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The Delay Only Made It Hit Harder

By: A.X. Bueno

There were times I didn't think I'd make it you this year

For all the obstacles and hardships life has thrown though I still made it here

Arriving here is very much bittersweet

Passing through that unlocked and open gate to the whole purpose of this...retreat

Your grave, a sight that in person I now am able to behold

The sight and reminder that you're gone that I'll have to visit more than once

It makes all the emotions hit so much harder, at least tenfold

This was something I never could have prepared for on just about all fronts

I expected you to pull through as strong as you were but in the end I felt like a shocked dunce

That feeling eventually faded as I came to the circumstances such as they were

I thought I came to adapt to and accept your passing but now the emotions recur

I stare now at this house to your remains and others in your generation of our family and mourn

I'm standing by with my generation of family and feel like my hearts been twice torn

I go to comfort our kin and it all finally breaks through

Somewhat expectedly though not at the precise moment I start crying

Turns out I'm still capable of tears after all and pretty much all of them are for you

I hope you know how much you meant to me even though I struggled to put it words

I learned more now how much I meant to you and I'd break down again because of all that's happened and that I've heard

This trip has provided a relief, a comfort and a closure more than I thought I'd know

I will move forward to make you and others including myself proud but your memory...

Your memory and the memories you helped me to have and experience are things I'll never let go

I attended your service and visited so my grief can fade and eventually not stay

I visited your grave to come to terms with what happened last year, to let the pain out and hopefully away