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The Adventure of a Lifetime

Your name is Chad. You are a 6 foot tall, 29 year old man with blonde hair, scars from acne as a teenager, and you have never had a girlfriend before in your life, despite having a name that is literally a meme for an alpha male that steals everyone's girlfriends. You dropped out of high school to pursue your dream as a street performer. Sadly, it didn't work out. You failed. Fantastically. And now, it is your first day at a new job. Your task is to move heavy boxes from receiving, where UPS, FedEx or the mail courier delivers them, to the departments of a hospital which ordered them. It has been a quiet day so far. But now a UPS man stands before you. He either has an evil look in his eye, or you are just paranoid.

"Please sign here," he says, holding a gizmo up to you.

You sign the electronic screen with a plastic stylus, but you sign it Brad, instead of Chad. You don't like your name being in the system. That's how the man gets you, after all.

The evil UPS man walks off. You know he's evil. You can tell these things.

Choose your destiny:

A. Follow the evil UPS man. Secretly. Continue story at 6297 (directly below)

B. Take the afternoon off. You deserve it, man. How about miniature golf? That sounds like a good idea. Continue story at 2821

C. Proceed to do your job, as you were hired to do. It's your first day you idiot, don't fuck it up. Continue story at 4464

6297:

You decide to do what any sensible person would do in your situation. You follow the evil UPS man. Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.

As he leaves the building, he walks toward a big brown truck that says UPS on the side. He certainly has gone to the full effort of pretending to be an ordinary UPS courier. It takes a keen eye such as yours to be able to tell the difference. He is none the wiser of your pursuit. You're a sneaky one.

He gets in his truck, and as he is starting the engine, you grab hold of a fingerhold on the back of his truck. The truck revs up to life and starts moving. You find yourself being taken for a ride. Soon, it stops once again. This time, at a blue house. He makes the mistake of leaving the keys on the seat.

Choose your destiny:

A: Steal the UPS truck. So long, sucker. Continue story at 4650 (directly below)

B: You follow him and see who is in the blue house and what their business is with the evil UPS man. Continue story at 1129

4650:

Ahh, the open road! After enjoying your successful defeat of the evil UPS man and vanquishing him to a pitiful vehicleless state, you have no boundaries. You could go anywhere.

RRIIINNGGG!! RRIINNGGGG!! A cellphone is ringing. It's coming from a man-purse on the passenger seat. It takes a UPS man who is truly secure in his masculinity to carry a man-purse. While driving, you open the man-purse and find the cellphone within. It says "Caller: unidentified". You answer it.

"Mister Michaels, have you delivered the package?"

What did the UPS man's voice sound like again? You couldn't remember. You hoped they wouldn't notice.

"It is delivered."

"Good. Your mission is complete. Five thousand will be wired into your Swiss bank account by the end of the hour, as agreed."

"Thank you," you say, and hang up. As you put the cellphone back in the man-purse, you notice a strange button on the dashboard of the UPS truck.

Choose your destiny:

A: Push the button! Continue the story at 4148 (directly below)

B: Turn on the radio. Continue the story at 6005

4148:

When you push the button, the UPS truck begins to transform. Metal slides all over the place, making badass sounds rather like a big gun being loaded. Out from the sides of the UPS truck, what looks like those warp things, "nasells" I think they called them, from Star Trek, extend. The truck leaves the ground and starts to fly into the sky.

"Initiating transit to motherworld," a robotic voice says.

"Cool beans," you say. Just then, the cellphone rings again. You take it back out of the man-purse and answer it.

"Whoever you are who stole my truck, you're in deep shit," said the voice on the phone.

"I spoke to your boss, he said he was putting 5000 dollars in your Swiss bank account," you say.

"Ahh, fuck. You did NOT hear that. The last thing I need is the intergalactic police getting on my case for accepting money on the side from some... No wait, you did not hear that either."

"I KNEW it! You're an EVIL UPS man!"

"Wait a minute, that voice. Are you the guy at the hospital? What the fuck!"

"Ha ha, sucker, I got your truck, catch me if you can," you taunt.

You are not sure if he heard you, because you suddenly notice the call was lost. That is the least of your troubles, as the flying UPS truck is now flying through space, into a giant glowing hole torn in the fabric of reality that is shaped like a big labia.

Choose your destiny:

A: Abandon ship! Jump from the UPS truck into the cold depths of space! I'm sure it'll be all right! Continue the story at 3374 (directly below)

B: Stick with it. Surely you will arrive on a planet of slutty fembots or catpeople aliens or something. Continue the story at 9112

3374:

You manage to jump into the cold airless void just in time before the truck flies into the space vagina. You can hardly imagine the horrible fate that you avoided there. Of course, there is absolutely no way you could possibly determine what would have happened to you if you had stayed with the truck. It's not like you could go back and do it differently somehow, right? And what could you possibly have missed out on. I mean, what are the odds that you really would have arrived on a planet of slutty fembots or sexy catpeople aliens, right? The odds of that are incredibly low. But there's no way you will ever find out.

Your eardrums burst from the pressure difference. It hurts. Your eyes are drying out, and lose focus. That hurts too, like you had lemon juice in your eyes. You feel awful all over, you feel as if you were put in a vacuum chamber or something. Oh. Right.

You resign yourself to your fate, as your consciousness begins to fade. You wonder if there's going to be any sort of afterlife. You would very much like to be a ghost and haunt someone if possible. It all goes black. But you hardly notice that, since you were already in space, and it was already black.

You wake up. You are in a soft bed. You look to the side. Your dead grandmother is there, sitting in a wicker chair. You never liked that grandmother. She was so gross and she kissed you even though you didn't want it. Oh yeah, there was also that other stuff. Now that you think about it, the kissing was actually about the least horrible of it.

Choose your destiny:

A. PUNCH HER IN THE FACE! That'll teach her to be a ghost granny! Yeah! Continue the story at 6262 (directly below)

B. Ask her if you're dead. Continue the story at 9117

6262:

You give her a haymaker to the face. She staggers backwards in shock and presumably the overwhelming pain from your amazing superhuman punchthrowing prowess.

"Clearly, you are of a race of superior intellect, to so easily see through my disguise." Granny shapeshifts.

"Behold, my true form, in all its glory." She had turned into some sort of giant slug creature, resembling Jabba the Hutt, but with slug slime all over it.

"You're too sexy for your shirt, all right," you comment sarcastically.

"I am indeed considered very attractive among my own kind. Apparently, my beauty transcends the boundaries of species, for even you to be allured. I only took on the form of your dead grandmother to try to put you at ease. But down to business. We found you freeze-dried in the vastness of space. We estimate you had been like that for 10 million of your EARTH years." The creature said "EARTH" with an accent of hardness. "Fortunately, once in that state, the information stored on your brain did not degrade to the point that we were not able to reconstruct it. We read the information from your mind, resurrected you, and would like to extend an invitation for you to join our society. We anticipate you to be a great scholar, who can teach us of the greatness of the long lost EARTH civilization, that was destroyed 10 million of your EARTH years ago, by a catastrophe which was at the same time devastating, impossible to predict, and the last thing you would have ever expected to lead to the extinction of your species, which I will conveniently not specify. You will have a position of prestige and respect among our race. What say you to this?"

Choose your destiny:

A: I say NAY! Continue the story at 4099 (directly below)

B: I say YAY! Continue the story at 8214

4099:

"NEVER!" you say. "For I am a free spirit that can never be tethered down into a life of prestige and respect.

"A pity," said the alien slug creature as a giant claw-like appendage forms out of the goop covering it and chokes the life out of you. "Back to deep space you go."

Your consciousness fades again. This time, for the last time. No dead grandmothers are at any light at the end of any tunnels waiting for you. You are flung back into deep space. Not that you would notice the difference, you're dead either way.

The end.

8214:

"OF COURSE!" you say.

"Glorious," says the formerly grandmother slug creature. "But first, we must change you into our type of life form. You simply would not be able to get by in our society being as hideous and disgusting as you are now. I can hardly even stand to look at you, and I'm a xenobiologist."

"I understand," you say. The slug creature vomits slug slime over you, and your body begins to change. Soon, you are fully slug-creature yourself.

"You can call me GLEEEEEEEERRKKK!!!!" says the other slug creature. "That is not my true name, for my true name would take over 9 thousand of your EARTH years to pronounce in full. I want you to be my mate. Together, we will lay thousands of eggs and lay waste to the galaxy. I mean, study. STUDY, the dead Earth civilization. Yeah, that's the ticket. Historical research."

You and your sexy slug creature mate live happily ever after, and lay waste to the galaxy. And you each squeeze out untold hordes of eggs from your slimy hermaphroditic slug gentials, each of which is approximately the size and shape of a volleyball. Most of which you eat. Because that's how you slug creatures do things in your slug creature land.

9117:

"Grandmother! But... you died! Am I... dead?"

"Yes, little one. This is what you call... heck. It's definitely not heaven, but not quite hell either.

"You went to heck too, grandma?" You are surprised she only made it that far.

"Yes, little one. Granny liked the kiddy porn a little too much. That and torturing small animals. Granny was a baaaad granny."

"Yes, I remember all those times you molested me as a kid. And that time you force-fed me my own pet kitten. I didn't like you very much."

"But I liked you. One more time, for old time sake?" she said, smacking her lips.

"Err, no. I'd rather not."

"Suit yourself. For now. That's your decision to make. For now. Uncle Willy is also eager to meet you."

"Oh god, not him! Surely at least HE went to hell proper."

"Sorry sweety, there is no hell proper. Everyone goes to heck."

"Well that sucks," you say.

"Not for all of us," she says, putting a hand on your shoulder. "It doesn't suck for everyone," she said with a perverted grin on her face, while she smacked her lips again.

The end.

9112:

You decide to stick with the UPS truck. Obviously it's your best bet. Only an IDIOT would take a dive into outer space without a space suit, after all. Unless he was killing himself on purpose, that is.

As you traverse the wormhole that resembles a vagina, you see through the window of the UPS truck/spaceship what looks to be a large number of clocks, of all sorts of designs. From this, you infer that you are not just being transported through space, but through time as well. Because you only see a montage of clocks floating through space when you're time traveling. Everyone knows that.

You reach the end of the tunnel of clocks, to find yourself before a planet. The planet is not Earth. No, it's not Earth but just in a different time, it's definitely not Earth at all. You know this, because there is a big flashing sign floating in space that says "This is not Earth". "Thanks for that information, flashing sign," you say.

Eventually the UPS truck, which is flying on autopilot, lands on this planet, which appears to be some sort of idyllic nature paradise. You wonder if anyone lives on this planet. Your question is answered, when you find yourself surrounded by a hoard of slutty fembots and catpeople. What appears to be the leader of the catpeople, a proud-looking catman with a physique like the incredible hulk, and what appears to be the leader of the slutty fembots, who looks exactly like all the other slutty fembots since they're apparently all made from the same model, step forward.

"MEOW! Welcome to the meow planet of meow catpeople and slutty fembots meow! IN THE YEAR 9009!!!! Yes, it's the FUTURE! Meow'm the leader of the catpeople meow! We find you incredibly meow sexy and would like to meow extend an invitation to you to meow do weird and perverted sexual meow things with us meow, as you live here meow on this nature paradise where meow no one ever grows old meow meow."

The slutty fembot says "Bleep blorp I am a slutty fembot. We exist to sexually service the catpeople since they find themselves incredibly unsexy. You must choose between us, however. We are tired of servicing the catpeople and if you choose them over us, though we will be grateful, we will leave them to you and not service you ourselves. Make your choice."

Choose your destiny:

A: An eternity of sexual bliss with the catpeople. Continue the story at 4450 (directly below)

B: An eternity of sexual bliss with the slutty robots. Continue the story at 1210

C: RUN FOR IT! Continue the story at 6688

4450:

"I'm sorry, I'm kind of a cat person myself. Figuratively, not literally, like them. I just mean, I like cats. And those are some sexy, sexy cat people, I must say. Literally, not figurately, like me. Though maybe they like cats too."

"We don't. We're more dog people, figuratively," said the catpeople leader. "That's part of why we find ourselves so unsexy."

"We understand," said the fembot leader. "We think it will get old, with time. So if you ever change your mind, here is our number." The slutty fembot hands you a huge piece of paper. On it is written in tiny font a number that is approximately 200 billion digits long.

You realize the magnitude of your mistake when you discover to your dismay, that all the catpeople - even the females, have huge spiked penises. But they're so cute aside from that, that you eventually learn to like the dick. Also, they shave off the spikes since they sort of like you too. And there's no way you could ever dial that stupid phone number anyhow. You're apparently biologically compatible enough that the females you sleep with get pregnant, and give birth to hybrid cat-people-people. You also have incest with them. You all have a grand old time together.

The end.

1210:

"I'm sorry, catpeople, I was kind of on the fence, but you see, I just can't quite get past your huge throbbing cocks. Even the women. If I can call them women. Wow. You're all really packing. You should wear some clothes, by the way. But I'm a delicate guy, and I'm going to go with the sex robots. No hard feelings."

"None taken," said the catpeople leader.

You go with the slutty robots. And just when you are about to have an orgy, their crotches all open mechanically to reveal they all have huge metal dicks. With metal spines, instead of natural ones. Well what were you expecting of alien sex robots that were probably originally constructed by those catpeople? You thought they would be built to human specifications? Silly silly boy.

"Oh shit!" you yell, as they pile on top of you. It was not a happy day. Not for you, at any rate. It was a very happy day for the slutty robots. A very happy day for them indeed.

The end.

6688:

"I'm getting the fuck out of here!" you say. You hop back in the UPS truck and jam down the button again. It lifts off, and speeds off into space.

A collective "AAAwwwwwwwww" can be heard audibly from below, as you fly upwards into the sky.

You fly back through the vagina-like wormhole filled with all sorts of clocks, and behold Earth. You are back in the Solar System. But something is wrong.

As you land, you realize there is no sign of civilization. You get out and look around. You are on a vast beach.

"Of course, I traveled through time! It's either the distant future, or the distant past."

"Future," a familiar voice says from behind you. "But not distant." You whip around. Before you stood the evil UPS man.

"Remember me, mother fucker?" he says, right before his fist sends you flying. You lose consciousness.

When you wake up, it is nighttime. You are lying on a towel in front of a campfire.

"You ruined my plans, you idiot. I was trying to save your world. And instead, now it's all gone. You're the last human being alive."

"How long was I gone?" you ask.

"About 2 hours," he says.

"What? But I flew through a..."

"A wormhole filled with clocks that looked kind of like a big vagina?"

"Yeah! One of those!"

"You went into the future on the way there, but you came back. Of course you would go back to the past. So the amount of time that passed was just the amount of time you experienced. Plus a few extra seconds because of the gravity of the wormhole. And the fact that you were moving at high speed and the effects of special relativity."

"Oh," you say. "So, magic then. So the human race was destroyed in 2 hours? With no trace of civilization anywhere to be seen? HOW!?"

"By a catastrophe which was at the same time devastating, impossible to predict, and the last thing you would have ever expected to lead to the extinction of your species, which I will conveniently not specify," said the UPS man.

"Oh. I guess that makes sense," you answer.

"I was here on your planet to try to prevent it. And I would have, if you hadn't stolen my truck, right when I needed it."

"Sorry about that," you say.

"It's no sweat off my balls, you're the one whose species is extinct."

"Well that sucks," you say.

"That it does," he replies. "For YOU. Though I AM still pissed off about the fact that I can't spend the money that was in my Swiss bank account now."

"So what now," you ask.

"That is up to you," he says.

Choose your destiny:

A: Rebuild civilization. Continue the story at 0727 (directly below)

B: Fuck it. Continue the story at 1919 (not far below)

0727:

"So how do we rebuild civilization," you ask.

"Excuse me?" he answers.

"Rebuild civilization," you reiterate.

"You're out of your mind if you think you can do that."

"Oh," you say. (continue reading)

1919:

"Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go back to my home planet," he says.

"See you. Say, are you by any chance a catperson or a slutty robot in disguise?"

"Oh, THEM. No, I'm not one of those silly people. I have better things to do with myself than associating with THEM. Well, see ya," he waved as he got in his UPS truck. You wave back as it flies off into the sky.

"What a strange evil UPS man," you say to yourself. "Well, time to live a brief, savage existence and then die, I guess. Maybe I should have stuck with the libidinous catpeople."

The end.

6005:

You turn on the radio. KBSX, Classic Rock until you drop. You start singing along with it. Because as everyone knows, only the coolest people sing along with the car radio. People who wear turtleneck sweaters and collect pogs and bottle caps, just like you. Cool people. The coolest. Just then, the cellphone rings again. You take it back out of the man-purse and answer it.

"Whoever you are who stole my truck, you're in deep shit," said the voice on the phone.

"I spoke to your boss, he said he was putting 5000 dollars in your Swiss bank account," you say.

"Ahh, fuck. You did NOT hear that. The last thing I need is the intergalactic police getting on my case for accepting money on the side from some... No wait, you did not hear that either."

"I KNEW it! You're an EVIL UPS man!"

"Wait a minute, that voice. Are you the guy at the hospital? What the fuck!"

"Ha ha, sucker, I got your truck, catch me if you can," you taunt.

"You FOOL!" said the evil UPS man. "Don't you understand, you've DOOMED US ALL! Well, no, not me. But you've doomed the whole human race at least."

You might have been concerned by this, if you weren't busy liquefying. And being a liquid, you haven't time to concern yourself with petty matters like listening to evil UPS men on telephones gripe about how you've doomed the whole human race. Instead, your concerns focus on matters more along the line of forming into a viscous puddle on the floor of the truck, shortly before the truck itself poofs itself out of existence as well. And you certainly are a pro at puddling, you do it like the best of them. It's a pity about that unforseeable disaster that resulted in all humans liquefying and every last tiny trace of their entire civilization ever existing completely vanishing in a matter of moments. Maybe you should have let that evil UPS man do his job. He'd have somehow saved the world, it seems. Well, the human race. The world doesn't give a shit about you or the human race, the world didn't need any saving.

The end.

1129:

"And you're sure that the human race will be doomed without this?" the man in the blue house says.

"Absolutely. If you don't submit to being transported off this planet right away in my temporally shielded UPS truck, it will cause a time paradox that will result in the complete annihilation of the human race and a trillion trillion others across the universe. You would literally be destroying half the universe if you didn't agree to come with me and be turned into a slug monster."

"Wait, what's this about a slug monster?" the man in the blue house says.

"There's no time to explain! You need to come with me!" The UPS man grabs the man by the collar and drags him into his UPS truck. The truck then twists and deforms and flies into the sky in a crazy lightshow that was more amazing than anything the human mind could ever conceive of.

You look up in amazement at the receding magic UPS man in his magic flying UPS truck. Perhaps you were wrong about him. Nah, he was an evil UPS man all the way. "Oh, he left behind his gizmo for accepting signatures," you say to yourself. And it was most certainly true. On the ground, was the small electronic device that the evil UPS man had you sign, with its little plastic stylus attached to it.

Choose your destiny:

A: Pick up the gizmo and play around with it. Continue the story at 1440 (directly below)

B: Leave it on the ground and go play miniature golf. Continue the story at 2821

1440:

"Man, this thing is fun to play with," you say, after playing with it for a while. "It has all sorts of functions, and games built in. I wonder if all of the signing gizmos UPS men have are like this, or if it's only EVIL UPS men."

You hardly noticed the flying saucer landing behind you, or the short aliens resembling fire hydrants surrounding you. Well, you saw them now.

"Hi, little fire hydrant creatures," you say to them. "Nice flying saucer you've got there."

"We have found him, high commander," one of them said into his wristwatch. "Transporting now!"

You all beamed up into a room with silver walls, Star Trek style.

"Neat!" you yell out. "Are we on board that flying saucer? What brings you to Earth?"

"You KNOW what brings us to this filthy speck of dust, avatar of Grog. That device you hold proves who you are. Deliver the being of tenuous existence to our custody or we will resort to extreme measures to make you talk!"

"Whoa, whoa, this gizmo thing isn't mine. It belongs to that evil UPS guy. I'm just..."

"SILENCE!" the alien shouted, hitting you with some sort of alien cattle prod, which delivered an electric shock that was more painful than you ever even imagined something could be. It was deep, that pain. Pain that went beyond anything that could possibly be.

"Ow!" you say unenthusiastically.

"Frignok! Bring him to the torture room!" A fire hydrant creature that you figured was Frignok led you to another room that looked identical to the previous one.

"You might as well have left me in the other room, this one looks exactly the same, and it's so barren, anything you do here, you could have done there." you say.

"Andavelosian scum. I will show you the true meaning of suffering!"

Frignok then picked up what appeared to be a feather duster and proceeds to tickle you.

"Ha ha, what are you doing, stop!"

"Suffer, vermin! You Andavelosians are deathly allergic to tickling. It is your great weakness. Everyone of my kind knows that, don't even bother trying to deny it. To any other life form, this would be slightly annoying, but to you, this is the torment of a billion lifetimes, compressed into every single tickle, and I shall tickle you like no other, for I am a master tickler, I have a degree in tickling Andavelosian scum!"

Choose your destiny:

A: You decide to pretend it is more agonizing than it really is. Continue the story at 3109 (directly below)

B: You give it to him straight. You're not really ticklish and were just humoring him before. Continue the story at 5428

3109:

"Nooooooo!! Anything but more tickling! It's so horrible! Don't you have any decency?"

"Ah ha ha ha, Andavelosian trash. Suffer, like you made my people suffer in the great pie conflict!"

"The great pie conflict?" you ask.

"Don't play innocent," said Frignok.

"What kind of pie. Was it pumpkin pie? I like pumpkin pie," you say.

"Stop insulting me. You know perfectly well all about it. You know how you hit our great leader with a cream pie, and set off a war of genocide between our warring factions."

"Then it wasn't me or my people who made you suffer, you have only yourselves to blame."

"Shut up! You supported that tyrant, he was your puppet, it doesn't matter if he was of our species, you orchestrated it all! In fact, if it wasn't for..."

Just then the ship shook and alarms went off.

"What the hell is that!" Frignok said, looking at the viewscreen which showed the space outside the ship. Apparently we had already left Earth and were flying through space. "Is that.... is that, a wormhole?" he said.

"It looks to me like a big vagina in space," you say.

"No one cares what you think, scum. Oh no, we're going inside!"

"Heh heh, we're COMING inside," you say. Frignok gives you a cold stare.

When a collection of clocks appeared on the viewscreen, tiling the inside of the wormhole, a look of fear appeared on Frignok's fire hydrant face.

"Oh great evil Grog ruler of the underworld, it's not just any wormhole, it's a temporally disconnected non-orientable reversed chirality wormhole of the 7th kind!" cried Frignok.

"Nice," you say.

"You set this trap in space just to catch us. You planned this all along! You devious monster!" shrieked Frignok.

"What can I say, I'm the best," you retort. "We Andavelosians are a superior race."

"You are indeed. We never stood a chance!" said Frignok. "All is lost." He started sobbing, cupping his fire hydrant face in his stubby fire hydrant arms.

Choose your destiny:

A: Take this opportunity to sneak off. Continue the story at 9903 (directly below)

B: Stay there and comfort Frignok. There there. It'll be ok. Continue the story at 8805

9903:

You walk to one of the doors at the edge of the room. It turns out to be the entrance to an escape pod.

"Wow, that was quite a stroke of luck," you say to yourself. "It's almost as if I have plot armor. I guess I'm invincible. Nothing bad will ever..."

Boom. The entire flying saucer explodes, before you have any time to get in the escape pod. Enjoy being slightly ionized and scattered across space.

The end.

8805:

"There there, little fire hydrant guy. At times like this, you can't be giving up so easily. When life gives you lemons, you PUNCH it in the face, because lemons are a terrible fruit, and you don't take no stinkin' lemons from no stinkin' metaphorical personification of life. That or you make lemon merangue pie. Which is almost as good as pumpkin pie. Or as a certain wise man once said, when you fall off the horse, you get back on the horse, and you eat that horse. Come eat that horse with me."

"Sniff, thanks. Maybe you're not so bad. Now that I think about it, I'd better vent the capacitors, or else the ship will explode. I have two duties on this ship. Venting the capacitors, and torturing prisoners, and by golly, I'm at least going to do ONE of them right!"

Frignok starts fiddling with some sort of controls and seems satisfied with what he's doing.

"That's the ticket, Frignok. Keep that chin up. Roll with the punches. And you'll be prepared to punch back! Especially the metaphorical personification of life, if it should have the nerve to give you any lemons."

"You're a very strange person, even for an Andavelosian. Has anyone ever told you that?"

"All the time. Especially my parents. And my grandmother, right after she'd get done molesting me after a hard day's work in the coal mines. I wasn't much big on those big sloppy kisses of hers either."

The ship drifted through the clock-filled wormhole and crash-landed on a planet on the other side. You wonder what sort of people might live there. For some strange reason, your intuition tells you to run screaming.

3 days later, on the surface of the planet of the catpeople and the slutty robots:

"Are you sure about this?" Frignok said.

"Certain. It is my destiny."

"It is your destiny to fly off into space in a spaceship I scrapped together out of garbage? You could stay here. With me..."

"No. For our love is one that was never meant to be," you say with a tear in your eyes.

"I will think of you always," Frignok said.

"You will always have a special place in my heart," you say.

"I will think of you when I masturbate," Frignok said.

"Ew. I mean, thanks," you say. You climb into the spacecraft thrown together by Frignok from parts made from an escape pod and parts of one of the flying saucer's lavatory without saying another word.

You tearfully wave him goodbye in the window of the spacecraft, never to be seen by them again. Dodged a bullet on that one.

The end.

5428:

"I hate to have to break it to you, but I'm really not that ticklish," you tell Frignok.

"Nonsense! The Andavelosians are renowned for being the most deathly ticklish in the entire cosmos!"

"I'm not actually Andavelosian. You just thought I was..."

"ENOUGH! I shall hear no more of this!" Frignok squealed in frustration. "Clearly, being a super-spy, you have hardened your body against it. But your biology will ultimately betray you! You cannot get away from it entirely!"

For the next 15 minutes, Frignok the master tickler furiously tried to tickle you. But to no avail. He ignored a ship's general alarm as it blared. Unfortunately for you both, his attention was drawn away from a certain critical need, one of his two and only two duties aboard the alien flying saucer. And soon enough, you found yourself all over that region of space. Because the ship exploded. That tends to happen to the occupants, when flying saucers explode. Have a nice day. So learn from this lesson. The next time you are abducted by aliens and brought into space in a flying saucer, even if you're not, you PRETEND to be ticklish.

The end.

2821:

"This all seems terribly amazing and interesting, but for some reason, I have an irresistable urge to play miniature golf!" you say to no one in particular. You narrowly escape being abducted by aliens that beamed down from a flying saucer and surrounded the area where you just were. Little did you know. You would never know the peril you were in. Instead, that day would be thought of in fond remembrance by the fact that you got a hole in one on the last hole, thus earning you a free game. But the mafia thugs who owned the minigolf course did not take lightly to this. THAT part of the day would not be remembered as fondly by you. Just getting the free game.

"I SWEAR! I just got it in by luck! And maybe a little skill, but I could probably not do that again one time out of 10!" you gasp, while tied to a chair, your nuts being electrically shocked through wires.

"A likely story. Did Tony send you, to DESTROY our business?"

"I don't know any Tony," you cry almost unintelligibly. "I just wanna go home, I just wanted to play miniature golf."

"I don't know, Tony," one of the thugs says to another. "You think he's tellin' the truth?"

"Wait! YOU'RE Tony?" You ask. "Don't you know that YOU didn't send me?"

"No, I'm a different Tony. I'm talking about Tony Macaroni, our sworn enemy. This here," the man waved motion to his torture partner, "is Tony Cannelloni, while I," he said, pointing to himself, "am Toni Rigatoni. That's Toni with an i at the end, not a y. The rest are y's."

"Fascinating mister Tony," you say. "AARGH! Why did you shock me again!?"

"You called me Tony. I'm Toni, with an i." he said.

"How did you tell the difference!" you cry. "They both sound the same! THHEY SOUND THE SAMMMMMEEE!!!... WAAHHHHHHH!!!!"

"Oh, I can tell. I can tell. Say it! Say my name!"

"Toni! Toni with an i! You're Toni Rigatoni!"

"That's right," Toni with an i said. "And don't you forget it."

"I won't forget it, please, just let me go!"

"Don't let us catch you around here again!" Toni with an i said. He undoes your bindings, picks you up, and dumps you out the door. Little did they notice, you managed to swipe his wristwatch. Little did YOU notice, the wristwatch contains the cypher for communicating with Tony Macaroni. That's RIGHT. For Toni with an i Rigatoni is a DOUBLE AGENT. Secretly working for his true boss, the one and only Tony Macaroni. And unfortunately for you, Toni with an i Rigatoni is willing to go to almost any lengths to protect this secret. Five minutes later, he discovers he is missing his watch. Fortunately for you, you PROBABLY are never going to see him again. Unless you do something STUPID, like going back to the miniature golf place for another round. But surely you would never be stupid enough to do that again. Certainly not on the same DAY. Right?

Choose your destiny:

A: Go back to the hospital. You have a job to do, and you're going to do it right. Continue the story at 4464 (directly below)

B: Go back to the golf course. Even though you swore you'd never show your face again. What could go wrong there, the odds must be against them being serious about that, right? Continue the story at 6266

4464:

It's still your first day on a new job, you remember. And you have a damn JOB to do. And any job worth doing, is worth doing right. After a small break to collect your thoughts, and write some dirty messages on the bathroom wall next to the toilet roll dispenser, along with some pictures of catpeople with huge spiky dicks, you go back to your post and get the package that was brought to you by the evil UPS man. It was still there, at your post. How fortuitous.

"To Radiology department," you read off the address. "How the fuck and I supposed to find that! Oh." you say, when you see the big overhanging sign that says "Radiology" with an arrow next to it. So you take your 5 pound package and lament that they are certainly working you to the bone, the slave drivers, and you make the long, arduous trek to the Radiology department. Which is like a 500 foot journey. Really. Like I said. Working you... To. The. Bone.

"...help!" you hear a whisper.

"Did someone say something?"

"Help! Please, help, over here!" The whisper was a little more resolved. You follow it. You enter a room, and find a girl hooked up to a machine.

"Please, help me!" she whispered. "Doctor Feinbaust has gone insane! He's trying to use me as the subject in a radiation experiment, that's just going to kill me! He thinks he's going to give me superpowers, or that's what he says!"

"Neat!" you say. "Like Spiderman? Did you get bitten by a spider?"

"No! It's not..."

"Oh wait, no, I guess, it would be more like the incredible hulk. Is that machine a gamma ray gun of some kind?" you ask.

"NO!" she whispered as loud as she could. "It's nonsense, and this is just a cat scan machine, but the real danger is that he's injected me with a deadly amount of radioisotopes and I need immediately treatment for radiation poisoning, and he also paralyzed me with anesthetics, that's why I can't speak, my voicebox is paralyzed. I just need you to get me out of here and call security!"

"It is too late for that," a man in the doorway says. He was dressed in some sort of supervillain costume. It was really spiffy. All yellow and red, with red gloves. "For it is I. DOCTOR FEINBAUST! DESTROYER OF WORLDS! BUA HA HA HA! AH HA HA HA HAAA!!!!"

You find yourself laughing along with his infectious laughter. "Ah ha ha ha ha!!!" you laugh back.

"AH HA HA HA HAAAAA!!!!" he laughs back at you, slightly louder.

"BUAAA HAAA HAAAA HAAAAAAAA!!!!!!!" you yell back at him.

"AAAAAAHH HAAAA HAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!" he yells back at you "HACK COUGH COUGH COUGHH!!!" He goes off into a coughing fit, after trying his voice too hard.

"You all right there, Mr. Feinbaust?"

"DOCTOR Feinbaust! You are a worthy adversary, um... what's your name?"

"Me?" you ask. "My name? Um, I'm uh, I'm Chad... man. Chadman! I'm CHADMAN, MASTER OF THE OBVIOUS!"

"It seems I have found an arch nemesis, Chadman."

"Every supervillain needs a superhero. Otherwise, the story would be boring," you say.

"Ahh, I get it. Master of the obvious. Yes, you are staying true to your motif! Well, Chadman, it seems you are faced with a dillemma."

Choose your destiny:

A: Switch sides. Who needs to be a hero? It's better to be the villain. Chadman, Master of the Obvious shall be the sidekick of the evil DOCTOR FEINBAUST! And together, this evil duo will take the world BY STORM! Continue the story at 8346 (directly below)

B: Get security and put an end to this fruitcake's insanity. You'll probably be praised and they won't fire you even though you've provided such terrible quality work on your job so far. Continue the story at 9804

8346:

"Well, I'm on board. Except I don't really want to be your nemesis. I want to join you," you say.

"This too is good. Doctor Feinbaust, and Chadman, the strongest rivals, combining forces! Nothing on Earth shall be able to stop us this time! World domination is assured!"

"Bua ha ha ha ha! Bua ha ha ha ha!" you both share an evil laugh. Little did you notice the burly orderly who smashes the hell out of your skull with a baton or a nightstick or something like that. Seriously, shortest-lived evil duo ever. Not that supervillain careers tend to really last all that long, in the real world, anyway. You and what's left of your mind after that traumatic blunt impact spends the rest of your life drooling in a padded room. For you met your match in your true nemesis, Orderlyman.

The end.

9804:

"HEY, SECURITY! I NEED SOME HELP IN HERE!" You yell at the top of your lungs. A burly orderly hears the ruckus and enters the room, with what looks like a nightstick. "Holy shit, they arm you with nightsticks? You could kill someone with that, easily," you remark.

"We don't want no trouble, Dr. Feinbaust. You've gone off your medication again, haven't you. Just because you're a doctor, doesn't mean you can ignore the orders of other doctors. Honestly, I don't know why this hospital puts up with you. Are you going to come along quietly?"

"Ah, you got me again, Orderlyman," Dr. Feinbaust says.

"Don't call me that, you fruit," the orderly says.

You as well as the orderly are praised for your work in containing the situation. Dr. Feinbaust was removed and brought up on charges of malpractice. And little did you know, a temporal paradox was narrowly averted that day, that would have erased humanity and human civilization as well as those of a trillion trillion others, but to you, it was just another ordinary day. Hurray! And you got to keep your job. Eh. Not that you liked it all that much. What with them working you to the bone like they did. You live the rest of your life in relative obscurity, and you never get a girlfriend, and you die alone without even a cat to love you. But hey, you played it straight.

6266:

"I didn't like being tortured at the end," you say to yourself, "but that was most assuredly the best game of miniature golf I at least have ever had." And against your better judgement (if you had such a thing), you decide to go right back there. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU!???

It was around the 7th hole (out of 18), when men in suits surrounded you.

"Gentlemen, good afternoon," you say to them.

"The boss wants to speak to you," one of the goons says.

"Ah. You mean Tony?" you ask.

"No, I'm talking about Toni," he responds.

"Ah, the one with the i," you say.

One of the other goons says, "wait, what? But you just said the same th..."

"Quiet, Little Tony number 3. You are only to speak when directly spoken to."

"Yes sir."

Soon you find yourself in a posh office. Not strapped to the chair, just sitting in it. Not being tortured. Well that was an improvement. Sitting before Toni. With an i.

"Nice watch," he says.

"Oh yes, it was my grandmother's, it was always my favorite watch, and she gave it to me on her dying day, when she said to me..." you start.

"It's MY watch. You stole it from me like 15 minutes ago."

"I'm sorry good sir, but you must be mistaken," you say.

He grabs your arm painfully, twists it around, unlatches the watch, and shows you the backside, which is engraved with the letters TMR. "TMR. Toni Mario Rigatoni" he says in an angry voice.

"Um, my grandmother's name was, uh, Terry? Yeah, Terry, um, Mitochondria, uh, Ribosome. Yeah, my grandmother's maiden name was Ribosome, and her full name was Terry Mitochondria Ribosome, yeah, that's the ticket."

"Oh really," Toni says. "Care to explain THIS then?" He unlatches a secret compartment in the back of the watch, which contains the cypher for communicating with Tony Macaroni. Of course YOU don't know that. How could you. It's not like you have access to information about the deeper meaning of the things around you that a narrator in a story might tell you about them, right?

"Oh, wow, I never even knew that was there. Oh grandma, you left for me a bigger legacy than I thought. I never liked you when you were alive, what with the disgusting sloppy kisses and the molestation, but all is forgiven now!" you proclaim.

"Still going with that story," he asks, slightly amused at the absurdity of it. "HEY BOYS, you can come in here now."

"I wonder what the other mafia guys would think about the secret stuff in the watch," you say.

"Uh, wah what?" he says, suddenly looking whiter. The secrecy of his status as a double agent, a traitor to the family, was in jeopardy! Two other men, both named Tony, entered the room.

"You need us now, boss?" one of them said.

"Whose watch is this again now," you say, a smirk on your face.

"Uh," he says, "of course, it's yours. From your grandmother. Right? Ha ha..."

"Ha ha ha..." you share in the laugh with him.

"I was just telling mister, um,"

"Chad," you say.

"Mister Chad here, that, um, all is forgiven, and I was apologizing for the trouble I caused him before."

"You all right boss?" One of the Tonys said, bewildered. Toni was sweating.

"We were discussing," you say, "how he was thinking of letting me in his 'family'. Wasn't that what you were saying, Toni?"

"Yes, of course. This fine gentleman, Chad, is going to be working for us, starting today," Toni with an i said.

"Whatever you say, boss," one of the Tonys said.

Toni laughed nervously.

And that was the day you began your life of crime slash working at a miniature golf place. They even let you work your schedule around your part-time job at the hospital, so you got to keep them both. Until you were fired from there the next day, for gross negligence. You eventually worked your way up and became the mafia boss, at the head of the top organized crime syndicate that controlled all the miniature golf places the world over. You found yourself a lady in the mafia family, and married into the family officially. It turns out that she was bisexual and wanted to add a girl to your relationship, and so the two of you got a mistress on the side, who turned out to be none other than the daughter of Tony Macaroni. Thus the three of you fell in love and stayed together, and bridged the two warring mafia factions together, cementing them all into one loyal family. Your kids grew up to become well-respected members of the community, only occasionally killing those who got in your way (you usually had other people to take care of the dirty work, without using your own children). Your descendants eventually fight, and lose, the war with the cat-people, when first contact is made, but that's ok, because they were good sports about it, and they provide you with lots of slutty robots so that there would be no hard feelings. The two species eventually immigrate to each others' planets and interbreed like crazy. And eventually, after 10 million years, the resultant combined race, or at least the one living on Earth (the one over there can't evolve because no one grows old over there and there can't be evolution unless there is death of the old to make way for the new), evolves into something you wouldn't expect of the offspring of catpeople and humans... a race of hideous slimy slug monsters with a penchant for laying waste to the cosmos and eating their own babies.

The end.