FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Deacon's energy was through the goddamn roof. The gator had traced through the halls and rooms of his house. Countless trails in the carpet spiraled with him, like static ripples on pool water. Nervous eyes traced the walls, the furniture, the tables, the counters, the floorboards, the ceilings, and even the corners of the room. Soft shadows of diffused sunlight bled through blinds but he wouldn't let a spec of dust escape his vision in the dim. The youth had channeled all of his nervous energy into cleaning for the last two hours, even as errant thoughts and feelings kept erupting from his subconscious. Fears, loves, plans, dangers. All awakened after his declaration at the top of the lookout point. They amalgamated together into a festering slop and Deacon was conveniently choosing to ignore it. There was a house to clean after all, Kane was coming over and soon.

On his third pass through the kitchen in as many minutes he stooped to glance at the cookies through the glass of the oven. They were still all there, still baking, just where they were forty seconds ago when he checked and will likely still be when he checks in less than another minute.

He nods to himself, 'Kitchen's clean, living room's in order, videogames are set up, bathroom's tidied.' He thinks. Mentally going over the many tasks he took upon himself to complete before the rhino arrives. They were all done for the last thirty minutes but the gator had gone over the list at least ten times since then. The oven clicked, internal arcs of current and voltage. Deacon had always associated that sound with baking. His mother had always been a fantastic baker. Performing alchemy to manifest the most delicious treats from a handful of the same ingredients. Cakes, breads, muffins, cookies, biscuits, buns, things even beyond imagination. There must be magic in her hands since not one thing Clara baked ever burned.

The gator had many fond memories of baking with his mother.

But right now, he was alone.

He tapped his foot with urgency, as if he could will the laws of thermodynamics and heat transfer to his cause by breaking the kitchen tile with his big toe. Inevitably fruitless, but alas such is the folly of Deacon.

'Alright, alright, alright. Just calm down, Galar. The house is fine, the cookies are fine, and you're fine. Kane's going to come over and it's all just going to be fine.' His foot steadies, he leaned against the counter, his tail came to rest, and he breathed. 'Kane...'

The adorable rhino, the artist, the gamer, the nerd, the barista, the crush, the friend, his friend.

His hero.

Peace flowed from within, raging storms just poofed out of existence, scattered to realms forgotten in his mind. Deacon smiled, happy to just think of his friend. His one and only source of joy for the last two weeks. Two turbulent weeks.

'Has it really only been two weeks?' Deacon asked himself, staring at the wall calendar that hangs next to the fridge. The oven clicked again. 'Two weeks since we...'

The gator had found it hard to exactly describe that night, attempts never seemed to fully define the events that transpired between the two. That night was the last time they were alone together. And Deacon hadn't been in the best of headspace that night, hopped up on intimacy and sugar and sleep deprivation. A dubious combination. He looked at the cookies in the oven. One he was about to recreate. And like that storm clouds materialized in his mind, the minute of calm was banished in the same way.

'What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do? What am I gonna do?' He took off on another trek through the house again checking the same tasks he finished long ago. He had no idea. The gator asked Kane over on a whim, sort of. He had something to tell the rhino. Many things to tell the rhino. And felt woefully unprepared for any of it.

'Do I just come out and say it, do I ease into it a bit, do I wait a while to see what his mood is?' Nervous energy bred anxiety in the gator's mind, needles and thorns prickled his willpower and thoughts. He had more than once opened his phone to text Kane and call it off, but then second guessed that decision too. His lungs and heart heaved in overdrive, queasy sensations settled in around the base of his spine, eyes flashed again and again to the walls, the furniture, the tables, the counters, the floorboards, the ceilings, and the corners of the room. And worse still, he couldn't go swim to burn off the excess energy. Kane was going to arrive soon.

The oven clicked as he passed through the kitchen again. The soft noise seemed massive to the sensitive ears of the concerned teen. The shock uprooted the spiraling thoughts running rampant in his mind. He sighed as he leaned over the counter, forearms parallel to the cool, clean surface. His eyes drifted closed.

"Kane, I'm gay. I love you and I'm gay." His eyes watered, but he didn't cry. He had enough of crying earlier. The words didn't even echo with how softly he spoke them. But he said them, his proof was in how right they felt. The gator clenched his hands, trying to grasp the feeling of rightness. "Kane, I love you. You make me so happy. You can't understand how much you mean to me." With each word, a clearer and clearer image of Kane grew in his mind. Everything, every feeling, every thought, every experience they've shared after a near lifetime together. Those gave him strength, and with strength came purpose, and with purpose came calm. "You're okay, Deacon..." The swimmer sighed as he stood back up. Calmer eyes gazed around the space. It was ready. He was ready. He only had to wait, wait for the rhino to arrive.

Ding Dong!

So pervasive was his calm that it didn't even shock him, but he still felt the rush of warm fuzzies in his chest. The eager anticipation of seeing Kane again, just the two of them, and no one else to deal with, it felt like ecstasy. Footsteps pounded as legs rushed towards the entryway. Ready hands ripped the door open, blinding sunlight illuminated his world and in the center of that transcendent aura and halo was Kane.

The gator pounced on the large mammal, buried his snout in his chest, sank in his embrace, breathed in his scent, and felt the rush of frantic calm. It leached all the anxiety from his bones, the gator smiled into the broad chest. And noticed with a smug satisfaction the way Kane's heart sped up. He pulled back to look up at the taller mammal. Kane was smiling, but in that surprised way that meant he wasn't expecting such a greeting.

"Uh, hi."

"Hi Kane." The gator noticed he held his arms out to the side, a brief glance to the sides and Deacon finally noticed the drinks he carried. The gator snickered. "Sorry, I didn't notice your hands were full."

"Oh, it's fine." He said, glancing to the side. Deacon laughed and gave the rhino one last squeeze around the midsection before stepping back. The two stood there looking at one another. Drinking in the sight of the other. For one, Deacon couldn't stop grinning from ear to ear. Kane was just as giddy. Though in his own subdued, shy way. The way that Deacon found so endearing.

"So.. wanna come inside?" Deacon said, walking backwards across the threshold.

"Yeah." Kane responded. A click sounded as the gator nearly floated across the kitchen.

"Shit! The cookies!" He yelled as he whipped back in front of Kane and sped to the oven. Coincidentally, the timer went off as he ran in. The gator scrambled to glove his hand and grab the metal tray. It clanged onto the stove top as gator cut the power to the oven. He exhaled. "Got 'em." He said as he looked over at Kane. He was standing there giving Deacon an odd look. The gator couldn't quite place the emotion and decided to shoulder on. "Should be cool in like five minutes."

"Okay..." Kane said.

"Anyways I'm glad you're here. I pulled out a lot of our favorite games, we got snacks in the fridge, and the whole place to ourselves." He walked back into the living room, past his friend, straight to the large entertainment center. Every console his family owned was all plugged in and ready to rock. Five generations of technology and thousands of dollars in games lined the walls. His father's prized possessions. "So what do you want to play? We got Street Biter, Foal Calibur, Rash Bros., Haylo, COD- stop me when you hear something good" and continued to rattle off game titles.

"Deacon..." Kane said. It vibrated through Deacon, right to his core. The jarring sensation startled him. His finger hovered in front of spines of hundreds of video games, a childhood of stories, heroes, villains, and characters far braver than him. Far stronger than him.

He spent the last few hours trying to psyche himself up for this, be ready for this encounter, this moment with Kane. And now that the moment was here, the sun and stars had aligned, and he balked. He was terrified, scared. Everything he wanted to say, everything he wanted to do, everything he resolved to be. It all remained locked behind a barrier he dared not approach, a wall he dare not scale.

He sat there frozen for too long, too stunned to respond. Colorful fonts of titles filled his entire vision. He gulped. 'Respond, dumbass!!'

"Uh, what's, what's up, Kane?" He asked without turning around. He heard a deep breath behind him, followed by the scrunching of the couch, surly as Kane was settling down on to the cushions.

"I don't... want to play anything... right now." The words were tentative, even for Kane who was normally more confident when Deacon was involved, especially when they were alone.

"Oh, yeah? That's alright, maybe something on Petflix. There's that fun live action anime adaptation that everyone says is pretty good. I thought we could watch it together?" Deacon was grasping at straws now, throwing a hail mary, a silent plea. 'Please, Kane, please. Anything else, please!' Anything to keep him from opening up.

"No, Deacon. I, we, I want to talk to you." Deacon's mouth ran dry. Hundreds of possibilities thought up by his imagination ran unpoliced. He started to feel fear well up, his breathing ticked up a beat, foot started tapping on the ground again.

The wall clock rang out a tune, marking the top of the hour. The jaunty tune juxtaposed the tense air that hung between the two friends. It irritated the gator beyond measure but he was determined to keep under control.

'Dammit, Deacon. Man up! You're stronger than this!' The gator set his face slowly turned. Deacon wanted to face Kane, years of swimming taught him how to set his mind and move his body accordingly. Whatever Deacon set his mind to, he did. Shame of hiding from himself, from Kane darkened his soul but he refused to let it be snuffed out entirely.

Kane was flicking the plastic lid of his chai, a nervous tick Deacon knew. He sat hunched forward, looking at the ground, but what drew the gator's attention was his eyes. Kane's brow was set, and despite clearly being upset it was the most determined Deacon had ever seen Kane. Deacon shook his head, awed at how strong the rhino was, how inspiring it was to see. It just added weight to his own guilt and inner turmoil. 'Man up more, Galer.'

The walk as he headed for the couch as well was silent. He took the cushion furthest from Kane since he didn't trust himself to be near his wonderful crush right now. Not while dealing with his guilty conscience.

"Alright, Kane. I understand. What do you want to talk about?" The first thing he did was slide the second drink his way across the coffee table.

"I brought you a tea."

"Thanks, dude. You didn't have to." Deacon kept his tone light and grateful, hopefully diffusing some of the tension that charged the air.

"Well, you know, thought you'd like one."

"Yeah, thanks." The gator sipped the liquid, it was his second of the day and it tasted just as good. If only the moment wasn't as heavy. It just reminded the gator of their date two weeks ago and how on top of the world he felt. How Kane had always made him feel. They sipped in silence.

'Alright, Galer. You can do this, you can do this.'

"So... uh, how are you doing?" He casually asked. Kane didn't turn towards him as he responded.

"I'm doing alright, just ready for the weekend, you know."

"Yeah, got any fun plans?" Kane shook his head, eyes still down on the ground. "Well, that's okay. Maybe we could-"

"Deacon, are you doing okay?" Kane interrupted, Deacon felt the desperation. It was the first time they met eyes since their hug outside. There was determination too, however. It halted Deacon's own thought process. 'Me?'

"Oh, umm. It's, you know, school and swim have kept me busy lately. I never seem to have a moment to myself anymore." 'Okay, now tell him! Tell him how you feel! Tell him you're gay! Tell him you love him! Tell him anything!!!'

"I see." Kane said, looking away. Deacon couldn't help but feel like he answered wrong. In retrospect, the gator determined he had just lied. He really hadn't been okay. And this wasn't making it any better.

"Are- Are you sure everything's alright?" Kane asked again, Deacon had to look to the far side of the room. 'Tell him! Tell him! Tell him!' He gripped his knee, claws digging into his scales.

"Umm. I- How about a cookie? They should be cooled by now." He tried to speed off towards the kitchen but strong hands grabbed his wrist, halting his forward movement. He couldn't turn to face Kane, but he didn't pull away from the grab. Even now, his nerves alighted with the touch, enjoying feeling Kane's fingers upon his skin. It unfortunately clashed with his mire of guilt, honing both into a rancid stew.

Tired eyes looked across the space, at family pictures lining the walls, shelves of books and reading, corner lamps and side tables with vases of beautiful flowers that his mom changed with the seasons. A homey room filled with warmth that seemed to stop short of meeting his scaled skin. The only heat came from the hands clasping around his own.

"Kane..." He said.

"Look, Deacon. I, I don't know what's going on. And, honestly, I'm upset I heard about you from Tiffany. Cause, you know, I thought if there was something bothering you, you, you know, could tell me. And I'd, you know, listen and I'm, I'm just..." His voice was quivering, it made Deacon so angry, so ashamed, so guilty that he was causing this amazing rhino distress. He ground his teeth against each other in his mouth. Still afraid to look his friend in the eyes.

"Look, I, just. Just know, that I'm here for you. Whatever it is, whatever's going on, I'm here. If you need me." Hands slipped apart, the one tie that connected them in that moment. Deacon felt so dead inside, tired from running away, towards, and away again from what he wanted. Stuck at a fork in the road where every option was undesirable. Where was his courage, where was his resolve from earlier, where was any of the determination he had on top of that hill just a few hours ago, where was that Deacon.

'Next step, Deacon. The next one.' A stranger's voice tenderly whispered to him.

The young gator looked to his right, the frame and form of his friend. His soft eyes looked back at him, that same determination radiating brightly. They held them for a moment or two. Deacon wondered how tired he must look in that moment, after the week and day he's had, the struggle of trying, and failing, to remain strong. Clearly, that approach hadn't worked. So change was inevitable lest he fall even further apart.

Deacon slouched into the couch with a sigh carrying the weight of the sky. His hands found his eyes, rubbing them raw enough to see stars behind his eyelids. Hoping that perhaps, he could just clean off his exhaustion. When he finally spoke, the words were scratchy.

"How much did Tiffany tell you?" He asked. Still unsure of where to go with his words, but at least now he could move forward. Take a step towards something.

"She said that you were irritable, and rude, and picking fights, and canceling plans, and well, miserable."

"Yeah, that about sums it up." Deacon finally admitted. To the one person he never wanted to admit his weakness to. It was foolish to think it'd be freeing, or soothing, or cathartic. It just... sucked.

"And," he continued, "She said it started about two weeks ago. You know, after our date. And I, I thought. Maybe, you know, that maybe it was cause of me that-"

"Don't you fucking dare finish that sentence!" Deacon nearly shouted. His hands peeled away from his scalp, his eyes jumped open, honed in on Kane. The rhino wasn't looking at him, just at the floor, hands wringing each other. 'Fuck this!' Deacon mentally screamed, standing and squatting down in the rhino's view. He stared into Kane's soul, and felt his stare back.

"Dude..." He kept his voice softer, but there was still a rattle of whirling emotions behind the words. "I, I admit it. I've been..." The gator shook his head, "struggling. These last two weeks. I've had a lot of things going on, a lot of thoughts that I kept hoping would go away. And, guess what, they never did. And I got frustrated, angry, scared, frightened." He sighed and looked down. Physical pain welled near his heart, 'Don't stop now, Galer.'

"And, and I took it out on others, Shirley, Tiffany, the guys, my parents, anyone. Anyone but you. But I still ended up lying to your face. You, we, our date. It, it, it was like a dream come true. It was like everything I had ever wanted was in hand. It was like, like, I don't know, the best thing that's ever happened to me. And I still think that, so please," Deacon rested a hand on Kane's knee and hung his head, "Please don't blame yourself. It's not you, it was never you. It was just me, only me."

At the end of pain and misery, at the end of your rope, you feel empty, you feel done, you feel like there's nothing left. Deacon had been exhausted before, hours and hours spent training and swimming, feeling like his muscles would crap out if he took one more step. Feeling like one more stroke and his arm would pop off. Feeling physically void of energy.

This felt worse.

He felt dead, like it was over, like there was no return, like there was no way up off the floor, like he was just waiting to be buried. It wouldn't take much to finish him, he just bared the ugliest part of his soul to Kane. A piece that laid infected and festering for two weeks. This wasn't anything like being in the hall two weeks ago, that would have been more preferable to the current situation. He walked himself right into his grave, and only blamed himself.

Persistence of life is a strong instinct, however, the preservation of life further beyond pain inconceivable. Cause even when empty, there is space to be filled. Hope grows to fill space. Hope in many forms. Even in the form of another.

Angelic hands kissed his cheeks, recalling him to the world of here and now, lifting him body and soul. The gator closed his eyes, stemming the tide of tears from within and the light from without. He couldn't look at Kane, he was to pure, to perfect. Far more than Deacon deserved, especially with how he's been acting the last few days.

A butterfly kiss alighted on his crown and he never felt a lighter touch in his life. He scrunched his brow. A pathetic whine escaped his throat. Fingers pulled him in and he couldn't find anything left to resist. A warm body cocooned Deacon, a smell that he's come to crave and love enveloped what was left of his mind, pulling his consciousness out of the corner it went to hide for the rest of time. At the soft pats down his back, he couldn't hold back any more. Tears manifested out of nowhere, immediately mopped up in the soft fabric that touched his face. 'You're crying again. You didn't want to cry.' He thought to himself, but it didn't change anything. 'Who the fuck cares...' he concluded.

A dam of tears ran unhampered. He didn't know how he had any water left in his eyes, surly after all the emotions he's been beaten with today they'd be shriveled grapes, dried prunes, wrinkly figs. But no, he cried anyway. His hands gripped at whatever they felt, shirt, skin, anything. A persistent thought reminded him that he's holding onto Kane right then, but there was no way he was going to receive any joy from that fact at the moment. Such was the flood currently streaming from him in the form of wet eyes, choking cries, shallow breaths, and soft pets. Those felt amazing.

Deacon didn't know how long he waited in his chrysalis of Kane's embrace, metamorphosing into something else, someone else. Weeks of stress truly melted away, not just hidden from view, but from existence. The smell of Kane lingered, even through the snotty sniffles and hiccups and sobs. He was laid on top of Kane, not entirely sure how he got up there. And also not sure he cared. He just accepted that he was and cried on.

And for the second time since Kane arrived, he felt empty. A truer empty, one devoid of guilt and despair, one of true zero and not abject self-hatred. Rivers of tears eventually stemmed as well, lungs settled and sobs subsided. A stillness sank to his tail and toes. The clock sang out the top of another hour. As it ended, Deacon noticed another heartbeat in his ears. One that wasn't his. Kane's, and it soothed him as much as his smell. It was deep and wide and constant, a sound worth getting lost in. 'It sounds so cool.' he thought, and then immediately started to giggle. It was uncontrollable, like a third party admiring the absurdity of what just happened for the last hour. Someone else possessing Deacon's body that had been left vacant. It felt so freeing, just a gator without a care. A foreign feeling.

"Are you feeling better?" A voice called for him and it pulled his awareness back to his body, his limbs rustled from their slumber and muscles tensed and pulled him upright. Kane scurried around too so that they were both sitting again on the couch. The space seemed bigger to Deacon, less restricting and more inviting. His cheeks were still damp and nose was stuffed with mucus. 'Oh, fuck me...' He tried to wipe it up with his sleeve.

"Deacon..." he heard from his right, it tasted so nice in his ears. Wiggling down to his veins and bones. He gave his eyes one last wipe before concluding that he'd never clean up enough to be presentable. He was sure his eyes were red.

"Ahh, fuck..." He sighed out. A wayward glance to the side showed that Kane was turned directly towards him. Deacon sheepishly looked the other way. Tapping on his knees.

"Feeling better?" Kane asked again. Deacon breathed in deeply and then sighed out everything. The breath stretched over a dozen seconds.

"You know what? Yeah, I do." Deacon finally answered.

"I'm glad to hear that." The rhino responded. In that moment, Deacon saw the way forward. The fog and mist that obscured the way had completely abated. The world became rosy again and Deacon knew he could do it. 'I've done it once, just gotta say it to someone else now.'

"Kane?" He said as he turned. The friends were close but not touching, Deacon decided with a split second decision to change that. His scaled hand reached out and floated towards Kane's. Without any acknowledgement, Kane took it into his own. Deacon loved how they sank into each other, complimented each other so brilliantly. It just affirmed everything Deacon thought about the wonderful person in front of him.

"Kane, I'm.. gay." he said.

And the world didn't end. It didn't even shutter. Kane's smile got deeper, the corners of his eyes wrinkled more, his hand squeezed tighter.

"I'm gay, and I've been trying to ignore that fact for so long I didn't know how to deal with it. But... I can't ignore it anymore. Cause, it would mean... ignoring you too. And I can't do that, you make me too happy. So... yeah." He didn't respond immediately. Deacon didn't even know how he wanted Kane to respond, this was already too far into uncharted territory. At this point, he said what he wanted to say. Beyond that, he just had to trust his friend.

"Thank you for telling me, I'm sure that was difficult for you." Deacon just scoffed and shook his head.

"You have no idea, dude."

"I sorta do." He gestured to his damp shirt.

"Oh, god. I'm sorry, man. I'm sure I look like crap." He was rubbing his eyes again

"It's alright."

"It's just been really hard." Tearducts were welling up again.

"I know. But I'm proud of you." His other hand cupped the back of his own.

"Proud! What's there to be proud of? I'm a fucking mess." Deacon countered, getting loud.

"No, you're just a person. That's all. And I'm still proud of you." Deacon didn't have any response to that. He just sighed, not wanting to argue anymore.

"Well, that's what I've been dealing with. I just hope you're not mad at me." Deacon said.

"I wasn't mad, Deacon. I was never mad, just worried."

"Oh, you were worried about me, huh?" Deacon taking the opportunity to interject some humor into the conversation. A little teasing. A gentle ribbing.

"Yeah, I was."

"Well, I must mean a lot to you then."

"You do." Kane affirmed

"Yeah, how much?" He asked with a wink. Kane's smile flattened a bit and he raised an incredulous eyebrow. Deacon was all in though, not one to back down after a thought got in his head. Of course, there were always consequences though. Those pesky things that always seemed to rear their heads.

"Alright, Galer. You want to know how much you mean to me?"

"Lay it on me, Ceros." Kane leaned forward, in a brazen display that Deacon didn't think was possible. It wasn't till lips tapped his own that he even understood what was happening. The gator could only lean back in shock, blinking in disbelief.

A sudden kiss. An odd sense of irony struck the gator as memories from their date sprang up.

"Ah." Deacon started, ignoring the cocky look on Kane's face, "Is that how that feels?"

"Surprising, unsatisfying, tingly?"

"All three, yeah." He replied as he started to laugh. Kane followed suit. The pair just giggled at themselves and the gawkiness of youth. Kane was still leaning forward and Deacon couldn't help but notice how close he was, just an inch or two, just a little jump forward and their lips could meet again. Another urge gripped his brain.

"Do you.. Would you? " He licked his lips, "Wanna, maybe, do it for real?" He gulped but held his ground just finger lengths away from Kane. His hand gripped Kane's tighter.

"You serious?!"

"Yes." He whispered back. Already feeling his pulse rising.

"More than you know, Deacon." Inches became centimeters

"Then.. show me again, Kane.." Centimeters became Angstroms.

Lips met, intentionally on both parties, for the first time. Deacon's overtaxed heart skipped multiple beats in his chest. 'He's kissing me! He's kissing me! He's kissing me! He's kissing me!' was all he could think, he couldn't even process the kiss itself. It could have been five seconds or five minutes when they broke apart. Deacon was panting like he just swam a sprint. Kane was in a similar state. Deacon was looking around frantically, fireworks going off in his head, heart, and hands. 'We kissed!'

The two previous times couldn't compare, shock and awe and ambush tactics fell flat to the concentrated, willful, simultaneous exchange. It was like flying as Deacon's mood was sent soaring. Shooting up out of the room and roof to touch the sky and stars beyond. Only to crash back to the ground, to be addicted after only one hit, to crave it again lest he never feel it again.

"Kane, I-" He couldn't get anymore than that out before the rhino renewed his oral assault. Deacon's defenses crumbled instantaneously. Some small part of his mind registered the touch to his shoulders. But he definitely felt the push as the heavier of the two of them leaned in.

Deacon let himself fall backwards into the couch.

Limbs, torsos, and lips passionately collided. Deacon felt Kane, above him, on him, around him. He felt hands, rubbing up and down his sides. Felt the weight pressing down on his body. The gator's ears picked up the moan from his buddy, but as time and their kiss went on that description kept getting more and more wrong.

Kane had him fully pinned, Deacon couldn't move or find any purchase to push back. Even as he squirmed, Kane proved to be too immobile and single minded to be deterred. With no other recourse, he accepted it. He went passive. He let Kane feel him up, attack his lips, and steal his breath. He couldn't think coherent thoughts, and drank in every sensation.

Kane moaned again and the rumble shook through Deacon like shifting tectonic plates. And suddenly two new sensations came to light. Deacon's need to breathe and the absolute pain and ache as his dick wared against his shorts. One was more of an immediate concern.

He shook his head to pull his lips away from the kiss.

"Kane..." he wheezed, "Can't breathe.."

An abrupt shifting of mass lifted up of him, his chest exploded outward. He panted for a long while, eyes closed since the first time he opened them the room was spinning.

"Are you- you okay?" He heard over the sound of his heaving lungs. The gator only flashed him a thumbs up. "I'm sorry, I know I'm big. I just, I got, you know."

"I'm not," Deep breath, "complaining." Deep breath, "Just needed air." He got out.

"Sorry." Kane apologized again. His eyes wouldn't meet Deacon's own.

"Stop it." Deacon demanded as he got his breath under control. "I loved it. Didn't you?"

Kane's look said it all. The slight guilt and utter shame of someone who indulged in a forbidden fruit. And still wanted more. Deacon knew he was fighting himself, he wasn't one to display such intense emotions. 'Fuck it, don't lie to me. Or yourself. I know that shit sucks.'

"Kane, look at me." It took a moment but he did. Deacon lost himself in his eyes for a while, his lips, his nose, his shaved horn, his mein. It was all wonderful. It was all Kane. "Tell me you loved it, please..."

"I loved it, Deacon. More than anything I've ever done." He didn't look away.

"That's awesome, bro." He took a deep breath in, a strong wind of courage. Deacon watched the rhino set his mind to something. Eyebrows squaring up, mouth morphing into a fine line. Deacon recognized that look. It was the one he took when he needed to psyche himself up. To mentally prepare for an arduous task. To take a step forward.

In that moment, Deacon again remembered what fascinates him about the rhino. The way he charges forward when he needs to, when he knows he can, when there's something he wants. For years Deacon watched Kane grow from a kid to an adult, from socially obtuse childhood through awkward puberty years and finally a man who finally got here together.

Deacon didn't know what was about to happen, but he had a guess. And if he was right, it was going to be amazing. For both of them.

"Deacon..."

"Yes, Kane,"

"I have something I need to tell you too." The gator smiled.

"You can tell me anything." He was still under the rhino. Guts touching. Surrounded by thick gray arms.

Kane faltered though, his brow wavered. He looked away, and suddenly seemed unsure of himself. 'No, Kane. Don't run from me, or yourself.' Deacon intervened. With a clawed finger or two he pulled Kane's chin back.

"Come on, Kane. You can do it. And I already spilled my guts today. It's your turn now." Kane just rolled his eyes and snorted.

"You and your reciprocity."

"Hey, it's only fair, right?" Deacon defended. "I mean, I was bawling like a baby for, like, an hour. I feel like I deserve something."

"Yeah, you got hugged and babied for like an hour. And you still want more?!"

"Of course, I'm a greedy gator." Deacon teased with a grin.

"Ridiculous" he said, accenting each syllable.

"You know you love me!" The words were out without even a first thought. Deacon jammed his mouth closed. Kane's eyes went wide. Neither even bothered to breathe. 'Fuck, fuck, fuck...' Deacon repeated in his mind. Kane seemed to be going through multiple stages of shock and disbelief. His eyes were wide, mouth agape with a smile that was for sure denial more than mirth. Deacon's mouth started to move, but no intelligible sounds exited it.

"K-, Kane. I'm-, that wasn't-"

"You dumbass!" He scoffed.

"I'm sorry."

"I was trying so hard too." His head shook.

"I know." Deacon pleaded, "I'm so sorry." Kane just shook his head in disbelief.

"You just had to go and ruin it."

"No, I didn't. I didn't ruin it. You can still say it. Please, please say it."

"You don't think the moment's ruined?" Kane asked mockingly. Deacon couldn't respond. There really wasn't any argument he could make against it. He felt so silly, so ridiculous, so himself. 'Take it as it is' he told himself.

He wrapped his arms around Kane's neck and planted the softest kiss he could on his cheek, grinning the whole while.

"I'm sorry, Kane. I didn't mean to ruin your moment." Another kiss.

"Yeah, well, it's just like you."

"I know. I act without thinking, I'm really sorry" another kiss.

"No, not that." He sighed out. A hand of his swam through their embrace and gripped one of Deacon's. It lifted off his neck and Deacon let it go, not wanting to overstep his bounds any more than he already has. Kane oddly looked happy when his face came into view. That puzzled Deacon who cocked his head to the left. His cheeks dimpled as he smiled, eyes focused on something one thousand yards away.

Eventually, Deacon's curiosity took over.

"What then?" He asked. His shoulders lifted as he took a breath in, another one to steady his nerves. Only this time his face was softer, gentler, more calm.

"Deacon."

"Yes, Kane."

"You have this wonderful way of helping me move forward, I don't even know if you realize it." Kane chuckled a bit as he shook his head. Deacon kept his mouth shut. "I was scared too, just now. But, but I'm not anymore." He shrugged, "You're just, the right kind of infuriating." Deacon smiled at himself, letting the compliment stand as is. For what it is.

Kane dipped his head down till their foreheads touched, their eyes were close, his face warped by the perspective. But still the same old, wonderful, magical, beautiful Kane.

"Deacon."

"Yes, Kane" whispered for this third time.

"I love you." Were the words whispered back.

The world didn't end, but if it had Deacon would have died happy. His cheeks hurt with how hard and large he smiled. The floodgates of warmth and heat failed, flooding down to every one of his scales, every cell in his body, every atom of his form. A garden of butterflies roused in his stomach, their tender wingbeats whipped up a storm that made him want to move, to dance, to sing. To live.

But above all, there was one more thing he needed to do above all else. The next step.

"Kane."

"Yeah."

"I have something else I wanted to tell you today."

"Yes?" The rhino asked expectantly. Obviously, he knew what was coming. Deacon pressed on, he wasn't going to back down again. Not with Kane, not with himself. He locked eyes again with Kane, his Kane. The only person in the world he'd tell these words to.

"I love you, more than anything."

Kane started giggling. Deacon started giggling. Two teens high on their feelings for the other. Every time they went to stop, they locked eyes and the fits of laughter reignited. 'He loves me. He loves me. He loves me.' The gator thought over and over, the fuzzy words sinking further and further into his mind, body, and soul.

"You goofball." He whispered.

"You know you love me." Deacon said.

"...I do."

......

A couple of minutes later and they were laying together on the couch. Kane had a plate of cookies on his chest piled high. Deacon was wedged in between him and the seat back. His fingers traced in and around Kane's stomach, loving the way it rolls and jiggles. Following the designs in the fabric, the image of some abstract design. It traced here and there. A soft smile was on his face, happy he could play with Kane's tummy again. Happy he was with Kane. Happy he came out to Kane, and himself.

An odd thought came to him.

"Hey, Kane."

"Sup?"

"How'd you know you were bi?"

"Oooo, god. That's a question." He responded. Deacon looked up at him.

"You don't have to answer, man."

"No, no, that's not a problem. It's just, not something I think about a lot."

"Oh." Deacon didn't know what that really meant.

"Sorry, that, that came out weird. I just meant-" He paused for a moment as his eyes scanned the ceiling, clearly looking for the right words. "It didn't really feel like a big deal at the time."

"So what happened?" Deacon asked, pretty curious. It seemed odd to him to hear Kane consider it as almost trivial. Considering how uncertain he can be at times, and considering Deacon's own plight has been.

"I was at the park, sketching. People watching, I guess. And there was this couple, just sitting there. One had a hand around the other's shoulder" He pointed up with a finger. "And it was a nice scene. I only realized halfway through that they were two guys. And, you know, they looked happy with each other." He paused for a moment, Deacon was looking up at the ceiling too. Imagining the scene, two strangers, enjoying each other's company, kinda like the two of them are now. "And, I just, you know, started thinking."

"About me, right?" Deacon wiggled in. Smirking up at the rhino. He only glanced down and shook his head.

"I was thinking about how nice it'd be to have someone, you know. Be with someone, like that. It made me think about people in my life I'd like that with. And wouldn't you guess?" Kane smiled down at the gator, eyes mirthful and twinkling.

"It was me?" Deacon asked, feeling rather giddy. He lifted his head up a little bit to look more directly at Kane. The rhino nodded. Before it was a joke, but honestly, there was something ego boosting about the revelation. The fact that of all the people in the world, Kane wanted to be with Deacon. It felt good. Really good.

"Well, yeah, anyway. It just kinda clicked, you know. We were friends already, know everything about each other, you're just so easy to talk to, cause you know, I'm not great at that." He glanced back up at the ceiling. His hand was curled around Deacon's back, patting him every once in a while. "And it just made sense, I guess."

"Wow..." Deacon responded. There was a lot of wonder in that word. It did make sense. Looking back, all of those same things were what Deacon liked about their friendship too. It made being together so easy.

"And, I just had to accept that if I wanted to be with another man, I was gay. Or at least bi. So since that day, I knew I was bi."

"Just like that?" Deacon asked.

"Just like that." Deacon scoffed and shook his head.

"What?" The rhino asked a bit indignantly, defensively. Deacon patted his mound, loving how it jiggled.

"It's not you. I'm just laughing at myself. I turn into an angsty teenager for two weeks and you accept yourself after two seconds. Just floors me."

"Hey, it's alright." Kane reassured him. His other hand resting atop Deacon's own. The touch tingled like it always does. It gave him such strength.

"Yeah, I know." He huffed out. "I just, have some other people to apologize to. And come out to." Deacon wasn't looking forward to that, after everything he had to go through just to come out to Kane, he wasn't exactly relishing the thought. If he was being honest with himself, it really scared him.

He thought of just his immediate friends though, Shirley, Tiffany, Blue. They'd understand. Blue already knows, sort of. The girls would get it. They already know about Kane. It shouldn't be all that hard, right? He nestled into Kane for comfort, feeling oddly cold.

"Hey, it's alright, man. You don't have to do anything you're not ready for."

"It's not..." he tucked his head deeper into Kane. "It's not that I don't know that. I just, I don't want to lie anymore. I finally figured out who I am. I've been lying to dozens of people. Strangers, my friends, my parents. And I've been a dick for a couple weeks, a liar for many more. And all cause.." He stopped himself. Residual shame, the faint odor of failure, of guilt, of many, many mistakes welled up. Kane rubbed his hand again, reminding the gator he wasn't alone anymore, he had someone to help him. The best person who could. "Cause I was scared of people learning about you. Us. Me. Just any of it. Hiding from others." He shook his head to brush off the bad memories, the many moments he regretted. Months of them. His cheeks scraped across Kane's side.

"I don't want to live like that anymore. I don't want to be that person anymore."

Deacon meant it. Almost more than anything else he's said to Kane today. It felt really relieving to get that out. 'Odd how good it feels to say what I really want to say.' he sarcastically noted internally.

He wanted it to be easy, but if today alone was any indication, it wouldn't be. But! Deacon looked up at Kane, he was beaming. There was care and concern in those eyes. Honestly, the sheer aura was too much for him to look at. The gator buried his head in the crook of his neck. Enjoying the scratches to his spine from his larger hands.

"I'll support you." He said.

"Thank you" was all he could say. He knew Kane meant it, Kane was a very honest soul. Just another part of him he wanted to emulate. Another reason Kane's his hero.

They sat in silence for a minute, the vibes just floating in the air. Deacon grabbed a cookie off the plate and munched it. 'These came out pretty good.' Mild oat and sharp peanut flavors swirled around his mouth. Oddly complimentary.

Kane sighed contentedly. It moved his whole body up and down, a tremor across his form.

"Whatcha thinking about?'

"Oh, just things," he said. That response nowhere near satisfied Deacon. He rose up off the couch a bit, stared him down, raised an eyebrow.

"Like what?"

"Just. This" he flicked a hand between the two of them. "It just always feels nice. You and I."

"You and I, huh?" Deacon had to agree. They were nice together, the pair fit together like puzzle pieces. Such great friends. Deacon wrinkled his brow at that thought. 'No, that's not quite right. Not anymore at least.' Of course this began a new line of questioning.

'What are we?'

Definitely not just friends, certainly not strangers, not quite lovers, and not really together. It had to be somewhere in-between. And Deacon had no idea where they were. But he knew where he wanted them to be.

"Now what are you thinking about?" Kane asked, obviously noticing that Deacon was lost in thought. The gator looked around the room, struggling to collect his thoughts, head tilting side to side.

"Well... I don't know, I was also thinking about you and I. Us."

"Yeah?" Kane asked on.

"Have you told anyone about us?" Deacon asked.

"No, you asked me not to, remember?" He had indeed forgotten that request.

"Ah, right. But, if you did, what would you say?'

"I mean, you know," He was clearly stumbling over his words too, "We're friends, for sure."

"Just friends?" Deacon asked, slight twinges of fear creeping into his voice.

"Well, no, I mean. We did go on a date together, right?" Kane repositioned himself so that he was sitting upright. Dropping the plate on the coffee table. Deacon took that moment to try and recompose himself. 'Okay, so he agrees we're more than friends.' There was solace in that confirmation. That Kane too thought they were something more.

The word was there at the back of his mind though, just waiting to be said. It was a struggle still, clearly he still needs to work on speaking his mind. 'No time like the present, right?'

"So, are we dating, then?" The clock rang on the wall again. Marking out another half hour passing. Kane was looking around the space. Deacon got it, he was also struggling to talk about this. Still, he knew he wanted to and pushing forward was the only way through. And he knew he wasn't alone.

"I, I, I'd be okay with saying we're dating." The nervous rhino eventually responded. A rosy blush coming to his cheeks. Deacon's own face was feeling flushed as well. But he kept watching Kane. The rhino smiled as he looked back at Deacon, eyes again twinkling. Deacon nodded.

"Guess that means we're together together." He said.

"Yeah, I guess it does."

......

Great times come to an end, however. As much as Deacon would have loved to just stop time from moving and spend untapped eternity in that bliss with Kane, life doesn't end. It keeps moving on. For better or worse. Deacon's parents came home.

The two were deep into wave 27 of COD Zombies when Clara walked in.

"Hello, boys." She said as glided across the floor into the living room.

"Oh, Hi Mom. Didn't hear you come in." Deacon said without taking his eyes off the screen. Too many enemies that needed to be shot in the head.

"Hello, Mrs. Galer." Kane said after absolutely eviscerating a walking dead with a swordfish. Clara shook her head at the imagery on screen. Clearly unenthused by the gratuitous violence that her husband and son find so fascinating.

"How was school, boys?" Neither responded, currently dealing with a wave of anthro walkers.

"Ooh, Kane. Behind you!"

"I know! I know!"

Furious mashing ensued. Clara cut her losses and headed towards her room. Men and their toys, she was probably thinking. Gunshots and explosions sounded behind her.

Deacon was not doing too well, low on ammo and surrounded by walkers.

"Kane, need some help."

"Can't, They're on me too."

"Eeeee! Ah, damn." The death animation playing on his half of the screen. He tossed his controller to the couch next to him. A glance at Kane's screen and he knew they lost. Zombies were eating Kane's fins in the next two seconds.

"Ahh, I'm out of practice." Kane said falling back into the couch hard enough to make it poof.

"Same, dude." Their scores flashed on the screen, along with the ominous continue option.

"Wanna do another round?" Deacon asked. Kane considered for a moment before looking at the time.

"Nahh, I should get home." He stood up patting down his clothes.

"Alright." Deacon acknowledged. His mom being home really messed with the mood, even if she wasn't hanging around the room anymore. It sucked, but he couldn't really do anything about it.

Kane was picking up their trash and plates that had been accumulating on the table for the past couple of hours. Deacon followed him to the kitchen with his own handfuls of detritus to throw away. They were silent as they walked towards the front door. Kane hesitated in the doorway, just looking Deacon up and down.

"You need something there, dude?"

"Well, I was hoping for, you know, a goodbye kiss."

"Oh yeah?" The gator returned, a little seductively. Leaning into the taller man.

"Yeah." Deacon had to go up on his tiptoes to have their lips meet. It wasn't nearly as intense as their make out session on the couch earlier, but it felt just as nice, just as pleasant, just as real. Deacon pulled Kane close, hugging around his belly. Kane's own hands gripped his lower back, matching the embrace. For a moment they hung there more as one person than as two. Two friends, now boyfriends. Enjoying how the other's touch.

Again, it had to end. Much too early for what Deacon wanted. They split apart with a longing, hands lingering on arms and eyes drinking in their forms. Oblivious to anything else.

The hinges swung open as Deacon's dad walked in, startling all three individuals. Deacon took an impulsive step back and Kane rubbed the back of his head, suddenly admiring the ceiling. Sal's eyes passed between the young men.

"Son, Kane." Deacon cleared his throat, not entirely sure what Sal saw before they split apart.

"He- Hey, Dad. Welcome home." He said, keeping the shook down as well as possible.

"Hello, sir." Kane added with a little wave.

"Just enjoying the entryway?" The elder gator asked.

"Oh, Kane was just leaving. I was seeing him out." The words were a lot faster than Deacon wanted to say, but there was no taking it back now.

"Alright, lovely to see you Kane. Safe travels home." He quickly passed between the two heading into the interior proper. Deacon counted to five before he released the last of his air. Likewise, Kane was similarly relieved. Their eyes said it all. The two were giggling to themselves as they walked out into the light. Evening glow lit the sky. A couple of the stronger stars were already shining through the atmosphere.

"Well, umm, let me know when you get home?"

"Course." And after a moment, "Deacon?"

"Sup?"

"Are you going to tell them?" Deacon grimaced and looked across the lawn. It was an honest question, and it wasn't that he didn't want to. He was just scared.

"Sorry, I'm not trying to force you." Kane quickly apologized.

"No, it's a valid question." He admitted, rubbing down an eye. "It's just, you know."

"Yeah..."

"But," He looked down at his hand, the long fingers curling into a fist, "I want to, I just need to do it." Kane grabbed his fist with both hands, silently transferring some of that wonderful courage that seems to radiate from every one of his pores.

"I believe in you, Deacon. Whatever you decide"

The gator believed him, which in turn helped him believe in himself. If only a little. It was comforting, having someone else backing him up. Blue was right, he needed to open up about this. 'I should thank him again.' He mentally noted. 'God, was that only today!'

"How are you so awesome?" Deacon asked, smile returning to his face and voice.

"Oh, I'm not that awesome." He deflected.

"Don't even dare. I'm shutting that down right now." Kane smiled at the ground. "I mean it, dude. You are awesome."

"Alright. Alright." Kane said, waving his hand dismissively.

"No, no. Tell me you're awesome." Deacon insisted, refusing to let it go. 'Come on, Kane.' The rhino sighed.

"Ridiculous."

"Oh, I know I am. But what are you?"

"You serious?"

"Like the plague. Now what are you?" Kane's smile turned wry, years of teasing running their course. Kane knowing Deacon wouldn't stop and Deacon knowing Kane would relent eventually. Such as they were. The cracks were already showing. The way the corners of his eyes just folded more in his smile. The way his pursed lips just arched up more and more. The way he couldn't hold eye contact with Deacon for even a second. All the cute signs that Deacon has come to know and love about Kane. Eventually, he rolled his eyes, giving Deacon yet another victory.

"Alright. Alright. I'm awesome." He even added the fistpumps, as half assed as possible. But he did them anyway.

"Yeah, you are!" Deacon agreed, grinning wide enough to signal spaceships.

"Okay, I gotta go." He said, walking towards his car. Deacon just watched him leave, leave him alone, with just himself. A surge of panic came. He lurched forward, reaching towards him.

"Uh, Kane." His voice rose half an octave. The rhino turned around, same kind eyes. Same fond smile. "Um, thank you, for everything. You really are awesome." Deacon rubbed his neck.

Kane trotted back a few steps.

"If I'm awesome, you're spectacular." Deacon just snorted, he only felt really silly.

"Look, I just, I really needed help. I'm just grateful you were here to help me. Despite everything."

Kane crossed the few remaining steps over, and reached a hand out. Deacon took it without delay.

"Deacon, I realized something today."

"What?"

"I realized that, I realized that there are a lot of people that I'm close to, people I care deeply for." He looked up towards the darkening sky. Likely contemplating the color or tone. Assessing the world in a way that Deacon just didn't, it made Kane endlessly fascinating. Deacon often wondered how two people could grow up together and end up completely different. 'Just a fascinating part of life, I guess'

"And these people, I'd do anything for."

"I'm one of these people, right?" Kane didn't look at him, just shook his head at the stars.

"I thought you were the only one, but turns out that's not true. There's a lot I think I was wrong about, a lot you helped me to understand. I think I just needed help to get over myself, and you helped me do that. So, if anything, dude. I should be thanking you. You helped me move forward." Kane squeezed his hand. And kept looking up at the sky, stars continuing to wink into existence. Deacon saw how they reflected in his eyes. The gator followed his gaze, marveling at the beauty in the world. Ones in the sky and the one in his hand.

"Next step, huh."

"Yeah."

"Yeah."

"I love you, Deacon."

"I love you too, Kane."

......

Sal pulled back from the curtain, deciding he had invaded his son's privacy a bit too much. After their talk a few weeks ago, and oddly finding Kane in their house, he had a nagging feeling. Walking in on the two in the foyer gave him even more of an inkling. And just his son's general disposition the past fortnight had pretty much sealed it. But nothing like watching them hold hands in the front yard to banish all remaining doubts.

'Kids.' He thought, remembering what it was like to be young. 'Never again.'

Clara was humming in the kitchen, the love of his life. She was preparing dinner, a succulent sauce was already percolating on the stove top. Her magic hands whipped across the cutting board, surgical precision and sharpened knife in tow. Vegetables fell to pieces under her ministrations. A harsh scrapped rang out as the peppers and onion flew into the pot, crisp hot oil sizzling them to perfection. Sal could watch her cook for hours, and then eat her food for hours. With care she sprinkled salt, black pepper, and other seasonings that Sal never seemed to remember into her pots. Never forgetting to quickly taste to ensure balance and care.

She was an artist, the kitchen was her canvas.

He leaned against the entryway, legs crossed casually. Clara hadn't noticed him yet, and he wanted to keep it that way. The best shows were the ones where the actors performed to empty houses. She twirled, spun, and waltzed here and there. Painting their world with a myriad of smells. It floored him. He couldn't imagine a better time.

"Hey there, pretty lady." He said choosing to make his presence known. She looked to the side. Eyes wrinkling as she aged but keeping the spark and joy of life. One of her finest features.

"Hello there, scruffy man." He pulled her in, pecked her cheek, rubbed her back.

"Smells delicious." He said looking at the array on their stove top.

"Well, it's not ready yet." Lightly swatting his hand as he grabbed her tasting spoon.

"But, baby..."

"You can wait, it won't be long." He sighed in resignation, unwilling to interrupt her art.

"Fine, fine." He said, walking past her towards their dining room to set out plates.

"Did you know Kane was here?" She asked after him. Clanking porcelain and silverware sounded.

"I saw him in the foyer. D was just walking him out."

"Hmm..."

"Something up?"

"Well, just a feeling. He made cookies for him today, again."

"Oooh?" He knowingly called.

"And... Ah, maybe it's nothing."

"No, come on. Whatcha thinking?"

"Well, you know about these cookies. They're magic." She smirked at him.

"Mmhmm." Sal did know. The two of them got together over those cookies, the one and only thing Sal could cook halfway decently. He went through multiple batches before he was confident enough to give them to her. 'Ahh, to be young again.' She perfected the recipe, of course. And he learned to stay out of the kitchen. He couldn't hold a candle to her cooking powers.

"So you think there's something there, then?" He asked, still holding his cards close to his chest.

"I don't know, maybe. I don't think he's made those cookies for anyone else. Just a feeling I have." She mixed her pot of sauce as it thickened. Sal loved the ephemeral mist that swirled around her. The urge to come out and tell her was strong, but his commitment to letting Deacon be his own person was stronger. "Would be pretty romantic, right? Childhood friends becoming something more." She said.

"Tale as old as time." He responded. She sighed holding her sauce spoon down as she looked up into the middle distance. Sal slipped in behind her, planting petite kisses along her neck.

"What do you think?" She asked, looking over her shoulder.

"I think you're the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on." He growled into her ear.

"That is not what I meant." She said, batting his head lightly with her own.

"Doesn't make it less true."

"You never change." Her laugh was like music.

"You know you love me."

She sighed as long as the sea. However, she still spun around in his arms. Arms hugging around his neck. He couldn't help but stare into the gems that were her eyes. Remembering once again how lucky he was to have her.

"Yeah, I do."