Inebriated reminiscences.
Adult humor very-short story. Two friends exchange stories of less-than-perfect lovers.
This idea was inspired by my RL mother, and the many times she and her friends would get together over a bottle of cheap wine for a girls' night of gossip.
"So he's dumped! You can spill all the beans. What was it? Was it the wings? Was he good in bed?" The vixen's questioning, somewhat uncoordinated sweep of her arm threatened to spill the prosecco from her glass.
"Not all of them! And the wings I can forgive. It wouldn't be right to dump someone just for their species, and he was fine in bed. Mostly." The mink paused, eyeing her own glass of rosé before an evil-looking smile parted her lips. "Except... it's true, what they say about bats. Total oral fixation type."
"Oh?" Vixen ears perked. "I heard that... giving, or...?"
"Oh, getting sucked any time he could." She took a long sip. "Hey, if you're going to suck a man's cock, you could suck worse than a bat. He is cute, and the way he squeaks and wriggles, you know he loves it. But really, he could be selfish about wanting it so much. But that's not why we split, and I've had worse sex. No, we just really got on each other's nerves. Little things. How he cleans everything with the same kitchen cleaner so the windows go streaky. You know, he ruined those silk undies? Put them in the hot wash." She made an exagerated face of disgust. "Men."
"Oh, yeah." This time the drunken gesture would have sent a splash of the supermarket's finest sparkly, if the glass had not been empty by now. The vixen stared at the glass in tipsy confusion before shuffling closer to reach for the bottle. "Mommy does all the housework and they can't do a thing on their own. Mind you, my brother was a right lech too, so maybe they're all like that." She paused as a few words finished their slow doggy-paddle through the lake of alcohol. "Worse? With who?"
"Oh, that?" The mink lent back over the arm of the sofa. "Fine... Worst time. You remember Jake, from... when was it, eleventh grade? The opossum?"
"Really? I can't see you - well, anyone - and him. He was such a nerd! God, we actually called them nerds back then, now they rule the world."
"Yeah, I know. I mean, total absolute nerd. And we weren't together, really. But his mother and mine were friends, so sometimes they'd come over. And Mom really wanted us to be friends, in the most boring way - thought that it'd be good to have someone smart to help with studies. And I guess she thought he was harmless, too, because... well, he's Jake. The guy was too timid to make a move and I was way out of his league, so a guess he seemed trustworthy."
"So what happened? All those steamy evenings shut up in your room on biology homework?" The vixen's ears perked again, smile growing wide.
"Nothing like that. I tried, really! I mean, he was smart, and I was... absolutely desperate. I know I was super-hot, but that just seemed to draw the wrong sort of boy. He was nice, that's all. Helpful and considerate. But totally oblivious! He really did just want to study. I tried chatting him up but it just went straight over his head. When I tried to cuddle he thought I just needed more space to spread the books out." She leant back to down the rest of her wine. "As we said back in the day, 'NERRRRRD!'"
"Come on. He must have known something. He was in eleventh grade, not some innocent. I bet he looked at all the porn."
"Probably! Anyway, I finally gave up all the games, and just told him he was hot and kissed him on the cheek. And... kind of stuck my hand down his pants." The mink mirrored the widening smile. "I was curious! He was, what, the only the second or third boy I'd felt up? Even us minks aren't that flirty. And I'd never felt up an opossum, I wasn't sure if there would be any... weird stuff. And that was when it went wrong."
"Ah," The vixen gave a knowing smile. "Weird stuff." Every woman knew what that meant. The vast majority were built compatible, but with some more exotic species... it was best to know what you were getting in to. Or what you might be letting in to you.
"Not at all! Actually he was perfectly normal. Coarser fur than most, but all the usual equipment. No, the problem was that he was an opossum who probably never thought he would get laid, and now there was a hot chick with her hand on his bits. He passed out."
"Passed out?" The vixen blinked slowly, as realisation dawned. "Oh, right... they can't always control it, yeah? I remember reading about that."
"Oh, yeah. Twitched and then keeled over on the floor. I thought I'd given him a bloody heart attack! I screamed, and both our parents came running up the stairs. His mom propped him up on some cushions and sat with him for twenty minutes until he came to. They never asked what happened, but I think they knew."
"So what happened after that?"
"Absolutely nothing! We went back to studying and never spoke of it again. The awkward-levels were just too high, and his mom kept coming and checking on us. We just stayed friends. Shame, he'd probably have been a good one. Haven't seen him in years now. What were we talking about, anyway?"