FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

CW: Transphobia Depictions, Transphobic Rehtroic, Violence

-Alright sunshine, you can kip when we get back to mine.

I wake up after this terrible ordeal to the tones of my dear friends! Baz, Gaz and Jade were all here, a huge comfort after what I just went through! I explain to them what happened, about how some Golden Bug bit my face and I had just woken up from it all.

-Really? I don't see any marks. Comments Gaz.

I feel on my throat and around my back and he was right, no evidence that a bite had taken place! No evidence to believe my story, what bad luck. No no no, like it was talking shite, just wanted to feel like a big man probably all that shit about luck and the like couldn't be true right? I thought to myself, let's just forget this nastiness and get my dress! I stroll into the store determined not to let this ruin my night, which was still gonna be GREAT!

-I'm sorry, someone just came in and brought it before you came in. The store clerk tells me.

What? Noooooo, no no no. What bad lu- ...Now now Feigh, I thought to myself; We're not gonna indulge that Bug's ramblings. It was inevitable when I left it out for so long that this would happen! Least we can find a replacement in the same store. But just as that thought had left my mind, I feel a torrential shower descend from above as blistering sirens fill the store.

-EVERYONE REMAIN CALM, FORM A SINGLE FILE AND EVACUATE IMMEDIATELY! The store clerk commanded.

Well that was that and if you could believe it, all other clothing stores in Colchester had a unique failure befalling them, leaving places that would rather cut out their own eyes, then sell a dress in my size. A spike of anxiety started to travel up my back. Oh no, everything the bug said was true, maybe even worse. It wasn't just that my good luck was gone, returning to a basic amount of luck, but even that was gone too. Like I was in the red, in debt to fortune itself. I admit I was hyperventilating at this point and not just cos I had a shower of cold water rain on me... Well maybe that too.

I decide to just ask everyone if we can go home now, well back to Gaz's. Thankfully they could sense my distress and agreed to just turn in now and get ready for tonight. When we arrive back at the car park however:

-Aaarrgghh fucking thing! Now of all times!?

Calamity strikes again as Gaz car inexplicitly just shits itself. Of course it does, the anxiety shoots itself back up my spine, twice fold. We would all have to just get the bus back, hey at least I had that scratch card money right? It seems as if fortune bestowed before it was wrested away gets to remain with me I guess.

We all stand together on the bus back, of course we hit bad luck and the bus is packed of course, as we ride back in a weird lull. Everyone could feel it in the air that something awful loomed around us, well around me, and sadly as my satellites they might incur this misfortune too. If anything out there was keeping tabs on my fortune debt then they were keen on cashing it as soon as possible.

We see a Human, in a ragged parka, faded footie shirt and holding a can of brew of the special variety, looking our way. As a Monster and especially as one who's a trans woman you know that it's already over, there is no diffusing the situation, it's a matter of when does our existence become too much for this Human to tolerate and he's gonna do everything to remedy this coexistence.

-Hey, yo-

Actually you know what? It's not gonna do me no good repeating what he said, less you to hear it. But you know what he said, what he said about me, about my gender, about Monsters, about what he reckons we do to kids and what They oughta' do about us. Like you know, if you're reading this, you can recite it from memory despite never having heard it.

We just had to sit there and endure it, With Baz and Gaz giving it the occasional "Oi leave it out" which seemed to just intensify his abuse. Of cos of course none of the Humans who shared the bus with us was gonna do anything about it. They don't disagree with him of course, this silence is a result of unquestionable solidarity with the guy, even if they give it the "Well he's just being unruly" 50 years after this incident. Jade whispers to me that any time now something horrible will happen to this guy, it always does usually! Maybe she was hoping to subvert what we already deep down knew by speaking it aloud in some way.

But the journey continued without incident, he was unharmed, no misfortune befell him, this is when I knew without a doubt that my luck was gone. No, not just gone, Stolen, Taken and ripped from me with no regard with how it was the only thing keeping me safe from the very thing I was now experiencing. At the next stop I just try and gun it out and hope the others follow me, he grabs my shirt and I just fall flat on my face. He laughs, each guffaw cutting me to my core, I was so vulnerable, force to live in this Humane World that nurtures Humans like this and leaves them to hunt and seek us out and act like turning the other way isn't aggression of the most violent kind. The bus driver doesn't even look me in the eye as I flee. We all walked the rest of the way home, me holding together my ripped shirt the entire time. The world feeling so much larger now, not like expansive, but that suddenly every nook and cranny felt like a vantage point someone could take advantage off. We were the silent the entire way.

Finally, getting back to mine, cos it was the closest place we could go, the misfortune continues, but to a lesser extent. Less global transphobia and more the kitchen was flooded kind of "Oh for fucks saaaaake." Me da' explained that the freezer and fridge, the literal machines made to be enterally wet and cold, had somehow both caught fire ad all the food and alcohol was ruined. We retreated to the table in the back garden, sober and hungry as fuck, the awkward silence weighing us all down like a blanket. I felt so lethargic, somehow the energy to muster even small talk felt like it'd put any one of us to sleep. We just wanted to ride this out, like maybe waiting would be our salvation, I mean in my defence it had been for our lives until literally a few hours ago. Even staying idle somehow the calamity came to us, getting bit by midgies and stung by wasps no less than 10 times, just sitting there mind! Shit flying into our mouths, maybe literal shit as the stench of the sewers somehow came to say hello, all the little annoyances just coming in three's at once, misfortune found a way to punish us for just... Sitting in the garden. Incredible.

Tho eventually I did muster the energy to get dressed for tonight, put on my purple crop and vinyl skirt. Just wanted to stay subtle for tonight, I've been left feeling so exposed, I guess. No, no, no, I thought I can't let these people win! I tried to skip and hop to the table and get everyone in the mood, we're not gonna let this ruin our night. We'll get tankered at the venue, get some chips on the way, no biggie!

So we start to walk our way to the venue, we didn't know that every bus in the city had collectively blown out their engines, we just assumed! See? We can adapt, I thought to myself, it's gonna be chill. But well, we didn't even dare to think that our misfortune itself could adapt, because the buses are out? Well, who else needed a bus to get around this very afternoon?

At the bus stop just outside The Rec, there we were again, I sigh deeply but nah nah nah. Fuck this old tattered rag of a man, we were gonna walk past him and whatever it may bring will be fine, we'll live, we'll have a great night out, and he'll be stuck here wanking to himself or whatever. I didn't even wait for him to open his shithole, I start blowing him some smoke immediately.

-Yeah? You gonna call me Tranny or something? You pissed you can't hurt this hot as fuck woman, thriving, while you have to fuck off with your shrivelled stinky dick by yourself cos no one knows who the fuck you are? We're gonna walk by you and you're not gonna do shit, right gang?

I know what you're thinking: Bit mouthy for someone in mortal peril, but that's growing up in Essex innit? You just front pile your problems with sheer aggression and it usually works out. Besides it's us 4 against this 1 'Sapian, like it'll be fine as long as my friends back me up. I look over my shoulder expecting the solidarity of my friends, my dear companions who I've loved and kept close to my heart all these years.

But what I saw was all three of them, slowly walking back away from me. That look in their eyes, I didn't even need it confirming. They wern't my friends anymore, just like them people on the bus, there's just 3 Humans standing there, 3 Humans who were about to let everything that was going to unfold, happen to me. They were happy to be friends with a Monster and a trans woman, when they felt like that Trans Monster was invincible, and they could ride her coattails. Now I ask for something from them, now my luck has run out... I felt so stupid for seeing them as anything other than the 3 Humans they were. I see that now, but I saw it too late, I'm all alone, or perhaps I always was.

I was so absorbed in this I didn't even notice the Human lerch to strike me in the back of the head. I feel to the tarmac as he kicked me in the ribs again and again, I can't even make out what he's screaming, but you almost don't have to. Again, those of us who know could recite it from memory anyhow. But a new sensation overcame me at this moment, what is this? Pain? Honest to god pain? It had occurred me this was the first time I ever truly felt it, my luck had always shielded me from ever feeling this sensation. From bypassing any accident to being able to pull our tag nails flawlessly every time from my fingers. The context of my dire situation hadn't even connected, it was just a force and a feeling, that had now been introduced to my reality. I bellow out a cry, of agony? Of disbelief, this isn't supposed to happen to ME, I'm supposed to be protected from THIS. It CANNOT be happening, there's no way.

Something primal awakens, instincts that have laid dormant, shuffling the cobwebs off of them for the first time, as I dig my claws into the cement and orient my hind paws. Then I just... Run, there used to be things to run away FROM that I never would've dreamed of leaving, but what was there left now? Nothing, there's no reason not to run. I had always showed of my Monsterhood as a form of power, but I never had to really feel it before, it was a coat to wear not something in your soul. But right now I felt it, in the muscles that were seeing their use for the first time, as the world flew past me as speeds I never felt before. I'm a Monster, the first time it meant something outside of showing off my fluffly paws or tails to gawkers in a club.

I belt down Military Road in seconds, knocking down bins and crashing into fences on the way, again reminder: Not really used to going this fast you know! I eventually make it to Saint Botolph's in a relative single piece. I slow down and walk down the underground crossing, into the middle of the round-a-bout. It is thankful empty, but I am exhausted, every muscle I just used is pranging man. I find a spot in the flowers hidden and just lay down, maybe I'll rest my eyes a bit I think, ignoring years and years of cartoons laying out in particular why you don't do that. The expected outcome occurs.

---

It was kind of a nice nap you know? Reminds me of falling asleep at family picnics at castle park as a wee girl, just that smell of nature all around you a feeling of using Gaia's bounty, if you wanna be like colourful about it. I still ached like no one's business, but I felt like I could exist and plan my next move at least. It was sunset now, christ I must've been passed out an hour at least! Whatever the notion of enjoying a night our or doing a gig felt like a distant memory, just wanted to live and survive at this rate.

I ooooohhhh big stretch as I reveal myself from the bed of flowers I had hidden myself in. I walk on over to the footpath, intending to head into town. Of course, I'd have to pass through what is colloquially known as "The Brew that is Special lot" sitting in this vista. But they weren't usually aggressive none if you left them alone, can typically walk by without incident. That is unless that guy I was running away from was of their number, unless he's there right now and especially unless he was there with two members of the HHA, the Huntsman Humanist Association: A group of terrorists that hunt Monsters under the excuse of "Protecting Humane interests and values." Feigh used to be blessed by luck, the HHA were protected by Government approval and plausible deniability.

I mean, UNLESS I was so unlucky that all of this happened at once as I lifted myself from the flower bed, then I'd be fine.... I don't have to spoon-feed you on this next bit, right? Like you just assuming, right?

-There she is, the one who threatened me for no reason! The Human Hater!!! The Human who has been trying to hate-crime me to death for the last 3 hours, screamed, also really emphasising the "She" there to pretend "All my best friends are trans" actually, the kind of she that is somehow still misgendering.

But I don't even give time to process the threat, I go on all fours again and bolt it, as what is unmistakably rounds from a rifle whiz past my head. I guess in the absence of luck, you just have to be That Good on instinct, I was thanking Gaia I somehow had access to y'know, skill in general.

While this is the pace that lets you outrun a little drunk fascists white boy, Huntsman not so much, as they were able to take shortcuts and utilise the architecture of the town or keep pace with me, all the way up till Balkerne Hill Bridge. A fuck off long bridge that dangles over a highway. I hated crossing this thing at a casual pace, let alone at these speeds, I slow down to cross the the thing on my hind legs, hanging on to the railings. As I get to the middle I allow myself to look up and ready to meet me on the other side were more Huntsman, perhaps predicting I'd come this way. I don't need to turn around as I hear the other two who were chasing me catch up behind me.

I'm in open space tho, surely they can't just let this happen, not even Humans right? Well this is when I catch on that the only witnesses were Police Officers, who if they wern't turning away Humans who might posses even a microcosm of empathy, were covering their eyes and yelling things like "I can't see anything, you go about your businesses ssiiiirrr." They were gonna let this happen and worse it was going to be legal.

I don't even wanna get into the despair that ran up my body at this point, I just try to replay a pleasant memory in my head again and again as I waited for the inevitable. But what memories? The memories of my friends who cast me away when they couldn't siphon my luck? Every good memory felt like shit now and even her family, how did I know they didn't tolerate me in the same way ever since coming out? They had in a few hours, striped me of everything, not even a memory to hang on to. All I could do was grasp my good luck charm, I grasped it so tight that even that shattered into pieces.

But even then, from the charm, there was a feeling, a familiar one. No, could it actually be... Well what else was I gonna try in this moment? It was gamble on this unlikely thing or die. I choose to die on the die itself. I hoisted myself onto the railing and let myself fall, I threw the die.

...

I never could picture a situation where breaking my arm and shattered my already fucked ribs even further could be considered "The Good Ending" but hey, here we are! Just at that moment by a sheer stroke of luck, a coach was passing by as I fell, a tall-ass coach too, probably carrying OAPs to Clacton for a tribute act or something. The coach had slowed down because something was up with the engine and they had to slow down to perhaps make an emergency stop to fix the problem. But the impact of my fall managed to fix whatever was wrong with the engine and the coach continued on it's way, with me clawing onto the top and letting it take me away from the scene. Like yeah I were absolutely fucked man, but also very much alive. A last parting blessing from Jade, from when Times Were Good, it had saved my ass when I needed it too. Mixed emotions to say the least!

It could feel the velocity of the air rush through my fur as the coach continued it's journey, it was a strange comfort in this situation. But I could also feel the surge of fortune leave my person slowly, after this Coach was finished taking me where I needed to go then I was on my own again. I had to act fast, it's clear this misfortune thing doesn't apply itself to it's victims in one swoop but builds up over time to it's apex. Even no luck right now is a blessing and I had to get to safety before the misfortune returned.

The coach was still picking up passengers before making the stretch to the coast however and I noticed it go down Brainswick, an ungodly labyrinth of houses where, let's not sugar coat it; people go to die, well not before seeing one last tribute show of one of 3 bands they can still remember of course! I slid of the roof and just wondered around, looking for something, anything, to alleviate my situation. I dunno maybe some relative I forgot about lives here? But no luck of course.

But, by fortune I have since come to understand was not my own, I saw a Monster walking their elderly relative back to their house from... Their car! Oh my god! Yes!!!! After she had dropped her nan or whatever off, I approached the Monster. She was a hare, wearing a grey coat with a fluffy collar, covered head to toe in scars and was walking on a prosthetic leg. She noticed me walking to her immediately.

-Oh my god, hello? You just looked like you walked out of hell, are you alright? She asked me.

I tried to give an abridged version of what i've been through, leaving out the Luck bit of course cos like... I do not have the time to open that can of worms right now. She nods and asks me to get in her car. We do up our seat belts and she introduces herself.

-Right my name is Carly and yes I can help, but I'm not from Essex, I'm from north like, the Midlands. If you don't mind the trip and uh, considering I think you'd be cool about being miles from here. Then we can go to mine now.

-Yeah, oh god yeah that sounds mint, please let's go. I reply.

-God I'm only here for a few minutes and I'm helping a refuge, I told my nana it's rough here and she oughta' move out! Carly continues.

-Oh it's not so bad here. I retort. It's usual lovely, it's just... Been a bad day.

-Well somehow whenever I'm here it's everyone's bad day. When is the good in Essex exactly?

I just laugh to myself, oh people not from the south don't get it. Though I would later find out living in the Midlands for a bit like... Nah she's right it's quite fucked up growing up here, normal people don't live with the constant threat of violence from walking down the street. But y'know... It's home innit?

Carly starts driving off out of town, I glance at the "Welcome to Colchester" sign with great sadness. I knew somehow my little town, this might be the last time I'd be seeing it as Someone Who Lives there. I guess I grew up and the town just spat me out. It's probably for the best anyhow, I mean the rent for starters, hooooooooo. But god these car seats felt like massage chairs after everything I had been through today, to sit and take in the view of the highways was like a dream. Carly informed me of where in the Midlands we were going to: Newark. I had no idea what a Newark even was, but good as place as any to start my new life. It was kind of exciting really, I thought it'd be a another decade till I was moving out from my folks y'know? Not like... Great circumstances, but exciting none the less.

But during that car ride it did kind of hit me, I took it all for granted. I was invincible truly, but I thought I was just a little lucky, I didn't realise just how much I was tip towing on a needle end this entire time. I felt stupid, I was so naive, I had placed my whole bet on carrying on with the solidarity I had inherited from my Human life, instead of tasking the risk of exploring community with my fellow Monster. I never once went to a meet you know? Or applied for any art collective or performance groups for Monsters. As if it as beneath me, I wanted to succeed just as a Human could, in their house, as if it was more valuable somehow? Well look how that turned out, so fucking stupid.

So please take my story as a cautionary one, if you think you're above your community too, cos hey your Humans are nice to you, you're the good minority! Well take it from me, your luck can always: run out. You are one bad day away from the gutter you feel so elevated from on their time.

That'd be a cool way to end the story innit? Like a real punchy stinger to end it. But the stories not over yet. Yeah, of course it's not! You think I'm just gonna be like: "Tiddley Dee, shame about that luck!" Oh no, no, no. I'm gonna find that fucker and get what's mine back! Do i? Well... I dunno it's not happened yet. But stick with me and I'm sure I can grab a happy ending from that creepy crawlies cold dead hands.

• Feigh xxx