It was a nice day out though so I decided to just head on over to the gazebo where I had been yesterday and maybe read some or something. I got there and settled down on the floor before I got out a book I'd been reading and leaned back up against my backpack. I'd been reading for just a few minutes when I heard someone cough like they were trying to get my attention. I looked up and there was Matt again, he looked like he was embarrassed to just be standing there and also like he didn't know what to say or do.
I waited for a moment but he still didn't say anything. "Yo. You need somethin'?" I put down my book and looked up at him as he sat down on the other side of me. He then rummaged through his back pack and pulled out a binder and then a piece of paper and held it out to me.
"I... uh... I finished my poem... Could you read it and tell me what you think of it?" I looked at him blankly and yawned before I took the shaking paper and sat up to read it.
I feel the sand beneath my feet
I feel the earth between my toes
As the water comes up to meet
My heart to wash away my woes
This beach view is calm to the mind
From what I see from where I stand
The sun is warm the wind is kind
The shore is nice with its white sand
I watch the sun set in the sea
And gaze upon this ocean view
I wish it was more than just me
And instead of one there'd be two
Walking next to my lover's side
Feeling the ocean's gentle tide
I looked the poem over again and sighed, I was still slightly upset at that look he had given me that morning and it was still affecting me. I was normally not a very harsh critic but like I said, I was still mad. I looked back at him making sure he was paying attention to me before I looked back at the paper before I started telling him what I thought. "Yes the poem is quite good, but it could easily be better if you pay more attention to what your words actually mean in relation to the way you are delivering them. Like in the first two lines, if you concentrate on the sand and earth in relation to your feet and toes then it should be reversed. The second verse starts with 'This beach' and by right you also need a 'that' as 'this' and 'that' go together. 'This beach' and then you refer to 'the sun' and 'the shore' and this doesn't have a grammatically correct flow. You should look up 'this' in the dictionary and that might help you out." I rubbed my eyes for a moment and took a second to collect my next thoughts before I voiced them.
I looked at Matt and he had sat down and was still listening but looked a little embarrassed and timid. I just rolled my eyes at that and started back on my critique, "Ok, now the third verse reeks of incompleteness. The first two lines alone are basically saying the same thing, 'watch the sea' and 'gaze upon this ocean'. If you're going to go through so much effort to come up with fourteen lines then each line should convey its own meaning and purpose. If you do repeat a line's meaning then you should at least do it in a different verse and not back to back like that. The words, 'sand', 'view', and 'ocean' you used these words twice in this poem and that is a rather weak vocabulary. In my opinion there are crucial and necessary elements that are missing from this, which I mentioned before, and make this poem very weak. Then again this is high school, and I doubt she'd care much, but whatever." I handed the poem back to him and went back to my book, having done what I had been asked to do.
It stayed quiet as I continued reading my story until I heard Matt start to talk in a soft voice. "I... I don't hate you..." I growled softly and looked up at him putting my book down and looking him straight in the eye, "Then what was with that look, don't B.S. me anymore, I recognized that look you were giving me and it was one of hate and anger... so tell me what is going on with you."
"I JUST CAN'T BE..." He started to yell and glare at me but then let out a breath and quieted down to a near whisper, "I just can't be gay..."
I looked at him and gears and scenarios started playing in my mind of what he meant by that. I knew from what he'd told me that was the oldest in a well respected family so I figured the idea of having a gay son wouldn't be seen very well in his family's eyes. "It's not me you hate... it's yourself you hate isn't it? You hate the fact that you are... this way aren't you? You're afraid of what people will say and do to you if they found out or worse if your family found out, isn't that it?"
He nodded staying quiet and sighed relaxing at last. "My dad... doesn't really care much for gays... I'm not sure why every time I asked him about it he just changed the subject. But I just don't want to be this way, I want to be normal and just..." he sighed again and looked up at me. I had sat down next to him and was listening to what he had to say.
"Heh... normal... Nothing and no one is 'normal', Matt, and you can no more change being gay than you can change being an otter... it's who you are... but... there could be a plus side to this..." I looked over at him smiling and he looked up at me curiously.
"And what could possibly be good about all this?"
I turned towards him and shakily took a hold of his paw and gave it a soft squeeze, "You got me to help you now at least... that is if you want me..." I smiled at him and he returned the squeeze on my paw, "I told you I'd look after you, and if you want I'll be your friend or more too... If you want of course..." I was shaking like a leaf as I was saying this, I knew that I wanted this guy, but I also knew that I had to help him out with a lot of things first. If he wanted me to be just his friend, I'd be fine with that, but I still wanted a bit more and hoped that he did as well.
He looked up at me smiling and looked around right fast before he gave me a quick peck on the cheek, "Thanks, Zeke... I'd like to have more with you, but... I'm new to it all and..." I held up my paw and signaled for him to be quiet.
"I'm no expert either, Matthew, I'm still a virgin, barely any experience in dating, and I know how you feel... If you really want to explore these feelings and stuff, then we'll take it slow and I'll stay by you even if it doesn't work out... Ok?" He smiled and nodded and I poked at his belly, "And I thought I told you to ask from now on if you wanted a kiss?"
We laughed at that for a few moments and realized after we calmed down that we were still holding paws. I slowly let go and looked over at him. "Let me see your poem again."
He looked at me and handed it back to me, "Uh here... what do you need it for?"
I took it and went to work on it, "Oh... just call it an act of good faith... or something along that line I don't know." I wrote a few things, crossed out some others and thought for a few moments before I finished and looked over the poem again and handed it back to him.
He took it in his paws and started to read it out loud to me, "Love of the Beach, By: Matthew Jordon, March 3, 2007, I feel the earth beneath my feet/ And feel it come between my toes/ As the water comes up to meet/ My heart to wash away my woes/ This sight is calm to the mind/ From what I see from where I stand/ The sun is warm the wind is kind/ The shore is nice with its white sand/ I walk around next to the sea/ And gaze upon this view/ I wish it was more than just me/ And instead of one be two/ Walking next to my lover's side/ Feeling the ocean's gentle tide," he looked at the poem and then up at me. I had a soft smile on my face as I was waiting for his response.
He smiled wide and jumped at me wrapping his arms around me and causing me to fall to the floor and land on my tail. I yipped out in pain and rubbed at the sore area and looked down at him as he grinned sheepishly, "It's beautiful... just like a certain wolf I just happen to know,"
I made a faux paw stupidly and asked who he meant by that forgetting that he thought I was still a pure blooded wolf. He just smiled and nosed me a bit and said I was, "it really is a beautiful poem... How do you come up with these things?"
"I just do... Some kinda knack for it I guess..." I smiled and stood up just as the bell was starting to ring for us to get to class. "Heh... looks like it's time for these star-crossed lovers to part ways until their paths may cross again. And that's paraphrased from Shakespeare before you say anything about it."
He chuckled and gave me a quick hug, "Thank you so much, Zeke. It's a great poem... I don't know how I'll ever be able to thank you for all you've done for me."
I just smiled and chuckled at him as he let go of me, "All I ever really wanted was a friend and hopefully I've got one... And maybe something more at some point in the future?" I looked over at him with a sly grin that made him turn his head away from me embarrassed. I'd always loved making a bigger guy blush; it was just so cute to me.
"Well... uh... I better be getting to class... I'll talk to you later; maybe we can hang out after school and... talk?"
I nodded and waved him off as I collected my things. I don't know what was in store for the future, but I think that I could finally be heading towards a place that I wanted to get to. At last I was heading for the light that had for so long been hidden in my life.