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Part 10

I raced back home, not hitting a single red light or meeting another car on the empty side streets, and as I parked the car, I saw the living room was still alive with a flickering light. Mrs. Webb's television was on just as loud as always and I could feel the heat seeping from underneath the crack in her door while I stood in the hallway, desperately trying to breath slowly.

Each creak of the steps as I walked up brought about another wave of panic, and as I reached the apartment door, I was thinking so much that I was even asking myself why I was nervous at all. I kept flitting between thoughts, first asking myself if I was nervous because I'd kissed someone else, even though it was barely a kiss at all, and then I'd ask myself why it even mattered, because Brian had probably done the same.

I kept shooting down everything that floated through my head, because I knew it was all wrong, and even though I wanted the answer to be something familiar, and something I'd dealt with before, I knew I was only afraid because I didn't know how much more of this we could take.

My hand paused as I slid the key in the lock, and I wondered if he'd even be awake, or be home at that. I knew he would be, and I knew he would probably still be sitting on that couch, asking himself what he'd done wrong, but I was just so afraid to confront him that I was doing everything I could to stay on this side of the door.

Derrick had probably been right, as it seemed that everyone outside the situation always was, and if I ever wanted to truly be happy, I'd need to be spontaneous. I'd need to throw myself off a cliff merely on the whim that halfway down I'd learn to fly. It was just hard to overcome all the fears, and all the insecurities, and the sea of questions that seemed intent on making me drown. Right now, I was just standing on the edge of that cliff wondering if I even wanted to learn to fly, because if I didn't, at least I'd know exactly where I was headed.

It'd take a while for me to propose the idea, because I knew that life never really happened like it did in all the books I'd read as a kid. There was never this one person who showed you the game that was life, and showed you the way it was meant to be played, with all it's little exploits and hidden features.

Brian, and Meghan, and Derrick were the closest things I'd gotten to that cheat sheet, and even though I knew the answers now, it took a lot more than one fleeting thought to make me change myself, and my life, and everything I thought about it. But, that's all it really took; all I really needed was the proof that there was that answer out there, that there was a course of action, and as time went on, I'd be drawn closer to it because I was tired of running, and tired of making of excuses, and tired of being miserable.

I knew that tonight wouldn't be the night that changed my life, and I had the feeling that tomorrow wouldn't be that day either, but I guessed it'd come soon enough, because one day I'd realize that I was ready. The door opened with its usual eerie creak, and I felt a cascade of heavy air even though I knew I'd only imagined it.

He was sitting on the couch with a bored expression on his face, the only light in the room coming from the shifting images on the television. The sound was a low hum beneath the much louder rumble of Mrs. Webb's monstrous television, but I knew by his vacant expression that he only had the news on because he was hoping something interesting would pop on and pull him from his thoughts.

"I'm a moron," I said simply, and he gave me a weak smile as I bit the inside of my cheek cautiously, "and we really need to stop storming out on each other."

"I was thinking the same thing," he said with a forced chuckle, and I dropped my jacket on the floor as I walked up to him, wanting to hold him, but still afraid that he'd smell the beer on my breath and get angry.

I didn't care, because I knew if I didn't do it, I'd regret it, even if I did end up upsetting him in the end. I held the end of his muzzle in my outstretched hand and resisted the urge to start spewing my apologies, because the one thing I had learned from Derrick was that, past a certain point, words didn't mean anything compared to the things we did to back them up.

He stood and kissed me, completely ignoring the smell of beer as he dragged me into the bedroom, pushing me backwards onto the new bed. Even though I was exhausted, and he was confused, we both spent the next hour testing out the mattress, which he had taken the liberty of putting our old sheets on.

Perhaps I was over thinking everything like I always did, and perhaps I was merely trying to find a miraculous story hidden in my mundane life, but everything felt like it something to tell me, about us, and our past, and maybe even our future.

How was it that what we had and what we were just getting intermingled so perfectly? This mattress was new, and it had no history, and it was merely a clean slate, but it bore our past like it'd been with us through it all. Why I cared about a stupid mattress, I couldn't be sure, but it just made me feel that everything we owned, and everything we touched, had a story that complimented our own.

When we finally collapsed, and he pulled the covers over us, I looked at him with my eyelids half closed. The bed contoured to my sore muscles and my arm cradled him as he rest his head in the middle of my chest, our body heat warming us under the covers in ways that no radiator could.

Even though this wasn't the answer or the end to all our problems, I hoped it was at least the beginning, because it meant to me that we were aware that things were always going to go wrong and we could just fall back into our normal lives. Even if our normal lives revolved mostly around working and sleeping. I knew I'd had this revelation before, but this time it actually felt like it meant something.

The sound of his soft snoring lulled me into a calm, and the feeling of his slow breathing ruffling my chest fur rocked me to sleep, and I spent the night alone with him, not even a single dream interrupting my sleep. The cold in our room was warded away as we stayed warm under the covers, my arm around him even as I woke the next morning.

The next few days felt like they were spent in a forced calm that we both saw and we both acknowledged, but neither of us wanted to comment on. Even though we had spent the night together, completely happy, we fell back into our normal routine, just like nothing had happened. I already knew that I wasn't content with living like this.

We were both afraid to break the certainty of our silence, because we both thought the other would blow up at the slightest provocation and send us spiraling downwards again. We both wanted to be content with what he had, but we couldn't no matter how hard we tried.

I could feel myself drifting away slowly in my sea of furious thoughts, and he probably thought it was because I was just as lost as he was about which direction to go, but it was the opposite. I knew the problem we'd been having for years now, and I finally knew the answer, and I knew what I needed to do, but every time I was about to say something, I was overwhelmed and I continued to tell myself that I wasn't ready or that I didn't know what to say. I was just waiting for something, or someone, to give me the courage to do it, but I knew that it all came down to my faltering will.

I just became so consumed that I locked myself up inside my head, making up conversations in my head that I knew I would never have. I tried to think of what I wanted to say and how I could say it, all so I could steer the conversation in the right direction. It was all pointless, because Derrick was right; if I just told him that I wanted to move home, I'd have my answer if we still belonged together. I was just afraid that it wouldn't be the answer I wanted.

I wondered if it would all just meant I wanted to run away from everything because I thought the grass would be greener on the other side, or, rather, because there would be grass on the other side. Derrick said that there was a difference between running away and running home, but when I'd moved here with my mother, we had been running away. This was my home now, even if it didn't feel like it, or look like it, or smell like it, so wouldn't that just mean I was doing it all over again?

Perhaps this is why Derrick did things just for the sake of doing them; he didn't want to get caught up in all the questions, and clarifications, and semantics. But, if I just packed up and left with Brian, how would I know that we wouldn't have these exact same problems? Moving back home would make us more comfortable with each other, and our surroundings, but we weren't actually going back to our past. We'd still have all of our unspoken words hanging over our heads. Our unspoken agreements would likely fray and lose their meanings, and we'd have to work through everything again.

It all came down to the simple question: were we ready to do it all again? It could even be broken down and made into a smaller, simpler question: did we want to do it all again? When we held each other on the couch, or cuddled in bed, it felt like we did. But, even though we'd gotten everything in the open, it still felt all wrong, and I didn't know what to do other than prepare to jump.

I hadn't looked at Jack, or talked to Jack, or even thought about Jack in days because I didn't want to risk Brian getting frustrated again. I was sure Brian noticed that I was acting differently, but he didn't want to say anything about it either. In the end, we were both censoring everything we did, said, or even thought.

As I went through the days at work with Derrick, it wasn't nearly as awkward as I thought it would be, especially since he acted like it hadn't even happened. The part of my brain that I tried to keep hidden wondered if he had done it because he felt something, or if he had used the kiss solely as a teaching method. While the days went on and we got closer to the holidays, I pushed it so far back into my brain that it was starting to gather dust.

It wasn't until I was about to leave work on Christmas Eve that Derrick even brought it up, and it took me a minute to figure out what he was talking about. The day's insanity had wound down, and even though it hadn't been nearly as crowded as my first day, I was so exhausted I leaned on the broom as I swept underneath the tables.

"Do you have anything to say?" he asked as I stood up straight, having picked up one of our glasses that had somehow ended up underneath the booth. I placed the dirt covered glass on the table, wiping my hands on my shirt as I studied him, trying to figure out if I'd done something I should apologize for, or if he was just looking for me to wish him a Merry Christmas. He stood stock-still with his arms in front of his chest, no smile or frown to be seen.

"Merry Christmas?" I asked, continuing to sweep the trash from the floor into the dustpan, so I could get home and hopefully find enough courage to talk to Brian. I just knew that if I asked him to move, he'd want to know what brought about the sudden change of thought, and I didn't know what to say that didn't involve me telling him that my boss kissed me. I knew that eventually I wouldn't be able to hold it in without hating myself, so I was just biding my time.

"I take it that you haven't asked him yet?" he replied, and I shot a glance at him as I took the glass up to the counter to drop it in the bus tray with the other dirty dishes. I knew now that he was referring to me giving him my two weeks notice, so I could move far away and live happily ever after, but I didn't want to make that commitment yet, which was what bothered him.

"I'm just waiting for the right time," I said, not looking to make excuses that he could rebut or use his logic to untangle, "and it hasn't come yet."

"Fair enough," he said, but he didn't leave and go back to cleaning the counter, so I walked back to the broom, continuing to feel the dingy overhead light crush me as he continued to stare at my back, "and I just wanted to say thanks."

"For?" I asked, kneeling down so that I could sweep under the last booth. I heard the floorboards creak, and I looked back to see his feet planted adamantly behind me, but I just continued what I was doing, too sullen to fish myself out of despair and care about what he had to say. It turned out being a friend was a lot harder than I remembered it.

"You showed me that people don't always say what they mean, or act how they feel," he said weakly, and I looked back at his legs again as he fidgeted. I wasn't sure how or when I'd made him think that, but I listened between the strokes of the broom, "the day before you called me about the job, Joe had asked me to move in with him, but I turned him down. But I guess you got me thinking about applying my logic to my own life and I realized that I only turned him down before I was afraid of doing something that might actually make me happy for a change. He was only acting like he resented me because he didn't want me to feel bad about my own mistakes. I mean, he knows me so well that he knew I wouldn't worry about things I couldn't change. So, when you left the other night, I asked him if he wanted to try to get an apartment together. I mean, it's not like I'm getting any younger, right?"

He let out a soft chuckle, and I stopped what I was doing so I could look around the underside of the table, only to see crusted pieces of gum, or lint hidden in tight crevices, but none of it really registered. I really didn't know what to say as I just stayed there, on all fours, stunned by my thoughts. I didn't even have to try and I helped change his life, and help him do something he was too afraid to do.

I'd only met Meghan once, and she'd completely altered the course of my life. I knew that I was probably giving her more credit than she deserved, but I didn't care. I had been the one to try to change my life, and turn it around, and put it back on course, but without that small push she'd given me, I really didn't have any idea where I'd be. Perhaps I'd still be alone in my shower, asking myself why my life was so difficult, or perhaps I'd still be trying to cover up my feelings or act like they weren't important.

Ten minutes is all it had taken for my life to change, and one stupid little stuffed animal is all it'd taken for me to explore the very foundation of who I was, or what I wanted. It was humbling to think that without so much as a second thought, you could change someone's entire world, even if all it meant was sitting in a bar, talking to a friend about life.

"That's great," I muttered, pulling myself from under the table and standing at full height as I looked down at him with a distracted smile, "good for you."

"Go home," he said with a smirk, taking the broom from me and propping it against the wall. He hugged me carefully, patting my arm as he pulled away and I looked at him uncertainly, "the place looks clean enough, and you should get home to Brian, anyway. It's Christmas Eve; you deserve the rest of the night off."

I could only nod as I looked at the smile and the eyes that had questioned me since I first saw them. Grabbing my jacket from the back, I shook his hand one more time and disappeared into the cold, watching him wave at me through the shutting door. It had yet to snow and create the perfectly white Christmas, but I knew that there was still time for nature to work it's magic. It snowed almost every night, so tonight wouldn't be the exception.

All the lights in the building were off, and everything was silent; not even Mrs. Webb had left her television on like she always did. It was possible that she'd gone out to see family, since it was a holiday, but she never did that without giving us at least a weeks notice, just in case she didn't show up at home on time.

The living room was illuminated in a mixture of reds, and yellows, and greens, and blues, and just about every other color imaginable. As I walked into it and let the door shut behind me, I let a slow exhale escape my lips, but the sound seemed to fill the silent room. In the corner stood the Christmas tree we'd bought the first year we'd moved here, back when we still thought the snow was beautiful and quaint. It was covered with the ornaments that my mother had gotten me every year since I was born, and it even had the joke ornaments I'd gotten for Brian, back when I worked at the novelty store.

Everything had been cleaned, and put back where it belonged, all except Jack, who was sitting on the living room table, a small envelope nestled in front of his arms. After the initial shock that made me think Brian had left, I heard him snore rather loudly and I let out a relieved sigh. Pulling out the folded scrap of paper, I looked at Jack and the expressionless lips stitched across his face.

"Sorry you didn't get to help me put up the tree this year, at least you'll be able to help me take it down. Also, don't peek at the present, it isn't yours."

Folding the letter back up and placing it beside Jack, I searched the bottom of the tree, finding just one pristinely wrapped present resting beneath the lowest branches. There wasn't a name, or a label on it, and it wasn't even Christmas wrapping paper, but instead a metallic silver.

Stripping off my jacket, I hung it in its spot, almost worried that I might mess up the perfect way the room was set up. I dropped my shirt in the hamper by the bedroom door, and stood in the doorway, pulling off my pants as I looked over Brian, bunched up in the middle of the bed, the covers creeping down his side as he tossed and turned.

He'd never been very good at sleeping alone, but as soon as I touched the mattress, he would curl up against me, whether he was awake or not. It must have been unbearable for him to stay in that hotel room alone for all those days and all those restless nights must have seemed to go on forever.

Just like always, he rest his arm across my stomach and nuzzled his head into my chest the moment I got under the covers beside him. We'd changed so much, but all the little things I loved about him somehow managed to remained the same, like the way he missed me even when he was asleep, or how he tried to include me in everything even when I wasn't around. He knew that I'd always want to be there if I could, and he knew I'd always want to be with him, no matter what happened.

The next thing I saw was the morning light pushing it's way in through the curtains, and as my eyes followed the threads of light blearily, I found Brian still resting against my side. His eyes were open, though, and he was running his finger through the fur on my stomach, tracing down all the way to waistband of my underwear with an innocent look.

"Five more minutes," I grumbled playfully, stretching my arms behind my head with a yawn as I rubbed my face forcefully. I felt him move so that he was resting his head on the pillow beside me, and I turned to him with a tired grin. He kissed me softly and I chuckled before rolling over to press my face into his bare chest.

"We have presents to open, though," he said thoughtfully and I peeked at his frown, groaning to myself as I pulled myself up to yank the comforter off.

He took my hand and led me across the cold floorboards, sitting me down on the couch, even though I was freezing in just my boxers. I grabbed the blanket from behind me and stared intently at Brian, trying my hardest to ignore my heads yearning cries for sleep. Kneeling down, he picked up the present and held it out to me, so I took it, resting it on my lap.

"I thought you said this one wasn't mine?" I asked as he sat beside me, leaning against my side in the cold room, so I extended the blanket and wrapped it around the both of us.

"Well, I know you said not to buy presents this year since money was tight, but you never said anything about buying presents for Jack," he said, resting his hand on my thigh as I looked down at the present that I clasped with my shivering fingers, "and he can't open it, so I figured you wouldn't mind."

"You bought a present for a stuffed animal?" I asked, perking my eyebrow curiously as I kissed his forehead, a smirk stuck to my face. He ran his hand up and down my thigh, looking over to Jack as he sat on the table with his back to us.

I ran my claw underneath the tape slowly, prying it off before I pulled off the paper, only to find an unmarked brown box. Putting the wrappings on the table, I opened the box as Brian looked on from my shoulder. Inside was a small, stuffed bear; one whose fur was almost the same color as mine, but not quite the same shade. I was once again speechless as I took a deep breath in, feeling my eyes welled up a little.

"I was talking to Jack and he told me what it's like to feel lonely, so I went out and bought him a mate. I tried to find the loneliest one I could find, so they could be together, like us," he said, pulling Jack closer as I took the new stuffed bear out of the box and held him in my outstretched hand.

"You're talking to Jack, too, now?" I asked, letting out a shuttering laugh as my nose got runny, forcing me to breath slowly through my mouth. When I sat the bear beside Jack, Brian kissed my cheek before reaching out to hold my hand. All I could think to do was fall backwards into the couch and look at the two of them, knowing from the first second that they were perfect for each other, just like I'd felt about Brian and myself.

"Well, I've always thought that I was the crazier one in this relationship, so I figured if you're talking to him, I probably should be, too," he said, and I chuckled dryly, clearing my throat as I did so, "what do you want to call him?"

"How's Jeff sound?" I muttered, and he kissed my shoulder before we returned to a perfect tranquility, sitting on the couch staring at the two stuffed animals that were seeming to resemble us more and more.

"It sounds perfect," he said and I bit my lip, feeling a surge of confidence, and strength, and a limitless love for Brain as he sat with his arm wrapped around mine. We stayed like that for a long while, and I could feel the butterflies rising in my stomach as my lips urged me to talk, but my tongue glued itself to the roof of my mouth.

The moment before I knew my heart would stop beating, and my stomach would start churning, I pulled myself off the couch, and got down on one knee and looked at Brian deeply. I held his hand in mine, and watched the snow flutter around in shifting sheets in the world outside, and felt the cold floor beneath me, and the heavy air, and I prepared to do it. I prepared to ask him to do it all over with me; to start from scratch, and live our future over just like our past. And even as he looked at me with a stupid and confused look, I knew I wouldn't be able to stop myself if I tried.

"Brian," I started, forcing the first word from my straining throat with great difficulty, but I knew that once I'd taken that first step, nothing would seem quite as frightening, "what I'm about to do is incredibly stupid, and it'll make me so vulnerable, but I love you so much that I want to do it, anyway, even if it ruins everything. I want to be able to say that I tried and failed with honor."

I paused and took a deep breath, feeling my second thoughts pleading with me to stop what I was doing and make up something else to say. I couldn't believe I was actually doing it, and while he continued to look at me, my heart was beating with an inhuman speed, because I knew there was still a chance I could hit the bottom of the canyon and destroy everything I'd worked to fix.

"Derrick kissed me, but he only did it to show me how much I love you, and how much I need you, and how much I want to stay with you. Brian, I want to move home with you, or the East coast, or something. It'll be just the two of us. I don't care where, I just want to do it with you, so we can start over again, and get away from this cold."

He looked at me, too shocked to speak, and my heart felt like it'd stopped from the painful anticipation, and I panted liked I'd just ran a marathon as I waited for him to answer my question. I hoped he'd say yes. He had to say yes. I couldn't tell him any other way that I loved him and wanted to be together forever, just me and him. We wouldn't have to worry about my mother, or his parents, and maybe someday we could start our own family.

"Maybe I can go to a bar," he started. I just looked at him as my eyes stung, and my throat closed, and my hands shook. He didn't pull away, however, as he let out the brightest smile I'd ever seen, "and get drunk, and pick up a cute guy, and maybe he'll bring me home, and if all goes well, I can take him out for coffee in the morning."

I launched after him and he cringed away as I kissed his lips, and his cheeks, and his forehead, and just about anything else I could reach. I stopped and held him tightly, looking into his eyes, wishing there was something I could say to express exactly how I felt at that moment. After all the years, and all the trials, and tribulations, it felt like love couldn't possibly explain everything we'd been through, but at least it helped us understand everything we had felt about each other, and would ever feel about each other.

Perhaps I was a little bit crazy, having talked to a stuffed animal, and revolving my life around one person, but if I had been any other way, I had to wonder if my life would've ever made any sense.

Now that I looked back, I realized that my life was never really as difficult as I thought it was. Sometimes, I just got stuck thinking that it was a lot more difficult than it really was because I wanted to stop, and I wanted to give up instead of trying harder to fight for what it was I wanted out of my life.

The truth was that, sometimes, the hard questions like 'how can I be happy' could have an easy answer, and an answer that you knew all along. I knew the answer to my most painful question all along, but I just didn't want to see it, because I was too afraid to try, and I was too afraid to jump off the cliff and look like a moron. I suppose that, looking back, I also knew how to fly all along, I just didn't want to find out what leaving the ground felt like.

There wasn't anything wrong with fear, because I knew it was there for a reason. It made me consider the things I'd done wrong, and it made me consider the things that could happen, and it ultimately made me do the right thing. But, just like fear, strength and hardship were there for the same reason; to make you ready to fight for things you never thought you'd be able to overcome.

As I leaned over Brian on the couch, still kissing him like it was our first date all over again, I knew that nothing would ever be perfect and I knew we were far from the end of our problems, or our hardships. It was just that, now, I also knew that even if I couldn't achieve perfection, I shouldn't stop aiming for it, because eventually, I'd break even and things would only get better from there.

I was never as alone as I thought I was, because I'd always known that I'd have Brian in one way or anything. There was always someone out there, somewhere, thinking of you, and sometimes you don't really even know them. Occasionally, you'd meet people in your life that could change everything because they gave you that simple fleeting thought, or that kind gesture, or that hug that got you through the day.

I'd learned so much in the past few weeks, about love, and humility, and altruism. Our problems were never really as big as we thought they were. We just liked to bury ourselves in our despair because it felt so comfortable and familiar, but all you really needed to know was that the strength you need will come when you felt like you had nowhere left to run. Looking for it would only leave you lost with no sense of direction.

I guess the reason you'll never find a sign pointing you towards happiness is because no one really knows where it is, and the ones that have found it, can't really explain it.

To me, it meant being able to see the choices, and the problems, and everything that laid out on the horizon, but still knowing that I didn't have to be afraid, because when push came to shove, I'd be able to deal with it. And, even when I got lost under the avalanche, I knew that I'd still always have my memories and my lessons to push me along.

Sitting up, I looked around the room and I felt time begin to speed up, and Christmas Day went by in a haze of excited laughing. Before the night had even fallen, we were taking down the Christmas tree, boxing up every ornament carefully, each time reminding ourselves how they needed to survive the move. Sometimes I'd peek around the tree and see Brian's boyish grin as he thought that same thing I did; we were finally going back where we felt we belong.

The day after Christmas, we gave Mrs. Webb our one month notice that we were moving, and we cancelled our phones, and just about everything else we could think of to save money.

In between our shifts at work, we found the energy to pack things away in the boxes Brian had taken from work, and wrapped everything in the newspapers we were supposed to throw away for Mrs. Webb. The more we focused on stuffing boxes into the corner, and the more we thought about the beaches back home, the less we cared about the cold in our apartment and the more content we were to just put on more layers of clothing.

By the time I gave we gave our two weeks notice at work, we were already sitting on boxes in our barren apartment, eating ramen from paper bowls, hearing our laughter echo off the walls. Not once did our excitement falter as everything fell together, because by the start of the new year, we were already renting a one-room apartment back in our home town. It was small, but it was all we really needed to be happy.

Brian and I had shown up at my mother's house the day after Christmas, hoping to surprise her, because even though I was skeptical, I was confident enough that not even her negativity could ruin my mood. Much to my surprise, she congratulated us, and after a few hours of us telling her about the apartment we were looking at, we ended up leaving with a check that was more than enough to cover the security deposit, as well as the first month's rent and more. Brian and I agreed that she'd probably just given us the money because we were finally leaving, but we didn't care.

Derrick had talked to Joe for me, and even though the car was in pretty rough shape from being left in a garage all winter, he would be able to fix it for a price a lot cheaper than any of the repair shops had estimated. Everything was seeming to fall into place with an alarming rate, and if I hadn't known better than to question the tides of fate, I would have asked myself what was about to go wrong.

There was a bar hiring a few miles from our new apartment, and I called, giving Derrick as a reference. He must have said something right, because about three days later, I got a call asking when I could start.

When I was told that I'd be getting mostly night hours, Brian and I came to the agreement that he'd tried to find a night job if at all possible. I'd be the only one working for the first few months while he tried to find a decent retail job, but I'd be willing to put up with ramen for dinner everyday if it meant I got to eat it with Brian.

Before I knew it, I stood out in the freezing cold with my hammering heart, straining lungs, and shaking hands as I stared at everything we owned, packed neatly into the back of a truck. Brian reached out for my hand and gripped it tightly as his jaw unhinged in a way very similar to mine.

One of the movers pulled the back of the truck shut and I let out a shuttering breath, feeling like everything that happened in the last two years had led up to this one defining moment in our lives that explained everything we loved, and hated, and were deathly afraid of. I knew I'd probably end up with only fifty-one dollars and three cents to my name, but for some reason, it didn't seem like it mattered.

In the last two years, I'd experienced more of life than I had in all the years before, and now that I knew this was only the beginning, I got a feeling of giddy anticipation, wondering just what else I could learn about Brian, or about our life together. I wondered what other turns it could take, for better or for worse, and as Derrick patted my shoulder, I knew I was ready.

"Don't ever change, Kurt," he said and I turned to him with stunned amazement. The moving trucks engine rumbled into life and a blanket of exhaust poured out the back, covering our feet in what looked like a rolling fog.

"I'll try not to, but staring at road lines for that many hours is enough to drive you mad," I mumbled, his usual chuckle breaking my attention. He held out his hand professionally, but I pulled him into a back breaking hug as Brian got into his car.

"Good luck," he said to me as I fought the pain in my chest. I hadn't known him very long, or very well, but it hurt me to say goodbye, "try and call me sometime. Tell me how things are going."

"Will do," I called as he got into his car and started the engine. He pulled away, leaving me standing alone in the caked snow and I let out a final sigh, watching the cold turn my warm breath into a billowing plume. This was the last time I'd ever have to deal with the colder, harsher side of nature and I wondered if I'd ever miss it as I was sitting in my air condition apartment.

I walked over to his car and leaned into the window, kissing him softly as we both gave a nervous smile. I looked at Jeff as he sat in the passenger seat, on top of Brian's stacks of books, and I knew that Jack was sitting in my own car, amidst the ruffles of my sweatshirt.

"See you on the other side," I said with a chuckle, kissing him again before walking to my own car, pulling open the old and stubborn door.

As the snow began to fall, I looked at the slate gray sky with a frown. I knew I'd never really been one for winter, and I knew I especially didn't care for the snow, or the hail, or the way the snow clung to the rough bark of the evergreen trees, but as the wind blew the small little flakes into my face, I was all right.

I just told myself that it all wasn't so bad because eventually it'd be nothing more than a fanciful memory from some time, long ago, when I'd been stuck somewhere in between the arctic tundra and the picturesque place I'd always hoped this would be. Getting into my car, it roared into life before I followed Brian down the road, with the sun at my front and the snow at my back. At least I wouldn't have to shovel all of it in the morning.