New Feelings Entry #4: Probably NOT the right thing to say.
Entry #4: Probably not the right things to say.
_ Hey journal, _
_ ** Its, uh, been a while. I forgot to write this whole break, last week. Well, here's what you missed:** _
** 1) I told Elliot I was gay**
** 2) We Kissed**
** 3) I'm soooooo confuzzled as to whether or not we're actually a couple.**
** 4) Apparently he's gay too (look at #2 =p)**
** 5) And finally, I-well, lets just say, SOMEHOW my parents found out about me....**
_ So...ya...not entirely sure how, but, I think they know I'm gay. I have to have a talk with them in like 5 minutes....This is gonna be bad. Like, BAD, bad. My parents are both really, really religious, my dad has guns...and, besides the obvious, they've never had a gay son before and don't know what to do with me. All I can say is wish me luck, and I hope that this isn't my last journal entry......... _
_ Just in case. <3 _
_ Caylen~ _
Almost as soon as I finished my journal entry I saw the shadow of my dad appear in the doorway. He is a tall, dark-haired bear, with a slight salt and pepper look to his muzzle. Odd, the fact that he's a bear, and my mother's a fennec, like me, or vise-versa. Somehow, I got her recessive genes to be one of the long eared foxes that one doesn't see every day just strolling down the sidewalk. Though, she is beautiful, gorgeous even. She is about mid-height, especially for a fennec fox, with a blonde/reddish fur. Her voice is always soft, tender, and loving, and she would do anything for her children. This time, however, my parents both seemed different. Something had changed, and I don't know what. They looked sad; not disappointed, but sad, worried even. They were both on the couch, with a dining room chair in front of it.
"Please, take a seat." My dad said with his deep, baritone voice.
My mother was silent, she looked like she was about to cry. I became very melancholy when I looked at them. All this, is it, is it because of me? I thought. I was brought back to reality by my father continuing saying:
"Son, I'm worried about you. You've been acting very different lately, is something the matter?"
I couldn't believe it. Do-do they not know? Am I just overreacting, maybe. Perhaps I am just over-dramatizing everything, maybe its all just fine! I'll tell them I've just been busy with school, that's all. Ya, I have a lot of exams and projects coming up, o-or I've been just in the "thinking" mood, where I have to be by myself a lot, like relaxing. I started to spin a reply, thinking myself so sly. After all, I am a fox, the sly thing.
"Uh... ya, dad, everything's fine." He seemed content, though the quiver in my voice made it blatantly obvious that I wasn't.
He looked at me, his eyes breaking the barrier into my mind, into my very being. He leaned forward a little on the couch, a sign that mean I was toast.
"Are you sure you're fine? Absolutely certain."
"Yes." That's all I could manage to say without giving my fear away.
"So then, there's nothing you have to say. Nothing you want to tell us? There's nothing you want to tell us?" He seemed determined to break me. It wouldn't take long, either. My thoughts were racing, my mind going crazy, like a swarm of bees.
I tried to think, tried to think really hard. This is it. He's gonna nail me now. I should just say it, just say "Ya, mom, dad, there is something on my mind. I'm gay." Or, "Well, actually I've been feeling sexually confused, like I might like boys." Or even "I'm sorry. I'm so sorry, I didn't want to. But, these feelings I keep having, I-I just can't shake them. I'm sorry I have to be like this, I'm sorry I'm a faggot. I promise, nofur will know. Just please, please don't kill me or disown me!" Tears started to well up, my throat tightened and my ears fell back. I knew I was going to lose it, my parents probably knew too. Well, I sighed, Here goes everything. I looked up, opened my muzzle, and holding back emotion I just barely managed to say all I needed to say.
"I-I-I'm sorry." Through tear filled dams I looked up at my parents. A chill went through my whole body. I'd said all I needed to.
My mom had to get up and leave. My dad, he just sat there, silent. I could tell he was disappointed, but, not as mad as I thought he'd be. We sat there for a while, alpha to alpha, just staring at each other, with the occasional glance to see if my mom had come back yet. When she did, she sat down next to my dad, who took her hand and squeezed. He looked up at me, and when he asked me his question I cried. My sobs were loud and obviously hard to hold back. He looked at me and said
"Why?"
I started to respond
"I-I-, well,-"but he cut me off.
"Why didn't you tell us?" This confused me.
"W-what d you mean?" I managed to say through my sobbing.
"I mean, this is a HUGE thing. Its life changing, and for somefur at your age to make that choice, its just that, you don't have much life experience. I just-We-Do you know what your getting yourself into? What your getting us into, you family?"
Quite honestly it had never occurred to me, what my family's friends would think. Our family is pretty reasonably devout, our furiends the same. We were all pretty conservative, except me, I was somewhat liberal, especially when it came to homosexuality. But still, what would happen if they knew. W_hat would my brothers have to go through in school? What would my family have to go through? Would my little brothers, the cubs I loved, even accept me anymore than my parents?_ These thoughts tortured me, and seemed inescapable until my dad spoke again. Obviously, it would be him or me, because I could tell my mom was doing her best not to completely lose it and cry.
"This is going to be a hard journey for you, son" He said.
"Lost of people out there don't feel like that is right for someone, and you will be threatened and made fun of."
I decided it was my turn to speak. "I know." I said.
"I've thought, and prayed, a lot about this."
"Well." My dad said. "Its really late, why don't you go to bed and we'll talk about this more in the morning."
"But, I have to go to school i-"
"You're not going to school tomorrow." Now, I was scared again.
Oh no, I thought. What is he going to do?
To be continued...