FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

You stood at the edge of a cliff, your slitted pupils glaring down at the crashing waves below as vibrant gold and blue scales glittered under an evening sun. The tip of your forked tongue whipped against a salty breeze as you curled into a worn, torn, and patched leather jacket. I thought to myself that you needed me then, to stand by your side so you'd finally stop your shivering, but I found it impossible to move. How desperately I wanted to hold your hand and tell you that everything would be alright.

I was captivated by the silhouette of your body and the strength of your soul. You held your head high in defiance to the sky even as you struggled to hold yourself upright on your one remaining leg. There was an elegant grace to your movements and lack thereof, and so you dredged up the memories of better times.

A mile south of us was Haven Point, formerly an air base, now abandoned and derelict. You thought you'd come alone, today, on the anniversary of our death, to reminisce and pass on.

The barracks and hangar lay in ruin; the control tower had steadily acquiesced to time's encroaching tide. Our runway was cracked, cratered, scorched, and on it your fighter - barely the same flaming wreck that I pulled you out of. A heap of scrap, oxidized and twisted and worn beyond recognition.

When I placed my hand on it I felt the inferno that'd engulfed it. When I walked around it I found you, defeated, alone. You were on your hands and knee. You'd thrown your crutches to the wind in rage. You hated the tears that now ran for miles but couldn't find the strength to stop them either.

You saw me and you screamed as your heart was wrenched from its chest and laid bare for the world to see. I shouldn't have approached you. I should have let you be. But I guess I still had a conscience, enough so that I wanted to comfort you.

You're okay, my flightless bird. Brave the storm.

We were miles out at the edge of the world, out of sight and out of mind. No roads led to our shuttered gates; no maps broadcast Haven Point's existence. It was our perfect base of operations. Everyone here had felt so safe.

Dead, buried, and forgotten had you not come along. For this, I thanked you. For this, I loved you.

What thoughts ran through your head when you first laid eyes on me? What did you see beneath the cold smile, the cloudy eyes, the scorched fur?

I saw a radio - I heard music. I'd put my lips to a microphone and announced a pleasant good morning for the whole base. I readied the tracks that you would all listen to as you trained and drilled on the skies above. I sat with Haven Point's self-proclaimed chef and helped him hash out some new meals for the crew. I walked with Lily down to the end of the runway and listened as she nervously contemplated professing her love for you. I watched your jets take off and counted out the silhouettes against the sky when you came in for a landing. I stared up at the sky as stars twinkled overhead and mused on just how lucky I was to have you all in my life.

What did you see in me?

Come on, girl. Let's go for a walk. You don't need to see all this. You've lived that memory enough as it is.

Your voice was harsh against your throat. Time had not been kind to you - you had not been kind to yourself.

The uneven terrain made me want to reach out and hold your hand, but you wouldn't have accepted it even if I could have. At that I smiled wide and had to turn my head when you asked me what'd been so funny. I just shrugged my shoulders and motioned for you to carry on. I wanted to hear you talk. I wanted to hear your voice.

You spoke to me about the days before that night. You talked to me about how the four of us would all get together in the barracks to drink and sing till the sun came up. It's been years since those days - you haven't touched a bottle in all that time.

You told me about your leg; you never got used to it. It felt as if something should have been there. Long into the cold hours of the night you'd often feel an itch that shouldn't be there. On the best days you'd forget about it entirely, but on the worst of them it was your painful reminder of a life long lost.

Sometimes, if you were lucky enough, you dreamed about your wings, so unceremoniously ripped from your body. You were up there in the clouds, Lily forming up the front while Sebastian came up on your flank. You could still feel the rumbling of an engine and the cold touch of your fingers as they brushed against the controls. The plane was an extension of your body. The panels, the buttons, the mirrors - it was all there, so vivid and real that you swore you were actually flying again.

For a few brief moments, the wind, the roaring of engines, the subtle and intense pull of gravity, the rush of your blood... Everything was alright.

"And then," you said to me as your voice wavered and tears welled up in your eyes, "it turns into a fucking nightmare."

There's a hole in your fuselage leaking fuel, the wings are shot to hell. Your F-4 is barely responding to commands. Sebastian... where's Sebastian? Lily won't answer your calls but you see her forming up the front; her plane is smothered in billowing black smoke. She's losing altitude. You scream at her - wake up! You scream but it falls on deaf ears as her right wing is shredded in the blink of an eye by a hellfire of tracer rounds.

The night sky lights up with floodlights and the booming roar of anti-aircraft guns trying to protect you but you know it won't be enough. Fighter on your rear, barely a dot in the sky. You're going to die - you don't want to die. God, help me.

Sometimes you wake up and you can still hear the exact moment jet fuel ignited into hell itself.

You stand still now, your arms awkwardly hugged tight to your chest while you lean on one of the crutches for support. Eyes to the ground, you don't want to look at me.

Hey, I know it's hard. What happened after... what happened to me was not your fault.

Air raid sirens, explosions, and confused orders being shouted out in every direction. We were rudderless and leaderless, all scrambling to find out just what the hell was going on. I ran for your plane the moment you crashed into the runway, even as the bombs began to drop.

I've had plenty of time to live with my decision and I know that I made the right call. Dragging you out of that plane was the single most important action I took in my life.

I wanted to tell you that so badly. It pained me to see you like this. All I could do was force you to look at me.

Look at me. Look at my smile. I made peace with what happened a long time ago. I did not blame you for what happened to me, so please don't blame yourself either.

You don't deserve the pain. You've suffered enough.

"I'm sorry," you muttered while wiping away tears with the sleeve of your jacket. "I didn't mean to..."

To cry.

I know why you came here, my flightless bird, your scales so vibrant and strong even after all these years. On the anniversary of our death. Here, where you thought you'd be all alone.

But I can't let you do that, and I think the look in my eyes when you finally stared back at me somehow said that to you. You're beautiful, you're strong... You're everything we ever were and strived to be. All our successes, all our failures. I know that it's a heavy burden that you carry now. I wish I could help with some of it, even just a little, but I can't.

You stood at the edge of a cliff. Your slitted pupils glared down at the crashing waves below. The tip of your forked tongue whipped against a salty breeze. You needed me then, to stand by your side so you'd finally stop your shivering.

Maybe that's why I was still here after all this time, when all else has moved on. To drag you out of the burning wreck once again. A heaven for your hell. One last phantom for you to face.

Or maybe I was just overthinking all of it. Who was I to say what is and isn't, when I was just another ghost?

"What's that thing you used to tell us?" Your eyes were wide now, a sad little smile on your face. "Right when we took off - like clockwork."

I smiled back and walked with you to the gates of Haven Point. I watched you get in your car. I saw that look in your eyes that said... I miss you.

I miss you too. I miss you all.

Brave the storm, my flightless birds.

And with that, I watched you drive into the night.

And with that, I was once again alone.