Second Chances 11.5 (Lukes perspective)
#13 of Ar
Authors note - So... I realize I havent written anything in a while, sorry about that, but I've got a small chapter for all yall out there. Is this chapter short? Yes. Am I trying to get back into the swing of things? Yes. That said I'm a bit rusty so I apologise if its not up to par but I hope you enjoy it. Once again I wish to thank all those who watch, fav, rate, and comment. Thanks for the tons of support guys, oh and if you have a problem with gay content you can suck it XP.
Why? This is the only question that hits me in the head over and over again... like running your head into a brick wall. Why do I like him so much? He's smart, decent looking, and a great singer but why? What's the magic touch? There are plenty of other guys I should be falling for but why him?
Why does he love me? I wish he didn't love me when he doesn't even know me. He doesn't even know ME. Would he still love me if he knew who I was? If he knew what I was? He has fallen in love with a fake, a façade, a mere shell barely containing who I truly am. But he makes me happy. He makes me so happy. So I can't keep lying to him. I can't keep lying to him, bringing him closer only so I can break him. I know that's what will happen once he learns. The truth won't set him free, the truth will only break him; shatter his gentle heart into millions of pieces. Don't I make him happy though? If he's happy and I'm happy then maybe, just maybe I can keep this lie alive for a bit longer. This fleeting happiness might be able to last as long as I want it to.
Wait, when did we stop driving? I looked over at the blue fox occupying the seat next to me. His poor cheeks were still slightly matted with tears, I guess this was goodbye. Not a single thing, why couldn't he come up with a single thing to help keep this happiness alive. I wanted to continue our ignorant bliss. There goes my temporary joy. Although, the relief is soon to follow. The relief of the lie being washed away, not from existence but from the moment like only the calm after a torrential tide of emotion can leave you. Drained and relieved, until the people who bring about these tides come back, then the storm and lies spring back to life. Stress of mine, shell of mine, lies of mine, and all the conflicts inside me. Well at least he's still smiling, preserving the good feelings, I probably have a stupid grin on my face too but, there's something weird about his smile this time. Something's off and now I'm curious.
"I like the color of my fur," he said with a soft strength. The kind of strength that comes from certainty and the softness that comes with newfound knowledge. It's not perfect but its something, that's a start. Besides I've already lied to him a couple of times tonight. About who I am and about when I see this relationship ending... right around when he discovers the truth. I let the compromise of fragile joy let me say yes in my mind. Yes to a relationship, it'll hurt in the end, for both of us but our ignorance is what will keep us happy and alive for the time being.
"Do you really mean it?" I asked. It was actually going to happen for once in my life. Yes, to me, actually to me. Love. Happiness. I guess those are real concepts after all, not just things made up by fiction writers and liars in their spare time to torture those of us who dare to actually seek it.
"Yeah, blue is my favorite color," he whispered with certainty and started giggling. I just had to join in, his emotions are utterly infectious and, in this moment, his happiness is so great it is palpable in the very air surrounding us. After our little giggle fit ended he took a sudden serious expression, dialing the mood down. How does he do that? He has such control of the atmosphere, it's as if the has the ability to control emotions themselves with the way he can charge the air. "So," the words glided out of his mouth, "what does this mean for us?" The words fell on me like lead bricks. Do I say yes and continue the lies? I already decided yes. He's seen my hesitation now though; I have to play it off.
Now of the many things I am being playful is my favorite quality about myself, so that's how I'm going to play it off. My hesitance is just me teasing him. For all he knows it is nothing more and nothing less. "I guess we could start by hanging out at school and we'll go from there," I paused, making as serious face as possible, letting the incompleteness of the moment set in and his expression start to drop slowly and worriedly until I couldn't contain myself any longer, "babe." There it was he was getting emotional again, time to seal the deal, kill his consciousness. Kill it with kisses. Just a peck on the lips really, but that's all it took for us to both be grinning uncontrollably and for him to be so dizzy with happiness he fumbled with the door stepping out. Just seeing him in such a daze that it took him a few moments to find his house key, drop it, and then pick it up again only to struggle finding the lock on the front door. He's so cute when he's disoriented. After he finally found the ability to unlock and open his front door he made the biggest goofy grin anyone could conceive and he waved back at me, eventually stumbling inside. Usually people only act like this when they're drunk off their asses. Well I guess he was intoxicated with me. The shell. Damn there goes the happiness.
I sighed and let out a, "safely inside," to nobody in particular. Suddenly I remembered I needed to get home now. In time to release her. I HAVE to be on time. Pulling out of his driveway I made my way home in record time, even though it was only a couple of blocks away, I couldn't get there fast enough. I checked my watch, five minutes till 1 am, I can make it. I shoved the key in the lock on my front door, in such a panic to keep going I didn't even notice I slammed the door shut and forgot to lock it again before I bolted for my room. I ran over to the wooden chest at the foot of my bed and pulled off the chain necklace I was wearing and carefully took the key at the end of it and unlocked the chest.
"Hello Gem," I breathed out as I looked at my watch, two minutes to spare. Thanks to my wonderful treasure chest I don't have to lie to anyone, from one am to two am I don't have to hide inside my shell, slowly killing what's living inside. I pulled out some of the things in my treasure chest, including a CD labeled 'Gem'. A treasured set of songs, I popped the CD into the player and kept it turned down to a soft ambiance level and 'Dog days are Over' started playing lightly. I took the rest of Gems things over to the modest desk and set up the mirror, opened a box I had just put on the lonely desk, and turned on the directional lamp so that it lit up my maw and I started to remove the 'shell'.
"Happiness hit her, like a train on a track," the music started and Gem started to think about Rose, just how unbearably happy Rose made her. She uncapped a tube that she had pulled from the box on the desk.
"She hid around corners and she hid under beds, she killed it with kisses and for all men she fled," the music continued. I popped the cap back onto my lipstick. I hide everywhere, from everyone, from everything. I can't do it for much longer, I'll die, suffocate inside that shell.
But what if he doesn't love me anymore once he sees me? Exposes my lie.
The song continued on in the background and slowly but surely, Gem revealed herself, the only thoughts in her head were, 'I wish he could love me for me.' Song after song came on, songs that were special to Gem, and finally she was free! Gem was free if only for the rest of this hour Make-up on, wig? The silver one is my favorite, it goes great with my fur color. Dress? The little black cocktail dress, another favorite, if only it could hide my Adam's apple, although that would take away from the appeal! There is either strapless appeal or no appeal at all.
Sitting there at my desk in blue lipstick and dusty blue grey eye shadow, wig, dress, and all other articles in place I looked in the mirror and finally what I felt like on the inside resembled my outsides. Looking into the mirror allowed myself to finally see my hidden Gem. She looked back at me through the mirror and the only thought I had. The real me had, was I wish he could love the real me.
The me that is a she.
I also want to take a moment to say goodbye to Christine, my inspiration and childhood friend. Also I'd like to say hello to Chris, congratz on the completion of month 6 in your transitioning. I've known you since you were 7 and I was 6, if anyone deserves this you do. I wish you nothing but the best.