Jared and Gnat - Part Six - You Love Me
I woke up the next day with a bad headache, with Gnat sprawled across my chest. He's beautiful when he's sleeping; a small part of his two front teeth peeking out between his lips, ears flickering sometimes and that stupid grin on his face. What's the bastard got to smile about anyway? Usually, I try not to think too much. It's bad for me, and I disturb myself with my own thoughts... That's why I do heroin. I do it to cope with the guilt of what I've done to my friend; my best and only fucking friend. When you see musicians taking drugs, you think it's cool. But when they're your friend, it's a living hell to see someone that close to you go through this, especially when you put them through it. "Oh hey, Gnat. Try this H. You'll love it," I parodied myself in my head. Yet he still stands by me, after all this. My friend... I wanted to cry so badly, but I can't in front of him. This is a cycle I go through every night and morning in my head.
My thoughts are my biggest fear. I go to bed with them. I wake up with them. But they ain't found a way to kill me yet, so we continue. Snot dripped down my nose, destroyed by coke abuse. Too weak to hack, I let it run for while, before it irritates me enough to wipe off with my arm. Self-loathing is something I try to avoid. I don't put on that act. I fucked up, did some bad shit, but I own all my mistakes. That is something every man can take solace in.
I spend my days trying to rid myself of any emotions, and so far it's been fruitless, no matter what drugs you take. There's days that I try to fool myself into thinking I hate been alive; just for a little identity, but then I realise I'm just a poser asshole. I'm not suicidal or depressed. It's so ironic. I'm as broken as a man can get, yet I still carry on... Sometimes I even smile. Gnat tells me I look so much better when I do. Maybe for him I should. How am I supposed to see things positive if I don't see anything physically positive around me?
Ever since I moved into this shithole, I've always loved the way the morning sun rises directly through the living room window and onto the couch where I sleep. It makes you comfortable with its heat, but nags you with its eye-hurting rays, just like mother would when I was young. Mother thinks I'm dead... Maybe it's better that way. She wouldn't like to see me like this.
I emerged from my state of half-sleep that everyone wakes up in, and regained control over my thoughts, rather than the unaware wanderings. "Jack," slipped out of my lips. I wish I could stop thinking about him, but I had a gun to the motherfucker's head last night! How the hell can I repress that shit? Thoughts are poison, and heroin is the antidote. No... Not anymore. I use self-conviction now. It works pretty well, and doesn't make me shit my pants after extensive use. But I want it SO FUCKING BAD! My arms began to shake. It was like a thousand needles were scratching beneath my skin, screaming for drugs. "Don't think of it," I tell myself... After a few minutes of long, drawn out breaths, the craving began to subside, and my thoughts drifted back to Gnat...
He was sprawled out on my chest, embracing me with eyes open now... My shaking must have woken him up. Gnat's still stuck to me like glue, even though I put him through hell. He must really lo-... My eyes began to tear up as he looked deep into my eyes, mere inches away. Then, I told him what I should have told him years ago.
"I love you, Jeremy," I said. Jeremy is his real name. We call each other by Gnat and Jared now: our stage names, because who we were died long ago).
He looked totally taken aback. Not once had either of us committed feelings like this to each other, and it had been years since I had called him by that name. His eyes lit up like Times Square, his face suddenly animated by a huge smile. Jeremy was alive again.
"I love you too, Jack," he replied, and we kissed deeply.
I cried my eyes out when we finally broke.