Therapy
This story was written entirely spontaneously, after spending about an hour alone, essentially role-playing the dialogue in my head before writing it. If it seems rather rough or unwieldy, it's because I spent very little time editing it - I didn't want to lose the freshness and the impact of the story by revisiting pieces of it and trying to rephrase it or filter it in any way. If there are typos (which I tend to be vigilant about as I write), I apologize. I just wanted this piece to be as organic as possible.
With all that said, enjoy!
_ - HP_
"James, I think it's about time we tried something different."
The man laying on the couch looked up at the man sitting in the chair. "What are you talking about?" he asked.
"I think you know what I'm talking about, James. You've been coming here for three months now. I feel like I've gotten as far as I can to help you, and we've made some good progress. We've identified your problem - lack of self-confidence, fear of failure, and a small measure of paranoia. But I don't think we're getting any closer to solving any of those issues."
"But Dr. Walsh," James explained, "I don't know what else I can do to help solve my problems. That's what I'm paying you for, right?"
"You're exactly right, James," Dr. Walsh retorted. "And I will gladly take your money as long as you're willing to pay me. I've got a 4-year-old that's going to go to college someday, and you're helping me do it. But I want you to get more out of this than just one hour a week where you talk about how frustrated you are with life. From where I sit, you're not getting any better."
"So, what's this new thing you're going to try, then?" James asked.
"If we're going to get to the heart of your problems," Dr. Walsh explained, "I need to know everything that's going on inside your mind. I need you to tell me all the things you don't think I need to know, all things you don't want me to know."
Dr. Walsh got up from his chair, and stood directly beside James, who hadn't moved from the couch.
"Here's how it works. I'm going to ask you one question. And I need you to answer that question with the complete truth. No holding back. OK?"
"All right," James responded.
"James, what is it that you want to be?"
James shrugged. It seemed like a rather simple question. "I want to be a writer. I want to have my works shared and enjoyed by millions of people. I want to be known for creating something that nobody else had thought of before, and be successful at it. I want to leave my bullshit night shift security job at the drugstore and have more than a 1-bedroom apartment. I want people to look at me and say, 'Hey, that guy did something with his life.'"
Dr. Walsh nodded and smirked. "That's not the truth."
James' face creased with confusion and frustration. "What do you mean it's not the truth? Of course it's the truth! I've told you all of this before!"
"And that's how I know it isn't the truth," Dr. Walsh replied. "You're still giving me the answer you think I want to hear. All of the same clichés about a good job, a successful lifestyle, fame and fortune, a wife, dog, and two and a half kids. Yeah, everybody wants that stuff."
"So, what? Maybe that's what I want - a normal life, like everyone else. Maybe that's enough for me."
Dr. Walsh returned to his chair. "James, if we're going to go forward with your treatment, you need to trust me. You need to be able to show me every scrap of your being. That's what I am, James. I'm a psychiatrist. It's my job to care for your psyche - your mind and soul. I can't do that if you put up this wall every time I try to delve deeper into who you really are."
James shook his head in exasperation, and sighed.
"James, I am going to ask you this question one more time. If I don't get an honest answer, a truthful answer, then you are more than welcome to pay my fee once a week, lie on that couch, and babble nonstop for hour on any subject you want. Philosophy, politics, sports, racist jokes, whatever. But you will never - and I mean, never - get any help from me. I'm not going to try and fix what's broken when you won't open up the hood."
James sighed again, closing his eyes.
"Are you ready for the question?"
After a pause, James replied. "Yes, I'm ready."
"James Knox, what is it that you truly want to be, more than anything else?"
James thought for a moment more, and then opened his mouth to answer. He stopped himself, thinking what he was about to say was equal parts ridiculous and disgusting. But he thought back to his existence to that point - 32, single, living in a simple 1-bedroom apartment, no girlfriend, no social activities, no self-esteem. It had haunted him his whole life, this feeling of shame and discomfort, of never truly being in control. There was only one thing he knew of that had none of these worries, none of these faults. That's what he wanted to be. He opened his mouth again to speak.
"I want..." James began, "I want... to be a werewolf."
The room was silent for exactly three seconds.
James flinched internally. He'd blown it, for sure. Who in the world says they want to be a werewolf? Crazy people, that's who. People who dress up in those ridiculous costumes and pretend they're animals when they really aren't. Sickos. And now that he'd exposed his darkest secret to Dr. Walsh, he knew it was just a matter of time before his treatment would begin focusing on purging this horrific desire from his mind.
Dr. Walsh finally broke the silence. "Well done, James. I can't tell you how proud I am."
James propped himself from the couch. "So, when do we start the deprogramming?"
"Deprogramming?" Dr. Walsh repeated, surprised. "What are you talking about?"
"You know what I mean, Dr. Walsh. I just said I wanted to be a werewolf. I'm a deviant. I want to be a monster. Normal people don't want to be werewolves, they want to be writers with a wife, a dog, and two and a half kids."
Dr. Walsh left his chair again, leaning over to put his hand on James' shoulder. "James, calm down. Nodody's calling you a deviant or a monster. I don't think what you said was that terrible at all. In fact, I'm very, very happy you answered the way you did."
"You are? Why?"
"Because, now we can explore this side of you more. This is the James Knox I wanted to know about: the one you don't show to the rest of the world. Let me guess - you've never told anyone else about this, have you?"
James shook his head. "The only clue is what I have as my favorite movie. But, what good does this do? Werewolves don't exist. There's no point in wishing to be something that's imaginary."
"That's not the issue here, James. We'll get to that in due time. But first, tell me - why do you want to be a werewolf?"
"It's... hard to put into words," James said unassuredly.
"Try."
"Well, it's a number of things. It's the transformation, for one thing. I always get a kick out of watching a film or a cartoon where a character turns into a werewolf. The way they groan and shout while their body changes, their clothes ripping off, the fur growing, the fangs getting sharper, all that stuff. The rush of power that sweeps through them as they get stronger and more ferocious. The roar they belt out when the beast inside of them is finally released. They become faster, stronger, more virile, more instinctive, invincible - everything I'm not."
Now that the door had been opened, James felt compelled to let it all out, practically rambling in his explanation. "They're in total control. They can do whatever they want. Uninhibited. They don't have to worry about consequences or deadlines or getting fired from their job or anything that a normal person has to worry about. They can run with the wind, hunt, howl at the moon, all of that. Just the thought of having that ability, once in a while, to let myself go and run through the forest, then come back the next morning like nothing happened. That's what I want, Dr. Walsh - I want to have the freedom that a werewolf has. I wouldn't kill anybody or anything like that, I just want that feeling of freedom and power."
Dr. Walsh sat in his chair, his head resting in his hand, fascinated by what was pouring out of James.
"Is that a truthful enough answer for you?"
Dr. Walsh chuckled. "James, I want to tell you something. In the 17 years I have been in this profession, I have never had someone open up the way you have. I'll say it again - I am incredibly proud of what you've just said here. This is a breakthrough the likes of which I never thought I'd have with you. Now, the issue is how we deal with you wanting to be a werewolf."
"You mean, how to make me stop wanting to be a werewolf."
"Oh, quite the opposite," Dr. Walsh retorted. "It's clear to me that if you were to have your wish granted - that you could actually become a werewolf - it would help you immensely."
"But there's no such thing as werewolves, so there's no sense in-"
"Don't be so quick to abandon your wish, James."
"What," James said incredulously, "are you saying that werewolves are real?"
"I said nothing of the sort," Dr. Walsh replied. "However, I do believe that there is a way for you to live out your wish and be as free and as strong as the werewolves you fantasize about."
"What is it?"
"It's a surprise. I'll have it ready for you next week."
James nodded. "Thanks, Dr. Walsh." The two shook hands.
--
The week passed by with agonizing slowness. Telling Dr. Walsh about his hidden desires certainly relieved a huge amount of pressure from his mind - at least, he was glad the psychiatrist didn't immediately call for the men in white coats to come in. But he had no idea how he'd ever get the chance to act on those desires and actually become a werewolf.
Wednesday afternoon finally rolled around again, and James was practically pacing in the lobby while waiting for Dr. Walsh to summon him into his office. When the door finally clicked open, James nearly pounced on the doctor.
But Dr. Walsh stopped James short of the doorway. "We're not going to have our usual session today, James."
"But..." James said, crestfallen, "you said that you were going to help me."
"I am." Dr. Walsh reached into his pocket and pulled out a thumb drive, which he handed to James. "Here. Go home, and put this on your iPod. Then, I want you to listen to this whole thing, start to finish, with headphones on. Call me when you're done with it. OK?"
"OK. When do you want this back?"
"Keep it," Dr. Walsh replied. "It's yours. Consider it an opportunity to have your wish granted."
James smiled. "Thanks." He turned right around, jumped in his car, and sped home.
James' apartment was a small one; just enough room to house his bed and personal effects in his bedroom; a small sofa, coffee table, and TV in the living room; and a kitchen that clearly indicated that a bachelor was living there. Firing up his computer, he quickly transferred "James Knox Treatment 01.mp3" onto his MP3 player, and stuffed the earbuds in his ears. He scrolled up the file on the touch screen, and played it.
After a moment of silence, Dr. Walsh's voice began to speak to James.
"Hello, James. It's Dr. Robert Walsh here. After our discussion last week, I decided the best way for you to overcome your issues with self-confidence and fear would be to give you an opportunity to live out your dream of becoming a werewolf. Obviously, werewolves don't exist outside of fictional fantasylands, but that does not necessarily prevent you from becoming one. This MP3 is an exercise that I want you to play whenever you feel the desire to become a werewolf. First, I want you be seated. Not lying down, but seated. The room should be adequately lit, but not overly bright. Turn off your cell phone and leave your TV and computer off. Pause this recording if you have to. When you're ready, we'll continue."
James quickly walked into the living room, sat on the sofa, switched off his cell phone, and unpaused the recording.
"Very well, let us begin. We'll start with some breathing exercises. I want you to breathe in through your nose and out through your mouth. Relax every muscle in your body. Inhale... hold... exhale. Inhale... hold... exhale. You're feeling very relaxed, very calm right now. Inhale... hold... exhale. Your eyes are starting to get heavy. Keep breathing.
"I will now count down from 10. When I reach 1, you will be asleep. Ten... Nine... Deep breaths... Eight... You are totally relaxed now... Seven... Six... Focus on my voice, James... Five... Four... Very sleepy now... Three... Two... One.
"You're standing on a grassy hilltop. You're alone. All by yourself. Nobody around you for miles in any direction. A cool breeze blows from the west, filling your nostrils with the scent of a summer night. It is cool, but not chilling. You stand barefoot, wearing only a white T-shirt and blue sweatpants, with a small hole cut just above the backside. You delight in the feeling of the breeze as it billows over your arms and shoulders. Only a couple of clouds are present in the night sky, a sky that's dotted with millions of stars. You feel full of energy and tension as the moment draws close.
"The wind gusts, and as you look up at the sky, you watch as one of the clouds blows off to the east, slowly revealing a large, silvery moon. As the moon's light becomes stronger, you can feel the hair on your neck stand on end, as excitement and anticipation grows with every moment. Finally, the cloud vanishes from sight, and the full moon, beautiful and bright, is now shining upon you, filling you with its mystical energy, activating the change inside you.
"A rush of power begins to overtake you. Your heart thumps louder and louder, adrenaline coursing through your veins. Your skin begins to tingle and shiver. You bring your arm into view, and watch as strands of hair emerge from every pore, thickening moment by moment. Your fingernails turn dark and dense, growing longer and sharper until they are capable of slicing through steel. You feel the growth of fur spreading across your body - your arms, your back, your chest, your legs, all becoming enveloped in your dark brown fur coat.
"Your muscles begin to swell, as the next stage of your transformation begins to take hold. You can feel yourself becoming stronger and stronger, the pure, unbridled power within you unleashing itself onto the world. Your shirt becomes tight around your body, straining to hold in the expanding mass, until it can bear the strain no longer. A tear starts from the back of your collar, ripping in jagged fashion down the length of the shirt, until it finally shreds from all angles. Your tail begins to snake out from behind you, pushing through the hole in your pants until it reaches its full length. It wags playfully as your heels rise up off the ground, and black, leathery pads appear on your foot-paws.
"Your face is the last to change. Your mouth opens wide as your canine teeth grow long and frighteningly sharp, becoming predatory fangs. Your ears stretch and fold, developing a conical point as they travel to the top of your head. The last of the fur races up your neck and across your face, and suddenly your jawline wrenches forward, extending your nasal cavity and muzzle. Your senses explode with a cavalcade of smells and sounds, and the primal instincts of the wolf flood your mind. The power, the instinct, the ferocity, the sensory overload - all you can do is tilt your head up to the sky and RRRRRRROOOOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!!!!!!!
"It takes a moment for you to regain your bearings, and for your mind to recover from the transformation you've just undergone. But almost instantly, you're off! You run faster than a cheetah, the grass tickling your paws as you gallop across the field. You are free to do whatever you want, go whereever you want to go, for the rest of the night. You revel in the feel of the wind against your lupine face, the feel of the fur all over your body.
"Suddenly, you stop as a peculiar scent attracts your nose. A rabbit seems to be nearby. Easy prey for such a fearsome monster such as yourself. As you detect where the scent comes from, you take off like a bolt of lightning, ready and eager for your first hunt of the night. You track it down easily, and with your enhanced sight you can easily see it lurking in the grass despite the relative darkness. The rabbit turns its head and sees you, and knowing your intentions, runs away. You can easily outrun it, but decide to have a little harmless fun first. You let it run off for a few seconds, then circle around to head it off 20 yards away. The rabbit turns tail and runs away again, and once more you let it escape for a short while before overtaking it. When the rabbit runs off for the third time, you decide your hunger needs to be sated. With only a few strides, you easily catch up to your prey, and with one last pounce, you chomp down on it! The taste of blood touches your tongue, and it only whets your appetite that much more. You devour the small creature, savoring the raw, tender meat that only a rabbit can offer a werewolf. It's your first of the night, but you know that you'll want a few more meals of this sort before the night is through.
"You see a forest about a mile away, and without a second thought, you take off. Every once in a while, you bend forward and use your upper body to thrust yourself forward, running on all fours the way a real wolf does. When you enter the forest, you weave and through the trunks of the tall, imposing spruce trees, the smell of the needles filling your sinuses. You stop for a moment, admiring the size and stature of the woods around you, revelling in the freedom of the wilderness.
"In the distance, you hear footsteps trotting elsewhere in the forest. The faint, but discernable sound of panting accompanying them. They are your brethren, a pack of wild wolves off on their nightly hunt. You feel an invisible force drawing you to them, calling for you to join them in the hunt, to provide your power and cunning to their cause. Slowly, you walk in the direction of the noises, your keen eyesight on the look out for the familiar lupine shape that you have adopted for the night. Before long, you see them - a pack of six wolves, all boasting salt-and-pepper fur colorings. One of them - the eldest of the pack - looks at you quizzically. He's never seen one of his own walk on two legs before. He notices how your body somewhat resembles the humans that he's seen on occasion, campers and hunters who do their best to stay away. The fact that you're joining their ranks leaves him curious, but he has no objections. He pads off to the east, and you follow along, the rest of the pack close behind.
"Your hunting instincts are now on full blast. Every fiber of your being is attuned to your surroundings, ready to attack the next prey unlucky enough to cross your path. An elk enters your field of vision, stopping to drink at a nearby stream. No words are necessary, not even inhuman noises like barks or growls. Both you and the pack know exactly how to take such a large animal down. Slowly, the elder male begins to approach the elk, the rest of the wolves fanning out to cut off any means of escape. You circle around, ready to get the drop on the animal as soon as it tries to run off. The elder wolf begins growling menacingly, revealing its presence to the ungulate creature. The elk frantically starts to look around, and sees the other wolves surrounding him. You, however, have the honor of being stationed directly behind the elk, so that you can catch it totally by surprise.
"The elk's instinct to take flight kicks in, and it swiftly turns around to try and run away. But it didn't count on the six-foot, 300-pound hybrid of human and apex predator standing in its way. In a split second, you're on top of the elk, wrestling it down to the ground. With one slash of your claws, its throat is torn wide open, and the other wolves complete the ambush. Your ears take in the sound of flesh tearing apart, the snarls of hunger sated. This animal will feed all seven of you without any trouble at all.
"The wolves share a drink at the same stream where they caught the elk, and look at you in gratitude for making their hunt so much easier. They motion for you to join them in their drink, but you know that there is so much more world to explore, so much more to see and feel and hear and smell, before the sun rises and returns you to your human form. But as you turn around to leave, you hear the elder wolf begin to howl. The other wolves, as if on cue, join in on the song, creating a chilling and beautfiful serenade to the moon shining down above the cover of trees. Grateful for what you've been able to share with them, you tilt your muzzle to the sky above and howl as well. It's a lower, much deeper howl than any of the other wolves, and it's practically loud enough to cause the ground beneath you to shake. The howling continues for a minute longer, before the wolves depart, disappearing within the forest. You turn the other way, back towards the field you came from, and dash away once again.
"The night continues, and every second of it is a new experience for you. No longer hungry, you relish in the beauty of the nature around you, birds and insects and field mice and everything else interacting with each other, one fully self-sufficient habitat where everything is in perfect order. Even with your presence, the harmony of the environment is pure and true. You are at ease with yourself, your body and your soul. Nothing outside of this place matters. You are a werewolf, a pinnacle of man and beast, a convergence of intellect and instinct.
"The sun will rise soon. You can see the sky begin to brighten in the east. It will not be long now before the transformation will reverse itself and return you to your original human form. But you are not upset about this. You know that come the next full moon, you'll be back here again, ready to change once more and continue exploring this land, free of the pressures of human life for another night. You lay on your side on the cool, damp grass, feeling the breeze billow through your fur, savoring these final moments as a wolf, before your eyes close and you drift off to a deep, restful sleep.
"I will count down from five to one. When I get to one, you will wake up refreshed, the memories and the sensations of this experience living on inside you. Five... Four... Three... Two... One.
"Welcome back, James. I trust you had a good rest. This concludes this week's exercise. When you come to my office next week, we will discuss what you've just experience and how we will apply it to your situations here in the real world. Remember - you may be an ordinary human being, just like me and everyone else, but it doesn't mean you can't imagine yourself as something else. Goodbye, James."
James' eyes opened. The cushions of his couch were soaked with sweat, as were the jeans and T-shirt he was wearing. He felt invigorated, his body abuzz with newfound energy.
Removing the earphones, James took a deep breath. It was as if the wolf he'd just imagined himself becoming had somehow taken hold within him, filling him with a confidence and self-identity he'd never had before. He pulled his shirt off as he stood up and walked towards the bathroom for a much-needed shower.
When he emerged from the shower, clean and fresh, he grabbed his cell phone and dialed a familiar number. It rang twice before a female voice answered.
"Save-More Drugs, can I help you?"
"Yeah, it's James. Can I talk to Angelo please?"
After a few moments of waiting, James' boss picked up the line. "This is Angelo, what do you need James?"
"I need to do something more with my life," James replied flatly. "I quit." Immediately, he hung up.
He grabbed his coat hanging on a nearby rack, and confidently walked out the door. He knew it was an incredibly rash decision to just leave his job, not knowing how he'd be able to afford his apartment, or his bills, or even food. But all that could wait for the night while he went to the bar and looked for someone to share the night with. He may not physically be a werewolf, but no man would disagree that the James Knox of Wednesday was a far, far different person than the James Knox of Tuesday.