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Part 6

As I walked with a determined pace across the snow covered sidewalks, I thought of what I'd say to Brian, just so I could ignore the mind numbing cold. I didn't know what I was going to say to him, because none of the words seemed to fit. I just needed to do what he did; be forward with it and hope he didn't explode the way I did.

The two miles towards the center of the town passed by in the faintest of blurs, because before I knew it, I was standing in front of the convenience store that Brian worked at. The glowing sign on the door said open, but the sign below it told me I didn't have much time left. I knew Brian wasn't in there, but I opened the door and walked in, anyway.

Looking around frantically, I didn't know exactly what I was looking for, but I couldn't find it. Walking through the empty aisles with the coyotes eyes on me, I could tell he was concerned that I was going to try to rob something because of my deranged look. Stopping on the end of an aisle, I grabbed something without really looking and went up to the counter, getting a relieved looked from the clerk. Handing him money I grabbed the bag without even stopping for the small change.

There were a few motels in the area, but I started to walk to the one closest to the convenience store, hoping it'd be the one Brian was that. I didn't even know if Brian had gone straight back to the hotel, but I really didn't want to think about losing this last chance. I hoped my determination to make this right would give me just enough good karma to make the night good once again. Everything else could come after.

My entire body was quivering and my head was flickering on and off with thoughts. I knew I was growing closer to the hotel room, and inevitably to him, but I felt like I couldn't move fast enough. It seemed that the sidewalks were getting longer and I was walking slower as a tall sign began to emerge out of the mound of shoveled snow.

I felt my heart skip a beat when I saw Brian's car parked outside one of the many doors that ran along the sidewalk. It was the only light on along the entire side of the building, and he was the only car parked for about five spaces. My heart pounded faster, then it dropped when I saw all his stuff packed into the backseat of his car. Did he really intend to leave?

Standing outside the door, I looked through the small slit between the curtain and the pane quietly as I bit my lip. He was sitting on the edge of the bed with his head in his hands, his back shuttering every few seconds. There was nothing but him and the light of two lamps in the room.

The bed was still made, the television was off, and his coat was still on. He seemed lost in the light while an undefinable shadow encompassed him. My jaw dropped as I watched him crying quietly, in a way I'd never seen him before. I've seen him mourn, and I'd seen him regret, but I'd never seen him weak, or broken, or lost.

He sputtered and pressed his hands into his eyes as he leaned over the edge of the bed. My jaw dropped slightly as everything fell closer together and even the things I already knew seemed to make more sense. I thought Brian was better at being alone than I was, but I was wrong.

He was trying to hide how much it pained him to be lost just like I was trying to hide how I truly felt. We both felt like we needed to be strong for each other, but over time all it was doing was breaking us down and tearing us up. Because, like Brian had said from the beginning, we were hiding away from the fact that we were destroying everything we were by trying to be happy for each other.

All I wanted was to be miserable, and be miserable together, so we could be content with something. Even though we hated it here, we wanted to hate it together, and even though we were unhappy, if we were unhappy in each others arms, at least we'd know we still had each other. I just didn't know if I wanted to knock on the door and make him feel embarrassed.

I did it anyway, biting my lip and looking away shiftily as I struggled to remove the plastic bag from what I'd bought and throw it to the ground. I could throw it away later when I didn't risk looking cheap.

"Hello?" he muttered quietly, wiping his eyes with the crook of his elbow as he looked away. He hadn't even had the chance to see it was me, because he was too bothered by the thought of someone seeing him crying. But, as he stood out in silhouette against the hotel room's bright lights, I wished he was outside in this gray world with me.

"I - well, err, I knew women were supposed to like flowers and chocolate when they were mad," I started, but swallowed as he looked between me and the box of chocolates in my hand, "but they didn't have any flowers, and I knew you only really liked dark chocolate... so, err, I don't know. I used your money, so I guess it doesn't really count, anyway. God, I'm stupid."

My thumb shook as I rubbed the chocolate box with it, struggling to look between his eyes with confidence. His lip quivered and his eyes watered as I finally managed to look at him apologetically. Before I knew what was happening, he collapsed against my chest, and I held him tightly, letting the chocolates drop onto the threshold.

He started crying into by shoulder, sniffing and wheezing uncontrollably. I rubbed his back and kissed his head as I walked us into the room, letting to door close behind me as I stepped onto the stained carpet, knowing how much worse he must have felt than me every time he had to come home to this. At least I had the familiarity of our room, or our things, he just had the comfort of peeling walls and stained floors.

The lighting was harsh, and the paintings foreboding, and I could feel myself crying onto his head as I gave up on any facade I may have been trying to keep. It felt so great, even though the tears ran down our faces because I finally realized that was what we were searching for every time we fought. Someone to just cry with and tell us how miserable this all made them, too. Someone to make us feel like we weren't alone.

It was funny how we ran from this, even though we knew it's what we wanted, and even though it was our biggest fears being actualized, it made us feel more alive than ever. Even though we were accepting that we were weak, and lost, we were allowing ourselves to see just how much work there was left to be done. And in the end, it was still worth fighting.

"I'm so sorry, Kurt," he sputtered into my chest, his voice washing over me in a way that made me shiver. I ran my hand through the fur on his head as we rocked on the spot and continued to cry like idiots, "I was wrong to lie to you for so long. I should have just told you instead of getting mad at you. I was just afraid that if I told you, you'd get mad, but I didn't tell you, so you got mad. I'm so - "

I shushed him and held his head in my hand as I pulled it closer to my neck, not wanting to talk about the things we'd done wrong. It was all in the past, and I was happy that it was. I couldn't quite explain the way I felt right now, but it was all because of a little girl with a stuffed animal for a best friend.

Relenting my tight grasp on him, he looked up at me, his eyes still wet, but we had both stopped crying a long while ago. I had been content to just hold him, but now I wanted to tear down what was lest of the wall between us.

I knew it was stupid, but as I pulled down the zipper of his jacket and kissed him, I felt like he was the only thing I needed to keep me warm. He removed his jacket slowly and began to unzip mine as my hands ran down his neck and rested comfortably on his shoulders. We kissed each other slowly as he placed his hands on my hips on the inside of my jacket. It was almost like we were slow dancing to the sound of our calm hearts.

"You didn't expect our relationship to progress like this, did you?" I asked softly, all the edge removed from my voice as he smiled against my lips and the warm breath from his laugh caressing my face, "you just thought I was another guy at a bar looking for a hook up."

"Yea," he admitted calmly, wrapping his arms completely around my waist as he pressed his forehead into mine. I could still smell the wine on his breath, and it reminded me of all the memories we'd shared, and all the things we had to reminisce about, "you were just another guy at a bar looking for a hookup, weren't you?"

"Yea," I chuckled and he smiled, removing my hands from his neck so he could remove my jacket and drop in to the floor. His eyes never broke away from mine and I was completely enraptured, realizing just how much I'd been throwing away every time I raised my voice, "I guess you just changed my view of people. Did you just hold onto your ex because you were afraid I was going to leave?"

"Partly," he said, his hands sliding into my sweatshirt as he kissed me gently with a soft, kind smile. A completely innocent smile. A smile that said he didn't expect anything in return, "I just don't work well alone. I need someone constantly poking, and prodding, and getting me to go into the right direction. I need someone stubborn and thickheaded. And I suppose it's a plus if they're cute, too."

His face wrinkled into another smile and it was just as perfect as the last. That darkness that I'd seen around him before had completely vanished, and even in the hard light, he still looked beautiful as the shadows chiseled his face. His eyes almost looked yellow as I chuckled.

"I can be that stubborn and thickheaded somebody if you'd like," I said, directing us to the bed slowly. I sat down towards the center of the bed and he rest his head in my lap, looking up at me seriously.

"You already are," he said, his usual seductive voice returning. I could feel my stomach tense as my thumb brushed the fur between his eyes contently.

"By our third date, I knew we'd be together forever," I said, trying to sound like I was still that naive teenager who was still unsure about the life ahead of him. We may have still been naive now, but at least we had some sort of direction.

"I used to play with dolls as a kid," Brian said softly, sitting up and pulling himself closer to me, so that his face was less than a foot from mine. I could feel his warm breath across my nose and I shuttered, making his eyes light up deviously.

"So it's not weird that I talk to stuffed animals?" I whispered, as he moved closer to me so that his lips were a few inches from mine. I held my breath as the world around this dingy hotel room faded away.

There was something about this that felt different and better. I didn't have to look around and see the bills I hadn't paid, or the house I hadn't fixed, or the bed I hadn't made. When I looked around, the only thing I had to care about was Brian.

"It's one of the many quirks I love about you," he said and kissed me, making my heart hammer against it's cage. I closed my eyes and leaned back slowly as his hand came to rest on my shoulder. My hand ran through the fur on his side, lifting his shirt up as he placed himself on top of me.

"I love you," I whispered as he pulled away from the kiss momentarily. I opened my eyes to look into his and I saw everything I missed about home flash across them. The sun, and the long nights on the porch, and the days of sitting on the couch in each other's arms.

"I love when you say that," he said. I lifted his shirt further up and he broke the kiss so he could remove it. I sat up, holding myself steady with both arms as he held my face in his hands, arching his back as he started to kiss me again. I didn't know if I'd been right all those years ago, about us being together forever, but I knew that now it was what I wanted, and I knew by the way he was kissing my neck that he thought we still had years left to travel.

I leaned to the side and he laid on his back, letting me kiss him once again. He knew me so well he could read each twitch, or jerk and follow the slightest movements of my body. I brushed the side of his lips and he moved his head to the side, knowing I wanted to kiss his neck.

With my knees on the edge of the bed, I held myself over him, blocking the powerful light from his eyes. He looked at me with a half lidded gaze, still completely lost in the lingering feelings on his neck as I pulled of my shirt slowly, letting it drop to the floor where it rest in a forgotten heap.

He moaned almost inaudibly as he wrapped his legs around my waist, but I heard him because his face was so close to mine. My body quivered when his fingers tickled the sensitive hairs on my chest and I looked into his eyes again. He moved his legs and I undid the buckle of his belt quietly, rubbing my nose against his gently.

"I love you, Kurt," he whispered as the zipper came undone. I gripped the waistband of his pants with both hands and smirked as I kissed him.

"I know," I said and he arched his back just enough so I could slide his pants off. He kicked them aside as I went back up to run my fingers through the fur on his head, and he closed his eyes, "but I still love it when you say it."

He let out a slow, shuttering breath and looked around my eyes in a daze as I touched his stomach gently. Unbuttoning my pants and standing to pull them off, I could see his chest rising and falling, shifting rhythmically like the sheets of snow that had finally begun to fall outside. I sat to his side, leaning over him as I kissed his chest, and stomach, and belly button.

His fingers touched my hand, and I laced them together tightly as if trying to tell him I'd never leave. When my lips brushed against the bones of his pelvis, he squirmed slightly and his fingers tightened against mine ever more. I did it again as I watched him, and he squeezed his eyes shut even tighter. I licked his length slowly and he moaned, looking down at me with his alluring eyes. I did it again, loving his reaction, loving the way it made him feel, and loving the way it made me feel like nothing else mattered.

I pried my hand away from his and massaged his thigh as he continued to look at me like the room was spinning. I could feel my own head drowning as I fought to keep my breathing steady. The light ignited the tips of his fur and made his eyes shine even brighter against the dark fur. I took him into my mouth completely and he moaned quietly, unintentionally moving his hips forward. The heat wafted off of his thighs and I could feel his pulse quicken as I caressed the different parts of his body.

I loved everything about him; the smell of him, the softness of his fur, or the gentleness of his touch as he rubbed my head. He was looking down at me with his warm and ecstatic hazel eyes as I continued to move slowly and purposefully. This was always my favorite part because I knew what he liked the most. He moaned loudly several times and I pulled myself away; sometimes I still surprised him, though.

I crawled up to his lips, feeling my stomach move along his as I straddled him. He shuddered under the sensation and I bit my lip as I smirked. He scratched my thigh gently as I sat myself up, taking him by surprise as I felt a warm fullness in the pit of my stomach. He groaned and I panted as we both moved slowly, in perfect time with each other.

His hands traveled along my thighs, his claws tickling them in ways that made me moan. It still seemed that he remembered all the things that made my head spin, because as I leaned forward to kiss him, I felt my head grow light from the ecstasy. He was breathing fast, and when I felt it run down my neck, I pushed myself further onto him, making my spine tingle excitedly.

He began to stroke my member, knowing I was getting close to the edge. I could tell by the way his movement became less precise and more erratic, that he was to. Squeezing my eyes shut, he bit my lower lip between his teeth gently, moving his hips in a circle as he started to move faster. With one last thrust, I felt his stomach clench below me and I was overcome with a pleasing warmth.

His hand tightened and he bit down on my lip a little harder without realizing it, but it was just enough to make me grunt loudly just as he began to fall into the afterglow. He panted and let my lip free, but we just stayed nose to nose for a few moments, letting out exhausted grunts of laughter as we looked into each other eyes.

Lying side by side, he rest his head on my chest and I placed mine in the center of the cool pillow, sighing contentedly. He kissed my chest before snuggling into it and I let out another tired laugh, daring to look at the clock. I had to be up for work in about five hours, but I pushed it out of my head as I felt his breath wash across me.

"We haven't done that in a while," he said, and I wrapped my arm around his back, cradling his head in the crook of my shoulder. Things were good; I'd worked out things with Brian, he still had his job, and I had found another one. Things would get better from here.

"I almost forgot how to do it," I mumbled, closing my eyes as I could feel myself drifting off to sleep. Tomorrow would likely be exhausting and though I didn't want to go to sleep, I knew I couldn't fight it anymore. Brian would still be here tomorrow, and we could do this all over again. Maybe this weekend we could try to get that new mattress, "I love you."

I went to kiss his head and saw that he'd already drifted off to sleep. Reaching beside the bed, I turned off the light with a click and I fell asleep as soon as I hit the pillow.