FSE

Furry search engine

formerly SoFurry search engine

"I can be good sometimes

I'm a cheap queen

I can be what you like

And I can be bad sometimes

I'm a real queen

I can make grown men cry"

King Princess,

' Cheap Queen'

My head throbs. I groan, get up, pop an aspirinand down some water,almost managing to completely ignore the snoring hunk of athletic flesh taking up half of my bed.Right now Idon't feel much other than hungover. I chug an entire secondglass of water before throwing on some shorts, listlessly brushing the worst excesses of my disobedient fur in the bedroom mirror and heading downstairs for some much-needed food.

With the alcohol no longer coursing through my system, and blood notactively rushing to my dick, I can think a little clearer. So,last night...

Actually,no.I don't want to sit and spend my whole morning processingit. I've alreadyspenttoomuch of my life grilling myself for answers and, more often than not, findingnone. I knowhowI felt last night, and whathappened - thoughfogged someby inebriation- and that's that. It was messy, it was fun, it was deeply confusing, and that's just going to have to be okay.

What I want to do instead is make things right with Feather.

My feet take me all the way tomyopen-plankitchendineron autopilot, but asmy paw grabs for the door handlea thought ringsout in my head,sudden and violent,causing me to hesitate and retreat. Instead I make way to the living room in a daze, as if sleepwalking. I fish something out of a drawer, take a deep breath, and return to the kitchen.

Saph is already there sipping at a coffee, as I enter she greets me warmly. Caught somewhat unawares by her presence I take my first peek at a clock and realize it's a decent bit later than I must have subconsciously assumed. Makes sense. Saph wasn't drinking, of course she was the first to reach functional consciousness. I glance out into the garden and find myself even further behind than I had anticipated. A trail of smoke and a puffy red tail tell a story all on their own.

"How's your head hon?" Saph queries, her piercingly blue eyes at alertand aimed right at me.

"The painkillers are kicking in."

She chuckles. "That's good. Need a paw with breakfast? 'Cause-"

"I'll whip something up soon, after I-"

"-well, I've kind of been craving pancakes. But-"

"Oh, darling, pancakes? In that case-"

"-what did you need to do first?"

"-don'tlet me stop you."

"Ah hah!My roommate wants in after all?"

My stomach rumbles. It's mad at me because it knows I'vestartedeating less and that I'm planning to keep it upbut, fuck,it's alreadygettingdifficultnot to give in entirely andstuffmyself full of food. I need to take this whole 'healthier living' thingseriously, butIdon't want to torture myself. I justneed to take thingsonestep at a time.

"I mean, how could I deny such an incredible offer?Just go easy on the maple syrup if you would, babe."

A baby step is still a step.

"As you like it, sir." She mimes a bow then heads over to the stove top. She's far too lovely.

"But, yeah, I was going to head out and talk to Feather for a few minutes first - or, at this point, while you cook I suppose."

"I would offer Feather pancakes too, but theytold me earlier that they aren't hungry at all." Saph shrugs, hesitates,then looks me up and down, bites her lip andspeaks again. "You got this, Ash. Things will be right as rain againwith them in no time."

I just nod, lips pursed. The moment lingers, then passes. "Alright," I say. "Catch you in a few."

Sliding open the glass doors has my body locking up andthe bustle of my mind focusing into a single concentrated stream of anxiety until my head is full of nothing but a flood of thoughts questioning my every motion and motive. I let go of the wheel, allowing instinct and inertia alone to propel me onward. I know what I'm going to do, questioning whether it's a good idea or not at this point is immaterial. My plan couldhelpheal the rift I torebetween us, and that's all that matters.

I don't greet Feather as I approach, and though they turn to see who's coming, they don't say a word either. Sitting beside them at the edge of the pool, I open the laptop I've been clutching since my brief foray into the living room. Feather tilts their head toward the screen. I pull somethingoutfrom my pocket and offer it upto them.

"Wireless earphones," I say, simply.

Their paw moves to take the case, then they hesitate. "Yeah?"

"Yeah," I confirm.

They take the small container and flash me an uncertain expression. I can't read them exactly, but there's a certain underlying softness to their features that slows my beating heart just a little.

"Are you absolutely sure?" They ask. I nod, and soon enough they're set up to listen.

"Just..." I hesitate, cheeks hot. "Know that it will be shit."

They laugh, shaking their head, disbelieving me but not outright verbally contradicting me. I smile, find the right track, and hit play.

The next three minutes and change are painful and endless. I can hear the vague, tinny outline of my track echoing out of the earphones, but otherwise hear only my thumping heart. I don't know where to look so my eyes end up glued to the screen, tracking the progress bar as the play time ticks forward second by merciless second. I don't look for any early reactions from Feather, and regardless they don't give any. I'm sure they won't like what they hear, but I also bet they'll be polite.

Eventually - eventually - the song ends. They remove the earphones, putting them back in the case as they turn to me.

They're smiling. "It's legit pretty good." There's that toothy grin and an enthusiastic flick of the tip of their tail. I'm aflutter.

"Come on, really?"

They pass back the case. "Really! I would totally shake my tail to this at at the club."

I'm all bashful all of a sudden, rubbing the back of my head and avoiding eye contact. "That's sweet, but, I know my music's not exactly pro-level."

They shrug. "Keep at it. Those little details, the mixing and mastering, all that really technical stuff, y'know, it takes a lot of time. But, like, your song sounds good. It's fun, it's danceable. Don't be so hard on yourself." They're all warmth and kindness, just basking in their glow feels good, it's like their presence beside is me akin to being brought an extra a blanket and a mug of cocoa on a cool night. I made the right decision, opening up. I smile and stare at them, simply enjoying the lack of tension between us for a singular infinite moment. "I mean, I'm kinda talking nonsense 'cause I don't produce so, I got no idea about that technical stuff," they chuckle. "But I stick by it anyway."

"You know how to butter up your host, don't you?"

That buck tooth grin, then a grimace. "And how to piss them off too. I'm sorry about last morning."

"No, it's fine, I overreacted."

A shrug. "Maybe, but I hit a nerve. I get it. And you're here with your olive branch, so let me offer mine too."

"your offering up an olive branch for the crime of being curious?"

"No, I'm offering it for being overly familiar, and personal, and sticking my snout where it doesn't belong."

I grumble and stare at my paws. "But I want to be familiar with you."

A pause for thought, the brief return of a smile. "Of course, we get along real well - or have done, mostly - but we've only known one another a few days. Look, I know you know what I mean: I messed up, you didn't react the way you did totally out of nowhere."

"Fine," I say, "fine. Olive branch accepted."

"Good."

We lapse into silence. I don't know what else to say, I just want to, I don't know, hold them.

They straighten their back and open their arms and with a rush of euphoric adrenaline I practically tackle them into a hug. We're laughing, squeezing each other tight. We both so obviously wanted this. I needed this.

Saph breaks us up, as she did yesterday, except this time it's with the announcement of pancakes. I tell Feather in no uncertain terms that I'm excited to spend more time with them later, then I head in.

"The food might be a little cold," Saph says, "but I couldn't bear to call you in before you two had hugged it out."

*

It's a take-it-easy kind of day, all morning and most of the afternoon nobody dares to even suggest anything resembling a plan. Other than Saph we're collectively in recovery mode, and I know my roommate will be perfectly happy for a day of peace and quiet. There's a lot of lounging around, streaming television, casual conversation. We make and share a simple lunch and play another round of cards. We don't take Eve's prior suggestion of strip poker into any real consideration, instead she suggests the opposite, adding accessories - hats, scarves, gloves - as we lose rounds, which raises a laugh and some brief discussion, but ultimately we're all too exhausted to actually bother.

Throughout the day Jay is flirty and familiar, I stay receptive but steer none of his potshots further than they land, he seems happy enough with that. Eve is quieter than usual, less quippy but perhaps a bit more cuddly - she likes her hangover days especially low key. Saph on the other paw is bright and chirpy, but has no qualms toning herself back to accommodate our exhausted asses. Things with Feather are certainly better than before, there's no tension, no outright avoidance, but still I can't help feeling that something has changed, or been lost, between us in the fallout.

Their once proactive, even provocative nature seems to have been subdued. They seem to me to be more passive now, allowing our interactions to come as they may, rather than actively seeking them out. My slow realization of this dims the once shining euphoria of the morning, and leaves me wondering if I've irreparably damaged the future of our relationship - if I've doomed us to never become anything more than acquaintances. The thought of it hurts more than I want to admit to myself, but I do admit it. I may not see Feather again for a long time after these two weeks, I simply don't have time for layers of self deception.

Perhaps in spite of my concerns, I do catch them staring at me a few times throughout the day. Whenever I catch their eyes they offer a meaningful smile, then look away. Maybe it's nothing, one of those things you only notice when you look for it, none else than meaningless happenstance - I don't know - but I resolve to wake early tomorrow and spend some alone time with them, try to figure things out. Immediately the thought excites me; immediately it scares me.

Late afternoon comes the first suggestion of an actual organized activity. Among talk of potential dinner plans Jay clicks his fingers and lights up in an indisputably camp fashion - the body language striking me as especially adorable on the hunk of a figure he so easily cuts.

"Ooh, how about we go see a movie?" He asks, his tail wagging like that of a giddy pup. "The new Fast just came out, right?"

Eve and Saph are immediately on board. I'm moments from signing up - the prospect of experiencing some spectacle and fun without having to expend any real effort myself sounding just about right to me - when I catch the bushy tailed squirrel flashing me a look. Their head is tilted slightly as they stare right into my eyes. It only lasts a moment but there's an intensity to it that's enough at least to make me hesitate.

"I think I'll give it a miss," Feather says, turning to face Jay. "But you guys go on ahead! I kinda just want to lay down and enjoy the quiet for a while." They laugh politely at themself and Jay nods, smiling, before asking me what I want to do.

I side eye Feather, but their expression is pretty much blank as they await my answer. I want to go, a movie night sounds like fun, but I'd love to spend time with Feather too. I just can't tell if all of this has been their subtle way of offering exactly that to me, or if I'm making all too much of it and my suppositions are just some vibe-based mumbo jumbo like reading signs in tea leaves.

Oh, fuck it. If I'm wrong I'll just make popcorn at home and stick a movie on streaming.

"You know, I'm tempted, but honestly I could do with a lie down. You lot should totally have a cute little throuple date to yourselves though," I say, gesturing at each of the three moviegoers.

Eve chuckles and drags Saph into a squeezing hug. "You up for it cutie?"

My roommate ejects a squeak as her first response. Then, with a wag, acts a brief but affectionate nuzzle across the side of the shorter woman's snout. "Definitely!"

Just like that it's settled, and about half an hour later they're close to setting off. Saph catches me for a minute before they leave, says she was surprised I didn't want to join, asks if I'm angling for more time with Feather. I admit I'm hoping for it, but have no idea if they want the same. She thinks for a moment, then nods.

"Just, be careful will you? What is it with you and getting involved with people in relationships?"

"It's different with Feather," I answer before fully internalizing the implications of either her question or my answer.

"Of course it is, but it's still complicated."

"I know," I say. "I know." And it is, but I don't like thinking about it.

She smiles, hugs me. "I love you babe."

"I love you too," I say. She holds me tighter.

"Good luck," she whispers.

"Thank you," I reply, suddenly realizing that I'm not entirely_sure what the good luck is for, or what _exac __t_ ly_ I'm trying to get out of a little extra time with Feather in the first place.

Damn it, I don't care. Yesterday took me out of the mood for introspection and foresight. Blame the hangover, blame the argument, blame being around a bunch of people I love and who love me back for once, I don't know. I guess I'm just doing what I want to do, there doesn't have to be any more to it than that.

*

My hunch was right, I think. Only seconds after the door has shut behind the moviegoers - Feather and I having said our goodbyes - the squirrel turns to me.

"Not a fan of action flicks?" They ask.

"I like them alright," I state, sort of trailing off before returning the question. "How about you?"

"Yeah, they're not, like, particularly my thing, but sometimes they scratch an itch, you know?"

"Yeah..."

My doubts return.

Featherdrifts on down the hall a ways, unhurried and without obvious aim. "So you were just a bit worn out, or something?" They turn and ask, all casual.

"Yeah, I mean..." I scratch the back of my head and cough out a self effacing chuckle, avoiding eye contact as I continue, "and, well, I thought it might be nice to chill out with you for a while. I mean, like, if you just want to have yourown space, that's totally cool with me, obviously. Not like it's my choice in the first place anyway, I mean, like-"

Ifail to notice their approach until they'regiving my belly a playful prod. "Hey big guy, calm down." There's that buck toothed grin, that teasing flick of the tip of their tail. "I was actually kinda hoping you'd say something like that."

I can't stop myself beaming.

Minutes later we're in the pool. Feather is as pretty as ever in their floral bikini, while I'm dressed in some finally-procured purple swim trunks - Eve and Saph made sure I bought some in the mall yesterday, thank the stars for that because my forgetful ass would've walked right on through without thinking about it for the millionth time.

Feather and I are talking now, acknowledging the unspoken: that though we patched our wound there remains a kind of barrier between us, as if the bandage itself blocks our way. "It's just," feather starts, a little flustered and making the occasional gesture that causes splashes to ripple through the water. "I feel like I was _so_full-on with you so soon after meeting. I don't want to repeat that mistake."

"And I don't want you to act any way that you don't want to, or that makes you feel uncomfortable for whatever reason. But I do want to make it clear that you - like, yeah, you were a lot - but it wasn't_too_ much. I liked it," I laugh.

"But I did go too far yesterday, obviously."

"Kind of, sort of. Not even really too far, just, maybe, too fast."

"Still..." They struggle to find words. I struggle to fill their silence. "And the night before that, I was kinda getting all flirty. And now I'm like, whoa that's embarrassing." They scrunch their eyes and shake their head.

"Why's that embarrassing?" I ask, stomach turning, feeling repulsive and wrong, as if their implied rejection were a personal take down.

"Well, I mean, considering you barely knew me and that one of the only things you did know was how I make money, I can only imagine it made me seem like some sex-crazed slut. And on top of that you're gay, like, at best it probably made you feel awkward as hell."

"No, no, it wasn't like that at all. You're partnered with Eve and Jay, frankly an outgoing sense of sexuality is about what I expect," they chuckle and I join in. "And you're, like, the first enby I've ever properly met." I pause, and speak again a little quieter. "You're very pretty." They look up at me and smile a small, soft smile. It's a struggle to maintain eye contact, but I tap into my acting instincts and force myself to keep it up. "Is it not okay to be a gay guy and maybe, you know, theoretically, be questioning whether you're attracted to some enbies too?"

Their smile grows, they look down at our distorted bodies beneath the pool water for a few seconds before returning focus to the conversation and shrugging exaggeratedly. "It's totally possible. But like, it's up to you - I mean, you know, the proverbial, theoretical, 'you' - in such a situation. It's all a matter of identity in the end. At least that's how I see it."

"Well, Feather, I have something shocking to admit."

"No? Go on," the buck teeth are back.

"It's not theoretical. I was talking about me. I'm that poor, questioning gay."

"Fucking shocker!" They exclaim in mock surprise.

"I know, right?"

"That OnlyFur shot I flashed last night really affected you, huh?"

"Hey, what can I say? A good butt can change a life."

"You're right, I needn't have been worried. You're almost as much a flirt as Evelyn. The only surprise now is that you haven't subscribed to my OnlyFur."

"I might have thought about it once or twice in the last twenty-four hours," I admit, with only the slightest tinge of shame, shrugging and looking to the sky. "Thought it might be overstepping some boundaries though."

"Or maybe you were just hoping I'd let you in for free." They laugh and I lift my paws, palms to the sky, in surrender. "Play your cards right and it might just work," they tease, bringing my gaze back to them as they sear a sultry stare into my retinas until they can't keep themselves together a moment longer, the absurdity of the situation becoming too much to handle as they burst into an even larger bout of laughter. I join in, my tail attempting its best to wag its way through the water, happy and feeling closer to Feather than I have in days, or ever.

When our laughter fades an unfortunately familiar quiet settles over us. There are smiles, flashing glances, thoughts and feelings, but, ultimately, nothing is said. In spite of everything, some kind of barrier still remains between us, and I think I know exactly why that is.

"So," I say, at length. "I wanted to answer your questions, finally."

"What do you mean?" A quizzical, tilting head. "What questions?"

I take a deep breath, then exhale slowly, leaning back against the edge of the pool and settling my gaze firmly on the clouds.

"About Kale, the whole situation between the two of us, why things are the way they are."

In my peripheral vision I see their wide-eyed expression, their frantic paws waving in dismissal. "No, look, it's fine. You don't owe me that. That stuff is between you and Kale. I was a dick to ask, we've been over this."

"But you were right to doubt my reasons, Feather, my motivations. And you want to know the truth."

"Well, I-"

"And I think telling you will bring us closer, and I want to be closer to you." Their jaw clamps shut, they go quiet. "And hey, maybe putting all of this out there to someone other than Saph will help me keep my head screwed on straight. Another empathetic ear might be just what I need."

I stop speaking and wait. They close in on me, settling just a little ways to my left, positioned now the same way we've sat together these past few mornings, just in the pool rather than beside it.

"Okay" they say. "I'm listening."

I swallow, stop, think, then ask them not to share a word of what I'm about to say with anyone. They agree readily. I decide to trust them.

I start briefly with the events of years prior, my relationship with Marty, meeting and dating Kale, all of that complicated awful mess in the States. I tell them about the aftermath, about moving back to Canada. All of this they will already have heard a version of from Eve, but they listen to my perspective in appreciative quiet, offering only occasional nods and an attentive ear.

I tell them about Kale coming up to visit two years ago, about how he was when he got here, how he told me all about his arguments with Adrian and Adrian's doubts about their relationship, and his own doubts about the same. I tell them about the two of us heading home, tipsy, deep in tension. I tell them how it felt, what I thought, what I wanted. I tell them what happened. I tell them about Kale's cock in my throat. The thrill and the fear. I tell them everything.

At a lull they clear their throat, muster up some courage and say: "wow." They say: "that's complicated." They say: "I see why things have been difficult between you two since then. And the wedding? Yeah." Another pause. "I guess - I mean, not to downplay cheating, but - I guess, at least it was a long while ago, and at least it was only oral." They shrug and laugh awkwardly, perhaps trying to discern exactly how they feel about their own statement.

I reach over and put a paw on their shoulder, snapping them out of the recesses of their mind. "Feather," I say. "That wasn't the whole story."

Wide eyed, short of speech. "Oh."

I let go of them, return to my resting position, close my eyes, drawn in a long breath, and carry on.