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Chapter 39: The Sweetest Silence

It seemed to Kilyan that the world north of the cliffs was a hidden paradise. It was a lush forest of palms, flowers, and vines, and from the great river that cut across the mainland, little rivers spread their fingers. Hidden lakes glistened in the moonlight when the group stopped in the evening to rest beside them, and Keeno would take up a stick and spear the fish that circled the shallows. They would sit around a fire as they cooked the fish, and Kilyan, after days of this travel, felt the content washing over him. It seemed for the first time since his last night in the summer village that everything, finally, was going to be okay. Still, though Kilyan tried to hide it, he would sometimes find himself gazing sadly at his daughter across the fire.

Wynn was still leaving him, after all. Just not for the jungle. With Avi at his side as they gathered for dinner, he would watch mistily as his daughter leaned her head upon the white fox's shoulder, as Sylas playfully fed her and they laughed together, as his daughter and the fox king suddenly shared a kiss. Kilyan had wanted so many times to take Sylas aside, to talk to him about Nontikmah, to tell the boy just how much he had cared about his mother. Nontikmah had been his friend and he had always wanted nothing but the best for her. He wanted Sylas to know that. But catching Sylas' blue gaze across the fire, Kilyan realized that the fox king already knew.

"Take care of my daughter," Kilyan told Sylas one night when they sat on watch together. "Or I'll come and find you, fox king or not."

Sylas laughed. "Yes, sir," he said, though unlike Inden, there was nothing doting and reverent in his tone but something brotherly and teasing. Kilyan had smiled: it was almost like sitting on patrol with Keeno.

They traveled for days down from the cliffs, through the forest, through the butterflies and bobbing fireflies, through the press of vines, beneath the glowing moon. And it was so serene a place, so beautiful. It gave Kilyan a warm, happy feeling to think the impossible had happened: they were all alive, they had all escaped, and they were going home. Home. And though Wynn was not coming home to stay, she had no idea how it pleased her father to hear her refer to the summer village as home.

"You think Mom will fit in at home?" Wynn had asked Kilyan, and just hearing that phrase finally from her mouth - "at home" - made his lips twist in a satisfied smile. For Kilyan had worried for years that he had failed to give Wynn a home, that he had failed to make her happy and as a result, had made her feel out of place. Hearing those words from her mouth confirmed the contrary.

"She'll fit in just fine, honey," Kilyan answered his daughter. "I'm sure the summer wolves would find her a useful ally the same way they welcomed Inden."

They had stopped to make camp, and Wynn had come to her father while Avi went off for a private moment. She had looked so worried, her brows rushing together as all the possible outcomes spun around in her mind should the summer wolves reject Avi. She gazed up at Kilyan in earnest, and he realized that even then - even after so many years and after everything that had recently happened - Wynn still seemed to believe that her father had all the answers, that he could fix anything, do anything, stop anything. He smiled down at her and touched her face. She was a child still. His child. She would always be his child.

"But what if they don't?" Wynn insisted. "What will you do then? Where will you go?" For it suddenly seemed to Wynn that there wasn't another tribe that would accept Kilyan and his family so long as it included Avi. Certainly not the winter wolves. Obviously not the sun wolves. And the lands beyond the sea were especially dangerous.

Kilyan was so glad that Avi was returning with him that he was convinced nothing so terrible could happen. Wanting to reassure Wynn, he shook his head and smiled as he knelt to pack a nest for himself and Avi. He could feel Wynn standing over him when she drew closer, could feel the worry emanating from her like a scent. Patting down the bed of leaves, Kilyan suddenly realized that Wynn had inherited this worry-wart trait from his father.

"You remember when you were a little girl and Uncle Keeno went with Zaldon and my father to the mountain village?"

Still standing over Kilyan, Wynn nodded darkly. "And Cousin Enya was almost stoned," she said grimly. "She had to go away because she wouldn't follow the traditions. Just like Zaldon . . . and Grandfather."

"Mm hmm," said Kilyan as he worked. "But as a result of that, Wynn, a certain mountain wolf found an opportunity to make a change. It's a different place while Talib is king. If things don't work out when we get home . . ." Kilyan passed and heaved a sigh as he stared into the trees. "I'll have to take your mother and the family there. It's probably the last place on earth we could go . . ." He said the last part to himself, then realizing how weary he sounded, he smiled again for Wynn's benefit and went back to packing the nest.

Wynn's mind wasn't eased. If anything, she was twice as worried now. "If things look badly, you'll come with us," she said firmly.

Kilyan looked up and was touched by the resolve in his daughter's pretty face: Wynn was determined to take care of her parents, to take care of her little brother and her mothers. It made him proud and pleased and amused all at once. He shook his head again and said, "But, Wynn . . . only immortals can go to that place. You know that, honey."

Wynn bit her lip. "I d-don't care! I'll make you all immortal --!"

"Wynn!" Kilyan cried, saddened by this sudden burst of emotion.

Wynn clenched her fists. "I don't want anything to happen to you!"

Kilyan looked at his daughter and suddenly understood her furious resolve to protect: she had seen a childhood friend murdered and had been helpless to stop it. She had witnessed her mother walking the streets in chains, blood on her face as she was spit upon. She probably felt helpless and angry and miserable all at once. Kilyan looked at his daughter sadly: he knew how that felt. Wynn knew nothing of Lea's abduction and rape so many years ago, but watching such a thing happen to a girl he had loved from infancy was what finally hardened Kilyan's heart against the world. Seeing Lea - who was so pure and innocent even now - torn up, beaten, and raped had turned Kilyan's heart. Now it was happening to his daughter. But, god, he didn't want that to happen.

Stepping closer to Wynn, Kilyan touched her face and made her look at him. Oh, baby, don't cry, he thought when tears welled up in those green eyes so like his own. "Wynn," Kilyan said, "I want you to - to be something more than what the world will try to make of you. You are going to be a fox queen! I need you to go on being like your mother, I need you trust that wolves are good and that the world can change because believing that is the only thing that will sustain you as queen. Believe in wolves, honey. Believe in their goodness because I love that about you - and I love that about your mother." He glanced past Wynn and saw Avi approaching from the trees, looking anxious that Wynn was crying.

"Avi find freshwater," Avi announced to the camp, but her eyes remained fixed on Kilyan and Wynn's whispered conversation.

The others were some feet away. Hearing Avi, Keeno called that he would check it out later. Sylas was fishing with him at the moment. Both males stood in the shallows hurling sticks at the water. Keeno, a veteran now at the craft, speared the most fish and laughed boyishly when Sylas cursed at this. "Best two out of three?" Keeno teased, and they both hurled again, laughing and bickering together as they continued their friendly competition.

Elele, meanwhile, was asleep. She had gathered leaves into a nest and gone at once to bed, complaining that she had never walked so far in her life. But they all knew that, in reality, Elele was mourning Eleu. She lay curled in the leaves and flower petals she had collected while Inden sat nearby on a rock, watching Keeno and Sylas' contest and laughing with them.

"Now put on that pretty smile you got from your mother," Kilyan whispered as Avi approached, "and make the world a better place, and remember that I love you."

Kilyan was pleased when Wynn smiled. He kissed her on the forehead and watched as she went to Inden and sat on the rock at his side. He went back to patting the nest when Avi had at last drawn near.

"What that about?" Avi asked, tilting her head suspiciously at Kilyan. "Is Wynn okay?" Her dark eyes clouded with worry.

Kilyan smiled to himself: all these years and Avi still could not speak the common tongue correctly. "She's fine," Kilyan assured her. "Just a little worried. But then again, she was born from us." He laughed hollowly.

Avi wasn't comforted by Kilyan's words, but knowing she should not press the matter, she changed the subject. "Is Kilyan thirsty?"

"Not for freshwater," was the playful answer.

Avi laughed. "Come. We talk." She offered her paw.

Kilyan stood, and when he took that little paw, he knew that anything they talked about would not be good. How many times had Ohana said to him back home that they were going to talk? And he would follow her wearily into the their bedroom, where Lea was waiting to join in the conversation - which was, in reality, not a conversation but a lecture about all the things Kilyan needed to do to make his wives happy.

"Would you like me to cut my tail off too?" Kilyan had once teased, interrupting Lea as she listed his filthy habits. "You already cut off my dick."

Lea and Ohana had laughed at the joke, but the lecturing had gone on. Kilyan had left his spear standing against the wall instead of in the rack and it had knocked the dishes over and a shelf clear off the wall. Kilyan had done this. Kilyan had done that. And sitting there receiving the motherly scolding, Kilyan day-dreamed of putting his dick in those chattering mouths to silence them if not for one second.

But as Avi led Kilyan away from the camp, he knew they were not going to talk about some trivial matter. Avi wasn't going to detail the kind of food she wanted prepared at their wedding and she wasn't going to complain about his snoring. She wanted to talk about something grave. Or maybe if he got lucky, she didn't really want to talk about anything at all.

The truth of the matter was, Kilyan had been avoiding a private conversation with Avi for days now. He had guessed by now that Raxa had been his son, had therefore concluded what had happened to his son, and he didn't want to talk about it. Two children born to him, two children murdered. It was enough to make him sick. So every time Avi looked at him with dark eyes on the verge of some confession, he kissed her rapidly and without pause and soon had her gasping and twisting under him as the bushes rocked. He would rather block it out. He would rather never know what Raxa had looked like. It was easier that way.

But Avi seemed determined not to make it easy for Kilyan. He supposed he was being selfish: how easy had it been for her to endure the past six years? Still, he did not want to talk about Raxa. Flashes of Nontikmah smothering Melomiel cut across his eyes as Avi led him through the trees by his paw. Nontikmah singing. Melomiel choking and kicking. Sylas' roars of disbelief, anger, despair, rage when he walked in on the terrible scene.

"I was supposed to be getting apples," Sylas told Kilyan one night on watch. "For whatever stupid reason, Mom always loved apples, especially those ones over by the winged warrior village. So I went out to get her some. I came back for something. I think I was gonna ask if she didn't want to bring Melomiel and we could all go. That's when I saw her."

Kilyan had not initiated the conversation, had hoped, in fact, to remain silent as they sat on watch. But Sylas seemed as if he needed someone - not someone to talk with, just someone to listen. Kilyan had sat there, wishing that Sylas had chosen Wynn for this dismal burden. Having to hear about his child's murder was more than cutting. The longer Sylas talked, the tighter Kilyan's lips, until he abruptly told the boy to be silent.

Sylas seemed to understand it when Kilyan dropped his head forward and pinched the flesh between his eyes.

"I'm sorry, sir," the fox king whispered sadly after a pause. "I just wanted you to understand why I threw her out. I - sometimes I think it's my fault she died. If I had just let her explain, if I hadn't thrown her out to die on her own . . ."

Kilyan looked around at Sylas. The glowing white fox was staring darkly at the grass between his feet. He looked up when Kilyan squeezed his shoulder.

"No, son," Kilyan had said, "you're the last one responsible for what happened."

"Kilyan quiet," Avi said, dragging Kilyan from his meditations.

He shrugged dismally as they moved side by side through the trees. "Just . . . thinking."

"Regretting," Avi guessed. "Worrying. Hoping Avi doesn't make Kilyan talk, hoping Avi doesn't force Kilyan to feel what Avi felt when they break Raxa neck."

"Something like that," Kilyan admitted miserably.

They came to the stream of freshwater at last, and Avi turned to face Kilyan. Her expression was somber when she said, "Kilyan have no reason to worry. Kilyan could never feel what Avi felt because Kilyan never held Raxa, never kissed Raxa or smelled him or played with him. Kilyan never knew Raxa except as a name. Avi knew him as her baby."

That said, Avi squatted near the water and started to bathe. She rubbed the fresh, cool water over her cock and between her legs, smoothed it down her arms and rubbed it into her neck. Tossing back her mane, she poured more over her face, then drank a pawful.

Kilyan stood there watching and stifled a hard-on. "So what'd you want to talk about then?"

"Avi have same worry as Wynn."

"You heard us talking . . .?"

"Avi guess."

"There's nothing to worry about," Kilyan assured her. He squatted behind Avi, his hard thighs open around hers, his rippling belly hard against her slender back. Scooping up water, he smoothed it over Avi's cock, massaging his fingers against its softness. His fingers slipped under, and he touched her pussy lips, pinching and massaging as she squirmed against him.

"Kilyan just saying that . . . but there is reason to worry."

"Avi . . ." Kilyan said slowly. His fingers slowed their massaging, touching Avi between her thighs almost absently.

Sensing that Kilyan was on the verge of a confession, Avi went very still.

"What you don't know . . . What I've been avoiding wasn't just talking about Raxa. Nontikmah had my child."

Avi twisted around and stared at Kilyan. Her gaze was so intense, Kilyan had to look away.

"Wynn say Nontikmah dead," Avi said, studying Kilyan.

Looking back at Avi, Kilyan realized that Wynn had brought her mother up to date but had left out the hardest parts for Kilyan to tell. He half-wished she hadn't. He could see in Avi's face that she was already guessing why Nontikmah had died. Somehow, she knew it was because of Kilyan and Nontikmah's child and its apparent death.

"So Kilyan lose two children," Avi said, watching her lover sadly. She turned to him and wrapped her arms around his neck. Kilyan closed his eyes, bowing his head until their foreheads touched. He felt Avi kiss his check and smiled at this little comfort.

"His name was Melomiel," Kilyan said, his voice low against the trickling water in the stream. "Melomiel and Raxa, my lost boys." He looked up. "What made you think of Raxa? It's a nice name."

"Raxaras the name of my mother mate," Avi answered. "Avi other mother. Died when Avi very young. Roriana . . . never same."

Kilyan closed his eyes again, squeezing them as if against the sadness in Avi's voice. "Avi, I can't begin to tell you how sorry I am."

"Avi insisted on returning to jungle," Avi said in a voice that was gently scolding. "Kilyan can't blame himself for everything. Avi must take responsibility for her actions --"

"Responsibility," said Kilyan, suddenly angry. "It was be_cause_ of your responsibilities that you returned!"

"Kilyan could have come for Avi!" Avi returned, looking up at Kilyan with blazing eyes. "For years, Avi wait, thinking that maybe Kilyan would come! But Kilyan never come! Eventually, Avi accept it. Avi didn't want Kilyan in danger anyway."

Kilyan looked at her sadly. "I wanted to come. I was just so afraid --" He halted, as if he was too ashamed to finish.

Avi's eyes searched his face, and like Wynn, it seemed incredulous to her that Kilyan could really be afraid of anything. "What had Kilyan to fear?" she pressed gently.

"Your rejection," was the low reply. "Every minute I asked you, every minute you said no." He let Avi go and stood, wandering off a little. Avi remained squatting behind him when he stopped and spoke again, his back to her, "After that night you left, I spent every night after thinking of things I could have said, things I could have done to make you stay. I hated having to live without you, Avi. I hated that Wynn had to grow up without her mother. Lea and Ohana were good to her, but they're not you. And I could see it in her eyes everyday, that resentment, that bitterness because I could not make her mother stay.

"There were times when I thought she hated me the way you did." Kilyan laughed. "But then I would come home from patrol and she'd come running out of the house and knock me down. Lea and Ohana would laugh as she put kisses all over my face. Then I would ride her around on my shoulders. It didn't matter that it had been a long day. It didn't matter that I was bone-tired. I was never too tired for Wynn.

"She never asked to come see you, but I knew she wanted to. And even though I knew it . . . I was just so scared. Scared that she would leave me the way you did. Scared that I would lose you both. Once I got a hold of Wynn, I vowed to myself that I would never let her get far from my protecting arms. And for the first time in my life, I understood my father's mother-smothering." Thinking of Kel, Kilyan blinked and laughed again. "He was protective of me to a humiliating level. I was a grown-ass male," he said, glancing over his shoulder at Avi, "but he wouldn't even let me work on forest patrol. I couldn't understand his terror. I had been protective of Roan and Zane, sure, but not to that fanatical point. Then Wynn came into my life . . . and my terror knew no bounds."

Still squatting near the stream, Avi laughed. "Kilyan such a good father. Avi proud."

Kilyan came to her and they kissed. "And you're a good mother," he said, pulling Avi into his arms. He ran his paw sadly over the stumps on her back. "You suffered for so long, pretending that Wynn was dead. You chose to stay there rather than escape and lead them to us. I swear, I'm in love with three of the bravest, strongest females I'll ever know." He closed his eyes and squeezed Avi tightly. His lips brushed her ear as he whispered into it, "I love you, Avi."

Avi shivered in Kilyan's embrace, as if she had been waiting to hear those words for six years. "Avi love Kilyan. From very start, she did."

They looked at each other and smiled.

Kilyan laughed as if something had just occurred to him.

"What?"

"I didn't want to talk, but I've done all the talking."

Avi only smiled at Kilyan, and looking into her eyes, he realized she had brought him here just for that reason. She had sensed it, his need for a pair of intent ears and a closed mouth, and she had drawn him off to some private place so that he might let those feelings out. Grateful to her, Kilyan pulled Avi down to the grass with him. He kissed her warm on the mouth, and they held each other beside the stream, held each other and shared the happiest of silences.