Torchlight International Part 2: The Initiation
I arrived at the Regent's Suites hotel downtown just a few minutes before 6:30. After checking into the hotel (which, fortunately, was covered in the price of the workshop), I was directed to a row of tables where smartly-dressed volunteers sat behind tables.
I went to the table marked "A-F" and gave them my name. They recorded it down on a laptop computer, then handed me a name tag with my name and a purple exclamation point sticker. "Have a seat, doors open at 7:00 sharp," said a female rabbit before I had a chance to ask what the sticker was for.
Two more volunteers actually put their hands on my shoulders and nudged me in the direction of a row of benches across from a large conference room. It seemed a bit forceful, but I went along and took a seat where there were as few other creatures around as possible.
The rest of the attendees filed in, perhaps fifty in all, and before long they were milling around anxiously in the waiting area. A nervous-looking skunk sat down on my left, and a slightly cocky-looking stag sat on my right.
The volunteers all suddenly gathered into a huddle next to their tables, apparently discussing something important, before the rabbit who had spoken to me earlier stepped out of the group and approached us.
"Your attention, please!" she said in a loud, clear voice. "Pay attention because I'm only going to say this once, and if you can't follow simple directions you will be asked to leave. It is now 6:45 PM, the doors will open in exactly fifteen minutes time. Music will be playing as you enter the doors, you are to file to the seat nearest the front of the room and be seated by the time the music stops or you will be considered late for the orientation. If you need to go to the bathroom, do it now because there will be no restroom breaks. We encourage full, total participation in our events. Are there any questions?"
There was a general murmuring among the group, but nobody had anything to ask.
"No questions? Good. Alright, welcome to Torchlight International, we hope you have an inspiring evening."
At this, several of the assembled creatures started to clap. I joined them, not wanting to look like I wasn't enjoying this, although in the back of my mind a voice screamed that something was terribly, horribly wrong with all this.
The anticipation was allowed to build to a climax, until two of the volunteers suddenly strode forward and opened the doors to the conference room. There was cheering as the doors swung wide to a grand, classical military march.
But why a military march? It seemed an odd choice for an assembly about exercising one's individual potential. I filed in with the rest, taking my seat in the darkened room, trying not to let myself become too judgmental of the process before I knew anything about it.
The doors slammed shut as soon as the music stopped, and I noticed volunteers scrambling to remove all the un-filled seats in the room.
Just then, a leopard in a shirt and tie, who carried his suit coat jauntily over one shoulder, swaggered up to the podium with a large, all-too-predatory grin, his tail swaying. I immediately recognized him as David R. Walther.
"Hello and welcome to Torchlight International's fifth annual leadership summit. I'm David R. Walther, founder and president of this company."
He went on to describe, in a lengthy yet nebulous speech, how he had built this company from the ground up and created his method from scratch using "proven scientific methods" of motivation and inspiration. Never once did he elaborate on any of this; he seemed more content to toot his own horn.
Just when I thought he was nearly done, he continued. "We at Torchlight International believe in a concept we call MEAR. MEAR is at the core of our system, it stands for both the idea and the physical process in everything we do in life. It stands for Motivation, Energy, Action, and Results."
He began to expound, in another long yet nebulous speech, about each of these qualities of his philosophy. Everything he said seemed soaked in glib generalities, and yet his expression was so sincere, the audience so rapt in attention, that I began to wonder if there wasn't some profound subtext that I was missing.
"But you are all here for a reason," he said sincerely, folding his hands in front of him as his voice grew quiet. "You see, you can't achieve MEAR unless you first set yourself on the Grand Road and become Power-enacted. You are here because you are not Power-enacted; you are living the Lost Life, the life that leads to unhappiness, despair, poverty, and self-pity. For many of you, it might even lead to an early grave. I know some of you struggle with addictions, some of you struggle with compulsions, some of you have a hard time saying no to someone in your life, but friends, I want you to know, I'm here, and I care. Torchlight cares about you and wants to see you shine in life, can I get a round of applause?"
With that, nearly everyone jumped to their feet and began to applaud loudly. Not wanting to look out of place, I did too, hoping no one would notice that I was late to my feet.
The leopard raised his hand and the crowd grew instantly silent. He scanned over them, a confident gleam in his eye. A chill ran from my head to my tail as I realized what that look meant: he had them, and he knew it.
"You know, we have a saying here at Torchlight," he said, suddenly affecting a folksy lilt to his voice. "We like to say that if you come on your knees, you're going to leave wearing boots, but if you come wearing boots, you know what's gonna happen?"
The crowd murmured slightly, wondering if they should answer.
"I say do you know what's gonna happen?" the leopard roared.
"You're gonna leave on your knees!" the crowd shouted in unison.
"Now see, we're off to a good start here already. See, you have to learn to trust. For a moment there, you didn't trust me. I gave you the signal to speak, but you didn't take it. You spent a moment and over-intellectualized it. But didn't it feel good when you just let go and did what you knew was right without intellectualizing?"
The crowd roared in affirmation.
"Now, I'm going to go around the room and select a few of you to just come and introduce yourselves. Just tell us your name, what you do, and what it is you want Torchlight to help you with. Now after everyone speaks, I want you all to tell them you love them. We're all family here tonight, we're here to help. I think I'll start with... you," he said, pointing to a scruffy-looking mixed canine from the front row.
The canine got to his feet, scratching himself and looking back and forth. A volunteer stepped forward with a microphone and handed it to him.
"I'm... I'm Larry Banks and... And... I h...h...have a drug problem. And I just want to quit," he said, barely forcing the words out before sitting down.
"Larry, you came on your knees and asked for help without blaming anyone else for your problems. I promise, if you stay with this program, you will find the strength within to fight your addiction and lead a Power-enacted life. We love you, Larry."
"We love you Larry," everyone repeated in unison.
This continued for some time, and it soon became apparent that it wasn't just a select few who would be called upon to speak. The mic got passed to everyone in the room.
Most of their problems were what you'd expect at self-help seminars. There were addicts, alcoholics, procrastinators, dropouts, and desperately lonely types who just wanted some validation for their existence.
Two of them, however, really stood out for me.
The first was a young serval who couldn't have been much more than 19. He picked up the mic and said "My name is Neville Allen, I'm a student, and... And... I'm here because..." He paused a moment, his voice growing quiet. "...because I'm gay and I don't want to be."
David smiled at him. "Neville, after just a few days with us, you're going to learn just how in control of yourself you really are, in all things. If you don't want to be gay, you can change that, but you have to learn to tap into that will within you and join the Grand Road. You'll find you're not gay at all, it's just a label that's been slapped on you by whiny, self-pitying folks who live the Lost Life. You will grow strong and be above them, Neville, but only if you put your trust in Torchlight to show you the way. We love you Neville."
As the crowd enthusiastically professed their love for this total stranger, my blood boiled. Not only did they make no attempt to help him accept himself for who he was, they encouraged him to believe he was broken! This was outrageous. He was a good kid who just needed to learn to love himself; why did he get wrapped up in all this?
The next one, though, really made me sick with disbelief. A squirrel, slightly older, probably a little past middle age, stood up feebly and clutched the microphone. In a voice that was barely audible, she professed, nearly in tears, what had brought her to this summit.
"My name is Anne Thomas. A year ago, I was diagnosed with inoperable pancreatic cancer. I... I tried so many different doctors, none of them said there was anything they could do. Then a friend told me about your wonderful system. He told me you could... you could teach me to cure myself just by learning to control my life. And, well, that's the kind of hope I just can't afford to turn down any more."
David personally stepped forward, taking her hand. "Anne, I want you to know that your friend hasn't brought you here in vain," he said, oozing with sincerity. "I want you to know that we all here love you and believe in you. In the next few days we're going to learn what really causes illnesses of the body, and how we choose to be sick or well. You're going to live to grow and prosper on the Grand Road, Anne, this much I promise you. We love you, Anne!"
As the crowd professed to love her, she burst into tears of joy and threw her frail arms around the much taller leopard.
I wanted to vomit. So that's what this was all about? Selling false hope? Letting poor, lonely, terrified creatures hold onto made-up problems, and letting others believe that problems they could do nothing about were all in their control?
This was madness, and I wanted to storm out that moment. Then I thought about my job... I could never show myself at TV Town again if I walked out on this workshop. I had to bear with it, just for the weekend.
That was when they came to me.
I stood there, a spotlight shining on me as I held the microphone, looking like I'd been caught in the headlights of a truck.
I finally regained my senses and said exactly what was on my mind. "My name is James Alton, and... And I'm just here because of work."
David glared at me. "Just because of work?" he said, lifting an eyebrow. The crowd grew silent.
"Yeah... I... Had to do this workshop before they'd make me a manager," I said, his eyes fixed on me.
"So you're here because you want to gain the confidence to become a manager?" he said.
"No, that's not what I said... Look, I'm only here because my boss made me go before I could become a manager!" I shouted, realizing in an instant that I had just thrown him the bone he needed to tear me apart.
"He made you go? He made you go?" he shouted, swaggering a bit. "And then you come in here trying to act like you don't have problems! Look at you, you're letting them lead you around by the nose like a prize pig, and you're acting like you're just here to fulfil an obligation. But you're still here, aren't you? The door's right there, I don't see you leaving, James. You're here because you have a problem, and we all know it. So tell me, James, what's your problem?"
I sat down and tried to hand my mic back to the volunteer, but instead, David came right at me and stood over me, fangs bared.
"I said, what's your problem?" he shouted. "I think everyone here deserves to know, what is your problem, fox? Come on, everyone, on the count of three, one, two, three.."
"What's your problem?" everyone shouted in unison, glaring at me.
I felt naked, afraid, and isolated. No one was on my side, and it was terrifying. I had to think of something, anything, to tell them just so they'd leave me alone and stop ridiculing me.
"My... My problem is... I don't... admit to my problems?" I said, hoping this would be enough.
"Your problem is you're blocking!" the leopard shouted. "Just look at you, wretched thing that you are! You're standing right in front of the road sign for the Grand Road, and what do you do? You dig in your heels like a stubborn pack beast! You see the good things that await you, and you don't want them because your heart is so stripped of trust and respect, that you can't even respect yourself, and if you keep up this way you're just going to keep slitting your throat until you end up nowhere. Now, James, nobody hates you here, we love you here. But you have to let us love you. James, will you let us love you, all of us?"
"Yes! Yes!" I shouted, desperate to get him out of my face, but the note they heard was that of a pitiful creature begging to be let back into the fold.
"That's what I like to hear. This one came in with boots on, but he's going to learn to crawl before we let him walk again. But that's what you do with family. That's what you do with someone you love, and we all love him, don't we?"
"We love you, James!" everyone shouted.
"You are with friends, James. No need to hide your problems now. Maybe after all this you'll have learned something."
I slumped in my seat as the last few initiates were called to speak. By the end of the first assembly, I felt drained and weak, and I shuffled to my hotel room, tail tucked and ears back, too tired to even get my bags out of my car.
Maybe it wasn't worth it, I thought. Maybe I should just give my two weeks notice and find work somewhere else.
No, I'm not a quitter, I thought to myself. I can do this. Just one lousy weekend, I can do this!