FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

Wind peppered his face, seasoning him with soft stings as it pulled against his cheeks. He turned his head left and right, the pull changing vectors, each angle brought new awareness, a new feeling, a new reminder. It felt tender, like two lips pressed his cheek, just like they did two weeks ago.

Kane didn't open his photos, he didn't have to. The selfie was burned into his memory, along with the touch, the feeling, the surprise. Kane shook his head, 'Why did he surprise me? That was our first kiss and I wasn't even prepared. Jerk!'

The rhino wasn't really angry, or upset, just slightly regretful. Regretting how he reacted, how he sat dumbfounded, how he didn't tell him he wanted more, how he didn't go for it. 'He would have kissed me more. If I had only, just asked!' Kane shook his head once more to clear it. 'No, that's not right.' It's easy to romanticize the past, he had more than once had to pull himself back from those thoughts these last two weeks. It just would have tarnished what it really was, a first date. Kane's, and Deacon's, first dates ever. Kane had to admit, it wasn't perfect. He regretted being so nervous, he had regretted his outfit, he regretted not being prepared for the first selfie, and he regretted not being prepared for the kiss in the second selfie.

But he didn't regret going, he didn't regret sharing his misgivings with Deacon, he didn't regret climbing the lookout point, he didn't regret taking that second selfie, and he didn't regret reaching for Deacon's hand. He regretted not asking him out again in the past two weeks.

"Do you want to come over tonight?"

Deacon had beaten him to it. Kane just laughed.

It wasn't perfect, but it was real, it was awesome, it was unabashedly the two of them. It was wonderful, and he wouldn't ever trade the wonder for perfection. Never.

Kane sighed, his eyes slid open. Golden rays and ivory pillows greeted his vision. The world of summer into autumn. 'What an amazing day.' It was the perfect day to sketch but Kane had other thoughts on his mind. Most of them were about Deacon.

His perch on top of his school's cafeteria was where he found himself, this was his lunchtime hideaway. Not many students came up here which made it ideal for the introverted rhino. The crowds below swarmed and moved, people going to and fro, here and there, a chaotic weaving of souls.

The artist in him lived for this, he tried not to capture position, but movement. People were always moving, environments were always moving. Impetus driving them forward from where they were to where they wished to go and somewhere in between was the motion. That's what Kane wanted to capture. Kane was way too modest and humble to ever admit he was any good at it, but he had his pride to say that every sketch was founded on that principle. 'People are always in motion.'

Kane lamented not being able to connect with his peers, instead opting to observe them from afar and capturing them in his sketchbook, so he counted himself blessed to have a few that he could. Or at the very least, one. Deacon.

Two weeks of time graced him with the happiest moments he has ever had. Two weeks of real, imperfect, wonderful moments concerning his best friend. Two weeks of connecting deeper with someone he's known his whole life. They were talking so much more now, anything and everything that Kane wanted to share. Pictures he was going to sketch, colors he wanted to imitate on page, life in motion. Deacon loved every single one. Kane loved every single reply.

The young rhino's ravenous muse awoke and burned with passion unbound. He had been sketching nonstop and his current book was absolutely filled, not a single page was left without a stain of color, a mess of lines, a puddle of movement. Kane needed to get another one before he could sketch again, perhaps with his next paycheck, so he had spent the last few days meditating instead. Thinking about Deacon, but more specifically what he said about their relationship two weeks ago. About focusing on the next step.

Kane had to admit that he still felt some shame when he looked back at his previous actions regarding Deacon. The regrets of not telling the gator about his feelings, or trying to hide it from him, or denying the way the gator made him feel. The rhino had been stuck in that rut for much too long, too long to be healthy, and too long being miserable. Even Deacon's acknowledgement of his feelings back towards Kane hadn't eliminated those regrets. 'People are always in motion, but I wasn't. I was stuck.' A cloud covered the sun and the land dimmed.

Kane hadn't meant to get stuck, but what do you do with a crush on your best friend? It was hard to think about then, stuck on sweet daydreams in a world that didn't align. But that world that did align now though. 'That rumor'. The one about Deacon sleeping with another man, Kane still thought about it. He believed Deacon's denial, but Kane had to admit to himself that a lot of his happiness these past two weeks had to be because of that rumor. It became his impetus for what followed that night. Wanting to confront Deacon about it, confess his feelings. Oh, two weeks of happiness had emerged from that night, yes, but because Deacon had taken the first step. Deacon had first asked Kane if the rhino had feelings for him. Deacon had asked him on their first date. Deacon had asked him over tonight. Deacon was taking a lot of steps lately. Kane was lagging behind, what was his next step? A question that required pondering.

Black feathers, a pastel yellow tee shirt, and a thigh length plaid skirt interrupted his pondering.

"Hiya, Kane!" The rhino jumped left, shocked by the dramatic and unexpected entrance of someone to his remote hideaway.

"I- uh, Tiffany, what?" He sputtered. Penguin, co-captain of the women's swim team, Deacon and Shirley's friend, Tiffany.

"Well, hello to you too. Greet everyone that way?" she raised an eyebrow at him.

"I- uh, wasn't, wasn't expecting anyone. Um, sorry. Hi." He said, still recovering from the appearance of another person.

"Nah, this is on me. You were in thought and I barged in. Sorry about that" She apologized as she leaned on the barrier to look out at the school courtyard.

"It's, it's fine." Kane said as he shuffled a foot away from her to look out. He gulped. 'Why is she here?'

"Pretty snazzy view. Can see why you like it." She said.

"Thanks." His response was short. Seconds of silence stretched between them. Kane poked his index fingers together, the presence of another person was making his mind run.

"You're a hard man to track down, ya know? Spent half our lunch break to find you and here you are, in the last place I looked." She was still looking down over the school. 'You'll find anything in the last place you look, though.' Kane answered in his mind. He didn't want to overreact, but had she said she was looking for him? Why?

"Umm, yeah. It's peaceful and I can be, you know, alone here. Not too great in crowds." He said, trying to keep his tone conversational. And keep any accusations out.

"Mood." She said, still not looking at him. Seconds of silence. The rhino eventually found the guts to ask.

"Umm, was there, did you need something?" She sighed and looked his way. Their eye contact was brief and he quickly looked away.

"Yeah. It's about your boyfriend." Kane heart skipped and his breath hitched.

"I'm- I'm not, we're not, that's-, no, we're just-" He clamped his mouth shut before he said anymore. He had promised Deacon he wouldn't say anything about them, not that they even agreed to call themselves boyfriends. He turned the other direction from her, he could already feel sweat growing on his palms. "I don't- I don't have a boyfriend." He said.

"Smooooth..." She said, drawing out the o's. "But I already know about you and Deacon so you don't have to hide it from me." Kane shot her a look to the side. She was turned towards him. Kane took her expression as genuine, but was still unconvinced. 'I suppose he could have told her.'

"Look, Tiffany. Maybe, maybe, you should talk to Deacon? He's probably a better person to ask than me. About... whatever this is about." He rubbed the back of his head, hoping she would head out and leave him to ponder.

"No can do. It's gotta be you." She responded matter of factly. She stretched her hands into the air as she stood up from leaning on the guard rail.

"Wait, why?" Kane protested. 'Seriously... come on!' Tiffany looked at Kane who had to fight not to fidget in the gaze. The penguin closed her eyes and shook her head.

"Sorry, I'm coming off way too strong. Let me backtrack." She cleared her throat. "Kane, how's Deacon?"

"I.. what do you mean?"

"I'm wondering how Deacon is."

"No, I get that but, like, again, why are you asking me and not him?" Kane questioned.

"Isn't it obvious?" She said with an eyebrow raised.

Kane shook his head, "No, not in the slightest." Tiffany squinted at him. After a moment, "What?!" Kane asked.

"Are you messing with me or do you really not know?" She asked skeptically.

"Look, Tiffany, I have no idea what's going on. You came up here to ask me about Deacon, is something going on with him or not?" Kane asked. He was getting worried, 'Do you want to come over tonight?' His hand gripped tightly to the guardrail, steely stares into her eyes, his breathing elevated. Tiffany cocked a head to the side and tapped her chin with a finger.

"Kane, when's the last time you hung out with Deacon?" She asked, her tone softer than it had been a moment prior. Kane blinked. 'What's going on?'

"Umm, I, I guess at his party two weeks ago. We were all there." He said, still lying about their date.

"Have you talked with him since?" She asked further.

"Not more than texting and like, a minute or two at school. Tiffany, please, tell me what's going on?" Fear overwrote fear, Deacon over his own insecurities. He wasn't shying away any longer from her.

"So he wasn't, I don't know, irritable, foul tempered, coming off like a complete dick when you talked to him?" Kane's eyes widened in astonishment. 'What the hell are you saying?'

"Uh, no! This is Deacon we're talking about. I mean, he can be a cocky ass sometimes, but he's not, you know, mean. He's Deacon, you know him!" Kane responded, the worries were consuming him. He was about two steps from going to find Deacon himself, have him take over this conversation. 'Calm down, just keep calm Kane.' He tried to tell himself to little avail. Tiffany just nodded.

"Yeah, I do know, Kane. I know Deacon very well. I know he's not a dick. I know he doesn't have a shred of malice in his body. I bet he's never even hurt a fly. Which is why, for the life of me and Shirley, we can't understand why in the last two weeks, since you two went on your date, he's been storming around like an asshole, he's yelling at his teammates, almost picking fights, he blew off two plans with Shirley and I last week at the last minute, he's quiet, and worst of all, when we asked him what's wrong he yelled, and I'm quoting here, 'There's nothing wrong, mind your own fucking business.'" She paused, Kane could only blink. 'That... that can't be right. That doesn't sound like Deacon at all.' She sighed as she pushed her palms down, alieving some of the built up emotion. "So.." she continued, "So I can't talk to Deacon. Deacon isn't talking to anyone. And we're concerned. So I'm asking you again, Kane. How's Deacon?" The question evaporated into the air leaving a smog and an odor of trepidation and disquiet.

Kane's mouth moved but no sounds were coming out. The image of Deacon in his mind, fun loving, a bit braggy, humorous, honest, and the image that Tiffany just painted were in complete and total conflict. He hadn't noticed that at all. That wasn't Deacon! He pulled his phone out of his pocket, a quick swipe and he was rereading their messages, their interactions over the last two weeks, digging for anything, words or tone, that maybe he had missed. He hadn't, each text sounded like Deacon, the one in his head.

"I-, that's not.." He looked at Tiffany, she looked at him. He looked back at his phone, at Deacon's profile picture. An alligator kissing a gray cheek. "I hadn't-, he-, I-, I didn't know. I didn't know any of that. He-" Kane was feeling himself hyperventilate, short jerks of his chest. His heart pounded. His legs wanted to move, to run, to find him. The inequality of two Deacons set wildfires in his thoughts and limbs. A glance at the doors that lead downstairs, he'd find him, the real Deacon, he'd be with his friends. Kane didn't care if they were at school, he didn't give a damn about anyone, just about Deacon. The rhino took a step, into motion.

"Kane, Kane, hey, hey!" Kane hadn't noticed her walk up to him. Grab him by the shoulders and jostle him a bit. He shook his head and looked at her. "It's okay, just breathe." He did. "Count back from ten to one."

"Ten" he breathed. 'Deacon.'

"Nine." he breathed. 'Why would he act like that?'

"Eight." he breathed. 'That's not Deacon. It's not!'

He breathed at seven, at six, all the way to..

"One." a deeper breath, a more controlled breath, not. 'Why?'

"Kane, are you okay?"

"No, I'm not okay." he shook his head, "Deacon, I need-, I gotta-" He tried to squirm out of her grip. Fears popping up again. The instinct to run, sprint, and move. Anything to alleviate the doom and despair building in him.

"Hey! Kane, just breathe. We'll deal with Deacon in a minute, just focus on me right now. Focus on my voice. Just breathe" He tried, she was close. He closed his eyes, felt her hands on his shoulders, the wind on his face, the pull of his lungs. The here and now.

"Ten.." he started over. It worked better the second time. His heart rate was still high, but his breathing wasn't erratic. He finally pulled open his eyes, noticing her hazel ones, they were close. Kane hadn't realized he grabbed her forearms. His face was already flushed so at least it hid his embarrassment. He swallowed as he let go of her.

"How are you doing?" She asked, the words were compassionate.

"I'm..." He breathed, "I'm feeling a little better." A lie. He was actually feeling a lot better. Embarrassment at the outburst far more desirable than whatever that was.

"That's good."

"Tiffany, please, is he, is he really acting like that? Please tell that's not true?" Denial.

"I'm sorry, Kane. But he is." The words were kind, the message was hard.

"Has he- is he okay? Why's he acting like that? Do you know?" Kane asked, panic didn't drown him this time, but blistering amounts of concern, enough to overwhelm his fragile constitution. Tiffany cocked her head to the side.

"No, I don't know. I think- I think he's struggling with something. Unfortunately, alone." She let go of his shoulders and stepped back a bit. "And if he hasn't opened up to you, I don't know who else to ask." Her voice was sad, wistful. It tugged at the rhino's heart. 'Deacon...'

"But!" She said suddenly, "That doesn't mean he won't. Best we can do is remind him that we're here for him when he's ready." She sat on a faded blue bench looking a tad doleful, Kane sat next to her.

"Is that really all we can do?" Kane asked, his heart was hurting and it was taking all of his energy to not text Deacon right now. That's not how he wanted to confront him, even through the urge to reach out to him, he understood that. Kane wanted to hold him, pull him close, and never let go.

"Unfortunately, Kane, not-a-one person on the planet can force him to talk to us. So, yeah." Kane groaned as he pulled open his phone. He flipped to his camera roll, under his favorites, there they were. A happy rhino and a goofy gator who took the opportunity to kiss him. A happier moment, a wonderful moment.

"Cute picture." He heard from his right, he glanced at Tiffany. Her eyes darted up from his phone. Kane locked the screen and looked away. "Sorry.."

"It's- he just didn't want me to, you know, tell anyone." Kane admitted, his previous misgivings about telling her were washed away in a tsunami of other more pressing concerns.

"Mmhmm" Tiffany hummed, "He told us the same."

Fears, nebulous little snakes, wormed around his head. Anxieties, like skittering bugs crawled his skin. Worries, dim and dark shadows, clouded his eyes. 'Deacon. Why didn't you tell me something was wrong? How did I not see it?' The three swirled and morphed, they gave presence to darker, deeper insecurities. Struggles of a lifetime. They morphed into words, were given credence, and spoken to the universe.

"Do you- do you think, you know..." He halted, a stray thought, a ghost of times past, gave him pause, but only a pause before maelstroms of dark matters, "this is my fault?"

"No, sweetie, I don't." She answered quickly, without fanfare, without hesitation.

"But, but what if it is?"

"It's not."

"Well how would you know!?" Kane asked, offended, indignant. He stared at her defiantly. Tiffany raised an eyebrow, sass couldn't have described her better. Kane felt that maybe he messed up by challenging her on this.

"I can ask you the exact same question, Kane."

"I can think of a dozen reasons!" He countered back. Desperation fueled by frenzied thoughts.

"Yeah, I'm sure you could! I'm sure I could! And we could guess and speculate till the end of lunchtime, but when it comes down to it, one," She held up a finger, "one, person on the planet can answer that question, Kane. And he isn't on this roof right now!" She pointed down to the ground.

The roof of the cafeteria was concrete. Porous specks and spots that cascaded across its surface. They would fill up with water on days it rained and would take days to dry out. Empty voids filled with substance that didn't abate. Stagnant at a glance, but transient in perspective. In motion.

"So don't think that, nothing good comes of it." She stared at the pores, today they were empty. Shoulders down trodden, eye down cast, diffused light from the cloud cover eliminated all shadows, but one still hung over her. It hung over Kane too.

"I'm sorry." He said, following her gaze to the ground.

"It's alright." She replied.

"I'm just worried.." He rubbed his eyes, there was an unfamiliar weight to his body, a pressure on his being.

"You're not alone."

The sun came out from behind the clouds and Kane looked up. Thermal radiation coursed into his being, waves of energy traveled millions of miles to light his eyes, heat his skin, and color his world. But at the moment it was just feeling gray. 'Fuck. Of course she's worried.' He felt guilty. Tiffany had sought him out, came to him for help, and he had blown up at her. 'Fuck...'

"Look, I'm.. I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell or... panic. I'm sorry you had to see that."

"It's okay, Kane." Tiffany replied from his right. He thought he saw her turn toward him in his peripherals, but he didn't turn to face her. Shame and guilt eating his self-confidence. When he didn't respond, she shuffled closer.

"Alright, sweetie. None of that now." He only glanced to the side in her direction as she shuffled closer.

"None of what?" He asked, voice unsteady.

"None of that feeling sorry for yourself."

"Oh, so you know what this is?" He asked with some wry laughter.

"Mmhmm, I know. You're thinking about how cringey you just were, acting all emotional in front of another person, ooh, the horror." Kane laughed some more as he shook his head, still looking at the clouds above.

"It felt pretty cringey."

"Nope, wrong." She said with an elbow to his arm. He looked at her. She just shook her head. "Nothing's cringe about worrying about another person. I refuse to live in a world where it is, sounds like a total drag."

She turned to look off into the horizon, the wind rustling the feathers of her cheek. Oils reflecting and creating swathes of bright black. The shimmer between light and dark. The movement. 'I don't want to live in a world like that either.' Kane concluded.

"Thank you, Tiffany." Sincerity welled up from his soul, coated the sound, sweetened the vibration. She winked back at him.

"No prob, Kane. Now, enough of that schmaltzy maltzy stuff. Let's talk about you." She patted his knee.

"Wait! What, me?" That was his least favorite topic to talk about, even when he was in a talking mood. His current mood was a little light on the desire to chat.

"Of course, sweetie. Haven't seen you in two weeks. How's life?"

"Oh, uh, I.." How was his life? All was fine until three minutes ago when Tiffany intruded on his paradise! He was still trying to regulate from the intensity he felt just a minute ago. 'How is my life?' He pondered.

"I, um, I'm doing fine, I think." 'Why is she asking about me? We should be talking about Deacon!'

"Yeah? That's good. Were you drawing up here?" Kane flinched back.

"You, you know I draw?"

"Yeah, Shirley told me. Can't believe you've never mentioned it before!"

"I, uh, well, you know." His cheeks were hot. He wondered if the pores could swallow him up. Anything to get out of this conversation.

"Well come on, man. Grow a pair and show me! Show me, show me, show me!" She asked insistently, scooted even closer, holding his gaze. Kane could only blink. He was not expecting this turn of events. The rollercoaster of the last ten minutes had no signs of stopping.

Tiffany was an odd entity. Unpredictable at best, agent of pure chaos at worst, and now inches away from Kane. Much closer than most people got, closer than he was comfortable. He edged back.

"Sorry, um, they're, they're not all, you know, that good. I don't think you'll like them." He rubbed the back of his head.

"Boooooo! You're no fun." She said as she pouted. "Rock, paper, scissors. I win, I get to see." Kane just short circuited.

"I, what!?" Was all he could say. Tiffany was already holding out a fist in the ready position, cheeky grin on her face. Absolutely ready to throw hands, well Rock, Paper, Scissors hands.

"Come on! Have some fun with me!"

"No, I-, I'm, no" he shook his head, trying to grasp some level of understanding from the conversation. His art. It was his. He hasn't shown anyone. 'Well. I promised Shirley I'd show her.' He remembered. He was so unsure, unconfident, indecisive, anxious. But he wasn't thinking about Deacon anymore, that must have been some sort of improvement. Maybe.

"Well, why not?!" Her tone was obstinate.

'Why don't I?'

Fear was his first answer, but the fear of what? People wouldn't like his art, wouldn't like him? That all seemed so silly. What did Kane care about what others think! Well, he cared a lot.

Fear freezes, fear burns, fear paralyzes, fear curses. Fear gripped him. The idea of pulling open that curtain, to bare those lines to others, to show them his work, his world views. It felt scary, it sounded vulnerable, it seemed impossible. He was afraid.

'Afraid she'd like it? Or afraid she won't?'

The question hung in the atmosphere of his mind. Time spread before him and he thought about the person that had been on his mind for weeks, and months before that, Deacon. He thought about how he watched Deacon just throw caution to the wind, speak from the heart, fly free of fear. A person that connected with others, with strangers, with friends, with jocks, with nerds, with women, with men. With him. A person he wanted to emulate. He meant those words to him two weeks ago. Deacon is his hero, his role model, his friend. He wanted to do what Deacon does. He wanted to take a step.

'Well, why don't I?' he asked himself. What's stopping him from opening up like that, from fucking around and finding out what happens, getting burned and scarring over. What could happen? He honestly didn't know. He was scared to find out. And excited by the possibility. He moved forward.

"I, I don't know why not." He answered her question, "But maybe, you know, maybe I should?" The words weren't confident, his courage reserves were at a negative value. He couldn't stop swallowing, couldn't stop sweating. His heart was fluttering somewhere between his ears. And his hand was reaching into his backpack.

"Hell. Yes!" Tiffany celebrated to his side, the penguin clearly getting into it, not that Kane could understand. The bound book came out. The fwwwpp as it scrapped across his other notebooks, papers, homework. The cover was black and unassuming, larger than standard letter paper, heavier sheets. The rings that bound it were bent and skewed, a product of use and wear. Kane had often pulled his fingers up and down the spine, it was pleasant and helped him think through the particulars of a piece. It felt abnormally massive in his hands, the situation skewing his perception and the struggle to follow through on his determination.

He tried to breathe steadily as he turned towards Tiffany. She looks so happy, her eyes pasted to the book. She giggled and bounced in her seat. "Hee hee, I'm so excited! You don't even know."

"Yeah, I, I really don't know." Kane said, 'But I'm doing it, I want to do it. I can do it, Deacon!' His eyes squeezed shut, he felt his lips flinch back in preparation. He thumbed a random page, and moved.

Colorful cascades, upon thick sheets of limitless potential, brought to illumination. He flipped through letting the book fall to wherever it would. He wouldn't have been able to choose any one piece to show off, best to throw the dice and take a chance on his luck, not that he believed himself to be all that lucky.

"Oh, wow..." Tiffany breathed. Kane peaked open an eye, afraid of what he might see, afraid of what Tiffany was seeing.

It was an older piece, something he caught while walking through the courtyard. Their school had multiple floors and some rooms were connected by walkways across buildings. A wolf had been chasing a piece of paper, Kane never knew what it was. A report, a permission slip, a love letter, something. They chased it across the walkway as the breeze pushed it along. Swiping it as it waltzed out of reach, teasing them as it defied gravity. It danced off the edge, inches away from being out of reach, just above Kane's head. It was the celebratory "Yes!" that had caught his attention. He looked up. They were halfway over the railing, hand fully extended. Grabbing the wood pulp as if their life depended on it. The two of them made eye contact. The wolf smiled at Kane, said "Close one.", and pulled themselves up off the railing. Kane remembered looking around, seeing if anyone else had noticed what he just did. Not any other soul was looking up. The rhino looked up again, no one was on the walkway. The wolf had vanished like a ghost along with their precious paper.

Kane had drawn it to prove that it happened, that he witnessed something. You could see the desperation in the pose, in the way the clothes stretched across their outstretched arm, in the perspective from below. You could see the wonder in his view. The page was center stage, the perspective making it seem larger than life, worth risking a tumble from a second floor. The edges were blurry and indistinct to highlight the focus. The struggle. The movement. It was a little literal in this case. It was a good piece, luck was on his side it seemed.

"That's crazy good. Who is that?" She asked.

"I, I don't know. It was just a moment I caught and had to sketch."

"No way, are they all this good?" she said reach towards the book. Kane shifted it away from the grasping hand. Tiffany pulled back. "Sorry, look, don't touch. Like a museum." Kane snorted at the joke.

"It's hardly museum quality..."

"Says you." Tiffany countered. "Can I see another one?" She scooted closer again, Kane... didn't shy back. He turned the page, flipping through his memories. A shot of a pair on a motorcycle, driving by his car. A couple. The parrot in back had their arms out and her wings pulled in the wind. Eyes closed. The driver, a toucan, was hunched forward. Forcing a way forward against the wind, eyes determined. They were clean and crisp, but the background was blurred. Movement lines trailing the two of them. Kane had wondered where they were going, what they were doing, what they were to each other. He'd never know, all he knew was that they were moving.

"Wow, wow, wow!" Tiffany said, shimmying even closer, their thighs touching. "Another random moment?"

"Yeah, I caught them on my way home. They ran a red light. I saw the traffic camera flash and there they were."

"Clearly traffic laws don't concern them." She joked.

"Yeah, absolute meanaces on the road, these two." He returned.

"Another?" Kane looked into her eyes. They were close, closer than he liked but here they were. She was excited, her eyes were sparkling.

"Umm, okay. Maybe just one more." Lunch would be over soon. Pages turned. A new moment. An oddly personal one.

The ladies sat on the ground, the lockers behind them. One dark and white. One an almond brown. Their shoulders were touching, wired earphones bridging the gap between their adjacent ears. They were laughing, smiles as bright as daisies and eyes shining like the sun. Tiffany and Shirley.

Tiffany looked mid story, using her arms to convey a thought, an imitation, a joke. Shirley was responding mid laugh, head cocked back and one eye closed. He had seen them on a break between periods, he hadn't said hi and just noticed and continued, leaving the women to each other, to their moment. He changed the lighting on this one. The harsh fluorescent wasn't worthy of this picture. Instead he used amber, and gave them a glow, a radiance. He had been proud of that piece, at the moment he was embarrassed. One of its subjects just inches from him.

"Oh, I'm, I'm sorry. I didn't know this was next." He moved to close the book, but found a hand holding it open. Tiffany's.

"Wait, please..." it was a whisper, the quietest he had ever heard from her. It stilled his arm. He had to make a choice, he chose to keep the page open and turn it more towards her. Her head was down, he couldn't see her expression, but saw the movement. Her hand creeped forward, coming near the page, it brushed the surface. Kane knew the touch of sketch paper, how it lit his nerves and how it pulled his skin, he had felt it countless number of times. But sitting here, arm to arm with another, with her, observing? Tiffany wasn't feeling paper, she was feeling something else. Something that Kane could only guess, but he knew to sit still, let her feel it. The thoughts of the oils on her hand ruining it were a distant call in his mind. He blinked. She must have realized what she was doing and pulled back. "Sorry, sorry. You said don't touch."

She was looking away from Kane, away from his picture, the moment was over. Kane pulled away and closed the book. He looked the other way, processing his thoughts. 'What was that? That wasn't what she was normally like.' She didn't seem mad, or happy, or impressed, or anything that he was expecting. He turned to look towards her, she hadn't turned back to him. Her shoulders and torso were angled away, the body language letting him know that she didn't want to talk. Wind still pulled at the feathers of her cheek and neck, the sun still shined and lighted her form.

"It was a wonderful picture." was all she said. Kane tried to respond but any response wasn't adequate, it intruded on something deep, something personal. 'Say something, idiot!'

"It's one of my favorites." 'Not that!!' he shouted to himself.

"I can see why." She turned back towards him, she was smiling, but it didn't reach her eyes. Those looked sad.

"No, no! I mean, like, it, it's a well drawn sketch. Not that, like, it's you and Shirley. I mean, yeah it's of you two, but that's not, that's not why I like it!" He responded quickly, the fluster returning. Tiffany just laughed at him.

"Haa haa ha, you're too cute. I can see why Deacon likes you." 'What did that mean?' he asked himself.

"Are you, are you mad? That I sketched you?" He asked, his fingers were drumming along the hard cover of his sketchbook. Eyes flicking across the horizon.

"Nahh, just mad you hadn't shown off your work before. You're really good!" She said with a nudge to his arm, he smiled at the ground, his cheeks hot with his blush.

"Thank you, I, uh.. Thank you." He had no idea what to say, he had no idea how to respond to praise. He figured the best thing was just to say thank you. 'She liked my work. I showed off my work! Wow!' This may have been the best possible outcome, except.... Why had she been so enthralled by the picture of the two? Why would it elicit that reaction? Just the two friends, they were always together, they went everywhere together, they... Had he ever seen them separately before now? He thought about it and looked over at Tiffany. She was looking at the pores in the ground, the edge of her mouth tipped upwards and eyes half closed.

He pondered, he thought, he wondered. 'Why would Tiffany react like that?' It must have been something in the picture, but it was just the two of them. It was just Tiffany and... And Shirley. 'What?! No.' His eyes widened and he gasped. The penguin turned at the noise, noticed the grin that Kane had on his face, and froze.

"Uhh, what's that look for, dude?" She asked, the words were cautious, curious, and careful. Kane looked down at the book and then back at Tiffany.

"Umm, Tiffany? Do you like Shirl-"

"No, no, no, nope, no. You couldn't be even more wrong. Completely off, not at all. Absolutely not."

"I, I hadn't even finished asking?"

"Well whatever you were about to ask. It's wrong, you're wrong. No!" She stood and turned away from him towards the door leading down stairs. Kane went after her.

"Wait, Tiffany, wait. Sorry, clearly it's a touchy topic. I'm sorry." he apologized to her back. Her hand was on the handle, the portal an inch open. But she didn't walk through it. That was a good sign. "I, just, you don't have to tell me. I, I didn't mean to upset you. Please forgive me..." He grasped his hands in front of his chest. Seconds ticking by ever closer to the end of lunch. Tiffany still didn't move. A few more moments of nothing passed between them. Kane didn't approach, Tiffany didn't leave the roof.

Her shoulders wiggled, then her back, then her head. Kane was worried, 'What did I say? Did I say something wrong? Did I make her cry!?' He was reaching out towards her when she turned around and bore straight at him. She was laughing, her body chortling with her deep laugh. The kind when joke after joke piles up and you lose control of yourself.

"Oh God! Kane, you're just way too keen! Hiding it for months and the last person I suspected was the first to see it. That's got to be some sort of karma, but I can't tell if it's good or bad. You of all people, wow!" Kane had no idea how to respond to that. Or anything that was happening. 'So.. I was right?'

"I.. uh..."

"Ask your question." She requested. Smile still plastered on her face.

"Umm, do you, are you, like, do you like Shirley?" He was rubbing the back of his head. Wary that it might set her off again

"Yep." She answered, just one word, no further elaboration, and a lilting laugh added to it.

"I-, wow! okay, uh.." Kane stammered, 'I was right! I was right about her'. "Are you, uh, together..?"

Tiffany laughed at him and shook her head. 'Oh, only partially right.'

"Of course, thinking now, you'd for sure be the one to figure it out, you of all people would understand the best. What it's like to be crushing hard on your best friend." She closed the door behind her and leaned against it. Kane noticed the slight flush in her cheeks, her face turning rosy. The penguin sweetly smiled at him.

"I- Okay." A dozen questions were running through his head, a strange sense of understanding, and a new thought. 'She's right. I do understand. I completely understand.'

Crushing on a friend, pining for a pal, enamored by another. A bittersweet meal. He looked into her eyes, she looked back at him. Thoughts not conveyed by words but by light. A bridge between two separate beings. A connection, one forged from mutual understanding. A bond.

"I, I really do understand." Kane said, breaking the eye contact. Pores below came to view. The textured the ground, the overhead sun filling them with photons.

"I'm envious..." Kane looked back. Her smile had morphed into a wistful curve, eyes that didn't absorb any light from the environment.

"Of what..?"

"You and Deacon. I watched y'all flit by each other for months, and then, all of a sudden, Deacon was calling Shirley and saying that you two were going on a date. She was so happy after that call, you'd think it was her getting asked out. And I..." She sighed, as Atlus would, hoisting the world on her shoulders. "I just want to make her that happy."

"I know..." Was all he could say, an eternity that lasted months, a hellscape of great emotion, a cage of the most pleasant thoughts. To be that close to someone and not have what you want. 'Of course she'd be envious..'

"Hey, look." She stepped off the door and towards him, coming out from the shadow of the building behind her. "Don't get me wrong. I'm beyond happy you two finally manned up and figured it out too. I'm just..." Her words trailed off, she tossed out a hand clawing at some thought, just out of reach.

"I get it, Tiffany. I get what it's like." He pulled the bond, something that anchored the two of them together. The rhino gripped his chest. Somewhere in there were the scars he still bore. "To be near but just not close enough."

"To watch her date these scumbag guys."

"To watch him make everyone else smile."

"To see her inspire everyone on the swim team."

"To see him do things you could never do."

"To watch her walk off towards class after blowing you a kiss."

"To wish he could see you in the crowd."

"To wish she would notice me by her side."

"To want to see him in a swimsuit more." Tiffany didn't respond immediately, and Kane shocked himself out of the moment. 'Shit, maybe that was too personal." His face felt hot as he cleared his throat. "Sorry."

"To want to see her in a swimsuit more!" She said with a chuckle. Kane followed her example. The two sat laughing at themselves for a minute. The bell marking the end of lunch brought them out of it.

"Aww, crap." Tiffany said with a tone that was a mixture of elation and fatigue.

"Yeah..." Kane replied, not much else to say to that.

"Well, shoot Kane. I said no more of the schmaltzy maltzy stuff. How'd you get me back on it?" She accused him lightheartedly as the rhino turned to grab his bag and book.

"Maybe you just needed to get it off your chest?" He offered as he returned to the door. She nodded in like-mindedness, eyebrows high on her forehead.

"I really think I did," Her tone shifted quickly, "But let's be clear on something." she said seriously. Digging a finger into his chest

"My lips are sealed." Putting his hands up, his sketchbook held in his fist. Tiffany faux punched him in the chest, cementing the unspoken agreement. Then she held out a pinky halfway between the two young adults, between the two friends. Kane furrowed his brow but moved his sketchbook to his left hand so he could mirror her. Their pinky's intersected and oath forged.

Something passed between them as their hands shook. Kane felt a little childish, pinky promises were things of elementary school. But it oddly felt right in the moment. He smiled at her. She smiled at him. And to acknowledge it once more she said, "To falling for our best friends."

"To falling for our best friends." He answered.

......

The second half of the day was less eventful. Hours of calculus, physics, and study hall ticking on like grains of sand draining from the hourglass till the end of the day. Kane was beyond caring about definite integrals or kinematics today. How could a twenty-five minute lunch be so emotional? He tapped a rhythm on his desk, absent minded, present only in physical form. One of the best and worst things about having study hall last period was that it gave him time to think. And for someone obsessed with thoughts like Kane, that was a delicious poison.

Thoughts about Deacon, his lifelong friend, the person he's dating, his hero, his crush, his... boyfriend? That label didn't feel right but it layered on top of all the others, creating a mess. Not that the other layers were crisp on their own. It clouded his perception, murking his mind's eye.

And then thoughts on Tiffany. A penguin who he never talked to more than a handful of times, and never on his own before. A colleague that he knew by association with the others. And all the new things he learned about her. Her vibes, her mannerisms, her bearing. Her crush on Shirley. It soaked up attention from all the other things.

His date two weeks ago, his date tonight. His new relationship with Deacon. Whatever the hell was going on with Deacon. And not to mention all the other crap of just living in the world.

It was a mountain, and he was just one Kane. But as a man that loved thinking, he knew what to do.

'Alright, alright. One thing at a time.' He thought with a shake of his head. Kane wrote a list on a fresh sheet of notebook paper. First was Deacon. 'Too much I don't know.' Tiffany's bomb at lunch exploded and sent dust to the far reaches of his atmosphere. 'Why'd he not tell me something was going on?' This was the most important question concerning him. 'Tiffany said this started two weeks ago, so ever since our date.'

The lookout point, they had left there a few minutes after the sun set, quite late in the evening. They had both left happy, or Kane was fairly certain they both did. Kane wanted to trust himself on that one. There were a lot of times he second guessed himself, this wouldn't be one. It would ruin that wonderful moment.

'Nothing good can come from thinking it's me. Right, Tiffany?' He reminded himself. It was hard, it felt like a Sysiphean task. 'Cause if it is me, what then?' Another question with no answer and a thousand worries. 'No! No! No! Can't think that way!' He decided to leave Deacon alone for now. Tiffany was right, without Deacon, speculation was worthless.

He wrote another name, Tiffany. There were a number of odd moments between them on the roof and each one was difficult to process, they knotted together like a yo-yo string that halted the spinning gears of his mind. He wrote the first of many, 'She came to me for help with Deacon.'

That really told the rhino a few things. 'She thought I could help.' Tiffany had come to ask about what was bothering Deacon. That touched Kane, he wasn't used to people thinking about coming to him for help. He lived his life three steps away from anyone besides Deacon, for someone to seek him out was a... well, a new experience. 'She wanted my help. And I wanted- want to help her.' He hadn't really resolved anything though, that stung. His eyes flicked to Deacon's name written on his paper, and shook his head. That line of thinking only ended in the same conclusion, he needed to see Deacon in person, and he would tonight. He wrote "tonight" next to Deacon's name.

The rhino sighed and looked up to the ceiling, the tiles were just slightly askew, jutting up and out of place. Pieces of a puzzle that were forced together even if they don't fit. Tonight, he had a different feeling about it now, a different objective. Life seemed ever eager to pull him from his daydreams, but dealing with the harshness of reality was something he had been handling for a long time. 'Deacon needs help, and I want to help him. That's it. That's all.' A quiet rallying cry, a flag raised in his heart. The troubled rhino having zero hesitation.

He turned back to Tiffany's name

'She calmed me down, even when I was panicking.' He recalled as he wrote "panic" next to her name. That was... intense to say the least. He grimaced a tad, she tried to convince him otherwise but he still cringed at the memory. But even then, even still. 'She helped me calm down, she helped me. Just like she wanted to help Deacon.' He drew a line connecting their names, the word help was quickly scribbled on top.

'And then, there's Shirley.' A third name. An arrow quickly penned from the penguin to the otter. Crush written on this one. Kane smiled a little, uncovering their mutual understanding of one another was probably the biggest thing to happen on that rooftop. Two parallel lives, two friendships, two crushes, two lovelorn fools. And he had noticed it. Kane did his best not to notice things, others were messy and complicated. 'Not that I'm really any less complicated.' He thought with a sigh.

People. Others. Strangers. Unknowns. Variables. Complications.

That had been how he thought, he still thought like that pretty often. But... He looked at his diagram, three names, three points. Kane traced one last line from Shirley to Deacon, writing friend along it, a triangle emerged. 'Deacon, what do you think?' He asked himself.

Kane had watched for years as Deacon swayed and soared between his friend groups, effortlessly dropping in and out of crowds. Skipping from conversation to conversation. A skill Kane envied. A talent he couldn't develop with a sketchbook and noise canceling headphones. It required people, it required complications.

'Why can't it be as easy as talking to you, Deacon?' He asked. He wrote his own name on his diagram, their tether called "easy". He sat his pencil down to breathe for a minute, garner a look at his surroundings. Across the room were a couple dozen students, almost everyone was ignoring the study part of study hall. Two boys playing on Nintendoggos. Two girls painting each other's nails. A handful of classmates reading volumes of some manga. That last one caught Kane's attention. Three of them were crowded around the one volume, reading the art, seeing the words. The one in the middle would hold the page open for a couple seconds before flipping it to the next. The group didn't speak, a silent communication passed between them when they were ready for the next page. The page moved, the cycle repeated.

Kane took stock off them, it would be a great piece to sketch, if his book wasn't filled. It reminded the rhino of Tiffany, the way the two of them crowded around his sketchbook. 'Oh yeah, I did do that too. Go figure.' He added a line between him and Tiffany, "Likes my art." The feeling popped little bubbles in his stomach, the fizzy feeling brought a smile up his lips.

'See, Deacon. I can do it if I try!' He had thrown caution away, stepped out of his comfort zone. And it felt great! He snickered to himself as he felt his ego swell, 'Someone likes my art. Tiffany likes my art of all people.' An odd penguin, her, but she liked his art nonetheless. And it had been simple, it was no sweat, despite the anxious brow of sweat he had, it was ... easy. That realization sobered him up a little, breath hitching in his chest. His eyes shimmied down to his diagram. Three names surrounded his own. He wrote easy next to his line to Tiffany, and circled it twice. Kane circled the easy around Deacon's line. 'Easy.'

What made it easy, what made that interaction easy and others hard? Kane pondered. It kinda threw his whole world view askew. If he had been avoiding interaction with people because it was hard, what was he to do with evidence that it wasn't. 'Ignore it? But I don't want to. I don't want it to be hard! I want-'

His hand was moving on its own, he finally realized what it was doing. It was circling more and more around the word "easy" on his and Tiffany's line. 'Joy... You make it sound so... easy.'

Why? Questions on questions, this exercise wasn't really doing much good at helping him find answers, but it did help him sort out his thoughts. He wrote the one conclusion he could on the top of the paper.

"It can be hard, and it can be easy. What makes it easy and what makes it hard?" He tapped his fingers along the desk, a piano made of plywood. The noise of pages flipping caused him to turn his head. The three were still looking at manga. A new volume this time. Six eyes were deadset on the visuals. Their pupils flitted left and right across the surface. He was certain their imaginations were running rampant, their brains filling in the action between panels. Putting in motion. Showing off movement.

'Where I am and where I want to be.' He thought. It was what he was pondering back there on the rooftop before Tiffany showed up. 'What next step did he want to take?' At lunch, under the sun, it was a question about his relationship with Deacon. Here in study hall, beneath buzzing fluorescents, it was about something else. About what he wanted to do for himself. 'Fuck..' It always seemed to come back to him and needing to initiate change. Recognizing his own shortcomings, and working past them.

And that wasn't easy, he knew! It's easy to get stuck. Easier to remain stagnant than push yourself out of your box. Especially when that box had been with him since childhood. He struggled with his social anxiety his entire life. With the friction and insecurities that blockaded his relationships and his happiness. And it really fucking sucked. It sucked when he had to hide his crush to avoid losing the one person he could interact with, it sucked fearing just speaking to other people, it sucked when people tried to talk to him and he felt so freaking awkward, it just sucked. 'It can be hard.'

'But, it can be easy...' It was easy showing off his art to Tiffany once he opened his sketchbook, it was easy to admit his feelings to Deacon when he asked, it was easy to open up to Gale about his date.

It can be easy and it can be hard. The steps were hard and the results were easy. An unfortunate juxtaposition. A hurricane of uncertainty and in the center was Kane. A rhino struggling with himself for himself.

'But not just me' A trio bound him, gave him shape and form, boundaries, purpose, distinction against the background. 'Deacon's struggling, with what I don't know, but he is. And I want to help him' He drew another line between the two of them and wrote out his conviction on it. He saw the same thing he wrote on Tiffany's line before. 'And I'm not alone.' He put boxes around those words. 'And not just us.' He wrote it on Shirley's tether to Deacon too. A third box.

'I don't want to live in a world where helping others is cringe' He paraphrased Tiffany.

'And I don't want to live in a world where I can't help my friends.' He added. His eyes opened up. "Friends", multiple, plural. It used to be a term reserved for Deacon, a pedestal for just the alligator. A way to distinguish him from the background. From the complications. Cause he wasn't complicated. Deacon, he understood.

'Like how I understand Tiffany's struggles with Shirley...' The word crush stared back at him from his paper. He marked his own tie to Deacon with the same word and drew hearts around both.

Understanding. The word had such breadth in his mind. Understanding took many forms, he understands derivatives and the Fundamental Theorem of Calculus. He understands how to compose the anatomy of over a dozen species accurately from memory. He understands how cause and effect were related. And he understands what it means to want another. And how It tastes bittersweet alone.

But with another, it tasted different. 'Salty sweet? Maybe?' he thought with a snort. He remembered the irritation in Tiffany's voice as she denied his inquiry, the relief in her laugh as she turned back to face him rather than leave the rooftop, the frustration in her admission of jealousy, and the joy as she spoke of Shirley. A bittersweet joy, a salty sweet camaraderie.

'I understand Tiffany. I really understand.' He mentally spoke to her name on his paper. Understanding.

He painted the word under his diagram, his linking chains, his connections. 'Like I understand Deacon.' he said to his name. A gator who is struggling, a gator he wanted to help, a gator who he could help. A gator he wanted to hold.

Sense was coming out of the knotted neurons and woven thoughts. 'Understanding.' He thought. 'I understand, Deacon, I understand suffering alone. I understand, Tiffany, I understand having an unrequited crush.' He drew big ovals around the pairs like an eccentric Venn diagram. There was just one link that didn't have any line, no cord, no rope. Him and Shirley. He smiled.

'I understand Shirley, I understand wanting to help a fellow friend." A third oval. A final relationship. Another friendship.

The rhino closed his eyes and rested his head back. A page turned, Nintendoggos beeped, he smelled acrid nail polish. 'I understand, everyone, I understand wanting to understand others'

'And some of them understand me.'

A goofy gator, a kind otter, a chaotic penguin. A group of friends. They understood him.

The mountain shook, pebbles slipped down and from the remains stood the three of them. Shining bright in the haze of complications and the fog of anxiety. Three where there used to be only one. They blazed like the sun, moon and stars. They refracted lights into color, waging war on the gray. Kane laughed to himself, his cheeks aching from the size of his smile.

'I struggle. They struggle. We struggle, but we don't need to struggle alone.'

'I understand.' He opened his eyes. The ceiling tiles were still skewed, errors layered across them. Edges that came close but didn't align. Imperfect at a glance, when taken in isolation. Yet still tangible, complete, whole.

Real.

Wonderfully imperfect.

The bell ringed, bringing the school day to an end.

......

He found her, she was by her locker. Shifting papers from the metal to her cloth bag. Kane hadn't seen her since Deacon's party, since he promised to show her his art. But that wasn't why he sought her out. He had another goal. He took a deep breath and rehearsed his words again. Initiating conversation. Low on his list of skills, one that he could admit to himself he needed to work on. 'No time like the present.' He stepped forward.

"Hi Shirley." He called to her, painfully self-conscious of the way his voice cracked. The otter turned to look at him, eyes lighting up upon recognizing him.

"Kane! How are you? I haven't seen you in forever!" She said. The otter turned towards him to match his stance. Kane scratched his cheek as he smiled sheepishly. Her energy was always perky, always peppy, always positive. It helped ease some of Kane's worries. Some.

"I-, I'm, I'm doing okay. How are you?"

"Hmm, pretty well! Just dreading the English paper I have to write before Friday, ugh. Just one of those things, you know?" She answered with a shrug.

"Yeah, English definitely isn't one of my favorite subjects either." He replied. 'So far so good.'

"Yeah, well. C'est la vie. Did you need me for something? I got to head for practice if you wanted to walk with me." The way that she got to the root of it, the ease she could turn the conversation towards a new topic, a gentle tug. 'God, why can't I just do that.' He thought quickly followed by, 'Wait! That is what I am trying to do!'

"Sure, I'll walk with you." He said. The duo turned after Shirley closed her locker, around them classmates were heading off to who knows where. Two of them trying to navigate the chaos, the complications, the movement. Kane tried to get his words out to communicate what he wanted, he kept getting distracted by something else in the hall. The slam of a locker, the brush as a stranger moved passed him, the smell of someone that needed to take showers more regularly. He prayed to God that wasn't coming from him. In the end, Shirley spoke first.

"So, Kane. I've, uh, actually, I've been meaning to ask you. How are you and Deacon doing?" 'Subtle, graceful, easy.' Another tug in a direction, Kane tugged on it too. Using the tension to drag words out of his lungs.

"Actually, that's also why I'm, why I came to find you." He gripped the straps of his backpack, imagining it was a real rope he was using to pull him through the raging sea

"Oh? Is everything okay?" Genuine concern, for him, for Deacon. 'I understand, which should make this easier.' He hoped.

"I... No, not really." The rhino admitted. He looked around as they passed out of the building. It was less crowded out here, less chance of anyone overhearing them. He still had a promise to Deacon to keep.

"Oh, no! What's up? Did something happen?" He looked briefly into her eyes and felt the connection. 'I can do this. It's for Deacon. And me.'

"Well, Tiffany found me at lunch today. And, uh, told me Deacon's been... off lately." Shirley looked down to the ground as they continued walking towards the pool. "And, she let me know that you, both of you, have been concerned." She didn't answer for a moment. Kane took a moment to look around at the crowd. Nothing cleared campus faster than the end of the day. A couple thousand teenagers that wanted to be anywhere but here. Usually he was in his own car by now.

"Do you know why?" She asked, the touch of concern still there in her voice.

"I, I don't. I actually didn't even know he was acting like that. I'm sorry." It was hard admitting that, the same question of why didn't Deacon tell him anything came to mind. He tried to gently push the thoughts away as he. "But, that's, that's-" He took a moment to breathe, steel himself, pull on the tether between himself and Shirley. "But that's what I came to talk to you about. I'm, I, I'm going over to his place tonight. He actually just invited me over today and... I'm, I was going to ask him what's going on. And if I can help him." He held his head up, tried to look strong. "Let him know that, that we're all here for him, if he needs us." It was the first time he said it out loud. He could spend hours rehearsing words but putting words and thoughts into action, he was worried he would balk and shut down. He has taken quite a few steps out of his box in this conversation. Each one was like going through mud. Sticky tar pulling his will down into muck.

But he said the words, they were out in the universe. He wasn't stuck yet. He turned to look at Shirley, she was looking back at him. Eyes wide. He blushed and looked away.

"Uh..." he continued. 'Did I say something weird?' He had been rehearsing so it wouldn't come off weird, looks like he failed. "I, uh, just wanted you to know that, if I learn something, I'll let you know." That was the end of his speech. Shirley blinked.

"Alright, who are you, and what have you done with Kane?" She said.

"What? What do you mean?"

"The Kane I know has never looked that determined. Or confident."

"Ah, yeah, right." He rubbed the back of his head.

"Oh, sorry, sorry. I didn't mean anything bad about that, it's just, just. You just sounded pretty cool."

Cool. That's a descriptor he's never used to define himself. Hearing Shirley say it was... heartening.

"Oh, uh, you think? All I was doing was, was letting you know that I know, you know. That I know Deacon needs help and that we're here for them. And that," He gulped."I'm here for you too, if you need help. I don't know what good that help is but.." He clenched a fist. He sighed aggressively. Mentally preparing to leap the furthest away from his box as he's ever been.

"But, I don't want to live in a world where I can't help my friends." He pulled his hand off the back of his head. They had reached the entrance to the locker room, other women were walking past him into the doors. He had to guess that they were other members of the swim team. He squared up to Shirley though, his chest felt free, standing tall. The world was fading away, chaotic complications blended into the background, out of focus. His anxious mind was settling down. The hard part was over, all that was left was the results.

He knew he did it right, said it right, communicated right. Took a step in the right direction. Shirley looked a little stunned.

"I.. Kane.."

"Shirley, you coming? Coach is starting warmups soon." A dolphin teammate called from the entrance to the room. The intrusion pulled Shirley's attention away.

"Oh, Carly. I'll be right there." She said. The dolphin nodded and walked back inside. The otter turned back towards Kane.

"Sorry if that sounded weird..." Kane said. Shirley closed her eyes and breathed for a moment.

"No, Kane. It wasn't weird. It wasn't weird at all." Wind picked up and blustered through her fur. Sparse foliage in the courtyard followed suit. She chuckled a little. It sounded like wind chimes. "I take back what I said earlier. You can keep the old Kane. I like this one way better." The rhino smiled.

"Well, I'll work on keeping this one around. I like him more too." He said. The praise was a refreshing elixir to his timid soul.

"Look, I'd like to stick around and talk but I'm late enough as it is. I got to go." She nodded towards the locker room.

"No, yeah, I understand."

"But, before I do." She stepped quickly up and reached around him and pulled him into a hug. Kane was shocked. His arms were hovered out away from her, held in the air, unsure of where to go. Eyes flicking all around. Mind racing, heart pounding. Shirley was pulling him close, closer than anyone besides Deacon had ever gotten. His spine tensed up. She stepped back after only a couple seconds. Kane's mouth was agape and his brain function was flatlined.

"Uh.." he gawped.

"Oh, sorry. Maybe I should have asked." Shirley put her hands to mouth.

"I, uh..."

"I'm really, really sorry, Kane. I'm just a hugger." She said, her eyebrows scrunched in contrition.

"No, that's.. Um, uh, maybe, maybe just ask next time, first. So, so I- I can be ready.." Next time, what a strange thing to say if he could think about it. He wasn't really thinking too much about anything since he was still like a deer in the headlights, caught off guard by the surprise. His eyes were still looking anywhere but at her. His face surly a bright shade or red, an errant thought went through his mind on whether he could recreate it in his pictures.

"Right, I'll definitely do that. You go, go to Deacon and let me know how it goes." She turned towards the locker room.

"Of course," He said after her, recovering enough to reply to her. The locker door creaked open, well worn screws that needed oiling or replacing. She stood on the precipice. With a twirl she looked back at him. A smile on her face.

"You know, I was right about you." She pointed a finger at him.

"What do you mean by that?" The rhino asked with his head cocked to the side.

"I knew you'd make each other happy! Okay, got to go. Bye, Kane!"

And she was gone. Kane could only blink after her, the wind picked up again. Sun shone on his face. A beautiful day. 'We make each other happy?' He asked himself. Clouds passed lazily by, at rest and at peace. Yet also in motion.

Fingers thumbed through his phone, past photos of the many things he wanted to draw to the one thing he hadn't drawn yet, the one thing promised never to draw. Air tickled his cheek, his skin remembered the touch. A kiss. Despite memorizing the details, he always found something new when he looked at his selfie. In his own eyes, the way he looked, his posture, his dimpled cheeks, his frame, his smile, in the joy he had.

But just the same with Deacon, the arms round his shoulder, the way his eyes were only partially closed, the curve of his brow, he had to crane up to reach his cheek, how soft his lips looked. It was a perfect picture, a wonderfully perfect picture.

'We do make each other happy.'

"God, I love you."

He put his phone away as he walked towards his car. First things first, a chai tea. And then to Deacon's. To go see the man he loved.