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Each and every time I closed my eyes, I could see it. Each time I closed my eyes, I could feel it. I could hear it... Feeling the cold wind going over my back as I walked... I remember each scent all too well... The whole refugee camp was struck with almost complete darkness... The full moon gave just enough illumination to make my way through the camp... The dark clouds passed by the moon in the pitch black night sky... It was difficult to see the stars... And I was wandering out there, all alone... No one made a sound... No one moved... Everyone seemed to be asleep... The puddles of blood underneath people made me think otherwise... The mud was sticking underneath my paws as I slowly made my way... I was the only one making sound... While I was walking, I couldn't help but to think of that girl in the building... And everyone else who stayed there... Everything is crystal clear whenever I close my eyes... As if it happened only minutes ago... It's like a movie that is playing in your head... It felt as if everyone was staring at me... Blaming me for still being alive... I remember how nauseous I felt when I saw people on the ground... It felt as if the air was getting thick and that I couldn't breathe... I remember I was passing by a building that was set on fire... Not everyone made it out alive... The scent of burned flesh and ash was unbearable as I passed by... People were burned to the point that they were incinerated... It's sickening... The sight of them terrified me so much yet I kept looking at them... The corpses were smouldering and their limbs... Their limbs were so deformed that it's psychically impossible... I can't remember why I stopped or what I was thinking at the moment... Each time I breathed through my nose, the scent of burned flesh penetrated my nostrils... It became so unbearable that I had to get away as quickly as I could...

As I slowly made my way back to our tent, I saw a wall with bullet holes and children on the ground... I guess some of them weren't older than I was at the time... Their bodies were perforated... And while I was moving forward, I paid attention to everything... Every little sound... I was thinking that maybe this was all just one big prank, you know... That at some point, everyone would jump up and laugh at my reaction... But they didn't... What scared me the most was the total absence of sound... No footsteps, no yelling... Nothing... Not even the sound of gunfire in the distance... Just my own footsteps in the mud and the wind waving through the trees... The wooden lampposts on the dust path were mostly shattered... The path used to be perfectly illuminated during the night but now, only a couple of lights were burning... Every now and then I had to stop to sit down to recover from that nauseous feeling... I've been crying ever since I got out of that building... Whether it was caused by panic or fear or... I don't know... Something told me to keep moving... To keep looking for her even though I was feeling cold... Hungry... Thirsty... Exhausted... How long have I been wandering around...? Half an hour...? Two hours...? Five hours...? I had no notion of time whatsoever... After wandering around what seemed to me as an eternity, I finally found her on the ground... She stood out from all the others... Wearing her favourite beige skirt with a white blouse... Her clothes were dirty from the mud... When I got closer to her, I saw that her throat was slit... But I tried not to look at it... I looked at her face instead... Her hand still felt a little warm when I held it... She had her eyes closed... And unlike everyone else I've seen, my mother looked peaceful... But despite that, I still shook her gently for her to get up... She never did... When she wasn't getting up, I experienced what it was like to feel desolation and to be truly lonely... It's a burden that no child is supposed to bare at such a young age... And that's when I gave up all hope... So I got down next to her, clenching on my mother... Hoping my time would come soon as I cried quietly while there was not a living soul who could hear me...

'Ceylan...! Ceylan...!! Wake up...!'

When I opened my eyes, I noticed a vague figure was shaking me. I blinked a couple of times and rubbed my eyes to see who it was. "What the hell is Sam doing in my room?" I looked around for a moment and realized that it wasn't my room at all. "How the hell did I get here...?" I looked at Sam as if she was a complete stranger or something while she kept staring at me with wide eyes... And slowly, I started to remember. Several weeks passed by since Sam and I became "special friends"... We didn't do it in the mean time... But I stayed over at Sam's place when her dad was gone for the weekend with his girlfriend... Sam and I went out... Had a few drinks together and I had some good laughs with her... Went back to her place and made out for a bit... And that's it... I found myself in her bed while she was on an air mattress on the ground... I supposed we didn't do it otherwise we'd be in the same bed... I felt so drowsy and totally spaced out when Sam was shaking me... I sat upright and looked down as I wiped the sweat of my forehead... I felt so hot and noticed my left hand was shaking... I looked at her for a while as Sam kept staring at me...

'That was so freaky! You scared the hell out of me!'

'W-What are you talking about...?'

'You mean you don't know?!'

'No...'

'You were talking in your sleep... And all of a sudden, you sat upright and I saw your eyelids and your hand twitching... That was really scary...'

'Heh...'

'Did you had a bad dream...?'

'I-I uh... I just need a moment, okay...?'

'Sure thing...'

I got up as quickly as I could to make my way to the bathroom when that unbearable nauseous feeling was crawling up my throat once again... It didn't felt as if I had to vomit but it just didn't seem to go away either... I locked the door of Sam's bathroom and sat on the toilette seat... I was feeling so hot and slowly started to panic for no apparent reason... As if it was smothering me... I took a lot of deep breathes and slowly exhaled... Luckily, it helped... I placed my hands on the back of my head and looked down while my arms were supported on my knees... The tears were running down my face the moment I closed the door and my fingers were clenching on my hair, as if I could pull out my hair any minute from pure frustration and fear... "For fucks sake, get a grip, Ceylan..." I could hear my own quiet sobbing echoing in the bathroom... Not many people have seen me crying... And I wanted to keep it that way... Crying is something only weak and fragile people do... But it didn't seem to take away the empty void I felt that night... When I looked up, I saw my own face in the mirror... The older I get, the more I seemed to resemble my mother... And when I saw myself in the mirror, I couldn't hold myself anymore... I sat there for a while to let the tears run down my face... And when I finally managed to clear my mind and to have pulled myself together, I got up and leaned on the sink, staring in the mirror at myself... I can feel my mother caressing my hair and whispering quietly in my ear... "Dushi..." Her image never seems to fade away because I see her every time I look in the mirror... She looked a lot like me and even had the same freckles I have... The same beige circles around my eyes... The only difference with her is that she had black stripes on her muzzle and beautiful brown eyes... But staring at myself in the mirror is like an optical illusion... My mother's looking at me but at the same time, she isn't... It's like looking in a mirror, only not... "Che maranya deh... I love you..." I felt myself drifting away the longer I was staring at myself... It's captivating to see her face... And all of a sudden, I got snapped out of it by a quiet knock on the bathroom door...

'You alright in there, Ceylan?'

'Uh, y-yeah, yeah, I-I'm fine, thanks.'

'Can I get you anything?'

'No, thanks, I'll be fine...'

I heard her footsteps on the wooden floor of the hallway dieing off... And once I realized she was gone, I looked at myself in the mirror again. It's not me I'm seeing in the mirror... It's my mother... Remembering her voice is difficult... I can't remember much of my family... My parents... My little brother Sanjay... But the few memories I do have left of them seem to fade away into emptiness as each day passes by... Each and every night, I lie in bed thinking of them... The same always happens... My mind turns blank... As if I'm looking at a photo-album and only two pages contain photographs while all the other pages are ripped out of it... So what's it like, lying in your bed at night having no memories to call your own of the people you loved the most...? I can't describe that feeling even though I felt it for years...

A healthy mind doesn't wake up one morning thinking of the possibility of suicide to be able to be with their loved ones again... I'd give it all up just to be with them again... And yet... Something always told me not to do it... But after everything that happened, I was driven to the point I actually stood in the bathroom with a kitchen knife to end it all a few weeks after Sarah broke up with me... I was afraid... But when I looked up, I saw myself in the mirror with the kitchen knife placed on my wrist... I couldn't do it... I saw her in the mirror... I'd be taking her life if I did... And then it felt as if someone took my hand and made me place the knife on the bathroom counter... A guardian angel... And I know it's her... I walked out of the bathroom as if I was in some kind of trance and lay down on my bed crying my eyes out that day... Simon and Catherine never knew I thought of suicide, let alone an actual attempt...

I got so startled by that and I never attempted it again... And the message was clear to me... I was here for a reason... Someone was trying to guide me through... I know my mother lives on in me... But that doesn't mean it's not difficult to live with it... Crying and writing only helps for a while... Until the next time it comes back to haunt me...

I spaced out again... Just like that, the crying stopped... I took a few deep breathes and stared at myself in the mirror again. "Fuck, I'm a complete mess..." My eyes were red from all the crying I did so I splashed my face with water and rubbed my eyes to make it go away. They were still red, except not that bad anymore... I unlocked the door of the bathroom and made my way back to Sam's room where I sat on her bed to let it all sink down. But Sam wasn't in her room... A few minutes later, I heard she came up the stairs. The moment she opened the door of her bedroom, I lay down on her bed and made my back face her, so that she didn't see my face. I tugged myself under her blankets... She sat on the bed as I heard she placed something down on her nightstand...

'I got you some hot cocoa...'

'Thanks...'

'Did you have a bad dream...?'

'Yeah...'

'Here, drink up while it's still hot. It might help you catch some sleep again...'

'I don't think I'll be catching much sleep anymore... But I'll be fine...'

'No, but-'

'I'll be fine, Sam, honestly... Thanks...'

'This isn't healthy, Ceylan...'

'Just drop it... It's alright'

'No! It's not alright and you know it! This isn't good for you! If you saw what I saw you'd be saying the same thing!'

I already felt my blood boiling on the inside the moment she tried to dig deeper... It felt like that little box I got pushed in again... Feeling that desperate need to break free once again... Just to make her stop talking about it... I could've just ignored her, you know... But ignoring her doesn't make it go away... She already brought it up and I know it would keep me busy throughout the night... And when I sat upright in bed and looked at her, she just pissed me off for no apparent reason...

'What the fuck are you talking about?! Lots of people have bad dreams at night!'

'Yeah, but not like this...! You need help, Ceylan...! You always act as if it doesn't do anything to you but I know it does! And I know you don't like to talk about it but not talking about it isn't gonna solve anything! I'm just worried about you, you know... I just want you to be okay...'

'You think I need it?!! I don't want your goddamn pity nor do I need it!! Each and every time you want me to talk about it, I feel shitty about it because YOU bring it up!! Stop being so fucking nosey all the time, you stupid cunt!! I don't want your sympathy!! Is it really that difficult for you to understand?!! Goddamn it!! It's none of your goddamn business to know!!'

'You're breaking your own first rule without you knowing!'

'What fucking rule?!!'

'We always talk about it whenever something is bothering us... No secrets for each other...'

'You think it's is a secret?!! It's not a fucking secret; otherwise you wouldn't be bitching about it all the time!! STOP pretending that you care!! I fucking hate you!! You fucking cunt!! You stupid bitch!! Magai chinana kalavo bokulo!!'

I was this close to punch her in the face if she opened her mouth again... Real fucking hard... If she dared to try to bring it up again... I was so pissed off I started to swear in my own language... I'm not gonna tell you what it means because it's awful what I said... But sometimes, you're just so pissed off that you're not realizing of what you're doing... When you're so pissed off, you feel the adrenaline rushing throughout your body with so much intensity that it actually scares yourself because you wouldn't know what you'd be doing if you got pushed over the edge... But Sam stayed quiet after that... She didn't look at me after I freaked out at her like that... And after a couple of minutes of silence, the anger I felt slowly seeped away and made me return to reality... It seemed like a bad dream or something... One that I was about to wake up from... My fists were clenched and I could hit her any second if she tried to bring it up again... Sam was hurt deeply by everything I said to her... I calmed down the longer it stayed silent... And slowly, I realized what I did... And what I did was awful... She was hurt so deeply that the tears were going down her face... All that anger I felt was just gone... And that's when I started to cry... Sam was right, I broke my own first rule... "Never have secrets for each other... We always tell what's on our minds if we're gonna make this work..." But how was I supposed to...? I didn't even talk about it to the people who raised and love me, let alone an "outsider"... I looked at Samantha and saw she wiped her eyes and then looked straight back at me... She placed an arm around my shoulders and held me tight... And after a couple of moments, I placed my head on her stomach, firmly clenching her...

'Why are you so good to me, Sam...?'

'Because, you're my friend... And friends look after each other, right...?'

'I didn't mean it... I-I'm sorry, I was trippin'... I'm so sorry... I truly am...'

'It's okay...'

'Heh... Did you really mean it...?'

'Hm...?'

'Did you really mean it when you said that you're worried about me...?'

'Of course I did...'

'I don't know what's gotten in to me... It's just... I mean... Every day I wake up being angry or sad and I just don't know why... I try my best not to be and enjoy the things I have but it's just so difficult... I'm having these sleepless nights for as long as I can remember... And sometimes, I'm having nightmares...'

'About the war...?'

'Yeah... It's strange that it's the only thing I can remember...'

'Is it something in particular...?'

"Yes..." I took a deep breathe and stared into blank space... Was I gonna tell her everything...? No, not everything... I still didn't understand why she cared so much about me or why she wanted to help me so bad... But nevertheless, I told her about it when I was staring in blank space...

'The night that the rebel militias stormed the refugee camp... It happened so all of a sudden... I woke up by the sound of explosions and saw flashes of light through the thin tent canvas while I was on my stretcher... And then all hell broke loose... You heard people yelling and gunfire and there was just so much chaos...'

'Then what happened...?'

'My mother told me to hide under the stretcher once the rebel militias broke through the defences... Everything was just carefully planned... They weren't just guerrilla fighters, you know... They were trained soldiers and they even wore uniforms...'

'Were they all tigers, like you...?'

'No... They were all lions... It seemed as if they were only after tigers...'

'Hm-mm...'

'A couple of moments after I got under my stretcher, two soldiers entered the tent... My mother was crying and pleading to them but it came to an abrupt end when they just hit her to the ground... I saw her face when she looked at me... Her nose and her lips were bleeding and then she got carried away violently outside... I was crying quietly when I saw that happening... And then one of them turned around, got down on his knees and shined a bright flashlight in my face... He grabbed my hair and dragged me from underneath the stretcher and threw me on it... I managed to claw his face when he got close enough and I ran away as quickly as I could...'

'Then what...?'

'Once I got outside, I saw a couple of MNAF soldiers trying to hold their ground but they got overrun... I looked left and right and you saw people running everywhere... All of a sudden, I got picked and got thrown over a shoulder, dangling upside down... An MNAF soldier picked me up and followed other soldiers to a building because there was no other place for us to run. I heard that they managed to surround the camp... The MNAF soldiers tried to hold their ground but it didn't last long... And at some point, the militias entered the building and that's when I hid in a dark corner underneath a fallen desk... Others were trying to hide as well... They were found one by one and were forced to sit on the ground... About nine, or ten people... Another tigress girl who was hiding not too far from me was also found... And that's when one of them said that it was a waste of ammo... So they got out their machetes and knives... I saw it happening right in front of me... And that girl... I think she wasn't much older than I was at the time... One of them hit her on the back of her head with the butt of his rifle and she fell down on her stomach on the ground... Another one got on top of her and placed the sharp blade against her neck while he pulled her head back by her hair... Slowly, very slowly, he started to cut... The dark red blood was seeping down her neck as the slit he made became bigger and bigger... I saw that the tears were running down her face as she screamed in pain... But the yelling didn't last long... Her screams of pain quickly turned into gurgling and her neck squirted blood with each breathe she tried to take... Her face turned pale in no time as her eyes were slowly rolling upwards until they were white... He managed to separate her head from her body... And as her body fell forwards, a large puddle of blood was coming out... At that moment, I closed my eyes so that I didn't have to watch it anymore... Everyone who was sitting on the ground were butchered... And I wish I could just forget that it ever happened... I wished I never got carried to that building... But I was... I saw it happening... And I heard it... I heard everything... And I still do...'

I already felt the tears going down my face again... Once she felt my tears hitting her bare legs, she placed her hand on my head and gently started to caress my hair... I started to feel nauseous again... The longer she caressed my hair, the lesser that feeling became... I let out a deep sigh and wiped the tears away from my eyes... And it stayed silent for a long time... Slowly, I managed to calm down again when I felt that panic-like feeling, knowing that Sam was with me...

'So how'd you get out...?'

'I waited for a long time for them to leave... And when I thought it was safe, I crawled out from underneath my hiding place... But one of them was still there... And when he noticed me, I thought that my heart stopped beating... He grabbed me by my arm and violently pulled me over and I fell down on my stomach... When I wanted to crawl away from him, I received a tremendous blow on the back of my head... He stood in front of me and rolled me over with his boot on my back... I remember seeing the shiny tip of the sharp blade twinkling in the poorly illuminated room... And then all of a sudden... Someone jumped on him from the back... There was a fight going on as they moved away from me... My vision became weaker by the second... Sounds faded off... And the last thing I remember was a pistol shot...'

'Wow... So then what...?'

'I don't know how long I've been unconscious... But when I woke up, it was very quiet... And everything was very surreal to see... I couldn't see in the dark and my eyes had to get used to it... The ground felt wet and I knew that it was a puddle of blood I was lying in... I felt nauseous, dizzy and disoriented and had a difficult time to get out of the building... But once I did, I saw hundreds of dead bodies... Soldiers, rebel militias, women, children, elders... No one was spared... I saw smouldering incinerated corpses in a building that was set on fire... I saw people with missing limbs... Children being shot against the wall... Heh... And after a long time searching, I finally found her...'

'Who...?'

'My mother... She was dead...'

'Heh...'

'I fell asleep when I got down next to her... And several hours later, I woke up by the sound of loud engines, bright lights shining through the darkness and caterpillar tracks of tanks when the sun started to come up... Osirian troops arrived but they were too late... They found me and a few other survivors and... That's when I got taken away...'

'Wow...'

'So... Now you know what happened...'

'But... What happened to your father...?'

'I don't know... He and my little brother Sanjay were missing before my mother and I were being evacuated by the army... But chances are very slim that they're still alive...'

'How'd you manage to live with it for so many years...?'

What was I supposed to answer her...? I know how I was gonna make it through by having a lot of faith and to believe that everything happens for a reason. A reason that I had yet to discover at that age. I was going to make it by not drowning in self-pity and to enjoy the things I have now. But to the question how I managed to live with it...? I didn't know... With a lot of difficulty, I guess... What happened that night was a perfect example why I don't like to talk about it... To avoid people having pity and sympathy... I made that very clear to her... The reason why I don't want to tell my story is because people will ask questions about it... And right that very moment, when she asked me more questions, I stopped talking about the war and what it did to me... But instead, Sam asked me something I didn't expect after it stayed silent for a long time...

'Do you remember anything before the war...? Good memories...?'

'Hardly...'

'The house you lived in or... The neighbourhood or anything else...?'

'Heh... I do remember my mother had a beautiful small rose-garden in the backyard... She was very fond of it... My mother strictly forbid us to pick roses from her garden... Hehehehe... This one time, Sanjay accidently broke something, I can't remember what it was... But my mother was mad at him... And to make it up, Sanjay picked a rose from her garden... And when he showed it to her, hehehehe... She became even angrier than she already was... He was sent to his room while my mother, my father and I were in the backyard... And I still see his sad face, looking at us through the window... At some point, he wrote "sory" on a piece of paper with only one R and held it in front of the window... And well, after my mother saw that, he was allowed to come downstairs and she cuddled him...'

'Aww...'

'Hehehe... And my father... He had this hammock where he would lie down in during the warm summer evenings, enjoying a good book and a drink. Most of the times, I crawled in the hammock and cuddled him while he was reading me a story... Or sometimes, we just waited until nightfall and watched the stars together in that hammock, much to the annoyance of my mother who thought that little tigers are supposed to be in bed at one A.M... My father didn't take it so seriously...'

'Hehehe...'

'I can't really remember my brother Sanjay though... All I know was that he was always trying to be serious, as if he was acting like an adult or something... Or at least tried to be taken seriously... I was always the mischievous one... We had our fights of course, but that always got settled moments afterwards... Sometimes on rainy days, we took a mattress from the attic and slide down the stairs. I always made Sanjay sit up front so if anything happened, like hitting the wall opposite the stairs, I wouldn't be the one who was hurt. Hehehehehe... Still, I cared a lot for him despite our differences...'

'Hehe...'

'My parents were very strict but very loving and caring towards us... I can't remember my other relatives or friends or... Pretty much everyone else who was around us... Even though I can't remember, I miss them dearly... But I miss my parents the most... Those little shreds of memories that I still have left from my parents and my little brother seem to fade away as time goes on... All I have is a locket with a picture of my parents who gave it to me a long time ago for a reason I don't know... I think of them every day but I can't remember my mother's voice... I can't remember what my father's name was... I can't remember why Sanjay and I could get along with each other so well... I think of them every day but... No one can tell me stories about the time I was still a little cub... No one can tell me what my first word was... All I have left are vague memories, a locket and a diary... Reading my old diary is like reading a fictional book... It's difficult to imagine that Sanjay helped my mom by preparing Tabrizi in the kitchen and he accidently dropped the bowl of meat... It says right there on paper that I was there when it happened but I can't remember it... I've got nothing, Sam... There's not even a grave for me to visit whenever I need them...'

It stayed quiet after that while Sam kept caressing my hair... The tears were coming down my cheek once more... And then slowly, I got overrun with grief and sorrow... I cried for a long time on her lap until my eyes started to feel heavy... And when I closed my eyes, I held Samantha tight, clinging on to her how a little cub would cling on to its mother... I tried to stay awake for Sam, but that was very difficult... And that's how I cried myself to sleep that night on her lap... Knowing she'd be here whenever I needed her...