Josh and Alex: The Magnificat
December 18
The Journal of Alex Dupree
Dear Readers,
Finally got my holiday shopping finished yesterday. Whew! Every year Josh and I tell each other we're gonna get it finished early. And every year we forget a gift or have that last minute party to attend or relative that's decided to visit at the last minute, so we have to rush out and buy that last gift or some extra food or whatnot.
Speaking of holiday shopping, @cedartabby e-mailed me today that Amazon is giving away one of my first short stories, "The Harlot's Tree," with a purchase of Dragon's Seeds for your Kindle or eReader. This way you can catch up on Delilah's latest adventures and laugh at one of my early attempts to be paid for my writing at the same time. ^.^
Okay, now that we've got the commercial out of the way, some of you may remember about a month ago when I asked you to post some of your favorite holiday memories to share and to vote on the ones you enjoyed reading the best. The voting ends tomorrow, and the three most popular pieces will be sent to Reminisce Magazine as part of their newest collection of holiday tales to benefit the United Way. As an extra bonus, the individuals who have the three most popular pieces as voted by you will get a signed hardback copy of Dragon's Seeds. The response has been overwhelming, with so many of you sharing stories, casting votes, and making donations to the United Way. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you for giving of your time and money to help others this holiday season.
At the same time, many of you asked me what my favorite holiday memory was. The first one that came to mind - well, I don't know if it's my favorite, but it's one of my favorites, and it's definitely one of the most unusual holidays I've ever had.
Josh and I had been together for a little over three years when I finally gave in and went to spend Christmas with my parents. Ever since Brett and I split and I started seeing Josh, my folks were worried about me dating again so soon. My mom was especially concerned when she heard I was dating a lupine, that "in my most fragile time" I was about to "be used and discarded" by the first body to come along. We'd been together three years and I think Mom was finally beginning to accept that Josh wasn't leaving any time soon. Still, Mom warned me to always be careful. "Brett left when he found out you were pregnant. Don't let this one get you pregnant either, not for at least six or seven years. Make sure your relationship can stand the strain of another child. And make sure he's not just into you for free childcare and sex."
So Josh got his son Lee, who was eight at the time, to come with us. Here I am, in the car with an eight year old pup, my daughter Megan, who had just turned five, my six foot four wolf mate, and me, all crammed in my Kia, driving for four hours to see my parents in Paducah, Kentucky. And I just found out I was pregnant. The morning we left. Josh was teaching a workshop that ran late, so by the time he got home, we had just enough time to pack the car and leave.
As a testament to the kind of man Josh is, he did a remarkable job trying to keep the kids entertained and me from biting off their heads and worrying about getting there late. Of course I had bigger worries than getting there late, but a four hour car ride on December 23rd on the way to see your parents isn't exactly the best time to say, "Oh, hey, guess what I found out today..."
Finally we arrived at my parents' house around eight that night. The kids slept on the futon and the hide-a-bed in the den. They thought it was cool getting to sleep on "couches that folded out into beds." Josh and I took the guest room downstairs. The moment we were alone I plopped on the side of the bed and started to cry. My mom was just starting to take to Josh. How would she take the news that I was going to have his baby? How would Josh take it? Would he leave me too? And I was a snow leopardess. Josh was a wolf. That meant our child would be a half-breed, a schnolf. How would our families take that? How would it affect our baby? And what if something went wrong, if our genes were simply incompatible?
I don't know how long I'd been crying. But the next thing I remember was Josh, in his boxers, kneeling at my feet. With the tenderest touch I've ever felt, he undressed me. He refused to let me help him, undoing every lace, every button, every clasp with deftness and ease. And as he slipped my clothes off, his large paws slid across my body as if in worship. I know that sounds strange, but I don't know how else to describe it.
Within moments we were lying on the bed, wrapped up in the warm sheets, my head nestled into Josh's chest. He held me, rubbing my back and between my ears, giving me the time I needed to collect my thoughts.
But the only thing I thought was Josh. I needed to hold him, to feel him, to know he would be with me. That he wouldn't leave. I could handle my parents, what this might do to Megan and Lee and my budding writing career, as long as he was there with me. Now Josh has always been nothing but good to me. Sure, we disagree and quarrel and fight from time to time. But we always work through it. He'd given me almost three years of happiness, support, advice, and unconditional love with absolutely no reason to think he'd leave. But fear is an odd thing, making you question and doubt things you know will never happen. And fear felt by a woman about to bring new life into the world...
I remember rolling him on top of me, burrowing myself in his large body and whispering "Never let me go..." So Josh held me. Covered me. Made love to me. Lost himself inside me with my arms and legs wrapped so tightly around him I was afraid I'd break him. And still he held me all through the night.
We woke to the sounds of kids pounding at the door. "Time to get up! Get up!"
I sighed. I wanted to tell Josh before anyone else. It was only fair, I figured. But the kids gave us no room. We showered and dressed in time for one of those big family breakfasts my parents like to cook when their kids are home - eggs, coffee, fruit, sausage, bacon, toast, gravy, orange juice, cereal, and homemade biscuits.
All the while Josh watched me from across the table where I sat with Lee. Occasionally his paw would brush mine across the table or his hindpaw would rub my leg, just to let me know he was there for me.
The moment breakfast was over, Dad wanted to take Josh out to see his new barn. That left Megan, Lee, and Mom to talk in the combination kitchen and dining room about their Christmas plans and the cookies they were gonna bake today while I sat at the table nursing my coffee and trying not to scream or climb the walls. By the time Dad and Josh got back, my younger sister Beth showed up with her boyfriend Steve and my older sister Elaine was there with her husband and their three kids. By the time we all drove into town for Christmas Eve Service, at my parents' "request," I was a basket case.
I don't remember the mini-pageant or the hymns. I don't remember any of the prayers or anything up until the final reading of The Magnificat right before the dismissal. The minister had us all stand again. Josh stood beside me and wrapped his arm around my waist. Instinctively my head rested against his shoulder. I could feel Mom's disapproving eyes - such behavior in church after all! But I didn't care. It was the first time all day I'd been able to be beside him. I needed this.
The minister began the reading. "My soul doth magnify the Lord."
"And my spirit hath rejoiced in God my Saviour," the congregation responded.
I whispered a prayer to Brigit, my matron goddess, and to the God my family worshiped, begging for wisdom to know what to do and peace so I could actually enjoy this time with my family and my mate.
"For he hath regarded," the minister continued.
"The lowliness of his handmaiden," everyone else responded.
At that moment I felt something brush my stomach. I looked down and saw Josh's paw lightly rubbing my belly. My eyes met his.
"For behold, from henceforth..."
"...all generations shall call me blessed."
"For He that is mighty hath magnified me..."
"...and holy is His name."
Josh smiled at me as his large paw rested right in the middle of my belly.
"And His mercy is on them that fear Him..."
"...throughout all generations."
"He hath shewed strength with his arm...
"...He hath scattered the proud in the imagination of their hearts."
"I love you," I whispered to him, tears blurring my vision.
"I love you, Alex."
"He remembering His mercy hath holpen His servant Israel...
"...as he promised to our forefathers, Abraham and his seed for ever."
"Amen."
"Amen."
The next morning, the living room was flooded with boxes and wrapping paper and voices laughing and mewing and playing. I noticed Josh sitting on a chair in the corner by himself. When he saw me, he motioned me over. I saw on his lap and snuggled up to him. "What is it?"
He handed me a small present. "I waited until last night to wrap it after you felt asleep. I wanted to do the right dedication." Inside the package was a specially made writing journal. On the inside front cover, Josh had written down part of A. A. Milne's dedication to The House at Pooh Corner:
"My book is ready, and comes to greet
The mother it longs to see -
It would be my present to you, my sweet,
If it weren't your gift to me."
We sat there together that Christmas morning, holding each other, watching the chaos around us. And for the first time that holiday season, I was unafraid.