Journals from BCT
Just transcribed to zeros and ones.
Felt like sharing..heh
06Nov2010
"Half right face! Front leaning rest position, move" cries once again, the ironic blessing and curse in one, the Drill Sergeant. I cannot begin to count the times I have thought of quitting, trying positively and too many other thoughts. I try to keep p myself motivated. I tell myself, "I am a good soldier," but at the same time, the unending doubt, continual reminders of my weakness com pared to others, and fear...
So very difficult just to keep afloat, so ironic that Drill Sgts always ask, "Did anyone get drafted? no? so you came voluntarily." So painful to hide, cover it u p and force a smile. I am beginning to forget who I am, who I was: Ephy, Ephemeral, Snow leopard, Paul...Instead I am becoming a PVT Kim, nothing more. I fear, I shiver every moment here of losing myself, of doubts and having wasted my time. I see all sorts of people here: "good" black guys, annoying black guys, Muslim black guy, Puerto Ricans, Russians... Feeling as if drowning in 2 feet of water. I am afraid Jase, I wish... to speak to you again, I miss the old days, young age when I never cared more than an hour in advance. The love, care and heartthrob music... I know I am going to cry when I go to Canada and finally give you a hug. I might end up hugging random guys by mistake....but...yeah. As much joy as the thoughts of him... just as much despair and doubt, reinforced by the pain in my limbs I don't know if I am, but at the same time... I have to. The unfair thoughts never leave me... why am I here, do I want to be ? can I even make it. I can feel myself getting stronger physically, but I am still so far blow the power curve... so pitiful, but I love him. Just...how many days, how much love, how much I miss my...everyone...me. I do hope every day, that I would end up a better man, a better soldier, lover and a father when this is all done. Each day feels at least ten times longer than the ones I used to spend at home... which makes me wonder, where is my home, who am I, where will I be, will I be deployed and die somewhere alone... before seeing Jason... So much pain, not enough gain. Everything iw ant to do, I cannot within any short period of time. My heart is, I guess...crumbling. I see other kids, getting letters, mi don't know who I am now, just...how to march, shoot an M16A4, Land navigate with a compass and a map... Whoever I end up becoming, I will never forget you Jason. Please stay, for that hug....
Love, Keith.
WED 10Nov2010
Today is the tenth...I think. Been losing track of time amongst the marching, obstacle courses, eating a meal in 2 minutes, and dealing with kids in my platoon. It feels awesome to work out though...every pt, I feel determined, even more so as the daily smoking stopped. I think I regained my focus. Tonight, I feel good, confident, and oddly energized as never before. I am liking this Army thing: as I had always said...once one figures out a goal for a road, just focusing on the goal and desiring it enough will make it come true. Although, on a sid note, my hatred of black people seem to be growing. Miller wont conform, or shut the hell up for more than a few minutes! The few and rare friendships I am forming is...very enjoyable. Sense of belonging, a degree of love... I suppose. This, all the pain, little wounds, coughing. I do for you, Jason. Hopefully some day, likely on Christmas break, I will ost all these up and a year from that, I will be crying, hugging Jason, the one lover, person, and hugger I'd sought my whole life. And it will be even better, I will b Keith hunt, a built Soldier, hugging a Jason Hunt. Ah how I tell myself daily, whenever my arms hurt, lungs burn and heart beats too fast, I tell to myself. "I'll survive, because I want to, because I have to, For Jason, for me, for Michael... I will fight through it." Nobody can know my experiences and feelings at the time, but these journals will , and do, relieve my heart. Quite more than few times I wanted to cry...and each time, I thought of you, my Lovely flamedramon...
13NOV2010
Just got done doing 30/60's (run thirty, walk a minute, 8 reps) Back two days, I stard at the sky, Ten a clock at night, pitch black atop Corrigador, the Land Navigation course. Seeing all those bright little stars in an inky black background...how I wished you were here with me, laying on my rifle, staring and loving the beautiful starlit sky in BCT. You are all that keeps me going Jason, please remember that now and forever. Every time my legs hurt, chest burns, back drips, arms shake and when we are being smoked for something retarded, I tell myself, "This is all for you Jason, so that I may see you and hug you, give you love you so deserve." Marching back 3 miles, ready to collapse, I kept going, your cute fac in my heart, just holding onto the fragment of you I hate. The memories, emails to be read in 34 days, your love, my better self... I can feel myself get better... Hopefully, I will be all that you dream of Jason. I love you Jason, all that I do now, all that I went through, go through...is all in your honor, my cute, horny Flamey.
Soon, oh so soon yet so far, I will come and remind you that I am here, and you, me. We will cry together, hug, eat a nice meal, stare at the sky atop a hill...
Thank you and good night Jason, love of my life.
Your Flamey/leopard,
Keith
15NOV2010
Odd how easily my mood fluctuates, probably an indicator of my weakness. Sometimes... I feel like a husk, walking around aimlessly. Drill Sergeant made fun of my lack of parents and how they just dumped my ass in the States. Even as I held back tears, laughed along, kept my mask on, inside...how empty I felt. Usually I keep the past, negativity and the like at bay...Very difficult, so very debilitating. It hurts, even as I try hard as I can. How I need you Jason.. what I would give for you now... This diary, my true self, love, sexual orientation, all hidden. Living emptily, for something simple yet so hard. This Army thing in itself is not so bad...just the constant reminders around me, of my misfortune, of what I do not have...is what really hurts. I try to convinced myself, even though I cannot do PT very well, my big heart...actually saved some people, made this world a better place, even by few people. That I gave something to this world, and most importantly, that I am worth something, worth being alive. Of course I know what you would say... that I am worth more than anything in this world. But Jason..not that many would agree. I am a U.S Army private, E1 lowest rank there is, is in poor physical and mental shape, have no money or family or lovers I can write letters to... I shed one or two invisible tears every time the platoon gets mail. I guess I am strong, but weak too... I cannot be losing arm wrestling to a 140 lbs guy. Heh...I know I am growing physically, but it feels like my psyche is crumbling away faster for being in the Army.
Whatever happens, unless I get deployed and die somewhere, I will make it. If only to see you one day.
Love you Jason.
Thakn you, as always, for your love, for your big heart
Your frail mate,
Ephy the Snow Leopard.
21nov
got 19:13 in the 2 mile run. Last male to come in. How sad if elt, Jase. Even as DS Williams complemented my integrity... emptiness and more sadness, ever so as the holidays near us. People talking of the things they will do once they return or Exodus:drink, smoke, fuck, rest, family... I want one really bad... someone to call my own, someone to hug and kiss, to whisper my love to... im touched by the comraderie forming, but even so somehow, I feel aloof... ever so surrounded by Battle Buddies, yet so alone. I think it's me, that I'm so used to being alone that I would not realize it even if you and I met... I'm sorry that I am so weak Jason, sorry I'm so... frail. But I promise, I will try my best and improve... Thanks hun, as bad as I feel... as pitiful as I feel tonight,, I will remember you, I'll live on, as thus far, to see you, to love you, and to kiss you at night. To one day, whisper into your soft ears, "I love you, my Flamey-kun." To love you, and eat sweet, soft and slow meals... to one day, run with you, roll on the grass, to pin you on a hilltop, and lick your nose playfully...ah the things we could do.. I Love you Jason, please be ok. Even as I cannot talk, touch, kiss, or hug you now. One day.
All this pain and sweat,
Just for that one day
I'll love you,
I'll make you mine...
Of course, our little rp's will continue... I'll hold you when your past haunts you, as I know you will me. I think we need to live far away, or at last, in the suburbs. God knows how loud my naughty little Flamey will be. Cute Jason... I smile each time I think of your cute, tired-looking face. Adorable curls.... Though its been forever since I'd last seen it, I can still picture it.
I need to finish painting and sleep hun...
Even though I am not talking to you right now, face-to-face, Thank you.
And I love you,
Good night, my little otter.
21~25Nov
A relaxing Jackson day. Like Sunday. Somehow more dreadful, like a memory looming behind m. trying to impove... doubts. Regrets. I don't know if I can ever improve before meeting you. For I believe I will recover once I feel loved... I feel so pitiful. Hopefully... I wont tomorrow. Trying to hold back the tears, oh so painful. Days fly by, yet each day feels a year long. Whatever feelings I have now, I know I love you without a doubt. Thank you.
Ah, thanksgiving. Nice, big slow dinner (15 minutes, which is eternity by Army Standards) fun times. It reminds me, every other holiday I've spent in America. I was crying. Crying out for you, for someone to understand, for someone to say, "you did well, you are a good person and you deserve to live." Also, the visit to the Chaplain was a waste of time. But then again... every Journal seems to be full of "I love you"s, but Jason, I really do. I think sometimes...what I would do if I returned, and you were hurt, gone or worse... I guess I might be down, what pieces left, irrevocably broken. But I know I will live on, husk or not. Just for that day, just to know I was, my life was, worth something. That what little help I rendered, helped somebody. I sure hope you will be there in about tree weeks. I know I will cry reading your emails. Because... as little of my heart remains, you hold all of it Jason. And for that, I thank you with my entire being. I dreamt today, you and me... Across a candlelit table, food and kisses. Love, some fun and...snuggling for hours. Me watching your cute otter face snore... there are so many things I don't know yet to do, have not done, or do not have, compared to everyone else. I keep myself going, always reminding myself of you. Your face, and love. As sad as I feel every night, staring at the beautiful stars. I know one day, you will share my vision, warmth and heart. For I know someone out there love sme. For I know I am strong, for that I need to stay and grow stronger.
For you
For Jason the Flamedramon, Aka the horny little femboi mon.
For my love, first, only, and last
-Ephy, the snow leopard pulling Fireguard duty at 3:34 AM.
27 Nov
Saturday. Sunday tomorrow. Happy day, yet not so. I can still feel it all, doubt pain, memories. I've resolved to try and think positively, to live and try, for you, and for me. Ah but its sad...cuz I know, come Tuesday... I try so hard, I stare at the cute, hot-and-able bodied guys and wonder, did they work this hard? Because I know, our bodies and childhoods differ radically: they ran around and exercised, I sat in front of a desk or a computer. I regret it. Because here, being smart is not worth anything. Being physically fit is more of a pus, and im just...so much weaker than everyone else. How i... hate myself, my past and my frail body and mind. They are durable, but nowhere near strong. My heart is... like a broken vase, put back together by duct tape. Restraint, squeezing ever more... so empty feeling, this accursed ever-present sorrow that lives in my heart. So disappointed. I wish to try, I try... yet the results are nowhere satisfying. If there are any. So sore...so bored and empty. I daydream in formation, chow line, wherever I stand there...about you. Me. Having fun. A lovely dinner...me having fun with you on the tabl...rubbing and licking till you beg....moment we become one truly... ah...I love you so much Jason. After we meet though... I think my naughty flamey will be busy...hehe
(journals since then till this date have been... misplaced.
28 Nov
As much as I say it Jason, I love you so much. Today I was daydreaming in Formation. You would get off the plane, out the terminal, I would grab you and drag you to the nearest bathroom, grab a stall and kiss you hard.... Then I would carry you to the baggage claim, grab your stuff and go to a nice hotel. Id throw you on the bed, pounce, and hug you.... Of course, I wouldn't let you go for hours, and I would share my past, unload the weights on my heart...whispering words of love, pain and strength. If we got hungry, I doubt we will with you in my arms, we would eventually go for a nice meal, order and eat a nice, big steak while smiling so stupidly people would stare. We would get back and...hehe probably play like two horny flamies. Then...when we are all tired and slumber comes, I would...cry on your chest, listening to your big, warm heart. Telling you of the things that happened here. How difficult it was to try, even with a shattered heart, when everything, everyone reminded of the things I do not have. I I cried every mail and phone call day. How I wished you were in my cold bed. How pathetic I felt. Above all, how determined I was to make it. If only to see and speak to you once. My whole body hurts. Jenkins have been working me pretty hard. On that note... I wonder if you would forgive me...for looking at all the hot guys, positively falling for Jenkins and for doubting your love and contemplating ending it sometimes... Either way I love you for all you have done, and will do... For keeping a piece of you inside me , as you do me...pretty soon Jason, love of my life. I will be inside you, not just a part, but whole of me. Then we will be one, as meant to be. You would be inside me too, if my cute flamey behaves...!
29 Nov
Love yah un... tomorrow I go on the 5 mi march. I miss you a lot, but I imagine our days together. Lovely breakfast, loving on the table, kissing and nibbling on your ears... Always whispering words of sweet, honey love into your ears till it overflows. Thank you. I know your heart will help me tomorrow and forever. Having you in my heart is such a morale booster, suffice to say. Very time I daydream of our time together, I get chills and a warmth spreads through me. How happy... Only if I could tell you, show you how much you meant to me. Soon as I can support the two of us, our lives will be wonderful. I would wake up to your cute face on my chest every day, make you breakfast...even as I never had it, I miss it. Having a lover and such...being loved. Perhaps I am depressing myself. I've been singing to myself all day, trying to get better. But knowing lyrics to only 2 songs wont help much eh, As my DS says though, I want, want, want. I have to stop wanting and stop doing. I am still debating ROTC heavily tho...cuz as much as I wish to stay and be home with you Jason, I need the education to find a stable platform. At the same time... I don't want to be deployed and killed off, before being able to see you. Oh what can i... should I do? Only if I could ask you this lying on your chest... As I said though... I will probably cry a whole lot the first night together. To tell you of my life, and listen to yours... Its just... I don't want to be away from you after we meet...but I also want to succeed. Use my potential I know I have, and change the world for the better. Make people remember us. How I did such and such, because of a loving, horny little flamey. And how, even through countless trials we made it with nothing but each other. The drama that took place... Ya know, our lives would make a badass book... so uncommon, love so rare. I can say now, without a doubt, that even as I would save and aid to any of my Battle Buddies, I would not take a bullet for them. For even as Heros do so, I would rather be the live coward, sharing one more moment with someone I have searched for my whole life. Of course for you, I would take anything..... Again, Jason the Flamedramon, I cannot recall how exactly we met, but thank you. Remain in my heart today, for I will endure anything with you. I love you, be safe -Keith
30Nov
Done with the march. Only 8 and ten to go. It was not as hard as I thought, I was singing the whole time... We got like hundred mails for the platoon, of course, none are mine. Even as I am trying so hard, writing shit down, trying to stay positive. Significant others, family. Everyone has a lot of the things that I don't, and wont for a while. Feels so ... pitiful, being so weak, much less. I guess I am strong in an odd way...but im weak in most. In any case, I may be durable but I need you Jason, really bad. How much my being hurts, how my heart beats for you, every ste p of the foot march. How afraid I am of the pt test...trials... Every minute, every breath, I see things... peo ple more fortunate than I. money, physique, love... Something.
Even as I know I will get them with time... reminders just hurt me more. Ah seems like I am bitching all the time huh. I just don't want to die somewhere without having felt those feelings. I have so many things yet to do... to do all the things everyone else has done, and to do the things they had done while I catch u p, to make the common mistakes peo ple make. As we left the CA, I saw a sunrise. Quite beautiful... like you, Jason. How I imagined, you and me hiking a few miles. cam ping fishing. Loving. And I know one day, we will. Why does it matter I guess....one day I will die. It's just that, before I have to, I want to show you love, know love and..cry. I feel so foul now, so many dumb people in here... so much trouble I get into, even as I was in no way part of it. I find it so hard to care, too...distressed, to care. You know Jason... I need a purpose in life. Other than to see you of course... I miss you Jason, I'm sorry for being...me, I guess. I still doubt you would like me when you saw me...we will see huh. How annoying....all I can do is endure, wait...and wait. helpless in everything.
In any case,
Good night Jason.
01 Dec 2010
Hey Jason. It feels so odd and pathetic. I cant seem to run... I call myself Ephy the snow leopard, Ephy the Flamedramon, both of which can run reallllllllly good. The lies that cover me are being undone. Someday you and I will lie down on a big, soft bed. And we will s peak. S peak of the hard times, good times to be made, and how we both endured, despite limiting circumstances. Personally, I don't think I would have survived as you did for so long and still be able to love so much that I could save a dying soul and bring it to light. To love that broken person and to show him how, why, and where of life. To pour myself into him that he, who's avoided physical activity all his life, would become an American soldier. For that and so many more things, I thank you Jason, my soulmate. I thank you for the time, love and healing. Hopefully, my few hippocratic words i have told you when you were down helved. I enjoy it here, even as my body is weaker, my mind is strong. And it is with that belief, I live on. I accept me for me, and I know I will improve. So very soon, oh so soon. In but 15 days, I will speak to you, read all your emails, Thanks again my Flamey, I will pay you back, I swear. I will im prove and become the Flamdramon you think me to be, if not more. It's for you that I live, for you I sweat, shoot and breathe. I sometimes think of Nathan...his stories, his voice. I miss him, and I forgive him...even as the scar will remain forever, we are all human. I've been too weak, but no more. And it is all because of you.
Love you Jason hunt.
-Keith
03Dec2010
Exodus approaches. 13 days and a wakeup and some lonely travel till I can s peak to you. Ive thought about a great many things. Main being what to do after basic. Going Active duty is also an option, but I don't know how you would feel about that... and besides, I want to meet and have a few years with you before I need to go to war and die. I need to know. How to love, how to be loved. I'm afraid Jason. Things in North Korea are escalating, and we are now going to war in Afghanistan.... I do not want to die somewhere alone, having never had a chance to speak to you, and tell you how much you mean to me. Fears aside tho, I think I am becoming stronger. I banged through the march with 225 lbs, am shirking less and less from other difficulties, etc. Just wish I had a normal childhood like everyone else. Much more difficult to catch up to the power curve if I am way below it. Regardless, as I promised, my cute Perce, I will get through everything if it means a reunion with my mate. Just to be with you one night, few hours to spill my heart, to listen to yours, and snuggle. Your strong heartbeat will be my music as I drift into the void. I would b content. Even after lifetime of painful memories, just a good, long night.... I miss you, as I do very waking moment. Thanks for empowering me, for taping my heart back together. For loving a worthless, broken soul. I will pay you back somehow. I know I will. Even if I have to kill everyone on earth.. I will be with you one day. To show, love, whisper and snuggle. Sweet dreams my cute otter, your kitten needs to sleep after a long, very cold shower.
-Your forever leopard, Ephy.
04DEC2010
Hey hun, I did AGR today. Fun. I know I improved. Thirty minuets of straight running... One day soon, I will become the dream leopard, I will pick you up, spin you around, laughing....and kiss you. It's not that bad here, just gotta have a positive mindset. After every PT I feel so... exhilarated. You are an amazing mate Jason, ya know that, you horny little flamey? You will see all this soon, in 12 days. When I come to visit you, I will hug you hard enough o leave bruises, then kiss them better.... Love ya hun... hope you are all right tonight. You have no idea how many nights I spend, afraid you would be hurt or worse...and I wouldn't, couldn't be there for you... I worry every minute.... That I would check my email and see a goodbye..or worse. O how I treasure my cute, wittle ottah....if I could I would run over to Canada and hug you, but I cant run for shit...so... >.< Because you deserve it. Because you are the other piece of puzzle. Your big, warm heart sustains mine. I thought of what to name our child today...for we will have one... I considered Paul, Andrew, Jake... But I know, whatever his name, he will be the most athletic, smart , and outgoing kid in the world. He will learn to deal with pain. Learn to fight through it, learn never to give up, to fight for what he believes in. I can just imagine....ah...and all the things you and I missed out on, he will enjoy. He will have parents, family, integrity, a big heart, good body, and brains.... I love you so much Jason, I cant stop daydreaming of our future....I will talk to you tomorrow night hun...
-Keith
14DEC
Hey hun. Just a last ten mile march left. Then....back home to you... At least, I imagine so. You've no idea how much I miss you...every day, its like a slow, arduous torture. For I know, even when I go back, you wont be there to welcome me, snuggle with me, or enjoy the holidays with me. For I know, it will be my birthday and ill spend most of it waiting for the bus. Even knowing you love me...does little to relieve my lonliness or my tight, sad little heart. I feel a bit more confident, yet so filled with doubt, worry and... I heard a comedian today, talking of how his brother killed himself. It reminded me of how I felt, sometimes still feel. I worry that I would do it if you weren't there when I got back. I try to imagine our happy days together, but it is hard to imagine what you'd never experienced. I miss you, I love you, I pray you were next to me every moment. Every night I stand and wait for motor move, weather freezing... I drive on, holding onto what little I have. Barely, oh so barely substantial heart. Even so, my heart flutters and weeps. Crying for a companion through the trials of life. Sometimes... I don't know, im tired, sore, hungry all the time. Feeling weaker than everyone else all the time, and I AM, is the worst part. I love you Jason, every time I shiver in this accursed weather, I think of you. Keeping me warm with your own body, big heart. Oftentimes, I hate myself, dumb comments and how stupid I am becoming. I need college...to keep up what knowledge, intellect I had collected. I need a life, car...and most of all, I need you. To hold me when I cry, feel weak or give up. To know, I am not doing this alone, to know someone cares, despite my lack of mail. To know you are there.
To know, I love you Jason Hunt.
-Keith Hunt
16DEC2010
in 40 hours, I will be home, writing these journals online, reading your emails, hopefully, none are bad news. I will no longer miss you as much, and feel better, knowing I was strong enough to survive one of the toughest trials one can volunteer for. It's still cold, but I like it here. it isn't so bad, only if it had a cute wittle ottah to snuggle with a fuzzy leopard. I've dreamt so much of what I will do to you once I meet you. Grope you a little and carry you to the bed, while keeping you in a kiss...licking and nibbling on your soft, tasty nose and lips. Then I'd lay you down, massage every part of your body, memorize them...and smile while you shiver. Lean down and slurp at my prize...nibble and suckle, giggling... I would keep teasing you for for ...at least half an hour. I would take you, hard yet gentle...watching you squirt like a horny teen pup. I'd then kiss you as I mark you as mine...two of us finally becoming one. After that...we will snuggle, still together, and sleep. Await the beautiful sunrise that will welcome us to yet another joyous day together, forever. Even if I must go before you, I will always be in your heart. You've given me strength to do a great many things I thought was beyond me, to survive and love. I just feel really odd, I cannot seem to forget Nathan. I keep wondering, why, was I not good enough? Only thought I can have...is that h was young, just as I was a bad choice for a mate. I cried today, realizing once again, my holiday and birthday will go uncelebrated. But I keep that hope in my mind, that in a year or two, you would be there to wish me a merry Christmas. And of course, I will be there to have my Christmas covered in chocolate...moaning out helplessly as his evil mate cuffs, licks and rubs him all over. Oh the thoughts, how I love you, so much it's probably unhealthy. Nevertheless, I think of you constantly, two flamies rolling in bed. I cannot wait. Just 4 more chows, and I will be home... even though home won't have you to welcome me with kisses, I know that you would, if you could. Ooo damn, the number of stories I will have to write... but then again, most of them will contain you. It's...peaceful, fun even, in BCT. I plan on encouraging my kid to join as well. And Jason? Can I ask you... a favor? To raise Jacob with love and memories of me...if I don't make it for some reason or another. I want..a remnant of us, but better. Physically fit, mentally strong child that embodies knowledge and wisdom from me (ha!) love and compassion from you... so that he may be the beacon of hope for the lost ships in the sea of unforgiving life. I'm sorry, but I just felt like talking about that. In any case Jason, I love you with all my heart, soul, sore muscles, shaved head, snazzy-looking Class A's, and tummy. Thank you for all you have done, knowingly or not. I'll never forget you, I'll always live for you, and most of all, I'll always love you.
Your Soldier-to-be Leopard mate,
-Keith, Ephemeral Dreams
p.s: Sometimes I think of...doing things to Nathan and Alex. Hope you can forgive me Jason. But...well his claw, albeit ignorant of it, ran deep. I guess I'll never know what I'll do till I meet him huh. Knowing me, it will probably be a shove or two....
17DEC2010
My birthday, whoo! Time to go to airport 12 hours for my flight... soon, oh so soon, I will talk to you and reconnect. Cuz i... miss you ever so much. I will be there soon, with many Monsters, Candy and love. I'll write and upload all these, and few stories for you... I love you Jason, wish me luck, In case I don't make it for some stupid reason, I love you, and hope all these tear-stained memories help you. To help you survive and become strong, to raise our child, someone that would carry our legacies.... Bye hun, I will talk to you within 48 hours.
Love, Keith.
please excuse random spacing errors around the letter p. laptop key dont work so i have to copy and paste a p from on screen keyboard and use it. it causes some errors in Word.
Enjoy
-Ephy