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It's an early winter this year, so it snowed before I reached town.

I think heard of this place before. A small town by a mountain range that doesn't show up on most maps, antique buildings with lampposts dotting the street and streets and parks, and things that you can just take endless pictures of. This reminds me of all the places I looked up when I was sixteen, back when I planned to live in places like these. I'm almost surprised I hadn't heard of this place before because it was a small sleepy town deep in the forest and isolated from the rest of the world, which was everything I wanted. The sites I looked up about this place all say that this town looks pretty in the winter, and that was a great bonus. Looking around me now, I definitely would've loved this town when I was younger.

The place is busy, too, at least based on how small towns usually are from experience. From the bus stop to the streets, all of them are filled with people. Kids are playing around the snow, waddling so they can get around. Adults are chatting and laughing, and some of them are placing wreaths and other decorations on trees and lampposts. There are even more people when I reach the park, too. Every bench is occupied and I walk past a lot of people on the way, and there are people decorating the place, putting wreaths around benches and bushes, and putting mistletoe on the pavilion. It's rather early for Christmas, but I guess in a small town, there's just so much you can do.

It snows again, and I could hear the children squealing above the chatter and the music. They run around, chasing the snow and catching them with either their hands or their tongues. The sight makes me smile, and I stick my tongue out. A snowflake lands on my tongue and I close my mouth to taste it. I chuckle at the small chill, and at myself, too.

I would've given a lot to move here when I was sixteen. It probably would've been one of the many things that I put so much effort into and then gave up on when I see just how much work I had to put in. It would hurt, but that never stopped me from making plans, though. I remember having plans with some of my friends to live in the same house too, so we could afford a decent-sized one together. This town would be one of many that we would've considered because it just fits the bill too much. That never came true, but I guess it came true one way or another because one of them ended up here.

At the other end of the park is a river that cuts through the town. There's a small bridge there that leads further downtown. I recognize the deep reds and faded browns from the pictures, and I know that's where I'm supposed to go. I pick up the pace and adjust my clothes as I get closer. There aren't many people there, so I see who I'm looking for. There's a retriever right beside the railing of the bridge, typing something on her phone. Her ears perk up when I get closer and she looks up. She smiles when she sees me.

"Hey," she says. "Dan?"

I nod. "That's me."

"Great to see you in person." She brushes off her coat and offers me her hand. "I'm Kylie. For formalities' sake."

"It's great to meet you, too." I shake her hand. Her grip was more firm than I expected. "Thanks for doing this, by the way. Hope it's not too much trouble."

"Don't worry about it. It's about time something good came out of my non-work burner email. I kept it up for Jacob, and all I ever got were spam emails, so seeing yours was a sign that maybe things aren't so bad."

That gets me to laugh. "Glad to be that guy."

"It's a blessing, really. Anyway, should we go?"

I nod. "Yeah. We should."

The bridge is small, but it's wide enough for a two-lane road and sidewalks. My hand brushes some snow that built up on the rail and I push them aside to see the wood underneath. It looks sturdy but has been worn from being in the elements for too long. There's reinforcing steel around the railings, too, so I guess they didn't want to replace the wood to preserve its authenticity. Knowing the people here are on that side of the dilemma makes me reconsider wanting to be here. I look down the bridge to find a frozen river below.

"So," Kylie says. "How long have you known Jacob for?"

"Ever since I was six or seven," I say. "My parents said that we were friends ever since we were four, but I don't remember that."

"Yeah. A lotta people I know say that they don't remember much that far back. Like, they just woke up and they were seven. But it's pretty nice to think about if you ask me. You feel like you wake up in this world and you already have a friend."

"It does feel that way, yeah."

Kylie nods at that. "What was he like back then? He doesn't talk about it much."

"He's a social butterfly," I say. "Extroverted, outgoing, friendly. He's like that popular guy in high school who's the reason that us introverts had a social life in the first place."

"Really? Jacob's like that?"

The genuine look of surprise on her face puts some worries at the back of my head, but I ignore them. "Yeah. A lot of people I know knew each other because of him. Why?"

"Well," Kylie scratches the back of her neck. "The Jacob we met... he's pretty antisocial is what I got from him. But not full-on introvert. Turns out he just needs a little push or else he'll be stuck inside his house all day. He does know how to talk to people, but I feel like he's just forcing himself to talk to strangers."

"Ah... That explains some things."

"Like how you had to contact me to get a hold of Jacob?"

I nod. "That too."

"Yeah, we tried to get him to get a new email or socials or anything, really. It's been going on for quite a while now, but it never goes anywhere. We asked him why and he kept saying that he wanted to leave his old life behind or something like that. We were never convinced by that, but ignoring us is a pretty great alternative, it turns out."

I look at the river again, then at the bridge, where there aren't many people. All the people are behind me and I can see some at the opposite end of the bridge. I've never seen or known this place, and I never would've known about this place if I hadn't seen Jacob in a post from this town. I've talked with some of my friends from college every now and then, and none of them seem to know where Jacob went, either.

"But hey, if you sing onstage for a town event and you pull it off, you're gonna get posted online," Kylie says. "So there goes his plan."

"Still not a great planner, huh?" I say.

"Nope."

The bridge leads to the neighborhood. While the town proper is fairly antique, the neighborhood is more modern. At least that's what it looks like, with the cookie-cutter houses from here until the end of the street. It has some stylistic choices that follow the spirit of the town, so I'll give it that. Other than that, there's nothing much here aside from kids playing in the snow and adults shoveling their lawns. It reminds me of my hometown even though it looks nothing like it.

"By the way," I say. "If it's okay to ask, how'd you meet Jacob?"

"It's fine," Kylie says. "I met him when I noticed that someone was in the house that's been empty for quite a few years now. I'm gonna be honest, I thought it was a squatter, so I went there ready to help or fight or both. Then Jacob showed up, and he had to explain that he bought the house a few weeks back. And by explain, I mean he wouldn't say anything for the longest time until I brought it up. Then I invited him to dinner and he accepted. Guess who talked most of the time?"

I don't know what to say to that, so what comes out of my mouth is, "Wow."

"Yup. So I was surprised when you said he was an extrovert because some things don't fit, you know?."

"Same here," I say. "He was never like that back then. He would've been the first guy you noticed."

"Okay, that's too many surprises for today." Kylie shakes her head. "But, in all seriousness, it'd be great to see the Jacob you knew. He's still a great guy now; he just needs to lighten up a bit. But I'm pretty sure he'd appreciate you coming to see him. He says he's lonely every now and then so I'm sure it'll lift his spirits when he knows that an old friend remembers him and came to visit."

"Yeah."

I think back to two days ago, how I got the whim to come here because it wouldn't leave my head. And that happened because I thought that a one-night stand with a stripper and pouring my heart out to him a week later was a great idea. After that, I couldn't stop thinking about Jacob, so I came over here. That's not to say that I didn't think about him, but I wouldn't tell him or Kylie why I came here. Or if I would've come here at all if it wasn't for that.

We walk for another minute or two, and I see the same house over and over. Just as I think that we're about to go forever, Kylie stops. "We're here," she says.

She looks to her left and I follow her gaze. I don't know what I was expecting. The house is just the same as every other house I've seen. The only thing that separates it from the other house is that the driveway is clear of snow. I guess I expected... more.

"Anyway, sorry to cut this short," Kylie speaks up, "but I'm on borrowed time here. I have somewhere else to be in thirty minutes and this is very important. I would've cleared my schedule for this, but you were kind of short notice."

I nod at that. "Oh, of course. I understand. Thanks for bringing me here, Kylie."

"No problem." She nods back, smiling. I smile at her again before I walk to the house, but Kylie stops me. "Wait, hold on. Jacob keeps insisting on this for some reason, but he keeps the door open, so you can just walk in if you want to."

"He still does that?"

"He used to do that before?"

I nod. "Back in college."

Kylie gives a slow nod. I find an odd sense of nostalgia in the incredulous, disappointed look on her face. "He can do that here, but anywhere else? I'm surprised he hasn't been mugged yet."

"Surprise."

"That I am. Anyway, I need to go now."

"All right, then. Bye."

I watch as Kylie walks back the way we came from. It feels colder now that she's left, and this town has gotten much bigger, too. I turn to the house and I realize just how alone I am here in front of the house I don't know in a town I've never been in. Just the thought makes me feel so small, and I feel smaller knowing who this house belongs to. I wonder if it'd be better if I see him again, or if it would just make me run away.

Either way, I make my way up to his door. I got there much faster than I would've liked, and now I'm standing in the doorway, feeling very unprepared even if there's nothing there to prepare for. I stare at the door, take a deep breath, and reach for the doorknob. Then I stop and knock on the door.

"Come in. Door's open."

I freeze. I never knew how much I missed his voice until I heard it. His voice is exactly how I remembered it, but it still sounds different from his voice in my head. His voice sounds more tired than I remember, more fed up. But it's still him, and I can't help the smile on my face when I hear it. That gives me the confidence to reach for the handle and open the door.

In front of me stands a hyena I haven't seen in quite a while. He looks... different. I don't notice it at first, but the more I look, the more I see it. His shirt looks tighter around the shoulders, his fur is more well-kept, and I don't see that sparkle in his eyes anymore. The sight of him takes me back so much, to those times when it took forever for me to open the door. He would go and reach out to it, but I opened it before he could. Then this lopsided grin would break on his face and he'd ask me things like how my day was or whatever it was that brought me there, arm around my shoulder and everything. Now he just looks confused, and his movements are stiff, like his guard is up.

He doesn't speak up, so I smile and wave. "Hey, Jacob. It's been a while."

It takes a moment, but he responds. "Hey, Danny."

I scratch the back of my neck. I haven't been here for a minute and I already want to jump out the window. Jacob was usually the one to start conversations and lead them. I usually just tag along because that's what I was more comfortable with. It turns out that feeling stuck, even if Jacob has changed so much.

"So... long time no see, huh?"

Jacob nods. "It's been a while."

"That it has." My gaze wanders to the shelves beside the door. "How are you holding up?"

"I'm managing. At the end of the day, that's what matters, right?"

"I guess it does."

Jacob looks at me, so I fix my clothes and clear my throat.

"You still do this?" I point at the door with my thumb. "Keeping the door open?"

"Yeah," he says.

"Don't you think someone might mug you here? We're not in college anymore."

He waves me off. "Everyone knows everyone else here, so no one's gonna be stupid enough to try."

"You have a lot of trust already."

"None of them broke my trust. I think I can leave the door unlocked here."

He looks at me and I look away, scratching the back of my neck. "I'm not... interrupting anything here, am I?"

Jacob shook his head. "You're not. The door's open, so you can come in anytime."

That brings a small smile back on my face. I guess some things don't change, and I'm glad that it's that.

"Did Kylie bring you here?" Jacob asks.

"Yeah. I found you through her, 'cause you don't have an online presence."

"I know. Should've known this was gonna happen." Jacob rubs his snout, sighing. "She always wants me to get outside any chance she gets. I bet she's real excited around now she got you to me."

"Well, you could say it's for a noble cause."

"I guess so."

There was another lull in the conversation. I clear my throat and point to my back with my thumb. "Wanna fulfill her wishes and take a walk with me?"

Jacob looks behind me, stares, then he finally nods. "Sure."

---

Jacob always had a thing for places he found by walking around and being curious enough. It took him to a lot of interesting places and he'd bring me along with him. It never failed to amaze me, the places he found, and we had a lot of free time together. I guess it never left him, because we're somewhere secluded. Well, as secluded as a town as small as this one could afford, anyway. We're somewhere in the forest, on a path that probably hasn't seen many people, and a river beside me. Guess you can take the kid out of the adventure, but you can't take the adventure out of the kid.

I wish that it wasn't the only thing that stayed with Jacob, though. Growing up, Jacob was the social butterfly between the two of us, and I could never compare to that now even if I tried. He was loud and friendly and always had a smile on his face all the time, and being friends with him until high school was what brought me out of my shell. The Jacob I knew in high school would have us walk downtown before going here when he knew he wanted me to be alone. Now, he hasn't said a word ever since he walked out the door. The only things I can hear are the wind and the leaves. I hate it.

Part of me is itching to go somewhere else because the silence makes me want to leave Jacob's side, even if it means keeping five feet away from him all the time. And the way he has his head down and slouched so much tells me that he probably feels the same thing, too. I look away at the river, hoping there's something interesting there for an alibi.

"So," I finally speak up. "How's our time apart been treating you?"

"Pretty good," he says.

When he doesn't continue, I clear my throat. "Care to elaborate on that?"

"It's pretty complicated."

"We have all the time in the world."

"Obviously. You're here, after all."

I give him a look. "What is that supposed to mean?"

The hyena shrugs. "This town isn't something you go to for a weekend. You're gonna have to go your fucking way to get here, so you must've had all the time in the world."

"Oh...well, yeah. I guess you could say that. So I guess you can humor me here."

Jacob sighs. "It's not that interesting."

"I didn't come here for interesting. I came here for you."

"You have a way with words." He smiles, then he shakes his head. "Well, it could be worse."

"That's not good."

"Didn't say it was shit. But I didn't say it wasn't, either, so..." Jacob shrugs.

"What happened?"

"Stuff. Shit got pretty bad. Things didn't work out, bridges were burned, figured out therapy was great but too expensive. Something something tragic backstory, and now I live in a house that most people probably can't afford today. And it's in a nice town away from the rest of the world, so all in all, life is just peachy."

"That... doesn't sound too bad."

He nods. "I know, right? If I'm gonna break down crying, then at least I'm gonna do it in a nice house that I own."

"That is the dream." My foot hits something beneath the snow and I shake it off. "Well, would you work on some of your other problems if you get the chance?"

"Probably. Probably not."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Exactly what it means."

"Ah."

"How 'bout you?" Jacob asks. "How's the city life?"

I decide to sidestep the issue for now. "It's doing great. I found an apartment that's livable and affordable. And it has a view too, so that's a bonus. Got a few jobs that pay well, and I'm feeling fulfilled so far." My ears perk up at the sound of the wind again. "Come to think of it, I miss how peaceful things can get. This is quieter than my apartment at three in the morning."

"Have trouble sleeping, too, huh?"

"The city never sleeps, Jacob," I say. "Besides, it's nice, sometimes."

"If you say so."

He nods at that, but he doesn't continue. The more moments pass by, the more I realize that I can't rely on him to keep the conversation going anymore.

"So what do you do here?" I ask. "Whatever you can do here, at least?"

"Nothing much," he says. "I work minimum wage in a store. That's it. I guess they don't scream in my face like they do in other places, so I guess I ain't shit outta luck."

"Perks of living in a small town?"

"Yeah. Everyone knows one another, so word gets around. Other than that, I do volunteer work if I got nothing to do." Jacob sighs. "Actually, I do volunteer work a lot."

"Nothing to occupy you in your free time?"

"Yeah, it's been happening a lot."

When we were younger, Jacob wouldn't shut up about the about what he wanted to do when he grew up. Half of them were just him being a kid, while the others he was serious about. Jacob grew out of most of those dreams because they were childish or because he knew it just wasn't plausible. One of the most persistent things he wanted to do was to join a band or make his own music. The music he made was pretty good, even if they were written when he was sixteen. I remember the guitars he wanted to buy at heart, and I planned on surprising him with one. I look at the road in front of me, then down.

"Do you still have the guitar?" I ask. "The Epiphone guitar? The seven string one?"

"Yeah, it's still in my room," he says.

"Ah. That's... that's cool."

Jacob gives me a look, then shakes his head. "I'm not throwing the guitar away, Danny."

"I know. Sorry. Stupid question."

I cross my arms, hugging myself tightly and hoping that it would go away. I don't know what to feel here. The whole time, I was convinced that he let go of the guitar the moment he left my life. But it's still there. As for Jacob, it's not hard to tell that he doesn't want me here, as much as he tries to hide it behind jokes. Just thinking about that makes me run to the woods and never come back.

"How about you?" Jacob asks. "What do you do now?"

"Well, nothing much," I say. "I work in a coffee shop. And unlike you, we do get assaulted by customers every once in a while."

I see a smile make its way to his face. "How bad is it?"

"Sometimes, they're not afraid to stand on the counter."

He laughs. That loud hyena I got out of him when we were younger. I have no idea how much I missed that until now.

"A lotta shit happens in the city, then?" Jacob says.

"Oh definitely," I say. "Like I said, the city never sleeps."

"Must be exciting."

"Bold of you to assume that I don't just lie down in my room and stare up at the ceiling most of the time."

"What a sad way to live your life."

"That's rich coming from you."

"Very rich coming from me, huh, Danny?"

Jacob chuckles. It was the dry and sardonic one that I've come to realize is usual for him now. But there was a bitter edge to it that wasn't there before. The feeling I had earlier comes back in full swing. It's out of guilt more than anything. I've been walking on eggshells the whole time with him and it took me until now to realize that. I'd never felt this before when I hung out with him, because I knew him like the back of my hand. I don't know Jacob anymore, and I should've known that sooner.

"Jacob, I didn't mean--"

"So why'd you come and see me again?"

There's no bitterness to his voice now. He just sounds tired more than anything, which is understandable. I know I'd be tired of myself, too. Still, I look away and scratch the back of my neck, hoping that all of this would be over soon.

"I just missed you is all," I say. "You've been on my mind for quite a while now, so I thought why not visit you? See how you were holding up."

"So did you only think of me once, or did you decide that only now was a good time to check in on me?"

That takes me aback. The urge to answer forces me to open my mouth, but I don't have an answer, so it gets stuck in my throat and nothing comes out. I close it. Jacob looks at me when I don't answer. He looks me in the eye, and that's all it takes for him to get his answer. I look away, but that doesn't help anything.

"Guess that's a little unfair to ask," Jacob says. "I was the one who cut you off."

"It's fine," I say. I kick a rock and it hits a tree. Almost. "So, are you seeing anyone?"

Jacob gives me a weird look and I do my best not to shrink into myself. Then he looks away and he sighs. "No. I mean, if it comes, then it comes, but... I'm not looking for it, right now."

"I see." I immediately regret saying that, but digging myself deeper seems to be my new objective today.

"Why'd you ask?"

I can feel Jacob's gaze boring into me, but I keep my gaze on the ground. "Just wanna ask."

He doesn't say anything about that, and I'm glad he doesn't.

We continue walking for a few moments, and then Jacob stops. It takes me a second before I notice it. I stop as well and turn around. Jacob has his gaze on the ground beside the path. There's nothing there but a lump of snow, but Jacob looks at it as if he's watching a very fascinating snail make its way across the snow.

"Jacob?" I say.

"I'm tired," he says. "Give me five minutes."

I'm about to ask some more when Jacob leans down to reach for the lump of snow. He brushes some snow away, and something gray and shiny emerges. Jacob wipes away the remaining snow, and I finally see what it is. A piece of metal. It's smooth and, for some reason, it looks brand new so the shine hurts my eyes for a second.

"What's that?" I ask.

"I dunno," Jacob says. "But it's metal. And it's stuck in the dirt. Dunno what it's supposed to be, but I sit here and think. It makes a good bench."

"Then maybe it's a bench?"

The hyena gives the piece of metal a look, then shakes his head. "I don't think it's a bench."

I look at the bench again and nod. "Yeah, probably not."

Jacob takes the silence as the end of the conversation and sits down on the metal. He brushes off the snow beside him, revealing more space in the weird metal thing on the ground. Jacob pats the space beside him, looking at me expectantly. I don't know why, but I look around and point at myself.

"Me?"

"Who else is here?" he says.

"Right, right. Sorry."

I wipe my gloved hands on my coat and sit down beside him. I make sure there's enough space between me and him so I move a little to my right before sitting down. Funnily enough, there is enough space for me to sit comfortably and still have some space between me and Jacob. It does feel cold, though, but I bear it and stare at the same stream Jacob is staring at right now. Then I look up at the sky, to see it snowing again.

"You come here to think?" I say.

"When I feel like going here," Jacob says. "Or when I'm already here."

"With weed or without weed?"

Jacob chuckles at that. "I ain't never gonna be ready for the mosh pit, I don't think so."

I smile, too. "Shame. You always look so hardcore."

"It's just for show. Lately, at least."

"Hey, there's nothing wrong with just looks."

"Of course the fucking pop fan would say that."

If we were still in high school, if I still see him every day, I would've punched him. Playfully, of course, but I still put effort into it because Jacob's a muscular guy and he can take it. My hand would hurt and Jacob would laugh about it. He'd then check my hand and ask if I was okay. I'd point out the irony of it and Jacob would tell me to shut the fuck up. But the space between us right now is enough to tell me that those times are long gone now. So I smile and roll with the punch.

"How'd you find this anyway?" I say. "This is a little too far away from the rest of the town, don't you think?"

Jacob gives me a look but doesn't comment on the subject change. He shrugs. "Walked around. I couldn't sleep one night, so I walked outside."

I look around, where only the snow fully reaches down to us. "I'm not gonna lie, this isn't the most relaxing place to be walking around at night."

"Don't lie. I know that. I wouldn't come here, too. But... some nights, man. They make you do weird shit."

That gets a laugh out of me, and I'm surprised that it almost sounds like Jacob's. "It does, doesn't it?"

"Yeah, but I see that. I saw this..." Jacob pats the hunk of metal. "And this is the best thing I've ever come across. So no regrets in the long run."

"Yeah. That too."

That's the end of that topic, and we're in another awkward silence. Jacob has his gaze on the floor and I look away to stare at the river or the trees or the snow. It's not the brightest inside this forest path, but I could see the gray skies. It's probably almost noon now, which means I've been here for three hours. It doesn't feel like it, which almost gets me nostalgic. Jacob and I always hung out in his house after class, just talking about anything that came to mind. There's no time wasted when you enjoy it, but I feel like I'm wasting his time by just being here. Maybe it's because I've been beating around the bush for so long. I cross my arms and close my eyes, hoping to get this over with.

"Hey, Jacob, about the--"

"Why did you come here, Danny?"

Jacob's curt answer cut me off. His tone is hurt and resentful and so tired. I never heard him sound like that, and now I really feel like I shouldn't be here. I look away, and I give up on trying to answer that question. It takes a moment before Jacob realizes I won't answer.

"Be honest. Please," he says. "We've been friends since we were kids, Danny. If you can't do anything else, then please just be honest with me."

I hate that he knows me so well, even to this day.

Sighing, I close my eyes, and the answer comes spilling out of my mouth. "I... I came here for closure."

Jacob gives me a look. "Closure?"

"Yeah. I mean, you just... You just left, one day, and you never told us why. I'm not gonna forget that, and I still don't. I'm sorry that I didn't come to you sooner, but I just didn't know what to do. Now I do, and I want closure, for the both of us."

"And how did you know?"

I hesitate. I want to lie or dance around the subject, but the way Jacob looks at me stops that, so my gaze drops to the floor. "A few months ago, I met someone. He reminded me so much of you, so I talked to him, and... well, we had sex. I don't regret it, but it felt a little empty. So I went to him a week later and we talked about it."

"And this talk made you wanna come to me?"

I nod. "Yes."

Jacob nodded slowly before turning away from me. His eyes dart around and he blinks a lot, something he did when he was about to cry. Then his lips quiver and he holds his hands together. I just sit there, watching him and tugging on my sleeves, hoping that he would say something. But he stands up, shakes his head, and walks away.

"Jacob, wait." I get up and follow him.

"Leave me alone," he says. "I need some time to think."

I then reach out and grab his shoulder. "Hey, wait, I can--"

Jacob grabs my hand and shoves it back to me. I almost shrink at his gaze. "You're gonna what? Explain? What else are you gonna fucking say?"

"No, it's... It's not like that."

"Then what is it like, huh? Because it sounds like you came here to make yourself feel better." He doesn't let me answer, and I can see his teeth as he talks. "You went here because making me feel better makes you feel better. That's what it's like to me because the only reason you thought of me again is because you let someone that reminded you of me fuck you and you didn't get what you want."

That gets me to bristle. "That's not fair, Jacob. You know I cared about you. We've been friends ever since we were kids. I care about you more than what I feel about you."

"You did, yeah," he says. "You cared about me, and I'm happy that you did. So why didn't you think about why I left in the first place?"

I stop at that, and my gaze falters. When Jacob sees that, he sighs and his shoulders drop. He looks so betrayed that I'm ashamed for being mad at him in the first place.

"You never did, huh?" Jacob says, then he shook his head. "Fuck, man. You had years to think about it."

"I'm sorry," is what I say, because I don't have any idea what else to say to him right now. "I didn't think of it that way."

"You never did," Jacob growled. "You never thought about it. None of you ever fucking did. The moment I said I was okay with how you feel about me, you never thought about it. It was always about what you wanted, and you never thought about what I wanted when you started pushing. I'm sorry that it took me this long to grow a fucking spine, but you should've known. Because it was never enough for you and you kept pushing and pushing and I didn't feel safe around you anymore."

His eyes are watering now, and Jacob tries his best to be calm and angry, but his fangs are still bared and tears flow freely down his face. "I never wanted to do those things with you, but I just grinned the whole time because I didn't want to hurt you and I had faith in you to stop when you know I didn't want to go on. But I'm sorry I had faith in you. There was a time when I didn't feel like I could be myself around you or I felt so fucking alone when I'm with you. Hell, I was wishing that I was hanging out with someone else because when it was just us, I knew it was just an excuse for you to see how far you could go. And I was just wishing that it was like it used to, because I missed it, and I didn't want us to end like this."

Jacob pauses to collect himself. He turns away from me, placing a hand on his snout and holding it. His lips are pressed hard against another and tears are flowing down his cheeks. He lets out short gasps of air but is doing everything he can so he won't start sobbing. Eventually, he calms down and speaks again. His voice is shaky and so small.

"I was gonna let it go when I saw you, you know? I'm still not okay with you being alone with me, but you came all the way here just to see me, and I was happy because I thought that you'd changed. What you did wasn't right, but we were seventeen. We do stupid shit all the time. But it's clear that... things never changed. You want something from me, and I'm just... there. A fucking means to an end to make everyone else feel better." Jacob wipes his eyes, and this time he doesn't try and stop it. "Look, I'm never gonna feel what you felt about me, but I loved you, Danny. I loved you more than anything in the world, and I would've done anything for you. Sometimes, I just... wish you saw me more than that."

Jacob starts crying, this time whimpering and wiping his eyes. He turns his head away so I can't see his face. I've rarely seen Jacob cry, but when he does, I was always there to comfort him. I guess that still stuck with me because I reached out to grab his shoulder. But the moment I touch it, Jacob takes it off.

"Jacob."

"Just leave me alone. Please."

He doesn't turn to look at me, but his voice sends the message clear. He sounds so hurt and tired and it hurts to hear. Jacob stands there for a minute too long, then he shakes his head and walks away. I don't follow him this time.

---

I should've left town an hour ago.

That's what I should've done, at least. It's not like there are so many passengers that they get overwhelmed, and the snow is still manageable even with all the snowing yesterday. I even woke up at half past four, so I could've left town more than an hour ago. But it's six in the morning now, and I'm still in town because I don't know when to let things go.

Part of me stayed here because I've been waiting for Kylie. She's the one who brought me to the inn I stayed at last night. She even said I could call her if I ever needed anything. I have a feeling that Kylie at least had a very good guess on what happened yesterday, but never brought it up with me. I owe her a lot here, but I don't know where she is so I guess I'll just thank her later.

The other reason is probably because I don't want to end things like this. I know how it sounds, and what happened yesterday is still fresh in my mind, but I can't stay here forever, and I don't think I'll ever be coming back here, so this is my only chance to set things straight. And that's why I find myself walking to Jacob's front door again.

Still thinking about yourself, I think.

I stop just right in front of the door. The door is a lot more threatening now, and it feels like something inside my stomach is trying to claw its way out. It's a weird feeling, wanting to run away but wanting to be here as well. But it's for a good reason if anything. This might be the only chance I have to fix things, and I'm scared that I might push him too hard. I guess that doing this so soon might be too much, but again, I don't have any choice here, so there's nothing else for me to do other than to get over this. So I close my eyes, count to three, and reach for the doorknob.

But it's locked.

There's a sinking feeling in my chest and a worry crawls up my spine. I try it again, but sure enough, it's locked. I stop myself from checking the windows and knock instead.

"Jacob?" I call out.

I wait. A minute passes and there's no answer. After another minute passes, I lean in and press my ear against the door. I don't hear anything.

I knock again. "Jacob, it's me."

Still nothing. Whatever resolve I have melts away, but I just can't bring myself to leave. At this point, I know that Jacob won't answer, and I know that nothing I do will change that, but a part of me won't let me. That part of me is insistent that maybe it would get better if I stayed and tried harder. And I choose to listen to that part of me. I knock.

"Jacob?"

There was no answer. I want to laugh and cry at the same time. I want to open the door and tell him that I'm sorry. That I never meant to do it and that I should've realized things sooner. I want to say that if we ever became friends again, then I would treat him right. But the door's still locked and there's nothing I can do about it anymore.

Sighing, I rest my forehead against the door. It's freezing, but there's a strange comfort in it. The tears that have been threatening to come out finally well up in my eyes and I wipe them away. I stay like that for a while, waiting for something from the other side of the door. Then I straighten up and walk away.